Any ideas about the new lifestyle? ? ?

[debilou]

Some of you know my long story but for those of you who don't I'll keep it short. STBXH moved out on his 40th birthday, Oct 04. Didn't see it coming. I found loveshack and marriagebuilders but neither could help save this sad marriage.

 

I filed for D 7 months after he moved out when I found of picture of him and another woman. Continued to hope for miracle until Nov 05. Divorce still not final but I have NO NO NO hope.

 

This is my question. Why would a man leave his wife and children to hang out in bars and strip clubs? He started drinking, listening to country music, wearing cowboy boots at the time he moved out. He told me he wasn't in love with me anymore and that "I'm not sure I want you and the boys", they're his boys, too.

 

I've been in counseling through all of this. It's been great for me. He's not ofcorse. I just don't see the point of wrecking your life for alcohol and whores.

 

There is so much I could say but I don't want to bore you guys. Understand I will be fine. He on the other hand has just about bottomed out. DUI 2 weeks ago. Serious medical condition. Probably from his current lifestyle.

 

In the beginning I thought he left me for a woman at work. Turns out he's just getting around as much as possible. I'm stunned silent.

 

Everybody says mid life crisis but this is bigger than that!

 

I'd appreciate a man's point of view. I'm sure the men on this web site don't wrestle with the junk my stbxh does.

 

Thanks guys, Debilou

[superconductor]

Cowboy hats? Country music?

 

The horror, the horror...

Why would a man leave his wife and children to hang out in bars and strip clubs?

Mid-life crisis is just a label made popular in the self-help aisle of the library and bookstore. One person's "crisis" is another person's "getting in touch with themselves."

 

Obviously he feels he's missing something. Why he'd slip into cowboy/strip club mode is a bit of a mystery to me, because neither of those things appeal to me in the least. But it could be that he took stock of his life and got the sense he was missing out on some things that he thought might fill the void in his life.

 

It won't, of course, but that won't change his feelings. (Another reason why you should never trust your feelings 100%, but that's another thread entirely.)

 

So let's dissect this a little bit. What was he like in the past, say, 2 years? Was he a workaholic? Never had any time to himself? Cut off from male friends? Saw someone else in his social circle split up a bad marriage and enjoy life afterwards?

[dgiirl]

Welcome Back Debilou

 

Who knows why our spouses did what they did, and are acting the way they are acting. We could hypothesize on this or that, but in the big scheme of things, does it really matter? What would that solve? He's still doing what he's doing, and even if you knew the answer, it wont stop him from doing it.

 

If you are anything like me, thinking of my ex just depresses the hell out of me lol So it's more important to know what YOU are doing with your life! What new things are you going to try? What are the things you want to experience and what are your plans for your future?

[Gunny376]

Doesn't matter why. It is what it is. Its something that happened to you and is a part of your past, you could spend the rest of your life sitting around analyzing it to the point of paralysis ~ and still not have the answer.

 

Why are you looking for the answers to the questions, and the solutions to the problem, when he doesn't even have them. Its could be pyschological, it could be medical. He could have a brain tumor or such. Its is what it is ~ and its noting but a thing ~ and it doesn't mean anything.

 

I would concentrate on the future ~ I hear that you're going to be spending a lot of time there. There's nothing to be accomplished sitting around digging up bones of something that's already gone.

 

WTF is this all about, from a man's perspective. I can't tell you. I've not been in a strip club since I was on my first hitch in the MC over thirty years ago. You've seen one pair of boobs, you've pretty much seen them all? Why would I want to pay top dollar for drinks and tips to see some lesbian or bi-women shake their boobs at me? They're laughing their azzes off at him. The Cowboy Bob thing is beyound my basic military comprehension as well.

 

Personally, I'd count my blessings, and thank God for un-answred prayers. Better during your late thirties and early forties, than you fifiies. Now, you've got a chance to recover from this, move on and go out and find someone worthy of you.

 

Bailing on the wife, the stip joints, running around scorgging ever skirt in sight, the cowboys thing, MLC, I can see, but bailing on the DS's! $^#%^&$%*%^ POS!

 

Some people are just Hell bent for leather for self destruction and to screw up the lives. Why? I don't know.

 

I guess he thinks living in a one bed arpartment and starting over at 40 is the same as living in a Home. I guess he figures being old and gray, and his children and GC never coming to see him and not being there for him in his old age because he wasn't there for them is cool?

 

I tell guys, (especially younger ones) if you find a good woman that truly loves you ~ don't f**k it up! Its hard finding someone that loves your azz! I mean that truly loves you.

[debilou]

Thanks everyone! I really am gonna be ok, even better without him. I will admit I have a lot of anger at him.

 

It's the boys who suffer the most. It's nothing obvious, but I know the lasting affects of a poor example of a parent.

 

You guys wouldn't even begin to believe the divorce outcome. I'll just say he played the divorce game and won. No one can make another person be responsible. Not even the courts. I know the end result will be his loss. I know all of that. This is just part of the process of grieving.

 

I have a great counselor and great kids. I have 2 great part time jobs. I have a great new man in my life. I have a great family who have fully supported me in my lowest depths. But still I find myself say "what in he!! happened here ? ? ?" And there are days--no moments--that I feel sorry for myself, that this has happened to me and my children. The pain, hurt, lies and financial loss are real!

 

Loveshack has been a real blessing for me. I can vent and know that lots of people are going through and have been through the same junk. Because of the 2 part time jobs I don't have time to get online like before. I really miss it.

 

I have to go now, time to get the youngest from school. Did I mention I have a 2 great boys? 11 and 16 now.

 

Post later, Debilou