Should I just leave the country?

[missdeathwish]

Basically, I want a second chance from a man who doesn't deserve one from me.

 

The abridged version: we went out a few times, but nothing serious. I thought it was because we lived over 1500 miles apart and could only see each other when I was in town visiting family. He obviously had other reasons. I thought he had at least insinuated that he'd like to date over the summer, after I graduated, but I guess not. Anyway, in the month between the time I last saw him and the time I got back into town, he met someone else and committed. Ouch, ouch, ouch.

 

The kicker? He didn't even tell me. I found out by looking at an online profile. I probably should've taken it as a bad sign when he stopped emailing, but you know how it goes. When you get one idea of a person, sometimes it's hard to see the other. Long story short, I called him on it and haven't contacted him since. Beyond his response to my "Hey, dude, that hurt my feelings" message, he hasn't either.

 

I really want a shot with this guy. Not now obviously, I'm not really in the mood to get hurt again this soon, and he's dating another woman (as far as I know... I haven't been looking at his online profiles or anything). But somewhere down the line.

 

So, my question is this: how do I keep my hook in the water, so to speak? I don't think I should just come right out and say, "Yeah, I still like you and would like to try again" because while it's true, he's unavailable. I am too. I'm thinking of moving to S. Korea for a year or two (to teach English) but I worry that that will totally screw up my chances. (For the record, I'm in my early/mid-twenties and he's in his mid/late-thirties, never married.) I *know* that he's not interested right now, but I also know that he has been.

 

So what's a girl to do? Do I keep on with the NC, which obviously is mostly just helping me by keeping me from getting myself hurt? Do I move to S. K. and do the penpal thing? Do I stay here (if I find work) and do the pen pal thing? Do I subject myself to lots of pain by trying to do the friend thing? If I leave, I make money, have fun, and don't need to live in the same city. If I go, I worry that he might decide to get married or something and I'll totally lose ANY chance of a second chance.

 

None of the "dose of reality" blah blah blahs, because I've had a ton of 'em, I know, I know. Hope springs eternal, and I want what I want. Gentlemen, maybe you can help, especially if you're over 30. What is the best way for a woman to keep in your orbit without being intrusive?

 

Thanks,

Speedy McDeathwish

[norajane]

I wouldn't make a decision to not do something I want to do (go to Korea) because it might mess up a relationship I'm not actually having...

 

You've been around, you've been in his life...if he had any intentions of being with you, he'd be with you right now.

[Outcast]

Hope springs eternal, and I want what I want.

 

'You cain't always git what you waaaant'

And understanding this will allow you to have a much better life. If he wanted you in his life, he'd take steps to ensure you are. You barely know him. You dated 'a few times' and that's it. Nothing whatsoever to build a dream of a relationship on.

 

You're in danger of turning into a creepy stalker if you don't just let this go.

[missdeathwish]

Thanks for the responses thus far, even though you're not actually advising me, but telling me exactly the same thing that I asked you not to say. I suppose I should add that I've known him for a year and we were friends before we started dating. I don't think I'm "in danger of turning into a creepy stalker" unless thinking about someone means creepy stalker. I haven't spoken to him or contacted him in months, I haven't done any "research" on him, and I've actively avoided his neighborhood.

 

Future posters, please don't bother unless you've got ideas on how to stay amicable enough that somewhere, weeks/months/a couple years down the line, after we've all done some more growing, I'm a possibility. Danke.

[magichands]

If I leave, I make money, have fun, and don't need to live in the same city.

Sounds too risky. Hang on... what's the downside??

If I go, I worry that he might decide to get married or something and I'll totally lose ANY chance of a second chance.

Oh. So that's the downside.

 

Let's see. His relationship flourishes. You resent him because you missed out on a great chance to travel (nonsense, of course - he had nothing to do with it).

 

I think that if you really care about him, then you should think positively. Assume that he has made a good choice, and then make your next move.

[daphne]

Sounds like you're trying to hard to control the situation. You want what you want but it doesn't sound like you're paying attention to what he wants.. at least what he wants right now.

 

Don't put off a good opportunity over this guy who's in another relationship. Sure, you can email from time to time since you were already friends before. I would do it sparingly though, so he has a chance to think about you. Don't bombard him because he won't be able to miss you.

 

But honestly, the reason that so many people are telling you the same thing over and over is because they are looking at the facts a little more head on. You can't force your way, he has to come around on his own. If he does good. If not, be prepared to move forward.

[Angel291]

Heres an idea. Make yourself really ordinary. Give up your dreams and hopes and wishes and plans for an amazing future for some guy who you do not even know will ever even talk to you again. Then three years down the road when you run into him in a bar or wherever, all hoping that he will still be interested, he will have some hot girl on his arm who he will introduce as his "exciting girlfriend who just got back from S. Korea where she was teaching Enlgish and wait until you hear all about the amazing life she has lead!"

 

Please do not take that as rude, because I do not mean it that way. It's just that if you want this guy, the best thing you can do is to live your life and follow your dreams which sound really awesome. Case in point: I was in love with this guy, and I decided to move to Europe to get my Masters degree. It was so hard to leave him, because I wanted to be with him, etc. etc. etc. Yet he was involved with this other girl. But you know what? Just being me and doing the things I wanted to do showed him so much about who I am. Now I am this exciting, brave adventurous girl who went rushing off to follow her dreams rather than sit around hoping he would some day want me. And know what? He wants me. Emailed me when I was in Europe quite a few times about how he loved me and wanted me, etc.

 

Don't sit around waiting for this guy. WHen I was at grad school in Europe, my roomate had the same problem too. She ran off to a foreign country to escape some guy she was in love with who was with another woman. Turned out he even wanted her, but at that point she was so over him.

 

I think that more than anything, going away is going to make him see what an amazing person you are and he is going to want you more. So drop him a line and let him know what you are up to, and then go be up to it. Post updates on your personal webpage for him to see that you are living just great without him, and living quite the extraordinary life. Live your life for you and he will come around. But live it for him, and your just another ordinary girl who sits in a box waiting for some man to realize that she is waiting for him...and he will never realize it...and at the end of a year or two, you won't be that incredible amazing fascinating girl who went to S. Korea and had all kinds of adventures and learned wonderful new things who he really wants to get to know again...

[missdeathwish]

Thanks for a kind reply. You actually have a good point. Living my life for me is the best thing I can do, period. With or without him. If he comes around, great. If not, well, at least I've gone and done something that I wanted to. I remembered awhile back that living and working in another country was one of my life goals. How many people get to fulfill a life goal (this won't be the first, but never mind) before they're 25? I feel so much better about this decision now. Maybe I'll even write him a letter.

 

Sorry, I like smilies. Penpals are good to have. And being unattainable? Well, if it works, fine. If not, at least I'll be doing lots for myself while it doesn't, right?