kimmillah Posted August 24, 2006 Share Posted August 24, 2006 Recently, my husband of 8 years, moved us all from the east coast to the west coast because of his military duty. He drove across country and since we have 3 small children, I travel via plane some weeks later. My husband is a blogger on a sports related website and apparently began to flirt with one of the other bloggers. During his trip, he stopped in her home town in Missouri. They met, had dinner, site seeing, and went to the movies. I found out only because I found a racy, inappropriate letter he sent her via email discussing how sexy she was and that he didn't have sex with her because it would have ruined their friendship. Although they didn't have sex, this is still so very hurtful. I still feel betrayed that he was seeking affection from someone else. When I confronted him with the letter, he said that it really didn't mean anything and that he was just trying to feel like he still had the ability to make someone feel wanted. I do have my own issues of low self esteem and being able to accept compliments, so should I just try to seek help for myself and try to forget this incident? I have never had a reason to doubt my husband in the past and I want this marriage to continue, but its very hard to stop reopening the wound when I think about it. I need help with this so bad. Please send input, advice, thoughts, or something to prevent a mental breakdown. Link to post Share on other sites
JamesM Posted August 24, 2006 Share Posted August 24, 2006 I am not sure what your ages are, but one thing is usually a good rule no matter the age of you or your children... Cheating is defined as any relationship that you are afraid to tell your partner about. Generally speaking, if you have a problem with a relationship of his, then he needs to recognize those feelings. Why didn't he tell you ahead of time that he was visiting her? Why did HE (not you) need validation that he can turn on a woman....besides his wife? I totally understand where he is coming from, but it is not right nor fair to you. So, no, you are not having low self esteem issues. This is a favorite of all cheaters..."it is not my problem, it is yours," Link to post Share on other sites
Author kimmillah Posted August 24, 2006 Author Share Posted August 24, 2006 JamesM, Thanks for your reply. We are early 30's, kids 6,4,1. My h said that he didn't tell me because I wouldn't understand their friendship and I would be jealous for no reason. I guess he was trying to be protective in some idiotic way? I don't know, I do want to get over this and move ahead, but I can't help snooping and questioning everything (something I've never done before). I'm replaying visions in my head of what they were doing. He gets frustrated with me because I still bring it up and its been about week since I found out. He's remorseful and he acknowledges his stupidity in this matter. At this point, my life as I knew it is upside down and trust seems so far away. I hear you James, thanks for listening. Link to post Share on other sites
Pink Amulet Posted August 25, 2006 Share Posted August 25, 2006 This is certainly not appropriate. Does this woman even know he has a wife!? Why not "I didn't have sex with you because I'm married". F*ck their friendship! The idea that you should be grateful because he didn't actually sleep with her is like saying.... well I may have killed your cat but at least I didn't kill your dog too! Don't settle for crumbs. Lay down the law. Tell him if he doesn't cut ties with this woman, you will walk. Link to post Share on other sites
littlekitty Posted August 25, 2006 Share Posted August 25, 2006 This is certainly not appropriate. Does this woman even know he has a wife!? Why not "I didn't have sex with you because I'm married". F*ck their friendship! The idea that you should be grateful because he didn't actually sleep with her is like saying.... well I may have killed your cat but at least I didn't kill your dog too! Don't settle for crumbs. Lay down the law. Tell him if he doesn't cut ties with this woman, you will walk. I have to pretty much agree with this. As PA so rightly says, his comment should have been that he didn't sleep with her because he loves his wife and values her to much to cheat on her. But then if he valued you enough, he shouldn't have even gone to meet her without your knowledge. Meeing a female online friend without your knowledge is completely inappropriate, as apparently was their meeting if they discussed sex. This is not your issue, but his. You do need to lay down the law, and tell him that this behavior is not appropriate, and neither is his 'friendship' with this women. Link to post Share on other sites
LeeAnn26 Posted August 25, 2006 Share Posted August 25, 2006 All I can say is that my Husband met a woman that he met through a text dating service "for coffee" - all innocent sounding - till I found a message from her saying he was "such an amazing kisser" - and while they were having coffee he told her that he "was once practically engaged" but things didnt work out so he just never got married! WTF! When confronted with the "kiss" text message, he said it was a "peck on the cheek" - as if a woman would call that a great kiss? There is probably more to this, just as you suspect... Link to post Share on other sites
a4a Posted August 25, 2006 Share Posted August 25, 2006 This is certainly not appropriate. Does this woman even know he has a wife!? Why not "I didn't have sex with you because I'm married". F*ck their friendship! The idea that you should be grateful because he didn't actually sleep with her is like saying.... well I may have killed your cat but at least I didn't kill your dog too! Don't settle for crumbs. Lay down the law. Tell him if he doesn't cut ties with this woman, you will walk. WORD!!! If your marriage has problems he could at least confront those instead of running like a wimp to this online woman....... curious does the online woman know that he is married with 3 kids? Maybe she needs to find out if not Link to post Share on other sites
Pink Amulet Posted August 25, 2006 Share Posted August 25, 2006 All I can say is that my Husband met a woman that he met through a text dating service "for coffee" - all innocent sounding - .... WHAT?@! Innocent sounding my ass! Wake up woman!! If I had a husband who was using any kind of dating service I would cut off his balls and serve them to him for dinner. ...don't even get me started on the kissing Link to post Share on other sites
RecordProducer Posted August 25, 2006 Share Posted August 25, 2006 how sexy she was and that he didn't have sex with her because it would have ruined their friendship. Although they didn't have sex, this is still so very hurtful. I still feel betrayed that he was seeking affection from someone else. When I confronted him with the letter, he said that it really didn't mean anything and that he was just trying to feel like he still had the ability to make someone feel wanted. I Believe it or not, he told you the truth. He needed this woman in order to feel wanted again. The reason why he slept with her is because he either didn't like her or didn't want to cheat on you. Probably both. You will feel angry no matter what and he can't wash his hands from this before you. All you can do it try to forgive him and let him know that if he ever does anything behind your back again, he should count on you doing the same thing (and even worse) to him. He needs to apologize, if he already didn't, and actually mean it. He wouldn't like it if you did the same thing to him, would he? He will either be dedicated or not. There is no such thing as half-dedicated. And if he is not then your marriage will be doomed. In any case, for your own sake, try to let it go. All I can say is that my Husband met a woman that he met through a text dating service "for coffee" - all innocent sounding - till I found a message from her saying he was "such an amazing kisser" - and while they were having coffee he told her that he "was once practically engaged" but things didnt work out so he just never got married! WTF! When confronted with the "kiss" text message, he said it was a "peck on the cheek" - as if a woman would call that a great kiss? There is probably more to this, just as you suspect...It's all about trust and your husband betrayed your trust. I put my profile on a friendship/dating site to meet Friends. I stated I was happily married and not looking for an affair. Still I was hit on by men and I didn't respond to those. My husband not only knew about it, but gave me his credit card to pay fro the web site. He simply trusts me. He knows I would never cheat on him. Actually I wanted to meet a girl for some bi-curious experience, but he said he wasn't comfortable with that so I dropped it. Now if he did that, I would go crazy, but he is able to rely on his trust in me. And he did the right thing, because he trusted me to do the right thing (or should I say he trusted me that I wouldn't do the wrong thing). But this is a case where your husband betrayed your trust and kissed another woman. So he lost all his credit. He is even a making a fool out of you with his lies... yeah what a great kisser on the cheek! Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted August 25, 2006 Share Posted August 25, 2006 It's not cool to have those sorts of friendships when you're married. He knows this too. I mean, do you think he would like it if you met some guy online, went out with him and read an email saying "Hey, I'm so glad we met, just a shame you're married..." and you reply back,"I know. I find you sexy, you're so nice to me, so let's still be friends....." Do you think he'd not be mad or jealous? He's defending the friendship, making it out to be no big deal. OK, so if it's no big deal, invite her to dinner so she can meet you and the kids. She's "just" a friend, right? IF that is the case, then he should have NO problem including you in the friendship...... What he is doing is SO close to an affair. They both have had inappropriate conversations by crossing the lines....Friendships that are between men and women do NOT cross those lines. That woman probably thinks that your marriage is not good, so be aware he may be letting her believe that you and him are fighting or you're being mean to him... Listen to the others, don't put up with it. I'm sorry, but he's a father of 3 young children, so he has to stop acting so selfish and BE there for you and his kids! Link to post Share on other sites
quankanne Posted August 25, 2006 Share Posted August 25, 2006 There is no such thing as half-dedicated. divided loyalties are not what's needed in any relationship, and he needs to figure out fast where his lay. Ideally, they'll be with your marriage, but if not, maybe it's time to force the issue so you know exactly where you stand. Wanting to "feel like he still had the ability to make someone feel wanted" is lame if the object of his attention isn't you; expecting you to just smile and brush away your feelings by this act of divided loyalty is just as stupid, because your feelings count, especially since you're legally and emotionally bonded to the big lug! Maybe if he still complains about your hurt, you ought to tell him "I want to feel like I still had the ability to care about what's happening to us" then walk away – it might just give him food for thought if he understood how his actions affected your relationship. One would hope ... Link to post Share on other sites
RecordProducer Posted August 25, 2006 Share Posted August 25, 2006 The reason why he slept with her ...I meant: the reason why he didn't sleep with her... Link to post Share on other sites
Author kimmillah Posted August 26, 2006 Author Share Posted August 26, 2006 My people, I'm taking in it all in. It makes me feel better that there are those who understand my plight and not making me feel like I'm overreacting. I feel validated. Not only that, I have made an appointment for couples counseling. I need for us to understand why he had an inappropriate relationship and for him to realize that he would not accept that treatment from me. You all just don't know how much you have helped me. Thank you thank you thank you!! Link to post Share on other sites
Pink Amulet Posted August 26, 2006 Share Posted August 26, 2006 Just make sure the couples counsellor knows how much of an ass your husband is Link to post Share on other sites
Author kimmillah Posted August 27, 2006 Author Share Posted August 27, 2006 Just make sure the couples counsellor knows how much of an ass your husband is I think the action speaks for itself Link to post Share on other sites
Author kimmillah Posted September 9, 2006 Author Share Posted September 9, 2006 Okay, so we went to counselling and I feel like we're taking steps toward understanding this situation working on fixing it. However, I looked at the message board where my h and the ow met and saw that the ow is still posting messages mentioning my h. She says stuff like, " you can't resist my marine", "someone tell him I said hello", etc. I really feel disrespected and taunted. She knows that my h and I are on the mend and she finds a way to get me. I know I chose to look at the message board but I can't help but want to contact her by email to tell her(ow) what I feel. I really don't understand why she can't keep my h's name out of her mouth. Should I contact her or no?? Should I just bring this up in our next counsel session? Give me some help people, pleeeease! Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted September 9, 2006 Share Posted September 9, 2006 Is the OW married too? If so, TELL her husband!! This way she maybe will leave your husband alone. Maybe too, it's time BOTH you and your husband stop posting and reading that forum. It isn't doing any good at all. Link to post Share on other sites
Author kimmillah Posted September 9, 2006 Author Share Posted September 9, 2006 Is the OW married too? If so, TELL her husband!! This way she maybe will leave your husband alone. Maybe too, it's time BOTH you and your husband stop posting and reading that forum. It isn't doing any good at all. Yes, ow is married too. She has the nerve to have bible scriptures on her myspace. Believe me, I want to contact the husband, but I don't know these people. I wouldn't even know how to contact him. And I know you're right, I shouldn't reopen the wound by going back to the forum, but its calling me back. Its like this whole incident has turned a normal thinking person into a stalker. I just wish this never happened. Link to post Share on other sites
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