Personal trauma affecting my work

[Guest]

I am going through a lot of personal difficulties. I didn't think it was affecting my work life..but obviously it is. In my office I was told that I have been really strange lately..and they pretty much told me I was being a bitch. They said I haven't been myself, and that my work performance has pretty much sucked. That seriously broke my heart. I want to scream what happened to the world..but I just can't!

 

Some problems are impossible to ignore at work. My life has changed..

 

I was raped a month ago. I can't help but to feel constant fear and dwell on the fact that this happened. I haven't had my period since -- and that is really scaring me. I mean..what am I supposed to do? Pretend like I'm happy and all that stuf when I am not?!?

 

Nobody really cares -- work is work..and personal life shouldn't mix in with it...I think that is a bunch of bull **** because...work is life..work is what makes you who you are. I understand that my work perofomance has sucked..and I don't blame my bosses saying something to me, but nobody understands. It just broke my heart!!!

 

I took off work for a week...no questions were asked..but I'm scared I'm going to lose my job over this! They trust me..but now that all this has happened I feel like they are looking at me as if I am a threat. What am I supposed to do when I go back?

 

......HELP please!!!

[Outcast]

Go immediately to whatever mental health resource is available through your office and talk to the counsellor about what happened. The counsellor will intercede for you with your managers, etc. without having to tell them what happened, if that is your wish.

 

You really shouldn't try to go through this by yourself. Please seek help right away.

[Mary3]

Go immediately to whatever mental health resource is available through your office and talk to the counsellor about what happened. The counsellor will intercede for you with your managers, etc. without having to tell them what happened, if that is your wish.

 

You really shouldn't try to go through this by yourself. Please seek help right away.

 

I agree with this 100% . I would also schedule a meeting with your supervisor to explain to the fellow employees that you went through personal assualt trauma and you need time to heal. And ask that they try to be understanding in your time of crisis.

[November-Rain]

I'm so sorry to hear you had to go through something so traumatic. My thoughts are with you, I hope you are getting the proper help you deserve. As far as your work is concerned, there are many resources out there than can help you deal with your boss and your job performance. Look into having professional help, a counselor for example- who specializes in such traumas as yours can guide you into making the proper decisions regarding your personal and work relations. I personally think you might need some time off from work so that you can concentrate on getting yourself healthy again. Do you think you might have gone back to work too soon?

[Becoming]

I'm so sorry this has happened to you. You have been a victim of a heinous act. Please go to the nearest rape crisis center and talk to someone, especially about your fear of pregnancy. YOU ARE NOT ALONE!

 

You are assuming your boss(es) cannot understand when you haven't given them the opportunity to either understand or misunderstand. Tell them. You have nothing to be ashamed of--you were the victim of a violent assault, and it'll explain your behavior. When you tell them, you can also inform them of how widely you wish/do not wish that information known. If you can't say this out loud, write a note or email and save a copy. This way there's something in writing in your file should you need it for later job performance evaluation.

 

Let people help you. This is too great a burden to carry alone, as you know, since you posted here.

 

Shalom

As for the missed period, ca

[Guest]

I am sorry. I wish there was something I could say to make it better. Taking action to help yourself will surely help with the healing process. If you have not yet, file a police report. Go to your Dr., or make an appointment with one you do not know personally. Tell them what happened. You will need to take precautions for pregnancy avoidance and get checked for possible STD infection. This is nothing to be ashamed of as you are only fixing the damage someone has done to you with their assault. Make sure and use whatever personal problem services your employer provides in accordance with HR to protect your job and employment record. Once again, I'm sorry, but inaction will only make things worse for you. Please help yourself and seek the help and support of others.

[audmc911]

Nobody really cares -- work is work..and personal life shouldn't mix in with it...I think that is a bunch of bull **** because...work is life..work is what makes you who you are. I understand that my work perofomance has sucked..and I don't blame my bosses saying something to me, but nobody understands. It just broke my heart!!!

 

I took off work for a week...no questions were asked..but I'm scared I'm going to lose my job over this! They trust me..but now that all this has happened I feel like they are looking at me as if I am a threat. What am I supposed to do when I go back?

 

......HELP please!!!

 

I suffer from PTSD. It affects my work. It's so hard to hide it and the pain that you feel inside. It creeps up on you whenever it wants and there is no control over it. The reason for my reply is that I agree that no one cares and that work is work! That's why you must take care of yourself first. Do not quit your job. Immediately take a leave of absence and file for short-term disability. Do not become a victim 2x over. Get a note from the doctor. It is the only way to protect your employment. Why is it that when people have an illness like cancer, or when someone dies or if its something that is tangible - they show some compassion. When you have a something that they cannot "see" and you do not want to talk about, we are victimized over and over. My heart goes out to you. I live with the pain you describe. There is help and you can heal. Go through the anger and come out on the other end. All the best to you.

[Becoming]

Why is it that when people have an illness like cancer, or when someone dies or if its something that is tangible - they show some compassion. When you have a something that they cannot "see" and you do not want to talk about, we are victimized over and over.

 

Excellent question!

 

But not all people are that way. If you give some folks a chance, you might be surprised that some actually can do compassion.

[directx]

Sweetheart,

You HAVE to go get some help! What happened was very serious. I would tell my manager or as high as you can go. They will keep in confidential and you will get all the support you need (unless they are monsters).

 

Please, get help!

[Mary3]

If this happened to me I would immediately tell my supervisor.

 

In my case we have medical or personal leave of absences.

 

We also have FMLA for which you may qualify because you are having a medical/psychiatric problem.

 

Whether the psych part is remedied under FMLA you would have to check with HR.

 

I wish you the best.

[seven]

It is very normal to experience extreme emotions after a rape—you are not alone in that. Also know that rape is in no way your fault. A rape counselor is trained to help and will keep what you say confidential. It’s not in any way a sign of weakness to call for help – it will enable you to start healing.

 

I’m wondering if this was a date rape and you are trying to keep it to yourself because you didn’t mention going to the police. Again, a rape counselor can help with sorting all that out, if that’s even the case.

 

You said you feel frightened, understandly so. If you live on your own, why not ask a friend or family member to stay with you for awhile or you with them. And this may sound a bit out there for you right now, but you might consider taking up martial arts or self-defense classes because it might help you release some of the pent up emotions to start feeling stronger and in control again. Its helped two people I know who dealt with physical assaults (though non-sexual).

 

As for work, I personally would not disclose to coworkers about a rape … none of their business. Coworkers are coworkers … not necessarily friends. Some a**hole could use it to gossip. Perhaps letting the human resource manager know you had a personal trauma [they are supposed to keep such information disclosed], so they can guide you about work/appraisals/time off from there. It’s also possible that once you speak to a rape counselor and unburden yourself a bit, that you may not feel as distracted at work

 

And seeing a medical doctor is so important to do now especially if you missed a period. This is a prime example of what the right to choose was instituted for. Take care of yourself.

[Mary3]

It is very normal to experience extreme emotions after a rape—you are not alone in that. Also know that rape is in no way your fault. A rape counselor is trained to help and will keep what you say confidential. It’s not in any way a sign of weakness to call for help – it will enable you to start healing.

 

I’m wondering if this was a date rape and you are trying to keep it to yourself because you didn’t mention going to the police. Again, a rape counselor can help with sorting all that out, if that’s even the case.

 

You said you feel frightened, understandly so. If you live on your own, why not ask a friend or family member to stay with you for awhile or you with them. And this may sound a bit out there for you right now, but you might consider taking up martial arts or self-defense classes because it might help you release some of the pent up emotions to start feeling stronger and in control again. Its helped two people I know who dealt with physical assaults (though non-sexual).

 

As for work, I personally would not disclose to coworkers about a rape … none of their business. Coworkers are coworkers … not necessarily friends. Some a**hole could use it to gossip. Perhaps letting the human resource manager know you had a personal trauma [they are supposed to keep such information disclosed], so they can guide you about work/appraisals/time off from there. It’s also possible that once you speak to a rape counselor and unburden yourself a bit, that you may not feel as distracted at work

 

And seeing a medical doctor is so important to do now especially if you missed a period. This is a prime example of what the right to choose was instituted for. Take care of yourself.

 

 

Excellent Post ! Points I had not thought of....

 

Thats true about HR , in a FMLA they do not even have to tell your immediate supervisor *why* you are on Medical Leave. They only have to notify them that you have been approved.

[Guest]

Thank you for all the replies!

 

I have bad news..but yet I feel bad saying I have bad news. I am pregnant! I know it is not the babies fault..but still, I am not ready for something like this. A big curve ball was thrown at me -- what are people going to say when they can tell that I am pregnant? They will think I'm a whore and everything else..they will wonder who the babies father is..and all that stuff.

 

My work situation has gotten worse! I am going in there everyday pretending that I am okay..but when nobody is around I just break down. I did have a meeting with my boss..but I chickened out and just told her I've been under a lot of stress..which by all means is true!

 

A coworker of mine asked me if I was mad at her..and I told her no and all week she has been saying I have been in a bad mood..I've been very quiet..and I've been different. She said that everyone thinks I'm distracted. I feel bad..because I'm not mad at any of them..but still..it is none of there business..they need to just back off..and I explained that I just wanted to be left alone..and they all took major offense to that!

 

I want to quit my job! I feel like I am way to young to handle it. I'm 20 years old..everyone I work with is 40-50, nobody takes me serious..I used to take it as a compliment that I was so young with a job like I had..but anymore these days, I just can't handle it!

 

I don't feel like myself..I feel like the world is out there to get me! I know I need to talk to somebody about this..but it's scary! I'm so used to holding everything inside..maybe that is what my problem is.

 

..Thanks again for the replies!

[Outcast]

You absolutely, ABSOLUTELY must talk to a counsellor. I'm sure your workplace has one. You'll get sick if you don't get help with this. You are NOT a 'whore'!!!! Nobody will blame you for being raped!!! Please promise us you will call your workplace counsellor tomorrow. And if there isn't one, then you'll call the rape crisis line in your town. Please!

[Mary3]

Thank you for all the replies!

 

I have bad news..but yet I feel bad saying I have bad news. I am pregnant! I know it is not the babies fault..but still, I am not ready for something like this. A big curve ball was thrown at me -- what are people going to say when they can tell that I am pregnant? They will think I'm a whore and everything else..they will wonder who the babies father is..and all that stuff.

 

My work situation has gotten worse! I am going in there everyday pretending that I am okay..but when nobody is around I just break down. I did have a meeting with my boss..but I chickened out and just told her I've been under a lot of stress..which by all means is true!

 

A coworker of mine asked me if I was mad at her..and I told her no and all week she has been saying I have been in a bad mood..I've been very quiet..and I've been different. She said that everyone thinks I'm distracted. I feel bad..because I'm not mad at any of them..but still..it is none of there business..they need to just back off..and I explained that I just wanted to be left alone..and they all took major offense to that!

 

I want to quit my job! I feel like I am way to young to handle it. I'm 20 years old..everyone I work with is 40-50, nobody takes me serious..I used to take it as a compliment that I was so young with a job like I had..but anymore these days, I just can't handle it!

 

I don't feel like myself..I feel like the world is out there to get me! I know I need to talk to somebody about this..but it's scary! I'm so used to holding everything inside..maybe that is what my problem is.

 

..Thanks again for the replies!

 

OMG, that is so tragic . I am very sorry that you have to go through this at such a young age. My heart goes out to you right now.

 

I don't know about your beliefs and what you will decide about the baby. Whatever you decide is your personal decision. I do recommend addtional counseling so you can be better informed and counseled.

 

Do you think you can talk to your supervisor or do you feel its better kept private ? I only recommended speaking to your supervisor ( and or co workers ) if you thought it might help them better understand what you are going through.

 

It sounds like you have Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. A reaction to a tragic set of events and how you will cope. I hope you are getting some help. If you feel alone you can call your local rape crisis hotline. I had a friend who was involved with CARR Community Action Against Rape. I think they offer alot of help to the victims. Would you consider calling them if you thought it might help ?

 

This is frightening to have gone through what you have and I wish you the very best. Please post back and if you ever want to really talk private or want some ways to have someone to help you who is a professional then please let me know.

 

Write back when you can

 

We do care alot !

[Guest]

I feel like things are just getting worse! I work at a hospital..a co-worker of mine was in my acct and found out about the rape..and found out that I was pregnant. There are so many rummors flying around! It breaks my heart knowing this people don't care..My heart goes out to anyone in the kind of situation that I'm in..I seriously hate people who are so into themselves that they have to talk trash about someone!

 

Anyways, My personal belief is to keep the baby...but how would I explain that I don't know the babies father and the only reason why they were born is because I was raped? That would be awful for the child..as it is not the childs fault!

 

I know I need help..it's just takin the 1st step to get it. I guess there are times when we all need help..and I shouldn't be so ashamed..but I still can't help to think what if? What if I fought harder..What if I wasn't there..what if..what if..what if.

 

..I'm just confused!

 

Thank you once again for the reply!!!

[Becoming]

Sweetie, I'm in my 40's. Folks who're older know how hard life is and can remember that being 20 is one of the worst times because life is so very confusing. And then to have what has happened to you . . . geez.

 

Folks are trying to help you at work. They really want to know what's wrong, but you've decided they're not going to be helpful before you've given them a chance.

 

TELL THEM! Tell your supervisor at the very least. I think you're going to be surprised by the compassionate responses and help you can receive by others. As you can see here, there are folks who do care. But we have to give them a chance.

 

And I can say this because I used to assume no one cared or ever wanted to help so I didn't ask either. But I'm now old enough to have learned differently. Not everyone, of course. But your supervisor is going to feel bad about the way she's treated you once she finds out. Write her an email if you feel too chicken to say it out loud.

 

And I highly recommend the movie Speak about date rape. Watch it when you have someone you trust with you or can talk to a counsellor at the rape crisis center right after watching it, though.

 

But you must speak.

[Mary3]

I feel like things are just getting worse! I work at a hospital..a co-worker of mine was in my acct and found out about the rape..and found out that I was pregnant. There are so many rummors flying around! It breaks my heart knowing this people don't care..My heart goes out to anyone in the kind of situation that I'm in..I seriously hate people who are so into themselves that they have to talk trash about someone!

 

Anyways, My personal belief is to keep the baby...but how would I explain that I don't know the babies father and the only reason why they were born is because I was raped? That would be awful for the child..as it is not the childs fault!

 

I know I need help..it's just takin the 1st step to get it. I guess there are times when we all need help..and I shouldn't be so ashamed..but I still can't help to think what if? What if I fought harder..What if I wasn't there..what if..what if..what if.

 

..I'm just confused!

 

Thank you once again for the reply!!!

 

I strongly recommend counseling. They are highly trained in helping you get through all these feelings. I hope your employer has a program you can enter , if not , many community org. have crisis intervention. Google in your particular needs and I am sure much info. will pop up.

 

I think that your best response is : "This is my son/daughter and I love him/her very much. ( adding in anything else is up to you- but its no-ones business anyway where the dad is or who he is or why the baby's dad is not around ).

 

I don't think you can ever wish you fought harder than you did.! That was a full grown man running on adrenaline and muscles and rage against women,..

 

I think counseling could help you realize you did the best you could to protect yourself and this MAN was the entire cause of your emotional pain and how its affected your work and your life.

 

 

He raped to have control over a young helpless female. He is sick and likely a weak pathetic excuse for a human being . ....

 

Now that I ranted just want you to know we do care about what happens to you

[seven]

by Guest

I work at a hospital..a co-worker of mine was in my acct

 

 

Her nosy a$s should be fired. Medical records are strictly confidential, as I'm sure you are well aware. Take the rumors off yourself and shift them onto her unprofessional self needing to be out the door.

 

 

I know I need help..it's just takin the 1st step to get it.

 

I take it you haven't spoke with a rape counselor as yet but sounds like you are going to?? Don't wait too long ... time itself doesn't heal, it's what you do with that time. Wish you well.

[britchick]

I agree with the other posters, you must speak up.

 

I can understand your reluctance to, you've had no time or help to come to terms with this yourself yet and those 'what if' feelings are common to most survivors of rape, at least until you get some counselling and get to the rage stage.

 

As for the gossip at work, of course your colleague should never have revealed this information to anyone and she should be disiplined for it. However, if you confide in your colleagues there will be no need for them to speculate and I'm sure they would be supportive. In my experience, other women can be an incredibly valuable source of support in situations like this - give them the chance to support you.

 

Your employers have an obligation to be accomodating to your needs at this time, but they can't do anything until you approach them. I agree that a letter might be an easier way to communicate at the moment and it also means there is a record of your situation in your file which would explain your current difficulties at work.

 

I have to say, I really admire your decision to keep the baby, it's not something I could do, but I would never judge someone for doing so. I think your colleagues should be in awe of you. You must be an incredible person.

 

Please, please get all the help you can, you will need it, this is not something you can deal with alone. My heart goes out to you.

[Mary3]

I agree with the other posters, you must speak up.

 

I can understand your reluctance to, you've had no time or help to come to terms with this yourself yet and those 'what if' feelings are common to most survivors of rape, at least until you get some counselling and get to the rage stage.

 

As for the gossip at work, of course your colleague should never have revealed this information to anyone and she should be disiplined for it. However, if you confide in your colleagues there will be no need for them to speculate and I'm sure they would be supportive. In my experience, other women can be an incredibly valuable source of support in situations like this - give them the chance to support you.

 

Your employers have an obligation to be accomodating to your needs at this time, but they can't do anything until you approach them. I agree that a letter might be an easier way to communicate at the moment and it also means there is a record of your situation in your file which would explain your current difficulties at work.

 

I have to say, I really admire your decision to keep the baby, it's not something I could do, but I would never judge someone for doing so. I think your colleagues should be in awe of you. You must be an incredible person.

 

Please, please get all the help you can, you will need it, this is not something you can deal with alone. My heart goes out to you.

 

Beautiful Post !