Frustrated with lazy, selfish husband

[uleryrns]

Well, I've posted before and because it was a while ago, I'll post again.

 

Been married 7 years this Oct. I've been unhappy for about 5 years now. Husband thinks it's all good.

 

We don't talk because it ends the same. I tell him how I feel and why and he takes it as an attack, gets defensive, feels more insecure and starts fighting with me and treating me like crap until I submit and start being his good little wifey. He's bipolar so his moods swing all the time and I'm basically walking on eggshells all the time so I can avoid his outbursts and tirants.

 

He used to be more verbally abusive toward me, he's calmed down a bit on that, thank God. But he's still an emotional roller coaster and I never know from one minute to the next, what might set him off. He's constantly critical of me, my feelings, my opinions, my reactions, my behaviors, my speech tone, etc. and gives me lectures all the time about how mean I am to him, etc.

 

He's in school for 4 hours a day, since June. He's going to trucking school and starts his externship in 7 weeks. We've known since he started that we didn't have enough to pay all our living expenses with just my income and he's made the least amount of effort to get a job. Basically he doesn't look, except maybe drop off his resume to a couple places, or so he says. I don't believe him. Since the beginning of our marriage, he's told little lies, usually ones I can't prove otherwise, to shut me up so I won't give him grief, but in the end, you'd have to be pretty stupid to believe he was telling the truth in the first place. Prime example would be his school. He decided he wanted to go, while he was looking for jobs and realized he just doesn't have any skills/experience to get a good paying job that he wanted to be a truck driver. So we (I) submitted his application to the school. Then he said he'd call to set up an appt, and whenever I asked, he told me (his most famous excuse) "I left a message and no one has called back". I'm thinking, yeah right, it's a school where they make money from you and no one is calling you back. Right. So I called the school and what do ya know, I got through right away and the lady told me she'd call my husband right then, and did. Wow. Leads me to believe he's full of *&*%&!!!!!

 

Anyhew, his job search has been the same way. I've submitted his resume, because I KNOW he's not and he needs a job or we're really in trouble. As it is, rent is coming due next Friday and we're $650 short. We've already cut out all the expenses we can and borrowed from everyone way can, and it's up to us (and God) now.

 

But he just isn't getting it. I think he's delusional or something because he just shrugs his shoulders and says "What do you expect me to do" and "I've done everything I can". But yet, isn't looking for work at all. Now adays, the biggest place to look for work is online. And I see the internet history and only see places I've been, so I know he's not doing anything. And I know he's not out there stomping the pavement. He's just sitting on his ass....expecting everyone else to handle his responsibilities.

 

We have 2 kids and he has one from a previous relationship who lives with his mom. I at least got food stamps so that helps. But I make too much to get any other relief. And with rent, and soon our car payments looming and no money but mine coming in (which only covers our utilities), I'm really freaking out. Talking to him does nothing but upset him and all he does is freak out on me and tell me I'm being a bad wife because I'm not supportive and I'm mean.

 

He's so insecure and such a freakin' pussy that I want to get as far away from him as possible. I'm so disappointed in him as a man, a husband and a father, that I cringe when he touches me. I only have sex with him, just to shut him up. I love him, but I'm not "in love" with him. Right now, I really don't like him.

 

He thinks I'm acting this way because he doesn't have a job and it's all about money. But in reality, something I can't talk to him about, is that I am thinking about leaving him. I think about all we don't have in common and how I want to enjoy life, be outdoors, do things and he just wants to sit at home in front of tv and watch the world go by while everyone handles his BS. He's irresponsible, unreliable (his word means absofreakinlutely nothing, because he rarely follows through), he's lazy, selfish and a terrible provider.

 

Yeah, I'm not queen fluffa, but I deserve better, and I know it. I've handled all the responsibilities in our famly from day one. Finances, cooking, cleaning, chores, kids, you name it, when it came along, I handled it, because my husbands way is to put his head in the sand until it goes away and/or someone takes care of it for him (his mother). When we've needed money in the past, his answer was to run to his family and borrow (which puts us deeper in debt) and she was always there, letting him borrow and borrow and bailing him out. Now she's tapped out. I guess he expects me to run to my family, but that is not going to happen because HE is the reason we're financial screwed. If he had gotten a job back in June, when we have some of the school loan money to live off of, we'd be fine. But he puts it off and puts it off and borrowed all he can and now....he just sits there, shrugging as if something will fall in his lap. And I'm freaking, knowing if we don't pay rent, we might get evicted. ANd if we don't pay for our cars, they get repo'd. And all the crap that goes along with the "Credit" issues on that stuff.

 

I have my parents to go to, but we have a lease on our house until November. I've thought of kicking him out, but I don't think he'd budge. I hate confrontation and avoid it like the plague, but I know somewhere, something drastic has to happen for him to realize we're screwed and not just financially. I want to leave him for more than just financial crap.

 

But then, I think about the fact that if he just got a job, in 7 weeks he'll be on the road, getting paid with his externship and we'll be apart. I keep thinking (hoping) that maybe being out there, he'll learn to take care of himself and be more responsible and reliable. That he'll grow up and be the man I know he can be (the man I wish he was).

 

Do I wait it out? Do I send him packing now? If he's not working, I guess it doesn't matter where he lives. I just am afraid to face his reaction, and his BS when I tell him I want out and why. He's a loser right now in my book and I don't know if I want to spend the rest of my life with him. At least not how he is now. He'd have to change a lot for my needs to be met.

 

I hate that that sounds picky or too demanding, but I've put up with so much, I really think any other woman would have left him long ago. He doesn't deserve me. I know that.

 

Flame away.....

[love2lovehim]

I can't believe that there is actually somewhere out there who is facing the same bull**** as me. I too am frustrated with my soon 2 be x husband. He lost his good job almost 2 years ago for being lazy, irresponsible, and dishonest and has had the hardest time getting back on his feet. Since then he has lied and played around about finding gainful employment. He smokes weed and drinks everyday, and doesn't even care to clean up after himself and has regular episodes of violent and abusive behavior towards me( I know he's either bi-polar or schitzo but refuses to get treatment)I have just graduated from college and now have a pretty good paying job and am pretty much footing ALL the bills. Two days ago I told my husband that he was going to have to leave, and he did thank GOD:) He is a terrible provider also, and has a real laid back attitude about life. Nothing but smoking weed and drinking beer while watching the White Sox mattered to him. We have 5 children that are depending on us and I just got sick and tired of his bull****. That's why I had to make a stand and kick his ass out. It's rough having everything on myself but I do feel better about myself because I am taking a stand and not letting him use , abuse, and manipulate me anymore. Not to mention, I didn't want my daughters to see him as an example of what a real man is. Did I mention that he's a compulsive liar and a cheat also? I caught him cheating on me 4X with the same dumb chick, and I still gave him a chance to redeem himself, and forgave him. Instead of him using that as an opportunity to do better, he used it as an opportunity to just make a fool out of me some more and take advantage of me again. My advice to you is to put your foot down. Don't let this bum bring you down, and if you have children think of what kind of example he's setting for them. I know you don't want that. Once you take a stand and stop letting him control and manipulate you, your self esteem is going to get 100X better, and you will see things improving in your life. A man will only treat you the way you allow them to. You teach people how to treat you. I too wanted my marriage to work out, but I know that God does not want me to be miserable, and the truth of the matter is that I could have left him a long time ago when I first found out about the adultery. However, you can't change him. You have to accept that. If he changes for you, it will only be temporary. He has to want better for himself. Once he wants better for himself, THEN maybe he can want better for you. It's true, the old saying that a person can only treat you as good as they treat themselves. Don't live in misery anymore. He doesn't deserve you, and you can do bad by yourself. I wish you well. Don't feel bad about kicking him out either. Obviously he doesn't appreciate all the ammenities that the house has to offer such as a telephone and a computer. If he did appreciate those things, he would be putting them to use to find a job. He can be a bum anywhere, and most bums live on the street, not in a cozy warm home with food and T.V.s and telephones, and computers and someone who loves them. Once he loses all of those things, maybe he will wake up. Some people have to hit rock bottom before they can come back up. Take care of yourself

[Becoming]

What's with these guys? :(

 

For similar problems, read this thread:

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t96980/

 

It's a lot, but it's the same discussion.

[Lennox]

Flame away? You couldn't have thought people were going to flame you after your post did you?

 

He's got this bi-polar disorder. Sounds to me that he's not being properly medicated. Even at that, if he's just a lazy selfish guy, all the medication in the world is not going to change that.

 

I can totally understand you leaving him. It's certainly a hard life for a wife when her husband is properly medicated for bi-polar disorder. You're going to have to plan this out carefully though, or you may face having to pay HIM spousal support.

 

Do everything you can to secure him full time employment immediately. Let him work a month or two before you file for divorce. Then, ask for custody of the children and child support for them. The reason for this is that you need to have him establish a wage earning capacity that the child support will be based off of. Also, if he gets an attorney, that attorney will probably advise him to use his bi-polar disorder as proof of disability to work, and you might have to pay spousal support based on that. These are just generalities and you really should consult with an attorney for the specific laws in your state.

 

You don't sound at all like you're being too picky or demanding. Unless someone has lived the hell you're going through, they will never even begin to understand the complexities of it all. I've never been married to anyone with bi-polar disorder, but my best friend was...and geez...if you're going through even a percentage of what she went through, my heart goes out to you.

[Guest]

Well, I've posted before and because it was a while ago, I'll post again.

 

Been married 7 years this Oct. I've been unhappy for about 5 years now. Husband thinks it's all good.

 

We don't talk because it ends the same. I tell him how I feel and why and he takes it as an attack, gets defensive, feels more insecure and starts fighting with me and treating me like crap until I submit and start being his good little wifey. He's bipolar so his moods swing all the time and I'm basically walking on eggshells all the time so I can avoid his outbursts and tirants.

 

He used to be more verbally abusive toward me, he's calmed down a bit on that, thank God. But he's still an emotional roller coaster and I never know from one minute to the next, what might set him off. He's constantly critical of me, my feelings, my opinions, my reactions, my behaviors, my speech tone, etc. and gives me lectures all the time about how mean I am to him, etc.

 

He's in school for 4 hours a day, since June. He's going to trucking school and starts his externship in 7 weeks. We've known since he started that we didn't have enough to pay all our living expenses with just my income and he's made the least amount of effort to get a job. Basically he doesn't look, except maybe drop off his resume to a couple places, or so he says. I don't believe him. Since the beginning of our marriage, he's told little lies, usually ones I can't prove otherwise, to shut me up so I won't give him grief, but in the end, you'd have to be pretty stupid to believe he was telling the truth in the first place. Prime example would be his school. He decided he wanted to go, while he was looking for jobs and realized he just doesn't have any skills/experience to get a good paying job that he wanted to be a truck driver. So we (I) submitted his application to the school. Then he said he'd call to set up an appt, and whenever I asked, he told me (his most famous excuse) "I left a message and no one has called back". I'm thinking, yeah right, it's a school where they make money from you and no one is calling you back. Right. So I called the school and what do ya know, I got through right away and the lady told me she'd call my husband right then, and did. Wow. Leads me to believe he's full of *&*%&!!!!!

 

Anyhew, his job search has been the same way. I've submitted his resume, because I KNOW he's not and he needs a job or we're really in trouble. As it is, rent is coming due next Friday and we're $650 short. We've already cut out all the expenses we can and borrowed from everyone way can, and it's up to us (and God) now.

 

But he just isn't getting it. I think he's delusional or something because he just shrugs his shoulders and says "What do you expect me to do" and "I've done everything I can". But yet, isn't looking for work at all. Now adays, the biggest place to look for work is online. And I see the internet history and only see places I've been, so I know he's not doing anything. And I know he's not out there stomping the pavement. He's just sitting on his ass....expecting everyone else to handle his responsibilities.

 

We have 2 kids and he has one from a previous relationship who lives with his mom. I at least got food stamps so that helps. But I make too much to get any other relief. And with rent, and soon our car payments looming and no money but mine coming in (which only covers our utilities), I'm really freaking out. Talking to him does nothing but upset him and all he does is freak out on me and tell me I'm being a bad wife because I'm not supportive and I'm mean.

 

He's so insecure and such a freakin' pussy that I want to get as far away from him as possible. I'm so disappointed in him as a man, a husband and a father, that I cringe when he touches me. I only have sex with him, just to shut him up. I love him, but I'm not "in love" with him. Right now, I really don't like him.

 

He thinks I'm acting this way because he doesn't have a job and it's all about money. But in reality, something I can't talk to him about, is that I am thinking about leaving him. I think about all we don't have in common and how I want to enjoy life, be outdoors, do things and he just wants to sit at home in front of tv and watch the world go by while everyone handles his BS. He's irresponsible, unreliable (his word means absofreakinlutely nothing, because he rarely follows through), he's lazy, selfish and a terrible provider.

 

Yeah, I'm not queen fluffa, but I deserve better, and I know it. I've handled all the responsibilities in our famly from day one. Finances, cooking, cleaning, chores, kids, you name it, when it came along, I handled it, because my husbands way is to put his head in the sand until it goes away and/or someone takes care of it for him (his mother). When we've needed money in the past, his answer was to run to his family and borrow (which puts us deeper in debt) and she was always there, letting him borrow and borrow and bailing him out. Now she's tapped out. I guess he expects me to run to my family, but that is not going to happen because HE is the reason we're financial screwed. If he had gotten a job back in June, when we have some of the school loan money to live off of, we'd be fine. But he puts it off and puts it off and borrowed all he can and now....he just sits there, shrugging as if something will fall in his lap. And I'm freaking, knowing if we don't pay rent, we might get evicted. ANd if we don't pay for our cars, they get repo'd. And all the crap that goes along with the "Credit" issues on that stuff.

 

I have my parents to go to, but we have a lease on our house until November. I've thought of kicking him out, but I don't think he'd budge. I hate confrontation and avoid it like the plague, but I know somewhere, something drastic has to happen for him to realize we're screwed and not just financially. I want to leave him for more than just financial crap.

 

But then, I think about the fact that if he just got a job, in 7 weeks he'll be on the road, getting paid with his externship and we'll be apart. I keep thinking (hoping) that maybe being out there, he'll learn to take care of himself and be more responsible and reliable. That he'll grow up and be the man I know he can be (the man I wish he was).

 

Do I wait it out? Do I send him packing now? If he's not working, I guess it doesn't matter where he lives. I just am afraid to face his reaction, and his BS when I tell him I want out and why. He's a loser right now in my book and I don't know if I want to spend the rest of my life with him. At least not how he is now. He'd have to change a lot for my needs to be met.

 

I hate that that sounds picky or too demanding, but I've put up with so much, I really think any other woman would have left him long ago. He doesn't deserve me. I know that.

 

Flame away.....

 

what do u do i have been this way for 14 years if it dont get better soon go and be happy some us dont have the nerve if u have it git-r-done!!!my husband works but the reast is exactaly like your situation i feel for u but if counciling woant help then be happpy!!!