Marriage on the Rocks, Afraid of Divorce

[bittersweetheart]

I am having a huge problem with my husband, and judging by some of the other posts I've read in this forum, I am not alone.

 

My husband and I have been married for three years, been together for almost five, and pretty much right after we got married the intimacy came to a screeching halt. I can count on two hands the number of times we have had sex since we got married, and we've had absolutely none for just about a year now.

 

On top of this, my husband has crawled into a shell. He used to be an outgoing, fun person who liked to go out and do things, someone who took care of himself physically, help with the housework and shopping, and someone who used to desire me. Now, all he does is sit at home in front of his computer, or fall asleep in front of television. A once vibrant person myself, I have, in turn, become despondent over all of this and have let myself go, let my house go, and I have constant feelings of anxiety and hopelessness. I can't concentrate on anything I do. I can't find focus, and I know I am headed down the road to depression because of all of this.

 

I don't want to leave my husband because we really do get along great together, we laugh and act silly a lot, but I am finding it hard to participate in this type of enjoyment with him anymore because I don't feel wanted or desired.

 

I have tried to discuss it with him, and he says he is willing to have sex with me, but I absolutely refuse to throw myself at someone who doesn't seem to be attracted to me. He never initiates sex, he just ignores the fact that it doesn't exist between us. He works at home, so I know he is not having an affair, at least not a physical one, because he barely ever leaves the house. I sometimes wonder if he is having an on-line affair because he spends so much time on the computer, but I don't think I should start trying to snoop that way. If he is, I don't want to find out by snooping, I want him to tell me himself.

 

I cannot continue to abide a sexless marriage, but there are reasons I want to stay married--I am in my late 30's and have never had children. If I leave him, my chances of finding another man in time to have children with are very slim. I know I can get my husband to have sex with me to conceive a child, that won't be an issue, but it will no doubt be unsatisfying and contrived. Besides, I don't know if I feel right about bringing a child into a marriage that might end up in divorce.

 

Another reason I want to stay with him is, of course, financial. He is supporting me while I go to school full-time and finish my degree. He never complains about this, and I am grateful for that fact. I have just under a year and a half to go before I complete my degree, about 15 months. If I leave him, I will have to find full-time employment to support myself and I will need this degree in order to find a job that pays enough for me to live on my own and support myself.

 

The third reason, and most important, is that I love my husband, and I want to work things out with him, but I am afraid of putting myself out there anymore, afraid of hurting anymore. I am the only one who has tried to do anything to change our situation--he doesn't seem to care at all--and I feel the effort is all one sided. I don't know if it is worth it for me to try, or if I would be just wasting my time. He gets angry with me every time I try to have a serious discussion about our problems and tries to shut me down. I end up yelling, which I don't like to do because I feel it causes more harm than good, and then he ends up yelling, and then he shuts down completely. There are times when I do think I have gotten through to him, but all of my efforts have evidently gone to waste because the situation continues status quo.

 

I don't believe in counseling, and I am sure my husband would just laugh at the idea. I have thought of trying to get myself into really good physical shape again, better than he has ever seen, do something different with my hair, wear sexy clothes when I have my better body, but then I look at him and wonder why I should be the only one making any effort in this department. He has let himself go too and I am honestly not attracted to what he has become. I will get myself into shape anyway, for my OWN sake. This will have one of two outcomes: He will be inspired by me and begin to get in shape too, or nothing will change and I will have more confidence with my new body, the confidence I will need to leave him.

 

Please help, anyone, before I do something stupid. I was just about to have an affair with an ex before the feedback to my post in another forum about that convinced me not to go through with it. I am desperate and hurting. What should I do?

[a4a]

If he is totally aware of all these things.... I mean totally, you have had indepth discussion for months and he refuses to do anything about it.

 

Leave him.

[Roo]

I don't believe in counseling, and I am sure my husband would just laugh at the idea.

 

Why?

 

Do you not by virture of your posting here admit that perhaps someone not in the middle of your situation might be able to see something you are not, to offer you valuable insight that *Might* just help you find a way to be happy in this marriage??

 

I truly think you should consider seeing someone for yourself, if you have allowed his despondency to make you sullen as well, it can only benefit you to get yourself help, whether you stay in this marriage or not you'll be making the decision to do so from a more happy/sound place of mind.

[whichwayisup]

I agree, even if your husband isnt' willing right now to go seek marriage counselling, you go on your own. This will help you through your own issues and maybe learn how to handle things in the marriage better too.

 

I say if you love your husband and want it to work, WORK your tail off to make sure the marriage gets back on track.

 

The other thing is, your husband probably is a man who has trouble dealing with change. He's comfortable, life is OK so why make the big effort to change things...He's scared of change. So...He needs a swift kick in the pants - If both of you decide the goal is NOT to get a divorce, and you want to be married to eachother, then FIGHT hard. Work it out. Remember why you two fell inlove!

 

He is worth the risk of putting yourself out there. Youre hurting now, right? Well, putting in alot of effort to save your marriage IS worth it! If you get hurt, atleast you'll know you gave it your best and will have no regrets on the efforts you put in...Look at it like that. If you throw in the towel now and let fears rule your mind, you will have regrets one day.

 

Is it possible that HE is depressed?

 

Go back to basics...Be friends. Do fun things together. Be silly! Go out on a date and do something fun like playing pool. You two are married, husband and wife - But, where is the friendship? Keep talking to him, even if he appears not to be listening - He is...And he knows the marriage isn't good, he's just as scared as you are, which is why the wall is up around him, fear of success or fear of failure...Either way, that means change.

[quankanne]

my first thought also was to ask about a history of depression, which can take its toll pretty quickly if left unchecked, especially if there are chronic health problems and this is how the body physically manifests a response to the illness.

 

as for your other comments, about loving your guy but not wanting to hurt yourself further by going out on a limb, and seeking counselling:

 

several people on this board have sought help for problems in relationships, but draw the line at counselling or third-party help because they feel they don't "need" it or their partner will refuse. Hate to burst your bubble, but if someone is seeking help for those kinds of problems, a chat in cyberspace isn't going to cure what's wrong with your marriage. Trying to tempt and tantalize him isn't going to help if y'all aren't willing to work on the root of the problem, and counselling helps give you the tools to do that in a non-threatening and productive way. No one wants to admit that there's room for improvement in a marriage, even one that appears to be "good" or "solid" to others, but when it comes to interpersonal relationships, every little bit you do to help yourself helps the relationship.

 

we keep up maintenance up on a car so that it operates at its optimum best; we take medications to help us heal more quickly, rather than let an illness grow into an all-out infection; we do things that are pro-active to ensure that things go smoothly. Why should our marriages be any different, especially if we feel we truly love our spouses? It needs tune-ups, it needs preventative actions, it needs fast-acting cures when something damages it ... good counselling does is give you the tools you need and helps set up a non-threatening environment so that you can do the work you need to do on yourself or within a relationship. It doesn't take sides, it doesn't point fingers, though it does make you face issues you might rather ignore, but that's a good thing, because you're empowering yourself to grow, not stay stunted, in those areas.

 

you don't know how it will work unless you give it an honest try; failure comes from refusal to give yourself that chance, IMHO.

[Walk]

I'm wondering.. have you attempted to initiate sex with him and had positive results? Did you two actually have sex, and were there any other positive affects after having sex? When you have had sex in the past, was he "into" it? Once he was aroused and things were obviously headed in that direction, did he seem like he desired you, or just a bored nonchalance toward the whole affair?

 

If your husband doesn't have depression (kind of sounds as if he does though) and it isn't a chemical or biological reason for why he doesn't desire sex, then why don't you initiate sex more often? And if you do, but you're getting shot down.. then have you tried different ways of capturing his attention?

 

Do you two talk about sex very often (and not in a negative conotation)? Do either of you attempt to sexually play with the other person? Like when you're walking by him show him your breasts and tell him he can do whatever with them later.. or find what he is aroused by, and ensure that you point those out to him in ways he'd find arousing.

 

And is he on any medication? Or do you feel he might have any problems with getting erections? Some men get so ashamed of something like that that they won't discuss it with their wife.

 

Was he sexual prior to marriage? And how often?

[Becoming]

Sweet Jesus! Is there an epidemic of depressedlazyasshubanditis going around or something?

 

See a4a's thread. It's not really about bobbies.

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t96980/

 

And this sounds like my SIL's marriage, too.

 

DO NOT have babies with this man unless you want your life to be all about the kids with no help from him. It's extremely difficult to get a career started with children. All that BS about family leave and child care making things easier on families is just that--BS. Unless you're ready to do it alone.

[Becoming]

And welcome to the LS. Sorry it had to be under these circumstances.

 

P.S. Is there any chance he's gay and heavily closeted--meaning, even to himself? This happened to a couple I know.

[Guest]

Well, I did it. I approached my husband again about the problems we have been having that have gone undealt with. At first, he tried to brush me off, tried to yell over my voice to drown me out, even though I wasn't confrontational at all. I told him that he wasn't going to weasel out of talking about things this time, that we had to do something to save our marriage because it is in a downward spiral and picking up speed. I think I got his attention at that point, so we talked.

 

Surprisingly, it was a very productive conversation. We talked about all the things that bother us about the other, about the other things in our lives that are bringing us down. My husband is a workaholic, and he is so stuck in a rut with it that he can't do anything else. He works at home, so this happened rather quickly, and rather easily. He is just plain exhausted at the end of any given day. I told him he has to readdress his priorities, that our marriage comes first, "I" come first, and if he continues to ignore everything that goes on in the home for the sake of work, he is going to lose me. If he feels he cannot possibly tone down his work schedule at this current job, he has to find a new job. He seemed to see the reason in this. I told him I would help him out of this rut in any way I could, but he has to start helping me as well by paying attention to me--"husbandly" attention--and recall what he used to be like when we first got married.

 

I know, it happens that people get stuck in ruts from time to time, but his problem is that he keeps all of this all bottled up inside and I have to wrench it out of him. When he lets it out, he feels better, we both do, and his mood improves. I just have to do my best to keep him communicating with me. I guess the daily "How was your day today, honey?" conversation is in order.

 

Although it isn't very romantic, he and I made a "date" to have sex tonight, to give it a try. We're going to get some wine, light some candles, put on some music, and give it a whirl. He has never had a problem responding to me in the bedroom, so if he is willing, then it should be a good night. I'm kind of excited thinking about it, which is a very good sign.

 

We also discussed going away for a romantic overnight stay at a spa/resort hotel on the beach in a few weeks to celebrate our anniversary. He is enthusiastic about the idea, and we actually looked online for, and found, a place that we both like. We will book the room when payday rolls around next week.

 

We have also decided to start a new routine, getting up at the same time every day, committing to start going to the gym a few times per week together, and designating Saturday nights as our "Date Night" to do something special together. We have also decided that Sundays will be open for a "Do-Our-Own-Thing" Day, where he will go and hang out with his buddies, or do something to that effect, and so will I, if either of us feels the need.

 

I think we have made some progress today, but only time will tell if the plans we have set into motion will stay in motion, and if they will help us, which I believe they will.

 

If all of this does not create the desired effect, then I will consider what you all have said about seeking counseling.

 

Thank you all so much for caring to respond. Your constructive criticism has been great!

[norajane]

Although it isn't very romantic, he and I made a "date" to have sex tonight, to give it a try. We're going to get some wine, light some candles, put on some music, and give it a whirl. He has never had a problem responding to me in the bedroom, so if he is willing, then it should be a good night. I'm kind of excited thinking about it, which is a very good sign.

 

Oh, I so very much disagree that planning a date for sex isn't romantic!! Didn't you do exactly that when you were dating?

 

Basically, by planning for it, you're taking the time to make it special...with the music and candles and maybe taking extra care with your hair or lingerie or whatnot. Your setting up a date to look forward to, just as you did before you were married. Flirt a little, look into each other's eyes as you talk, play footsie under the table...

 

I think 'date nights' are one of the best ways to reconnect. You're saying to each other: this time we set aside is solely to focus on US, on YOU, with no other distractions. Keep it up, as well as the weekends away, or plan other date nights whether you choose to get dressed up and go out, or have some beer and pizza and music and conversation at home.

[Becoming]

Oh, I so very much disagree that planning a date for sex isn't romantic!! Didn't you do exactly that when you were dating?

 

Basically, by planning for it, you're taking the time to make it special...with the music and candles and maybe taking extra care with your hair or lingerie or whatnot. Your setting up a date to look forward to, just as you did before you were married. Flirt a little, look into each other's eyes as you talk, play footsie under the table...

 

I think 'date nights' are one of the best ways to reconnect. You're saying to each other: this time we set aside is solely to focus on US, on YOU, with no other distractions. Keep it up, as well as the weekends away, or plan other date nights whether you choose to get dressed up and go out, or have some beer and pizza and music and conversation at home.

 

 

I agree. I love sex-date nights. It keeps us both salivating all day thinking about it. As long as we don't get too tired by overworking.

[quankanne]

:love:

 

BSH, you don't know how incredibly PROUD I am of you right now – you grabbed the bull by the horns and held on until you got results, and that's no easy task when it comes to stuff like this. No matter what you two face from now on, it will never be as hard as it was making that first step toward helping your marriage, so in a sense, it gets easier to approach your guy.

 

if you're not averse to it, look up information, read up whatever you can on helping you help your marriage. Most of it is common sense approach to communicating, but some of it can be food for thought because you're looking at it from a different perspective in your relationship.

 

the spa idea is wonderful, if it doesn't help him decompress ... well, at least you get a sweet-smelling guy out of the deal :D

 

good luck, and keep us posted on how things are going. And remember, we're pulling for you!

 

quank

[Becoming]

Q always has the bestest things to say!

 

Check out marriagebuilders .com site for help.

 

Blessings

[quankanne]

thanks, becoming

 

re: the MB site

I know of a couple of folks who post here who have done this and they speak pretty highly of it as a tool to help foster a stronger marriage. Haven't given it a good walk-through yet, but based on their testimony, it sounds like a pretty fantastic resource. And damned convenient to access, too!

[RecordProducer]

You only have one problem - the lack of libido. Everything else (the neglect, the lack of affection and attention, the crawling into his shell, ignoring you, sitting on the computer, and lack desire to discuss these issues with you) are directly related to this one.

 

Certain medications or physical/medical conditions can cause the libido to go down drastically or gradually. No man in this world - that was once interested in sex - becomes totally uninterested all of a sudden with no good reason. Your anger makes things even worse. He might be ashamed or in denial or simply afraid since he doesn't know what's going on. After all, it's his manhood that's being questioned by you and himself.

 

You making yourself look sexy will not help and will only bring more frustration to the marriage once you both realize that it didn't bring any positive results. PLEASE understand that this has nothing to do with you and you're both victims of his problem. You have to talk to him about it in the most friendly and understanding way you can dig out of yourself. You have to help him. He needs to go to the doctor and get a full checkup.

 

In the meanwhile you can answer yourself if has been taking any medications, street drugs, hormone drugs such as steroids or lots of alcohol. If not then his blood vessels in his penis might be damaged or clogged and prevent smooth blood flow. Some medical conditions like diabetes or high blood pressure can influence his erectile capabilities and most of all, influence the production of testosterone. His testosterone will be measured by his doctor, and if he hasn't been on any artificial hormone drugs, it will show the exact level of this male hormone in his body. You can check his morning erections by yourself, too. Simply touch his penis in the morning and see if it's erected. It's normal for a man to have morning erections and to have at least five erections during the night (while asleep). The lack of erections shows that either the blood vessels are not open enough or his testosterone level is too low. He might also have Peyronie's disease.

 

So the first step is to find out the cause and the next step is to treat it and cure it. When his libido is back, everything else will come to place.

 

I don't think you should think about divorce or infidelity. This is as much his fault as it would be yours if you became sexually frigid due to your thyroid gland malfunction. Besides, you get along well otherwise and he seems like a good and generous husband.

 

Regrading having children, late 30s is the latest good time for having a baby so I would say as soon as you finish school, go for it.