milvushina Posted August 25, 2006 Share Posted August 25, 2006 I think I have a really common problem with a little twist. My husband (married 6 months, living together 1.5 years) had a really big mouth at the beginning of our relationship. Partly (mostly?) to blame was his habit of almost constantly being messed up on pills (benzos). He told me all sorts of graphic stories about his past sexual experiences. I'm not an overly jealous person, I assumed he had a history, but I don't think most people have to deal with hearing lots of details. He even once found some pictures he had taken with another girl, that he thought had been thrown away but had mentioned before, and showed them to me, as well as describing how he arranged the lighting and stuff in the hotel where they were taken (which happens to be about a block from our house ). Anyway I was kind of grossed out and mad, and since then he felt pretty bad and hasn't really done anything insensitive like that (the last episode about 4 months ago). Now we've discussed it and he says he thinks I have the right to be upset, and he took the step of ending his prescription which he was abusing. And yet it still bothers me, and sometimes I find myself really angry with him. He's a very good guy and treats me very well and definitely doesn't deserve my resentment, but he's convinced that since he had a big mouth early in our relationship, I'm always going to be bothered by this stuff. I don't think it has to be that way. Some things, I've gotten over. It was a long time ago. Other things bother me more and it's hard not to dwell on. Doesn't anyone have any practical advice on how to just eradicate these hurtful images he's put in my head? Or if you think I'm a complete idiot for being upset about it in the first place, tell me. I really want to forget about it and stop these phases of feeling bitterly angry and resentful. Sorry this was so long. Link to post Share on other sites
magichands Posted August 25, 2006 Share Posted August 25, 2006 He's a very good guy and treats me very well and definitely doesn't deserve my resentment, but he's convinced that since he had a big mouth early in our relationship, I'm always going to be bothered by this stuff. I don't think you're a complete idiot. Not an idiot at all. I think what you deserve is to know that he is committed to one woman - you. Waving these things in front of your face is extremely insensitive. I have no idea how to deal with situations like these, but I imagine I would be saying, "How do you think that makes me feel?" And hope that he is somehow ignorant of seeing things from another person's point of view, and launches into a heartfelt apology. But anyway... I think your reaction is COMPLETELY understandable. It shows such a lack of respect for you, and your feelings. However... If you are happy in your relationship, then I would tell myself that he is with me now, and the past is just the past. He is investing all his energies (if we ignore the reminiscing for a moment) in you now. And if you get any more crap from him waved in your face, then I would try to get him to see things from your point of view. You want to feel loved, cherished, and respected - and that you should be the one that he is consumed with romantic thoughts for. Link to post Share on other sites
Author milvushina Posted August 25, 2006 Author Share Posted August 25, 2006 Thank you. Well, what you said is pretty much how I handled this.. I will not tell him to shut up but I have said, "Please stop talking about this," or, "I really don't want to hear about it." And yes he does feel bad, and has taken steps to be more sensitive. There is a reason I don't ask him questions about this crap. I mean, we were 25 when we got together so I just assumed there's not a lot of new territory. That's fine. But these details are like a wall in some ways. For instance: He's said several times he'd like for us to take "naughty pictures" or whatever. I've done this before with exes, but doing it with my husband would be fun and totally different. However.. it might not be so fun for him if I'd told him all about doing this with another guy, showed him a picture, and mentioned it was taken in the crack house down the street where I screwed the hell out of someone for many consecutive hours despite being to screwed up to actually have an orgasm. Yuck! Sorry to go off like that, but I suppose I just don't know what to do with the way this makes me feel, and I just get angry and feel like talking about it anonymously. The past is the past...the past is the past.. Maybe that should be my mantra. I have let a lot of things go. Only a few episodes still bother me, make me angry, or visit my dreams. It sucks. But thanks for the reply. Maybe I should just force myself to think about kittens whenever I start to dwell on this stuff. Link to post Share on other sites
magichands Posted August 25, 2006 Share Posted August 25, 2006 Maybe I should just force myself to think about kittens whenever I start to dwell on this stuff. Hmmm... try to laugh it off? Not easy. Kittens are too sweet to be used for cognitive therapy. What if you start to associate kittens with disrespectful behaviour?? I'm just kidding. If you have to bring out the big guns - then you have to bring out the big guns. One last thing: you refused to fight fire with fire. Good for you. That shows real maturity - especially when you're hurting! Link to post Share on other sites
Author milvushina Posted August 25, 2006 Author Share Posted August 25, 2006 Hee hee...Amazingly, I have never actually thought about that before. I'll admit that I'm not dumb, but I am a real concrete thinker. Trivializing this kind of thing by laughing about it never really occurred to me. Anyway, it does feel better to talk about it, even online. Actually, your advice made me feel a lot better. Neato. Yeah, I'm smart enough to not try to hurt him back, especially since he never TRIES to be mean. I want to make things better, not escalate what's already a little ridiculous. Link to post Share on other sites
blind_otter Posted August 25, 2006 Share Posted August 25, 2006 Google: retroactive jealousy Link to post Share on other sites
magichands Posted August 25, 2006 Share Posted August 25, 2006 Google: retroactive jealousy I've always secretly believed that the relationship between wisdom and wordage is inversely proportional. Thanks for the confirmation. Isn't Google a search engine? Link to post Share on other sites
blind_otter Posted August 25, 2006 Share Posted August 25, 2006 yes, google is a search engine. Or the antichrist. Take your pick. Link to post Share on other sites
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