He's Obsessed or I'm Repressed.....

[curiosity]

Wow....where to begin...(not at the beginning, because it is too long, ha ha)

 

I guess i need information, and advice...

 

First with the questions:

Have any of you ever encountered a situation in which you were friends with someone who became obsessed with you? Have any of you ever been obsessed with your friend(s)?

If so, can you explain how it started, and what became of it?

 

I am not talking about harmless, minor short term obsessions we all experience from time to time ...well, maybe I am...but I guess I am talking more of like the harmless kind that grows into harmful, maybe??

 

What are the little red flags that the obsesser (is that a word??!) gave off that made you stop and think "wait a minute, this is weird"...and maybe you let it go, and it turned into something scarier, or maybe not...maybe it was just harmless....

 

sigh...I know this is all so vague, but....I think I am having trouble wondering if a certain friend is becoming a little scarier, or is it just me not trusting very much, or maybe he really likes me and I am just scared of feeling too much for him and that is making me think he is scary when he really isnt. My experiences with men have been a little horrifying, so maybe it could be my imagination or distrustfulness.

 

I would like to hear some stories from any of you who know or have experience with this sort of thing....

 

My short story:

My friend Matt, he recently professed these really strong feelings for me (we are in our mid 20's). In fact he said he loved me and wants to spend the rest of his life with me....he told me that nothing will stop him from being with me, or feeling like this, not even me, and that I shouldnt even try because it would be useless....thought he was joking, but he assured me he was dead serious, and that he wasnt going anywhere, ever....

 

I told him I was confused and not sure how I felt but that I am just working on my life right now, and that I appreciate his friendship and dont want to lose him...He said that was fine, and to take all the time I need.

 

..the truth is, I really do like him....probably even love him, but I dont want to tell him that...not sure why.......but....

 

It is just this weird feeling I get, as of late, that things are about to...become chaotic, I guess??

 

Is it all in my head? It very well could be.

[dgiirl]

_Always_ trust your gut. Even if it's wrong, it's better to be safe than sorry.

 

What I dont understand is, you think you might love him? Do you fear him or do you not? Is there something inside you telling you something is off? Trust that feeling!

[avoj]

You say you like him, maybe even love him. Do you mean in a friendship way or a romantic way?

I am in a similar situation as your friend (In love with me best friend, though we had sex together 4 times over a period of 4 months). She confused the situation by telling me she had feelings for me, but needed to work on her life and to heal. That when she was ready for me she would tell whomever I am with to get lost, along with a lot of other things that apparently "I read into" according to her.

So I waited patiently in high hopes for her since March. I love this woman and she shattered whatever self-worth & self-esteem I had left into a million tiny pieces.

The last time I brought up my feelings for her (month ago) she told me not to wait for her, ect. Of course I read into that statement that yes there may be a chance someday. So I asked her about that. She told me she didn't want to be mean, what she really meant is she and I will never happen.

That the sex was meaningless and she thought we were just having fun. She needs to have passion with someone, needs that attraction, ect.

Now I am completely heartbroken. I have no future with this woman except for friendship. I don't want friendship with her, but for some reason can't let go of the so-called friendship.

Every word she spoke to me since March is like a knife being forcefully driven into my heart. I feel nothing but resentment, hurt, hate, confusion and worthless. Yet she hangs on to me. We have spent every waking moment together since March.

That's why I ask you "You say you like him, maybe even love him. Do you mean in a friendship way or a romantic way? "

If it is in a romantic way, then why do you hold back? It is very painful for the other person.

[curiosity]

You say you like him, maybe even love him. Do you mean in a friendship way or a romantic way?

 

What I dont understand is, you think you might love him?

 

I know, it seems confusing...I am still trying to understand it myself...I havent been dishonest with him. I like him very very strongly, and I think these feelings could fast approach loving him very very strrongly, I just dont want to tell him that, because I am trying to move and be very very careful. He does know I like him, but not to such an extent.

 

I am not scared, well...not sure, sometimes the extent of his feelings for me overwhelm me which results in feeling scared, but no, he himself does not scare me. He just states these things which make me think he is love obsessed with me, like the things I mentioned in my first post...like when he tells me not to bother trying to stop him from loving me, just to go with it because it is right, and natural....these words seem so comfortable...I almost believe it....his words are so powerful, his hugs are so strong and sincere, but...

 

I feel like I bit off more than I can chew with him.....right now, its a give-take thing, with him giving a little more than he should....I dont want him to waste his time with me, but he insists that it is not a waste, no matter what...I told him he could lose in all of this, and he said he wont lose, because that is impossible...he will only win....I try to backpeddle and he...stops me...telling me not to run away...I dont want to, I want to go further but his extent of love is so deep...it feels ....obsessive...sometimes...

 

Like when he meets me out wherever I go, gas station, store, restaurant, just anywhere, I will be talking with him on the cell, he will ask where I am and then he will just show up there!!!..and I love seeing him...but,...it makes me feel bad because I cant give him a relationship right now, and he knows this, but still tries (i think) even though he is telling me he is not going to push me into anything.

 

I dont want him to use all his time and energy on me...he is so beautiful, inside and outside...he has so much passion, he is intelligent, and very sensual, he could be with anyone...and I just dont want to get hurt so I am taking it slow, having fun with him right now as a friend, and sorting out my life....he assures me that he is very real with me....but they all say that, dont they??

[avoj]

It's a good idea not to be truthful with your feelings right now. My "best friend" did that to me, then turned around and told me no way, only to hurt me more than anything else.

I'm not sure why you are so confused, but I hope you figure it out before you possibly lose the love of your life.

No they dont all say that at first. How long have you known this guy?

[dgiirl]

I think it's important to tell him that you are starting to feel a little uncomfortable with some of his actions and he needs to tone it down a little. ie, if he constantely asks where i am, then just shows up, it'd start to get on my nerves. My first relationship was like that. The more he became clingy, the less attracted I became, until it kinda felt stalkerish. I didnt handle the situation very well. I think you need to be honest and tell him you think things are starting to go a little too fast for your liking, and if you both want the relationship to last, take things slower. It's good to have open communication, and if he gets more clingy/stalkerish, you'll know it is time to get out.

[curiosity]

Thanks for the responses....

 

I have told him that he is starting to scare me, a couple of times when he would just show up, or with some of the things he has said to me, like when he tells me he loves me so much.....and he tells me that he doesnt want me to be scared of him, and he doesnt want me to run away from him...he just tells me to keep trusting in him. I told him I dont know where the future will lead us, but for now, I am comfortable with just being friends. He asked me if I thought I would be with him ever, or if I would go away with him, and I told him that I am still thinking things over. He told me not to think too much about it, just to trust in him and he will never hurt me....I still dont know....this all feels like a weird dream sometimes........Its like I live in a fog around him, he hypnotizes me, really, thats what it feels like...like I am in a trance...but when I am not around him, its like I snap out of it and start panicking....about everything....

 

Basically, I keep it all in. He knows I like him, but I havent let on how much, how close I am feeling with him, how much I just might love him....I just wanted to know if his actions seemed off to any of you, or was I reading too much into it??

[FishTale]

What are the little red flags that the obsesser (is that a word??!) gave off that made you stop and think "wait a minute, this is weird"

Things like what you wrote next...

 

In fact he said he loved me and wants to spend the rest of his life with me....he told me that nothing will stop him from being with me, or feeling like this, not even me, and that I shouldnt even try because it would be useless....thought he was joking, but he assured me he was dead serious, and that he wasnt going anywhere, ever....

Be very careful with this guy. If he had stopped at where he said he loved you it wouldn't be so weird (from my perspective anyway).

 

He goes on to say he wants to be with you forever (marriage? already?), then says he WILL be with you and you have no choice in the matter. If he controls that, what else will you have no choice in? The fact that he said what he said scares me, and I don't even know you two.

 

What if you said, right there, outright, that you didn't want to be with him? It doesn't sound like he would back off respectfully. Can we say "stalker"?

 

People who make brash declarations of love, and ask you to run away with them are almost always bad news from what I've seen.

 

Do what you feel is right, but please be very careful. His actions scream of red flag to me.

[avoj]

I can see how he is scaring you. He is coming on way to strong and that would scare me too. He doesn't sound dangerous or stalkish to me. Maybe you should sit him down and tell him that he is coming on to strong and you dont like it. It scares you. If you do have those love type feelings for him, why dont you just go for it.

Also if you do not forsee a future with him tell him right now that it will never happen. That's the only way to get him to stop professing his love for you. Even if telling him you do not see a future with him is a lie it may get him to stop.

The choice is yours.

 

Listen I love my best friend and see her as the person I could spend all eternity with. I am not in anyway a stalker or love obsessed. I just fell for her, thats it. After she told me No way and that the sex was just for fun. Those statements hurt me so bad I have never mentioned how I feel about her again and never will again. It hurts like a bitch.

[directx]

Run, don't walk, away from this guy. He is obsessed and it's not healthy.

 

You know those stories of when a girl starts dating a new guy and her old boyfriend needs to be 'straightened' out because he keeps trying to interfere? Well, this is going to be one of those stories.

 

Just 'hint' and liking a new guy and watch what happens.

[curiosity]

What if you said, right there, outright, that you didn't want to be with him?

 

There was a time that I said something along the lines of "I think we should back off, and slow down a bit" and that he needs to take care with his heart because I am uncertain with what I want to do right now....

 

He didnt take this piece of information too lightly. I believe he said something like "No, your not running away from this, your not leaving me, Dont you ever leave me"....but as it was an electronic transmission, I couldnt truly grasp the sincerity or seriousness of it.

 

Sometimes, when I lightly broach the subject of maybe him calming down a little bit, he just starts repeating "no, no, no, no..." and states that he is not going to leave me....

 

If you do have those love type feelings for him, why dont you just go for it.

 

Because I havent known him that long at all, and I dont feel like I really know him well enough to be charging into a relationship with him, especially since his intentions have been quite arduous with me.....but really, I like him sooo much, I truly do, I want something with him, my heart and my mind and my soul really want him, I feel like we could be real passionate and great together....I just need time, because I want to make sure before I go rushing in, and making all of those love-soaked promises we all make in the throes of passion and commitment but later on down the road we dont keep them at all....I dont want to hurt anyone....

 

After she told me No way and that the sex was just for fun.

 

I am sorry this has happened to you...she should of never jerked your emotions around like that....that is a horrible thing to do....that is what I am trying to avoid with my friend.

 

Lucky for me, I wont sleep with him until I am absolutely sure we are a certain thing...we have messed around here and there, but I always stop things because honestly, it gets so intense sometimes that I feel out of control and that scares me..

 

He wants us to go away together, and I really want to, really bad...but..I am almost afraid to be alone with him, afraid of what might happen between us....he promises me that nothing bad will ever happen, and that his intentions are only good with me...but who knows??

[directx]

Go to a newspaper and look for a sale on running shoes. Get two pair.

Start running.

[curiosity]

He is obsessed and it's not healthy

 

Okay, I know I had a little fear that he was starting to become that way, but I wasnt sure.....others here said that he wasnt...can you tell me why exactly you think that??

Go to a newspaper and look for a sale on running shoes. Get two pair.

Start running.

thats funny!

[Marquis-de-Carabas]

It's the 'I love you and you can't get away from that' kind of schtick.

 

It was after your original post that my mind said, "Dude's a stalker. Run away NOW." Get some sort of defensive device, take defensive training. This dude is stalker scary and I don't think he'll go away without a swift kick to the groin daily for a year.

 

When someone says to you after two dates something to the idea of "You know you love me." RUN LIKE HECK the other way.

[curiosity]

yes, but are you sure that it wasnt just me writing that title that got you to think he was being a bit obsessive?? Because I am just naturally cautious, and thought maybe I was reading into it too much, you know??

 

Or maybe he is just being a little too overpersuasive and thinks that if he acts like that I will give in sooner....not sure.

[directx]

The reason I say that is because I myself felt like that. I was like that before I got more experience with women. With one poor girl I was obsessive. I never spoke to her saying the ulitmatums your guy is, because even at my phase I realized its very controlling and very selfish if you think about it. But I believed I loved her and only wanted her to love me. She was smart and moved away from me quick (she was more experienced and wasn't). I only wish today I could meet her and apologize for being so weird.

How experienced with women is this guy? My guess is not much but it doesn't matter if he's not. He has traits I recognize that are unhealthly obsessive in my opinion.

If it means that much to you, continue talking to him but play it really really slow and watch his behavior closely in certain situations.

For example, when you are with him state an attraction for another guy (even a made up guy).

He obviously has this vision of you both being together. Start changing that vision slightly (maybe for example he dreams of ranch with a dog. you state how you dreamt of having a two story house with cats, no dogs). This example is lame, but you know what I mean.

 

Be less available and if calls you to go out,say to a movie, tell him you are going out with your friends elsewhere. I'd bet 10$ he shows up at 'elsewhere' unannounced.

 

Seriously, in my opinion, its not worth it. He has some growing up to do.

[TJettman]

The scary part for you should be when you just go out in public without telling him and he just happens to show up. How the hell did he know where you were? That's what stalking is. Following you around. Watching your every move. There is a line between love-sick obsessive and just plain creepy stalker obsessive and it sounds like he crossed it. Love-sick is sitting at home wondering what they are doing, if they are thinking about you like think about them, think about the things that attract you to them. Creep stalker is watching them sleep through their bedroom window, showing up unannounced in public, saying things like "I won't let you leave me." and "If I can't have you, no one will." just before they decide to keep your head in their freezer. Run away now.

[JCD]

Look, you love him, he loves you so go for it! If it doesn't work out then chalk it up to experience. Don't worry about hurting him or he you because that is part of life. Lot of people meet their first crush and when they're refused then they say they'll never date again for fear of rejection again. Well, you're going to get rejected but also sometimes accepted. One doesn't go without the other so suck it up and live life which is both wonderful and painful.

[curiosity]

How experienced with women is this guy? My guess is not much but it doesn't matter if he's not.

 

I cant get a read on how much experience he has with women. I know he has had relationships in the past, I just dont know how many or what it consisted of. He doesnt like to talk about it. When I ask him, he told me he isnt the type that "kisses and tells". Which is true, I guess.

 

He isnt like other guys, doesnt gloat about his conquests. In fact, I have tried to see how experienced he was, but he completely closed the door on that subject.....I guess I asked out of curiosity, how many partners he has had, and he refused to answer, he told me "you know me, what do you think"....yes, but I dont really know him....I could guess, by fooling around with him, he has experience with women because he is very slow, and patient, and also draws things out, and takes his time. He makes me melt but is very respectful and stops when I want to. I try not to be put into a position where he and I will get physical, but he loves touching and being affectionate.

 

For example, when you are with him state an attraction for another guy (even a made up guy).

 

I have tried this in the past, actually, not on purpose....Another guy expressed attraction for me, and he knew about it and was pissed, really really pissed, but he didnt freak out on me, or say anything...I could tell by the way he was acting that he didnt like it one bit.

 

Be less available

 

I have tried and he has told me that I am going with him anyway. I always have a good time so all in all, I am happy I went, but I have been trying to distance myself from him so I dont get so attatched...but he doesnt let me draw back...

 

 

Following you around. Watching your every move

 

I dont think he was watching my every move, I think its because he will usually ask what I am doing, and I tell him. That is when he shows up. Sometimes its scary because I will be talking to him one minute, and the next he will be standing beside me without any warning that he was even going there.

 

To JCD:

 

I dont want to ever be put into a position with another man that is going to damage me more than I already am. I cant be so happy go lucky as you stated. I basically really want something with him, but want to take it very very slow. He knows this, but he keeps coming closer when I back off.

 

Thanks for all your responses, I guess only time will tell. I was seriously considering moving to a different place with him, at his suggestion. Maybe we can learn more about each other that way. I made it clear that I wont be moving with him and have a relationship with him. I told him we will only be friends and roomates and nothing more. He said that was fine with him, he is fine with that. So I think that is what I might do. Thanks for the advice!

[avoj]

Why are you moving in with him? My god your story almost sounds like mine. My best friend(the one i slept with many times), whom I have stated to that I wanted more than a relationship with moved in with me a couple of months ago.

It's rough b/c I want to hold her, cuddle with her and just be affectionate, but cant. What is going to be really hard is when she starts dating. Did you think about that. When you start dating how is that going to work?

I've already made my mind up on that issue. I asked her not to talk about it or shove it in my face. I do realize it will be a very painful experience and as a result the friendship may end.

[curiosity]

Avoj~

 

It does appear that our circumstances are quite similar...except reversed..can you tell me whose idea it was in your situation to move in togehter? I will read up on your posts.

 

Did you think about that. When you start dating how is that going to work?

 

Well, I brought up the subject of living together and then I casually broached the subject of dating. I just kind of said that although we are such good and close friends now, I understand that when he starts dating we might not be spending that much time toghether, and I was perfectly fine with that. I told him that I know we will be spending time together, but that I also know we both have seperate lives....his response to that was "lets just move there first, and worry about the rest of it later" and "lets not talk about that now, because you never know what is going to happen in the future"....to which I say that I am almost sure its not going to include us "being together" (in a boyfriend/girlfriend sense) or even sexually together. and at that point he tells me not to worry about any of it, to lets just move and we will work it out later. If I push it on somedays, (because I want to make sure he is getting it) he tells me "okay, alright. thats fine"....but I heard him tell me one day that when he says "okay" its really just another way to say "whatever, yeah right" without being argumentative....so who knows?

Are you and her physical now? When you first moved in? How was everything?

[curiosity]

Actually, Avoj~

 

I answered my own questions to you, so you dont have to post it all over again, nevermind, sorry....my situation is nearly identical to yours, except my best friend is a man. Reading your thread was *extremely* insightful....what happened between you and her is exactly what I am trying to avoid, but he just doesnt seem to get it...or maybe he does, but doesnt care?? I am well aware that these situations play out exactly as yours had, and thats what I want to avoid, having to make someone suffer when it was really all very unecessary, if I just am cautious about the whole matter....I am reading more on your plight...

[avoj]

Wow. You sound very similar to my best friend. It's very confusing and hurtful. No we haven't been physcial since June. I have backed off since and will not even touch her anymore. (We use to be very intimate, cuddle in bed, hold hands, ect) However I miss that with her, but out of fear of being rejected cannot allow myself that closeness to her. We spend a lot of time together. I can't help falling more and more for her. I can't stop it.

 

She was having some issues from a past, abusive relationship that she hasn't quite gotten over. (Not that she misses the person. This person really hurt her emotionally, physically and screwed her over financially)

 

Maybe you can help me explore the mind of my friend, since the both of you sound like twins. lol

 

You may not care if he dates, but how will he react when you start dating? I know my friend doesnt care (she also stated that fact), but I know I will get very jealous when she starts to date. It hurts me b/c I can't understand what it is about me. It was OK to sleep with me, but wont date me. Tells me she is not ready for a relationship or dating right now with anyone. I can remember at one point her saying to me that when she is ready for me she will tell whomever I am with to backoff. Then a few months later I am told that she and I will never happen. That hurts deeply. Also I still feel a bit confused and not sure if I should believe some of the hurtful things she has said. I've caught her looking at me with this look on her face. I'm not sure how to decipher it.

 

Your situation & mindset is just as confusing as hers.

[curiosity]

Your situation & mindset is just as confusing as hers.

 

Yes, I know, and I am sorry!!!

 

You see, I know that I am easily propelled by emotions and passion. I have been swept away before. I have also been involved in quite abusive relationships in the past. That is why I am now taking it easy. I dont think I can see myself dating anyone, for a long long long long time. I just honestly dont see myself fixing the incredible hurt in my heart anytime soon. I would rather not project that onto someone else right now. I would rather not bring baggage and old hurts into a new relationship.

 

Your girl could feel scared, so very scared of you, in a way that you opened her up, made her feel that it was possible to let go and love again, and she might be running from that, and sticking instead, to people that she knows will only be there short term. Your girl could also be trying to still figure out if you are just the type to "only want what you cant have, and as you soon as you have it you are gone"...maybe she knows that she is very capable of falling in love with you, so in love that she cant see straight, and the minute that she does fall in love with you, you will turn your back on her. Maybe she is trying to avoid falling in love with you in the first place.

 

With my best friend, he has been "forcing me" to fall in love with him, (not physically forcing me) but basically making it impossible for me to not fall in love with him. He wont give up, he is relentless, he seems to enjoy picking my brain and then throwing it all back at me in my moment of weakness.

[avoj]

 

You see, I know that I am easily propelled by emotions and passion. I have been swept away before. I have also been involved in quite abusive relationships in the past. That is why I am now taking it easy. I dont think I can see myself dating anyone, for a long long long long time. I just honestly dont see myself fixing the incredible hurt in my heart anytime soon. I would rather not project that onto someone else right now. I would rather not bring baggage and old hurts into a new relationship.

 

That's how she talks. She says maybe in a year she will want to start dating again, ect. How long have you been out of the last abusive relationship? I was in a really messed up long term relationship over a year ago. It was not abusive, but was very controlling & manipulative. So yes I do freeze up and become scared when it comes to thinking about being in another relationship. However I do know how I feel about my friend and I have never felt anything quite like this, which only makes it more frustrating for me. I have sent her mixed messages myself. Mostly b/c I was trying to play of the hurt she was causing me to feel.

Take your time to heal if that's what you need.

 

Your girl could feel scared, so very scared of you, in a way that you opened her up, made her feel that it was possible to let go and love again, and she might be running from that, and sticking instead, to people that she knows will only be there short term. Your girl could also be trying to still figure out if you are just the type to "only want what you cant have, and as you soon as you have it you are gone"...maybe she knows that she is very capable of falling in love with you, so in love that she cant see straight, and the minute that she does fall in love with you, you will turn your back on her. Maybe she is trying to avoid falling in love with you in the first place.

 

I do know I scared her when I told her I was madly in love with her. About a month ago she told me that scared her and she ran. She said she doesn't want anyone to love her. She also told me she doesnt want me to wait for her, that it's healthy for me to date. Of course I took this as a yes I do like you, maybe I should wait it out. When I asked her about this. Whether or not this meant what I thought or a nice way of saying i will never date you. She picked the answer I did not want to hear. She told me I want something I cant have and told me to stop chasing her.

I constantly am hearing her talk about how she wants an open relationship so she can have multiple partners at the same time.

I also can remember the last time we were physically together she said to me what if we were together and you stopped like me in a few months. Then what?

Your post has shed a lot of light on my situation, though I do not know if it is the same. I hope in my heart that this is what she is thinking, that eventually she will come around, but I have a hard time believing that. Basically I have given up. All I can do is hopefully get her to regain trust again in people. Show her in small ways that I care. (Which I do) This past week I burned her a bunch of CD's and wrote weird **** on the covers. She liked it. Told me it made her smile. Hell I even cook dinner for her and give her all the space she needs.