He's Obsessed or I'm Repressed.....

[curiosity]

Avoj~

 

I think your girl is afraid of falling. I think that she is fighting against it and you, to test you, to see what you are made of, to see if you are going to run. She keeps testing you to see what you are gonna do next. I bet she wants you to make her surrender to you....

 

do know I scared her when I told her I was madly in love with her. About a month ago she told me that scared her and she ran. She said she doesn't want anyone to love her. She also told me she doesnt want me to wait for her, that it's healthy for me to date.

 

wow, that sounds just like me.....I ran and was pissed when he told me he loved me, madly and didnt want to let me go...it haunted me, that he should feel like this, I tried to change his mind, anything I could not to make it so, but he stood firm....I told him as well, not to dwell on me, and to date and go out and have fun, because he deserves so much...he told me that what he deserves is me.....

 

She told me I want something I cant have and told me to stop chasing her.

 

I told him basically the same thing, that he only wanted me for now, but when the thrill was over, he would discard me...he told me that everyday he finds more ways to fall in love with me...he scares me...I am scared of this and him...

 

burned her a bunch of CD's

He does this for me too...

 

I think what your girl wants is the impossible...she wants love unconditional, a perfect, whole love. She wants you to promise to never ever leave her, but even if you felt that and told her that she wouldnt believe you. She wants it in writing, signed in blood. (not literally )Even then she might not believe you because she has a trust issue.

 

I think she is quietly observing you, observing how you react, how you deal with your life, emotions, the world, other people, other lovers. She is looking for something wrong, but also looking for something right, too, if that makes sense. She is gauging your strength.

 

I do know that life has a way of working itself out....Truly I believe that if it is meant to be, it will be....By no means do I think you should pine away for her...on the contrary, live your life, and while doing so, instill in her that you are someone to be trusted, and prove it to her in any possible way. She will come around sooner or later. And when she does, be prepared, but dont stop living. Be firm with her, show her how strong you are and she will automatically follow. These are the things I am learning from my friend. He is resiliant, no matter how many times I tell him it is not possible, he tells me it is, that anything is and to just trust him. The more I am with him, the more I keep pushing that little warning further into my mind. I think he knows this, that I am starting to lose my inhibitions around him and he is starting to turn up the heat. Just when I got used to one thing with him, he introduces another!!

 

Kissing was one. I never felt comfortable with that physical act...it just felt so personal! but now I am warming up quite nicely...He started off by just hugging me, which I would resist at first, but then I didnt think it was so bad...then it was a hug with a peck...and so on....and mentally too....he has been preparing me to trust in him, using the same sort of methods...little by little....

[avoj]

I could only wish that is what is going on in this situation. That she does really like me for more than a friend, but I don't think that is the case. ALso I have backed way off b/c I do not want to scare her anymore and protecting my own poor heart.

To answer your orgional question I don't think he is obsessed. Maybe he is just someone who feels very strongly about you, like I do with my friend. (Doesn't make me obsessed) Maybe he shows up where you are cause he wants to make you smile. I dunno. That would be my thinking if I was doing something like that to her, but I dont do that.

 

Anyhow keep us all updated. I am curious since your twin lives with me. LOL

[JCD]

Curiosity: you must take risks in life. Without failures there are no successes.

 

Avoj: you can't hold out hope that someone will someday love you. Move on with your life and date a lot to see what's out there. Dating will help you out of self pity. I know you don't want to date because you have feelings for her still. But, that's the point. To crush those feelings and replace them with feelings that you have for new girl. That is what will get you back on track with your life. Not dwelling on what once was and never will be.

 

This is exactly what I'm finding out right now. My heart was crushed by a girl going to her ex, leaving me hopeless and very hurt. I'm now talking to another girl that I like. I still have feelings for my first girl but it feels so good to not be thinking about her all the time now that I sneak new thoughts I have for the new girl. That is what actually heals me. The possibility of a new relationship. I don't care if I get hurt again, I'll just try another relationship until I find one that works. I'm learning a lot about girls and about myself going thru this journey.

[avoj]

You are right JCD. I have been out there trying to date. The problem is as soon as someone likes me I freak out, freeze up and run. I think the reason I do this is b/c I am so afraid of getting hurt again.

 

Even if my friend did like me, I'm not sure I could trust her after all of this. Even having her as a friend I feel a lot of distrust in her actions & her words. I already told her I couldn't promise her a friendship in the future. Of course she did not like hearing those words & kinda freaked out. She told me she likes living with me, likes me and my house. That she doesn't usually do this with friends, but this case is different. She can't help it. I'm not exactly sure what she meant by this statement, but this is how much distrust I have.

 

See she got screwed over by her ex-ex financially about a year ago. SHe got stuck with 2 cars (2 car payments) and couldnt afford to be on her own. So me caring a little tooo much about her, told her she could live with me. I have let her live at my house for free for the last month & half (until she got rid of the other car). She is going to start paying me here in September.

 

So I think her statement meant she has no choice but to live with me b/c of her financial situation, which makes me feel like I am being used & she really doesn't give two cents about me. Hence the phrase, "That she doesn't usually do this with friends, but this case is different. She can't help it."

 

That statement could be read into 2 different ways. Ever since she told me I read into everything she says I am taking it the negative way. So not only do I feel like she is possibly using me for financial reasons, but also for the sex(past-tense), , and emotional stuff I have given to her. When she told me about a month ago that the sex meant nothing & she was only having fun, that destroyed me. She told me that when she saw that it meant more to me, that scared her and she didnt know what to do. That hurts.

 

We are both in our 30's, I have always thought when you have sex with someone you must like them, feel some sort of passion, right? Well I guess I was wrong and have been living in some sort of romantic, fantasy world all of me life. Never to take anyone seriously when they give themselves to you emotionally, intimately and/or physically.

 

I have been nothing but supportive of her over the last year.

 

It hurts. I have no trust. My ex of 7-years did the same thing to me. Started stealing money. I bought her a car and got stuck with two car payments. She left me for a co-worker. (was cheating on me for months) Also got stuck with a lot of unpaid bills she didn't pay.

 

I was never the jealous type, but now I am finding that I am. All I feel is a lot of hurt and always feel I am being taken advantage of. I also believe that once she finds someone else who will give emotionally, intimately, ect she will leave me sitting in the dust. I've been licking my wounds for too long. She opened them back up and I can't control it.

 

I feel out of control, like my life, feelings and emotions have gone haywire, that everything I feel or say is stupid, that I am wrong for feeling. That she isn't going to settle and basically has hinted that she can do much better than me. So I feel that I am just not good enough, no matter what I do. I feel she is always judging my actions or what I say. After the god awful, hurtful talk we had I became very distant & cold. (Protecting myself from her) She made a comment that she couldn't imagine dating me b/c I be so hot & cold.I apologized later on for this and she says oh that is normal. "Ive had crushes on friends and was rejected so i understand." and constantly wants to make a joke of what went on b/w us. Like" you can tell me ssee you could have had me, it's your loss." Like that is freakin funny.

She made her last g/f hate me b/c after she broke up with her she told her she and i have feelings for each other. So now the ex thinks I was a prowler & despises me. If only she knew that she cheated on her with me the night before the break up & the night of the break up and so on.

 

She can sit there and tell me that I am just missing having a relationship. That was never the case. I felt nothing for her when I first met her, it grew over time. I never even found her attractive (she is), but now I think she is beautiful on the outside & on the inside.(when she isnt running her mouth about stuff that makes her look callous & slutty)

 

So no this was never just a "crush" or missing a relationship. It was about what I am feeling and just how real it is. It hurts to love someone. I've been burned by people I care about way too much. Somethings gotta give. Right?

[directx]

Ok, first of all, that behavior he gives when he doesn't want to chat about past girls, its because there isn't much to talk about because he has little experience. I bet with a little digging, all the girls he said he dated, the girls he is talking about wouldn't call it dating. I used the 'I dont kiss and tell' too to hide my embarrassment of not have much of a past.

 

Second and most important, what you said bothers me:

 

I have tried and he has told me that I am going with him anyway. I always have a good time so all in all, I am happy I went, but I have been trying to distance myself from him so I dont get so attatched...but he doesnt let me draw back...

 

I am even more bothered how other people here didn't catch this either.

WHEN YOU SAY YOU ARE GOING TO DO SOMETHING, DON'T BE CONTROLLED TO DO SOMETHING YOU DON'T WANT TO.

Regardless if you have a good time anyway. That's not the point. He is a control nut and it doesn't get better, but gets worse.

 

HE DOESN"T LET YOU DRAW BACK!?!?!

You own your body and your self. No one else. I thought the days of women being doormats were over.

 

People have no respect for those who don't respect themselves.

This guy doesn't care about you, he cares about him caring about you.

 

All you women here that read this should be up in arms and should be ashamed.

[curiosity]

Directx,

 

Thank you for your response, I guess you are the only one going against the grain here. I finally did dig some info out of him about his past.....he was able to tell me that he has had several long relationships, but wouldnt get in depth about them because he didnt want to talk about the past. He keeps saying that the "past is in the past" and that we shouldnt worry about the past at all...I think this is a strange concept, because if you dont talk about the past, how are you supposed to know where you are going??

I know alot of us dont like to talk about the past, but even simple questions such as "how many relationships have you had" or "where you ever serious with someone" or "have you ever fallen in love"....are those questions too personal to ask, in your opinion?? I guess he seems to think so, because he tries to avoid them...and when he does answer, the answers are somewhat vague...

 

all the girls he said he dated, the girls he is talking about wouldn't call it dating

 

I dont know, he said he has had a couple of serious relationships. I dont know what to believe. Maybe it was a tortured past and he hates to bring it up. I dont know.

 

This guy doesn't care about you, he cares about him caring about you.

 

This was really really deep...I had to sit back and think on that for awhile...This very well might be the case...

[JCD]

Avoj: I think when you help out others you kind of have to accept that there is a possibility for that person to not return your things. So you pretty much give without being paid back. If you accept this view then it's easier to get past those relationships where this has happened to you. I also agree with you that when you sleep with someone it means you love them. Assuming that she is not a slut. I'm also in my 30's and I have noticed some girls still not being mature enough or having good morals to go by. So your girl probably needs little bit more time to mature or at least realize how good she has it with you. I would date others while you give her time to find this out for herself. Maybe she'll realize it and will come back to you. If not then why would you want someone like that? Maybe you need to meet more mature girl to see what you're missing? I mean that in a nice way ofcourse.

 

Curiosity: Like DirectX, I also believe that your guy is inexperienced and possibly you're his first love thus he tends to go overboard with the things he's saying to you. A guy with more experience I think would be more cautious about you and would do things slower. He also might be a control freak but if he is then turn him down. I assume you have enough self respect and strength to do that and not be like some women that stay in abusive relationship. Actually, being strong to me is a very sexy trait in a woman because I like people that are not wishy washy. You can't trush or predict wishy washy people. They drive me crazy with their indecisiveness.

I also think that when you say you're afraid of falling in love with him that you think he is your mate forever. You kind of have to go into a relationship expecting it to fail and not make big fuss about it. Move on to another one. You'll get lot of experience this way and you'll be able to cross out guys that present some undesireable traits to you early on. You're going to mature into a woman that knows who and what she wants. You'll know who you are and that gives you confidence.

[directx]

So whats going on? Still seeing him?

[britchick]

Listen to Directx. I think he has hit the nail on the head.

 

Sometimes it's difficult to resist falling for someone who is so obviously smitten with you, but this man sounds scary.

 

Long time ago I ended up in a brief relationship like this - he boosted my ego I suppose after being cheated on by an ex. He became completely obsessed and was pretty much unrecognisable from the man I'd first met. I ended up changing the locks, he hit a female colleague because she was on 'my side' as well as other generally creepy stuff. Thing is if I'd listened to my gut I would never have got involved with him. He appeared such a nice guy, romantic, always said and did the right thing - but something didn't feel right and I ignored it. Don't make the same mistake.

[curiosity]

Yes, I am still seeing him, but its because he always makes himself around, so its impossible not to. I am not "seeing him" like dating him, just as friends. He is really really pushing to move, and soon, so we are working on that for now, checking out apartments, calling around, that type of thing. He knows that we are moving together as friends and nothing more, and he says he is fine with that. I offered to bring a friend along, and he declined. He just wants the both of us to move in together alone, which I am bit worried about, but he tells me to take a chance, and that he would never hurt me, so that is where I am at with all of this.

 

britchick: that guy was a maniac! I am sorry you had to know someone like that. I dont think this guy would ever do anything to really hurt me, or anyone I know or love. He backs off for the most part, but it takes some coaxing, and when he comes back around, he is more assertive than usual, and that can get weird, but maybe he just has a hard time expressing himself, in an uncreepy manner.

[britchick]

Yes, I am still seeing him, but its because he always makes himself around, so its impossible not to. I am not "seeing him" like dating him, just as friends. He is really really pushing to move, and soon, so we are working on that for now, checking out apartments, calling around, that type of thing. He knows that we are moving together as friends and nothing more, and he says he is fine with that. I offered to bring a friend along, and he declined. He just wants the both of us to move in together alone, which I am bit worried about, but he tells me to take a chance, and that he would never hurt me, so that is where I am at with all of this.

 

britchick: that guy was a maniac! I am sorry you had to know someone like that. I dont think this guy would ever do anything to really hurt me, or anyone I know or love. He backs off for the most part, but it takes some coaxing, and when he comes back around, he is more assertive than usual, and that can get weird, but maybe he just has a hard time expressing himself, in an uncreepy manner.

 

What I was trying to get across is that it seemed completely out of character for him too. There are danger signs here, which you are ignoring.

[Guest]

THis is the letter I have sent to my so called friend. I am ending the friendship. This is so hard for me to do, but after tonights convo with her I know she doesn't give a crap about me. She knew I was upset, but takes off to party at the bar. Tell me guys/girls. Have I done the right thing? I am hurting so bad right now. I do love her, but why keep a so-called friendship that only hurts. Curiosity do not move in with your guy. You may lose him in the long run.

 

So I heard some stuff that you said. About how you watch what you do around me. Such as hugging and acting intimate with other people. I'm sorry you feel stuck in this situation. How is that going to workout , when you decide you want to date or have a girlfriend(s)? Hmm...Do you honestly think I am going to be OK with that? No I will not. All that will do is hurt me more, b/c I can never be with you. Do you know what that feels like? No. Probably not b/c you can have anyone you want.

I never asked to fall for you the way that I did. Now I live in constant heartbreak, just waiting on the day that you can break my heart even more. I do not want a friendship with you, that has been decided. I wanted more and a friendship is not going to workout between us. There is no friendship. It's just not worth it anymore. The hurt outweighs everything else.

 

I expect $800 from you for the 2 months you have lived here for free. I'm also upset by the fact that you can spend money frivously on movies, bars, ect, but could not give that money to me for utilitys. That is what makes me think you are using me. I have also come to the conclusion that you do not care about anyone, but yourself. I think it's time for you to grow-up. Everything is a joke with you. You laugh at things that shouldn't be laughed at.

 

I am also upset b/c of words you have said to me in the past that eat away at me constantly. I will give you a few examples. This is pertaining to when we slept together. "I thought we were just having fun." "It meant more to you than it meant to me." "I was drunk." Do you know how that made me feel? You really hurt me and I cannot forgive you.You have done nothing but make me feel like a piece of worthless poo. You have made me feel like I was never good enough and you could find & do sooooo much better. You have made me feel unattractive, and worthless as human being. Sometimes I feel you think you are the "almighty HH" and can have anyone you want. I'm tired. I'm hurting more than you will ever no. I've tryed. I've tryed not to like you, but it's all a lie.

 

Thank you for destroying me emotionallly. I almost wish I would have never had met you. I wish I had never opened up emotionally to you. I cannot take being hurt anymore. In one-years time I have been hurt by 2 people that I thought cared about me. I can't do it anymore.

 

This was very hard for me to do. It hurts me to do this b/c I actually do care about you, but am not going to be taken advantage of b/c of that emotion called "caring." You also hurt me when you say things like "With you being hot & cold all of the time I couldn't imagine dating you."

 

If you do not tell J you cheated on her with me I will. I think she deserves to know the truth. So far you have done nothing but lie, cheat and hurt people that do care about you.

 

Thank you for everything. All I can do in my own defense is to keep telling myself I am not a bad person. I am good person. Anyone who is with me will be very lucky. I am to good for you.

 

Do you know what it feels like to love someone so much that it hurts? When I am with you I hold back all emotions. It's hard. I enjoy being with you. Gawd I even miss you when I am not around you. This cannot go on.

 

It's very hard for me to think that what happened between us meant nothing to you. That you never felt a damned thing for me. I didn't realize there were people in the world like that. However I want to discuss this with you face to face tomorrow night.

[avoj]

THis is the letter I have sent to my so called friend. I am ending the friendship. This is so hard for me to do, but after tonights convo with her I know she doesn't give a crap about me. She knew I was upset, but takes off to party at the bar. Tell me guys/girls. Have I done the right thing? I am hurting so bad right now. I do love her, but why keep a so-called friendship that only hurts. Curiosity do not move in with your guy. You may lose him in the long run.

 

So I heard some stuff that you said. About how you watch what you do around me. Such as hugging and acting intimate with other people. I'm sorry you feel stuck in this situation. How is that going to workout , when you decide you want to date or have a girlfriend(s)? Hmm...Do you honestly think I am going to be OK with that? No I will not. All that will do is hurt me more, b/c I can never be with you. Do you know what that feels like? No. Probably not b/c you can have anyone you want.

I never asked to fall for you the way that I did. Now I live in constant heartbreak, just waiting on the day that you can break my heart even more. I do not want a friendship with you, that has been decided. I wanted more and a friendship is not going to workout between us. There is no friendship. It's just not worth it anymore. The hurt outweighs everything else.

 

I expect $800 from you for the 2 months you have lived here for free. I'm also upset by the fact that you can spend money frivously on movies, bars, ect, but could not give that money to me for utilitys. That is what makes me think you are using me. I have also come to the conclusion that you do not care about anyone, but yourself. I think it's time for you to grow-up. Everything is a joke with you. You laugh at things that shouldn't be laughed at.

 

I am also upset b/c of words you have said to me in the past that eat away at me constantly. I will give you a few examples. This is pertaining to when we slept together. "I thought we were just having fun." "It meant more to you than it meant to me." "I was drunk." Do you know how that made me feel? You really hurt me and I cannot forgive you.You have done nothing but make me feel like a piece of worthless poo. You have made me feel like I was never good enough and you could find & do sooooo much better. You have made me feel unattractive, and worthless as human being. Sometimes I feel you think you are the "almighty HH" and can have anyone you want. I'm tired. I'm hurting more than you will ever no. I've tryed. I've tryed not to like you, but it's all a lie.

 

Thank you for destroying me emotionallly. I almost wish I would have never had met you. I wish I had never opened up emotionally to you. I cannot take being hurt anymore. In one-years time I have been hurt by 2 people that I thought cared about me. I can't do it anymore.

 

This was very hard for me to do. It hurts me to do this b/c I actually do care about you, but am not going to be taken advantage of b/c of that emotion called "caring." You also hurt me when you say things like "With you being hot & cold all of the time I couldn't imagine dating you."

 

If you do not tell J you cheated on her with me I will. I think she deserves to know the truth. So far you have done nothing but lie, cheat and hurt people that do care about you.

 

Thank you for everything. All I can do in my own defense is to keep telling myself I am not a bad person. I am good person. Anyone who is with me will be very lucky. I am to good for you.

 

Do you know what it feels like to love someone so much that it hurts? When I am with you I hold back all emotions. It's hard. I enjoy being with you. Gawd I even miss you when I am not around you. This cannot go on.

 

It's very hard for me to think that what happened between us meant nothing to you. That you never felt a damned thing for me. I didn't realize there were people in the world like that. However I want to discuss this with you face to face tomorrow night.

[avoj]

Ok I didn't actually send her the letter above, but did talk to her about these issues. Just wanted to update.

[curiosity]

Avoj~

 

You said that you didnt send her this letter, but that you spoke with her instead. I am curious to know if things still remained the same after this discussion?

Did you end the friendship then? Did you tell "J" that she was cheating on her with you??

 

My situation is still the same...he keeps pushing to live together, and I am going to do it, but I have decided to push the time back a couple of months, and I could tell he was losing his patience with me, but he told me that it was fine, and to take the time I needed.

Thing about him that has me worried is that he might seem like a man that is immature, but he is anything but. Everything about him is calculated, and exact. He carries himself as a very in control, self assured, mature man. He knows what he wants. He seems a bit possesive, but I am sure, with time,and with reminders from me often enough that he will back off. He knows I am not ready for anything yet. He has told me to take my time. I have laid it on the line enough, so he knows exactly where I stand, and has said to take all the time in the world.....but the way he looks at me when he is saying it, makes me nervous.....with that smirk that says he can afford to wait because he knows what the future holds.....how come I dont know, but he knows???!!

He told me not to worry about anything at all, he has so much to teach me, and show me, and that he has a feeling everything will work out so good, and that neither of us will be disappointed.

I tell him I will think about it. He tells me not to think too much, just to go with it..

[avoj]

The conversation went well. No I did not tell J anything. Sunday morning she was leaving b/c she was upset, but I caught her in time. She was trying to be all harsh, ect, but ended up crying. (This is before the conversation). So I hugged her for a little bit while she cryed and told her we need to talk later on Sunday night.

 

I told her everything. How I felt about her. How she hurt me with some inappropriate things she has said in the past. such as (I thought we were just having fun when we had sex. ect) . How I felt that it is a possibility she is using me. That I do not want to hurt anymore.

She basically told me that she isn't ready for a g/f. Doesn't want anyone to like her. That I sent her mixed messages b/c I would only hit on her after we had been drinking and never when I was sober. She said I was the one that would make out with other people in front of her, (though she didn't care).

 

Last night while I was talking to her about how hurt I am and how I do still like her for more, she wouldn't make eye contact and got kind of withdrawn. I think it scares her that someone does actually care about her. I don't think she knows how to handle it. She said she doesn't want to be responsible for causing people pain. She just isn't ready. A few times I saw some tears come to her eyes. She did ask me about the hot & cold thing I do with her. Last weekend I slept on the couch instead of the bed with her. She brought that up. I told her b/c I really wanted to cuddle with her, so slept on the couch to avoid that. She didn't say anything. Looked down at the ground and used the cats as a shield for her emotions.

 

About the using thing, she says she isn't using me and doesn't know how to prove that she isn't. The financial aid thing is the truth. The school overpaid her over the summer. She used that money to get rid of the cars. Now the school will not release her financial aid for the fall/winter term until she gives them half of the money. She borrowed half of the money from her co-worker and is going to financial aid today to pay them half the money so they will release her financial aid. From now until the beginning of the spring semester she has to pay the school $500 a month, pay her co-worker back, pay me and giver her parents the $3000 she owes them. I also brought up the spending money on dinner & movies, ect., but both agreed that $10 or $20 a month is really not going to do anything for me.

Also now that I think about it, she pays for me for a lot of things, so I really have no right to get upset over that.

 

She is paying me $800 and after that monthly b/c the financial aid thing got all screwed up. I do believe what she is saying. I also told her she and I need to talk about these things in the future. How I am feeling. How she is feeling. When I start feeling like I have been I need to bring it up to her.

 

So I am not kicking her out. I really do believe she isn't using me. I think she is hurting, confused and trying to get her life in order. I am not helping by treating her like I have been. I think we both just need to have a better understand of each other. Maybe I need to be patient with her. I'm not sure.

 

Today via email I felt so bad about everything I apologized " I just wanted to apologize again for the way I acted Saturday night. I am truely sorry. It breaks my heart to know I hurt you and I feel guilt for it. I think I am just trying to come to an understanding of how you are feeling and where you are at in life. It's not easy b/c I can't read you and feelings/emotions are a complex thing. I am sorry and hope I have not broken any kind of trust, or made you feel on edge. I do promise from now on I will talk to you about things before going to others."

 

Her response. "It's fine. I understand. It's tough for the both of us. People react the way they do. I just hope we can talk like we did last night in the future instead of the way we did on Saturday. I get defensive sometimes and maybe I come across as uncaring. I don't know. Maybe I did that on Saturday.

 

I do feel distrust in others who may have been talking about me. I guess I was just oblivious before thinking everything was fine. Duh. Anyway, I don't dislike them, but I don't necessarily trust them anymore. I'm okay with it. I would rather know, than not know and don't care what people think. I don't have a lot of free time, so I would rather invest it in people who believe in me and don't question everything I do... or if they do, they ask me about it instead of making comments to others.

 

However, for you, I don't care if you talk to people about me to help you figure out stuff. It's just a different situation. I just hope when you question things you come to me too.

"

 

My response..."Yes sometimes you do come across as uncaring, but I have taken in consideration the fact that you are hurting yourself and maybe you need to protect yourself. I noticed that you had a hard time with eye contact, (eyes wandering around the room. playing with kitties, ect) while I was talking about some emotional/feelings stuff. I probably do the same thing.

 

I'm not sure what it is that I would be questioning about you. I talked to you about the "using" thing and realize that is just me being super cautious/insecure/paranoid b/c of A. Like you I am just being careful. As a matter of fact I have figured some things out. When it comes to "dating"/relationships/you", I do know that I want a partner with the same qualities as you. I know from what you have said to me in the past that it will never happen, which disheartens me and makes me very sad. I want the same connection/emotional bond that I think/thought was there for you too. However I know I am not ready for any of that right now. It's very confusing & hurtful b/c my heart is there, I just cannot give it b/c I have not perfected myself enough. I really do not want to say anything inappropriate to you like J does. I do not want you to get angry with me b/c of any of this or feel you are walking on egg-shells around me.

 

I do care about your, and hope someday we can cuddle again. I really enjoyed that. That's all I want from anyone right now. Is the emotional/cuddle stuff, nothing more."

 

 

Her response. "anyway, i read what you wrote and i do take it as a compliment. I'm sorry I come across as uncaring, i don't mean it. it's just me trying to protect/distance myself. we had some rough times and i wish we didn't. i think in time it will be like it was between us. i think we do quite well living together overall. i am enjoying it :-) "

 

 

Hope I am of help to you curiousity. I do care about her, and do not want to cause her anymore hurt.

[avoj]

After having time to process everything that we spoke about I realize that my situation is not like yours at all curiousity. I mean she is thinking differently and there really is nothing there.

 

For instance she told me that she is very close emotionally with all her friends. That she has had "sex for fun" with a friend once and that's all it was. She did like her friend, but her friend didn't want her for anything else but sex and she agreed with that. So all the sex was for her with me was for fun and nothing more.

 

I asked her about some of the stuff she said. She said did she say that stuff after she ended her last relationship. Everything she said meant nothing.

 

The first night we hooked up, she was making out with two of our other friends and apparently I asked her to give me some too. So she did, but it meant nothing.

 

She said when she drinks she gets "loose" and would get in on with anyone when she gets drunk.

 

Apparently I am not the only friend she has done stuff with. She has a long past and I was just another story to add to her list.

 

It hurts. It's beyond me how someone can think the way she does. I just can't comprehend people like that. I guess I was in a relationship (7-years) too long and never really dated, just got into relationships. Though the 7-year relatinship was my first LTR. So maybe I am blind to the ways of the world. Or maybe everyone else is messed up and I want something normal.

 

And she told me I read into everything she said or did. That's why she doesn't do any physical intimate stuff with me anymore (cuddle) b/c she doesn't want to confuse me or the situation. (Her therapist told her not to cuddle or hug anyone around me, since she isn't going to do that with me anymore so I am not like huh??) That upset me and made me feel really stupid and i felt like a loser or psycho or something. I was upset she told a friend of hers about it (who knows everyone in the community) and you know how people talk.

 

I am very very hurt. I feel like crap. Like I am not worthy and I do not know what to do. How can I stop myself from wanting her? I know that it will never happen b/c she made it very very clear that what happened is something she seems to do all of the time. Its like my instincts were all off. I mean I really thought she wanted more with me back. I misread everything. I feel like a big loser, psychotic ass and do not believe in relationships or connecting with someone b/c I am always wrong. I've been wrong for the last 6 months.

 

At what point does a person mature emotionally? All I want to do is run very far away from this place, her, the community (which by the way is very small and messed up like her)

 

The other thing that really boggles my mind is the fact that we know of a friend who slept with their good friend twice. Friend #1 liked her friend, but the friend didn't like her back. So my friend says oh I feel bad for so and so b/c N hurt her. All I can think is what about me? Do you not feel bad for hurting me? Do you not know how hurt I am? I don't understand. I really do not understand. It's as if my feelings/emotions do not count. That I am wrong about everything that happened. It hurts more when I hear her tell me about what she wants in a partner, or who she wants, ect. It's sad b/c I am those things she picks out and she is what I wanted.

 

I know it's time to move on. I am really trying hard to do that, though my heart is squished and I feel really worthless as a human being.

[lighthouse]

Curiosity -

I got goose bumps when I read your story. This is NOT a good situation and I really am PLEADING with you to re-consider moving in with him. I was in a situation like this quite a few years ago. He told me that "it didn't matter what I did because we would be together." When I couldn't take it and got away from him he totalled his car purposely hoping that I would drive him around.

 

When people tell you "we will be together, forever, no matter what" and it scares you there is a reason. It is supposed to scare you. He is scary.

 

I have been there and I remember the showing up where I was, coming to my house and parking on the street and watching. He was put in jail for something else - which he told everyone was my fault because, guess what, he stole a car because "he wrecked his car for me and he needed a car to find out where I was."

 

This "relationship" that I am talking about was in 1994. Guess what? He still calls me at least once a year - particularly on New Years Eve. I dated a great guy for 6 years and the stalker guy saw us together and the look in his eyes terrified me.

 

He has threatened to hurt me and my family - and this was 12 years ago and he is still obsessed.

PLEASE think about this. Do you want to deal with this for the next 12 years?

This guy is telling you that he is a creep without saying the words.

There is a movie with Tori Spelling in it called "Mother may I sleep with danger."

Watch it. Then Run, do not walk, do not pass go, do not collect $200 RUN.

LH

[directx]

Don't move in! What are you, nuts?

Is it so bad to live seperately and date?

You think this guy is clingy now?

What until you try to leave.

[Almost]

YHe is really really pushing to move, and soon, so we are working on that for now, checking out apartments, calling around, that type of thing. He knows that we are moving together as friends and nothing more, and he says he is fine with that.

 

So you are not sure you really want to date this guy and have a serious relationship with him, but you're ready to move in with him????

 

Not a good idea. You need to live on your own in your own apartment, or in a house with other women friends you trust.

 

You have nothing to gain by living with this guy prematurely, and everything to lose.

 

Don't move in with any guy until you have been together in a serious relationship for a while and you are sure you are ready to get engaged and going to get married.

[curiosity]

Yes, even I was having reservations about living with him, thats why I pushed the move date back. He just has an extremely persuasive way about him. Directx, you have been against this from the get go, and I must say, I am starting to have doubts too.

 

I just thought my doubts were because I had issues with men, and thinking maybe I was too severe, too strict and repressed, and closed off, that it was MY issues, not his.....

 

Lighthouse, 12 years!! What a nitemare! Him stealing a car because he decided to wreck his own car over you, and then blaming everything on you!! What a warped twisted mind.....

 

The newest thing was him calling me today and then showing up where I was......this time I DIDNT tell him where I was. That was kind of cool, and a little weird....sort of like esp or magic! In a way, I guess. Or maybe he could just determine it by backround noises or process of elimination. He doesnt know how he knew either....he thinks it might be because of our connection to each other.

[lighthouse]

The newest thing was him calling me today and then showing up where I was......this time I DIDNT tell him where I was. That was kind of cool, and a little weird....sort of like esp or magic! In a way, I guess. Or maybe he could just determine it by backround noises or process of elimination. He doesnt know how he knew either....he thinks it might be because of our connection to each other

 

It is called stalking and I have been there. Chances are he went to every place that he knew that you have ever hung out and waited for you to show up.

Connection my foot! Have you ever thought about getting a restraining order?

LH

[directx]

Sorry to sound so preachy, but I told you this guy had stalker tendecies.

What if he saw you with a strange guy? Guarantee his first question would be 'Who's that?', and not asked in a nice way.

 

Put the brakes on this now. In fact, mention how you don't want to move in just now. I doubt he will settle for anything less.

 

Look, this guy is not right. Im being 100% honest here. Everything I predicted about him is coming true.

 

Find ONE person, here or in real life that thinks this guy is 'ok'. Just ONE

[curiosity]

Wow...so much has happened since my last post...

 

Listen to this.....I went out on a semi date with him and I decided to test him a little, and so as we were sitting there, talking, a guy makes eye contact with me....it is the perfect opportunity to test boundaries, and see if he will react out of control or not...so I say, "wow, he was pretty cute, and he looks interested, maybe I should talk with him" and in a blink of an eye, he grabbed my arm, and gave me this glare that said "I better not even think of it"...he also said something to the effect of "oh yeah, try it" it happened so fast, and he was back to himself after a few seconds......I asked him what that was all about and he said he was "joking" with me....ermm, I would believe this, but the problem is, the force and speed with how he grabbed my arm didnt seem like a joke...there was NO hesitation, it happened so fast..

 

Second thing... We were standing up and this guy kept walking by, checking me out, I noticed, but didnt react, just ignored it. I started laughing at a lady that was close to us, because she seemed so happy and full of energy and was laughing so hard she made me laugh......he was immediately all over me...asking me why I was laughing, what I was laughing about, indicating that I was chuckling because that guy was checking me out....once I told him why, he was laughing too.

 

A little later on, I told him "I think you have a crush on me" but I was joking around with him, trying to be playful....and his reaction was both hurtful and odd...

 

He said: "Yes, you just now figured that out??? Just right now??? You mean, you didnt know?? and then what he said next made me feel hurt but I dont know why...he said: "What, does that make you feel like your some special beautiful woman or something, like "he likes me because I am so beautiful"........

 

I dont know why that hurt so much, maybe because of the way he said it, it was mocking, and mean spirited...and vaguely intimidating though I couldnt say why....

 

so I said, no, its not that at all, I was just playing with you. He kept pushing it, asking if I think he likes me, and I said, "i guess" and I then told him (because I was feeling very uncomfortable) I didnt want to talk about it...and I grabbed my soda and started drinking it.....He (very nicely) took the soda back from me and put it on his side of the table out of reach from me and told me that, no, we are going to talk about it right now...

 

There was more, but I think you guys have enough to go on.....what does this say to you, if it says anything at all????

[lighthouse]

runrunrunrunrunrunrunrunrunrun!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!