He's Obsessed or I'm Repressed.....

[Almost]

....I went out on a semi date with him and I decided to test him a little,

 

Why???

 

I think you are getting off on this guy and the way he is obsessed with you. You're pushing his buttons and trying to get him to react, because you find it flattering in an unhealthy way. You're just torturing him and making it more likely that eventually he will flip out.

 

Why don't you just stop seeing him, stop testing him, stop "semi-dating" him.

 

Everyone here thinks this guy is a little too controling and obsessed and needs to tone it down. At minimum, you should tell him that. But really you should just stop interacting with him, and stop enabling his obsession and move on to other guys.

 

I find your behavior in this relationship just as bad as the guy's to tell you the truth.

 

[curiosity]

Excuse me, Almost, but there are big parts of this friendship that I am leaving out. So I will fill it in.

 

stop testing him

 

I was going off the advise that was given to me here, to test him a little. Besides, we are just friends, he is well aware of this, I mention it enough and he says that he "gets it", and that he is "fine with it". Obviously, he is not that fine with it, as he demonstrated.

 

It didnt start out as a semi-date. I say that afterwards because looking back, it really was a date, but one I didnt agree to. I was at my house, relaxing and he called (after i just saw him 30 minutes ago) and told me to get up and get dressed and lets go out to eat. I refused at first, telling him that I was tired, and I had a little work around the house, (because I am trying to not accept anything from him that might be considered approval) But, he would not take no for an answer, even stating that if I didnt get up and get going, he was going to sit in my driveway and beep his horn until I accepted..(he would DEFINATELY do something like this)

It sounded casual enough, I was hungry, so was he. I was expecting maybe burger king or dennys, instead I was told to "keep quiet" when I asked where to. I wasnt aware it was going to be a rather expensive and romantic restaurant until the last minute. In fact, I tried to talk him out of it, but he isnt the type to budge.

 

At minimum, you should tell him that.

 

He is well aware that his actions as of late have scared me. He knows that I am becoming concerned. I have already covered that base with him. All he told me was "you have nothing to be afraid of".

 

and move on to other guys.

 

If I was in that stage to "move on" it would be with him. I am not in the dating phase, I am just living my life right now, working, and trying to figure out what I want to do in my life.

 

I believe I have already mentioned that I like him. ALOT. As in, I might even have love for him that could develop into a serious hot romantic passionate love. I am just not ready for a relationship right now. I am not strong enough, too many past hurts and baggage that I havent come to terms with, that I dont wish to inflict on anyone especially him.

 

What is so hard to understand about that???? I came on here initially, because I was having conflicting feelings. I felt connected emotionally to him, and I told everyone I could see myself falling in love with him, but I am playing it safe. I HAVE FEELINGS FOR HIM. STRONG FEELINGS. I am trying to figure out if he is a safe choice for me to go ahead and get involved with, or not. That is why I came here.

 

Its not as if he is just a creepy friend that I dont return the attraction to. This is a 2 way thing. I am just being cautious. I have been recieving conflicting advice, and my head is kinda screwed from the past, so I am not sure if his actions seem creepy or he is just in love.

 

You're just torturing him and making it more likely that eventually he will flip out.

 

No, I am not torturing him in the very least. I am merely taking things slow, and maybe he is not used to that.

 

I think you are getting off on this guy and the way he is obsessed with you. You're pushing his buttons and trying to get him to react, because you find it flattering in an unhealthy way

 

What do you take me for, a sicko? Not only do I have serious feelings for him, he is my friend, too. I would never, ever deliberately hurt him just to "get off" on him.

 

Why???

 

Why not?? He is my friend, why not go out to eat with him?

 

Look, he is very persuasive on top of everything else. If I say no, he keeps pushing until its a yes. He blackmails me slightly. Maybe he just knows what he wants and wont back down until he gets it. Many people are like that when it comes to money and jobs and everything else. Why not about love?? Maybe he just has more determination and drive than most.

[Almost]

But, he would not take no for an answer, even stating that if I didnt get up and get going, he was going to sit in my driveway and beep his horn until I accepted..(he would DEFINATELY do something like this)

 

So what?? Let him do that. Call his bluff. If he really follows through with it, call the police and have them deal with him for disturbing the peace.

 

Don't let these little blackmails force you into doing something. He can't really force you to do anything. If you give in, that's your fault. You're enabling him by giving in and letting him get away with blackmailing you.

 

He is well aware that his actions as of late have scared me. He knows that I am becoming concerned. I have already covered that base with him. All he told me was "you have nothing to be afraid of".

 

That's B.S. If he really got it, he would stop doing it. His actions are speaking louder than his words.

 

If I was in that stage to "move on" it would be with him. I am not in the dating phase, I am just living my life right now, working, and trying to figure out what I want to do in my life.

 

I believe I have already mentioned that I like him. ALOT. As in, I might even have love for him that could develop into a serious hot romantic passionate love. I am just not ready for a relationship right now.

 

These feelings you have for him are unhealthy. You really shouldn't be feeling this way towards a guy who treats you this way and behaves this way.

 

That is why I said, "I think you are getting off on this guy and the way he is obsessed with you. You're pushing his buttons and trying to get him to react, because you find it flattering in an unhealthy way."

 

I came on here initially, because I was having conflicting feelings. I felt connected emotionally to him, and I told everyone I could see myself falling in love with him, but I am playing it safe. I HAVE FEELINGS FOR HIM. STRONG FEELINGS. I am trying to figure out if he is a safe choice for me to go ahead and get involved with, or not. That is why I came here.

 

Here's your answer: No, he's not a safe choice for you. The feelings you have for him are unhealthy. You shouldn't be having these kinds of feelings for guys like this.

 

Its not as if he is just a creepy friend that I dont return the attraction to. This is a 2 way thing. I am just being cautious. I have been recieving conflicting advice, and my head is kinda screwed from the past, so I am not sure if his actions seem creepy or he is just in love.

 

His actions are definately creepy. And so are yours.

 

He may think he is in love, and you may think you are in love with him. But in reality, you two are in an unhealthy relationship. So even if one or both of you feel like you are or might be in love, you're not. You're both in an unhealthy, creepy relationship.

 

What do you take me for, a sicko? Not only do I have serious feelings for him, he is my friend, too. I would never, ever deliberately hurt him just to "get off" on him.

 

I never said you were doing anything to hurt him deliberately. I'm saying you're doing it without realizing it in a non-deliberate way.

 

Look, he is very persuasive on top of everything else. If I say no, he keeps pushing until its a yes. He blackmails me slightly. Maybe he just knows what he wants and wont back down until he gets it. Many people are like that when it comes to money and jobs and everything else. Why not about love?? Maybe he just has more determination and drive than most.

 

This is what you are getting off on. You like how he scares you because it's thrilling to you and it makes him seem manly. He's being very controlling and aggressive and acting like the proverbial cave man, throwing his woman over his shoulder and carrying her off. You love it.

 

Either admit it and stop complaining and jump into bed with him, or stop complaining and stop seeing him and enabling him. But please, don't complain about him while you secretly love the way he treats you.

[curiosity]

Okay Almost.

You are certainly entitled to your opinions as am I. However, my opinions happen to be closer to the truth because I am living in this situation.

 

If he really follows through with it, call the police and have them deal with him for disturbing the peace.

 

I didnt want to turn our friendship into something ugly and call the police because I thought there might be better methods to clearing this up besides just getting the law involved. I am not trying to ruin him and give him a record. I am trying to understand him, and see if we have a connection that could work. Calling the cops on a good friend because he was blaring the horn doesnt seem like the punishment fitting the crime.

 

You're enabling him by giving in and letting him get away with blackmailing you.

 

I agree with you on this point. I could see how I am enabling him, but honestly, I am the type of person that tries to keep the peace at all costs usually. I do recognize this as a character defect within myself, and I have been trying to assert myself more.

 

These feelings you have for him are unhealthy. You really shouldn't be feeling this way towards a guy who treats you this way and behaves this way.

 

Well, naturally, he didnt start out this way, this sort of developed over time. If we were in week 2 of this friendship, and he was pulling these tactics, I would of pulled out of it altogether. But with time, feelings started to develop and recently he was behaving like this. So my feelings, I think, were perfectly normal until he switched his behaviour suddenly. I was trying to adjust to the situation until something told me things werent quite right and I did an internet search on advise and found LS.

He may think he is in love, and you may think you are in love with him. But in reality, you two are in an unhealthy relationship.

 

My point is that it didnt start out as an "unhealthy relationship". By all outter appearances, it seemed normal enough, at least from my perspective as well as those around me. As I mentioned before, things didnt start to become hairy until recently.

 

This is what you are getting off on. You like how he scares you because it's thrilling to you and it makes him seem manly. He's being very controlling and aggressive and

 

Now hold on a minute...When I said that maybe he was a determined man that doesnt back down, I was looking at that from an outside perspective. I didnt say that those particular actions turned me on, or I liked how he scared me. He didnt exhibit any of these behaviours UNTIL recently, and UNTIL recently I was developing these romantic feelings for him. Obviously, the romantic feelings were already in place BEFORE he started behaving in this manner. Him behaving in this manner was what prompted me to seek advise here, on LS which I mentioned before, so obviously something inside of me didnt like this behaviour, and thought that perhaps it was a little abnormal.

 

But please, don't complain about him while you secretly love the way he treats you.

 

Yes, I secretly love it... ...Maybe YOU secretly love it, perhaps that is how you came to that rather sick conclusion. After all, if this theory of yours was true, then I would have to say that it takes one to know one.

 

Furthermore, I am well within my rights to complain about what I so choose. As you are entitled to quit reading at any point.

 

 

I do recognize that I have a problem with asserting myself, and that might be part of it. I try to blend into the wall most of the time. I think I am easily intimidated by men, in general, and that was why I was so attracted to him at first. He wasnt an intimidating person in any way whatsoever, and he seemed just like me, shy and unobtrusive and gentle and well....normal. I really liked him, and warmed up to him fast, because of his gentle, easygoing, no pressure nature.

 

I guess then, the real question is, what made him change into this type of person when he wasnt even close to being that type of person at first? And can he change back into the person he was?

[Almost]

I guess then, the real question is, what made him change into this type of person when he wasnt even close to being that type of person at first? And can he change back into the person he was?

 

Well, that's interesting. I was under the impression he was acting like this from the get go.

 

So he was fine and normal at first, and then recently he started acting obsessive and aggressive.

 

Maybe he just got impatient with your equivocations and decided that what you needed was for him to be a man and try to take charge of the relationship.

 

So how long were you going out together before his behavior changed? Can you think of anything at all that happened or was said that might have something to do with him changing his behavior?

 

On the other hand, maybe this is just his M.O. with all women.

 

I do recognize that I have a problem with asserting myself, and that might be part of it.

 

In terms of dealing with him now at this point, when he is blackmailing you and behaving badly, yes certainly. You're cutting him way too much slack right now.

[curiosity]

Maybe he just got impatient with your equivocations and decided that what you needed was for him to be a man and try to take charge of the relationship.

 

Possibly, but things were going so well beforehand. We were just taking things slow and enjoying each others company. Now everything is weird and tense most of the time. I cannot see why he would get the impression that I needed him to change and even if I was being a bit vague I think it is to be expected at first when one is not sure what they want to do.

 

 

So how long were you going out together before his behavior changed? Can you think of anything at all that happened or was said that might have something to do with him changing his behavior?

 

We were never "going out". We were just close friends. We have been for 6 months. Very recently, (within the past month) things became hairy. Honestly, I cannot think of one thing that would change him like this. He first confessed to liking me around 2 months ago. I thought he was kidding at first but he assured me he wasnt. THings were fine for awhile, but then within this past month, he started becoming this way. Which I wasnt sure if this was how someone who feels the way he feels acts, or what, but it was confusing, and thats why I came for advise.

 

On the other hand, maybe this is just his M.O. with all women.

 

Possibly, although it is a shame because I dont know anyone he ever was with so I dont have a reference point.

 

Most recently, he has been blowing hot and cold with me. One minute he has these strong reactions, and the next, he is silent and withdrawn and kinda sullen with me. Sometimes he pushes for things, and then other times he doesnt. This is another reason I am partially denying in my mind that he is obsessive. He will be like that for 4 out of 7 days and the other 3 days he is fine and relaxed. I dont get it.

[Almost]

Possibly, but things were going so well beforehand. We were just taking things slow and enjoying each others company. Now everything is weird and tense most of the time. I cannot see why he would get the impression that I needed him to change and even if I was being a bit vague I think it is to be expected at first when one is not sure what they want to do.

 

 

He first confessed to liking me around 2 months ago. I thought he was kidding at first but he assured me he wasnt. THings were fine for awhile, but then within this past month, he started becoming this way. Which I wasnt sure if this was how someone who feels the way he feels acts, or what, but it was confusing, and thats why I came for advise.

 

So there was about a month between when he first told you he really liked you, and before he started acting more aggressive and obsessive.

 

Can you remember what happened the first day he started acting more aggressive?

 

How about the day before? Any discussions you guys had?

 

I think he's just frustrated with you that you don't know what you want. He tried the best he could, but you keep wanting more time.

 

How will you know when you are sure you like him and want to be with him, or if you want to let him go? Are you just waiting to get some kind of vauge feeling within you, or are you looking for him to do or say something?

 

My guess is that you don't know what you want, and there's nothing that could happen that would give you this undefined feeling that you are waiting for. If you don't know what you want, you can be assured that you're not going to get it.

 

At this point, I think it would be best for both of you if you stopped seeing and hanging out with each other for at least one month. Just say you think you both need some space to figure things out, and that the two of you shouldn't talk, see, or write each other for a full month. No meetings, no phone conversations, no email, nothing for one month. Then meet him for lunch or something after one month and see what happens. Make a date with him right now to meet you somewhere at sometime on October 21st. Then no communication whatsoever between you two until you meet him there that day. No rescheduling for an earlier date. Only a later date if absolutely necessary. Then report back here how what, if anything, has changed.