Needing Advice

[Joe]

I just got back today after visiting my girlfriend since Friday. She lives about 6 hours away so I drove up there Friday and we saw each other every day.

 

Well I came back today, as planned, and before she went home last night from my motel room she said to call her and she'd come over before I left. I was planning on leaving at 10 AM so I was to call her at 8 AM mainly to say our goodbyes.

 

Well the night wore on and there I am laying in bed at 3:30 AM not even near being tired. Couldn't sleep, not tired at all. The though began to enter my head "6 hour drive is to far to drive while tired".

 

So I sat there thinking well maybe I should go ahead and leave that way A) I won't end up falling asleep at like 5 AM and end up sleeping till noon (if I had done that I would of had to pay for another night in the motel cause checkout is at 11 AM) or B) don't end up driving 6 hours across the state tired risking falling asleep or both A) and B).

 

So after 30 minutes of laying in bed I decided to do that, I thought what the heck I've been there 3 days and I knew that yeah it sucks to leave without seeing her one last time but we talk all the time on MSN so I thought she would at least understand and be ok with it.

 

So the more I drive home, the worse I feel for leaving like that. I get home, and get on my computer to check e-mail and she messages me and, even though while I was half asleep by this time, I told her I left cause I couldn't sleep. I didn't get much into details, just that I couldn't sleep.

 

I talked to one of her friends later this afternoon who stayed the night with her last night and I guess my girlfriend said that "guys suck and couldn't believe I went back without saying goodbye". I know she is upset, but she's not admitting it.

 

Right now I feel horrible, it was an a**h*** thing of me to do and there's no way I can make up for it. The feeling is the worst, I don't know what to say to her and I feel so bad.

 

Any advice? this really sucks.

[Laurynn]

I don't think what you did was that wrong. A 6 hr drive back home is a long one, and you weighed the pros and cons to leaving then, while you were lying awake anyway, or waiting til you'd originally planned. It's not like you could have called her up at 3:30am and told her that you were wide awake, and figured you might as well just leave then, right?

 

She's probably just hurt thinking there was some 'other reason' you left like that...like that maybe you didn't want to say goodbye to her/see her......or that you're no longer interested in her, something to that affect.

 

I'd say, just reassure her that your leaving when you did had nothing at all to do with her......explain it to her like you did here. Talk to her about it though, get it out in the open ASAP......don't let days go by, as she'll be fretting and stewing about it and thinking/fearing the worst.

 

I'd say it was nice of you to have made such a long trip to see her, and spend the weekend. 6 hours is a very long drive and you just did what you felt was right for you.

 

Hope that helps some

 

L

[Tony T]

The only mistake you made was getting on your computer before you called her on the phone to let her know what happened to you. You should have called her from the road about 8a.m. to let her know what you had done and why...that would have been it.

 

That being said, if your girlfriend is not going to be understanding and forgive this very minor transgression in a mature, adult way...I think you can find another girlfriend who would do so under the circumstances.

 

Try to do better next time on the communication side. But you had every right to leave early when you couldn't sleep and she is pretty nuts to upset herself over this.

 

You do have to understand how startled she was to see you on your computer later in the day after not having heard from you. I still don't think this should be made into a major deal and, again, if she doesn't accept your explanation and forgive you forthwith...she's got a serious problem.

 

I think it takes crazy people to hang onto things that upset them.

[Joe]

I told you earlier this week about my 6 hour trip, leaving early, not saying goodbye to my girlfriend and yada yada. Well ok, anyway I tell her the reason I left and assured her that I left because of the long drive and leaving had nothing to do with her what-so-ever.

 

I did suck in my pride and apologized to her for the lack of communication and not calling her like I should have done at 8 AM to tell her. She deserved an apology for my lack of communication.

 

Well since that all happened, I don't know, she's been acting different as if she's upset or something. We use to talk all the time on MSN now she hardly ever comes on, talking to her feels awkward now cause I don't know how she feels or anything.

 

What should I do? I don't wanna beat a dead horse, my god it happened days ago, but I just find it odd that she isn't on MSN anymore or when she is there isn't much communication. Advice?

[Tony T]

When some women are hurt, they don't just forgive very quickly. Some never do. She's probably getting all kinds of advice and theories about why you did what you did from girlfriends that has been upsetting her.

 

When you wrong a female like this, you always need to be prepared to be cut off for a while or even cut out. Her behavior now is not unusual.

 

If she doesn't get back to normal in a reasonable amount of time, you will surely know that she is not very understanding, not very forgiving, and then you can consider if this is a person you want in your life.

 

You have apologized and there's nothing more that you can do.

[Joe]

Kewl, thanks for the advice. I thought about just flat out asking her you know, what's up and try to get her to tell me what her deal is but I almost think that would be somewhat of a bad idea.... or is it?

 

You're right, I've done my part and I admitted my wrong of not communicating with her but I also explained exactly what the situation is and I apologize and took fault for not calling her.

 

I just wish women could be more out spoken and tell me if something is wrong. Guess that's why we don't understand women

[Tony T]

YOU WRITE: "I just wish women could be more out spoken and tell me if something is wrong."

 

That's exactly what she's doing...in her own way.

 

And asking her what's up is NOT a good idea. We already know what the problem is. She just enjoys being upset and doesn't forgive readily.

[Joe]

Didn't think asking her would be a good idea, while she doesn't admit that anything is wrong I can assume by her attitude what is wrong and why.

 

Sooner or later she will forgive and forget and move on, if not then it's her loss.

 

Thanks Tony!

[Joe]

Ok here's the thing. I don't know if she is mad or perhaps she just having a busy week, what I meant by asking her is asking her if she is upset and find out or if she just having a busy week and therefore not having the time to get on MSN.

 

I'm just assuming by her absence that she is upset, but I don't know that's all I meant by asking her what's up is just to find out, and try to put my mind at ease, if she is indeed upset or not.

 

You still think this would be a bad idea?

[yes]

Just stay cool.

 

If she had a busy week, she coulda told u so. See how she acts next week...

 

My geenral rule is not to ask how a person feels unless it's absolutely impossible to judge from their actions... b/c words r ok, but actions speak MUCH louder...

 

Thats my opinion

Ok here's the thing. I don't know if she is mad or perhaps she just having a busy week, what I meant by asking her is asking her if she is upset and find out or if she just having a busy week and therefore not having the time to get on MSN. I'm just assuming by her absence that she is upset, but I don't know that's all I meant by asking her what's up is just to find out, and try to put my mind at ease, if she is indeed upset or not. You still think this would be a bad idea?

[Ed]

I think living 6 hours away from a girlfriend is a bad idea!

 

If you are relying on communication through MSN to make this relationship work, you are in a whole lot of trouble. Conversations that take place electronically leave much to be desired.

 

The best you can do is apologize, if you think you did something you need to apologize for. If she won't accept your apology, there is nothing you can do about it.

 

It's hard enough to make things work with someone in your own town, much less someone who lives over 300 miles (482km) away!

 

Give yourself a break. Everybody screws up sometimes. If your partner can't or won't accept that AND get over it, well, you best be looking for another partner.

[Joe]

Well the other night I posted about talking to my girlfriend about what was up and all. Let me just say, from the previous post, that she actually lives here in town but goes back west 6 hours away for school for the fall then comes back.

 

Well, her friend came on MSN and her (my girlfriend's friend) was talking and I just asked her if she had talked to my girlfriend. She said yeah, and I asked if something was wrong with her.

 

Her friend proceeded to tell me "i know what's wrong but I can't tell you because I promised not to and nothing you say can make me".. well this upsets me for the fact I'm being lied to and something about me was being kept from me. Dishonesty was taking place and I hate, in fact dishonesty pisses me off.

 

I admit, I went overboard here but I became pissed and I kinda went off and so on. Well my girlfriend came on and I talked to her and I told her I want nothing but honesty, that regardless of what I wanted nothing but the truth. I asked her what was wrong with her and why she had been the way she was.

 

She started denying that anything was wrong but, which was wrong on my part I know and I feel bad, I posted what her friend told me and I was like "what the does that mean". She said she had no idea what her friend was talking about, and I became pissed.

 

Well we got into a fight. Well then it was said that what her friend said had nothing to do with me, and her friend then told me it was about her and not my girlfriend and I. I don't buy it. A). Why would her friend tell me that knowing exactly how that sounded when if it was about her it had no relevance to my girlfriend and I and B). Why does she now change it?

 

So the next night my girlfriend and I got into it again and she proceeds to tell me that she still loves me, that the long distances isn't working out like she planned, she still wants to be with me.. but.. she wants to break up for now. She said there is nobody else for her, but she just wants to wait till she comes back.

 

Well, we're still fighting and I don't know what to do. She's mad at whatever and I can't get her to talk. What can I do?

[Joe]

I'm not an a**hole, seriously I'm a very nice guy and my best friend (a her, also my ex from 6 years ago) of 7 years says I'm unlike any other guy. I hate fighting, this is the only fight I been in with anyone in years and I can get along with anyone. This is why it's bothering me so much is I hate fighting and want it to end, I think there's more to her but I don't know.

[Tony T]

If she wants to break up, you need to do that. Once that seed is planted, it's hard to kill off.

 

You obviously don't trust her because you believe her girlfriend more than you believe her. She has said there is nothing wrong that she hasn't discussed with you and you don't believe her. That is outright distrust and not healthy in a relationship.

 

You also get pissed very easily. You might get more out of life just by having normal discussions. If you don't believe somebody is leveling with you, just get out of their life and avoid them. Getting pissed only makes them clam up a lot more.

 

If you want to get honesty from people, you have to create an environment in which honesty is rewarded positively. You admit you fly off the handly pretty easily so most people would be very hesitant about telling you anything that could piss you off. People just don't like to set other people off like that.

 

If you are going to have an honest relationship with anybody, you're going to have to calm your anger and make it easy for people to open up and be frank with you.

 

If you're going to have a relationship with this lady, you're going to have to believe her and not her girlfriend and you are going to have to let her go for now as she wishes. Why in heaven's name would you want a female around who has said she wants to split and for whom you have no trust?

[Tony T]

Fighting is a decision...if you hate fighting, don't do it.

[midori]

You know what Joe, I think that you might just want to call it quits with this one. Long distance relationships are very difficult to maintain (believe me I know, having been in one with a ten hour flight separating us rather than a six hour drive), and unless the circumstances are special I'm willing to bet that in the long run it's not going to be worth the effort. Generally speaking it's difficult to get to know someone the way one needs to in order to have a fulfilling, trusting & emotionally intimate relationship when that process is complicated by distance. You're simply not a part of each other's daily lives; being a virtual part, whether via email, IMing or telephone just isn't going to be enough. Sure it can be done, but without a solid foundation of trust, intimacy, sympathy & emotional generosity, it's going to be very difficult. In short I think that distance is something that can be handled only if you're already certain about each other and the relationship. And even then it can wear down a once-solid tie. I'm sure there are lots of people who form initial connections over the internet and across distances, but at some point they have to make a choice: make the relationship real rather than virtual, or admit that it's not going to evolve into anything more than a romantic correspondence.

 

What are you getting out of this connection? Someone to IM, someone to fill the "girlfriend" slot in your mind? That's OK, but is it really satisfying? How about when your connection is causing you grief, like now? Things sound a little immature if your gf's friend is getting (inappropriately) involved. Communication between you and your gf does not sound very good. Neither of you are "wrong" here, it just sounds like the situation isn't very fulfilling for either of you. Maybe it's better to just be friends after some time-out to move on?

 

I tend to be optimistic about love & relationships, but this just doesn't seem worth it to me. Maybe that's because I've had to admit defeat in the context of my own now-defunct long-distance relationship, but I do wonder if what you're getting out of the relationship warrants the time & emotional energy you're putting into it. Not to mention the fact that by tying yourself to a virtual relationship you're preventing yourself from finding a (local) real one.

 

Whatever you decide, good luck.

[Tony T]

YOU WRITE: "...someone to fill the "girlfriend" slot in your mind?"

 

Yes, a great idea!!! But getting that doll in the slot can be very difficult sometimes.

 

Girlfriend slot...a very interesting concept.

[midori]

Yes, a great idea!!! But getting that doll in the slot can be very difficult sometimes.

Well, I expect if you're using an inflatable doll (as is usually the case isn't it?) you could only partially fill her up and then you'd be able to slip her in there no problem.