Wondering ............

[shelby26]

Okay, so I am new to all this but I am really needing help in figuring out my problem. I have been married now for seven years (I am 26 w/two girls 6/2) and it seems that our marriage for some time has been going down hill and now I am not sure how I feel. In one sense I feel like I have given up but then on one hand not wanting it to end. We have gone through a rocky marriage 2 years ago my husband was in a fraternity and would get drunk and not be able to come home until he could sober up, this would happen on numerous occaisons, he would say he was obligated b/c he was a pledge that he would only be gone a few hours - turning into an over night deal. Well we had our second child and he gave that up. But since all that we have fought over stupid things that escalate into big things. He will when he gets mad say some very nasty things, just recently he told me that I was the one that made him give up all his friends and quit the fraternity. Needless to say it made me angry and upset. He doesn't approve of any of my friends, which granted; some of them are not without their problems but I am a big girl and am not going to subcumb to everything they do and no one is going to be perfect, but he doesnt approve so much that anytime I would want to go out it would turn into a huge fight and I wouldnt want to go and if I did I would get to were I would drink to much and be in such a horrible mood when I would get home and we would fight again. Baisically to me so many things have happened (I have not even mentioned everything) that at this point in my life I really don't know how I feel towards him. When I mention seperation he gets angry and says "why dont you just tell me you dont love me?" and thats not it, I feel so confused and alone and without anyone to talk to that I turned to this in hopes of maybe getting some advice. So ANY advice would be greatly appreciated.

[Ladyjane14]

Your ENs Emotional Needs are unfulfilled within the marriage. In order to be content with your relationship, there are things you need from your partner and things that he needs from you.

 

It sounds to me like your husband is a bit immature, and bucking the idea of settling down... as if it were somehow taking something away from him as an individual. In the process of protecting his autonomy, he's starving you of what you need to be happy with the marriage.

 

Try reading a copy of The Five Love Languages and/or His Needs/Her Needs with a thought towards developing an understanding of your ENs as well as your husband's. There's also a questionairre at marriagebuilders.com you can take. Reading through a copy of Love Busters: Overcoming the Habits That Destroy Romantic Love can help you improve communications as you're working through the marital problems.

[shelby26]

Thanks for your reply, just to give you an update, saturday he was suppose to go to his mothers and then he was going to be home sunday. Well saturday night I call his phone and no answer called his moms and she answered and said she didnt know he was coming and he wasnt there. So I thought it to be a little strange but thought well he left late he may not been able to get ahold of her. Well he gets home 20 minutes later (which is about 10:30pm) saying that he wanted to surprise me. Come to find out he had went by the fraternity to talk to some old friends. But he comes home mad at me saying he cant believe I called his mom, Its over he doesnt want to talk to me, it was weird. I asked him why he was so mad at me, all I did was call him to let him know his daughter got home safe from her trip and I was going to bed! He said his mother called him asking him why he told me that and why he didnt call her, the whole thing reminded of a bad episode of high school! Then the next day he continues how he cant talk to me b/c he is still upset, I just didnt get it, was I missing something there, did I do something wrong?

[Buttaflyy]

Thanks for your reply, just to give you an update, saturday he was suppose to go to his mothers and then he was going to be home sunday. Well saturday night I call his phone and no answer called his moms and she answered and said she didnt know he was coming and he wasnt there. So I thought it to be a little strange but thought well he left late he may not been able to get ahold of her. Well he gets home 20 minutes later (which is about 10:30pm) saying that he wanted to surprise me. Come to find out he had went by the fraternity to talk to some old friends. But he comes home mad at me saying he cant believe I called his mom, Its over he doesnt want to talk to me, it was weird. I asked him why he was so mad at me, all I did was call him to let him know his daughter got home safe from her trip and I was going to bed! He said his mother called him asking him why he told me that and why he didnt call her, the whole thing reminded of a bad episode of high school! Then the next day he continues how he cant talk to me b/c he is still upset, I just didnt get it, was I missing something there, did I do something wrong?

 

You did nothing wrong. Maybe Hubby has a guilty conscience. Or, maybe he thinks you were checking up on him and that you don't trust him. You guys need to decide whether you really want to be together, or not. I think you'll need help in doing so. A mediator, counseling, etc.

[shelby26]

Yeah, it seems though that when I mention that my husband is quick to say how it is expensive and we cant afford that right now. So we pretty much blow it off and dont say anymore about it.

[Buttaflyy]

Yeah, it seems though that when I mention that my husband is quick to say how it is expensive and we cant afford that right now. So we pretty much blow it off and dont say anymore about it.

 

Is there anyone that you both can talk to that could mediate? You guys need guidance.

[Ladyjane14]

Thanks for your reply, just to give you an update, saturday he was suppose to go to his mothers and then he was going to be home sunday. Well saturday night I call his phone and no answer called his moms and she answered and said she didnt know he was coming and he wasnt there. So I thought it to be a little strange but thought well he left late he may not been able to get ahold of her. Well he gets home 20 minutes later (which is about 10:30pm) saying that he wanted to surprise me. Come to find out he had went by the fraternity to talk to some old friends. But he comes home mad at me saying he cant believe I called his mom, Its over he doesnt want to talk to me, it was weird. I asked him why he was so mad at me, all I did was call him to let him know his daughter got home safe from her trip and I was going to bed! He said his mother called him asking him why he told me that and why he didnt call her, the whole thing reminded of a bad episode of high school! Then the next day he continues how he cant talk to me b/c he is still upset, I just didnt get it, was I missing something there, did I do something wrong?

 

So.... he went out. Wasn't where he said he was. Became inordinately defensive when his story was questioned. And then enraged that his business was "exposed" to his mother. (????)

 

Is this raising RED FLAGS for anyone else? .... or is it just me?

[Gunny376]

Walks like a duck, talks like a duck, acts like a duck. quacks like a duck, looks like a duck? My bet its Wacky's Duck third cousin twice removed fron Ontario!

 

You going to belive me or your own lying eyes?

 

Ray Charles or Stevie Wonder could see these train wreck un-folding! And they're or were blind!

[shelby26]

Okay, so yes I realize that something was shady with the whole way things went down, and yesterday he tried to act like everything was ok, I just don't get it, I couldn't ignore what had happened and him trying too only made things worse. I am confused and had asked to seperate, I need some time to think about things and we can't talk civil anymore so he is suppose to be going to stay with his mothers for the week. I don't know the whole thing is a mess.

[Roo]

I'm not sure wher eyou are but see if your local women's shelter has any support groups or free counseling, with two little girls at home to care for you need to get your head straight.

 

Honestly it sounds to me like you are both a little young and while you may be good parents sounds to me like you weren't really ready to give up your young social calendars, and you are both resenting eachohter a bit.

 

Get some books that were suggested from your local library (should be free) I'd add The Dance of anger or the Dance of Intimacy to your list (both by harriet lerner).

 

Do some reading, call the local women's center get your head into a solution and out of the problem..

 

(((HUGS)))) Im sorry for your predicament I'd be devastated... just look at your wonderful girls and use them as inspiration to find a solution, whtere that be with or without him.