wife had an affair

[Guest]

my wife had an affair 5 months into our marriage. It lasted for four months and they had sex about fifteen times. She was 21 and working in a bar. It happened after bar time and she says she was always drunk. We have a son and I was home with him. She wouldn't come home until 4 am. She would say she was at denny's with her friends after work. I truely trusted her. I found out a week ago. about 16 months after the affair ended.

 

We have talked very openly about it since then. I asked and received more details than I probably needed to know. I really love her. But how do I get that picture out of my head. Will the memory fade? A one night stand or even two sounds so much more appealing than a affair where the got to know each others bodies. I'm sure I want to work it out. I'd also love to get this sick feeling out of my stomach. I also see her differently during sex. My wife is extremely beautiful. Almost like I'm seeing what this OM was enjoying. Damn this sucks.

[Tony T]

It's doubtful you'll forget this and there's an ever greater risk that you will never trust her again. In my opinion, she has proven by her behavior that she can't be trusted. Clearly, the two of you got married much too early and she has not gotten all the wildness out of her system...and still hasn't most likely. Given the opportunity, she may very well pull this off again. Why should you have to expend the energy making sure she doesn't get into trouble.

 

You need to see a counsellor as soon as possible, both of you. And you need counselling alone if you are to regain a mindset that will get the marriage back on track. Right now, you are on a path of haunting yourself over her indiscretions for the rest of your life...and that's no way to spend your life and your marriage.

 

I don't care how pretty she is, being with her could be a living hell if you don't get this worked on quickly. And if you think she's pretty....haha...just think about all the other men who will work hard to worm their way into her pants...and obviously she doesn't not easily say NO!

[Bryanp]

I agree with Tony. He made really salient points. Your wife was screwing this guy 15 times at least after only 5 months into the marriage. You stayed home with your little son while she screws this guy after work and she blames it because she was drunk? You would have thought after the first time she would have felt very guilty. Clearly this was a choice she made to get drunk and screw this guy and put your health at risk for STD's. Her claim that she was always drunk seems like an excuse and she is not responsible. How do you think she would be feeling if the roles were reversed and you were screwing some hot babe at work and you tell her you only screwed her 15 times only because you were drunk?

 

I would think long and hard about this marriage. She has shown what kind of a person she is after only 5 months of marriage. Why did she get married to you? Clearly the wedding vows meant nothing. This was your honeymoon period. I do hope you have both been tested for STD's.

 

The only excuse she gave you for betraying you and your son was that she was drunk? Is she an alcholic? If she is then get a divorce right away. I think Tony has it right. The chances are great that your future will be a nightmare.

 

Why did she continue to cheat on you for 4 months and put your health at such risk? How did you find out. Is she truly remorseful or using being drunk her excuse? If she knew everytime she got drunk she screwed this guy then why did she continue drinking and screwing this guy? The answer is because she wanted to. Think long and hard about your future. If she can have a long term sexual affair so early in your marriage then the chances are good that this will be your future also. I would like to know if she has had a history of cheating in her relationships. My guess is that it is probably yes. Clearly she has no boundaries. I wish you luck because that is what you are going to need if you stay with her. It is funny how when a woman continues to cheat on you they no longer seem so beautiful.

[Jennifer26]

First off, you can move past this with time. But it is going to require a lot of work.

 

Is your wife still bartending? If so, I would strongly suggest she find another line of work. If I were you, I would make it a condition if you are to stay in the marriage and try to make things work.

 

She should also need to earn back your trust. You should not just forgive and forget. She should be accountable to you for her time, and you should freely be able to see what she is doing in all aspects of her life.This may means checking her cell phone, email, etc.

 

If she can't do this, and demands her privacy, I'd walk out. Right now there is zero reason for you to trust her, and she needs to earn that back by being completely upfront and open with you. You would have every right to feel suspicious, and want to know what she is doing. Of course, you can't keep on this path forever, but it would help to regain the trust that has been shattered by what she did.

 

You also both need to look closely at your marriage. I don't believe for a second she did this because she was "drunk." There was a reason behind it (not an excuse however) and the two of you need to work to figure out what that reason was, and figure out a way to work on whatever the issues are.

 

Good luck to you! I know couples who have experienced infidelity, and have come out better than before. It takes some time, and work though.

[Yamaha]

I really love her.

 

I'm sure I want to work it out.

 

She's counting on this. The question is, does she love you?

Having an affair after 5 months of marriage doesn't speak well for her commitment. The excuse of booze is just that, an excuse. Don't fall for it. She knew what she was doing because she did it 15 times. I don't know what she told you but it would be hard to believe she could do little more than beg your forgiveness.

 

Is she willing to go to counseling with you? If not, then you need to go yourself to understand that the fault is hers and you are not responsible.

 

I definitely would make her quit the bar job and you need to monitor her comings and goings until you are more comfortable with her. I can certainly understand the weirdness of sex. How is her response to sex?

 

If she is very comfortable than that is a very big red flag in my book.

[Guest]

Look...at 21 you guys are still kids playing grown up. This is what 21 yr old immature people do...they party,get drunk, and skrew. Look by the time your 31 your gonna look back and say we were young, stupid and careless. When your 41 your gonna look back at 31 and say,' boy I thought I had it all figured out.' My point is if you work it out, get over your trust issues, in years time, when you both grow up and realize you where not the same person and you made bad choices, including marriage and children clearly before you were ready.

 

Guest X