contacted ex after 11 years.

[Guest]

I'm not sure where to post this. I recently contacted an ex after 11 years and me moving away after we broke up. This was somebody that I loved with all my heart, but did not know how to show it . I was quite an emotional mess at the time and was not the best girlfriend. I decided after we broke up that I needed to change my life, and moved 1200 miles away. Occassionally I would see him when I visited home, it would always tear me apart, though. I finally told him that I was letting him go and stopped calling/returning his calls. After that I got my life together: I started a career, met someone, got married, had kids and have lived a very happy and stable life. Of course, I always thought about this person I cared very, very much for.

 

I decided though, that it was better off that we not be together. I love my husband and would not leave my life/marriage for the world. Flash on to two weeks ago. Out of curiosity, i stumbled upon his myspace page. Found out he lives 4 hours away. He had some problems, but it looks like he overcame them and i am happy he is doing well. I made the mistake of emailing him. I don't want to hookup or anything, just wanted to know how he was doing. I think seeing pictures of me happily married and with kids might have freaked him out. Or he hates me. either way, he never emailed me back and now I feel like a total idiot.

 

i think sometimes he goes to my myspace page, i don't mind if he does. I love my husband very, very much but there will always be a place for this person in my heart. Do you think i might have scared him? I will not be contacting him again-but I wonder if i did something wrong. I do hope he finds someone and is happy. i just was curious and now i feel very, very stupid.

[SwayLady]

I doubt very much that he will still hate you for whatever it is that you did. I personally would have thought that after 11 years, he is long past caring about what happened in the past. Time is a great healer and as time passes, wrongdoings that someone perhaps did to us long ago, become easier to live with, so I think we can count grudges out.

 

My guess is, is that he didn't mail back because you are married.

 

Some people do have morals and they choose to live by them.

[Nynetayls]

I have been struggling with this very thing myself. I posted a thread a short while back asking for opinions on whether or not I should contact my ex of ten years ago. I received replies that encouraged me to go through with it, but I still have not because I am afraid of invading her privacy.

 

Did you make a good decision? That's for you to answer. You must be honest with yourself about your motivations and what you expect in return. In these situations in particular, the contacting party is in no position to expect anything.

 

As for me, the only reason I desire to write to my ex is to seek forgiveness for my unconscionable acts of malice against her. I care not whether she ever knows anything of my station in life, nor do I want to hear the details of hers (unless she insists on telling me, which won't happen anyway). Would I like a response if I send the transmission? Sure, regardless of the content. But I will go into it fully anticipating that she will continue to ignore me for the rest of her days. C'est la vie.

 

Just for the record, I believe you acted appropriately. However, if a reply never comes, I would wait at least a year before trying again (if you still care to).

[SwayLady]

Can I ask you both something?

 

What do you think gives you the rights, to think that you can just go waltzing back into someones life after all of this time? What if these exes you are contacting, are still carrying a torch for you after all of this time......yes, they still might be!

 

Your emailing them could raise false hopes that you wish to reconcile and when the ex at the other end realises that you don't want to reconcile, then they will be left feeling hurt and rejected by you!!! Or won't you care about their feelings....so long as you get what you want out of it all.

 

The people of whose lives you are thinking of waltzing back into, may not want to hear from you. They could be happy, married and have children.

 

I've been through this experience of having an ex from long ago return and my view on this subject now is, LEAVE WELL ALONE!

[Brittanyjean06]

sweet lady, than when your ex contacted you...you must have been upset that he did? or happy and better off? Your giving advice on your own experience and your bitterness..

 

Life is too short to hold grudges or too simply not talk to someone for the rest of your life, it could bring alot of closure to those who are have kept it a burden on top of their backs.. Even after 11 years maybe the ex that she contacted felt relieved that this person is apologizing...

[Nynetayls]

"What if these exes you are contacting, are still carrying a torch for you after all of this time..."

 

Let me assure you that this is not the case. In fact, I view it as an impossibility in my situation. You've no idea of the magnitude of the wrath I visited upon my ex.

 

"The people of whose lives you are thinking of waltzing back into, may not want to hear from you. They could be happy, married and have children."

 

This is not lost on me. This is exactly what I was getting at in my previous post when I mentioned that I do not want to be an imposition.

 

"Life is too short to hold grudges or too simply not talk to someone for the rest of your life,"

 

So true. Never is a very, very long time.

[SwayLady]

sweet lady, than when your ex contacted you...you must have been upset that he did? or happy and better off? Your giving advice on your own experience and your bitterness..

 

Isn't that what these forums are for? For giving people the best advice based upon their own first hand experience of a situation? Whether they choose to take that advice or not, is entirely up to them.

 

I don't talk through bitterness either, I am not a bitter person and I don't hold grudges, hence is why I welcomed my ex back with open arms, even though he'd wronged me greatly in the past. I'd forgiven him long ago and for everything he did back then. Went really good actually, until I goofed up and am now left with 'what ifs' and 'if onlys', but what's done is done, no going back.

 

I'm just trying to warn these two people and speaking as an ex who was contacted after years had passed, that while these two say they are looking for their exes to catch up/forgiveness and closure, your exes could be reading something different, into why they've been contacted. Such as, are they looking to 'rekindle' and build up hope that you are, only to be let down, when you say that you are married.

Also these exes may not want to hear from them again, as in 'stuff your apology, don't contact me again'. In both instances, it can cause a lot of upset for either party. There is a saying 'let sleeping dogs lie'. Wake em and face the consequences

[SwayLady]

"What if these exes you are contacting, are still carrying a torch for you after all of this time..."

 

Let me assure you that this is not the case. In fact, I view it as an impossibility in my situation. You've no idea of the magnitude of the wrath I visited upon my ex.

 

She might not even remember you after all of this time, let alone still be thinking about past wrongs that someone inflicted upon her. Seriously, I highly doubt that after all of this time, she will be still hung up in regard to wrongdoings of the past. Time is a great healer and all of that. My ex too had done some real bad things to me, but while I havn't forgotten, they are now a distant memory and are bearable to live with. We were both young and daft back then, I long ago forgave him, which is why when he returned, I welcomed him back into my life. I often wonder, did I do the right thing, but I don't regret it....but different story and this is your thread.

 

My ex too, confessed to me that he agonised over the decision to contact me. He too had been expecting a bad reaction, but that didn't happen. All people are different though. Stirring up the past once more, can bring about a whole range of feelings, intense emotions and conflicting thoughts....it's not for the weak among us.

 

All I have to say really is, is that if you go ahead (which I've got this feeling that you are going too), then be crystal clear as to why you've emailed after all of this time. Expect that your ex, might not be happy to hear from you, you may not get the warm reception nor the forgiveness that you seek. Could you handle the upset this may cause you? If so, then go for it.

 

I'm highly surprised that nobody has attacked you for being married and wanting to go and seek an old flame, but something tells me that you are genuinely seeking forgiveness, there is no ulterior motive