Chris Posted January 22, 2002 Share Posted January 22, 2002 This is my first post on this board. I've just went through a difficult breakup, and I don't really have anyone to talk to that really actually cares. My girlfriend and I had been living together for about 9 months and we had been together for 2 years and 3 months. One day she told me she thought things weren't working out and that we should break up. I moved out and managed to talk her into thinking over the whole "breaking up" thing. She said she needed some time and I told her that was fine. Less than a week later she's told me she's sure we won't be getting back together and she just wants to be alone. I'm fine with giving her plenty of time but I found it truly hard to deal with the fact that she could make her mind up about us in under a week, when we've spent over two years of our lives together. When I talked to her about this and asked her to please think it over further, she told me she didn't think we should talk or see one another for the time being, and that she no longer had active feelings for me. She said she still cared about me and still had love for me but was not IN love with me. Now this part is what hurts the most, because I love her with all my heart even now, and hearing someone you love with your entire being tell you they don't have any feelings at all for you anymore is very hard. The part I don't understand is that just two weeks ago she was talking about if I had ever thought about getting married. I sort of brushed it off then, because honestly what male wants to talk about that sort of thing no matter how long he's been with a girl, though now I wish I hadn't. I admit that I hadn't been giving her the attention she deserved, and that I didn't do as much as I should for her but I would do anything to get her back. I was away from home a lot and when I was there I was on this godforsaken computer. I've decided to let her be and not talk to her anymore until valentines day, since she said she needed some time without me contacting her. I've already made up my mind to send her flowers to her job and ask her to go out to dinner with me - no strings attached - on Valentine's Day. I would just like some feedback as to what may be some good ideas, if my Valentine's Day idea is a bad idea, if I have even a snowball's chance in hell of getting her back, and some suggestions as to how I can get through this myself. She's the only person I've ever actually pictured myself growing old with and this has torn me apart inside. I actually feel like I have the flu, but no medicine will take away this pain. Against my will, I've cried myself to sleep two nights in a row, only to wake up every 45 minutes to an hour with some dream or just for no apparent reason. I'm like a zombie at work and if I don't keep my mind busy I'll just start crying. I've never felt this way about anyone before, and I've had serious relationships before now. I just believe that she was the one and that it was meant to be, but I screwed it up. People say things that are truly meant to be will be, but I believe there are certain things that are meant to be but can still be screwed up and you only get one shot at it. I mean if you do believe in God, which I try my best to do, and you do believe he has things preordained for people you have to realize that by giving man free will he has given them the chance to screw up things that should happen. This is what scares me most of all, that I'm supposed to be with her and I should be, but I've screwed it up and I won't get another shot at it. I thank you for reading this post, I know it's been really long, I'm just having a difficult time in my life right now and I would greatly appreciate any advice anyone can give me. Link to post Share on other sites
Paulie Posted January 22, 2002 Share Posted January 22, 2002 DONT YOU DARE SEND HER FLOWERS, ASK HER OUT, ETC. Although you are saying there would be no strings attached, there would be, for the simple reason that you still have feelings for her. Remove yourself from this situation, and don't you dare do anything "nice," as this will ONLY SERVE to make you look like a first class WIMP...certainly not the things girls are attracted to. Get away from her...at her age, especially...the more she sees you do not care, the more likely she is to come back, and the opposite is also true. Link to post Share on other sites
silvermoon Posted January 22, 2002 Share Posted January 22, 2002 Well, I don't think that things will ever be the same between you. But I do see one small ray of hope for you. It sounds like the break-up was part of a marriage ultimatum. Here's my take on what happened: After being together 2 years without any serious discussion about marriage, she finally brings it up. You act like you have no interest in marriage (contrary to what you told us in your post about wanting to grow old with her). Like any self-respecting decent woman, she breaks up, and prepares to recuperate and eventually move on. She might be willing to be your financee or your wife, but she will not be your girlfriend ever again. Link to post Share on other sites
Chris Posted January 22, 2002 Share Posted January 22, 2002 I didn't tell you her age actually. But just so you know she's 21. The only reason I had the idea of flowers on Valentine's Day is that it's a month away from now and even if nothing happens as a result, I still believe she deserves it. As far as going out no strings attached I would be willing to do it. You're correct that I would still have feelings for her but if she's not interested I'm not going to be begging her to come back, and after being with this girl for two years, I'd still like to see her if nothing else just to see how she's doing. I realize if I don't get away from her now, I have no chance of getting her back, but I feel that if I don't contact her sometime (like Valentine's Day - 1 month away) that I'll never have a chance with her again. I know girls aren't attracted to "wimps" but I'm not trying to be a wimp I'm simply trying to ensure I'll be able to have another chance if it's at all possible. If my ideas are bad, then I'll rethink them, but I know this girl and I know that if I never talk to her again even if she does have feelings for me, she probably won't make the effort to talk to me, just so she can be strong for herself. She's a very strong willed, stubborn individual, and would put herself in a state of unhappiness just to know for herself she didn't "cave in" Thank you for your reply and your advice. Any further advice is appreciated as well. Link to post Share on other sites
yes Posted January 22, 2002 Share Posted January 22, 2002 I agree with Paulie. Don't send her no flowers! Stay away for much longer - maybe a couple months, THEN give her a casual call to see how she's doing... Just my opinion though, i dunna yr girl or u! -yes I didn't tell you her age actually. But just so you know she's 21. The only reason I had the idea of flowers on Valentine's Day is that it's a month away from now and even if nothing happens as a result, I still believe she deserves it. As far as going out no strings attached I would be willing to do it. You're correct that I would still have feelings for her but if she's not interested I'm not going to be begging her to come back, and after being with this girl for two years, I'd still like to see her if nothing else just to see how she's doing. I realize if I don't get away from her now, I have no chance of getting her back, but I feel that if I don't contact her sometime (like Valentine's Day - 1 month away) that I'll never have a chance with her again. I know girls aren't attracted to "wimps" but I'm not trying to be a wimp I'm simply trying to ensure I'll be able to have another chance if it's at all possible. If my ideas are bad, then I'll rethink them, but I know this girl and I know that if I never talk to her again even if she does have feelings for me, she probably won't make the effort to talk to me, just so she can be strong for herself. She's a very strong willed, stubborn individual, and would put herself in a state of unhappiness just to know for herself she didn't "cave in" Thank you for your reply and your advice. Any further advice is appreciated as well. Link to post Share on other sites
stormrider Posted January 22, 2002 Share Posted January 22, 2002 Hi Chris, I think absolutely you should send flowers, but I also think you should be careful how you go about it. She's asked you to back off, so you REALLY need to listen to her there. V-day is a month away and if you still want to do something for her send her flowers but, do not send a crazy big a*s bunch of flowers that cost way to much, just KEEP IT SIMPLE!!! Just enough to let her know your thinking of her. And, I wouldn't do any more than a card that says "thinking of you" or along the same lines. Then, sorry to say, it's her move. If she's wasting your time she'll let you know from here. If she doesn't contact you at all, not only is it rude but honestly your better off with out her. If she does contact you, remember your still keeping it simple. If she wants anything more than to say thank you SHE will let YOU know(period). Just a thought, Have you ever heard the song "I Thank God for Unaswered Prayers" by Garth Brooks Buddy prays and prays that he can get the girl back, but later on he's thanking God for not answering his prayer otherwise he wouldn't have met his wife. The real "right" one. Good Luck! keep it on the flip side Link to post Share on other sites
Chris Posted January 22, 2002 Share Posted January 22, 2002 Thank you for your advice. I was not actually interested in knowing if I looked like a wimp, just if it was a good or bad idea, and you've put into perspective the best of anyone I've talked to so far. Most people have said if I send the flowers, I need to wait and see if she calls me and most say she'll do it just out of respect, which is what I think I'll do. Do you have any suggestions as to how many flowers might be a good number as well as color combination. Thanks. Link to post Share on other sites
Paulie Posted January 23, 2002 Share Posted January 23, 2002 I hate to sound so...harsh..but I always feel if a girl goes cold on me, go ten dgrees colder...works eveytime. No...it's not your place to "give her another chance"...the very fact that she broke it off with you means by its own very nature that she knows ITS HER DUTY, place to contact you if she feels this way. Yeah, its Valentines day...but you know what...you're NOT with her..the relationship's not there. She's only 21!!!??? Young chirpie...you should listen to Pavoratti's "La donna est mobile"...literally translated as "woman is wayward."...especially the 18-24 yr.old croud!!! Furthermore, you write: "The only reason I had the idea of flowers on Valentine's Day is that it's a month away from now and even if nothing happens as a result, I still believe she deserves it." Man!! You're naive, sorry to say it. WHY DOES SHE DESERVE IT!!!!!??? Because she's thinking about how she's be better off without you??? Causing you pain?? I guarantee ou his on will only push her away further. What about what YOU deserve...don't you deserve better?? Or do you have such low self-respect that you're going to continue to pine after her sorry ass?? Link to post Share on other sites
Paulie Posted January 23, 2002 Share Posted January 23, 2002 Mark my words...you will regret seding flowers..but go for it, anyways Link to post Share on other sites
Chris Posted January 23, 2002 Share Posted January 23, 2002 You know, you're probably right. I've thought about it a lot and the more I do the more I think it could be a bad idea, but if I don't do it I know she won't be talking to me so it's sort of a last chance effort. I appreciate your honesty though. Thanks. Link to post Share on other sites
Orange1082 Posted January 23, 2002 Share Posted January 23, 2002 Okay, am I the only one here that senses that maybe another guy is involved??? I mean, if you think this was so wierd to happen so fast, maybes something has been going on behind your back for a while. Dude, I dont mean to get you paranoid but I would suspect this from my girl if thats what happened to me. Is worth looking into I think so you dont make yourself look stupid trying to get her back if she EVER did do this to you... Good luck and I hope the best for you. This is my first post on this board. I've just went through a difficult breakup, and I don't really have anyone to talk to that really actually cares. My girlfriend and I had been living together for about 9 months and we had been together for 2 years and 3 months. One day she told me she thought things weren't working out and that we should break up. I moved out and managed to talk her into thinking over the whole "breaking up" thing. She said she needed some time and I told her that was fine. Less than a week later she's told me she's sure we won't be getting back together and she just wants to be alone. I'm fine with giving her plenty of time but I found it truly hard to deal with the fact that she could make her mind up about us in under a week, when we've spent over two years of our lives together. When I talked to her about this and asked her to please think it over further, she told me she didn't think we should talk or see one another for the time being, and that she no longer had active feelings for me. She said she still cared about me and still had love for me but was not IN love with me. Now this part is what hurts the most, because I love her with all my heart even now, and hearing someone you love with your entire being tell you they don't have any feelings at all for you anymore is very hard. The part I don't understand is that just two weeks ago she was talking about if I had ever thought about getting married. I sort of brushed it off then, because honestly what male wants to talk about that sort of thing no matter how long he's been with a girl, though now I wish I hadn't. I admit that I hadn't been giving her the attention she deserved, and that I didn't do as much as I should for her but I would do anything to get her back. I was away from home a lot and when I was there I was on this godforsaken computer. I've decided to let her be and not talk to her anymore until valentines day, since she said she needed some time without me contacting her. I've already made up my mind to send her flowers to her job and ask her to go out to dinner with me - no strings attached - on Valentine's Day. I would just like some feedback as to what may be some good ideas, if my Valentine's Day idea is a bad idea, if I have even a snowball's chance in hell of getting her back, and some suggestions as to how I can get through this myself. She's the only person I've ever actually pictured myself growing old with and this has torn me apart inside. I actually feel like I have the flu, but no medicine will take away this pain. Against my will, I've cried myself to sleep two nights in a row, only to wake up every 45 minutes to an hour with some dream or just for no apparent reason. I'm like a zombie at work and if I don't keep my mind busy I'll just start crying. I've never felt this way about anyone before, and I've had serious relationships before now. I just believe that she was the one and that it was meant to be, but I screwed it up. People say things that are truly meant to be will be, but I believe there are certain things that are meant to be but can still be screwed up and you only get one shot at it. I mean if you do believe in God, which I try my best to do, and you do believe he has things preordained for people you have to realize that by giving man free will he has given them the chance to screw up things that should happen. This is what scares me most of all, that I'm supposed to be with her and I should be, but I've screwed it up and I won't get another shot at it. I thank you for reading this post, I know it's been really long, I'm just having a difficult time in my life right now and I would greatly appreciate any advice anyone can give me. Link to post Share on other sites
Chris Posted January 23, 2002 Share Posted January 23, 2002 Once again, I appreciate your honesty. Like I said, you're probably right. I do believe I deserve better than what has happened, but you must remember, you're only hearing what I'm telling you. I've tried to convey the fact that it's partially my fault as well, maybe I haven't really stressed how MUCH it's my fault. She is putting me through a lot of pain, and it does hurt to hear her say she doesn't have any feelings for me, but she's had to deal with her fair share of pain during the relationship. I don't mean I was abusive or anything just that I admit there were times when I outright ignored her. No I don't believe she deserves it because she's thinking she's better off without me, or because she's causing me pain, but because of everything she did for me while we WERE together. Some of the time that I was ignoring her, it was because I was a too busy smoking weed. I let it consume me, I was doing it every day, as soon as I got home from work until the time I went to bed. She got me off it completely, and for that I am truly grateful. After I got off it, I spent a little more time with her but eventually I went back to ignoring her just as much without the drugs. I didn't mention that at first, because it's a little embarassing. That's just one thing she did for me, and there's a whole lot more, but then again I've done a lot for her too. For example I gave her a car when she had no money to get one, I paid for various doctor's visits while she had no insurance, and as you can probably imagine there's more on my end too. I may be going through a rough time right now, but overall she changed my life for the better. At least that's the way I feel for right now. Still I appreciate your honesty, and your bluntness, I wouldn't exactly call it harsh because it's true. And just having someone to "talk" to helps, no matter if it's not the advice you want to hear. If you only got the advice you wanted to hear every time you asked for help, there would be no reason to ask for help right? Link to post Share on other sites
Paulie Posted January 23, 2002 Share Posted January 23, 2002 Bro...for my money,this girl isn't worth the time I've spent typing (although by hearing of her personality, I would gather that she is pretty hot) Have an e-mail address? Post it, I'll wrte you, and we can go from there...I've just seen this exact thing soo many times...an absolutely TEXTBOOK example. And I wish Tony (one of the regulars here) would join in... Link to post Share on other sites
Paulie Posted January 23, 2002 Share Posted January 23, 2002 I know you hate to be singled out...please forgive me, But I think I need some serious intervention on Chris' post below...It wasn't that long ago that I had to go thru this crap to learn the hard way. Link to post Share on other sites
Tony T Posted January 23, 2002 Share Posted January 23, 2002 This lady has broken up with you. Women don't do that stuff overnight. They take their time. While you were screwing around on your computer ignoring her, she was disbonding with you...slowly and surely. By the time she told you she wanted out, she was over you. I know, I've been there, got the T-shirt. I know exactly how it works. Women who feel neglected will slowly and silently slip away and then surprise you with a good-bye announcement, especially if you have ignored their pleas for love and attention. It may seem like they're cold but they have been in pain for a very long time usually. She probably gave you a lot of hints along the way and you didn't take them. She probably suggested many times that you get away from the computer so the two of you could do things together. You may have been too busy at a website to pay attention. This is a learning experience for you. Your ex doesn't want to have a whole lot to do with you now because she has been hurt, very hurt. Forget this Valentines crap you are considering. Don't even go there. Your ex would prefer World War III to having dinner with you or getting a gift from you for Valentine's Day. She is just not in that place anymore. Anything you do will be totally meaningless to her and end up HURTING YOU!!! Maybe a very long time from now, the two of you could get back...when she forgets the pain, the neglect, etc. that she endured. But don't think it's going to happen soon. Right now, if you pursue her it will piss the hell out of her because she will be very angry that she had to leave in order for you to appreciate her. It will make her furious. Right now her feelings for you are ZERO because she has taken the time to get over you. Those feelings could resurface if you stay out of her face and make some fundamental changes in the way you conduct relationships. Relationships do not function on autopilot. Some females require more attention than others but all of them have basic needs that are different from men. In order to remain in love with a man, they must feel loved and cared about and they must feel far more important than the Internet, MS Windows, sports, work, etc. Women remain in love with men who make them feel special and wanted. So back off big time, take this on the chin, learn from it. I had to learn myself more than just once. And if you forget this lesson, it will be pounded on you again and again until it sinks in. Forgive yourself and don't feel so bad. Most of us have made this mistake. It's real easy to take people close to us for granted. I don't think you'll do that anymore. Since September 11, there's a lot less people who take others for granted. You never know when the person you love may go to work and not return home. And when you don't conduct a relationship in a caring, loving, attentive way, one day you can come home and your partner can say that's the last day it will exist. Nothing is forever. If you don't water and fertilize a plant, it will die. The same goes for love. You'll be fine. I've gone through this myself and I'm OK. I don't take anything for granted anymore, though. Even when my cat meows loudly, I go look to see if I remembered to change its litter box. God forbid it should die not having had clean litter. Link to post Share on other sites
yes Posted January 23, 2002 Share Posted January 23, 2002 I've read all your posts - and his responses. I think he has his head set of the stupid flowers - u can't change it!... He'll have to learn thru experience... ##### happens - better that he get over with it now than later i guess ... I've done exactly as him - ignore the great advice given here... regreted it later..... but at the moment, my mind was set on something, and no advice could change it... Lotta times, you really need to FEEL it yourself - u cannot use others' experience... -yes I know you hate to be singled out...please forgive me, But I think I need some serious intervention on Chris' post below...It wasn't that long ago that I had to go thru this crap to learn the hard way. Link to post Share on other sites
Chris Posted January 23, 2002 Share Posted January 23, 2002 Now that's profound. You've hit it right on the head to be exact. She did send me hints, and I didn't see them. The only reason I know she sent me hints is because she told me after she left me. You're right about the fact that I'm not going to take such things for granted anymore. This has been a very valuable, very painful life lesson. I would like to think I can make things better by backing off for a month, but the more people I talk to the more I realize that it's highly unlikely. I would like to get back together with her, because like I said she's the only one I've ever seen myself growing old with, but hope dwindles with each passing day and with each person I talk to. I just hope that one day, in the future when I'm not even expecting it, I may run into her somewhere and we may talk, however it doesn't appear that that day will be anytime soon. Thank you Tony. Link to post Share on other sites
Chris Posted January 23, 2002 Share Posted January 23, 2002 I've got an email and I'll post it, I just hope someone else doesn't take advantage of it and spam the heck out of me. I know no regular would, but oh well here it is: <e-mail address removed> Tony did join in in a message further up on the message board, and the advice, while not exactly what I would have liked to heard, was dead on. Like I said you don't ask for advice, just so you can hear exactly what you want to hear. Thanks for your help. Link to post Share on other sites
Chris Posted January 23, 2002 Share Posted January 23, 2002 I would like to thank everyone who helped me out and listened to my whining in my previous messages. You've all helped me understand more what is going on. I've thought things over, and I've trashed the Valentine's Day flowers idea. Moreover, I've begun to start rebuilding my own life. I've made a couple new friends, starting going out on my own again, and even started flirting with other women. I find that I don't even realize I'm doing it, I'm just trying to force myself to be happy and it's working. Think about it, if you force yourself to be happy every single day - to smile, laugh, etc. - eventually you WILL be happy. I finally realize that if she really does love me it will work out, but if I don't care enough about myself to like ME then what's the point. If I can't be my own person, then why would someone else want to be my reason for being happy. That's an awful lot of burden to put on someone really, why would someone want to be someone else's sunshine? So thank you Paulie, yes, Tony. I appreciate all of your input and just want to let you know you've helped me get through a rough time and even realize a few things about myself. Link to post Share on other sites
Tony T Posted January 23, 2002 Share Posted January 23, 2002 I couldn't sleep last night thinking you were going to give this lady flowers for Valentines Day...too sick. I feel so much better now and glad you're well on your way to solid rationality and good reasoning. Things will get better for you now that you have learned some important lessons. Link to post Share on other sites
yes Posted January 23, 2002 Share Posted January 23, 2002 Sounds awesome. I'm doing the same- "forcing" myself to be happy - u'r SO right - it works... slowly, but it does best of luck to u. I would like to thank everyone who helped me out and listened to my whining in my previous messages. You've all helped me understand more what is going on. I've thought things over, and I've trashed the Valentine's Day flowers idea. Moreover, I've begun to start rebuilding my own life. I've made a couple new friends, starting going out on my own again, and even started flirting with other women. I find that I don't even realize I'm doing it, I'm just trying to force myself to be happy and it's working. Think about it, if you force yourself to be happy every single day - to smile, laugh, etc. - eventually you WILL be happy. I finally realize that if she really does love me it will work out, but if I don't care enough about myself to like ME then what's the point. If I can't be my own person, then why would someone else want to be my reason for being happy. That's an awful lot of burden to put on someone really, why would someone want to be someone else's sunshine? So thank you Paulie, yes, Tony. I appreciate all of your input and just want to let you know you've helped me get through a rough time and even realize a few things about myself. Link to post Share on other sites
taty Posted January 23, 2002 Share Posted January 23, 2002 I am going through a tough time myself right now. I read what you had to say and you are so right. It has been 2 weeks but I am getting stronger everyday. I have been doing things for myself like I will start class to finish my bacholars degree in March. I am trying to have fun everyday to forget. I am a strong believer that if it is meant to to be than it will be. I try to keep myself busy so that I will not sit around thinking about what happened. I was not the problem. I need to be happy for myself because I to was the type to search for my happiness in someone else. What will be will be. Thanks. I would like to thank everyone who helped me out and listened to my whining in my previous messages. You've all helped me understand more what is going on. I've thought things over, and I've trashed the Valentine's Day flowers idea. Moreover, I've begun to start rebuilding my own life. I've made a couple new friends, starting going out on my own again, and even started flirting with other women. I find that I don't even realize I'm doing it, I'm just trying to force myself to be happy and it's working. Think about it, if you force yourself to be happy every single day - to smile, laugh, etc. - eventually you WILL be happy. I finally realize that if she really does love me it will work out, but if I don't care enough about myself to like ME then what's the point. If I can't be my own person, then why would someone else want to be my reason for being happy. That's an awful lot of burden to put on someone really, why would someone want to be someone else's sunshine? So thank you Paulie, yes, Tony. I appreciate all of your input and just want to let you know you've helped me get through a rough time and even realize a few things about myself. Link to post Share on other sites
Paulie Posted January 24, 2002 Share Posted January 24, 2002 And you reminded me of an expression I used to tout heavily on this site some time ago: "Fake it to make it." ...meaning, act happy, confident, etc etc, and eventually, you WILL be... I'm so happy for you, I'm literally overjoyed. Time for me to celebrate your happiness...with a nice cold beer Paulie Link to post Share on other sites
Paulie Posted January 24, 2002 Share Posted January 24, 2002 Also, please keep us posted, and I encourage you to keep coming by the site...isn't it a great place?? Link to post Share on other sites
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