friendship blues (kinda long, but interesting...)

[exfriend]

In high school, Blake, Marco and I were inseperable. At the time, I didn't know it but

 

Blake and Marco were homosexual (they were not dating each other, but they were best

 

friends) and I was their shoulder that they could lean on. In addition, we went to prom

 

and homecoming together a couple times. We were the best of friends (especially Blake

 

and I) until I got a boyfriend, my senior year.

 

After that, a lot changed. Both Blake and Marco used to get angry when I hung out with

 

Gary (my boyfriend). I always thought it was a jealously thing and they would just get

 

over it. Gary was always understanding when I wanted to hang out with Blake and Marco,

 

but was jealous of them because they had such a strong bond with me.

 

Well, one night, Marco and I toilet papered Blake's house as a joke (we did this to each

 

other from time to time... we always cleaned it up). Well, Blake got very very angry at

 

us. He would not talk to us for the longest time. It was graduation time also, which made

 

it all very intense. I found out years later that Blake was angry at Marco for different

 

reasons, but at the time, I had no idea why Blake was so mad at me. He toilet papered my

 

house all the time. I never got mad. He stuck me with the biggest guilt trip. I felt so bad

 

about myself, and he would not talk to me, no matter how many times I approached him.

 

Before all this had happened, I felt that Blake had been increasingly antangonistic to me,

 

especially when it came to things with Gary. Blake and I had always made plans to go to

 

Senior Prom together since our freshman year, but I thought since I had a boyfriend, that

 

bond was vetoed. Apparantly, when Prom came around, I guess he expected that pact to

 

be followed through, since when I annouced Gary's plans for Prom, Blake didn't speak to

 

me for a week. I read Blake's journal (I know... I shouldn't have) and it had a poem

 

saying that Gary was a jerk and that he was egotistical and that he was taking me away

 

from him and Marco.

 

After things like this, I was tired of Blake. After graduation, he came to my house and

 

apoligized with how he reacted and said that he was mad, and asked if I could forgive

 

him. I told him that I didn't want to be friends with him anymore. I told him that he was

 

giving me the feeling that it was either Gary that had to go or it was him. With the way

 

things were going, I didn't want to be friends with Blake. I told him that I was sorry, but

 

I couldn't be friends with somebody who would make me feel bad for being myself.

 

One might say that it was my fault, that I neglected my friends and put Gary before Blake

 

and Marco. That would not be true. Through all that turbulence, Marco and I became

 

best friends. Even Gary started hanging out with us. We're going to Mexico this spring.

 

Maybe some of it was my fault, but not all... I don't think.

 

Well, a year after that incident, I ran into Blake at the grocery store. We got to talking,

 

we missed each other and we decided to hang out again. We did a couple things but it

 

wasn't the same. He moved away with Marco to San Diego.

 

FAST FORWARD to two years ago... to TODAY:

 

I talked to Marco the other day and he mentioned Blake was in town. He moved back

 

because things were too hard for him. He was trying to come out of the closet, his

 

boyfriend of a year broke up with him, his boss was discriminating him for his sexual

 

preference, and he was not fitting in anywhere. I asked Marco why he thought Blake

 

hadn't called me. Marco said that Blake talked about missing me, but Blake was mad at

 

me. I understood that Blake would probably always be mad at me for "breaking up" with

 

him. Marco added, "He always says that he can't forgive someone who picked her

 

boyfriend over a real friend."

 

THAT BOTHERS ME! I have been battling for a week whether or not I should call or

 

email him. I want to help him, but I don't know if I should. Should I explain to him why

 

we're not friends, or should I leave it in the past? What hurts me even more is that it

 

sounded that Marco agreed. Is what I did wrong? I have friends now, but they really

 

don't compare to the bond that Blake and I shared. Should I explain to him what really

 

happened?

[silvermoon]

Ideally your friends and your significant others can all get along, but if push comes to shove, the boyfriend comes before the friend. That's just a fact of adult friendship. Also it sounds like your relationship with Blake was more than just a friendship, at least in terms of emotional intensity (even though it was never physical). Perhaps you can rekindle your friendship with Blake, but if he insists on holding a grudge, there's really nothing you can do about it. You could open the door for him and let him know that you would like to be friends again, but there is no need to apologize for prioritizing your boyfriend above him.