My God...I hurt SO bad!!!

[Tormented]

Today has got to be one of the worst days of my life.

 

I have been seeing a man for about 7 months now, and although that's not very long, we fell deeply in love (or so I thought). Not long after he met me, he bought me a diamond ring as a "symbol" of his love and committment to "us," and swore that he loved me more than he has anybody.

 

Things between us have always been somewhat rocky. He is a 'recovering' alcoholic but would have periodic slips of which I wouldn't tolerate because he has gotten violent in the past while drinking alcohol. Also, he has irreversible heart damage because of his drinking. He promised me he'd never drink, and when he did, we'd separate for a few weeks, but would always go back together.

 

Also, I never really trusted him...didn't always believe everything he told me. I've caught him in a few lies before in the past which caused me not to fully trust him. He constantly told me that he was genuine, that he never lied to me, that I have "trust issues" with men. Little by little, I started to trust him more.

 

Then we had a terrible fight about 3 weeks ago and we broke up (again!). I heard nothing from him, nor did I contact him in all that time. But I missed him, horribly, and fought daily to keep from calling him. This past Wednesday, he saw me in town and later that night I got a call from him. He told me he missed me horribly, that he couldn't stand being away from me, that he loved me deeply, that he hasn't been seeing anybody...hadn't even gone out on a date, that he wanted badly to see me, to work things out. Needless to say, I was hesitant to see him again but finally agreed.

 

He came over that night and the minute he walked in the door, he grabbed me and hugged me for a long time, as though he didn't want to let go. We talked for quite some time, and then went to bed as we both had to work in the morning. We made love and spent the remainder of the night in each other's arms. The next morning, he left for work but called me at lunch at my place of employment, telling me how much he loved me. He then called me that evening after he got off of work, telling me that he had some errands to do and would call me when he got home. He also said that he wanted to see me Friday night (tonight) so we could talk some more. I agreed.

 

Okay, he never did call me back....which isn't like him. I began to worry that something happened to him, that maybe he was in the hospital or something because he was having nose bleeds from high blood pressure and also because he was drinking again.

 

So today, I drove to his house after work. I noticed a strange truck parked outside his house. I then drove to his work to see if his car was there, which it was. I drove into the truck yard (he's a logger, drives a logging truck all day) and waited for his truck to pull in. When he did, I approached his truck while holding a few things that belonged to him. I told him I drove by his house and noticed a strange truck there. I told him I now knew why he didn't call back as he had promised because he has a woman there. The look on his face was pure shock, he couldn't even speak because he was caught off-guard. I told him he was a filthy liar, that he told me he was seeing nobody, that he told me he loved me, that he wanted to talk things out and wanted to be with me and all along he was cheating. He denied cheating, saying that at the time he wasn't seeing anybody...gee, a whole 2 days ago!. I then threw his things (including the ring he bought me) in his truck and told him to never call me again.

 

I then drove to his house and knocked on the door. It was then I discovered that the woman he was seeing was his ex-girlfriend...a woman who, upon leaving him, stole $800.00 cash, a computer, and other items from him, who had cheated on him while she was living with him, and even married another guy (and is STILL married to this man). A woman he swore he was over, a woman he said he hated, would NEVER go back to...had nothing nice to say about, yet...there she stood, in his house!

 

I told her that he spent the night with me Wednesday night, and that she was more than welcome to my "leftovers." I then turned and left. I drove home shaking so bad I don't know how I managed to drive. I broke down and cried so hard I had to pull over. I haven't stopped crying...I can't stop! My stomach is sick, my heart hurts. I'm in so much pain right now I can hardly stand it...like I want to crawl the walls, or run down the street screaming....which is NOT like me.

 

My God, I can't believe he dumped me for somebody who did this to him not even a year ago. He was just here Wednesday night, telling me how much he loved me, how much he wanted to be with me...and then the very next day, he's with her!!!

 

Dear God, I need help! I don't understand. I loved him so much!!

 

PLEASE HELP ME!!!!!

 

~Tormented~

[newbby]

ouch! that sounds bad.

i dont really know what to say, except that you will get through it, no matter what you think now. just go with the pain, accept that you are in pain for now, eventually you will start coming out of it. keep posting here if it helps you. peace.

[Tormented]

Newby, thank you. I can't stop crying!!! I didn't know it was possible to hurt this bad. How could he do this to me?? How can you look somebody who loves you in the eye and lie like this???

 

My God, will I EVER trust again??

 

~Tormented~

[newbby]

people can do it. i know it is a shock. you will get through it though. i doubt he even knows what he is doing, he is an alcoholic (recovering) after all, and it sounds like he has alot more recovering to do, but for you, you deserve better.

[Tormented]

Thank you Newbie for your kind words.

 

I couldn't sleep last night...my mind wouldn't shut off and I cried so much I could hardly breath. Got maybe an hour or so of sleep, awoke early this morning and the pain is just as bad as it was yesterday.

 

I'm in complete shock at what happened. All kinds of emotions are running through me at the same time and I feel like I'm going to lose my mind. I STILL can't believe he came here Wednesday night, made love to me, told me he loved me and wanted to spend his life with me, and then turn around and move his ex in the very next day! Did I mean NOTHING to him?? Apparently not, and that's what hurts so badly.

 

I feel like an absolute fool for ever believing him. Well, she cheated on him, stole from him, and even married another man the last time they were together. I've no doubt she'll do it again, and when she does...he better not come knocking on my door!!

 

It's going to take me a long time to heal from this one.

 

~Tormented~

[newbby]

i dont think you will make any sense of his words and actions, and trying to will only do your head in. try not to think it all out, hard as this may be. just concentrate on it being over between you, and getting yourself through the pain of missing him. try to sleep as much as you can, it is very important. make sure you eat properly too. do you have any rl friends or family who can be with you aswell? ((hugs))

[Bangles]

Lots of hugs to you. I understand how bad you hurt, I have been there before. You just need to take it a day at a time, maybe a minute at a time right now. Have you ever heard of an organization called Alanon? They help the family or sig other or anybody involved with an alcoholic, recovering or otherwise. I know they are listed in the phone book and also have information online. I will say lots of prayers for you. Please please look thos group up, they will help you soooo much. Don't give up

[Tormented]

You're right, Newbie. I can NOT understand any of this. I can't even begin to comprehend how somebody can look you in the eye, tell you how much they love you, that they want to spend their life with you, spend as much time as he did with me, only to turn around the next day and move somebody who they said they "hated" into their house and not even pay you the respect of telling you it's over. The way I found out was horrible...my God, I wouldn't do that to my worst enemy, never mind to a person who I loved. This has shaken my entire soul. I am now questioning my judgement and my confidence for future relationships. And I wonder if I'll ever be able to trust again. This has done some heavy damage...I can feel it. How he can leave me for a woman who once lied to him, cheated on him, stole from him and married another man is beyond me. And this may be vicious on my side, but I hope she does it to him again! And when she does, he better stay away from my door. I could NEVER trust him again!!

 

And, of course, I wonder if he feels bad for what he's done to me...even if just a little. If I had done this to somebody the guilt would be eating me alive. I'm still in shock. Still can't eat or sleep. Don't know how I'm going to function at work come Monday morning.

 

This is hell.

 

~Tormented~

[Tormented]

Thank you for your support, Bangles.

 

Yes, I have heard of Alanon but I always thought it was a support group for alcoholics. Do they help people who were involved with an alcoholic, even though that person is no longer with the alcoholic?

 

Another question I'd like to ask. Do you think some of the reason he did what he did (completely did a turn-about on me literally overnight), had to do with him drinking again? Do alcoholics act this way sometimes...make poor choices this quickly? Become this unpredictable?

 

I guess I'm just in desperate need of some answers because I truly can NOT understand any of this and the pain in unbearable!

 

~Tormented~

[B-3128]

Tormented, that sounds like it really sucks. No doubt everyone will recommend NC. That's the hardest thing to do in your circumstances because you have so much that is unanswered.

 

I would say that people are capable of such screwed up things, whether they're alcoholics or not. I say that as someone who has experience of being comparably evil. He will hurt about it. I hurt when I was mean. I still do, and I think I always will. I'm still sorry about it even though the person I wronged has also done some horrific things to me. The day he repents may come, and it may not. He might not be fortunate like me and see the error in his ways. In that case, he will just hurt and never be able to recover. Whatever happens, don't sit around waiting for his apology. Sometimes, insanity just takes people over. No matter what you may have done to him, there is NOTHING to say you deserved any of the horrible experience. Life is not tit for tat etc.

 

There is, I'm sure, some psycho-sexual explanation relating to his relationship with his father, the phallus and his masculinity behind it all. There's always an explanation. There's not always a justification.

 

My advice to you is to talk about it as much as possible with friends.

 

Write your thoughts to flush your brain out.

 

Eat biscuits. Sweet things are generally easier to stomach. I've been there with the nausea (and am still there - recent mega trauma for me too).

 

Take vitamin pills. You are vulnerable to illness at the mo so look after yourself.

 

Grieve, but take breaks. It is frustrating and boring being upset all the time.

 

Above all, the key thing right now is not to try to understand him etc. He is dead. A zombie who looks and sounds like someone you knew. The person, your friend, the concept you loved, is obviously no longer there. A shoebox makes a good coffin. Put his remains (photos, notes etc.) inside and mourn your loss. Everyone misses losing someone nice. Watch out for the zombie though. Zombies bite and hurt you. Understand that you're not dealing with the same guy anymore. This is someone else.

 

And when you've done all that, you won't feel better. It's hard and nobody expects you to. Be patient with yourself and don't rush. Again, easier said than done. I am getting very impatient for being on the verge of clinical depression a month on. I had a bad experience too and can identify with you.

 

Best wishes and sympathies,

 

B

[Tormented]

B...it's late and I need to go to bed for work tomorrow, but I really needed to thank you for your post before I hit the pillow. Yeah...like I can sleep! Not sure how I'm going to get through the day tomorrow...don't know how I'll manage to smile as though my world is "A-OKAY." Hard to do when your guts and heart feel as though they've been torn apart.

 

I can't tell you how much your post helped me. You were candid and to the point and I very much appreciate it. And you speak as though you are in touch with the pain I am now in...pain that NO human being should ever have to deal with, especially so when the pain dealt to them is unwarranted.

 

You know, I could slightly understand this if I had done something to hurt him this badly...you know, lied/cheated/betrayal of some sort. But that has never been the case. Yes, I have left him before...mostly over his drinking, breaking promises to me, and other issues that just never seemed to change. But both times when I left, I was upfront about it, did it in person, and never left him wondering what happened. And yes, he cried both times I left. But I felt I was compassionate and caring towards his feelings. Would have been nice had he paid me the same respect.

 

Thing is, I honestly don't think he meant for me to find out. The fact that I took things into my own hands and showed up when he least expected me to came as a great shock to him (AND ME), no doubt. But you know, as much pain and anguish this has caused me, I'm glad I did. This could have gone on for...who knows how long....had I not taken the action I did. Now I wonder who he's been with while with me...enough so that I'm going to get tested for AIDS. I'm really worried about that. I NEVER slept with anybody but him, but now I worry that he has. My God...I feel like the biggest first-class fool roaming Earth's soil right now. What an idiot I was to ever believe his BS.

 

And the kicker to all of this? He had the damn nerve to follow me to my car as I was leaving, telling me that he "never cheated on me while with me." Unreal, or what? Like I'm suppose to believe this??? Yeah, and I believe in Santa Clause too!

 

Strange that you would mention the relationship between he and his father. He got drunk a few years back and beat his father to the point of hospitalization. Only reason he didn't kill him is because he was pulled off. And although he did jail time for this, he says he doesn't regret the beating, said he was "out to kill him." Claims that his father was never around for he and his siblings, that they damn near starved and their father did nothing to help them...instead, the father was sleeping with other women and took care of the mistresses kids instead. Said his father was abusive, both physically and psychologically towards the kids and his mother. Said he grew up hating his father, and things came to a head that night. So yes, you were spot on about the dysfunctional relationship between he and his father.

 

And I agree...I need to try to get more sleep, try to eat a bit more than I have. I tried tonight and thought I was going to get sick. And my eyes burn from crying and lack of sleep. They're red, puffy with bags underneath. In other words, I look like hell right now. Hope my makeup does wonders tomorrow.

 

And I like your zombie idea....to kill him in my mind. In a way, it is as though he died to me. And yes, I am deeply mourning the friend I once had in him....the inside jokes we shared, the dreams, the playfulness, the pet names, the dancing to old classic rock songs in front of the fire on winter nights, the constant affection we showed each other, the sound of his heart beat as I layed my head on his chest when we went to bed, his voice, his scent...just the presence of him. It has left a huge void in my life...and I will miss him for a long time to come.

 

But it IS over. He crossed the line...can't go back. I could NEVER trust him again. Ever.

 

It's final.

 

And I'm in pain.

 

You mentioned that you hurt because you hurt another. Not sure if that's the case with him. At least, not right now while he's drinking. I find myself wondering if he thinks about what he has done to me...how much pain it caused me. The obvious pain in my eyes and tone the last time he saw me. Does he replay that scene in his head? Does he wonder how I am...how I'm coping. What this has done to me? I don't know....guess I never will.

 

If you don't mind, can you share what has happened to you recently? You mentioned you were dealing with depression because of it. If you're not comfortable talking about it here, I completely understand. I would like to help you the way you have helped me here.

 

Thank you so much, B. You've no idea how much I appreciate it.

 

~Tormented~

[Mary3]

Your ( ex ) boyfriend has a disease. Its called Alcoholism. Unless he stays dry for 6 months ( and continue to stay dry for life ) then his illness is YOUR illness.

 

But now it sounds like its HER illness . She cheated and lied and stold from him but it sounds like he LOVES her and thats why he took her back.

 

Its all pathetic. His drinking. Her crap she pulled and then he puts you in the middle of it and then LIES

 

DO NOT CONTACT THIS MAN IN ANY WAY SHAPE OR FORM ! ( F O R E V E R )

[B-3128]

Ah, sleep… what a headache. Do your best, but it’s probably going to be a while till you crack it. Right now, I find the sleeping nice. It’s like being drugged. Blissfully unaware of it all. Getting there is hard however. Not like you get into bed thinking how wonderful your day has been. Then there’s that moment in the morning as you’re drifting into consciousness, when you suddenly recall your situation and the sleep stops being nice. And you try and try to fall back asleep again to make the pain stop, but alas, it is futile. You have had all the respite your biology will allow you. Now it’s time to face the day and impatiently put up with the hideous chemistry of your thoughts.

 

Dopamine and Serotonin.

Nothing but moaning.

More of one, less of the other.

Like father and mother.

 

So, I’m a happy bunny this morning!!! :-)

 

My number one tip Tormented, don’t take any of that BS about making a list of 40 things you hated about your ex. That sort of cognitive psychology nonsense is depressing. Exercises geared at manipulating the chemicals in your brain to change your mood. Pah! If it’s possible to un-like someone so easily, then surely it’s very hollow and superficial to like someone in the first place? You’re just doing the opposite and making a list of 40 nice things and triggering happy chemicals instead. Those f-ing self help books… people are nothing but bundles of neurones or neutrons or whatever the fkuc as far as these people are concerned. Small wonder depression is so prevalent in Western society if we turn to people like that for our mental well being! The stuff has its foundations in things that, if true, would rob us of every hope of ever being happy. They make consciousness a curse that one must be trained to deal with.

 

Don’t hate. Don’t use hate. You are not a machine and it is not a tool. It’s the enemy.

 

As for pretending everything is fine and dandy, do so when necessary. In general, those who are successful are those who appear to be happy, smiley etc. Socialize, get stuck into work etc. Whatever you do though, make time to mourn your loss as well. Write here, write a diary, talk to friends, and keep doing so until there is nothing left to say. I made the mistake of becoming aggressively social straight after my trauma. Out every night after work. It’s good if you can forget about it for 1 second out of every 5 by doing that, but ultimately, it’s there and you will have to confront it at some point. It’s like studying. You can’t go on non-stop and you need some breaks. But you need to get it done. So try not to go to one extreme like I did. A healthy mix is probably ideal.

 

As for mothers and fathers, most people problems have something to do with them. You’re bound to be messed in the head if you can’t love your parents. One of my parents is difficult to say the least, and has made some of his offspring suffer, but we all still love him. We may not like him that much, but we love him regardless. I have had it easy as I grew up far away, but one of my siblings has had it particularly bad. She still loves him despite everything he did. Actually hating a parent means that something deep inside is very wrong. The love of someone who hates a parent is likely to be more lacking than that of someone who does not have such a complex.

 

You ask if he wonders how you are, or if he replays the scene in his head. Only someone still in love wonders things like that, for the opposite of love is not hate but indifference. There is no ‘he’ left. Dead. Gone. The ‘he’ at the house with the other woman is not the ‘he’ you were in love with. So your nice ‘he’ cannot wonder like a dinosaur can’t. He no longer walks the earth. And I’m sure it can’t matter to you that much if the new ‘he’ wonders very much. That’s not the person that counts. What’s really upsetting is that the nice ‘he’ is gone and is never coming back. New ‘he’ may come back trying to impersonate old ‘he’, but that is not the same.

 

Your history with someone is permanent. Some things are easier to deal with than others. I don’t know how strong you are, but I think it is fair to say that in general, trusting a cheater again, even if they have truly changed, takes longer for most people than the rest of their sexually active life. Of course, you miss the old ‘he’ so much that you wish you could push a button, have him back and forget all that has happened (see this movie: Eternal Sunshine Of The Spotless Mind). Be careful because what you wish was the case (romantic notions of strength of character on your part and forgiveness etc.) and what actually is the case (a very tough situation to get over for anyone) can be different things. Without genuine trust, things will just end in even more tears. You seem to be aware of this to an extent.

 

There is only one plus side to being cheated on. There is no hurry to “win the race” and get to a new partner first. They won the race before it even started. In fact, they’re disqualified. You can relax and take your time to get over it all with no pressure. No need for an irresponsible rebound etc.

 

Finally, I bet you feel betrayed. I got cheated on by someone I loved. She was pretty much my best friend in the world. I was so upset that my friend would rather suck someone else’s ahem than not hurt me so much like that. She didn’t seem so bothered. Of course, she can’t have been, otherwise she wouldn’t have done it in the first place. Even so, I only realised that I was also hurting about losing the closeness I once had with her when her apology for cheating failed to make me feel better. Being angry about the betrayal of a friend is easier to express than being upset at the loss of a loved one. That’s because it’s not as soppy and easier to share with people. You tell yourself, well, it’s fine if they wanted to break up, but I’m really upset about the way in which they treated me. Well, the thing that is wrong with that is that it is NOT fine that they wanted to break up. It sucks bigtime! Of course, your situation is slightly different. You weren’t even broken up with. Even so, my point of advice is for you to remember that you are also upset about the prospect of a bleak future without the one you cared about being as close to you as they used to be.

 

As for what happened to me recently, well, maybe another time. I have written a lot already. I’m glad my last post helped. That’s given me something to be happy about today.

 

Be strong, eat biscuits,

 

 

 

B

[Tormented]

Sleep? Ha...not in MY world.

 

The lack of it has reached a serious level at this point. My eyes burn, my mind is functioning somewhere between lethargy and comatose, and nausea has become of the norm for me. I'm beyond exhausted and my body/mind is in dire need of sleep...if anything, just to escape the pain for a little while, but the minute my head hits the pillow my mind decides to go in to overdrive. The same pictures keep flashing over and over again in my head. Like still-shots from moments we had that, at the time, didn't seem that remarkable but left their imprints just the same. Strange how the mind does that. And, of course, images of other moments that will most likely be with me for as long as I suck air...some of them good, some of them horrible. And that last night we were together, the night he INSISTED upon coming over after we had been separated for almost 3 weeks keeps rolling through my head...EVERY word he said, EVERY move he made, EVERY expression on his face that night I have analyzed to the point of obsession...desperately searching for an answer (even if just a weak one) to all my "Why's." To somehow find closure, to somehow set myself free.

 

Problem with that? It's a waste of energy and time...like that of a hamster on a wheel. All that energy put forth and leads to NOWHERE. Questions such as..."did he come here that night knowing it would be the last time he'd see me, and was trying to say good-bye?" Or...."was I, and have I always been nothing more than the rebound girl to his ex-girlfriend, and the minute she showed back up on the scene, I was dumped because I was no longer needed?"

 

At this point, I believe the truth lies within my second thought. I don't believe he thought that night was our last, because had that been the case, he wouldn't have said he missed me horribly, wanted to work things out between us, or called me early the next morning to tell me he loves me, nor called me that night to tell me he had to run errands and would call me when he got home, nor mention plans he had for us that coming weekend. This is not the behavior of somebody who is trying to say good-bye. No, I believe she showed up on his doorstep unexpectantly and things heated up from there. And because he didn't have the guts to tell me that he'd taken her back, he decided to just 'disappear.' And I think that's what hurts the most...the fact that I could be disposed of that easily, without the consideration of telling me, or concern for MY feelings...just as long as HE was happy. After all this...after all that we shared, after all the love he said he felt for me, all the memories we shared and built together...I amounted to no more than a temporary fix and then thrown away like an empty medicine bottle.

 

I agree...it's bad to hate. But right now I can't help it. There are moments during the day (many of them, actually) where I find myself hating him for what he has done to me. For the way he used me, or at least, has made me feel used. And as horrid as this may sound, it is only while I feel hate for him that the pain dulls somewhat. But then sheer rage takes root, and although the pain doesn't feel as intense, it is still unhealthy.

 

I don't know, B. Bad place to be in. Don't know how long I'll be stuck here, but I feel I'm as close to being hell as one can be while still alive.

 

How I wish I could just close my eyes and not awake until it all passes...just sleep right through it, like we do during a boring movie.

 

We'll survive, B. Yeah, we will. But I can't promise that once this storm has passed, we'll be the same as before it found us.

 

Thank you so much, B, for being here for me.

 

~Tormented~

[Tormented]

Its all pathetic. His drinking. Her crap she pulled and then he puts you in the middle of it and then LIES

 

DO NOT CONTACT THIS MAN IN ANY WAY SHAPE OR FORM ! ( F O R E V E R )

 

AMEN to that, Mary. I have absolutely NO intention of EVER contacting nor speaking to this SOB again. Although I have more questions than the Bible does verses, I have accepted that there will be NO answers because the contact with this loser isn't worth any satisfaction I MIGHT gain in his answers. And even if he did give me some answers, I wouldn't trust him enough to tell me the truth.

 

And to think that I wasn't attracted to him the night I met him. Should had ran then!!

 

~Tormented~

[Greensleaves]

Tormented, I understand very well how you feel as I am in a similar situation with my head spinning for answers "the dreaded why" and despite some similarities, father problem etc yours actually does sound way more traumatic on a general scale.

So if i feel bad, having difficulties sleeping and eating etc etc, how much worse must you feel.

As it happened only recently and I haven't managed to get through it yet, i can not offer much practical advice, except for that I feel for you and even though you know you "just" have to rip him out of yor heart, it is easier said than done, despite the fact that he has treated you more than crappy. Pretending he is dead "Zombie" or has left for a foreign country probably is the best you can do.

Take care of yourself. I found friends can help but can only discuss the topic so and so many times, so keep on posting to get it all out.

 

Regards

Greensleaves

[Guest]

I recently had my heart broken the same way that you have. Let me tell you that you will get through this. When you are in love with someone it often makes us blind to what they are doing to us and we will be willing to endure anything from our significant other to be with them. You should move on becasue this person is obviously not taking you into consideration in this situatuion. He is doing whatever makes him happy and that is not the right reason to be with someone. I know what you are going through and I want you to know that you will get over it. I thought I was going to loose my mind too and it just takes time. I have met the neatest girl since my breakup and it is so clear to me now that if things arent right that you need to move on because there is someone out there that is genuine and that you are meant to be with. Get out there and meet people and you will meet your prince charming and this guy will be nothing but a faded memory. Good luck!

[Tormented]

As it happened only recently and I haven't managed to get through it yet, i can not offer much practical advice, except for that I feel for you and even though you know you "just" have to rip him out of yor heart, it is easier said than done, despite the fact that he has treated you more than crappy. Pretending he is dead "Zombie" or has left for a foreign country probably is the best you can do.

Take care of yourself. I found friends can help but can only discuss the topic so and so many times, so keep on posting to get it all out.

 

Thank you, Green. Much appreciated.

 

I think just being heard, being UNDERSTOOD has helped me through this hell. I don't think there are any 'magic' words to help ease my pain, but the outpouring of support I'm receiving here has become a lifeline for me. Just KNOWING that there are some understanding, compassionate people like you folks in this world (a world that suddenly feels cold and cruel to me) who are willing to take the time to write supportive and thoughtful posts to me (a complete stranger) has revived my faith in the human spirit.

 

Strange...the one who you thought would always be there for you, who you thought would always have your back, would always be in your corner during your darkest days is the SAME one who brought the darkness in your life.

 

And complete strangers who you never knew existed, you you've done NOTHING for, who meant nothing to you are the very same ones who came to your rescue on that dark day to shed a little light.

 

Life is strange...

 

~Tormented~

[Tormented]

I know what you are going through and I want you to know that you will get over it. I thought I was going to loose my mind too and it just takes time. I have met the neatest girl since my breakup and it is so clear to me now that if things arent right that you need to move on because there is someone out there that is genuine and that you are meant to be with. Get out there and meet people and you will meet your prince charming and this guy will be nothing but a faded memory. Good luck!

 

Thank you, Guest. Yes, I know that EVENTUALLY I will get over it, join the 'living' once again. Hopefully, sooner than later.

 

One thing I'd like to say here. It is good that you are moving on, a place I want to get to, but be oh-so-careful with HOW you move on. Take care that you're not looking to another to help ease your pain, to fill that suddenly huge void in your heart. Don't use another as a "rebound" to your lonliness. I am not insinuating that you are..nothing wrong with casual dating after a painful breakup, in fact, it's a healthy thing to do, much better for you than to sit around and mope about a lost love. BUT...do so cautiously and responsibly. Keep in mind that you just came out of a breakup and to get involved with somebody right now when your heart belongs to another will only serve to heart the clueless victim who THOUGHT you were in love with them.

 

Guess I'm hyper sensitive about this because I now realize that I was deeply in love with a man who used me as a rebound. I am convinced of this.

 

Casual dating right now is a healthy thing.

 

Serious relationships should be avoided for a while until you are truly over your ex.

 

~Tormented~

[B-3128]

Happy to be here for you Tormented. It's very helpful when others share their experiences because it stops you feeling alone, so well done to you for being brave and talking about it. In real life, continuous ranting about your pains is seen to be ugly by many people. Here, it's a lifesaver!

 

As for casual dating, proceed with caution. You sound like a beautiful person and I'm sure that there are people out there who can appreciate that beauty. Just be careful how much validation from them you seek. Seek too much and you can hurt yourself as well as others. Once you get it and remain unfulfilled, you may get a nasty shock as to how much the case is that you are not over the last person. Making people like us is not hard, but often we find that it is making the RIGHT people like us that matters. That said, you seem to have your head screwed on with this and I'm sure you will only get out there when you are ready and less vulnerable from shock and disappointment. Casual dating will be the healthy thing at some point, but be sure to give yourself the time you need to wallow and be misreable. It's something you have to sit through and get done, and it does take time. You owe it to yourself to be careful as you have already been wronged enough.

 

Keep on posting as the others have said. When you can't sleep and your brain is in hyperdrive, post some more. Flush out the thoughts. And when your head is polluted with them once more, do it again. And again. And be prepared to have to keep doing it until all the mental excrement of the psychological trauma has been cleansed. The analogy is fitting given how unpleasant what it is you need to flush out is.

 

Hang in there and keep with the biscuits!

 

B

[B-3128]

Tormented, If you want to know what happened to me, the story is in its own thread... It might make you feel better to know that you're not alone in suffering.

 

B

[Tormented]

As for casual dating, proceed with caution. through and get done, and it does take time. You owe it to yourself to be careful as you have already been wronged enough.

 

Hang in there and keep with the biscuits!

 

B

 

Ha!...strange that you would mention that, B. I've got a date tomorrow morning (I really SHOULD get some sleep!), with a guy a friend of mine knows - says he's a great guy, has had a bad experience a while ago with an ex just like you and me. He's got a Harley and we plan to go riding up to the lake, take a hike, then go for dinner later on.

 

Needless to say, I'm a nervous wreck! I've been talking to him on the phone all week and he seems nice enough...we click well so far, so we'll see what a face-to-face meeting will bring.

 

<GULP!>

 

Also, I had a guy come in to my place of employment (I'm a nurse), and asked me if I enjoy riding horses. Told him I did, use to own 2 years back and I miss them. Turns out he's a part-owner of a guest ranch and invited me to come out and go riding with him. I smiled politely and said I'd think about it. He asked me if it was okay to call me at work. Wasn't sure how to respond to that question, so I quickly nodded my head and said yes, as long as he didn't call often. He seemed satisfied with that answer.

 

It's nice to be getting attention from other men...but to be honest, I just don't know that I'm ready for this just yet. Eventually...hopefully sooner than later, I'll be ready to allow love in to my life again. But right now, if I were to jump in to something, it would be a rebound to fill the void and hurt I'm feeling right now. In other words, I'd be doing to another what my ex did to me. Not good!

 

Wish me luck tomorrow.

 

I'm gonna need it!!!

 

~Tormented~

[Greensleaves]

Good luck, Tormented, sounds all good, really.

Go on the harley and do the horse riding, too. You don't have to proceed any further than just hanging out if you don't want to.

 

I am looking forward to that part again, (the hanging out part; at this particular point in time, I wouldn't be ready for more either...) though as long as I'm still in a transitional phase and looking for a job it is no use, really. Might end up at the other side of the country...

[B-3128]

Someone on this forum said that rebounds were like trying to

walk off a bullet wound. I loved that analogy :-). Look out for yourself Tormented. These guys will be around in a week, and in a month, and in a year. Only when you're ready. Still, definitely go on the Harley ride. At worst you'll just make a new friend.

 

B

[JaneInVegas]

A shoebox makes a good coffin. Put his remains (photos, notes etc.) inside and mourn your loss. Everyone misses losing someone nice. Watch out for the zombie though. Zombies bite and hurt you. Understand that you're not dealing with the same guy anymore. This is someone else.

 

B

 

I think this is the *best* advice I've ever heard of for getting over someone. I'm going to remember this one for future reference (and hopefully will never need to use it for myself!)