My God...I hurt SO bad!!!

[JaneInVegas]

I am so sorry you had to experience this. You've had a lot of good advice, so I'm not going to bother adding to it, except for this: don't ever waste your mental energies trying to figure it out. You can't. Do your best to put it all behind you and move on. Life is too short to try to figure out all the "Why?s".

 

Good luck to you HUGS

[Guest]

Tormented, this is my first time posting so I don't have a username. Your ex clearly has issues, but PLEASE don't blame this on alcohol. I know your mind wants answers and you can't get them. That's probably the hardest part. You want to know WHY, so you come up with reasons in your head. Don't do this! You will likely NEVER understand why he did this. It makes no sense to me or you, I know. It's apparent that you are way better than this girl.

 

My child's father left me to go back to his ex. She was much heavier than me, a theif, liar, you name it. She was also married with children too. Then there's me. Completely devoted, spiritual, sweet to the core, and look who he chose.

 

Some men are addicted to crap. He chooses crap because crap makes him more comfortable. Look at how he can't give up on alcohol in spite of all the consequences with his health and the damage it does to the people who love him. Still, he chooses alcohol.

 

You, young lady, must rise above this. You are better than that. Tell yourself that every day. I used to say it out loud. It really helps (just make sure people can't hear you talking to yourself or they will think you are crazy, lol).

 

Finally, be happy you only gave this guy 7-8 months. There are women in your shoes, who gave their partners DECADES. They wasted so much time with men who are so terrible. Another side thought: I would be weary of a guy who gave me a diamond after only a few months. Those guys seem to have something to prove or cover up. It's very suspicious when things seem THAT perfect in the beginning.

 

DON'T give up on men. If you do, he and the skank will win. You are better than that!!!

 

My name is Monica even though I am listed under "guest". Give me an update!

[indigostrings]

Hey, this is Monica again. I posted earlier as a guest and now I have a username

 

I have a question. Why are you kicking yourself? You met someone and fell in love. That's what people do. He turned out to be a SOB, but what does that have to do with you? You are not a psychic. You gave it a try and he turned out to be all wrong. Stop punishing yourself!!!

 

Oh, I couldn't help noticing what you said about dancing in front of the fireplace! I HATE those kind of memories, because it makes you almost justify all the BS in the relationship. I always find myself remembering this boyfriend I used to have who was a photographer. On a beautiful summer night in 2004 he took almost a hundred pictures of me posing in all sorts of positions. I felt like Rose from Titanic and I felt truly loved. Then we shared a bottle of wine in the woods. Every time I think of that night I want to call the SOB. Be happy for dancing in front of the fire, but remember that he is BAAAAAD news!

 

Muah!

[Tormented]

Someone on this forum said that rebounds were like trying to

walk off a bullet wound. I loved that analogy :-). Look out for yourself Tormented. These guys will be around in a week, and in a month, and in a year. Only when you're ready. Still, definitely go on the Harley ride. At worst you'll just make a new friend.

 

B

 

 

"Rebounds are like walking off a bullet wound." I just HAD to repeat that one, so much truth in it, isn't there? But I'd like to add to that....the walking wounded are armed and dangerous, and if they happen to point their gun your way....DUCK! Unlike the BP, player and manuipulator, their bullet is unintentional...they never MEAN to shoot you, but their bullet hurts just the same. I know, I'm STILL trying to dig one out of my heart. And now I have joined ranks with the "walking wounded." Vicious cycle, isn't it?

 

Went on my date yesterday, B, and had to come here to fill you in. It went well, actually, considering the "bad" place that I'm at. I spent the morning getting ready for our day out...never as hell, barely able to put on my makeup because my hands were shaking so bad, all the while cussing myself for agreeing to this date. Kept telling myself I wasn't ready for this, what the hell was I doing? And the fact that I've never seen this guy (in other words, this was a blind date), added to my chorus line of nerves. Prior to his arrival, I paced the floor, wishing in the worse way that I could run away and escape this whole thing.

 

Okay, he shows up promply on his Harley and I answer the door. THAT was an awkward moment!! He smiled at me and said, "You're prettier than I was told." He then handed me a bouquet of flowers. I stumbled around, trying to find the right words to say. Think I said something in the line of..."Thank you, that's so sweet of you." Yeah, I know...REAL original, eh? :::laughing:::

 

I found him fairly attractive as well, and the fact that he seemed so "gentlemanly" only added to his appeal.

 

We hung out here at my house for a bit, just talking and getting to know each other. He kept staring at me with a smile...which, of course, made me a nervous wreck! I felt so damn awkward...felt like everything I said sounded off-key, and I didn't know what to do with my hands/arms...didn't want to APPEAR as nervous as I felt. Not an easy task!

 

So off we go on his Harley. We drove into a small town here (I live in the mountains, so all the surrounding towns are small), and visited the many antique/gift shops they have there. I pointed out a few things that I thought were cute, and after we left the shop(s), he pulled those items out gave them to me, which really warmed my heart. Couldn't believe he bought whatever it was I liked. We were getting along very well...never seemed to be an awkward silence between us.

 

We then rode up to the lake. The scenery was absolutely beautiful! Could smell the pine trees in the air and the wind felt great to me. We walked by the lake and talked...and at one moment, he reached out and took my hand, a VERY awkward moment for us both. I took his because at this point I felt safe with him, and because I liked the man that he seemed to be. It felt SO strange for me to have physical contact with another man besides my ex. It had been a long time and it will definitely take me some time to get use to it.

 

Our walk and talk along the lake did me some good. I needed it. I got to know this man well by the end of our long walk....I shared with him what I just went through with the ex, he shared with me what he went through (although his breakup was quite awhile ago and he seems to have healed from it). He was extremely supportive of me, told me that by the sounds of it all, I am much better off without my ex and that once the hurt has dulled and the fog has lifted, that I would clearly see my ex for what he is and find myself grateful that I am rid of him.

 

After that, he took me to a nice restraunt and we had a great time. By this time, it was dark so we headed home. He came inside and stayed for another hour or so, visiting with my son, playing with my dogs and iguna, and then decided he'd better head home.

 

I walked him out to his Harley, thanking him for the great time he showed me. He gave me a big hug, then kissed me. THAT was VERY awkward!!! He told me he had a great time with me and would like to see me again if that was okay with me. I told him I think that'd be a good idea and we would make plans for another date when time permits us.

 

Before he left, I asked him to call me when he got home and let me know he made it safely. Within an hour or so, he called me, assured me he made it home okay, and told me again that he had a great time and would like to see me again. He also mentioned calling me sometime today, which I agreed to.

 

I will say that he was a complete gentleman throughout our date and I was grateful for that. Don't think I could've dealt with a man who was pushy at this point. I probably would've run away screaming if that had been the case.

 

Our 'first' date lasted about 9 hours but they were very pleasant. I know I'm no where near ready for anything heavy/serious right now, but I can certainly see how rebounds happen. It would be easy to lean on this guy to comfort me, to take the pain away...but I WON'T do it. I will NOT hurt a good man like this for my own selfish needs. I need to heal first, need to get over my ex before I can truly give myself to another.

 

What really sucks about that is, not only did I waste my time (and myself) on a jerk like my ex, but now I've got to spend MORE time healing because of him. I can't begin another relationship right now, which seems highly unfair as he is in one with his ex-but-now current girlfriend without a second thought of me. So, MORE time will be wasted on him while I heal.

 

I tell you, this battlefield of "love' is quite lethal, ain't it???

 

~Tormented~

[Tormented]

Someone on this forum said that rebounds were like trying to

walk off a bullet wound. I loved that analogy :-). Look out for yourself Tormented. These guys will be around in a week, and in a month, and in a year. Only when you're ready. Still, definitely go on the Harley ride. At worst you'll just make a new friend.

 

B

 

 

"Rebounds are like walking off a bullet wound." I just HAD to repeat that one, so much truth in it, isn't there? But I'd like to add to that....the walking wounded are armed and dangerous, and if they happen to point their gun your way....DUCK! Unlike the BP, player and manuipulator, their bullet is unintentional...they never MEAN to shoot you, but their bullet hurts just the same. I know, I'm STILL trying to dig one out of my heart. And now I have joined ranks with the "walking wounded." Vicious cycle, isn't it?

 

Went on my date yesterday, B, and had to come here to fill you in. It went well, actually, considering the "bad" place that I'm at. I spent the morning getting ready for our day out...never as hell, barely able to put on my makeup because my hands were shaking so bad, all the while cussing myself for agreeing to this date. Kept telling myself I wasn't ready for this, what the hell was I doing? And the fact that I've never seen this guy (in other words, this was a blind date), added to my chorus line of nerves. Prior to his arrival, I paced the floor, wishing in the worse way that I could run away and escape this whole thing.

 

Okay, he shows up promply on his Harley and I answer the door. THAT was an awkward moment!! He smiled at me and said, "You're prettier than I was told." He then handed me a bouquet of flowers. I stumbled around, trying to find the right words to say. Think I said something in the line of..."Thank you, that's so sweet of you." Yeah, I know...REAL original, eh? :::laughing:::

 

I found him fairly attractive as well, and the fact that he seemed so "gentlemanly" only added to his appeal.

 

We hung out here at my house for a bit, just talking and getting to know each other. He kept staring at me with a smile...which, of course, made me a nervous wreck! I felt so damn awkward...felt like everything I said sounded off-key, and I didn't know what to do with my hands/arms...didn't want to APPEAR as nervous as I felt. Not an easy task!

 

So off we go on his Harley. We drove into a small town here (I live in the mountains, so all the surrounding towns are small), and visited the many antique/gift shops they have there. I pointed out a few things that I thought were cute, and after we left the shop(s), he pulled those items out gave them to me, which really warmed my heart. Couldn't believe he bought whatever it was I liked. We were getting along very well...never seemed to be an awkward silence between us.

 

We then rode up to the lake. The scenery was absolutely beautiful! Could smell the pine trees in the air and the wind felt great to me. We walked by the lake and talked...and at one moment, he reached out and took my hand, a VERY awkward moment for us both. I took his because at this point I felt safe with him, and because I liked the man that he seemed to be. It felt SO strange for me to have physical contact with another man besides my ex. It had been a long time and it will definitely take me some time to get use to it.

 

Our walk and talk along the lake did me some good. I needed it. I got to know this man well by the end of our long walk....I shared with him what I just went through with the ex, he shared with me what he went through (although his breakup was quite awhile ago and he seems to have healed from it). He was extremely supportive of me, told me that by the sounds of it all, I am much better off without my ex and that once the hurt has dulled and the fog has lifted, that I would clearly see my ex for what he is and find myself grateful that I am rid of him.

 

After that, he took me to a nice restraunt and we had a great time. By this time, it was dark so we headed home. He came inside and stayed for another hour or so, visiting with my son, playing with my dogs and iguna, and then decided he'd better head home.

 

I walked him out to his Harley, thanking him for the great time he showed me. He gave me a big hug, then kissed me. THAT was VERY awkward!!! He told me he had a great time with me and would like to see me again if that was okay with me. I told him I think that'd be a good idea and we would make plans for another date when time permits us.

 

Before he left, I asked him to call me when he got home and let me know he made it safely. Within an hour or so, he called me, assured me he made it home okay, and told me again that he had a great time and would like to see me again. He also mentioned calling me sometime today, which I agreed to.

 

I will say that he was a complete gentleman throughout our date and I was grateful for that. Don't think I could've dealt with a man who was pushy at this point. I probably would've run away screaming if that had been the case.

 

Our 'first' date lasted about 9 hours but they were very pleasant. I know I'm no where near ready for anything heavy/serious right now, but I can certainly see how rebounds happen. It would be easy to lean on this guy to comfort me, to take the pain away...but I WON'T do it. I will NOT hurt a good man like this for my own selfish needs. I need to heal first, need to get over my ex before I can truly give myself to another.

 

What really sucks about that is, not only did I waste my time (and myself) on a jerk like my ex, but now I've got to spend MORE time healing because of him. I can't begin another relationship right now, which seems highly unfair as he is in one with his ex-but-now current girlfriend without a second thought of me. So, MORE time will be wasted on him while I heal.

 

I tell you, this battlefield of "love' is quite lethal, ain't it???

 

~Tormented~

[Tormented]

When I submitted my post, it appeared that it didn't take so I hit submit again and now my post is up here twice. Sorry about that, folks!

 

Just gotta love technology, eh???

 

~Tormented~

[Tormented]

Thank you, Green.

 

Went on my date and things went very well. Found myself feeling extremely awkward at times, but I got through it okay.

 

I don't know how long my healing process will take, but something tells me I'm in for a looooong haul.

 

If there is any possible way to shorten this process, rest assured I will take that path!!

 

Why can't breakups be like VCR's? We could then "fast forward" through the pain.

 

I wrote a long post to B, telling him what happened on my date. If you've got the time, read through it...tell me what you think.

 

~Tormented~

[Tormented]

don't ever waste your mental energies trying to figure it out. You can't. Do your best to put it all behind you and move on. Life is too short to try to figure out all the "Why?s".

 

A BIG amen to that, Jane.

 

You're absolutely right. It IS a waste of time trying to figure out the "why's." And although most of us know this, it's hard to turn off, isn't it? When you've given somebody a large part of yourself...your heart, your soul, your time and love, only to have it thrown on the ground and stomped on as though it were nothing more than a bug...and done by the person who told you how much they loved you, cherished you, made promises to you...well, it's about more than a person can stand. So, of course you're going to ask all the "why's." Just human nature, especially so where the heart is concerned.

 

Thing is, I guess I could go to him and demand to know why he did what he did to me. Problem here is...would he have the decency to tell me the truth? After the cowardly way he treated me, I guess we both know that this jerk hasn't a decent bone in his body so why would I trust ANYTHING that came out of his mouth to be the truth? Because, quite simply, decent people don't do what he did to me. So...why he did what he did will always remain a mystery and I will just have to accept that and move on. And to be quite honest, I would NEVER ask him why he did what he did because I won't give him the satisfaction of knowing I am torn up by it.

 

Nope, instead I'll stay away from him, try to live my life as well as I can. And in my silence, he'll no doubt wonder at some given point why I haven't contacted him, what and with WHOM am I spending my time...and sooner or later, he will.

 

I think for jerks like our exes, our silence and "moving on" is a huge ego-bruiser for them. The fact that we are not sitting around pining for them, not calling them or begging them, and have basically deleted them from our lives is probably the worst thing we can do to them.

 

Because, when you really stop and think about it....WE loved them. THEY did not love us, or they wouldn't have left us. So really, what have we lost by the breakup? Love? Nope, it wasn't there for us. But there WAS love there for them, wasn't there? So, seems to me they are the ones who lost in all of this. Because love (TRUE love, that is) doesn't come around often in this life.

 

Something our exes will soon discover but it will be too late.

 

~Tormented~

[B-3128]

Awww... cute!

 

Glad you had a nice time T. 9 hour first date.... that's grand! Also glad that you are cautious with respect to rebounding. He sounds like a good guy so be responsible and don't put him through anything he shouldn't have to go through, even if he volunteers. No point wasting potential like that.

 

Also, don't get jealous of your xbf being in a relationship etc. Trust me, however miserable you might be right now, he's even worse. You have the better side of the deal. Of course, it's not exactly the best of deals, but if his new gf is a borderline vampire, then he's really not the luckiest man in the world. You'll be fine and you know it. I know it. I'll be fine too. And hopefully, neither of us will make the same mistake twice. We'll both stay away from borderlines, their victims, and anyone else who's bound to f*ck with our heads. When you're in there, you are blinded to their defects, but slowly you begin to see what you previously couldn't. I just worked out that going on her performance since December, my ex-girlfriend cheats on average once every three months. Next episode in November I expect... What was I doing with someone like that?!?!?!

 

I can't thank you enough for pointing out BPD to me. You have no idea how much that has helped me understand everything. I haven't read any books on it. I am not sure if I should because I want to move on etc. and there is no point in letting the topic of her occupy the time it takes to read 200 pages. Then again, what the hell am I doing here on this forum if that's the case!? hehe. Only human and only hurt I guess. Maybe it will help to read it, just like it helps posting here...

 

Also, don't worry too much about being nervous etc. It's not actually as big a turnoff to guys as you might think. Gives them a sense of confidence and makes them feel like they have achieved something when they finally earn your trust and comfort. You need to be more worried about why you're nervous etc. Anyway, I know you've heard this already, but take it as slow as you have to. It's SO SO SO easy to give in when you're hurt, and even easier if you're female (you don't need to work as hard to get guys as guys do to get girls. You can also be more passive, and so your impared confidence does not create as much of a barrier to action as in a guy's case)!! There's always that voice that is desperate to make the pain go away and is willing to try getting laid to see if that will help. Be responsible and don't listen to it. It's an intense psychological experience for both those involved and not something to be toyed with or taken lightly. I'm sure you'll be fine. :-)

 

B

[Tormented]

Also, don't get jealous of your xbf being in a relationship etc. Trust me, however miserable you might be right now, he's even worse. You have the better side of the deal. Of course, it's not exactly the best of deals, but if his new gf is a borderline vampire, then he's really not the luckiest man in the world.

 

I just worked out that going on her performance since December, my ex-girlfriend cheats on average once every three months. Next episode in November I expect... What was I doing with someone like that?!?!?!

 

I can't thank you enough for pointing out BPD to me. You have no idea how much that has helped me understand everything. I haven't read any books on it. I am not sure if I should because I want to move on etc. and there is no point in letting the topic of her occupy the time it takes to read 200 pages. Then again, what the hell am I doing here on this forum if that's the case!? hehe. Only human and only hurt I guess. Maybe it will help to read it, just like it helps posting here...

 

Anyway, I know you've heard this already, but take it as slow as you have to. It's SO SO SO easy to give in when you're hurt, and even easier if you're female (you don't need to work as hard to get guys as guys do to get girls. You can also be more passive, and so your impared confidence does not create as much of a barrier to action as in a guy's case)!! There's always that voice that is desperate to make the pain go away and is willing to try getting laid to see if that will help. Be responsible and don't listen to it. It's an intense psychological experience for both those involved and not something to be toyed with or taken lightly. I'm sure you'll be fine. :-)

 

B

 

B...

 

Oh, my ex is involved with a borderline vampire alright. In fact, she's your classic text book case if there ever was one! And you know what? I take pleasure in knowing that. Not very nice of me, I know, but this jerk has it coming. And the thing is...the first time he was involved with her and she put him through hell, he had received an outpouring of sympathy and support from his friends, co-workers and family. Because, when you get involved with somebody who turns out to be a horrible person, except...you don't know that until much later in the relationship, most people will sympathize with you, will offer you support and compassion because it can happen to anybody, and often does. Most people KNOW what it's like, how painful it can be.

 

But...if you choose to go back to that "horrible" person after KNOWING what they are capable of, you will find yourself standing alone with NO sympathetic ears being offered. People will usually shake their heads in disgust because this time, you are fully aware of what you're walking into and choose to do so anyway. This time, you can't say you didn't know what this person was like. In other words, you haven't a leg to stand on when this person does it again.

 

I know his friends and family hated her for what she did to him. I heard the "horror" story so many times (mostly from him) that I was sick of hearing her name. Eventually, she will do it to him again (not a question of if, but WHEN), but my guess is he'll have to bleed alone because he's lost the respect of everybody.

 

Tsk, tsk...shame, isn't it??? <wicked grin>

 

The past 2 days, my son and I have been getting a lot of "hang up" calls. Whether it's him or not, I don't know but my gut hunch says that it is. He's done this before in the past when we split up, and history usually repeats itself. I don't know where his head is, if he's still with her or not, and to be honest, I really don't care. I want NOTHING to do with him at this point. I still hurt like hell, but at least I'm sleeping a little better now. It's getting a little easier to cope with, but a part of me feels that some permanent damage was done...a change (a death?) within me that will never be restored again. Sometimes, I find myself thinking back on things we did together, how happy we SEEMED to be, things he said and did...and STILL can't believe he did what he did to me. I guess what hurts the most is that, not only were we lovers, but we were the best of friends as well. We did everything together, shared every thought/dream/sorrow/fear/past experiences/hopes...you name it. How in the hell, B, does he live with himself KNOWING what he did to me, how badly he hurt me? If I had done to him, or to ANYBODY, what he did to me, the guilt would be eating me alive right now. I can assure you that I would do everything in my power to help ease the pain that I caused. Or, at least, try to apologize or explain why I did what I did, especially if I loved (love) this person (as he said he did me), and never intended to hurt them. Then again, that last day I saw him I pointed at him as I was walking away and told him to "never call me again." And he knows me well enough to know how much this has hurt me and how stubborn I can be. Perhaps he wants to call, perhaps he wishes there was a way he could talk to me, explain what happened...who knows? But more importantly, does it really matter at this point?

 

So, he's stuck with his vampire now because I'm gone. He'd better pray that it works this time (yeah, right...with a Borderline vampire???), because if it doesn't, he's gonna find himself one lonely man. He had a good woman, he blew it. He's got nothing coming to him now. And if he finds himself miserable down the road (which you and I both know he will), he's got nobody but himself to blame.

 

B, I'm so glad my pointing out BPD has helped you, I was hoping it would. I know it doesn't erase the pain entirely....didn't think it would when I pointed this disorder out. But I thought perhaps if you knew what was REALLY going on with her, it would take some of the sting out. That maybe you would stop beating yourself up over this, stop blaming yourself for the demise of this relationship. I hope you now realize that no matter what you did or said, the result would have been the same. She'll break the heart of this new guy as well...it's a guarantee. When it comes to borderlines, every day with them is unpredictable. The ONLY thing that IS predictable with these sick pups is the fact that they WILL break the hearts of those who care for them. God help those who are in love with them. Little do these poor souls know that they have just entered the foyer of hell and the journey in will only get worse and more horrific. And very few victims escape this hell unscathed.

 

I really think you should buy a book or 2 on this disorder. Not to understand her because, hopefully, you have washed your hands on this loser. But more so to protect yourself from future borderlines who may cross your path. The more you understand about this disorder, the better you can armor yourself against future pain such as the one you're going through now. They say knowledge is power...and in this case, that's doubly so. So arm yourself, B. Protect yourself from the vampires.

 

Yes, I will take things slow with this new guy. He has called me 3 times since our date on Saturday. He even rode into my town yesterday with some friends and stopped in the deli my son works at to wish my son a "Happy Birthday," as it was his birthday yesterday. He called me from the deli and asked me to drive down there because he wanted me to meet his friends. Does this mean he's interested in me, B? I did....I was a nervous wreck doing so, but things went well. His friends were very friendly, very nice to me. I am beginning to like this man more. He treats me well, is a complete gentleman with me, isn't being pushy, and is fully aware of what I have recently gone through with my ex. I have been completely honest with him, told him I was still licking my wounds, was still going through the pain and he seems to understand this.

 

So, I guess I'll just enjoy the friendship/company of this man. But, if I feel he is getting too attached or too involved with me, then I will back off because I do NOT want him to get hurt. He's a good man and doesn't deserve it.

 

You know what really pisses me off, B? Here is a good man before me and I will probably lose an opportunity to be in a good relationship because of what my ex did. My relationship with him has been VERY costly...in more ways than one.

 

Ooooh...how I HOPE she rips his heart out!

 

Boy...do I sound bitter this morning, huh? Not good!

 

~Tormented~

 

 

[Jec]

... alcoholics are the biggest liars of all. they lie to their family. they lie to their friends. they lie to their colleagues. they lie to their doctors. and they lie to themselves. so it's pretty easy, actually, for them to lie to you. and of course when you love someone, you believe what you want to believe and you're a soft target.

 

after 2 and a half years of putting up with an alcoholic who has always treated me like ****, i know what i'm talking about. he has always come back to me in the past, begging me to see him again. but now he's met someone else and i am trying to realise that this time he won't come back. he lied to me throughout the entire 9 months it took him to get the stupid bitch into bed (and she is a stupid bitch, whilst that's sour grapes, it's also the truth: she knows me, she knows what he's like and she has a boyfriend back in germany that she wants to marry anyway) and then the minute she put out, he just stopped calling.

 

the main thing which i am clinging to, which might help you, is this:

 

he is not a good person. he is a black hole sucking all my happiness, money, friends etc. he will never be happy, and he will never be reliable, and he will always make anyone else unhappy. although your heart and your pride hurt, and it sucks that he is the one who deserves to be alone, you are actually better off without him.

 

and in 6 months time, you won't feel like this!

 

hope it helps...

[B-3128]

He's gotta be interested in you if he invited you to meet his friends and put the effort in with his son. Think about it... it's the #1 way to win brownie points with a single mother. Like the eyes are a window to the soul, the child is the window to the loins of a SM. Cheeky ;-) No offence intended, but it's what I'd do if I wanted in with someone like you. Shower with support.

 

I am not so sure of your strategy. I wouldn't wait and see if he gets too close and then backing away. Just avoid the possibility until it is no longer an issue. He sounds like a good guy, but you really need some time. You know this, but it's so easy to buckle when someone is so nice to you and you are in a weakened state. He WILL get too close if you let him. He wants to. So I'm not sure what the best idea is. You don't want to lose your chance, but at the same time, you recognize the value of what stands before you. Like finding a ton of gold when you're stuck in the desert. So valuable in a different context. Try and carry it with you and you'll never get to the oasis to survive and spend it. Move on and someone else might get it before you get back from the watering hole. I think the best thing to do is just take the risk. Rather poor and in one piece than be a guilded corpse.

 

He is a good guy, but he is also your responsibility. People have free will, but they are weak. That means you need to look after them and keep them out of harm's way. You could try and be blunt - agree to start dating in 60 days or something (set yourself a target that suits you). Jewish couples keep away from each other (NC) for a month (or something) before their wedding night. And I bet they have a blast when they finally get together. Fixed time frame is good because it gives you something to look forward to. And if he thinks it is unreasonable, then hey - if he thinks that being chaste for that long is too much to ask, then it's clearly not love at first sight and you're not "the one" etc., so no worries if he breaks his end of the deal. Saves you 3 years or something before it ends in tears. That's my suggestion anyway, but I don't know the guy or you personally. It's a weird idea, but I think it's the easiest way, and he shouldn't have difficulty understanding the logic.

 

What do you think?

 

I think I'll read the eggshells book. As you say, I'll gain something from it.

 

And you do sound bitter this morning! Careful, you don't want to come crashing down into sorrow and end up on biscuits again

 

B

[Tormented]

... alcoholics are the biggest liars of all. they lie to their family. they lie to their friends. they lie to their colleagues. they lie to their doctors. and they lie to themselves.

 

he has always come back to me in the past, begging me to see him again. but now he's met someone else and i am trying to realise that this time he won't come back.

 

although your heart and your pride hurt, and it sucks that he is the one who deserves to be alone, you are actually better off without him.

 

and in 6 months time, you won't feel like this!

 

hope it helps...

 

Hello Jec,

 

Yep, alcoholics are monsters to deal with, for sure. Selfish, manipulative, deceitful are just a few of a long list that applies to them. In my case, however, I firmly believe that I was dealing with a sociopath. Alcoholism is one of several symptoms of sociopathism...a disorder that prohibits one from feeling any guilt for the wrong they've done to others. They see people as objects to be used for self gain and nothing more. In fact, they are quite skilled at rationalizing their behavior and will go so far as to blame their victims for what has happened. Oh, and don't let me forget to mention charm. They can charm the birds out of the trees...become whatever it is they THINK will please you - will gain your trust. And once that trust is gotten, watch out! You won't even see it coming.

 

So, you don't think your ex will be back? Don't count on it! Men (and women) like this tend to burn their bridges...their whole life is a trail of burned bridges. And if the THINK there is still a bridge they can cross, they most certainly will. When Ms "Stupid" gets a gut full of him (and eventually she will, just as everybody else in his life does), he will be crossing over that bridge back to you with a fresh basket of lies to hand you. And THIS time, I hope you tell him where he can stick that basket!

 

Don't worry that your statements or feelings sound like, as you put it, "sour grapes." Hey, you've got the right to feel that way right now. I COMPLETELY understand where you're coming from, believe me!

 

Yes, Jec...we are alone right now, but you know what? We are free to pursue a healthy relationship with a mate that will treat us well as we deserve. So, being alone for a little while is a small price to pay for what we'll receive in the long run, wouldn't you say?

 

And our exes? Hell, they'll still be playing their sick little games years down the line. They will remain miserable as a result, and will no doubt spread misery to those around them.

 

Dear God how I pity their future victims.

 

Thank you for your response, Jec. Yes, it did help and I very much appreciate it.

 

Keep yer chin up, girl!!!

 

~Tormented~

[Tormented]

He's gotta be interested in you if he invited you to meet his friends and put the effort in with his son. Think about it... it's the #1 way to win brownie points with a single mother.

 

He sounds like a good guy, but you really need some time. You know this, but it's so easy to buckle when someone is so nice to you and you are in a weakened state. He WILL get too close if you let him. He wants to. So I'm not sure what the best idea is.

 

He is a good guy, but he is also your responsibility. People have free will, but they are weak. That means you need to look after them and keep them out of harm's way. You could try and be blunt - agree to start dating in 60 days or something. Fixed time frame is good because it gives you something to look forward to. And if he thinks it is unreasonable, then hey - if he thinks that being chaste for that long is too much to ask, then it's clearly not love at first sight and you're not "the one" etc., It's a weird idea, but I think it's the easiest way, and he shouldn't have difficulty understanding the logic.

 

What do you think?

 

I think I'll read the eggshells book. As you say, I'll gain something from it.

 

And you do sound bitter this morning! Careful, you don't want to come crashing down into sorrow and end up on biscuits again

 

B

 

Hey B...

 

Please forgive my grumpiness this morning. Not sure why, but I woke up with him on my mind, and instead of feeling sad, I was filled with anger...a DEEP anger. Don't know where it came from. I've been doing well the past 2 days, actually, and then this came up and bit me on the butt. Well, I suppose I should expect this. It's like being on an emotional roller coaster...up, down...up, down. This is hell.

 

Especially so if I have to start reaching for biscuits again!

 

Got an update on the ex today. Apparently, the husband of this woman that now lives with my ex came in to my son's work today and mentioned that he had to move his wife's "junk" to her "new" residence. My son spoke up and said that I was the ex girlfriend of his wife's boyfriend. My son told him that my ex 'screwed me over' but that I was doing well. The husband told my son..."you know what? Screw them both. They deserve each other!" He also told my son that he is filing for a divorce, and even refers to her as his "ex wife" already. My son said the husband is doing fine, in fact, he said he is relieved she is gone because she has done this to him 5 times now and he's tired of it. He told my son that she got on the phone and bragged to him that my ex bought her a convertable car. How's that for disgusting? My son said the husband shook his head and said..."so, she left me for a convertable car."

 

This tells me that my ex KNOWS she is capable of leaving him so now he's trying to coax her to stay by buying her things. He KNOWS he can't come back to me - I told him to never call me again.

 

So...that's the update on this "prime-time drama." Unreal, huh?

 

As for the new man in my life...he continues to call me everyday and writes me sweet emails. He said his friends like me very much and told him they thought I was a "keeper."

 

Uh-oh.

 

This is SO hard, B. I do like this man, I really do. During his phone conversation with me today, he mentioned several things that led me to believe that he has plans to stick around for awhile. He talked of future motorclyle rides. He talked of fixing a sliding door in my house that isn't working properly. He talked of bringing wood here for fire this winter. He talked of getting better snow tires so he can make it up to me when it snows.

 

But he's not doing it in a pushy way...when I fall silent, so does he. He will then change the subject, say something funny to break the sudden ice.

 

I think what I need to do is have a very long talk with him. I want to explain that I like him very much, and I enjoy his company very much. BUT...I am healing right now from a VERY painful breakup of which I was treated horribly. That I had to deal with the ultimate betrayal and I am having a hard time trusting ANY man right now. I'm going to tell him that I feel he is a good man, and because of this, I don't want him to get hurt. I'm going to ask him if he will give me time to heal, to regain my trust once again, for however long it takes. I'm going to tell him that until I do this, I can't give of myself 100%, and that it's not fair to him. I will tell him that if he can't settle for it, or doesn't want to wait around while I heal, then I understand if he decides to move on.

 

I am in a very bad place right now, and you're right...I have to take responsibility. There is enough hurt in the world and I don't want to add to it...especially so for an innocent.

 

Does this sound like a good idea?

 

I'm glad you have decided to read a book, or few, on the subject of BPD. If anything, it will protect you from future encounters with these gawd-awful women!

 

How are you feeling, B? Is it getting any better?

 

~Tormented~

[B-3128]

Biscuits eh? Bad sign. I recommend fig rolls if I haven't done said so already.

 

I am doing ok I guess. I am slowly (perhaps too slowly) but surely getting back into studying again. Studying is a particularly vulnerable vocation to things like emotional stress because it requires complete mastery of your thoughts. I had no problem doing my job this summer because of all that happened. It's only when I need to concentrate and train my brain that things get difficult.

 

Like you, I am still experiencing the medley of assorted emotions. I get angry, then sad, then angry again etc., and all the while, I'm just watching myself being all these things and wishing I could control it. Sadly, I can't. Just trying to ride it out. Been NC for a while now and I am finding that it is really really helping. So far, it is easy because she's gone travelling. In a week or so, she will return. That's something I'm dreading because it increases the probability that she will get in touch. I have until then to formulate a plan. I'm not sure whether to just ignore her 100% and not answer any messages, or send her a reply saying that I don't want to talk etc. I'm leaning on the ignore 100% option because that achieves the same result but without any painful dialogue. Then, I'll feel bad ignoring her because it's rude. I think it might be the only way. It just feels like master-slave, and that she's always trying to break my spirit into admitting that I'm wrong, she's right, and giving her total submission. I don't really want that. I don't think I can get through to her because she's so messed in the head. I'm leaning on the ignore 100% option, like she's not there. I know that she'll tell me off for doing that if any dialogue arises. She'll preach about how she sent me a birthday present after I dumped her etc. But you know, she wouldn't promise to read a letter I wrote her after she cheated on me. She said it was her free choice and that it would hurt her, so she didn't want to promise. Bi+ch. Fkuc her. If she says anything, I'll tell her to "just drop it and stop going on about it", just like she says to me whenever I mention how bad I feel about what she put me through. To hell with her. You know, she won't even mention it. Why? Because I'm not gonna speak to her. What am I worrying about?! Heh, this is a post to you, but here I go talking to myself... What's your view? Can you see how much she's instilled in me a fear of her? I always think through how she'll tell me off etc. for what I do, always hold myself accountable etc. Hell, it's like I fear her more than I do God. That's so not healthy. Abusive. Quite sinful too. She's my golden calf!!

 

I ordered the eggshells book. From the Amazon reviews, it appears to be a pretty good manual on how to keep yourself safe from people like her. Just what I need.

 

As for this guy, I think you'll rebound into him. You would probably have just bounded into him normally anyway, but when you rebound into him, you will be laden with the burden of uncertainty over whether you rebounded into him or not. You're only human though, and as humans, we can't expect to get it right everytime. If he plays it right, he'll have you during your long chat. All he needs to do is give a great display of how unpushy he is. You say "let's wait", he says "yes, and let's wait even longer". You say "I need time", he'll say "sure, let's give it 7 years and 7 days". 7 seconds later, you'll be making out. It's elementary womancraft. Known in seduction circles as a freezeout. Drives women crazy! Watch out for it as you are female and vulnerable to this. There's nothing a girl finds as offputting as a guy who piles the pressure on. Do the opposite and you win. From a guy's point of view, he's making a mistake calling you everyday. It's obviously making you feel under pressure etc. If he wants in, he should be calling maybe every 2 or 3 days instead, or even waiting for you to call him. He'd stand a better chance if he went at your pace. Of course, I'm just some guy over the internet and I don't know you two personally, so take it with a pinch of salt. Anyways, back to the books. Let me know what you make of this!

 

B

[Greensleaves]

Hey Tormented,

haven't been online for a while and will be gone again for a few more days.

I actually think you progressed already and I think it is great that you like the guy. As long as you take it at your own pace, you should be fine. He for sure sounds good.

And I am happy, too, that your ex will get what he deserves, jeez, if he rather prefers that woman who screwed her husband over five times than it is his loss, really.

I am personally trying to stop asking the why questions after I talked to my ex on the phone the other day. The reasons he gave sounded so flimsy that it almost broke my heart again. No need for that. At least he sounded less like an aszhole when we spoke which makes healing as such maybe more difficult but then again at least I can tell myself there was nothing I could have done or foreseen.

Hey, even though I think it is really good that you take it slowly and on top of it being very upfront and honest with this new guy, I think you shouldn't rule anything out just because you are afraid it might be a rebound. If you truly like him and I am sure you will find out sooner or later, then maybe you would have liked him anyway no matter what happened before. I guess just pay attention to what your heart tells you and you will be fine. I am definitely happy that he is a decent guy, so no matter what you decide, you are not running into the risk of getting screwed again and as you are a honest person, neither does he.

So all in all good work, Tormented!

[Tormented]

Like you, I am still experiencing the medley of assorted emotions. I get angry, then sad, then angry again etc., and all the while, I'm just watching myself being all these things and wishing I could control it. Sadly, I can't.

 

That's something I'm dreading because it increases the probability that she will get in touch. I have until then to formulate a plan. I'm not sure whether to just ignore her 100% and not answer any messages, or send her a reply saying that I don't want to talk etc.

 

It just feels like master-slave, and that she's always trying to break my spirit into admitting that I'm wrong, she's right, and giving her total submission. I don't really want that.

 

But you know, she wouldn't promise to read a letter I wrote her after she cheated on me. She said it was her free choice and that it would hurt her, so she didn't want to promise.

 

Heh, this is a post to you, but here I go talking to myself... What's your view? Can you see how much she's instilled in me a fear of her?

I ordered the eggshells book. From the Amazon reviews, it appears to be a pretty good manual on how to keep yourself safe from people like her. Just what I need.

 

As for this guy, I think you'll rebound into him. You would probably have just bounded into him normally anyway, but when you rebound into him, you will be laden with the burden of uncertainty over whether you rebounded into him or not.

 

All he needs to do is give a great display of how unpushy he is. You say "let's wait", he says "yes, and let's wait even longer". You say "I need time", he'll say "sure, let's give it 7 years and 7 days". 7 seconds later, you'll be making out. It's elementary womancraft. Known in seduction circles as a freezeout. Drives women crazy!

 

From a guy's point of view, he's making a mistake calling you everyday. If he wants in, he should be calling maybe every 2 or 3 days instead, or even waiting for you to call him. He'd stand a better chance if he went at your pace.

 

B

 

Hey B...

 

I can see you're torn about what you should do upon her return. You seem fairly certain she'll contact you (so am I), so here's my advice....

 

DO NOT TALK TO HER UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES!!!!

 

I'm serious, B...you are NOT strong enough to withstand her manipulation right now. It'd be too easy to get caught into her web. You've made this much progress, you've got too much on the line (studying for a better future), to have it all wiped away by a psychotic b*tch like her!!

 

And forget about your fear of appearing "rude" because you don't want to talk to her. Screw that!!! Did she give a damn about YOUR feelings after stomping on your heart the way she did??? Has she sat up at night wondering how you're doing, what you're doing, how you're coping with it all...or the fact that you've been reduced down to nibbling on biscuits?? Has she sat up at night crying, has she lost even a second of sleep over this???

 

What do you think??

 

C'mon, B. You know what you have to do, don't you? There really IS no decision to make. You can NOT talk to her, see her...nothing! As you once advised me (and very good advice it was), so I shall advise the same to you...

 

SHE IS DEAD. SHE NO LONGER EXISTS. SHE IS A ZOMBIE. THIS ZOMBIE WILL LOOK LIKE HER, ACT LIKE HER, SPEAK LIKE HER. BUT IT IS NOT THE WOMAN WHOM YOU THOUGHT SHE WAS. BUT WATCH OUT FOR ZOMBIES. THEY CAN AND WILL HURT YOU. STAY AWAY...FAR, FAR AWAY. DON'T LOOK BACK, BECAUSE TO DO SO GIVES THE ZOMBIE TIME TO CATCH UP TO YOU. IT IS WHAT THE ZOMBIE WANTS YOU TO DO...TO LOOK BACK. THE ZOMBIE NEEDS YOUR ASSISTANCE TO HURT YOU...DO NOT OFFER THAT ASSISTANCE. INSTEAD, LOVE YOURSELF ENOUGH TO STAY AWAY FROM THE ZOMBIE. THE ZOMBIE DOES NOT LOVE YOU, SO YOU MUST LOVE YOURSELF.

 

I know, B, that the above statement is blunt...but sometimes that's what we need in order to see clearly. You HAVE to gather the strength to resist her half-assed attempts to woo you back in. Let her be somebody else's heartache...you've had enough abuse and you do NOT deserve it. She can't come in if you lock the door. LOCK IT NOW AND DO NOT ANSWER IT!!

 

As for her not promising to read your letter because "it is her free choice and it would hurt her" amounts to one big line of BS. For starters, it should have been HER, not you, writing that letter! It was SHE, not YOU, who lied and cheated, and if she honestly loved you as she said she did, she would have been writing that letter the night you found out. She would have been distressed over hurting you that way. She would have wanted to right her wrong, would have worried about the pain it caused you. HER CHOICE?? Whatever... IT WOULD HURT HER??? Excuse me??? SHE'S not the victim here, YOU ARE! YOU are the wounded party here, not her...try as she may. I'm sorry, B, but that isn't even a good cop out. Very transparent from where I'm sitting.

 

Whatever you do, do NOT write anymore letters to her. She doesn't deserve the price paid for the paper or ink. She doesn't deserve it...

 

I'm a little curious as to what you mean about me "rebounding into" this new guy. Do you mean that he'll become a rebound for me, or that it will initially be a rebound but eventually become something more meaningful?

 

A "freezeout?"

 

Hmmmm...not a term I've ever heard before. Can you elaborate on it just a bit more? Especially so if it's something I need to watch out for. I don't think it's something he's using right now, but you just never know.

 

He continues to call daily, which I'm beginning to look forward to. It's my birthday this Friday and he has mentioned doing something "special" for it. We both work, so I don't know what he'd have in mind.

 

As for backing off some and calling me only ever 2-3 days, at this point I don't know that it would be a good move for him. I'd figure he was losing interest and would probably stop talking to him. So, I guess I'm glad he's calling as much as he is.

 

BUT...I am still VERY aware of the bad place I'm at, and the fact that my "defensive" walls are VERY high right now. I'm terrified to allow anybody in right now, I honestly don't have the strength (or trust) to deal with a heavy or serious relationship now.

 

I'm doing a little better today, better that I was yesterday...but I have come to learn that it goes from day to day. About the time I think I'm doing much better, am honestly "getting over it," WHAM....I get hit with a strong wave of sadness or anger. And it seems to come from nowhere and when I least expect it.

 

I wonder how long this will go on? How long will it effect me? How long will it be before I can let my walls down and love again? How long before I can honestly know happiness again?

 

God...there are days I hate him, B.

 

Can't help it.....

 

~Tormented~

[Tormented]

Hey Green,

 

I've a lot to say in response to your post, but unfortunately I've got to get back to work now (I'm on my lunchbreak), but I plan to to post a response to you when I get home tonight.

 

Hope your day is going good!!!

 

~Tormented~

[B-3128]

In answer to your questions...

 

1) No - she didn't give a damn about my feelings after stomping on my heart the way she did.

2) No - she has not sat up at night wondering how I am and how I am coping, or indeed, my biscuit eating. She seems quite unrepentant, frustrated with me, and thinks I deserved it (bi+ch)

3) No - she said nothing about crying or losing sleep. Probably too busy doing the other guy to have time for that at night.

 

Thanks for bouncing back my own logic at me. When it's you and you're in there, it's very different to when you're looking objectively at someone else's situation. Logic sometimes escapes you. I guess that's why dialogue helps. I really can't see myself telling someone in my situation to accept contact, but even so, I still need telling from someone else when it's me in the firing line!!!

 

She was a complete bi+ch re: the letter, I agree. She's not even a good friend. When you ask a friend to meet you somewhere, sure it's their free choice, but they consider your wishes and do you the favour. I think she's the closest thing I have to an enemy at the moment really. Nobody else would treat me like that. As for writing again, I doubt I'll be doing that. I will take your advice and follow strict NC from now on. If she REALLY REALLY wants to reach me, there are ways such as writing email/letters. And if she does that, I will symbolically wait 24 hours before reading to relegate her in importance. Symbolism is important for me. She'll be like one of those lecture list emails or something.

 

As for what I mean by rebounding into this new guy, well, let me explain more clearly.

 

1) You are bound to be at least partially motivated about this new guy by hope of forgetting your pain from the last guy.

 

2) Is this a bad thing? Depends. Three things could happen.

 

2A) You get with him and then start questioning your motives, how much you really like him, whether you're just there because you were vulnerable and hopeful etc. The result: A classic rebound case.

 

2B) Things go great, you get through your pain swiftly once you realise how great things could be for you and all becomes fine and dandy.

 

2C) Things would not have worked out anyway, rebound or no rebound.

 

Motivation by pain just adds an element of risk. The more of it there is,

the more likely situation 2A is. Even so, it is always a gamble and 2B and 2C can happen too, irrespectively.

 

Just do your best.

 

FREEZEOUTS

Society generally conditions women to be cautious about sex. That's why they always throw up comments like "this is moving too fast" etc. Of course, inside, they have a sex drive that rivals that of men. Basically, the female mind gets trained to be resistant to men pushing to get laid. There is little training to resist those who are not, and that is when the female sex drive is liable to overpower the woman's logic. So, you're not likely to do anything you are not ready for if he is pushy, but if he is not, you are more likely to be "led into temptation" . When a girl gives the "let's slow down" line, the best thing to do if you want to continue action is to say "fine, I respect when a woman says no" and back away completely and act as though nothing happened. She'll bounce straight back like a tennis ball. Basically, just be careful and watch out that your sex drive doens't get the better of you is all that I'm trying to say. Go easy on yourself and wait until you're ready.

 

I can relate to the waves of anger/sadness thing. I get those all the time. I also get quite uneasy when I feel fine because I know the feeling ok will end sooner or later. So, if it's any comfort, it's not just you!!! I suppose how long it takes you to get through it all depends on you as a person. I have only a little experience with this stuff, which is why it is taking me a long time to get through. That said, if I could do it again, I would not even have said anything at the airport. I would have walked away and NCd straight away like you did. I think you'll make it to the wall breaking before I do because you have dealt with it all better. The important thing is that YOU WILL make it and so will I!!!

 

Hang in there and keep posting!

 

B

[Tormented]

I can relate to the waves of anger/sadness thing. I get those all the time. I also get quite uneasy when I feel fine because I know the feeling ok will end sooner or later. So, if it's any comfort, it's not just you!!! I suppose how long it takes you to get through it all depends on you as a person. I have only a little experience with this stuff, which is why it is taking me a long time to get through. That said, if I could do it again, I would not even have said anything at the airport. I would have walked away and NCd straight away like you did. I think you'll make it to the wall breaking before I do because you have dealt with it all better. The important thing is that YOU WILL make it and so will I!!!

 

B

 

Hey B...I haven't been on here for a couple of days. Not sure why, but I've been down here lately, REALLY down. Maybe because it was my birthday yesterday, maybe because the full impact of all that happened with my ex has finally hit (a delayed reaction)...don't know but it sucks!

 

Couldn't help but wonder what my ex would've gotten me yesterday if we were still together, what we would've done together to celebrate it. Hell, I doubt if he even knew it was my birthday yesterday. Too busy with his psycho BPD to even give me I thought. Can't help but wonder if he sometimes thinks of me, if the times we shared even crosses his mind now and then, even if just for a fleeting moment. Stupid, I know...but there it is.

 

I don't know what's wrong with me. The sadness (downright depression) has hit me like a tidal wave and it's like I'm paddling like hell to keep from drowning. I can't seem to crawl out of it. I hate this...

 

And speaking of my ex's psycho BPD, looks like she's up to her game-playing tricks...AGAIN. According to her husband, she called him and bragged that my ex bought her a new convertable car. Well, my son saw her in town yesterday driving my ex's car, which is a convertable, but that is HIS car, not hers. In fact, he bought it when he and I were together. So apparently, she told her husband this lie to upset him, to play head games with him.

 

Well, you know...that's the ONE consistant thing about BPD's. They will always LIE/CHEAT/DECEIVE/PLAY HEAD GAMES.

 

And I've no doubt she will turn it on my ex. She's most likely playing it cool with him right now, especially so now that she has no place else to go.

 

But sooner or later, she'll screw him.

 

Good...he deserves it!

 

I hope things are going well with you, B. I certainly hope you're in a better place than I am right now.

 

~Tormented~

[Tormented]

And I am happy, too, that your ex will get what he deserves, jeez, if he rather prefers that woman who screwed her husband over five times than it is his loss, really.

I am personally trying to stop asking the why questions after I talked to my ex on the phone the other day. The reasons he gave sounded so flimsy that it almost broke my heart again. No need for that. At least he sounded less like an aszhole when we spoke which makes healing as such maybe more difficult but then again at least I can tell myself there was nothing I could have done or foreseen.

Hey, even though I think it is really good that you take it slowly and on top of it being very upfront and honest with this new guy, I think you shouldn't rule anything out just because you are afraid it might be a rebound. If you truly like him and I am sure you will find out sooner or later, then maybe you would have liked him anyway no matter what happened before. I guess just pay attention to what your heart tells you and you will be fine. I am definitely happy that he is a decent guy, so no matter what you decide, you are not running into the risk of getting screwed again and as you are a honest person, neither does he.

So all in all good work, Tormented!

 

Hey Green,

 

I am sorry it took me awhile to respond to your post the way I wanted to, but as I told B earlier, I'm going through a bit of a depression right now. Not sure what's wrong or why it is hitting me so hard now. No reason for it, really, other than the fact that the ex has been heavily on my mine the past few days and I'm frustrated with it. Angers me when he takes up space and energy in my brain because he certainly doesn't deserve it. Doesn't deserves so much as a second of my time, never mind a few days!

 

Don't know if you read my ealier post to B, but his "new" Borderline Personality girlfriend is once again playing her sick, twisted games. She called her husband and bragged to him that my ex bought her a convertable car. Well, my son saw her driving through town yesterday in my ex's car, which is a convertable, but that is his car, not hers, that he bought when he and I were still together. So, she basically lied to her husband about the car...most likely to make him jealous/upset/hurt..who knows? But I think it's SICK to further hurt this man anymore than she has. How's that for evil???

 

But I do take solace in the fact that I KNOW she'll do it to my ex as well. She did it to him in the past, and she'll do it again. Not right away...she can't afford to because she has nowhere else to go. But the minute she thinks she has an edge, she WILLL screw him again. She's got a long history of doing this and I've no doubt history will repeat itself.

 

As for the new guy I'm seeing, he continues to call everyday as promised and we are getting to know each other better. I'm taking my time with it because I'm still licking my wounds and am not sure if I want to invest the energy in another relationship right now. I sometimes wonder if it's worth the risk of having your heart broken.

 

Can't blame you for not wanting to ponder on all the "why" questions. They'll drive you nuts, that's for sure. I will NEVER ask my ex "why," because really, any half-assed answer he gives me will NEVER justify what he did to me. Nothing he could say or do to help ease my pain or satisfy me, so why ask? Instead, I will look to time (and lots of it) to bring me the cure I need. Not the easy way, for sure, but the best.

 

I do hope I crawl out of this funk soon. Not a good place to be.

 

~Tormented~

[B-3128]

Hey B...I haven't been on here for a couple of days. Not sure why, but I've been down here lately, REALLY down. Maybe because it was my birthday yesterday, maybe because the full impact of all that happened with my ex has finally hit (a delayed reaction)...don't know but it sucks!

 

Hmm… I kinda know what you mean. I find it hits in stages. Some are easier than others. They’re all different. Right now, I’m so so angry! I’m so pis5ed off with her it’s insane. I don’t think I’ve been this angry about it before. I wrote a really caustic letter to her today. It’s really rude, frank, and embracing of my negative feelings of anger. I normally suppress them, but I think you have to give people the full view of yourself. I’ve had enough repression. Of course, I haven’t sent the email. I want nothing to do with her. Still, it helped me. The more time passes, the more I realise how horrible she was and the angrier I get. The whole thing was so abusive. She was so sulky and my feelings were just relegated. It was taboo for me to be upset because of self-respect/pride/anything. She expected total subordination. **** that! It’s not the smoothest path to follow, but it’s the only one. The emotional rollercoaster….

 

Couldn't help but wonder what my ex would've gotten me yesterday if we were still together, what we would've done together to celebrate it. Hell, I doubt if he even knew it was my birthday yesterday. Too busy with his psycho BPD to even give me I thought. Can't help but wonder if he sometimes thinks of me, if the times we shared even crosses his mind now and then, even if just for a fleeting moment. Stupid, I know...but there it is.

 

 

Not stupid. Only person who’s stupid is you for thinking it’s stupid to think this!!! It’s fine. You would have a problem if in your relationship, there was nothing that you missed. There are inevitably good times amid the 5hit. Those are what we miss. No matter how much of a bastard he was to you, you will still miss the concept of love that you held and cared about. That’s what makes it so hard. Just think about it as though he’s dead. Remember the discrepancy between what there was and what you wanted to see. Also remember the discrepancy between what you wanted to see and the zombie that walks the earth. Maybe you don’t even miss the dead ex. Maybe you miss the dead concept in your head. Maybe you miss a mixture of the two. That’s normal.

 

I did something weird the other day. I watched a video of us together when we had baked a really nice chocolate cake. We were really happy. It was a nice day, and a yummy cake! It was nice to relive that time alone in itself. I’m not sure how much I miss the relationship on the whole as opposed to just the good moments like that. Still, it was really weird watching it. It was pretty much like watching a video of myself with someone who has since died and remembering the good time we had.

 

I don't know what's wrong with me. The sadness (downright depression) has hit me like a tidal wave and it's like I'm paddling like hell to keep from drowning. I can't seem to crawl out of it. I hate this...

 

 

There’s nothing wrong with you at all. The only thing that would indicate that there’s something wrong would be if you weren’t depressed about it. I’m sure you don’t want to be depressed, but there’s only so much you can do about it. You’re only human, so chill. YOU’RE ALLOWED TO BE DOWN!!! Of course, it sucks and it’s very frustrating. Remember though, even a tidal wave has a crest. It will crash eventually. Just paddle as hard as you possibly can and I guarantee you’ll make it alive. What’s important is to not give up and let yourself drown.

 

And speaking of my ex's psycho BPD, looks like she's up to her game-playing tricks...AGAIN. According to her husband, she called him and bragged that my ex bought her a new convertable car. Well, my son saw her in town yesterday driving my ex's car, which is a convertable, but that is HIS car, not hers. In fact, he bought it when he and I were together. So apparently, she told her husband this lie to upset him, to play head games with him.

 

Well, you know...that's the ONE consistant thing about BPD's. They will always LIE/CHEAT/DECEIVE/PLAY HEAD GAMES.

 

 

Poor things. I hope I never get involved with one again…

And I've no doubt she will turn it on my ex. She's most likely playing it cool with him right now, especially so now that she has no place else to go.

 

But sooner or later, she'll screw him.

 

Good...he deserves it!

 

I hope things are going well with you, B. I certainly hope you're in a better place than I am right now.

 

Taking it day by day myself. Every day brings something new. I think there's an end in sight. She returns from holiday in a couple of days, so my next challenge is to deal with her successfully if she tries to initiate contact. I can't allow myself to fall prey to her again. Must be strong!!!

 

B

[B-3128]

How are you today by the way? Any better? And did you get any nice presents for your birthday? Post when you next have some time.

 

B

[Greensleaves]

Hey Green,

 

I am sorry it took me awhile to respond to your post the way I wanted to, but as I told B earlier, I'm going through a bit of a depression right now. Not sure what's wrong or why it is hitting me so hard now. No reason for it, really, other than the fact that the ex has been heavily on my mine the past few days and I'm frustrated with it. Angers me when he takes up space and energy in my brain because he certainly doesn't deserve it. Doesn't deserves so much as a second of my time, never mind a few days!

 

 

 

Hmm, i do know what you mean, but i haven't really found the switch off button myself. it is hard to force your self not to think certain things, in fact i do not know anybody who can do it, except maybe for my ex.

he was always good in convincing himself not to think of soemthing in a certain way; even if it means that he has to switch off his emotions, enviable trait, really!

 

But I do take solace in the fact that I KNOW she'll do it to my ex as well. She did it to him in the past, and she'll do it again. Not right away...she can't afford to because she has nowhere else to go. But the minute she thinks she has an edge, she WILLL screw him again. She's got a long history of doing this and I've no doubt history will repeat itself.

 

Haha, I would take solace in that fact, too. I think it is a cycle. first you want them back, then you get angry and want to see revenge in one way or the other and then you just don't care anymore, even if they win the lottery or marry Angelina Jolie. To get to that step takes a while. Actually a loooong while.

 

As for the new guy I'm seeing, he continues to call everyday as promised and we are getting to know each other better. I'm taking my time with it because I'm still licking my wounds and am not sure if I want to invest the energy in another relationship right now. I sometimes wonder if it's worth the risk of having your heart broken.

 

Hmm, I can relate to that, too, right now I do think that it is not worth the risk, but let's be honest most people fall in love again one stage or the other. Right now i don't want to. in fact I feel as if I never want to do it again and find out after 2,5 years that it was all just nothing, but i guess there will never be any guarantees

 

Can't blame you for not wanting to ponder on all the "why" questions. They'll drive you nuts, that's for sure. I will NEVER ask my ex "why," because really, any half-assed answer he gives me will NEVER justify what he did to me. Nothing he could say or do to help ease my pain or satisfy me, so why ask? Instead, I will look to time (and lots of it) to bring me the cure I need. Not the easy way, for sure, but the best.

 

I do hope I crawl out of this funk soon. Not a good place to be.

 

~Tormented

 

You will, you will. And I will, too. (I am happier today, because i have a phone interview tomorrow and hopefully will have at least the job situation sorted out pretty soon ...)

But it will all take a lot of time, sigh....

 

Green

[Tormented]

B...

 

Have I told you lately how grateful I am for your support? Seriously, you have no idea. I may not know you in person, and you may be all the way over the Atlantic, but I thank you so much for reaching out to me and offering the support that you do.

 

Tonight...I am SERIOUSLY freaked out. Don't know if you read the thread I started (What the hell????), but I think I caught the psychotic, borderline ex-but-now-current girlfriend casing out my house. When I left my house tonight to go pick my son up at work, I spotted my ex's car (the one she's driving and lied about him buying it for her), parked down the hill from where I lived. I saw what appeared to be her (the hair color) duck down quickly when my car came in sight. So now, has she decided to stalk me now??? And for what reason??? I haven't gone within MILES of either one of them since the split, so WHY would she feel the need to be hanging around my house?

 

Also, have been getting a lot of hang-ups the past few days, and my son got a VERY disturbing call at his work yesterday. He answered the phone and a female voice (he said it sounded like her as he has spoken with her several times before when she came into the store), said..."Get out before I blow your sh*t away," and then hung up. My son was very shaken up about it.

 

You know, B...I think she's a lot more than you're average, run-of-the-mill Borderline Personality. I think she's a flaming NUT case!!! And if she IS doing this crazy stuff, I wonder if my ex knows about it.

 

Will this ever end??????

 

~Tormented~