My God...I hurt SO bad!!!

[Greensleaves]

Good work, B, sounds great. Seems like you are improving, even though your computer chose not to be too supportive these days...

[B-3128]

Hey Guys!

 

It's been a while! I am SO busy these days!!! To add to that, my comp broke down. Posting here isn't really something I could do when I was using other people's machines.... a bit embarassing really! I sneaked in that last post quickly though just to let you know!

 

Back at uni with more responsibilities than ever! That helps in a way, but sometimes I forget to make time to wallow. Although I need do it less now, I am still hurt. I have the odd bad dream etc., so I'm not convinced when I try and fool myself that I'm through. The good news is that I feel like I am getting stronger. I can take more work pressure and cope. I get more done. I am nicer to people. People are nicer to me. I am so much more relaxed. Bright stuff ahead I think. I feel like I did get something out of my relationship, but then I started receding and eventually fell to a place lower than where I started. Now I can reach new heights. I am optimistic.

 

I worry a lot about bumping into her. Whenever I am in the city centre, I am always feeling a bit edgy. Still, that's just something I'll have to deal with sooner or later. Prepare to be superficial and in a hurry to meet someone else :-) I don't think there is a lot to be had from having her in my life. She is a symbol of failure. Someone who makes me feel inadequate. Someone who can't see the good in me that other people do. You know, other girls would kill to go out with me... I'm a cool guy :-P Her loss. She can have Mr. Beta.

 

I did get upset the other day when I was having a work stress. Went on her facebook (like myspace) profile. I had kept away for ages. She seems to change her photo a lot, and it's always to ones that I took (I am quite a serious photographer, but still... surely it would be worth going for a slightly less good photo and avoiding the memory!?!?!?) Anyway, for about half an hour, as I was up late into the night doing a piece of work that was due in for the next morning, I got really down. Her profile shows her to be "In a Relationship" with Beta. And he'd written some stuff on her little board... "sending kisses" etc. And in one photo, they were holding hands... jeez... it hurt, but less than it would have before for sure. I am well on the path to not caring, but not quite there yet. I started shaking a bit, temperature rose, but I think that had something to do with the cold I have been suffering from. I popped two paracetamols, got on with my essay and got on with my life.

 

So now, other girls. It's coming... sooner or later. Give it 60 days maximum... I guarantee it... Then, the fate of my ex as a distant memory will be sealed.

 

So what's up with the stalking T? Green, you sound like you're moving on well. Proud of you both!

 

B

[Tormented]

Quote:Thanks for all your kind comments, I guess i was a little too overoptimistic again on the job front as I found out today, they promise you more out there than they can keep, but I haven't lost hope yet. Oh well. [/b][/i]

 

Oooh...I've had that happen to me several times before. Promised one thing only to be told later..."Oh, gee - we're terribly sorry, but the position isn't going to be filled at this time. Please check with us later." Problem with that, of course, is that your heart was set on what they promised, your hopes get up and then comes crashing down when they choke on their promise. Not to mention that your bill collecters want their money NOW, not later. It's frustrating, I know. Been there more than once and I know what you're going through. But I will say that each and everytime I've been in that situation, eventually SOMETHING came along. And it will for you too.

 

You are right about the wanting and needing, I guess, up to now I haven't really seen myself as a needy person and I don't think it was so much needing, it was more that I wanted to be with the person who had my heart.

 

Green, ANYBODY in your situation would feel "needy" right now. Nothing to hang your head about. You have had your heart broken by the man you love, you are in a place foreign to you with very little support (emotionally) to help you cope with this, you are limited in your funds, and you are frantically looking for work. Of course you feel needy...who wouldn't in your case? I mentioned the needing/wanting thing as a future reference when things settle down for you. Once you've gotten a job and place of your own, THEN you can begin searching for a potential mate....because you WANT to, not NEED to. After all you've been through, and pulled yourself through it with very little help from others, I think you've more than proven to yourself that you don't NEED a mate, you WANT a mate. And when the strength within you comes shining through, you'll find that QUALITY men will be attracted to you. Self confidence is a VERY attractive trait, and after all this is said and done, you'll be overflowing with it.

 

I guess once you are in love there is a really fine line between wanting and needing; it makes you believe you need that particular person; of course in a way you don't.

 

Oh, most definitely. Love is a wonderful thing, but yes - it does tend to make you feel vulnerable. It weakens your defenses and leaves you wide open for hurt. As a result, you feel like you "need" this person in order to be happy. BUT - when that person begins to cause you heartache and grief, when their love leaves you feeling cold and lonely, unattractive and rejected...can we truly say we "need" that person? No. What we REALLY need, but won't accept, is to rid ourselves of that negativity from our life. If we don't, it will deplete us of self worth and confidence, and once that happens, NOBODY will be attracted to you. So really, sometimes its a good thing when the ex decides to walk out, even though it doesn't feel like it at the time. But down the road, after the healing has taken place, we can see more clearly that we did NOT need them, in fact - we NEEDED to be rid of them so we can find a mate more suitable for us. But when you hurt, it's hard to see that far. I know...believe me...I KNOW.

 

I think I want a partner or maybe even need a partner for having a family, something I have set my heart on with my Ex, but nope, I am not prepared to go for anything, if no potential partner comes along I would also be happy to adopt and pull an "Angelina", though I gotta make some big bucks first and who knows maybe a "Brad" comes along at a stage, nice thought, really

 

Absolutely nothing wrong with wanting a family. And I am so relieved to hear you say that you won't settle for "anybody." So many people make that mistake only to pay for it later. Sometimes, we want something so bad we become desperate and then become vulnerable to bad mates. I think women are more prone to this than men. We've got this whole biological clock ticking within, and the closer the clock comes to nearing the end, the more desperate the woman becomes. Men don't deal with this so the "urge" to mate isn't as strong. I can't believe what some women will put up with to keep from being alone. I have seen women tolerate abuse (both verbally and physically), cheating, and disrespect all in the name of "love." The thought of being alone terrifies them, so they choose to remain with a man who doesn't value them, love them, or cherish them. So sad, really. Me? I'd rather be alone that put up with that. You get what you demand in this world, and I demand to be treated well.

 

You are right about your anger you wrote about in your post to Mary; it is good that you have so much at this particular point in time, it will speed up healing and moving on....

 

Well....yes and no. Yes, in that it keeps me focused on the fact that he is no good for me, and helps my resolve to stay away from him firm. No, in that as long as the anger remains this strong, it keeps me tied to him in a sense. It takes a lot of energy to feel this angry...energy that COULD be applied elsewhere. The IDEA place to be is in the indifference zone. I know I'll be there eventually, but only when this anger starts to wane some. So, I guess I'm STILL not there yet, but hopefully I will be soon.

 

I tell ya, Green....LOVE SUCKS!

 

~T~

[Greensleaves]

I hear ya, Tormented, I hear ya. It does suck, doesn't it?

Yepp the sad thing is, my biological clock wasn't really ticking at all, it only started with my Ex and the fact that I was a "Stepmom" and realized that I am actually not too bad at it. Sure, it might be just coincidence and would have happened no matter who I was with because of hormones, though I kinda doubt it. Oh well, no I won't just settle with anybody, I can and will promise that and yes, I know, there are too many women (and I guess men, too, sorry, B) enduring things they shouldn't have to.

 

I know what I want, Tormented, sad thing is only, that these days it seems as if I can demand as much as I want, I am not getting it and unfortunately right now that still applies to all aspects of life...

 

I dread the cold foggy autumn days coming in. I normally like them, I like the kind of melancholy that comes along with it. But, you want to have a home and a nice place to be in, a hot fireplace with a good book and nice hot drinks and you want to have someone to cuddle with, obviously (even if it is just a cat ). Well you don' t necessarily need it all, but at least some of it. Oh well, it will all work out somehow, won't it?

 

B, you sound soo much better, I am very happy that you managed to look at her webpage and it hurt only a little, that's very good, definitely the way forward. Keep it up!

[Tormented]

Hey Guys!

 

It's been a while! I am SO busy these days!!! To add to that, my comp broke down. Posting here isn't really something I could do when I was using other people's machines.... a bit embarassing really! I sneaked in that last post quickly though just to let you know!

 

Hey there, B! It was my hope that your silence wasn't the result of something bad happening in your world. Sounds to me you're doing quite well. Good on you! My computer, or shall I say...my windows crashed 2 weeks ago and I was offline for a bit as well. Thank God I've got a computer tech buddie who got me up and running again. Computers...ya gotta luv 'em, eh??

 

Back at uni with more responsibilities than ever! That helps in a way, but sometimes I forget to make time to wallow.

 

So, if the "wallow" goes dormant, let it! Why feed it if it's not hungry? The fact that you're "forgetting" to visit it only means that it's beginning to go away...something you hoped for, yes? And it's a place I hope to get to sooner or later...hopefully sooner.

 

Although I need do it less now, I am still hurt. I have the odd bad dream etc., so I'm not convinced when I try and fool myself that I'm through. The good news is that I feel like I am getting stronger. I can take more work pressure and cope. I get more done. I am nicer to people. People are nicer to me. I am so much more relaxed. Bright stuff ahead I think. I feel like I did get something out of my relationship, but then I started receding and eventually fell to a place lower than where I started. Now I can reach new heights. I am optimistic.

 

Ah, B....sounds like you're doing great. Yes, there WILL be the occasional tug on your heart, that's to be expected, but it sounds like you've got control of your emotions rather than your emotions controlling you. You're out living your life, feeling better, feeling stronger...and I bet the world has more color in it again, right?

 

I worry a lot about bumping into her. Whenever I am in the city centre, I am always feeling a bit edgy. Still, that's just something I'll have to deal with sooner or later. Prepare to be superficial and in a hurry to meet someone else :-) I don't think there is a lot to be had from having her in my life. She is a symbol of failure. Someone who makes me feel inadequate. Someone who can't see the good in me that other people do. You know, other girls would kill to go out with me... I'm a cool guy :-P Her loss. She can have Mr. Beta.

 

THAT'S the spirit! I continue to see my ex frequently as his truck zips by me on lunch break. But at least it's only a brief glimpse. Tell you what, though, he got an eyeful last Thursday. As I mentioned, my computer crashed and I have a male co-worker who is a computer tech. He's been working on my computer, so last Thursday he and I drove to my house during lunch so he could download a program onto my computer. As he and I were driving to my house, sure enough...my ex zipped by. B...you should have seen his eyes bug out when he saw my male co-worker in my car. It was priceless! I've no doubt he festered on it for the remainder of the day. I so hope it tore his gut out as he has mine for the past 2 months. Strangely enough, I didn't pass by him on Friday. He most likely avoided driving by Friday for fear he'd see me with the male co-worker again. I tell ya, I'm STILL laughing about it! He probably thinks I'm out screwing different men now. LOL!!!!

 

I did get upset the other day when I was having a work stress. Went on her facebook (like myspace) profile. I had kept away for ages. She seems to change her photo a lot, and it's always to ones that I took (I am quite a serious photographer, but still... surely it would be worth going for a slightly less good photo and avoiding the memory!?!?!?) Anyway, for about half an hour, as I was up late into the night doing a piece of work that was due in for the next morning, I got really down. Her profile shows her to be "In a Relationship" with Beta. And he'd written some stuff on her little board... "sending kisses" etc. And in one photo, they were holding hands... jeez... it hurt, but less than it would have before for sure. I am well on the path to not caring, but not quite there yet. I started shaking a bit, temperature rose, but I think that had something to do with the cold I have been suffering from. I popped two paracetamols, got on with my essay and got on with my life.

 

B, to tell you that going to her site, looking at her pics, or ANYTHING that has to do with her is bad for you seems silly because I know you already know that. But it's VERY hard to keep from doing things like this. I think sometimes we do it to test our resolve, to see where we are on the "temperature" gage. Every once in awhile, I guess we feel the need to see if we're actually as strong as we think we are...if we truly ARE over them. When I see my ex zip by on a daily basis, a myriad of emotions run through me. Mostly anger. ALWAYS anger. For me, I know that although the anger keeps me focused on my resolve to stay away from him, it also cripples me from full recovery. It's like I said to Green, until I reach the place of indifference, I won't be completely over him. The anger serves to keep me tied to him in a sense, so until it lessens he will remain on my mind. Again, only TIME will heal. But ooooh....it's SO slow, you know? B, how long ago did you and your ex break up? How long did it take you to be in the better place you know are?

 

So now, other girls. It's coming... sooner or later. Give it 60 days maximum... I guarantee it... Then, the fate of my ex as a distant memory will be sealed.

 

Okay, now I KNOW you're feeling better! When the thought of OTHER potential mates begin to take an active place in your brain...you're well on your way to full recovery! Just stay the HELL away from borderlines! If you see even so much as an hint of borderline behavior in a potential mate...RUN, FOREST...RUUUUUN!!!!

 

So what's up with the stalking T?

 

Actually, outside of driving past me everyday (a deliberate move by him, no doubt), I've heard nothing. I continue to receive the periodic hang ups now and then, but they have lessened. I think maybe he's starting to accept that we are done...it's permanently over...that I will NEVER return to him. The hurt is still there, the pain DOES strike my heart now and then, but like you, it's beginning to lose its intensity. But oh, how I look forward to the day it's completely gone.

 

In the meantime...I have met somebody who has earned my interest. Met him through a friend. He's a lawyer...very witty, great sense of humor. I haven't gone out with him yet, but he has made it clear that he'd like to date me. Right now, we're just talking on the phone and trading emails. Don't know where this will go, but I'm having fun getting to know him.

 

I'm just keeping busy with work, my hobbies, my friends...and life in general. Because, as you know....life goes on.

 

~T~

[Tormented]

I know what I want, Tormented, sad thing is only, that these days it seems as if I can demand as much as I want, I am not getting it and unfortunately right now that still applies to all aspects of life...

 

Yep, I completely understand what you're saying here. You know, what I want seems simple enough, yet...hard as hell to find.

 

What do I want?

 

A mate who is means what he says, who isn't afraid to show and receive love, who feels confident enough to be himself, who isn't "hooked" on drama queens. Honest to God, it seems as though men ARE turned on by these drama queen psychos...despite their claim that they want a "healthy" woman. Seems as though they get bored with a woman devoid of drama, but you'll never hear them admit to it. I've seen this over and over again in real life, and look at the guys on this board. Almost every one of them are torn up over a psycho ex who put them through hell and back. Yet, here they are...missing them, wanting them back....basically hooked on them.

 

I don't know, sometimes I feel being a "normal, drama-free woman" places me at the disadvantage. So, my hope of finding a man who HONESTLY wants a down-to-earth woman is beginning to fade a bit. Do you ever feel as though you'll NEVER find your idea mate? *sigh*

 

I dread the cold foggy autumn days coming in. I normally like them, I like the kind of melancholy that comes along with it.

 

Strange that you would mention this. I too have been dreading the winter. Last winter, I had my ex to cuddle up to. He chopped the wood for heat, and I never got cold at night...if you know what I mean!

 

But now...the leaves are falling, the temperature is getting cooler, the sky is colored grey, the flowers have wilted, the grass has gone dormant, the butterflies have all died...and it's all too symbolic for how I feel inside. Sometimes, I feel "gloomy" within. Certainly doesn't help when I look outside and it mirrors how I feel. Somehow....I feel like this is going to be a looooong, cold, and lonely winter.

 

~T~

[burning 4 revenge]

Honest to God, it seems as though men ARE turned on by these drama queen psychos...despite their claim that they want a "healthy" woman. Seems as though they get bored with a woman devoid of drama, but you'll never hear them admit to it. I've seen this over and over again in real life, and look at the guys on this board. Almost every one of them are torn up over a psycho ex who put them through hell and back. Yet, here they are...missing them, wanting them back....basically hooked on them.

Yes. The only woman I was ever infatuated with was full blown BPD and being treated for it by therapists and psychiatrists...medications and everything.

 

She was bright too and completely impulsive and irrational and angry and abusive and it was exhilirating.

 

Now everything is dull and drama free

 

If you ever read Roman history the women who exhibit characteristics compatible with BPD make the most fascinating villainouses.

[Greensleaves]

Yep, I completely understand what you're saying here. You know, what I want seems simple enough, yet...hard as hell to find.

 

What do I want?

 

A mate who is means what he says, who isn't afraid to show and receive love, who feels confident enough to be himself, who isn't "hooked" on drama queens. Honest to God, it seems as though men ARE turned on by these drama queen psychos...despite their claim that they want a "healthy" woman. Seems as though they get bored with a woman devoid of drama, but you'll never hear them admit to it. I've seen this over and over again in real life, and look at the guys on this board. Almost every one of them are torn up over a psycho ex who put them through hell and back. Yet, here they are...missing them, wanting them back....basically hooked on them.

 

I don't know, sometimes I feel being a "normal, drama-free woman" places me at the disadvantage. So, my hope of finding a man who HONESTLY wants a down-to-earth woman is beginning to fade a bit. Do you ever feel as though you'll NEVER find your idea mate? *sigh*

 

Oh, I know EXACTLY what you mean. I hate playing games and do want to have a partner who says what he means and where I don't have to play stupid jealousy games etc. Yepp, I would definitely describe myself as fairly drama free myself and female friends keep on telling me that I am too nice or too easy etc etc and that you need to be a bit*ch to keep a guy. I still think it is bullocks. Well, at least for the guys I want to be with. In fact I actually had a partner once who was very happy that I wasn't as high maintenance as any of his mate's GF and who knows he might still be had I not ended it.

But you might be right, there are not too many guys that claim they want a drama free GFs and REALLY mean it. So yepp, I don't know if I will ever find the right one. Had I chosen to become a farmer's wife (childhood dream) it might have worked out: they simple don't have the time and energy after a hard days work to deal with a drama queen.

Too late for that, though.

 

 

Strange that you would mention this. I too have been dreading the winter. Last winter, I had my ex to cuddle up to. He chopped the wood for heat, and I never got cold at night...if you know what I mean!

 

But now...the leaves are falling, the temperature is getting cooler, the sky is colored grey, the flowers have wilted, the grass has gone dormant, the butterflies have all died...and it's all too symbolic for how I feel inside. Sometimes, I feel "gloomy" within. Certainly doesn't help when I look outside and it mirrors how I feel. Somehow....I feel like this is going to be a looooong, cold, and lonely winter.

 

~T~

 

Gloomy is the right word, Tormented, in fact I always feel a little gloomy in autumn, but more like a bittersweet melancholy, this time however, there is nothing sweet about it whatsoever, it is more like despair; God, I do hope that I will land a job soon and find a residence and can prepare myself for the "dying" season with loads of good books, different types of teas and zillion boxes of chocolate....

 

Green

[Greensleaves]

Uh, Tormented, just had to phone customer service as they still had not cancelled my bloody +1 mobile account. My mobile was set up in my Ex name as they wouldn't take my foreign credit card. He did cancel it like I requested, just turned out that they were too slow in responding.

 

But I had to think of your comment the other day: that it felt as if your guts were torn out; that is how I felt today when I had to give them my Ex name as account holder and they asked in what relationship we were for privacy reasons ...

[Tormented]

Yes. The only woman I was ever infatuated with was full blown BPD and being treated for it by therapists and psychiatrists...medications and everything.

 

She was bright too and completely impulsive and irrational and angry and abusive and it was exhilirating.

 

Now everything is dull and drama free(

 

Ah, Burning...I hope you (or any of the men on this board) didn't take offense to my comment. It's just that I can't help but notice that men tend to fall hard for these erratic (bordering on psychotic!), dramatic, schizoid-type females who are so screwed up, they don't know from one moment to another if they want to stay in the relationship or not...keeping their mate on pins and needles for the next cliff-hanging moment. The image of a small girl sitting in a field with a flower in her hand - saying with each peddle she plucks off...I love him....I love him not....I love him....I love him not....comes to mind. I would think that this kind of emotional turmoil would send any man screaming for the door (or the nut house!)...yet, they just keep coming back for more. Kinda like a gambling addict who keeps pumping his coins into a bad (but teasing) machine, telling himself with each dropped coin that maybe THIS time he'll hit the jackpot. And when the machine fails to pay off and he is finally depleted of all his coins, he instantly blames the machine for his misfortune. Yet...when he happens upon more coins, guess where he runs to first? Yep...you got it.

 

But then, I guess the same can be said of women falling for the "bad boys." It's the same thing...coins to bad machines.

 

And here we all are....with empty pockets and a broken heart.

 

Crazy, isn't it?

 

~T~

[Tormented]

But you might be right, there are not too many guys that claim they want a drama free GFs and REALLY mean it. So yepp, I don't know if I will ever find the right one.

 

My optimistic scale of finding the "idea" mate dips up and down from day to day. Sometimes, I feel pretty confident that I'll find my life partner eventually, yet other times I feel as though it's not worth the effort and I just don't have the interest.

 

I meet men...that's not a problem. And they show interest, which is great for the ego, ESPECIALLY so after a breakup. But I just can't seem to get into the groove, ya know? Guess I'm just too leary of getting close to a man right now, not too mention that it takes a lot of work to build a relationship with somebody new. Let's face it...I've got some heavy baggage to dump first before I can even THINK about getting involved again. I do get lonely sometimes...and it hurts. And even now...2 months later, I STILL have moments of missing him, despite what he has done. Crazy, I know...but there it is.

 

Do you remember when I told you he saw me with my co-worker as we were driving to my house last week? Well, I haven't seen him since. I think he's purposely avoiding that route during my lunch hour because it hurt him to see me with another man and he doesn't want to risk seeing it again. I'm glad he's out of my sight...but sometimes I do miss him. There are just so many damn questions I've got, but I'm MUCH too stubborn to ever ask him. I don't know if his answers would help to speed up my healing process or not, but I sometimes wonder....

 

 

Gloomy is the right word, Tormented, in fact I always feel a little gloomy in autumn, but more like a bittersweet melancholy, this time however, there is nothing sweet about it whatsoever, it is more like despair; God, I do hope that I will land a job soon and find a residence and can prepare myself for the "dying" season with loads of good books, different types of teas and zillion boxes of chocolate....

 

"Dying season." I like that...fits well with the frame of mind I'm in. Guess "gloomy" would fit as well. Geesh...does it ever end? Does it ever get better? Well, of course it does. Just because I can't see the end in sight doesn't mean it's not there, right? Right.....????

 

~T~

[Tormented]

But I had to think of your comment the other day: that it felt as if your guts were torn out; that is how I felt today when I had to give them my Ex name as account holder and they asked in what relationship we were for privacy reasons ...

 

Yeah, I could see how that would hurt. Not only did the question of your "relationship" with him remind you of what is no longer...but the fact that the card being cancelled basically finalizes it....like scribing "The End" to this story.

 

BIG hug to you, my friend. I know you hurt....

 

~T~

[Greensleaves]

My optimistic scale of finding the "idea" mate dips up and down from day to day. Sometimes, I feel pretty confident that I'll find my life partner eventually, yet other times I feel as though it's not worth the effort and I just don't have the interest.

 

I meet men...that's not a problem. And they show interest, which is great for the ego, ESPECIALLY so after a breakup. But I just can't seem to get into the groove, ya know? Guess I'm just too leary of getting close to a man right now, not too mention that it takes a lot of work to build a relationship with somebody new. Let's face it...I've got some heavy baggage to dump first before I can even THINK about getting involved again. I do get lonely sometimes...and it hurts. And even now...2 months later, I STILL have moments of missing him, despite what he has done. Crazy, I know...but there it is.

 

Hmm yepp, Tormented, I do know what you mean, I can't get into the groove myself and in fact I am even avoiding places where i could meet new men. Having said that: it is not too difficult in the village my parents live in; in fact even as a young teenager i never found mates there .

OK, my Ex hasn't been quite as ad as yours, but yepp, I do miss him a lot, too, even lots of people tell me that I am way better off without him (even close friends of his) and I guess they are right; but up to now I never found a way of ruling my heart, just knowing that they might have a point, doesn't mean that my heart will stop from one instance to the other. So yepp, I can see why it might be even difficult when the Ex has been really bad as in your case. I just realized, it is even three months in my case now. Oh dear! Just was so busy moving and all that I always forgot to count the first three to four weeks.

 

Do you remember when I told you he saw me with my co-worker as we were driving to my house last week? Well, I haven't seen him since. I think he's purposely avoiding that route during my lunch hour because it hurt him to see me with another man and he doesn't want to risk seeing it again. I'm glad he's out of my sight...but sometimes I do miss him. There are just so many damn questions I've got, but I'm MUCH too stubborn to ever ask him. I don't know if his answers would help to speed up my healing process or not, but I sometimes wonder....

 

Well, at least it shows one good thing; no matter how bad your Ex was, he must have had some sincere feelings after all, or else he wouldn't care about the coworker and wouldn't have changed his route. That doesn't help you in any way but at least I can tell yourself that you didn't fall for a guy who was only playing. Yepp, I can relate, I think I would like to get answers, too, but it is probably good that you are stubborn in this case, because it might only hurt more, I don't know.

Must admit I hadn't followed your advice completely, because before you posted the last time and told me not to I had sent a mail to my Ex already and he did reply and even asked questions. I answered in a light, casual tone and he replied again, but there aren't too many more things to be said right now, so I might just leave it there. Even if the dialogue continues I don't think I will get any answers to my questions, so yepp, we want answers but there might not be any...

 

 

 

"Dying season." I like that...fits well with the frame of mind I'm in. Guess "gloomy" would fit as well. Geesh...does it ever end? Does it ever get better? Well, of course it does. Just because I can't see the end in sight doesn't mean it's not there, right? Right.....????

 

God, I wished I hold the answer to that question. Sometimes I am confident it will (today and yesterday), sometimes I am at the brink of losing hope completely (weekend). Right now I think that there is a reason why things are happening the way they are happening and I do sincerely hope that the end result will be our happiness!! Unfortunately it runs in our family that women do not have an easy time to find their partners (my grandma never did; my dad was a "war accident"), so I am trying hard to tell myself that it is about time that we do

 

Green

[Greensleaves]

I decided to put this in a seperate post as it is only remotely linked to the post before: to add to the "dying" season, Tormented, this seems to be a rather bad week: it started off with my course being cancelled and friends marriage failing but the top up is my cousin who is now in a confined ward as she turned out to be a very severe case of post partum. Jeez, i saw her the weekend it was happening and I could see that she was severely depressed but I assumed she was on medication and besides I hadn't seen her for ten years, so of course I didn't know how serious I had to take it.

My aunt just found her letters by accident because they had slipped out of her purse while she was in her bedroom getting a rest.

 

I don't know why this made me think that there must be a master plan behind this all, but for some reason i do believe it was no coincidence that i saw her just before it happened. Weird. Definitely need some time to digest this.

[B-3128]

 

God, I wished I hold the answer to that question. Sometimes I am confident it will (today and yesterday), sometimes I am at the brink of losing hope completely (weekend). Right now I think that there is a reason why things are happening the way they are happening and I do sincerely hope that the end result will be our happiness!!

 

Green

 

One day, a good day, it will all be over, or at least over enough.I guess it's very much like a ball.... you fall from a great height (that's why there's so much bouncing), and you keep going up and down with gradually decreasing intensity. I bounce up and down too. I think everyone does. And here I am in my room. All alone. Months on as well. And with no one to talk to, at least, not without paying a price by looking a fool because it was so long ago. I cycle around town and it's on my mind all the time. Sooner or later, I am going to bump into her. Possibly with her new boyfriend. How the hell do I prepare myself for that?!

 

Sticking with the ball analogy, despite the many ways in which my life is better without her, I sometimes feel like I am at a lower height than I was before. Feels lonely not to have anyone. Even if they're neurotic, you still have them. And even if life is easier, its not a life I'm sharing. I miss that a lot. Not sure if that means I miss her specifically. I think it might be a more selfish motivation than that. Who knows... maybe I just don't want to miss her specifically but I do. I do miss some of what she stood for in my life. And I keep having to overcome my temptation to click on that website and wallow. I think I'm better off repressing that urge. Will do me more harm than good. Right now I'm solo. It can be tough sometimes. Of course, can't complain too much what with my computer, food and shelter and all that. If only we were built to appreciate things in that way! Still, at least the bounces are much smaller than they used to be.

 

Will I be posting till I'm happily married?!?! And then more when that goes wrong?!

 

B

[Greensleaves]

One day, a good day, it will all be over, or at least over enough.I guess it's very much like a ball.... you fall from a great height (that's why there's so much bouncing), and you keep going up and down with gradually decreasing intensity. I bounce up and down too.

 

Hmm, it describes it quite well, I suppose. I guess with some people it just bounces way softer (in grass) than others (concrete). I am afraid, I am last category and therefore it will take a looong time to finish.

 

I think everyone does. And here I am in my room. All alone. Months on as well. And with no one to talk to, at least, not without paying a price by looking a fool because it was so long ago.

 

Uhh, I know, I have one friend left I can be completely blunt with, but I am pretty sure it won't be too long until she tells me that she has had enough

 

Sticking with the ball analogy, despite the many ways in which my life is better without her, I sometimes feel like I am at a lower height than I was before. Feels lonely not to have anyone. Even if they're neurotic, you still have them. And even if life is easier, its not a life I'm sharing. I miss that a lot. Not sure if that means I miss her specifically. I think it might be a more selfish motivation than that. Who knows... maybe I just don't want to miss her specifically but I do. I do miss some of what she stood for in my life.

 

It does make you feel stupid, doesn't it? Knowing that you shouldn't miss that person and knowing that this would be the very first thing you told a friend in a similar situation and still not being able to keep this stupid heart at bay.

 

Will I be posting till I'm happily married?!?! And then more when that goes wrong?!

 

Ok, I might sound a little naive, but I still believe that marriages can work. But for some reason it seems to be way harder these days to make them work. I know still some good examples, ok admittedly most of them are not quite our generation, but they are happy, I think.

 

Green

[Tormented]

I don't know why this made me think that there must be a master plan behind this all, but for some reason i do believe it was no coincidence that i saw her just before it happened. Weird. Definitely need some time to digest this.

 

You certainly HAVE had a week from hell, haven't you? I'm so sorry you're having to deal with all of this, Green. Sometimes, you just want to shake a fist at the sky and scream..."ENOUGH IS ENOUGH!!!"

 

Like you and B, I keep telling myself that the day will come when all of this will seem like a bad dream I once had, and even get a chuckle at myself for being so upset by it. Yep...I keep telling myself that, and who knows, someday I just MIGHT believe it!

 

Well, I just ran into my ex today and I'm a little shaken by it. I was pulling out of a side street from where I work and onto the main highway, and when I braked before turning onto the highway, I looked up and there was my ex in his truck....RIGHT IN FRONT OF ME, and looking square at me. In fact, he stuck his head outside his window as he passed by so he could look at me longer. I started shaking right then and there because this is the first time we REALLY looked at each other this closely.

 

I pulled out on the highway behind his truck and noticed that he kept looking in his side view mirros at me. The whole thing was weird...very awkward. He just kept looking back at me through his mirrors. Finally, the single lane we were in split into two, so I pulled out from behind him and sped past him as fast as I could.

 

I didn't wave, smile, or acknowledge him in any way. I just kept looking straight ahead and did everything in my power to keep from looking at him.

 

Why is it that when we see our exes it puts us back a little in our healing? I wonder what seeing me did to him.

 

Oh hell...does it matter??

 

Keep yer chin up, Green. Someday, somehow...we'll get through this.

 

Oh, Happy days!

 

~T~

[Tormented]

Sooner or later, I am going to bump into her. Possibly with her new boyfriend. How the hell do I prepare myself for that?!

 

I ran into mine today, B. And I'm STILL a little shaky. I don't think there is a way to prepare yourself for these unexpected and awkward moments. You think about them, yeah...but for some odd reason, you never quite react or feel the way you imagined you would.

 

I saw him as I was pulling out of a street from where I work, and as I braked to pull onto the main highway, there he was...right smack in front of me in his truck. He looked square at me, even stuck his head out of his window as he passed by so he could look longer. After he passed, I pulled onto the highway behind him and noticed he kept looking back at me through his rear view windows. I acted like I didn't notice him...kept looking out my window at the scenery...ANYWHERE but at him. I didn't smile, wave - nothing. I just didn't acknowldege him. But I was absolutely dying inside. I wanted to cry...for the first time in 2 months, I wanted to cry. And I'm not sure why. This is the first time we've looked at each other square on, this close. And now, I feel like I've been set back some. I'm so sad right now. No anger, just a deep sadness. God, does it ever end?

 

Will I be posting till I'm happily married?!?! And then more when that goes wrong?!

 

Certainly feels that way sometimes, doesn't it, B?

 

~T~

[Greensleaves]

 

Well, I just ran into my ex today and I'm a little shaken by it. I was pulling out of a side street from where I work and onto the main highway, and when I braked before turning onto the highway, I looked up and there was my ex in his truck....RIGHT IN FRONT OF ME, and looking square at me. In fact, he stuck his head outside his window as he passed by so he could look at me longer. I started shaking right then and there because this is the first time we REALLY looked at each other this closely.

 

I pulled out on the highway behind his truck and noticed that he kept looking in his side view mirros at me. The whole thing was weird...very awkward. He just kept looking back at me through his mirrors. Finally, the single lane we were in split into two, so I pulled out from behind him and sped past him as fast as I could.

 

I didn't wave, smile, or acknowledge him in any way. I just kept looking straight ahead and did everything in my power to keep from looking at him.

 

Why is it that when we see our exes it puts us back a little in our healing? I wonder what seeing me did to him.

 

Oh hell...does it matter??

 

Keep yer chin up, Green. Someday, somehow...we'll get through this.

 

Oh, Happy days!

 

~T~

 

I guess it does matter in a way. It sounds as if it set him back, too, hence the staring, craning of the neck and so on. So that is a little reassuring: obviously despite all his doing he is not completely indifferent to you.

What to gain from it? Nothing really, except for a teeny satisfaction that after all he is struggling a little himself as well. Obviously you did make an impression on him. So maybe see it as a little egoboost. However, you are right in the long run it doesn't really matter, because you don't want him back ever.

 

Yepp, the day will come, won't it?

 

Green

[B-3128]

hahahahahaha

 

just laughing at her being stuck with mr beta...

 

B

[Greensleaves]

Hey Tormented,

you haven't been around for a while, so hope you are fine, but I assume it is the case and you are just positively busy.

I think instead of becoming normal my life became somewhat surreal, no news any front, but lots of food for thoughts. Started reading a lot of spiritual material, even though I am a typical atheist.

It is weird, I think one's life will just be back on track once you start being happy again, but that's ever so difficult when nothing seemingly is working out...

 

Hu, Helloween. Last year we all went to a big Ghost party (i love dressing up), i went on a helloween ghost train with my then stepdaughter and this year there is just a big big blank. That is so odd. I think my sense of belonging to anything, anyone, any place was lost on this journey. I think I have to get it back somehow. Seems to be more difficult then anticipated. I am pretty sure once I have accomplished this and will feel more grounded I will get flooded with job offers...

 

Hope it feels better not having to face your Ex every lunch time even if it is only his car lurking around. Hope work is going well and the new job is exciting and medical will kick in soon. Additionally hope that the guy you talked to online sounds interesting and nice enough to keep it up.

 

Take care

Green

[Tormented]

Not doing well, Green. Not doing well at all....

 

~T~

[Greensleaves]

Not doing well, Green. Not doing well at all....

 

~T~

 

 

Oh dear. please feel free the post any time, of course, I would be interested in hearing what's going on, but maybe you need to sort your thoughts etc first.

It seems as if I am still not an established member (I guess I haven't posted enough yet), but I added you to my buddy list, I don't know if that means that you can mail me, my yahoo address is connected to this account: just in case you want to write a real email instead. (Let me know if that doesn't work and I will post my mail address here)

If there is anything I can do, let me know.

 

Take care.

 

Green

[B-3128]

T, that doesn't sound good. I'm still around too so bash it out on the keyboard and I'll do my best to help. You should know me well enough by now to see that despite the bravado, I'm far from fine. So that means I'm sticking around for a while yet!

 

B

[B-3128]

Green, a word of caution about the religion thing. I went through it too. Out of desparation. Religion welcomes the desperate. You think, why fight? It's tempting, but be careful. Religion is for strength. It's not a comfort pillow. Channeling your sexual energies into it is dangerous!

 

B