My God...I hurt SO bad!!!

[B-3128]

T, think back to my story... she ended up in hospital a day or two after the airport scenario. It was really minor, just an asthma attack, and she was out in a day. Anyway, I was phoned up by her brother. Told him that she could call me if she felt up to it (that was before I had mercy on myself and began NC). She called. I was in the cinema but walked out of the film to speak to her. She gave me some sulky bs about not wanting to disturb me etc., BLATENLY playing drama games... (it's a wonder I was still speaking to her given how she was treating me)... hangs up and convinces herself that I am the evil one etc. To her, I was evil because I didn't call her and I didn't go up and visit her or something.

 

Now, when I heard news that she was in hospital, it was around 7pm. My heart was telling me to get on a train and go to her city so I could be there for her. Doesn't matter if I would have arrived really late or if I had work the next day (which I definitely would have had to miss). I used my head. Didn't go. I think I acted quite politely actually. If someone is sick, then you only want them to talk when they feel strong enough. That's why telling them to call when they feel better is more polite. Now, she blamed me so much. She was so ANGRY. Hell, she was angrier at me for that than I was at her for cheating on me!

 

Now, could I be blamed for behaving as I did? For not going the extra mile? Don't answer that. I need nobody to second me on my opinion that I was totally in the right. I had no duties to her whatsoever. None, at least, that were socially recognized. I had duties to her between me and myself. That I would castigate myself for not fulfilling. But none that society placed on me. It was for beta to be doing the looking after. I would have done anything for that girl. But that girl was dead. A zombie T, a zombie. Of course, it's hard to come to terms with your loved one's proverbial death. I suffered. And I suffered not because I was failing my duties to someone I loved, but because it looked too much to me like I was. I wasn't failing any duties of course, mainly because the one I loved no longer existed! But the situation resembled it too much. Just like a bad dream looks bad, is unpleasant, but isn't objectively bad, so too was this.

 

Now T, think straight. First, it's borderline's job to look after him now. He made the decision to entrust his moral welfare with her. Second, you are not failing to do any duties to him. You have none. Neither between you and society nor between you and yourself. The reason is that the entity, the bundle of experiences and interactions, that you had moral duties to no longer exists. It is altered and to a degree that is clearly beyond insignificance. Now you may want to, but step back and you will begin to see that your desire stems from a misperception.

 

What if it was him? What are you going to do? Bury the hatchet? The accident doesn't change anything T. If it was your duty to forgive him and engage in rapprochement, then you would have been wrong, heartattack or no heartattack. But you aren't wrong. It's weird not doing what you would be so used to doing normally. I can identify with your feeling totally because I went through something similar. But I look back and I can blame myself for nothing. In fact, I think I did far more than could be expected of me anyway by still being in contact with her in the first place! Look after yourself. If you don't, Green and I will try to , but essentially, nobody else will! So don't put yourself in harm's way and risk giving him a green light. If you follow the logic of trying to help this guy, then you follow the overcharitable logic of giving everything you own to charity.

 

Did I mention that I was a needy cause?

 

Keep posting. Will check more often to help you get through this one.

 

B

[Tormented]

Now T, think straight. First, it's borderline's job to look after him now. He made the decision to entrust his moral welfare with her. Second, you are not failing to do any duties to him. You have none. Neither between you and society nor between you and yourself. The reason is that the entity, the bundle of experiences and interactions, that you had moral duties to no longer exists. It is altered and to a degree that is clearly beyond insignificance. Now you may want to, but step back and you will begin to see that your desire stems from a misperception.

 

Once again, you speak the truth, B. The truth is always hard to hear, and worse, ACCEPT, but it's the one thing that prevents me from making stupid mistakes. Thank you for putting things back into perspective, B.

 

Yes, you're right...he DID choose to entrust his welfare to the borderline. Dumb as that may be, as DESPERATE as that may be, he did, nevertheless, do so. Something I remind myself of everytime he calls here and sits silently, or everytime he zips by me in his logging truck (perhaps wrecked logging truck now?), smiling or waving. The truth NEVER abandons me then, so I'm a little taken aback that the truth has eluded me in this case.

 

I can't help it, B. I'm terrified it WAS him and all kinds of scenerios are running through my head right now. Is he okay? Is he semi-wounded, laying on his couch healing at home? Is he in a hospital somewhere in the crital care unit? Or...is he dead? I can't help but think if that were the case, SOMEBODY would notify me. Or perhaps not. I don't know...things between us ended on a horrible note. As for the borderline, I don't know if they're still together or not. I truly don't because I haven't bothered to find out. Haven't spoken to him in over 2 months. But I find it strange that he has tried to contact me several times since our breakup, and now I learn that she's chasing her soon-to-be ex-husband around town putting notes on his truck and calling him nonstop asking him to take her back....first telling him how much she loves him, and when he refuses to accept her back, she then threatens to "wipe him out" in the divorce. Seems to me Borderline queen wants back with hubby pretty bad. So, if my ex is trying to contact me, and borderline is chasing hubby around...either their relationship is as miserable as we all knew it would be and they both want out, or - they are no longer together. Don't know, don't care. But I DO care if he's dead or alive...regardless if she's in the picture or not. Screw her...I have no respect for her. I just want to know if he's okay. I have no plans to rush to his side, I just need to know to put my mind at ease.

 

But I do understand what you're saying about my not having responsibility to him anymore. You're right, I don't. But I do care what happens to him...if he's dead or alive. I can't help it...

 

What if it was him? What are you going to do? Bury the hatchet? The accident doesn't change anything T. If it was your duty to forgive him and engage in rapprochement, then you would have been wrong, heartattack or no heartattack. But you aren't wrong. It's weird not doing what you would be so used to doing normally. I can identify with your feeling totally because I went through something similar. But I look back and I can blame myself for nothing. In fact, I think I did far more than could be expected of me anyway by still being in contact with her in the first place! Look after yourself. If you don't, Green and I will try to , but essentially, nobody else will! So don't put yourself in harm's way and risk giving him a green light. If you follow the logic of trying to help this guy, then you follow the overcharitable logic of giving everything you own to charity.

 

No, I'm not ready to bury the hatchet. I do that, then I stand to be hacked by that hatchet again. I like it right where it is....visible before me as a reminder of how sharp and fatal it can be should I unwisely entertain the thought of allowing him back in to my life.

 

The accident, IF it was him, or his condition as a result changes nothing. What was done was done and NOTHING can fix that. I did leave a brief message on his cell yesterday after hearing the news. Thought it over for a few hours and made the decision to call. Told him I heard about the accident, that I heard the truck was blue and with his company, and I hoped it wasn't him and that he was okay. I left it at that. I didn't get emotional, nor allow panic or worry to creep into my tone...just said it in a calm tone. I have yet to receive a return call from him, which I find odd. And to be honest, that worries me even more because I'm fairly certain he would call back...if he could, that is. I haven't called his sister or friends yet, instead...I asked another logger I know to look into it and find out what he can. He said he'd get back to me as soon as he got word. At this point, I haven't done anything. Just don't want to jump the gun and do something I'll regret later. It's a VERY difficult situation under these circumstances. In the meantime...I continue to pace.

 

Did I mention that I was a needy cause?

 

Yes, but YOU'RE a cherity WORTH giving to!!!

 

Keep posting. Will check more often to help you get through this one.

 

Thank you, B. I DO need help here...I'm a wreck!! What would I do without you and Green?????

 

Love you guys,

 

~T~

[Greensleaves]

Tormented, only quick, because I can't be online for too long tonight; I do hope it was not him, just because i wouldn't want anybody to have a heart attack and a resulting accident.

I think you did just the right thing. You left a message: if he can't reply right now because it was him then he will still find out later and will see that you are concerned but not as much as for him to ask to come back, ensured by your neutral tone. And you asked someone who can find out but is not that close to him that he will take it as an invitation, e.g. not a sibling or a close friend. There is not much more you can do or should do right now. I do understand you want to find out and I think you should but yepp, rushing to the hospital wouldn't be a good idea, so you are doing the right thing.

It sounds as if borderline won't be a big help and it does sound as if they might have broken up already. But it is true, it is not your responsibilitiy right now to do something for him. By leaving a message you let him know that you care, but as you would for an acquaintance or a distant friend.

Will post more tomorrow.

 

Take care, I do understand, I would be worried sick, too, but don't let it get to you too much! Hang in there!

 

Green

[Greensleaves]

Tormented, I will be supportive, whatever you decide to do if it turns out to be him; I am saying this because it would be so tough for me to decide what to do then. However, only rush out to do something and risk being thrown back in your healing process if you think you can't forgive yourself if you don't. It is like B said, you don't owe him anything and it is not your responsibility in societies and most people's eyes, including myself. However, if you think not doing anything will make you feel worse in the long run (if he is bad that is) then do what you think you have to do. Just think it through and don't rush a decision like B did.

 

XO

Green

[Tormented]

Found out this morning that the driver was NOT my ex, and the driver who was involved escaped serious injury. That's certainly a blessing considering how bad the accident was.

 

The truck he was driving IS the same color blue as the one my ex drives which is what drove me into a panic. Apparently, the driver fell asleep at the wheel and struck a powerline pole, knocking it down, then rolling down a hill. It really is a miracle he wasn't critically injured, or worse. So, I can breath easy now. Damn, this certainly threw a scare in me and I don't need it!

 

My ex didn't pay me the common courtesy of returning my call to let me know he was okay. I found out through my logging friend who called me with word this morning.

 

I just find it sick that my ex takes great delight in calling me and then sitting there silently when I answer, but can't return my call of concern to let me know he's okay. What a jerk!

 

Just ANOTHER reminder of why I dumped him.

 

Thank you, B, for helping me through this.

 

~T~

[Greensleaves]

oops, I meant like B did in the sense of 'who let his head decide while his Ex was in hospital' which turned out to be the smarter decision. Guess I didn't phrase that particularly well. Sorry.

[Tormented]

When I entered my last post to B, I didn't see your reply up. You must have just entered it when I entered mine! Lol...

 

You probably read my post to B and know that it wasn't my ex. Although the truck was the same color blue as my ex's, it was a different driver and I am happy to report that the driver wasn't seriously injured...thank God! I tell you, Green, I was in a mass panic yesterday waiting for news, ANY news on the driver's identity and condition. It was horrible...I was actually pacing my floor wondering what to do.

 

But what I find disgusting is that my ex never did return my call of concern, instead, my logging friend contacted me this morning with the news. Like I said to B - it's sick that my ex can call here (frequently) and sit silent on the other end when I answer, but can't call me back to let me know he's okay. How's THAT for rude???

 

What a complete jerk he is. Ah...but that's alright. Because from what I've recently learned, the borderline is up to her tricks again and he's about to get his!

 

And as mean as it is...I'm laughing my ass off!

 

Thank you, Green, for being here for me. Like I said to B...what would I do without you guys???

 

~T~

[Greensleaves]

Hey Tormented,

good news after all. Yepp, it is pretty rude that he didn't return your call or at least sent a text or something to show that he appreciates your concerns. Oh well. So I guess it is true, it just reminded you why you dumped him. So some good in it after all.

He must be a super jerk, really. Calling you all the time and when you finally leave a message for him he can't even respond with a messaeg of courtesy. You know, he is stuck with borderline anyways, so even if it wasn't completely planned on his part, there seems to be a reason why they are stuck together...

 

Green

[Mary3]

What a heartless Jerk ! He still has your concerns ( I know you care still ) but he has them and manipulates to the Nth degree . He could have called and said he was fine but is a spineless piece of work who broke your heart and went back with Psycho Chick and ( while reluctantly taking her in like a bird with a broken wing ) and likely at gunpoint ( as he would like you to believe ) he takes her BACK **** because *** he still felt something for her psychotic sexiness and still obesesses over you in some strange fashion.

 

I say let her rot ! I say let him wallow in his own pool of misery created. I say YOU need to go on some dates girl ! Find a man ( someday ) who will treat you like the way you REALLY deserve to be treated.

 

Nuff said

[empathyfriends]

Hi my dear..

Its sad to hear you story.. I been thru it not as bad as u.. but its really hurt so deeply. Wat U can do now juz think of his negative side instead of positive.. Guy juz hard to trust.. Start to think for yourself my dear.. Remember this "Trust, Honest and Loyal to guys will never get paid!" Believe me.. They r born greedy! Lots of XXOO. Take care.

[B-3128]

2nd best case scenario. Good work T!

[Tormented]

Yepp, it is pretty rude that he didn't return your call or at least sent a text or something to show that he appreciates your concerns.

 

You're gonna love this one, Green...

 

Monday morning as I drove out onto the main street from the street I live on, I noticed a logging truck parked on the side of the road close to my street. As I approached, I took a close look and sure enough, it was my ex. I guess that was his way of letting me know he was okay, and because he remained parked (the truck still running, his headlights on), I don't know if he was hoping I'd stop or not, but I just kept driving past. As soon as I did, he put his truck in forward and drove on. But he deliberately waiting for me...don't know why, but there he was.

 

THEN...on my lunch break he drove by me again, looking straight at me as he drove by. So, I picked up my cell and left a message on his. I said, "Okay, I've seen your truck and I can breath easy now. That's all I need to know. Bye-bye." And that was it.

 

And all of a sudden, I don't see him today! lol...

 

I don't think that was the response he wanted. Don't know WHAT he was looking for but apparently that wasn't it. Lol....

 

You know, he is stuck with borderline anyways, so even if it wasn't completely planned on his part, there seems to be a reason why they are stuck together...

 

Yeah, it's called CONVENIENCE...on both sides. My ex has told me on more than one occasion that he can NOT be alone. When I walked out on him, he no doubt panicked and took the borderline back. This is not to say he didn't have feelings for her, I think he did...but I think it was his intense anger toward her that kept him tied to her. He never got over what she did to him, but I think what's happened here is now that she's back, he has found that he doesn't feel for her what he thought he did. Sometimes that happens. We THINK we love somebody, we think about them, even fantasize about them when in reality it's ANGER we feel and mistake it for love. Then, we that person is back we realize it's not love we feel but something else. I think that's the case here, but rather than be alone, he keeps her around. No, I'm not in denial...I just know my ex. Hence, why he keeps calling me but can't work up the guts to say something. My guess is that if I told him I was coming back, he'd probably toss her out. Why? Because he's obviously NOT happy with her, doesn't trust her (for good reason), and has satisfied whatever feelings he THOUGHT he had for her. So...he keeps her around.

 

Her? Well, the fact that she's chased her husband around town leaving notes on his truck, calling him constantly, and asking if she can come back to him tells me that she's not a happy camper either. Apparently, the "love nest" ain't so cozy for either of them. I think whatever they once had died at some point and they are both realizing. Sometimes it takes being around the other person to discover it. Problem? The 2 people they hurt are gone...won't take them back and I think they both regret what they've done. She HAS to stay with him because she's got no money, no friends, no job or job skills, so she's completely reliant on him for support. And if I know my ex, he's making her life a living hell. He harbored deep anger towards her and this is his chance to "even the score." And I think that's exactly what he's doing and she's most likely miserable.

 

And so, there they are...stuck looking at each other, and apparently, both are very unhappy. But oh well. They should had thought about that BEFORE they broke the hearts of 2 people who loved them.

 

Her husand and I don't have to lift a finger to "get back" at them. They are doing a bang-up job on each other WITHOUT our assistance.

 

Now...THAT'S what I call JUSTICE!!!

 

~T~

[Tormented]

What a heartless Jerk ! He still has your concerns ( I know you care still ) but he has them and manipulates to the Nth degree .

 

Mary, it's so good to hear from you again. I wondered where you've been and hoped you'd pop by again!

 

Yes, unfortunately I do still care but not to the degree that I'd do something stupid like going back to him. But, in all honestly, I would have worried if it was ANY body I knew involved in an accident like that. I would have fretted just the same and would have been pacing the floors until I found out they were okay.

 

 

He could have called and said he was fine but is a spineless piece of work who broke your heart and went back with Psycho Chick and ( while reluctantly taking her in like a bird with a broken wing ) and likely at gunpoint ( as he would like you to believe ) he takes her BACK **** because *** he still felt something for her psychotic sexiness and still obesesses over you in some strange fashion.

 

Don't know if you read my post to Green, but Monday morning as I pulled out of my street for work, I found him sitting idle in his truck close to my street waiting for me to pull out. I suppose it was his way of letting me know he was okay, and the fact that he was parked, I'm guessing he was hoping I'd pull over and talk to him. I didn't...just kept driving by. He then moved forward and drove away. I later left a message on his cell, saying that I saw his truck, could rest easily now and that was all I needed to know. I left it at that. Don't think that was the response he was hoping for because I didn't see him at all today. Lol....

 

As far as the psycho borderline, as I said to Green...I think things are so lovey-dovey between them. She's busy chasing her soon-to-be ex-husband around town...leaving notes on his truck and calling him nonstop, asking to come back to him. He has refused, doesn't even want to talk to her, so she's basically stuck living with my ex. Well hell - what else is she going to do? She doesn't work, has no job skills, has no friends, her family has turned their backs on her because they're sick of her sh*t, which leaves her dependent upon my ex for support.

 

He, on the other hand, obviously doesn't want her. I was told he doesn't come home till late (something he never did to me...ALWAYS came home on time, if not early), has tried numerous times to contact me but can't work up the balls to say anything when I answer, and I've no doubt he feels trapped. But this man can NOT be alone...something he has said to me himself several times...so keeping her around is better than being alone. I say that because I know him, and I know what's going on with him.

 

But you know Mary....tough sh*t for both of them!!! They should have thought about his when they were busy breaking the hearts of 2 people that loved them. And now those 2 people are gone. And there they sit, looking at each other and no doubt disgusted with themselves and each other. Me and the husband? We're free to do as we please and to find a mate that will make us happy and not mistreat us nor take us for granted. The way I see it, the husband and I came out on top in this deal.

 

I say let her rot ! I say let him wallow in his own pool of misery created. I say YOU need to go on some dates girl ! Find a man ( someday ) who will treat you like the way you REALLY deserve to be treated.

 

A BIG amen to that, Mary!

 

I gotta tell ya, Mary. I DO love you spunk, girl!!!

 

~T~

[Tormented]

Hi my dear..

Its sad to hear you story.. I been thru it not as bad as u.. but its really hurt so deeply. Wat U can do now juz think of his negative side instead of positive.. Guy juz hard to trust.. Start to think for yourself my dear.. Remember this "Trust, Honest and Loyal to guys will never get paid!" Believe me.. They r born greedy! Lots of XXOO. Take care.

 

Hello Empathy...thank you for your response.

 

You know, I have always tried hard not to become a bitter woman...a man hater, per se. But this last breakup has left quite a sour taste in my mouth and I fear permanent damage being done. I pray that it's not, but it doesn't seem to be passing as easily as other breakups I've had in the past. This one is different...MUCH more painful. My heart just doesn't seem to be healing this time...no matter how hard I try.

 

I agree, though, men ARE hard to trust. But then, there are plenty of broken hearted men on this board that will say the same thing...that women are hard to trust. So, I don't think it's a gender thing as much as it is a PEOPLE thing. Selfishness, greed, cold-heartedness, and game-playing are traits that BOTH genders claim, so it seems. Hence, the myriad of broken hearts.

 

I can tell you that I definitely have trust issues now. And I can tell you that I have scars that weren't there BEFORE I met him. I feel like a war vet who has just staggered out of an ambush and wondering what the hell just happened.

 

I'm not okay yet....but I will be.

 

~T~

[Tormented]

2nd best case scenario. Good work T!

 

And the 1st case scenario would be....???

 

~T~

[Greensleaves]

Because he's obviously NOT happy with her, doesn't trust her (for good reason), and has satisfied whatever feelings he THOUGHT he had for her. So...he keeps her around.

 

You know what Tormented, I almost feel sorry for him. Honestly he is in a **** place in life right now and there is not much of a way out for him except maybe for moving (into a smaller flat where he can't take borderline with him) or even out of the area. So yepp, definitely justice couldn't have served you any better

 

Her? Well, the fact that she's chased her husband around town leaving notes on his truck, calling him constantly, and asking if she can come back to him tells me that she's not a happy camper either. Apparently, the "love nest" ain't so cozy for either of them. I think whatever they once had died at some point and they are both realizing. Sometimes it takes being around the other person to discover it. Problem? The 2 people they hurt are gone...won't take them back and I think they both regret what they've done.

 

Gosh, that of course must bruise his ego, too, took her back out of a panic and now she is chasing Ex hubby who for obvious reasons doesn't want her back. Hu what a soap opera. It is actually quite comical except for the fact that you are involved in it and obviously still hurt.

 

Actually, even though it doesn't look like it, you are in a good spot. You didn't demean yourself to play their stupid game, kept your dignity and all and besides showed even generosity by letting him know that you care enough that you don't want people suffer from accidents. He is just silly, that he couldn't bring up the courage to actually return your message or talk to you. I bet he despises himself for it. Kinda a little funny, though, you let him know that you saw him but that you didn't show a desire to actually contact him in person, so he must feel super stupid after your second message.

 

Keep us posted what's going on.

 

Green

[Tormented]

You know what Tormented, I almost feel sorry for him. Honestly he is in a **** place in life right now and there is not much of a way out for him except maybe for moving (into a smaller flat where he can't take borderline with him) or even out of the area. So yepp, definitely justice couldn't have served you any better

 

Nope, he can't move to another place. He owns the house he's in so moving away isn't an option for him. See the spot he's in? BUT - it's a spot HE placed himself in to. So, it's one that he'll have to get HIMSELF out of...if he's got the gonads to do it.

 

 

 

Gosh, that of course must bruise his ego, too, took her back out of a panic and now she is chasing Ex hubby who for obvious reasons doesn't want her back. Hu what a soap opera. It is actually quite comical except for the fact that you are involved in it and obviously still hurt.

 

I don't know if he's aware of this. I found it out from her husband but I'm not sure this little tidbit has been passed on to my ex. And it's NOT something I will tell him. He'll find out, sooner or later. This is a small town and secrets aren't easily kept here. But really...when he does find out why would it surprise him? I mean, she did it to him before - did he REALLY think it would be any different this time? I also found out that she's been married 5 (yep, 5!!!) time before, and according to the husband's friend, who has known her most of her life, she did this to every husband. So, she's a hardcore, chronic Borderline if there ever was one. Something he's about to find out.

 

Actually, even though it doesn't look like it, you are in a good spot. You didn't demean yourself to play their stupid game, kept your dignity and all and besides showed even generosity by letting him know that you care enough that you don't want people suffer from accidents. He is just silly, that he couldn't bring up the courage to actually return your message or talk to you. I bet he despises himself for it. Kinda a little funny, though, you let him know that you saw him but that you didn't show a desire to actually contact him in person, so he must feel super stupid after your second message.

 

Ha! Yeah...he know doubt perked up on my first message expressing concern for his safety. So he shows up bright and early the next morning to let me know he's alright, and then gets a message from me saying that I saw his truck, that I could rest easy now, and that was all I needed to know. No doubt his "hope" crashed and burned. But what the hell does he expect? For me to welcome him back with open arms after what he's done? And I'm sure he knows I'm aware that it is HIM who is calling here and sitting silent. What does he want from me??? What is the purpose in this???

 

So maddening....

 

Once again I saw him today during my lunch break. I just drove by, as I always do. Such drama...and I'm getting sick of it.

 

Keep us posted what's going on.

 

Oh, no doubt they'll be more. There ALWAYS is in this saga.

 

~T~

[ur mom]

wow, thats ruff. but its good to hear your doing better now. im sure not everything was bad about this guy but for the most part he does sound like a jackass! you will do so much better in the future and b thankful that u didnt take him back. good luck and keep ur head up!

[Greensleaves]

Gosh, how does borderline manage to still find men that want to marry her after she has been married five times? The world is strange.

Well I guess you are right, he will find out eventually, but if she has done all this before he won't be surprised. Gosh, it must be like groundhog day for him. Oh sure, nobody can help him to get out of this mess except for himself. If he doesn't have to balls to do it he most likely will remain unhappy forever. What a drama.

 

What he is trying to achieve? Don't know, I guess he is hoping for a way out. But unless he has got the guts to actively change things nothing will happen. I guess he is waiting for a miracle or something. Those are pretty rare these days, though.

Jeez, the fact that you left a message for him would have been the perfect opportunity to get the act together and at least speak up instead of continuing silent phone calls, but obviously he even blew that one. Lost courage, pride, whatever.

 

But again, I am just repeating the same thing; even though you are understandably sick of all this drama and want it to end etc; you will walk out of this as the winner and more over the decent person, which will not only gain the respect of others but your very own as well.

Hang in there, Tormented, you are doing good after all.

[B-3128]

T, glad you made it through your crisis. Things went a lot better than I expected. First best would have been him having had the decency to reply. I have been really really busy lately. Working straight through the weekend and beyond... 10 hour days until Friday I think. I know I promised to post more, so my apologies for breaking that promise.

 

Well, it's her birthday tomorrow. I bought her a card, but I haven't sent it yet. It's a big deal for me!!! No, really! I'm very hesitant.

 

I don't know if I'm being really foolish and self-negligent, but I put a note in there asking her if she wants to grab a burger for lunch next week. I rejected her coffee invite a month ago, 1) because I wasn't so ready, and 2) because coffee is such a cheerless drink for that sort of scenario!

 

 

Still, there's time to change my mind. I only want not to have to worry about any awkward encounters in the street. Otherwise, I don't really want to be good friends with her again, nor do I want her in my life. She would add nothing positive. Normalise, then minimise diplomatic relations with the enemy. That's the goal.

 

B

[Tormented]

Gosh, how does borderline manage to still find men that want to marry her after she has been married five times? The world is strange.

 

You have to understand the sick dynamics of a Borderline to understand this one...and even when you DO understand the disease, it's still baffling at best. Something B, or other victims of Borderlines can attest to. You know, I knew some things about her while I was with my ex - things she did to him and others, but I didn't know the extent of it. I didn't know she had children that were taken away from her that she can't be bothered with, nor did I know she was married five times. I knew she was married twice, had no idea there was a string of ex-husbands, nor did I know that she did the same thing to each other them. I did know, however, that she was a druggie and that she was diagnosed Borderline Personality. But how she managed to snag five husbands is beyond me. She truly is on the homely side....short, chunky, sloppy...but there you have it! Yep...strange indeed.

 

Well I guess you are right, he will find out eventually, but if she has done all this before he won't be surprised.

 

The fact that he DOES know what she's capable of, and allow her back in despite this, is what I, and many others, find strange. True enough, he didn't know she was like this the first time around, but he can't fall back on that excuse THIS time around. So basically, when she screws him again (and she will...she's already tried but her soon-to-be ex hubby won't have her back), he's got but only himself to blame. By that time, I'll be gone.

 

 

What he is trying to achieve? Don't know, I guess he is hoping for a way out.

 

Well, if that's the case he's barking up the wrong tree. I can never forgive him for what he's done, or the deep pain he's caused me. It's left a huge scar on my heart, one that will most likely be there for the remainder of my life, or at least, it feels that way. I can't blame him for wanting out, I would too. But he DID get himself into this and now he's caught. Stupid, stupid man!

 

Jeez, the fact that you left a message for him would have been the perfect opportunity to get the act together and at least speak up instead of continuing silent phone calls, but obviously he even blew that one. Lost courage, pride, whatever.

 

I think, knowing him as I do, he wants very badly to talk to me but he also knows what he did was a horrible thing to do to. I think he fears what I have to say, the questions I'll ask him. That would force him to face what he did and he hasn't a leg to stand on. I think he knows he has lost me for good, and doesn't want to hear it. So, he again takes the coward's way out by calling me and sitting silent instead of speaking up. I had no idea he was this much of a coward until now.

 

But again, I am just repeating the same thing; even though you are understandably sick of all this drama and want it to end etc; you will walk out of this as the winner and more over the decent person, which will not only gain the respect of others but your very own as well.

Hang in there, Tormented, you are doing good after all.

 

 

Thank you so much, Green. I can only hope to walk out as a winner. But I would be lying to you and myself if I said I don't miss him. I do. Yeah, I know...it's nuts. After what he did I don't think anybody would blame me for hating him. And sometimes I do feel hate. But as they say, hate and love are closely related. It's an emotional yo-yo I seem to be on and I hate it. Like everybody here, I hope to have a happy ending. I hope my life unfolds unto something better. I hope I can look back at all of this with no regrets.

 

Guess time will tell...

 

Green, did you get my private message to you?

 

~T~

[Tormented]

T, glad you made it through your crisis. Things went a lot better than I expected. First best would have been him having had the decency to reply.

 

Well, yeah...but apparently he hasn't the gonads to do the decent thing. Yet, he continues to call and sit silently on the other end. Think I may have put an end to it last Wednesday when I got fed up and called his cell, telling him that if he doesn't have the balls to speak up then he needs to stop calling me. So far, I haven't received one silent or hang up call. Amazing, isn't it???

 

I have been really really busy lately. Working straight through the weekend and beyond... 10 hour days until Friday I think. I know I promised to post more, so my apologies for breaking that promise.

 

Oh B...I bet you're tired! Don't sweat not writing when you said you would, I completely understand. Sometimes, life gets hectic and it certainly sounds like yours has. Just remember to get some rest when you can, okay?

 

Well, it's her birthday tomorrow. I bought her a card, but I haven't sent it yet. It's a big deal for me!!! No, really! I'm very hesitant.

 

And for good reason! Are you sure you want to open this can of worms? Are you SURE you're strong enough to resist her Borderline charm? I know you've gotten stronger, have grown. But don't risk it...you've worked so hard and have come so far. Just don't want to see you have a set back.

 

I don't know if I'm being really foolish and self-negligent, but I put a note in there asking her if she wants to grab a burger for lunch next week. I rejected her coffee invite a month ago, 1) because I wasn't so ready, and 2) because coffee is such a cheerless drink for that sort of scenario!

 

You know, I was thinking about that the other day. What is it about "going out for coffee" these days? We all know we're not going out for a love of coffee. We're going there to see them, to talk to them...to test the waters, per se. But to say, "hey...let's go talk," we instead choose to say..."hey, let's meet for some coffee." Guess throwing coffee in there makes it seem less serious, less dangerous, eh?

 

Personally, I don't know if it's a good idea for you to meet her face to face, but you know where you're at better than I do. However, if you think there's even a remote chance of getting hurt or being set back by seeing her or talking to her, then don't do it! It's your decision, of course, but proceed with extreme caution, B.

 

 

Still, there's time to change my mind. I only want not to have to worry about any awkward encounters in the street. Otherwise, I don't really want to be good friends with her again, nor do I want her in my life. She would add nothing positive. Normalise, then minimise diplomatic relations with the enemy. That's the goal.

 

I do understand where you're coming from here. I'm facing the same thing on a daily basis. As you know, I see my ex just about everyday as he zips by me in his truck. It's so hard. I can see his logging truck heading towards me well before he passes by. And each time, my gut tightens. Sometimes he stares straight at me, and other times he musters a smile. I just look straight ahead and pretend I don't see him. But it's VERY awkward, ya know? It also hurts when I think about how close we once were, how much we loved each other, shared so many times together, were each other's best friend...and now we don't even speak.

 

As you know, B, I recently found out that the Borderline is chasing her husband around town trying to get him to take her back but he refuses. She leaves notes on his truck, she has called him so much that he finally had to change his number. Last week, she ran up to him while he was at the bank and tried to hug him. He pushed her away, got back into his truck and sped off. She's doing it again, just like she did the first time she lived with my ex.

 

A part of me wants to contact my ex and tell him what I know. Why? Because even though I go on about what a horrible person he is, he was good to me when we were together. He did things to help me out as I did him. There truly was a friendship between us. I know she's going to hurt him bad again, and I honestly hate to see it happen. Yeah....I know. He doesn't deserve the heads up, in fact, he deserves what he's about to get...and we both know he will.

 

BUT - I still hate to see him hurt like that. Thing is, I do want him to know, NOT because it would give he and I a chance to go back together - that will NEVER happen, too much damage done - but because I don't want to see him destroyed. I know he's not aware of what she's doing, and I know she's putting on the "lovey-dovey" act and he most likely believes she's genuine this time around. It's easier for him to fool himself, to be in denial.

 

But I do still care what happens to him. So, do you think it's a bad idea to tell him? Or should I just keep my mouth shut and secretly hope for the best?

 

Anyhow...did you send the card or are you having doubts?

 

~T~

[Mary3]

It sounds like you still care about him *Tormented.

 

Now as long as you have no residual feelings for him , then this should be fine to be concerned that he does not take a destructive path towards death or suicide. Not to say its on his mind but he has quite a past and has lost you for good.

 

It is NOT your fault if he wallows in depression, wrecks his logging truck , feels bitter mean and nasty towards life. It is YOUR responsibility to move forward and if a giant boulder crushes him and his spirit then that was the path for him.

 

Of course you care and if you want to care about him then thats fine. You sound so very stable and level headed. He is on the destructive path in life. You can only watch from the sidelines.....

[burning 4 revenge]

my god i hurt so bad

[Mary3]

my god i hurt so bad

 

whats wrong ?