My God...I hurt SO bad!!!

[Spidey12]

Hello Spidey...

 

I've many things to say to you, and I will. Right now I'm having a hard time....memories of the ex has decided to bite me in the ass today and I'm really struggling.

 

I know you're hurting and you need feedback as soon as possible. I promise to return shortly and give you my two cents worth.

 

In the meantime...DO NOTHING. Give it more time, listen to what others here have to say...sit tight.

 

I'll give you more when I'm feeling better.

 

~T~

 

Ok. I'll be waiting to hear from you. Feel better.

[Greensleaves]

Today...I sit here in front of my computer with a heavy heart. I've cried often, off and on - something I thought I was well beyond.

 

Until it start snowing.

 

Snow reminds me of him...of us. Of happier times. SO many good times spent together while the snow fell outside our window.

 

Dear Tormented, I am sorry to hear. Seems like all of us didn't really have a good weekend. Gloomy Sunday, I call it. (There is bittersweet song called like that was performed by a zillion artists by now like Billie Holiday or Heather Nova but originally from a guy from Budapest in the roaring 20ies)

I do think the same us you guys, especially you and B, will I ever get over him? I am not sure as of yet and yes one would think that 4 months should have done something at least...

 

Maybe it was him calling, Tormented, and there is a good chance that the snow reminds him of the same: the good times you shared. I wished there was anything to be done in your case to alliviate the whole thing, but I am afraid there is nothing. The only thing would be him owning up to his stuff and at least apologize, but let's face it, the only thing that that might bring is that you feel a little better for a short period but then the misery will kick in again, because you know you can't go back and actually talking to him or facing him personally migh bring back the chemistry. So I think there is no winning situation, is there? I am trying hard to find a positive scenario, but the only one I can conjure is the one when you are finally over him and ready to meet someone else and the flaw with that is that it might take quite some time still. Sorry. I hope at least Christmas will be bearable with all your family around. They might prevent you from thinking of him at least for a little while.

 

Sorry I can't be more positive but I struggled a lot this weekend myself and cried a lot as well.

 

Lots of Hugs

 

Green

[Greensleaves]

Hey Spidey,

 

honestly, there is nothing you can do as of now. You have to wait until her BF is gone and let her come to senses and decide what she wants to do. Or else you gotta walk away yourself if you dread the outcome and rather do not want to get involved.

 

I know what you mean with the phone calls, but of course, she can't just not take the phone calls of her BF when she is with you because he will ask what she was up to and she doesn't want to tell him that she was hanging out with you and that she can't take phone calls while she is hanging out with you. He is her BF still after all, at least at the time of writing. Of course she won't take your calls when she is with him, because she doesn't want to offend him, especially now as he came all the way for them to figure out whether it is worthwhile continuing.

 

I am afraid you just have to be patient in that case and keep yourself occupied. There is nothing you can do to make her decide for you, on the contrary, the more you keep pushing for her decision, the more she will back away.

 

Green

[Greensleaves]

Why will I never get over this girl?! It's been 4 months... a third of a year and I'm still thinking about it every day! I'm just getting so so tired...

 

Sometimes I just wish I could go to sleep until it's all over.

 

B

 

 

I know, B, I know. I have to force myself to get up every single day, too, because I like yourself would just like to sleep over it and wake up and be the old Green again, that cute girl with the positive streak and endless energy that everybody liked. Guess, it is not going to happen. We gotta pull us out there ourselves. How? I don't have a clue as of now. Tried several things but relief was only very temporary. So let's blame it on the season. I mean, honestly it is a VERY difficult season to be crossed in love, right?

Green

[Spidey12]

Hey Spidey,

 

honestly, there is nothing you can do as of now. You have to wait until her BF is gone and let her come to senses and decide what she wants to do. Or else you gotta walk away yourself if you dread the outcome and rather do not want to get involved.

 

I know what you mean with the phone calls, but of course, she can't just not take the phone calls of her BF when she is with you because he will ask what she was up to and she doesn't want to tell him that she was hanging out with you and that she can't take phone calls while she is hanging out with you. He is her BF still after all, at least at the time of writing. Of course she won't take your calls when she is with him, because she doesn't want to offend him, especially now as he came all the way for them to figure out whether it is worthwhile continuing.

 

I am afraid you just have to be patient in that case and keep yourself occupied. There is nothing you can do to make her decide for you, on the contrary, the more you keep pushing for her decision, the more she will back away.

 

Green

 

My car was totaled this morning....the first thing I did was text her...she texted back immediatly and then we said goodbye and that was that. I'm regreting doing it though, it makes me come off as needy...when I'm really not.

[B-3128]

Tormented, B, greenleaf, and MagnoliaJaNE..

 

You are all very powerful people and I admire the amount of self worth and self value you have implemented upon yourselves. I can only hope that my own experiences allow me the luxury of the kind of self respect you seem to command. I am very much in need of your advice. Though I've posted this in another thread, I'll copy it here. Feel free to break it down into bits and respond to it however you deem necessary.

 

 

I cannot begin to describe to you the incredible amount of anxiety coursing through my body at this moment. I've been through many odd and trying situations with girls, but I've never been faced with anything as troubling as this.

I'm a model for Tommy Hilfiger and thus I come across many beautiful women more than eager to begin a relationship with me. But I'm rather selective. Beauty is only skin deep, and more often than not I find myself intensly attracted to women who most would not consider SUPER AMAZINGLY DROP DEAD GORGEOUS-esque.

In any case, I met this girl who had a boyfriend of 7 years. (you may remember me talking about this in previous threads, but it is irrevelent)

 

We fell madly in love with each other, in a way that I have never experienced before.

 

Did you? Think it through... if she was madly in love with you properly, she wouldn't keep him around. Odds are she's not 100% certain of you. That's why she keeps him on the scene. Watch out...

 

And so you get put in the lose lose situation. Be a prick and demand extra attention. Or be a wuss and let her carry on. And when you're a prick, she thinks you're insecure and unattractive. And when you're a wuss, she will be even less secure about you because she thinks you don't care so much... otherwise you would have been a prick...

 

This is a common problem girls put guys through. The solution? A good firm chat. Get EVERYTHING out on the table. Even tell her you get worried. Make it completely clear that you are not happy how things are. That you can't take it forever. And that SHE needs to find a solution. Because there's only so much you can take. Don't let her take you for granted. People, both good and bad, will do that if you let them. Get her thinking and acting with you in consideration. Don't let her think that just because you love her, she has a right to put you through anything. Leave the choice entirely up to her. But make it clear that you're not happy and that you are thinking seriously whether you can carry on like this. What's worse? 10 years of minus 100 points or one year of minus 400?

 

I've thought about dropping the "Will you marry me?" to this girl so many times.

 

Her boyfriend lives far away, several states away. About a month ago she left him because of her increasingly apparent feelings for me. However, shortly after she began having doubts. She decided it would be best to wait until he visited her here for thanksgiving to decide how she felt about him.

 

Classic. Classic classic classic. Women will do this unless you rein them in. Men will too. Don't permit such bad behaviour. Know where you stand and don't allow yourself to be treated like this. You are not an always present object on the shelf. Doesn't sound like this girl is taking you seriously dude. Have you read my "A really nasty story" thread? I had this done to me so much. She wouldn't tell her ex that she was going out with me because she feared he wouldn't want to be friends with her. Wanted him there in case we broke up... How offensive! And I had pretty much an identical experience when she decided to spend a couple of days with him to "sort things out". You know what she did? She went and had sex with him, dumped him, and then came back and got me. How pathetic of me to allow myself to be treated like that. Don't take this s***. Don't. I wish to God I never did...

 

So he came here and stayed with her for Thanksgiving (hes still here now, he leaves tomorrow). She texts me every now and then. I don't initiate any contact, I let her get in touch with me. During the entire past few days she called me once, and that was yesterday...when her boyfriend had left somewhere.

 

Most of you are inclined to tell me that she is not worth it and that I should move on. However, I have exasperated that option and after much deliberation and vigilance on the matter, I've decided that I could never just move on and forget about her. There's too much at risk if I just throw her aside.

 

About 20 minutes ago I had a fit of intense desire to speak to her, and I called her. She did not pick up. I assume its because he is with her and she doesn't want to offend him (he knows about me). The problem I have with this is that when I am with her and he calls, she leaves the room and answers him.

 

I'm at a loss as to what I should do. When he leaves, I'm wondering if they will have gotten back together. I wonder if they will decide not to get back together. And if they don't what should I do? What if she asks for more time?

 

 

I'm looking for advice on what it is I should do to completely make her want me. Do I just do N/C...randomly?

 

Ahhhh. Where do I go from here?

 

 

NC this girl. Go on vacation. Make her worry. Punish the animal. It's the only way. Carry on as you are and you will only end up being taken more and more for granted. You will end up losing all pride and self respect. Being subjected to even more crap. It's not gonna get better if you carry on like this. Do you really want that? And this doesn't have anything to do with you being a male model. Everyone has something good about them, but this is just demanding basic respect. I'd say the same if you were butt ugly.

 

B

[Spidey12]

NC this girl. Go on vacation. Make her worry. Punish the animal. It's the only way. Carry on as you are and you will only end up being taken more and more for granted. You will end up losing all pride and self respect. Being subjected to even more crap. It's not gonna get better if you carry on like this. Do you really want that? And this doesn't have anything to do with you being a male model. Everyone has something good about them, but this is just demanding basic respect. I'd say the same if you were butt ugly.

 

B

 

 

I like what you said. It gives me a peace of mind. I've reread it several times. Thank you.

[Spidey12]

By the way, she talks about me to him. Like she had a dream about me a few nights ago, and she told him about it. I wonder why she tells him about me. Maybe she wanted to come clean with him so that she can start anew with him. Maybe she told him about me to end things with him??? No, this doesn't make sense. I'm driving myself nuts. What must HE be thinking? "Why is she telling me about the man she might leave me for?"

[beby24]

I dont know how many replies you got, or read them all but first off, thank god he got him away from you.

 

You dont need anyone like that, it sounds like you fell in love with him because you felt sorry for him and you know what you can not help anyone that does not want to help them selves.

 

Its hard, believe me I know, i know the whole crying and thinking, not being able to sleep...etc...Been there. still am...but now for another person.

 

Try to do other things, positive things to get your attention...join a gym..take care of yourself...feel good about you....he will regret it and come back and then you will need to say...too bad...its too late...

[Tormented]

then basically you are left with yourself AND a broken relationship and it feels like you have to bury something alive.

 

Yes! It's exactly like that! What a clear description of how I feel...thank you!

 

I guess as long as feelings remain, the relationship does feel alive (if only within yourself).

 

But you're right. I DO have to bury it. Problem is, I was hoping it would die first - would make it a lot less painful.

 

~T~

[Tormented]

Why will I never get over this girl?! It's been 4 months... a third of a year and I'm still thinking about it every day! I'm just getting so so tired...

 

I don't think I even have anything left to write guys. I really don't. I wish I did. I'm here because I want to do something to feel better. It's the same everyday. Every single day. 120 days nearly. 2 880 hours. 172 800 minutes of agony. Bouncing up and down. I love you. I hate you. Fighting myself away from her. Struggling. Writing. Not sending. I feel ill. Sometimes I just wish I could go to sleep until it's all over.

 

B

 

 

Yeah, I know...I'm right there with you, B.

 

Had what feels like a "breakdown" yesterday. So damn frustrating. You think you've made great progress, are starting to move on, enjoying life (well, not completely but more so than say 2 months ago), and actually MEANING it when you laugh or smile. Little more color in the world, and by God...the birds DO still sing!

 

And then something as trivial as falling snow flakes to send me plummeting back to day one...to that VERY dark place. Isn't it crazy how certain things can trigger a set back, and in this case, back to day one?

 

Ah, but that's alright. I'm back now...feel better today. So, even though I got bit HARD in the ass yesterday, the sting didn't last anywhere as long as it use to. And that's progress, isn't it?

 

Continued to snow today but I was at work so that helped keep my mind and body busy. I did see him drive past me, and although I felt a tug at my heart, I was okay with it.

 

It was so strange looking at each other for those few seconds through falling snow flakes when not long ago, we use to play in it together.

 

Today, looking at each other, him in his truck...me in my car, passing by each other as though we were strangers was a symbolic moment of who we are TODAY.

 

Yesterday is gone. A sentence I MUST keep repeating to myself until my heart finally understands it. But more so...accepts it.

 

I do understand your frustration, your hurt, exhaustion. Boy-oh-boy do I understand! It's been 3 months now and STILL...I have days like yesterday. Couldn't believe how much pain I was in. Spent the whole day staring off at nothing and crying.

 

And it didn't help when the phone rang twice and then stopped. I have a gut feeling it was him, but I don't know that for sure. Yesterday was the first snow fall this year and so much about us involved the winter, the snow.

 

Could've been a wrong number and I WANTED to believe it was him because I was missing him.

 

Yeah, I'm with you. I'm sick of it.

 

Hang in there, B. I'll hang in with ya, okay?

 

~T~

[Tormented]

Hi Don...

 

Tormented,

 

Immediatly stop contacting this guy as this situation has the potential to escalate into something physically dangerous for everyone involved. Do not go to his house ever again. You do not know what this lady (a theif) and or this guy (an alcoholic batterer) are capable of doing to you. Perhaps you should stay with family for a while.

 

Thank you, Don...but I haven't contacted nor have gone to his house since the day we broke up, which was 3 months ago. The only contact made, if you want to define it as a "contact," is his numerous phone calls to me in which he sits quietly, saying nothing until I hang up. I've also had people calling here asking for him recently, although he hasn't lived here for 7 or so months now. He is an alcoholic but he has never physically attacked me, although he has made verbal threats of what he would do to me if he discovered I cheated on him, or if I broke his heart. As for her...yes, she is a thief, amongst many things. She is unstable, for sure, and I do watch my back. In fact, the more I hear about her, the more on-guard I am.

 

Additionally, I suggest you read up on the internet regarding the cycle of violence and/or domestic violence. There are a lot of good resources there that may help you through this and will show you an objective perspective of what happened on Wednesday which is called the "honeymoon stage"\

 

I'm not sure I understand you here. What happened on Wednesday?

 

best of luck, be forgiveing of yourself and my thoughts are with you

 

Thank you, Don...much appreciated. The only thing I have to forgive myself for is loving a man too much.

 

~T~

[Tormented]

T,

 

It's Sunday night and I'm at work (still), way too late and sick/coughing but I read your post and couldn't go home without at least saying something, reaching out to you...

 

Ewww...not fun. Bad enough to be working on a Sunday night, but to feel ill as well certainly doesn't help. Hope you're feeling better!

 

See this as a burial. You actually have to say goodbye to these memories, in a way we say goodbye to someone who has died. You can do that with a lot of respect and love, but at some point you will HAVE to do it. Because you are sitting there now with a dead relationship in your hands, holding on, not letting go. But no matter how hard you hold on, there's no life in it and you can't bring it back. Unfortunately. I know... Devastating.

 

I know, Mag, I know. My head knows, my heart won't accept it. Don't know why it's the "head" that's accused of being "stubborn." Many times, it's the heart. Certainly true in this case.

 

I heard an old song by Elton John the other morning while driving to work, in which he says..."love lies bleeding in my hands." Bascially saying what you are. That we are helpless to stop the death, we can only watch it die. To do otherwise is like performing CPR on a corpse. Sometimes, nature takes its course, and although it's painful, VERY painful, there's nothing we can do. I DO know this, and that is what's so frustrating. It's irrational for me to be hurting in this way, yet...a snow flake falls and I come apart. And the kicker to all of this? I am basically a down to earth woman. Responsible, sensible, and for the most part, practicle in just about all areas of my life. EXCEPT for this. I seem to be WAAAAY out in left field here, a place foreign to me, and I hate it. I truly do. No matter HOW much I tell myself to let go, that carrying on like this is ridiculous, counting all the ways in which he's bad for me and I should be celebrating his absence in my life, I just CAN'T get to that point. Oh, I can PRETEND to be...but the truth is, I'm not. At least, not yet. But I will be.

 

Some things change and they never go back to what they were. We can't help it. But we can decide to put them at rest. At least we can begin to contemplate to put them at rest. Think about it.

 

This is another thing I frequently tell myself during my "he's bad for me" speech. I know that if we DID reconcile, it could NEVER be the same after what has taken place. I could never see him the same, could never completely trust him like I did before. The bond we once shared has been permanently damaged, and I know it. So, holding on to the memories is a waste of time. With or without him...it would never be the same, and as a result, would be doomed to failure should we ever try again. So why try. I have tried NUMEROUS times to lay it down to rest. Now, if I can just get it to STAY down.

 

Take a deep breath. Hang in there. I am feeling your pain.

 

Thank you, M. Feeling better today.

 

~T~

[Tormented]

I do think the same us you guys, especially you and B, will I ever get over him? I am not sure as of yet and yes one would think that 4 months should have done something at least...

 

I wonder what keeps us stuck, Green. What REALLY keeps us tied to our exes? I spent most this weekend thinking about that. Were they REALLY that special? Or is there a part of us that doesn't want to let go because holding on to them has become a part of us, a large part, and should we let go, then we fear the empty space. Letting go would be like losing a part of us because we have allowed the pain and memories to become such a large part. And perhaps we fear it...fear the empty space letting go would create. And, of course, letting go means it's final...another thing we may fear. Just a thought...

 

Maybe it was him calling, Tormented, and there is a good chance that the snow reminds him of the same: the good times you shared.

 

....or maybe it wasn't him. Maybe it was just a wrong number. Maybe I WANTED it to be him because I was in the state I was...hurting, crying, missing him. Or...maybe it was him. Guess it doesn't matter.

 

I wished there was anything to be done in your case to alliviate the whole thing, but I am afraid there is nothing. The only thing would be him owning up to his stuff and at least apologize, but let's face it, the only thing that that might bring is that you feel a little better for a short period but then the misery will kick in again, because you know you can't go back and actually talking to him or facing him personally migh bring back the chemistry. So I think there is no winning situation, is there? I am trying hard to find a positive scenario, but the only one I can conjure is the one when you are finally over him and ready to meet someone else and the flaw with that is that it might take quite some time still. Sorry. I hope at least Christmas will be bearable with all your family around. They might prevent you from thinking of him at least for a little while.

 

You know, I thought about that, Green. Perhaps I just want to hear him apologize, to say ANYTHING that would indicate he gives a sh*t about my feelings, my pain, the hell he has put me through. To know he feels remourse, some guilt, but more so...regret. I want to know if he's hurting as well, to know I'm not in this alone. To know if he thinks about me...even if just for a few fleeting moments per day. I thought about it...thought maybe this is what's going on with me. The hurt stems from deep anger - anger...no - rage, at what he did to me...to a woman he swore he loved...to a woman who, at one time, was his best friend. And not ONCE has he apologized, or even checked in to see if I was okay, or if there was anything he could do to help ease the pain he's caused.

 

Yeah, I thought about that this weekend. If he had done the above, would it make me feel better? Help ease the pain? Help me to move on?

 

To be honest, I don't know. Maybe so, maybe not. But I guess I'll never know because if he hasn't done so in 3 months, chances are he never will.

 

And that hurts...

 

Sorry I can't be more positive but I struggled a lot this weekend myself and cried a lot as well.

 

Oh, Lordie girl! NEVER aplogize to me because you've helped so much with your constant source of encouraging words. You've been here for me since the beginning and you still are. You've no idea how much I appreciate it, and YOU. So please - do NOT apologize!

 

Instead, I should say...THANK YOU.

 

Lots of Hugs

 

Right back atcha!

 

~T~

[Tormented]

I dont know how many replies you got, or read them all but first off, thank god he got him away from you.

 

Actually, I've received quite a few replies and I'm beyond grateful to them all. Some truly wonderful people here. I may have lost a love, but through it I gained some beautiful friends here.

 

Yes, you're right...as things turned out, it probably is a blessing he's no longer in my life. But I haven't reached the point of thanking God for it....not yet, anyway.

 

You dont need anyone like that, it sounds like you fell in love with him because you felt sorry for him and you know what you can not help anyone that does not want to help them selves.

 

Initially, I didn't find him attractive. It definitely was NOT a case of "love at first sight." Wasn't for me, anyway. I honestly didn't think we'd go that far when I first met him. We were introduced by some friends, and he definitely showed more interest in me than I did him. He pursued me unrelentlessly. Called frequently, took me to some nice places, bought me several presents...all the way from small nick-nacks to expensive items, which made me quite uncomfortable at first. But the thing that won my heart was his humor and playfulness. And the fact that I felt safe around him and felt I could be myself. And my feelings grew for him through that comfort zone. Soon, I looked forward to being with him, counting the hours until we could be together. Our friendship grew into a deep love. A love that, now, has caused me deep pain.

 

Its hard, believe me I know, i know the whole crying and thinking, not being able to sleep...etc...Been there. still am...but now for another person.

 

Actually, I've progressed past the sleepless nights and lack of appetite days. When we first broke up, I couldn't sleep for WEEKS. Ditto for food...couldn't even look at it never mind actually eating. I lost 16 pounds in less than a month, and lost interest in just about everything. I became like a walking zombie, just going through the motions of life, doing what was necessary and nothing more. I felt nothing...except pain. My constant companion...pain. All I wanted to do was get back home, behind my closed bedroom door, and cry.

 

I am SO glad to be out of that darkness. I'm still not completely out, but I much more prefer the "grey" I'm in rather than the "black." But, oh - how I look forward to the "light" again.

 

Try to do other things, positive things to get your attention...join a gym..take care of yourself...feel good about you....he will regret it and come back and then you will need to say...too bad...its too late...

 

I have been joining the "living" again...slowly but surely. Had some friends over for Thanksgiving Day and drank a bit too much. :::grin:::

 

Ah, but I had a great time and I felt NO pain! lol...

 

I was in a parade this past Saturday on a float representing the Medical clinic I work for. Only lasted a few hours but I had a great time. And I plan to attend a "Solar Chili Cook-off" this next weekend. Lots of live bands, dancing, food and people will be there. And I've gone back to painting...something I haven't done in MONTHS.

 

So, slowly but surely I'm climbing out of the hole. Not at the top just yet, but at least I'm close enough to see the light filter through.

 

Thank you, Beby, for your reply. Much appreciated!

 

~T~

[Tormented]

In any case, I met this girl who had a boyfriend of 7 years. (you may remember me talking about this in previous threads, but it is irrevelent)

 

For starters, Spidey, a boyfriend of 7 years is a HUGE, flaming-red flag. The fact that you met and "fell madly in love with each other" should cause you concern for the following reasons:

 

1. After 7 years, she apparently grew bored. But bored doesn't always equate lost love. You can't just fall out of love with somebody you've got seven years history with simply because you've met another who you have very little history with. Because if that's the case, then you really need to question this girl's stay power...the ability to love deeply. If she is doing it to him, who's to say she won't do it to you? Doesn't score big in loyalty, does she?

 

2. The fact that HER indecisiveness has caused two men such pain, yet she continues to keep you both on the line smacks of selfishness and inconsideration. She seems to be all about "me," and "I'll think about YOU later." Not good.

 

 

 

Her boyfriend lives far away, several states away. About a month ago she left him because of her increasingly apparent feelings for me. However, shortly after she began having doubts. She decided it would be best to wait until he visited her here for thanksgiving to decide how she felt about him.

 

And there it is again...."SHE" decided to see how "SHE" felt about him. And were the feelings of you and he taken into account while "SHE" drums her fingers and 'ponders' as to who the lucky guy is going to be? Right now, I don't think either of you feel "lucky." All you feel is anxiety and pain while she reaches her all-important "decision."

 

So he came here and stayed with her for Thanksgiving (hes still here now, he leaves tomorrow). She texts me every now and then. I don't initiate any contact, I let her get in touch with me. During the entire past few days she called me once, and that was yesterday...when her boyfriend had left somewhere.

 

Oh, Spidey...this is such BS. I'm sorry, but her behavior towards you both is cruel and selfish. She tests you now and then while he's there? Well...how nice it is of her to toss you a few bones while you pant in anticipation. By now, the boyfriend has left I am assuming. Bet your phone has rung off the hook, hasn't it? So...did she reach a decision?

 

Most of you are inclined to tell me that she is not worth it and that I should move on. However, I have exasperated that option and after much deliberation and vigilance on the matter, I've decided that I could never just move on and forget about her. There's too much at risk if I just throw her aside.

 

Spidey...WHAT, exactly, is at risk? The only risk I see is your heart. I fear that she will break it. If not now, then later down the line..as she has to her boyfriend of 7 years. Has it occured to you that you could be HIM in 7 years? You really have to question her sense of loyalty here. I understand that people fall out of love. It happens all the time. But the honorable thing for her to have done was to break it off with him FIRST before she got into another relationship. The fact that she had to have another man in the wings before she left him screams of insecurity...not to mention selfishness. I don't befault her for wanting to breakup with him if she is truly that unhappy. But I DO befault her for causing two men so much pain for her irresponsibility and lack of consideration for others feelings while "SHE" decides what is best for "HER."

 

Again I ask...what are you risking??

 

About 20 minutes ago I had a fit of intense desire to speak to her, and I called her. She did not pick up. I assume its because he is with her and she doesn't want to offend him (he knows about me). The problem I have with this is that when I am with her and he calls, she leaves the room and answers him.

 

Okay, I'm going to tell you what I think she's doing. I could be wrong, but I don't think so. Sometimes, women love pitting two men against each other to "fight" for her affections. When a man knows there is another suiter in the picture, each will shower her with affection, gifts, attention, and generally bend over backwards to "win" her heart from the other. And who benefits from this little 'match'? HER, of course. The men are busting their butts while SHE (The Prize) kicks back and enjoys all that is coming to her. Not to mention the incredible ego boost she's getting from all of this. She keeps them both interested, telling them each what they want to hear to keep the competition going, because the longer she can string it along, the more beneficial it is to her. Get my drift here?

 

I'm at a loss as to what I should do. When he leaves, I'm wondering if they will have gotten back together. I wonder if they will decide not to get back together. And if they don't what should I do? What if she asks for more time?

 

My honest opinion? Do NOT give her more time. Tell her you want a final decision. Give her the amount of time you think reasonable, but don't allow her to drag it out. Tell her this is causing you a lot of pain and you can not tolerate it. Tell her that YOUR decision is firm, and if she is unable to abide by your terms, you have no choice but to walk away.

 

If she makes that decision and it is favorable to you, great. If not...well, I guess you'll know just how "deep" her love for you was. And in that case, you've lost nothing because she clearly did not feel as strongly as you.

 

Either way, you win.

 

If her decision is unfavorable, you will hurt. But you WILL heal.

 

If you don't believe me, read through the many posts on this board. Many here have been to hell and back and are stronger because of it.

 

So will you.

 

Chin up, Spidey. We're here...

 

~T~

[Greensleaves]

I think I should be calling myself Snowwhite or Heidi from now: because as usual I will present a slightly more positive explanation for what the girl is doing, but have to agree with most of the things Tormented and B said regardless...

 

No matter what her reasons are, don't let her walk over you and I do think go into NC or at least being rather distant until she has reached a final decision is a very good idea.

 

Alright. She has been with that guy for seven years but obviously they don't live together, in what I have read and also in my own experience (though you only believe it when it happens to you or your friends) latest after round about 5-7 years, the nature of the relationship has to change or else it is going to break apart. You either have to bring it to another level by moving together/buying a house/a business or have to go for the full family thing: getting married/having kids. If you don't one of the partners or both will eventually lose interest. (It is true, I have witnessed it a few times by now!!) However, that happens rather gradually and sometimes you only realize that it happened or is happening when you meet somebody else that you fall for. Then the decision period starts and it is nasty for each party involved (if they are all decent people with love feelings that is) You don't want to throw away seven years, but you also know if you happened to fall in love with somebody else then there was something wrong within your existing relationship. Question is: is it fixable (the partners both have to decide). It might take time. Her not being able to decide to dump her BF for you can have two reasons:

 

1. She is not that much into you after all and uses you to make her BF jealous and change his behaviour

 

2. She is into you, but feels a strong loyalty for her BF and wants to make sure she is doing the right thing

 

 

I don't know her. You have to try and judge objectively. Is she really into you? Or is she the type that could play games and try to set the guys up and let them fight for her attention? If you think she might be the second, go and run and hide immediately. You will waste your time there. If you think she is the first and honestly just needs a little time to sort herself out and you feel is worth it, then you could decide on sticking around, but B is right with his description that there is hardly a win-win situation unless you are very clear about your intentions and tell her about it.

 

If in doubt, maybe you have common friends to ask? No matter how this is going to turn out, it will be difficult to build a relationship on the ruins of the old one (who said that, Tormented or Magnolia, can't recall) and you must be aware of this.

 

Take care, Spidey.

 

Snowwhite alias Green

[Greensleaves]

I wonder what keeps us stuck, Green. What REALLY keeps us tied to our exes? I spent most this weekend thinking about that. Were they REALLY that special? Or is there a part of us that doesn't want to let go because holding on to them has become a part of us, a large part, and should we let go, then we fear the empty space. Letting go would be like losing a part of us because we have allowed the pain and memories to become such a large part. And perhaps we fear it...fear the empty space letting go would create. And, of course, letting go means it's final...another thing we may fear. Just a thought...

 

Oh, for sure you are right there, it is the letting go and having a part of us go and die, too. I am pretty sure that is the thing in my case. Not only the empty space but that feeling that we were wrong in believing this person to be the one, knowing that we can't trust our own intuition even though we were so convinced, not at first but after a while. If we can't trust anything, not even our own intuition how to carry on then? You know sometimes you enter relationships where you kinda know it is doomed anyways. Sometimes you know what was wrong, what you did wrong, that you chose this person for the wrong reasons etc. However, if nothing of those applies even though you spent hours and hours on reflecting on it, if you can't coe up with a valid convincing reason why this went wrong it is just sooo hard to put it to rest.

 

 

 

You know, I thought about that, Green. Perhaps I just want to hear him apologize, to say ANYTHING that would indicate he gives a sh*t about my feelings, my pain, the hell he has put me through. To know he feels remourse, some guilt, but more so...regret. I want to know if he's hurting as well, to know I'm not in this alone. To know if he thinks about me...even if just for a few fleeting moments per day. I thought about it...thought maybe this is what's going on with me. The hurt stems from deep anger - anger...no - rage, at what he did to me...to a woman he swore he loved...to a woman who, at one time, was his best friend. And not ONCE has he apologized, or even checked in to see if I was okay, or if there was anything he could do to help ease the pain he's caused.

 

 

Sure, makes lots of sense. We all want them to at least feel some regrets that they lost us. You know, I know it doesn't help if I am saying this, but I am pretty sure your Ex does have his moments of regret. I know you want to hear it from him or at least have people that know him tell you. Yepp, I guess, he won't anymore. After the accident of that other logger it would have been perfect timing and a good reason to speak up, but he blew it.

 

 

Oh, Lordie girl! NEVER aplogize to me because you've helped so much with your constant source of encouraging words. You've been here for me since the beginning and you still are. You've no idea how much I appreciate it, and YOU. So please - do NOT apologize!

 

 

Instead, I should say...THANK YOU.

 

Of course do take that one . thank you, too.

 

And now wish me luck. i gotta get my act together and at least have my future planned out pretty soon by either deciding for a PhD or look for jobs I don't know where...or else I will go mental.

Haha, good work on the friend's drinking festivities. Sometimes that's all we need just to have a good few hours with friends where we forget our pains and feel good about everything!

Green

[Tormented]

Lord...where to begin.

 

Guess I'll start with having to go into the town my ex lives in to pick up some supplies I can't get elsewhere. I was low on everything because I've been avoiding "his" territory for fear of running into him.

 

Well, I didn't run into him, but I did his sister.

 

I went into Rite Aid to pick up some stuff I need, and ran smack into his sister. She rushed up to me and gave me a big hug. Asked me how I've been, told me how much she missed our "chit-chats" and filled me in a little on what's going on in her life.

 

I was happy to see her and things were going well - UNTIL...

 

She brought the subject of my ex up. She told me he kicked borderline out shortly after she moved in. She said he realized he didn't care about her and was still in love with me. She said he has been depressed since our breakup, and I told her having borderline around was making it worse. She said they fought all the time because borderline accused him of using her as a rebound to me. She said borderline was going out and not coming home until late and that my ex knew what she was up to but didn't care. She said at one point, he told borderline to sleep in the spare bedroom of which she did until the day he asked her to leave. She said as far as she knew, borderline and her husband were going to work on their marriage. She said my ex through borderline out 6 weeks after she moved in.

 

She said my ex talks to her about me all the time. She said he is afraid to contact me because of what he did. She said he told her he knows he's lost me for good, that he knows I'll never forgive him. She said he is drinking a lot and she's worried about him. She said he doesn't go out much (VERY strange for my ex as he likes to be on the move), and doesn't seem to be pulling out of his "funk." She asked me if I still love him. THIS made me VERY uncomfortable as I didn't know how to answer. I mean, I wasn't exactly prepared to run into his sister, and I certainly wasn't prepared for THIS question.

 

I told her I was very hurt and angry, and wasn't sure how I felt. She said she understood, that she would feel the same way if she was in my shoes. We then gave each other a hug before we parted company. She asked me if it was okay to call me from time to time...keep up with each other's lives. I told her that would be fine, that I would enjoy hearing from her.

 

Here lately, I've been seeing him a lot on the road. I never use to see him in the morning, it was always during the lunch hour. But now, he pops up on my way to work, usually driving right behind me.

 

So...there it is.

 

And now that I know, I'm not sure how I feel. It does bring me some comfort to know that he continued to love me even when she was there. And it's also comforting to know that he couldn't "forget" me, and still loves me. And...okay - I'll be honest here. It brings me GREAT satisfaction that he's suffering over what he did to me...to us.

 

But on the flip side - it saddens me that there is love between us and we have no choice but to allow it to eventually die. What a waste.

 

Too much damage has been done and I can't go back.

 

Sometimes....love SUCKS.

 

~T~

[Greensleaves]

Hey, Tormented, first of all, that is really really good news, all the things you have been wondering about, now you know, so he does care about you, he does love you still and he knows he fcked up. So that should give you great satisfaction! It would for me, for sure. He kicked borderline out after six weeks and made her stay in the spare bedroom even before he kicked her out. For sure it would have been much better not to let her in at all, but it has to be said he is not that stupid, at least not as stupid as we thought he might be. He knows he wronged you and that's why he doesn't have the balls to contact you.

Honestly, it is exactly the kind of news you wanted to have.

 

But you are not entirely satisfied, because now your feelings are in a turmoil. Understandably so and you kinda knew that that was going to happen which is why you enforced NC and kept it.

 

 

 

But on the flip side - it saddens me that there is love between us and we have no choice but to allow it to eventually die. What a waste.

 

Too much damage has been done and I can't go back.

 

~T~

 

Are you sure? I mean really really sure? Hurt pride, principles, ideas and long lost dreams aside? To me it sounds as if you need to reflect on it a little, well I would need to at least.

 

Hey, it is actually quite positive after all, at least better than anything we anticipated.

 

XO

Green

[Cossette4]

You are so lucky. I have a similar situation where I was WRONGED so badly and he's with another girl (don't know if he cheated on me and then left me for her or if she's a rebound) but I constantly wonder if he still thinks about how terrible he treated me, if he still loves me, if he feels ashamed and guilty for making the biggest mistake of his life...or if he's completely forgotten me and loves her.

 

Like you, I could never go back to him after what he did to me but I would absolutely love to know he still has feelings for me and was feeling miserable for the horrible treatment he made me endure. It wouldn't even bother me if he was with the other girl or not, so long as I knew he was miserable and missed me.

 

And YOU know. Now you've got the power and you can go to bed at night, knowing someone is sleepless over you instead of the other way around where YOU'VE been the sleepless depressed one. I would give anything for that role reversal.

[Mary3]

Hi Spidey,

 

When I read your post I couldn't help thinking that it was all about her and what she thinks/wants/seems to want/needs...

 

In the past when I have found myself in a situation in which a man was doubting between me and another woman I just walked. That way I saved myself and him some misery. And, more importantly, I maintained my selfworth. It surely isn't a good feeling to be the third wheel on the wagon. Curiously, in my situation, that man and the other woman never made their relationship work out, and when I saw him again after 2 years he asked me why I had made that choice. I told him he wasn't emotionally available and I didn't want to interfere...

 

Your woman does not seem to be emotionally available either. And more importantly, it is a daunting task to build a relationship upon the ruins of the previous one. Please remember that!

 

In Spanish there's a saying that it is better to be alone than in bad company. I suddenly remember this poem from... W.H. Auden:

 

Looking up at the stars I know quite well

That for all they care I can go to hell

But on earth indifference is the least

We have to dread from man or beast

 

Someone who is emotionally unavailable is in a way indifferent. And that hurts, tears apart, rips open, burns like acid, wounds...

 

I'm sorry. This is probably not what you want to hear. You want to hear how you can get her back. Or maybe you want to hear how you can ease your mind.

 

Maybe you can think about yourself for an hour. Who were you before you met her? What drove you, got you interested in things, made you feel ok? What caught your attention each day and gave you a sense of fulfillment?

 

What I wouldn't do right now, in the state that you are in, is call her. Remember, you will probably hear from her, but not just right now. Give it a week. In the meanwhile, be gentle on yourself.

 

Magnolia

 

Sooooooooo beautifully Spoken !

[Mary3]

T,

 

It's Sunday night and I'm at work (still), way too late and sick/coughing but I read your post and couldn't go home without at least saying something, reaching out to you...

 

I know how the hurt of memories feels, there's nothing that you can do to prevent them from coming, there's no way you can turn off your mind. But you can try to change your perspective of things, slowly, one breath at a time...

 

See this as a burial. You actually have to say goodbye to these memories, in a way we say goodbye to someone who has died. You can do that with a lot of respect and love, but at some point you will HAVE to do it. Because you are sitting there now with a dead relationship in your hands, holding on, not letting go. But no matter how hard you hold on, there's no life in it and you can't bring it back. Unfortunately. I know... Devastating.

 

Some things change and they never go back to what they were. We can't help it. But we can decide to put them at rest. At least we can begin to contemplate to put them at rest. Think about it.

 

Take a deep breath. Hang in there. I am feeling your pain.

 

Magnolia

 

Very Profound Advice Could not have said it better....

[Mary3]

Yeah, I know...I'm right there with you, B.

 

Had what feels like a "breakdown" yesterday. So damn frustrating. You think you've made great progress, are starting to move on, enjoying life (well, not completely but more so than say 2 months ago), and actually MEANING it when you laugh or smile. Little more color in the world, and by God...the birds DO still sing!

 

And then something as trivial as falling snow flakes to send me plummeting back to day one...to that VERY dark place. Isn't it crazy how certain things can trigger a set back, and in this case, back to day one?

 

Ah, but that's alright. I'm back now...feel better today. So, even though I got bit HARD in the ass yesterday, the sting didn't last anywhere as long as it use to. And that's progress, isn't it?

 

Continued to snow today but I was at work so that helped keep my mind and body busy. I did see him drive past me, and although I felt a tug at my heart, I was okay with it.

 

It was so strange looking at each other for those few seconds through falling snow flakes when not long ago, we use to play in it together.

 

Today, looking at each other, him in his truck...me in my car, passing by each other as though we were strangers was a symbolic moment of who we are TODAY.

 

Yesterday is gone. A sentence I MUST keep repeating to myself until my heart finally understands it. But more so...accepts it.

 

I do understand your frustration, your hurt, exhaustion. Boy-oh-boy do I understand! It's been 3 months now and STILL...I have days like yesterday. Couldn't believe how much pain I was in. Spent the whole day staring off at nothing and crying.

 

And it didn't help when the phone rang twice and then stopped. I have a gut feeling it was him, but I don't know that for sure. Yesterday was the first snow fall this year and so much about us involved the winter, the snow.

 

Could've been a wrong number and I WANTED to believe it was him because I was missing him.

 

Yeah, I'm with you. I'm sick of it.

 

Hang in there, B. I'll hang in with ya, okay?

 

~T~

 

You are properly Mourning the Loss It takes alot of time........Tormented did you see my post about the Chemistry you and your ex still have ??

[Mary3]

Wow this post Tormented really blew me away : The one where you ran into his sister at RiteAid. What in the world do you want to do about this ? He Fcked up big time,....he knows it....You KNOW his sis is going to tell him everything ...I think he might think he has a glimmer of hope. He screwed up. Would you like to forgive him ? Get him back ? Maybe not ? Gosh what a choice girl !