My God...I hurt SO bad!!!

[Tormented]

Hello, Cossette...

 

Sorry to hear you are struggling with the "to wave or not to wave issue." I have a question...

 

Are you questioning yourself about this because you are debating whether or not to be forgiving and compassionate to him as a person, or because you are considering getting back together with him?

 

I would prefer to "forgive" him as a person for ME. What I mean by that is, to harbor deep anger, hate, and bitterness is something that will eventually murder our spirit, our well-being. We will end up damaged goods that NOBODY will want. And really, we will have but only ourselves to thank for this lonely existence. Because we've got choices. It is not within our power to go back and change what happened. It is not within our power to MAKE them love us, or miss us, or want us. But it IS within our power to love ourselves, embrace ourselves, heal ourselves...give ourselves what the can't or won't give. But in order to do that, we have to forgive and let go.

 

This is not to say that they deserve our forgiveness. They don't. But WE do. We DESERVE to go on in life, to love again, to know the happiness we once hoped they would provide. Okay, so they can't/won't give us that. Cool. Somebody else will. But NOT if we become angry, bitter women who can't or refuses to trust anybody again. And if we choose that path, then we can point to the image in the mirror for what we've become.

 

Me? I refuse to give ANYBODY that kind of power in my life. To rob me of my passion, my ability to love, my job, my happiness, my spirit. Anger and hate are powerful emotions and WILL rob you of who you are, of your joy in life. In my opinion....there isn't a man walking the soil of this earth WORTH that price!

 

I know there were many posts before where you were saying you could never forgive what he did and now it seems like perhaps you are having a change of heart? (or am I just reading that wrong?)

 

No, you didn't read it wrong. Those posts are exactly as you understood them. This has been a VERY painful and dark journey for me. And through the course of this horrible journey, I came here and pounded out my current emotion on my keyboard and onto this board. I have been so angry, SO hurt that there were many of days that I couldn't even think clear, couldn't hear any voice of reason offered to me. All I knew was that I was in pain and there have been many days I hated him for what he did.

 

But now, I don't know. I look at him and sometimes pity him. He's stuck in a horrible situation whereas I am not. He's trapped in his own poor choices and desperation to keep from being alone. I, on the other hand, am free to walk through any door I so please. I'm free to seek happiness without desperation. Free to love whom I want. Free to regain my life back and do greater things with it. Free to meet a man who can take me much higher than my ex ever did.

 

Thing is, Cassette, our exes are with a partner and we are not right now, and that infuriates us. But let's take a closer look at those "partners." The skank (your exes partner) lacks any self respect, even going so far as polluting the internet with pictures of her donning nothing more than duck tape! Oh yeah...there's a winner for you! She's got not morals or decency. And tell me, how long do you REALLY think he'll "dig" her? Yeah, she may seem exciting to him now, he may even enjoy all the drama she's bringing into his life, but if this is what he REALLY likes, if this is the core of his character, then why did he stay with you for so long? You're her complete opposite, and if this is what he REALLY likes, he would have given you the boot a long time ago. God help her when he finally bores of this "new and exciting" life. And he will...mark my words. But you know what? By the time he realizes this, it'll be too late. You'll be gone, on to your own life with a man who was more than happy to fill in where he failed.

 

In my case, my ex is living with "borderline." Cossette, this woman has been married 5 times and cheated on every one of those men. She's had 4 children, each from a different man, and turned her back on those kids. They were taken away from her for abuse and neglect because she was so strung out on drugs. Husband #5, her present one who is divorcing her because she was cheating on him with my ex, is a decent man. He refuses to take her back this time, and although she's living with my ex, she has chased hubby around town leaving notes on his truck and calling his house begging to go back with him. I don't know if my ex knows this or not, but I couldn't help but take some pleasure in knowing this. She'd be gone if hubby would have taken her back. She cuts on herself when upset, and overeats. She has never been faithful to ANY man she's been with, including my ex when she was with him the first time. She stole money, a computer and other goods from my ex when she lived with him the first time, and then went off and married hubby # 5 (the guy she was cheating on my ex with), leaving my ex absolutely hurt and devestated. Yet...there she is again, living with him with no where else to go. So tell me, how long do you think THAT will last???

 

Yes, things look better for our exes right now because they've got a so-called mate while we don't. But what counts is the punch line. And the punch line here is that you and I will go on to find our idea mate while our exes will be crying boo-hoo when these two skanks break their heart. But it will be too late...we'll be gone. They will be left in our tracks, all but forgotten by us. And thoughts of us WILL enter their minds and they will regret letting us go. And then it will be THEIR turn to cry, to sit in front of a computer late at night and bang out posts of pain on a message board!

 

Anyway, I think you should probably talk to him regardless. Like me, I think you are restless because *something* needs to happen, even though we aren't sure what that *something* is. Since your situation seems to be inviting conversation, you have the chance to get closer to the answers that will bring you closure (sadly, that's no where in sight for me:( ).

 

Your opportunity hasn't presented itself YET, but it will. Mark my words...it WILL. Let him come to you, makes for a better position for you during this "talk." The "something" for me was to get some answers and basically look him in the eye and tell him how much he hurt me....make him take some responsibility for what he did to a woman (a FAITHFUL woman) who loved him. I just wanted him to hear me out. I always felt that if I could do that, if I was given the opportunity to say my peace, then I could truly let go. Would I take him back? Not likely, not after what he's done. The trust has been broken. The innocense is gone. And neither of those can be resurrected once murdered.

 

Even though I still feel like I could never take my ex back, I wish to God I could hear from his mouth that he made the biggest, most disrespectful life-shattering mistake of his life, that his new girlfriend is just a coping mechanism, and that he takes some blame and responsibility in the factors leading up to our breakup. It'd be nice to know I meant something after 5 years. I'm sure you feel that too, and his sister gave you a "preview" that he does indeed feel that way.

 

I completely understand how you feel here. Much like I do. We just want to know that we were LOVED. That we were valued by these men we put so much into. Because, when it comes to a intimate mate, a lover, a best friend, the rejection they hand you is like a daggar to your soul. They are the few that see ALL of you. Your good. Your bad. Your tears. Your joy. Your sorrow. Your fear. Your dreams. They see the WHOLE package. So rejection from them is absolutely devestating because they have initially said through their actions that yes, they have seen YOU, and they do not want you. And damnit, that hurts, more so than anything else you'll have to endure, outside losing a loved one to death. That's why so many of us suffer with low self-esteem when our lover takes a walk, or betrays us.

 

Side note: I was just thinking the other day...Isn't it so sad that the people who we love most and the people who (at least at one time) loved us are the ones we hurt the most and the ones that hurt us the most. Like, I wouldn't have made a big deal if a waitress at a restaurant screwed up my order, but if he screwed up some small tasks, I'd go off. He was the type of person who would listen patiently to the complaints of his co-workers, but when me, his girlfriend of 5 years, the girl he has millions of memories with, is shattered on the floor, begging for him to listen and care, there's nothing but coldness.

 

What I said above applies here. See, he'll show patience to others who are hurting or need to vent because he doesn't feel guilty when looking at them as he does you. He knows what he did was wrong, Cassette. And he can't deal with it. Much easier for him to run and hide in the false shelter of the skank. He's a coward, just like mine. Mine continues to call here and just sits silent when I answer. But that will come to a halt because I finally changed my phone number. Imagine the shock he'll have when he calls here. I'm not going to help him play out his cowardly games, nor should you. I still think the day will come when your ex will come around...when the novelty of his "new and improved" love life starts to dull and he'll see it for what it is. THAT will be the day he'll start thinking about you again, what he's lost, and when HIS days of pain will hit.

 

Think about it, Cossette. Do we REALLY want to spend the rest of our lives with such weak men as these?

 

Naw, me either.

 

~T~

[Tormented]

Have a SAFE trip, Green. I will miss you while you're gone. I hope your trip goes well and brings you some happiness. Please let us know how it went!

 

You bud,

~T~

[Greensleaves]

Have a SAFE trip, Green. I will miss you while you're gone. I hope your trip goes well and brings you some happiness. Please let us know how it went!

 

You bud,

~T~

 

Thanks. I will. I am back and it feels like home, it feels like the place I want to be.

I am slightly nervous, as I will meet my Ex in a few days. Our stays just overlap a few days. I don't think that there will be any drama or anything; I am just not sure how I will feel seeing him after more than five months.

 

Tormented; I am not sure what to make of your last posts, but it sounds as if you have made your decision and I guess you probably don't want to have a post on your last one anymore as you are not going to contact him etc etc. and therefore the 15th isn't a "deadline".

 

Hope you get some peace now. Changing your phone number sounds like a good idea. At least the silent calls will stop. Eventually your Ex might stop coming by your place around lunchtime, too.

 

Have a festive season with your family coming.

 

Green

[Cossette4]

Hey Tormented, Green, others...

 

Today has just been the worst day. It was the 5 month anniversary since this all happened, and presumably the new happy couple's 5 month anniversary of being together (I pinpoint it there b/c I have no idea if this was going on before we even broke up and he's been able to successfully hide it from everyone, or if it really is a rebound thing that happened a couple days after).

 

God. 5 months and I still feel like as bad as the day it happened, or as bad as 40 days later when I found out he was already living with someone else.

 

I think it's a combination of Christmas/New Year's coming up and knowing he won't be there but will be having the time of his life with someone else, and also that creepy feeling that 5 months is somehow a long time (I know it looks short compared to our 5 years, but it scares me b/c I read other posts on here of relationships that lasted like 5 months and then ended and the person is devestated and really deeply in-love and I'm like, oh God no I don't want them to be at that stage).

 

And THEN I think--why do I think all of this because I already have stated firmly and forever that I will NEVER take this person back after what he did to me, and I KNOW I NEVER will break that "rule" with myself. So WHY do I care that he's happy with her and that their relationship has hit a happy 5 months and blah blah blah? And I think it's for several reasons:

 

1. The very fact that I can never look at him the same again and never be able to take him back hurts. I am a forgiving person, and I have such an attachment to him after 5 years, but the choices he made have left me no choice but to never, ever take him back. And that hurts so bad because I feel like it's not even in my hands whether or not I have the possibility of seeing him the same again---he has forced me to look at him like this for the rest of my life. It seems like most other break-ups always have a window of opportunity to get back together open, and it hurts that my only long-term relationship, the only person I've ever loved, is taken from this earth in my eyes forever.

 

2. The fact that I am hurting so badly and he has found ways to avoid all of the pain and is probably HAPPY. Like as I'm typing this, he's sleeping next to her. That makes me want to die. It's so unfair--we were both in this together for 5 years, so we should both suffer together and we should both experience the same loss, but no. He chooses paths where he experiences NO SUFFERING, which in turn, cause me to experience even greater suffering than I would have had the break-up been normal and respectful!! It should be illegal to transfer your suffering onto others and be able to walk away.

 

3. I just seriously can't believe he doesn't love me anymore. And I know 100 people are going to reply back, "Well, believe it--obviously he wouldn't do this to you and keep doing it for 5 months if he had any love for you." And that makes total sense to me, but for some reason, I just CAN'T BELIEVE IT. For 5 years, he was so in love with me that I can't even describe it. I definitely felt that he was more in love with me than I was with him. In fact, his entire argument for the breakup is "You acted like you didn't even care about me." To me, it seems like his bitterness and his running to another person came about because he was feeling no love from me. So wouldn't he have to love me to feel hurt by that in the first place?

 

4. I just don't even no who he is anymore. I realized today that I haven't spoken to him in 3 months, haven't seen him in 4 months, and haven't had a normal "hanging out with him" day in 5 and a half months! That's just insane to me. That last one is like half a year! This makes me wonder, why can't I get over this if I've been away from his company for a freaking half a year?! And then I also get really sad and nostalgic and I can't even remember his face sometimes. And then I think--who is he now? I know I've called him every name in the book and rightfully so, but he wasn't like this for those 5 years we were together. There wasn't even one teeny tiny sign that he was a coward, or a creep, or a sneak, or a manipulator, or a cheater...The only thing I knew was he was an "avoider" of problems he didn't want to face (hence the rebound theory of today.) But I just wonder, how can he sleep at night? Did he ever think he'd be the guy that leaves his girlfriend of 5 years and moves in with trailer trash and ruins things between them forever? When he looked at me like I was his world those past 5 years, did he have any idea we were going to end so badly and he would be shattering me so terribly? If he did, in fact, cheat, can he even believe that he did that? If he didn't cheat, can he believe he ran to someone else and moved in with them in a matter of weeks? Is he proud of who he is now? Even his friends call him the biggest douchebag to ever live. His best friend hasn't spoken to him in 2 and a half months. Does he think he's great and the rest of the world is wrong?

 

I'm not looking forward to anything anymore. I'm graduating college on Wednesday, going home for Christmas to see all of my friends and family, and then beginning the job search process, and I'm not even excited for any of it. Christmas used to be my favorite thing ever, and now I just want it to go away. I'm mad at myself for ruining all these exciting times, because I know it's ME who is choosing to make them bad times, not him. But I just don't feel strong enough to make them good times. I feel so betrayed and hurt and shattered that crying and sleeping are the only things that feel right.

 

At this point, I'm seriously considering therapy. But I've never been, and the concept kind of creeps me out. Can that actually help, or is talking to friends/family/message boards pretty much the same thing?

[Tormented]

I am slightly nervous, as I will meet my Ex in a few days. Our stays just overlap a few days. I don't think that there will be any drama or anything; I am just not sure how I will feel seeing him after more than five months.

 

Oh, I wish I would have posted this sooner BEFORE you meet up with your ex. If you haven't yet, just remember - you're NOT the same woman he left. Nope, you're stronger, more confidant now and this is the woman he needs to see. You've struggled hard the past few months, Green, but the struggle has made you stronger. So, let that strength shine when he sees you. Make him wonder if leaving you was a mistake. And really, that's every dumpee's revenge! <wicked grin>

 

Tormented; I am not sure what to make of your last posts, but it sounds as if you have made your decision and I guess you probably don't want to have a post on your last one anymore as you are not going to contact him etc etc. and therefore the 15th isn't a "deadline".

 

Well, the 15 came and went without a call from me. I decided against contacting him. I've done so well with maintaining the NC and I don't want to break it now. He failed to contact me on my birthday, although I guess the argument there could be that mine came only a week after the breakup and emotions were very raw at the time, but still...other than his ridiculous "silent" phone calls, I've heard nothing. So why should I bother.

 

I won't be calling or contacting him for Christmas either. If he wishes to contact me, he can call me at work and he has my cell number. Sometimes, it's just best to let things go, no matter how much it hurts.

 

Hope you get some peace now. Changing your phone number sounds like a good idea. At least the silent calls will stop. Eventually your Ex might stop coming by your place around lunchtime, too.

 

It's been raining and snowing quite a bit this past week and the logging trucks weren't running. So I haven't seen him in a week and I can't believe how much not seeing him has helped. However, the weather is suppose to clear up next week so I probably will see him. I'm looking forward to the end of logging. That way, I won't see him for a few months.

 

Have a festive season with your family coming.

 

My mom is suppose to fly in on the 23rd, and my sister on the 24th. I'm looking SO forward to seeing my family. I miss them so much!

 

I'm very anxious to see if you've seen your ex yet, Green, and how that went for you. I'm crossing my fingers all went well!

 

~T~

[Tormented]

God. 5 months and I still feel like as bad as the day it happened, or as bad as 40 days later when I found out he was already living with someone else.

 

I think it's a combination of Christmas/New Year's coming up and knowing he won't be there but will be having the time of his life with someone else, and also that creepy feeling that 5 months is somehow a long time (I know it looks short compared to our 5 years, but it scares me b/c I read other posts on here of relationships that lasted like 5 months and then ended and the person is devestated and really deeply in-love and I'm like, oh God no I don't want them to be at that stage).

 

You know, Cossette, I think our minds/imagination is our own worse enemy sometimes. We always paint this mental picture of a "happy, wonderful, carefree, cozy couple" when it comes to our exes and their "new" partner. We always THINK this relationship is somehow better than the one they had with us. That the "new" woman is sexier, more exciting, and life is just one big barrel of laughs for the two. Truth is, NO relationship goes without its problems. No such critter. And the longer the "happy" couple stays together, the less "shine" there will be and that's when reality sets in. And with reality comes problems because illusions can't exist in reality.

 

Of course he "thinks" she's great right now. ALL couples think the other is "perfect" in the "honeymoon" stage. But that stage is short-lived and many couples don't make it past that. How many posts have we seen here where the breakup occurs after 4, 5, 6 months? And in his case, the chances of his relationship with her crumbling is greater because he just came out of a long-term relationship with you and didn't take the time to work through it. That's the problem with illusions. They aren't real and aren't built to last.

 

In the case with my ex, he's with an ex who did everything short of murdering him. Stole from him, cheated, lied, left him and married another man within a week. What do you think the chances of that relationship working is? I know my ex and I can say not very long. Hell, he may not be with her anymore for all I know. I can tell you that he's very suspicious of women and has trust issues. I can't see him staying with her long because he could never trust her. I know if somebody did that to me, there's NO WAY I could ever trust that person again. Ever. But I can tell you that from the beginning of their relationship up to the present, he has continued to call me (although he sits silently when I answer), and goes out of his way to "drive past me" daily. So, I know things can't be too "wonderful" with her or he wouldn't be calling me.

 

I think these two men have gotten themselves in to a situation that they don't know how to get out of. Like your exes friends, my ex has faced the same scrutiny from his. They all hated her for what she did to him in the past. So does his family. I've no doubt they have turned their backs on him in disgust. And I've turned my back on him as well. So he most likely has very little support from others and feels he has nobody else. He doesn't dare approach me because he has no defense to offer for his actions. And it's the same for yours. Have you ever considered that he knows he screwed up, but doesn't know how to repair what he's done? If he approached you, what can he say in his defense? Not much! Instead, he'll stand there with egg on his face and he knows you'd have the upper hand. He's the guilty party, but is he able to humble himself? Some people aren't capable, so instead they "pretend" they are in the right, that they don't regret what they've done. It's a way of trying to save face. It's sad and it's cowardly, but there are a lot of people like that. Their pride gets the better of them. They'd rather cut of their nose to spite their face rather than admitting to fault./B]

 

1. The very fact that I can never look at him the same again and never be able to take him back hurts. I am a forgiving person, and I have such an attachment to him after 5 years, but the choices he made have left me no choice but to never, ever take him back. And that hurts so bad because I feel like it's not even in my hands whether or not I have the possibility of seeing him the same again---he has forced me to look at him like this for the rest of my life. It seems like most other break-ups always have a window of opportunity to get back together open, and it hurts that my only long-term relationship, the only person I've ever loved, is taken from this earth in my eyes forever.

 

You are angry because he robbed you of the one thing you loved the most - him. It's as though he committed suicide, leaving you alone to grieve his death. He passed over the line and made any return impossible. And the thing that hurts the most? HE KNEW THIS WHEN HE DID IT. I know - I speak from my own experience. My ex is a very vengeful man. Some of the biggest fights we ever got into was over his ex. Although she did some horrible things to him and he claimed he would NEVER go back to her, hated here..blah, blah, blah...I always felt he wasn't completely over her, that I was playing second fiddle. And I think it was true at first, but then he fell in love with me. But he knew she was a sore subject for me. And when I left him, I think he was looking for a way to strike back at me, to hurt me because I hurt him. So, he moved her in. That's what I THINK, anyway. Very well could be that I was right, that he wasn't over her and continued to pine over her even as he and I were together. I honestly don't know what to think anymore. But if that was the case, why then does he continue to call me, drive by me, attempt to smile and wave when he sees me? Who the hell knows. These type of men are so complicated and hard to love, aren't they? Our exes sound so similar it's scary, Cossette.

 

2. The fact that I am hurting so badly and he has found ways to avoid all of the pain and is probably HAPPY. Like as I'm typing this, he's sleeping next to her. That makes me want to die. It's so unfair--we were both in this together for 5 years, so we should both suffer together and we should both experience the same loss, but no. He chooses paths where he experiences NO SUFFERING, which in turn, cause me to experience even greater suffering than I would have had the break-up been normal and respectful!! It should be illegal to transfer your suffering onto others and be able to walk away.

 

Yes!!! EXACTLY my feelings. I'm angry that he's got a "buffer" to help him through the pain while I'm facing it straight on with NO aid to help. *HE'S* the one that lied and cheated. So then, why is it ME who has been left alone to face this thing? Just doesn't seem fair at all, does it? But again I say, how do we KNOW they're not suffering? Because they haven't said it? Because they haven't admitted to it? That doesn't prove their not suffering, now does it? For all we know, they cry in privacy. They wish to God they were back with us but feel they've screwed up so bad that chance is nothing but a dream and nothing more. And in that case, they don't dare show how they really feel for fear of looking like the fools they are, and the rejection they'd receive from us...and rightly so. Fact is, Cossette, we really DON'T know if they're suffering or not.

 

3. I just seriously can't believe he doesn't love me anymore. And I know 100 people are going to reply back, "Well, believe it--obviously he wouldn't do this to you and keep doing it for 5 months if he had any love for you." And that makes total sense to me, but for some reason, I just CAN'T BELIEVE IT. For 5 years, he was so in love with me that I can't even describe it. I definitely felt that he was more in love with me than I was with him. In fact, his entire argument for the breakup is "You acted like you didn't even care about me." To me, it seems like his bitterness and his running to another person came about because he was feeling no love from me. So wouldn't he have to love me to feel hurt by that in the first place?

 

You know, I wonder if your ex is trying to "punish" you like mine is. Sometimes, people allow anger to build and then they act on it. Perhaps it was one little thing you said, or did that sent him off on this bizarre behavior. And act to "get even" with you but has now found himself stuck in the hell he built for you. Does that make sense? The more you reveal about your ex, the more he sounds like mine. If he is, these men are capable of cruelty when they feel they've been "wronged," real or imagined. Have you thought about that?

 

4. I just don't even no who he is anymore. I realized today that I haven't spoken to him in 3 months, haven't seen him in 4 months, and haven't had a normal "hanging out with him" day in 5 and a half months! That's just insane to me. That last one is like half a year! This makes me wonder, why can't I get over this if I've been away from his company for a freaking half a year?! And then I also get really sad and nostalgic and I can't even remember his face sometimes. And then I think--who is he now? I know I've called him every name in the book and rightfully so, but he wasn't like this for those 5 years we were together. There wasn't even one teeny tiny sign that he was a coward, or a creep, or a sneak, or a manipulator, or a cheater...The only thing I knew was he was an "avoider" of problems he didn't want to face (hence the rebound theory of today.) But I just wonder, how can he sleep at night? Did he ever think he'd be the guy that leaves his girlfriend of 5 years and moves in with trailer trash and ruins things between them forever? When he looked at me like I was his world those past 5 years, did he have any idea we were going to end so badly and he would be shattering me so terribly? If he did, in fact, cheat, can he even believe that he did that? If he didn't cheat, can he believe he ran to someone else and moved in with them in a matter of weeks? Is he proud of who he is now? Even his friends call him the biggest douchebag to ever live. His best friend hasn't spoken to him in 2 and a half months. Does he think he's great and the rest of the world is wrong?

 

No, I don't think he ever entertained the thought that he'd run away with a "duct-taped tramp" and leave you in ruins. Something brought this on, Cossette, something that you're evidently not aware of. Again I say, do you think it's possible that his anger was building and he decided to act upon it with the intent to hurt you? Is he the type to hold things in? Not good in the communication dept? Mine was like that. He'd hold things in and then get angry at me for not "knowing" what was bothering him. I'm not sure if what he's done has hit him yet, but it will. And when it does, he won't know what to do. His behavior has alienated him from his friends, you, and all those things of comfort he previously knew. Thing is, Cossette, no matter what bizarre phase a person goes through, eventually they want to come back "home," back to their roots. This guy has made "coming home" VERY difficult for himself. All the more reason for him to keep his head in the sand rather than face reality.

 

I'm not looking forward to anything anymore. I'm graduating college on Wednesday, going home for Christmas to see all of my friends and family, and then beginning the job search process, and I'm not even excited for any of it. Christmas used to be my favorite thing ever, and now I just want it to go away. I'm mad at myself for ruining all these exciting times, because I know it's ME who is choosing to make them bad times, not him. But I just don't feel strong enough to make them good times. I feel so betrayed and hurt and shattered that crying and sleeping are the only things that feel right.

 

Well...congrats on your graduation!!! I do hope when the pain lifts you'll find joy in your life's accomplishments. You deserve it. And I know what you mean about Christmas. I have always loved Christmas as well, but this year I HATE it. I just want it over and done with. If I have to see one more damn "lovey-dovey" Christmas commercial or movie or even song, I'm gonna scream. It's damn hard feeling this much pain as the world rejoices around you like there's something to be happy about. The other day a co-worker asked me if I was coming to the company Christmas party. I turned around and said..."HELL NO" in a tone that surprised even me. I'm not sure who was more shocked by it, her or me because it was unlike me to answer like that. I'm just so irritable these days, so miserable inside it's starting to pour out in other areas of my life and it's starting to concern me. So, I completely understand what you're saying about losing the joy in life. And it sucks. But the bright side is....someday we will regain that joy and that's something to look forward to, isn't it?

 

At this point, I'm seriously considering therapy. But I've never been, and the concept kind of creeps me out. Can that actually help, or is talking to friends/family/message boards pretty much the same thing?

 

Oh boy...you're gonna love this one! I'm a Licensed Psychiatric Technician...have worked in the psych field for many years now. Right now I'm employed as a "Physician's Assistant" and work in Med-Surg. I have been reluctant to mention my psych field experience on this board because I've been going on and on like a flaming nut! Despite my knowledge in psych, it's done me no good in my case because I'm not objective. When a human is in pain, that comes first and foremost beyond any experience or knowledge and we act accordingly.

 

Therapy CAN help, depending upon the Therapist and you. If you WANT it to help, it will. And if the Therapist offers sound, reasonable advise...it is well worth every penny you spend. It's also important that the repoir you have with the therapist is comfortable, enough so that you feel you can trust him/her.

 

Talking to friends/family is great, but after awhile they tire of hearing it. It's frustrating to hear that you should "get over it" and move on. Unfortunately, when it comes to the human heart there are no time tables. The heart is slow to heal and needs to be given the proper time. It can't be "forced" to heal to appease others. And of course, friends and family are well-intentioned, but their advice can sometimes be more hurtful than helpful. They love you, but they're not trained professionals in this department and sometimes don't know what to say, or how to handle your pain.

 

Also, they aren't able to prescibe you medications in the event you need it. If depression refuses to lift, then it's time to seek anti-depressants to help you through it. Even if just for a short period. I've never seeked medications myself, but I tell you what, if I don't snap out of this within the next month or so, I just may be seeking counselling myself. After all, it's been 4 months now and STILL the pain is raw.

 

No shame in admitting you need help. If doing so lifts the pain, why not?

 

~T~

[Greensleaves]

Oh, I wish I would have posted this sooner BEFORE you meet up with your ex. If you haven't yet, just remember - you're NOT the same woman he left. Nope, you're stronger, more confidant now and this is the woman he needs to see. You've struggled hard the past few months, Green, but the struggle has made you stronger. So, let that strength shine when he sees you. Make him wonder if leaving you was a mistake. And really, that's every dumpee's revenge! <wicked grin>

 

No, I am not, I am rather more like the girl I was before, which is good. I haven't met him yet, but presumably it will happen on Wednesday. It should be all fine. I do love him still, but I will get over him eventually and it is what it is right now. I think part of him probably does regret things but I don't really care that much any more. I am more focused on my life and on what I would like to change about myself and up to now I am quite pleased with the results I have achieved so far.

I spent lots of energy on feeling sorry and miserable and bitter about everything and as important as that is in the beginning it is just draining in the long run. I will need all my energy to get a new life and a job. I am happy that I didn't succumb to bitterness, even though there are moments where I am struggling of course, but I manage to have these shorter and shorter. Admittedly, this gets harder the more of these situations you have to face and I am just lucky that I didn't have too many in my life up to now, but I am pleased with my results still.

 

 

 

 

It's been raining and snowing quite a bit this past week and the logging trucks weren't running. So I haven't seen him in a week and I can't believe how much not seeing him has helped. However, the weather is suppose to clear up next week so I probably will see him. I'm looking forward to the end of logging. That way, I won't see him for a few months.

 

Sounds good. You are resolved on not having him in your life anymore and you are following through which is important. Oh for sure your Ex regrets big time, but at the end of the day, it won't matter anmore because there won't be a "you and him".

 

I'm sure something good will come out of it eventually. Maybe this had to happen because you would have faced way more drama down the line as he is a nutcase.

 

My mom is suppose to fly in on the 23rd, and my sister on the 24th. I'm looking SO forward to seeing my family. I miss them so much!

 

I'm very anxious to see if you've seen your ex yet, Green, and how that went for you. I'm crossing my fingers all went well!

 

~T~

 

Cool, so your sister managed to come, too. Awesome. So have a very merry christmas with them.

 

Green

[Greensleaves]

Not much more to add, as I would agree to everything Tormented wrote.

 

It is difficult to believe that one person can fall out of love that quickly, but I think it probably came gradually and he might not be out of love completely anyway but just felt like changing his life somehow and did not know how to do it differently.

 

I know you are looking for answers but as you are resolved never to take him back even if he stood up and regrettted it all openly it doesn't really make such a huge difference on the contrary the more inadequate he appears the easier it is to leave it all behind. Of course we all want to be in control and have them tell us that they want to come back and then be able to make the decision of either rejoicing or rejecting them. It is partly a power and a revenge thing. We all suffer from it occasionally.

 

As to therapy: I did it before and it has helped; I just stopped it too early to make real changes, e.g. the new found knowledge wasn't applied or turned into actions, something I do regret a little because I think I could have saved the last relationship at least for the time being had I continued working on myself. But it is important to find the right type of therapy and the right therapist. There are many forms out there, so you might want to do some research on what type would suit you and your situation the best.

 

I hope you will enjoy Christmas. After all it is still a festive season and you are going to be with your family. You might have blue moments because of your Ex and lost memories, but the overall feeling could still be good in the company of other loved ones.

 

Take care, Cossette.

It is hard to cope especially after five years.

Try to focus on your prospective jobs and once you move and you are in a new environment you might find yourself so busy that you will forget about him slowly but surely.

 

Green

[Greensleaves]

Hi Tormented,

 

first round was over, we met only briefly though and there was no chance of discussing or talking about anything really, not even casual things apart from how was the flight etc... I was quite nervous and I am sure it was showing. Hope there will be another meeting to set records straight and talk at bit more comfortable in private, but it might not happen after all.

 

I feel a little sad right now, don't think I managed to impress that much after all, though i wasn't a complete failure either...

 

I don't know, was hoping by opening my emails that I would find job offers as I applied to two that sounded good, but maybe I guess I have to be patient on that front, too. sigh. life really is no biscuit sometimes.

 

Hope you keep busy with all your christmas preparation...

 

Green

[Greensleaves]

but that was to be expected, wasn't it? I really wanted to believe in me being indifferent on an objective level, but I am struggling hard to maintain it.

 

I know exactly what i want from life and it hasn't changed a teeny tiny bit since summer; I do have more ideas what I can do on a professional level and i am happy that I can get excited about new things there, but I would so happily so willingly give that all up if I could just sort the mess in my private life. Sigh. Patience is the key, I suppose.

 

Of course it doesn't help that my feelings for my Ex only grew. How is that possible, by the way? Gosh, instead of waking up and slowly but surely weaning off, I still somehow think that we are meant to be one way or another, maybe not now but later. Jeez how can you maintain such a feeling when everything is looking bleak? God and my heart is so stubborn that it might retain it for the rest of my life. (OK, maybe not quite for the rest but for a very very very long time, too long for somebody still being young and energetic....)

 

Anyways, gotta go for coffee, haven't had breakfast yet.

Hope you are good.

 

Green

[Tormented]

but that was to be expected, wasn't it? I really wanted to believe in me being indifferent on an objective level, but I am struggling hard to maintain it.

 

Please forgive my late response, Green, but I've been so busy lately I haven't even turned my computer on in 2 days. Also, since it's been pointed out to me that I've entered 300 plus posts about my ex, I'm a little leary to pour my heart out here because I now feel like an obsessed freak! I had absolutely NO idea I was going on so much about it.

 

I know exactly what you mean here, Green. Isn't it amazing how we can spend months preparing ourselves for that face-to-face moment with our exes, only to find that all those tough walls we fought so hard to build begin to crumble the minute they come within our sight? Doesn't mean your walls DID crumble, nor does it mean that you appeared weak to your ex, it just feels that way because we fall apart inside. Good chances are you kept the outside intact more than you think.

 

I know exactly what i want from life and it hasn't changed a teeny tiny bit since summer; I do have more ideas what I can do on a professional level and i am happy that I can get excited about new things there, but I would so happily so willingly give that all up if I could just sort the mess in my private life. Sigh. Patience is the key, I suppose.

 

Our private lives/mindset is the most difficult of them all to change. Everything else in comparison can be dealt with so much easier. For instance, when we decided to seek a job, we know precisely what it is we want. We apply and then make the choice as to whether or not we'll accept the position. We go shopping and know immediately when we like something enough to buy. We can pick or reject people who enter our lives to befriend. We have personal tastes in our clothes, hair, cars, jobs...you name it. And the choices we make in this department is usually painless.

 

But - when it comes to the matters of the heart, not so easy! It's usually a long and painful battle between our heart and brain, both fighting furiously...leaving us in a limbo. Back and forth we go...back and forth, back and forth...and it's painful!

 

Eventually, we reach a decision but it's never pain-free or easy. And yes, it takes patience - lots of it. Easier said than done because it's not easy to have patience when you're in pain or feel stagnant in life. You watch people around you moving on with their lives. Let it be a new job, or residence, or lover/husband/wife. And you begin to feel as though the world is passing you by, not even taking notice to your existance. And questions like..."what am I doing wrong? Why does everybody seem so happy, seem to be moving on with their lives while nothing positive seems to be happening for me? Why can't a good job come my way? Why can't I find the love of my life, settle down, and be content?" I think we all ask ourselves that question at some point in our lives. But what we need to remember is those people around you, the ones who seem to be moving on in life most likely felt the same way before "their time" arrived. I'm a firm believer that we all go through the same phases in life. Happiness, sadness, content, lonliness, joy, fear, confidence, insecurity...we all go through it. Your "time" of happiness/contentment/job hasn't yet arrived, BUT IT WILL. I promise you, IT WILL. Just as it has in the past, so it will in the future. It's just a cycle and it will come around again. And the cool thing about that? You've got something to look forward to in the near future.

 

Of course it doesn't help that my feelings for my Ex only grew. How is that possible, by the way? Gosh, instead of waking up and slowly but surely weaning off, I still somehow think that we are meant to be one way or another, maybe not now but later. Jeez how can you maintain such a feeling when everything is looking bleak? God and my heart is so stubborn that it might retain it for the rest of my life. (OK, maybe not quite for the rest but for a very very very long time, too long for somebody still being young and energetic....)

 

Green, seeing an ex for the first time in awhile is bound to incite those old flames again. You loved him deeply so the feelings you're describing are normal. But I can tell you that although seeing him again sparked your feelings, and ultimately, heartache again...it will not be AS painful nor for as long as it did when you first broke up. You will bounce back much sooner this time because you've already gone through the painful process of separation from him and are now use to a life without him. Doesn't mean you're happy with a life without him, but you ARE use to it. The initial shock of it is gone and over with. I know you hurt right now, and if I could give you a big hug I would...but your pain will pass much quicker than it did before.

 

In my case, I see him frequently which has definitely slowed down my healing process. It's as though it keeps the wound open and it won't completely heal. It's SO hard and it upsets me so.

 

I drove by him yesterday on my way back to work and he waved vigorously. More than he usually does. I didn't wave back. I don't know why, I just can't. But here's the weird part. I was checking my trac phone for a number of a co-worker I needed to call, and when I was clicking through my "dialed numbers" list, his cell number came up twice, a minute apart from each other...and within minutes of seeing him that day. I have NO idea WHY his number showed up on my "dialed" list because I DIDN'T call him!!! I honestly don't know what to think of that. Perhaps he was trying to call me but I don't know why it would show up on my "dialed list." You would think if he called me it would have showed up on my "missed call" list. I don't know if cell phones do this now and then...but I know I didn't call him. So, I can only believe he called me and for whatever reason it showed up on the wrong list. If he did, I wonder what he wants. His number showed up twice minutes before he drove by me and then he waves with the gusto of a killer bee victim. It hurts seeing the ex, doesn't it?

 

Anyways, gotta go for coffee, haven't had breakfast yet.

Hope you are good.

 

I'm good. Getting my house ready for my mom and sister's arrival tomorrow. Can't wait to see them, I really need family around right now.

 

I hope you're feeling better, Green. Please know that I'm here for you anytime you need to talk.

 

And that goes for you too, B! Just in case you're lurking.

 

(((HUGS TO GREEN)))

 

~T~

[Greensleaves]

Please forgive my late response, Green, but I've been so busy lately I haven't even turned my computer on in 2 days. Also, since it's been pointed out to me that I've entered 300 plus posts about my ex, I'm a little leary to pour my heart out here because I now feel like an obsessed freak! I had absolutely NO idea I was going on so much about it.

 

300 posts do not sound that much to me after all. Besides you didn't enter 300 posts, you all in all had only 198, including posts you might have left in other threads. There you go

 

Your "time" of happiness/contentment/job hasn't yet arrived, BUT IT WILL. I promise you, IT WILL. Just as it has in the past, so it will in the future. It's just a cycle and it will come around again. And the cool thing about that? You've got something to look forward to in the near future.

 

Yepp, I think you are right and I think it will after all, but it would be so much easier if you knew what to look out for or when exactly you can expect "the time" because then you don't need to spend so much time at present worrying and thinking and all .... I got way more relaxed on the job front which I found rather amazing given that I still don't have a definite thing on the go. Private matters are different, though.

 

Jeez, I have enough confidence that I know it would not be that difficult after all to find somebody, I have enough assets in most departments (and I am grateful for that), but I can't be bothered to even put myself out there. Too much effort. I want to be with somebody that I fall completely and utterly in love with and it will be quite difficult to hit the same mark; if you know what I mean. My feelings for my Ex were indeed quite strong and special and it won't be that easy to find somebody to top that or at least match that. I know, I know, I am still young, however not that young to be naive enough to believe that you can find love lurking around in each and every corner.... The older people get the more scared and scarred they are....

 

I drove by him yesterday on my way back to work and he waved vigorously. More than he usually does. I didn't wave back. I don't know why, I just can't. But here's the weird part. I was checking my trac phone for a number of a co-worker I needed to call, and when I was clicking through my "dialed numbers" list, his cell number came up twice, a minute apart from each other...and within minutes of seeing him that day. I have NO idea WHY his number showed up on my "dialed" list because I DIDN'T call him!!! I honestly don't know what to think of that. Perhaps he was trying to call me but I don't know why it would show up on my "dialed list." You would think if he called me it would have showed up on my "missed call" list. I don't know if cell phones do this now and then...but I know I didn't call him. So, I can only believe he called me and for whatever reason it showed up on the wrong list. If he did, I wonder what he wants. His number showed up twice minutes before he drove by me and then he waves with the gusto of a killer bee victim. It hurts seeing the ex, doesn't it?

 

Hmm, difficult to answer cell phone question. I do think that all weird things can happen, and I have lost calls (and numbers) on either list before but I never had it come up on the wrong list. Not impossible. I bet quite a few people would see it as a sign. He definitely is not giving up. I am surprised by that. You would think that hurt pride and rejection and no contact would make him stop calling and waving. I guess he does like you quite a bit or else he would have given up already. Doesn't help though.

 

 

I hope you're feeling better, Green. Please know that I'm here for you anytime you need to talk.

 

Thanks, Tormented, I am feeling better, but I have to admit, it is because the second meeting went better and even though it was rather short it ended on a positive note. I am not sure if we will ever become friends or be in real contact again, but it seems as future communications could be on good terms and that's good for now. It might not lead anywhere but at least that feeling of grudge or anger has vanished for now and hopefully for good.

I don't know if I appeared "weak" or something and I have decided that I don't care too much because I am quite happy that I am not bitter which was difficult to achieve in the beginning but will serve me better in the long run as bitterness tends to stick and taint your whole life.

I am very happy that I had the chance to see and interact with my "Ex" Stepdaughter again (horrible word) and I truly love her and I am happy that her mom and I are such good friends; that she won't be completely out of my life and reach even though I might not be able to see her half as much as I want to.

 

So after all I am ready for Christmas. And the dark floods and dark moments seem to become less and less. So I am hoping that in the new year we won't have to face them that often anymore or at all.

 

Will keep you posted. Got a little sick and haven't left the house yet. Hope you are doing better on that front and lots of hugs to you, too.

 

Green

[Tormented]

Hey Green...

 

That's great your ex and you did well on your second meeting. Somehow, I completely bungled what you were saying in your post. I got the opposite impression, that things didn't go so smoothly and left you hurting. I'm glad that's not the case. But regardless of how the meeting went, good or bad, it always hurts to see them again. I know, I see mine a few times a week, every week!

 

My mom and sister will be flying in later tonight and I'm so excited about seeing them! That alone makes my Christmas.

 

As for my ex, I do know he still cares (loves?) me but what am I to do with it? Strange, isn't it, that 2 people can still love each other and not a damn thing can be done about (or with) it. Sometimes I think it would be easier if we hated each other's guts. Easier to move on that way.

 

MERRY CHRISTMAS, Green!

 

~T~

[Cossette4]

Hi guys,

 

Haven't been on in awhile..too busy Christmas shopping. I'm trying to put on a happy face and just enjoy the holiday but it's so hard. And the other night one of my friends told me she saw THEM at the mall together, and it just "confirmed" that they are still together and happy and apparently he's proud to take her out in public (maybe he makes sure she's wearing more than duct tape) and that just makes me sad

 

Now I'm scared to do any Christmas shopping at the mall, for fear I'll run into them. It was so much better when I was away at college b/c I didn't have to worry about this.

 

I just wish I could rent a hot male model to escort me wherever I go so if I would run into him, I would totally win. But I feel like, even though he has a mutant skank on his arm, he still "wins" when I have no one

 

Merry Christmas.

[Greensleaves]

I just wish I could rent a hot male model to escort me wherever I go so if I would run into him, I would totally win. But I feel like, even though he has a mutant skank on his arm, he still "wins" when I have no one

 

Haha, I kinda like the idea of a hot male model, and I am pretty sure they are rentable for a Christmas shopping, but as the probability of running into your Ex is fairly small, you would spent all your money in vain...

You know, he is not winning (it is not a competition on who is with the better looking person anyway) and you know that because he is with a skank and the bed might still be full of roses now, but eventually he will discover the thorns.

 

However, I understand that you wouldn't want to run into them while doing your Christmas shopping on your own.

Suggestion: take someone with you for the shopping trips: good friend male or female, your brother, a relative, whoever makes you feel good and whoever enjoys going shopping with you. Should you really happen to run into your Ex and skank in the mall, you will be in a good mood and it will clearly show that you can be happy without him which is the most important thing.

 

Merry Christmas to you, too.

 

Green

[Greensleaves]

Hey Green...

 

That's great your ex and you did well on your second meeting. Somehow, I completely bungled what you were saying in your post. I got the opposite impression, that things didn't go so smoothly and left you hurting.

 

Oh no, you didn't bungle, the first meeting didn't go too well and the second one didn't start too well either, but it got better in the end. I am not hurting right now, so that is all good, it might set in in a few days, but right now I am in a happy mood. Don't really know why, don't have a real reason, but that makes it even better and I am resolved to enjoy it as long as it lasts!

 

As for my ex, I do know he still cares (loves?) me but what am I to do with it? Strange, isn't it, that 2 people can still love each other and not a damn thing can be done about (or with) it. Sometimes I think it would be easier if we hated each other's guts. Easier to move on that way.

 

True, true, true. It would be easier to move on. But it would leave stains. Hmm, yepp even though you both seem to have strong feelings for each other still, it doesn't seem as if there could be a happy end for the two of you. It is sad for sure.

 

Hope the new year will bring better days and better memories for you!

Merry Christmas to you, too!

 

Green

 

PS: There is a webpage where they track Santa movements via satellite images and radar technology! It is actually NORAD (North American Aerospace Defense Command!!!) that hosts the webpage. I am assuming your son is too old for such things; I think it is hilarous. I have to keep an eye on it

[Greensleaves]

Uhh, having peace at heart sometimes doesn't last too long, but I was happy it lasted at least for a little while. Just found out that my Ex was seeing somebody very shortly after the breakup. It is not determined whether they are together still or whether it was just a short fling and my source rather seems to think it was the latter or at least is nothing serious but still a little disturbing.

Oh well, what can you do? Nothing I suppose.

 

Hu, my cold is getting worse, I think I am seriously sick, so I might have to bail and not spend Christmas Eve at my friend's place....

 

Green

[jusified]

Hi green,

 

My Ex also left me for a guy in a way. But thats ok, cause I know I am so much better then that. There will be someone better for me in my life and so there will be in yours. You really don't want someone that could just leave you that easy to come back, they are not worth it.

 

I am also spending X-mas eve and X-mas and the entire holidays by myself..... it sucks i know, but lets all pick up our lives and be positive. We are never going to meet that right person if we feel bad for our self and be negative. Don't let this one person blind you from seen the great guy that walks past your life

[Greensleaves]

Hi green,

 

I am also spending X-mas eve and X-mas and the entire holidays by myself..... it sucks i know, but lets all pick up our lives and be positive. We are never going to meet that right person if we feel bad for our self and be negative. Don't let this one person blind you from seen the great guy that walks past your life

 

 

Ach it is not the first nor will it be the last time that I spent Christmas on my own. That's not a big deal, though this year it is particularly difficult. Oh well.

 

I think I wasn't too bad at being positive and I generally am but there are moments when it just hurts. This is such a moment. I knew it would kick in eventually. I am sure I will be good again in no time.

It seems as if my Ex is a jerk after all. I tried to make it all easy for him in the aftermath of the breakup hoping that he would just behave like a decent person. He had moments when he did but mostly he didn't.

 

I just hope the new year will bring some movements and all the patience and positive thinking will finally pay off and a great job will await me somewhere.

 

Green