My God...I hurt SO bad!!!

[Tormented]

Tormented, I didn't speak to her on the phone. I told her that I didn't want to and that I only wanted her to text back. That kept me safer from being upset.

 

Whew. Glad to hear it. I was pretty sure that's how you communicated with her but with the lengthy dialogue you two had, I thought maybe there was a chance you were speaking to her on the phone. And yes, that would have been painful.

 

You guys and your therapy and medical cover... seriously, by the time the medical cover kicks in, you'll be over it all and won't need it! Promise!

 

B

 

I hope so, B. You know, I think the length of time it takes to get over a breakup has a lot to do with how intense the relationship was (regardless of the length of said relationship), why and HOW the breakup came about, and the aftermath of it (things said and done when all is said and done).

 

I really wish he'd just leave me be.

 

B...I have to ask you something that is truly confusing me. You know my story (in all its UGLY drama), and I'd like to hear a man's perspective on this.

 

As you know, he's living with her. While we were together, I always felt as though I was living in her shadow. Always felt I was the "rebound girl" to his ex. One day I compared the pile of pictures of him and me to those of he and her. It was like comparing a leaflet to a Stephen King novel. The pile of those two was incredible...it's like he chased her around with a camera at every opportunity. Also, he bought her everything she wanted...clothes, computer, jewelry...you name it. He has bought me some nice things as well, but no where near what he bought her. Now, I realize I wasn't as "needy" as she...she has no job skills, I do. She is dependant upon others, I'm not. So perhaps this had a lot to do with it, but deep down inside, I always felt she was the one he truly loved.

 

Okay, so we're broken up now and he has her back. So, you'd think he'd be happy, right? If so, then WHY is he trying to call me...sometimes late at night? Or call my house during my lunch break after having seen me drive by. Or re-arranging his route schedule so he'd pass by me at lunch?

 

Why, B, is he doing this?

 

I honestly don't understand it.

 

~Kim~

[Tormented]

Hey Tormented,

this for sure is taking a twisted turn, but you know what, it is not too bad to be in the anger phase for a while, because that for sure will recover you from ever falling back into the mourning phase and become susceptible again. So in a weird way it is actually good that X and GF turn out to be complete and utter losers.

 

Well, yes and no. As long as he keeps trying to contact me, tries to stay in my line of sight, it will slow the process of healing down. Even if it's anger I'm feeling, it's keeping me tied to him, keeping him in my mind. I honestly don't understand why he's doing this, what he possibly hopes to gain by it.

 

Must admit I sometimes wished I could be angry because it definitely speeds up the process; I'm afraid I'm stuck in the mourning phase still, even though it has been two months now.

 

Green, how long was your relationship with him? Did it at some point get serious? Did you two talk of a future, of marriage?

 

Having said that, of course I wished they didn't take it to such an extreme, you must feel really uncomfortable sometimes knowing that they potentially stalk around. It is scary, for sure and I think you are handling it really well, I would be quite freaked out.

 

Yes, I am quite freaked out. Not hearing from her as much, or at least, if she's around I'm not seeing or detecting it. But now HE'S popping up everywhere and I honestly wish he'd stop. There's no way in hell we can go back together because the trust has been permanently destroyed. Not to mention that I'd lose complete respect for MYSELF if I accepted him back. So, really...his efforts are fruitless. I'm once again entertaining the idea of moving out of this area.

 

Good that your guy backed back a little again, but obviously does seem to be still interested, that's not bad at all, as you said once you lost your baggage something actually might come out of it and if he is patient and willing enough and you both like each other...

 

He's a good man, he really is. I'm just not in the place for a serious relationship right now. Don't know how long it will take for me to get completely over this, but I know I have to take the time. He's away this weekend on a Biker's outing. Said he'd call me when he got back. I enjoy his company, I really do, but that's all I can offer right now.

 

Regarding my job: yeah, it is a little frustrating for sure, as I stay with friends and then a little at my parents, but I can never stay there for too long and feel comfortable because of huge issues from the past. So I am still in a suitcase mode which for sure, as you pointed it out rightly, does not help in getting a new life and probably keeps the old life too fresh if you know what I mean. My x sent me an email with a job suggestion but other than that nothing, so I don't think he cares that much after all or if he does he won't show so that I won't think he is coming back. Fair enough, that might be something I might be thinking (wishing?) if he contacted me regularly.

 

Oh, Green...that sucks. You're going through a very difficult time in life right now. A breakup by itself is tough enough, but seeking employment, not having your own place, being in a new area...well, that's enough to send anybody spinning in panicked circles. I do admire your positive attitude, though. Many could NOT keep up the strength you have throughout all of this. So take a bow, girl! You deserve it!

 

I do agree, everybody had a life before the lover, therefore that was good input by Relax, but the one I had I gave up for the one I went for and there is no chance in hell of going back to the same old life. But I guess it is a special case when everything changes: country, job, friends, extended family and bf. So yepp, not an easy task, but thanks for your kind words, Tormented, so maybe you are right and this is meant to be and resulting from it, I will become a stronger, better person and maybe eventually meet the one I was supposed to meet...

 

Green, do you ever regret leaving the old lover for this one? Do you miss your "old" life? Or, despite the hard times you're facing now, would you do it again? Do you ever hear from, or about, your old lover? In any case, you will come out of this stronger. You will walk away from it with a stronger sense of self...a new confidence that no matter what life throws at you, you'll be able to endure it...can survive it on you own. And once that happens, everything else will fall into place. You know...you, B, and I should find a way to exchange emails. Would be nice to stay in touch and offer each other support as we stumble through this thing called life.

 

Hope you will get some peace eventually, but I assume those two will eventually stop if they don't get the reaction they desire, and yes you could be right, it most likely won't last that long and both of them will end up being really really miserable and yes, I would definitely think that that is fair and just.

 

Well, I hope they don't breakup anytime soon because if they do, he'll turn up his efforts to contact me. Regardless if they stay together or not, he and I are done as far as I'm concerned. What he did to me is unforgivable and I will NEVER trust him again...not as a lover, not as a friend. He's got to know this.

 

Ya, the medical coverage bit sucks when starting a new job, at least it seems to be a little faster for you (at my last job it was six months!!). Well but you are almost there, and as you are keeping yourself very busy time will fly by.

 

I had good medical coverage with the job I left to accept the position I have now. I figured 3 months wasn't that long to wait for benefits. But this past week I've been feeling bad, like I'm catching the flu or something. Just VERY tired, weak. I convinced myself I'm just tired from all the emotional stress...the sleepless nights. I do sleep better than I did when the breakup first happened, but I still have nights that I toss and turn. But the doctor I work with listened to my lungs and he thinks I've got "walking pneumonia." Great! Just what I need. You know, I think emotional stress lowers your immune system. Strange, because as a rule, I never get sick.

 

I'll be so glad when this is all over...when he becomes nothing more than a faint memory.

 

~T~

[Greensleaves]

Darn, for some reason I don't get the multiquote thing going, jeez, one wouldn't think that I am supposed to be computer savvy

 

Alright, Tormented, will still try and comment on everything:

 

First of all, read your question to B as well and must admit i don't really get that either; but there seem to be some men that like dating independant women and then get frustrated by either them staying independant and uncontrollable despite all his efforts or by actually managing to make them somehow dependant (and if it is only for his love or attention) and then losing all respect. I guess you are first category which is way better after all

 

Sure, I can see that just having to deal with him because he keeps on popping up will make you keep the anger in and not heal fully. Hm, it does suck. At least you are at the point where you will never take him back, so all his efforts are wasted and the good thing is he will eventually give up and then you will get all your peace back. Just hoping it won't take that long after all.

 

Hmm, my relationship, yepp it was serious (almost 2,5 years with knowing each other for a year before that even) and yepp he kept on talking baout marriage in general, even asked where I would like to get married, just wanted us to live together for a little while (which I fully agreed to) and yepp he wanted to see me pregnant too (already has a child that I love dearly), but of course the last six months he kept on saying that he still wnats all these things but maybe not in the nearest future: So basically he got cold feet, which is not so uncommon, I suppose.

 

Well, you know, it is not too bad that you are hanging out with this other guy, at least you spend time in the company of a really nice man and who knows, maybe something more will come out of it after you lived through the breakup and if not, at least you have a good friend. If he is into you and likes you enough not only as a potential partner but also as a mate, he will wait and will enjoy your company, too.

 

Thanks, for your kind words and compliments, Tormented. Yes, it is quite difficult right now as I am stuck in all departments and I do hope something better will come out of it: e.g. that there is a reason for this all. And of course knowing that therre are people out there that care and go throuhg difficult times, too, helps a lot!

 

Regarding regrets: you know, the strange thing is, while I was still with my Ex I had these moments where I actually did regret it (normally after an argument or such) and where I was pining for my then Ex but since this breakup it has vanished, which is really strange. Nope, we are not in contact as my lover back then didn't want to stay in contact, but I do know that he is happy, having a good job, moved in with his new girlfriend six months ago. At first I felt a stab of pain hearing about it but now I am even happy about it, because he was a good guy and I want to see him happy. Surely, if I had stayed with him, I could have made him happy, too, but I guess that window is closed now, if you know what I mean and with all what happened in between I guess I am not in a position to provide what he wants. It is odd, really, I know, it seems as if I only gained closure on this relationship after the next one fell apart. Hope that won't be the same for the last one...

 

Hey, hope your pneumonia is geting better or that you can treat it wthout having to consut a doctor. Does sound bad. No, you are right, emotional stress does weaken your immune system.

It is weird, but a friend of mine is a nurse and works in a hospital and is not on a medical because of the nature of her contract. Jeez, just sounds so silly: a nurse can't get treatment... Hope if you have to go and get treatment that it will be affordable somehow. I am good on the emergency coverage, so I would be luckier than you in this case...

 

Regarding the emails: Sure that does sound like a good idea, I think one can exchange emails through this forum once you are an established member, will have a look into it...

 

Have a good rest weekend, Tormented.

 

Green

[B-3128]

Praise Europe, its welfare state, and the free healthcare we get! You guys make me feel all better!

 

So why does he keep calling etc.? Here's my take:

 

He's probably aware of his self-delusion. He knows that he's with a woman that plays to his character defects, shovels dirt into his dependency hole. He knows that there's something wrong with him. He knows that it's wrong that her total dependency and ineptitude make him feel so great. It's probably like a drug to him. But he can't help it. It's the way he is. He probably knows that if he was without his defect, he would be objectively happier with you. I bet it bothers him that he's not capable of that. It bothers him that he's not good enough to enjoy you as much. He can't help it.

 

Think of it this way, suppose everyone's into wine. Fine wine. They appreciate the aroma, the taste and the colour. They're very cultured. Now this guy, he'd love to be able to appreciate these things. Sadly for him, he only really cares about the alcohol. He's happier drinking cheapo white cider. It's cheap, gets him drunk, and certainly doesn't make him feel so useless. But he knows that he's not supposed to like the drink just for the alcohol. He knows he's lacking. But when he cracks open that 2 litre bottle of the cheap stuff, it feels so good! He must think he's such a slob for enjoying it so much. That can turn into resentment for the wine. A desire to keep away from it. Or maybe it will lead to him wanting to enjoy it so much that he pretends he's a wine drinker, but keeps a white cider habit up in secret. So this cider drinker got caught in the act. Got caught by you (a nice chardonnay ). And why he keeps calling? Well, when nobody's looking and he's outside the wine shop after closing hours, he's gonna look into the shop window and wish he could be a better person who could enjoy the wine with all his heart. Calling you and saying nothing is essentially the same as having your nose glued to the wine shop window, longing to be a better specimen of humanity. And the white cider? Well, it knows its place. Wishes it was a wine (blonde hair dye), but knows it isn't. It too resents the wine....

 

They belong together.

 

B

[Mary3]

Praise Europe, its welfare state, and the free healthcare we get! You guys make me feel all better!

 

So why does he keep calling etc.? Here's my take:

 

He's probably aware of his self-delusion. He knows that he's with a woman that plays to his character defects, shovels dirt into his dependency hole. He knows that there's something wrong with him. He knows that it's wrong that her total dependency and ineptitude make him feel so great. It's probably like a drug to him. But he can't help it. It's the way he is. He probably knows that if he was without his defect, he would be objectively happier with you. I bet it bothers him that he's not capable of that. It bothers him that he's not good enough to enjoy you as much. He can't help it.

 

Think of it this way, suppose everyone's into wine. Fine wine. They appreciate the aroma, the taste and the colour. They're very cultured. Now this guy, he'd love to be able to appreciate these things. Sadly for him, he only really cares about the alcohol. He's happier drinking cheapo white cider. It's cheap, gets him drunk, and certainly doesn't make him feel so useless. But he knows that he's not supposed to like the drink just for the alcohol. He knows he's lacking. But when he cracks open that 2 litre bottle of the cheap stuff, it feels so good! He must think he's such a slob for enjoying it so much. That can turn into resentment for the wine. A desire to keep away from it. Or maybe it will lead to him wanting to enjoy it so much that he pretends he's a wine drinker, but keeps a white cider habit up in secret. So this cider drinker got caught in the act. Got caught by you (a nice chardonnay ). And why he keeps calling? Well, when nobody's looking and he's outside the wine shop after closing hours, he's gonna look into the shop window and wish he could be a better person who could enjoy the wine with all his heart. Calling you and saying nothing is essentially the same as having your nose glued to the wine shop window, longing to be a better specimen of humanity. And the white cider? Well, it knows its place. Wishes it was a wine (blonde hair dye), but knows it isn't. It too resents the wine....

 

They belong together.

 

B

 

I think they are both sick with obsessions. They both are obsessed over you ! They have pointless meaningless lives and the only excitement they get is driving by and seeing what you are doing. They make mamby pamby stalkerish hang up phone calls. Gives them a little thrill. Next time either of the nut job psychos calls you, check to make sure its them and blow a whistle LOUD into their ear ! lol............

 

Poetic Justice ...

[Greensleaves]

Haha, I quite like the wine analogy!

I guess that's it, good work, B!

[Tormented]

but there seem to be some men that like dating independant women and then get frustrated by either them staying independant and uncontrollable despite all his efforts or by actually managing to make them somehow dependant (and if it is only for his love or attention) and then losing all respect. I guess you are first category which is way better after all

 

Your above comment sparked a memory of something he once said to me. While talking about his ex one day, he said she was "weak and needy' and that he "felt sorry for her." He then said...."I didn't respect her." So yes, I think you're spot on with this. On the flip side, my strength, and at times stubborness, drove him nuts. He use to say that I was "his pain in the *ss." And on other occasions, he said I had an "attitude." So, with this guy...you're either "weak," thereby deserving no respect - or you're a "pain in the *ss," thereby having an 'attitude.' Guess there was no winning here, eh?

 

he will eventually give up and then you will get all your peace back. Just hoping it won't take that long after all.

 

It's been peaceful the last few days, but I don't trust it. Like they say...the calm before the storm. My guess is...knowing him the way I do, he'll back off for a little while, hoping that "things" will change and I'll be a bit more approachable, and will then resurface. I think what's going to have to happen here is this pattern will repeat itself a few times before he finally accepts that I'm not coming back...ever. And only when he finally accepts this will it stop. So, my best move here is to stay on course, to continue to ignore him.

 

Hmm, my relationship, yepp it was serious (almost 2,5 years with knowing each other for a year before that even) and yepp he kept on talking baout marriage in general, even asked where I would like to get married, just wanted us to live together for a little while (which I fully agreed to) and yepp he wanted to see me pregnant too (already has a child that I love dearly), but of course the last six months he kept on saying that he still wnats all these things but maybe not in the nearest future: So basically he got cold feet, which is not so uncommon, I suppose.

 

See now...that's the killer when a relationship dies. Because with the death of that relationship goes the dreams with it. It's hard to give up that feeling of security, of thinking your future is peacefully mapped out, that you will not spend it alone, but rather, with the man you love. You even start entertaining silly little scenes in your head, like....seeing the two of you years down the line, both old and gray, laughing at various memories from the past while seated side by side on a swing on the front porch. You know, things like that. And they brought you much security and comfort.

 

And then one day....*poof.* Gone. Now what???

 

And the thought of starting all over again with somebody new is enough to drive a woman to a covent and slip into a nun's habit!

 

And of course knowing that therre are people out there that care and go throuhg difficult times, too, helps a lot!

 

Amen to that, Green! I tell you, it's people like all of you on this board that is getting me through my personal hell.

 

Regarding regrets: you know, the strange thing is, while I was still with my Ex I had these moments where I actually did regret it (normally after an argument or such) and where I was pining for my then Ex but since this breakup it has vanished, which is really strange.

 

No, not strange. The fresh pain of your recent breakup completely eclipsed the pain of your last. Strange though, that we have to have MORE pain inflicted to get rid of previous pain. Kinda like a head trauma victim losing his/her memory, only to regain his/her memory upon another thump to the head. We humans are strange creatures, yes?

 

It is odd, really, I know, it seems as if I only gained closure on this relationship after the next one fell apart. Hope that won't be the same for the last one...

 

See my answer above. Same applies here. No...not odd at all.

 

Hey, hope your pneumonia is geting better or that you can treat it wthout having to consut a doctor. Does sound bad. No, you are right, emotional stress does weaken your immune system.

 

Actually, I felt much better today...better than I have for the past week or so. I think the antibiotics have kicked in, and hopefully, I will kick this thing permanently. I actually had some energy today!

It is weird, but a friend of mine is a nurse and works in a hospital and is not on a medical because of the nature of her contract. Jeez, just sounds so silly: a nurse can't get treatment...

 

Ha! I'm a nurse too, and health care workers going without medical insurance is quite common. But that isn't abnormal at all in this country anymore. THOUSANDS of people in this country go without health insurance. And really, that just is NOT acceptable. I've been saying for quite some time now that this country needs to adopt the socialized medicine system. Sure beats going without!!

 

Regarding the emails: Sure that does sound like a good idea, I think one can exchange emails through this forum once you are an established member, will have a look into it...

 

You know, I'm not sure how or when it happened, but they've got me listed as a "established member." Not sure how one gets 'assigned' to that status, but I guess I have been listed! lol...

 

Have a good rest weekend, Tormented.

 

I did...very quiet, very peaceful. Hope yours was a good one.

 

~T~

[Tormented]

Praise Europe, its welfare state, and the free healthcare we get! You guys make me feel all better!

 

Yeah, working in the medical field as I do, I will be the first to admit that our medical care/coverage in this country SUCKS. And while thousands of Americans go without proper medical coverage, and as a result, proper care, our politicians do little else but toss mud pies at each other and a solution is never reached. When you live in a country such as this one...a supposed world power...proper medical coverage for its people should be top priority. Should be. Ha!

 

So why does he keep calling etc.? Here's my take:

 

He's probably aware of his self-delusion. He knows that he's with a woman that plays to his character defects, shovels dirt into his dependency hole.

 

:::Nodding my head in agreement:::

 

He knows that there's something wrong with him. He knows that it's wrong that her total dependency and ineptitude make him feel so great. It's probably like a drug to him. But he can't help it. It's the way he is.

 

If one suffers from an inferiority complex, only makes sense that one must find another even more inferior to boost one's sagging ego. Correct?

 

He probably knows that if he was without his defect, he would be objectively happier with you. I bet it bothers him that he's not capable of that. It bothers him that he's not good enough to enjoy you as much. He can't help it.

 

Well, this has certainly given me food for thought. Sometimes, it's hard to view it from their perspective when you're drowning in anger and pain.

 

Think of it this way, suppose everyone's into wine. Fine wine. They appreciate the aroma, the taste and the colour. They're very cultured. Now this guy, he'd love to be able to appreciate these things. Sadly for him, he only really cares about the alcohol. He's happier drinking cheapo white cider. It's cheap, gets him drunk, and certainly doesn't make him feel so useless. But he knows that he's not supposed to like the drink just for the alcohol. He knows he's lacking. But when he cracks open that 2 litre bottle of the cheap stuff, it feels so good! He must think he's such a slob for enjoying it so much. That can turn into resentment for the wine. A desire to keep away from it. Or maybe it will lead to him wanting to enjoy it so much that he pretends he's a wine drinker, but keeps a white cider habit up in secret. So this cider drinker got caught in the act. Got caught by you (a nice chardonnay ). And why he keeps calling? Well, when nobody's looking and he's outside the wine shop after closing hours, he's gonna look into the shop window and wish he could be a better person who could enjoy the wine with all his heart. Calling you and saying nothing is essentially the same as having your nose glued to the wine shop window, longing to be a better specimen of humanity. And the white cider? Well, it knows its place. Wishes it was a wine (blonde hair dye), but knows it isn't. It too resents the wine....

 

B...throughout all the postings you and I have exchanged, you have always remained consistant with good advice...with words of wisdom. And always, without fail..you have helped me time and time again. But this one, your above example of the wine/cider really hit home. In fact, I had to read it a couple of times...sort of let it take hold and digest it. And after doing so, I leaned back in my chair and thought..."My God...yes! It's JUST like that!"

 

I don't know what your major is, but have you ever considered a career in psychology, or some type of counselling? Serious, B...you've got quite a knack for tapping into the human psyche/behavior, and I truly believe you could help a lot of people who are in pain. Seriously, have you ever considered it?

 

Are you still getting phone calls? Have you heard anything more from her? How's your strength/resolve holding up?

 

Thankyou, B!!

 

~T~

[gold26]

Dear TORMENTED,

 

i can relate to your story so much. You caught him with a smoking gun. Just like i did my EX.. the things they did in the past could be forgiven because they convinced us it was US who had the problem. They were not doing anything wrong it was just our suspicious minds. My ex used to go nuts when i asked questions that flustered him saying he HATED to be interrogated. When it was because he couldnt think fast enought to keep up with the things i asked. He called it "faulsly accussing him"

They have no way of facing us because there is no option than to admit what low down lying cheating dogs they are and they will never do that.

 

BTW if you get bored in the meantime.. read my story.. it will curl your hair.

[Tormented]

 

I think they are both sick with obsessions.

 

Yes, they are both sick...pathologically so. Which is why they are together. Yet - bored with each other. Rather than derive pleasure and stimuli from one another, they must look outside of their relationship to obtain it. I still maintain that the disappointment of NOT getting a reaction from the husband and I came as a harsh blow to their ego...much more than it did to us (the husband and I). Well, the fact that he's calling me, trying to work up the guts to actually make contact with me is a tell-tell that all is not well in paradise. Seems to me their little "love nest" is lacking....love.

 

Next time either of the nut job psychos calls you, check to make sure its them and blow a whistle LOUD into their ear ! lol............

 

Actually, Mary, I was thinking about that the other day. The next time he calls and just sits there, I'm tempted to say..."Go stick your tongue in a socket. THAT'LL give you a charge!" lol....

 

~T~

[Tormented]

They were not doing anything wrong it was just our suspicious minds.

 

Hello, Golden....

 

Ah, yes. The 'ol...'It's not me, it's you" song and dance. How I know it well! I can't even begin to count the times my ex tried to pass off *his* guilt onto my *trust issues.* In fact, *my trust* issues became like that of a hat rack...easy to toss his crap on instead of owning up to it. Even now, a month later...I can't help but grit my teeth when I think about it. But it's getting better, it really is. And it will for you too.

 

I haven't read your story yet, but I promise I will tomorrow after work. It's late and I have to get up early so I'm headed for bed now. What thread is your story under?

 

Chin up, girl. We'll make it through this!!!

 

~T~

[Greensleaves]

Your above comment sparked a memory of something he once said to me. While talking about his ex one day, he said she was "weak and needy' and that he "felt sorry for her." He then said...."I didn't respect her." So yes, I think you're spot on with this. On the flip side, my strength, and at times stubborness, drove him nuts. He use to say that I was "his pain in the *ss." And on other occasions, he said I had an "attitude." So, with this guy...you're either "weak," thereby deserving no respect - or you're a "pain in the *ss," thereby having an 'attitude.' Guess there was no winning here, eh?

 

 

No, that is the sad thing, there was no winning and there never will be, because this guy doesn't seem to be capable of change....

At least you figured it out early enough, rather a horrible end than neverending horror; dunno if that translates well, but that's what we would say

 

 

It's been peaceful the last few days, but I don't trust it. Like they say...the calm before the storm. My guess is...knowing him the way I do, he'll back off for a little while, hoping that "things" will change and I'll be a bit more approachable, and will then resurface. I think what's going to have to happen here is this pattern will repeat itself a few times before he finally accepts that I'm not coming back...ever. And only when he finally accepts this will it stop. So, my best move here is to stay on course, to continue to ignore him.

 

That's right. Thank God you are stubborn and " a pain in the ass"

 

 

See now...that's the killer when a relationship dies. Because with the death of that relationship goes the dreams with it. It's hard to give up that feeling of security, of thinking your future is peacefully mapped out, that you will not spend it alone, but rather, with the man you love. You even start entertaining silly little scenes in your head, like....seeing the two of you years down the line, both old and gray, laughing at various memories from the past while seated side by side on a swing on the front porch. You know, things like that. And they brought you much security and comfort.

 

 

And then one day....*poof.* Gone. Now what???

 

And the thought of starting all over again with somebody new is enough to drive a woman to a covent and slip into a nun's habit!

 

You are so right with that, yes, right now I don't feel like I can be bothered to go through the whole thing again, I hope that will change once I meet Mr Right. I hope he does exist.

The lost dreams, that is the worst part, it makes it difficult to trust again...

 

 

No, not strange. The fresh pain of your recent breakup completely eclipsed the pain of your last. Strange though, that we have to have MORE pain inflicted to get rid of previous pain. Kinda like a head trauma victim losing his/her memory, only to regain his/her memory upon another thump to the head. We humans are strange creatures, yes?

 

haha, sadly enough I have been a head trauma victim once, thank God I only lost my sense of smelling...

 

 

Ha! I'm a nurse too, and health care workers going without medical insurance is quite common. But that isn't abnormal at all in this country anymore. THOUSANDS of people in this country go without health insurance. And really, that just is NOT acceptable. I've been saying for quite some time now that this country needs to adopt the socialized medicine system. Sure beats going without!!

 

It is shocking. You know I read this GEO article that the world has 800 billionaires right now; more than double than a decade ago, and now some of them donated money to alleviate health problems and improve health care in Third World Countries. Whilst this is a very good cause and has my fullest approval I do think that it is bad that the gap between poor and rich is ever so increasing at rapid speed and health care in general has become an issue even in countries where it shouldn't be, because the infrastructure is there! But being a nurse you know all this of course.

 

 

I did...very quiet, very peaceful. Hope yours was a good one.

 

Thanks, wasn't too bad, visited family, kinda a quiet, but peaceful and felt nice. Now i am on a job hunt again and hope more will come up this week.

 

Green

[B-3128]

GRAAAAAAAAARGH!!!!!! I am so so pissed off right now. GRRR!!!! RANT RANT RANT!!!! I can't believe how much of a bitch to me she was. God's sake?! She thinks she can just put me through this, say sorry, and it'll be ok?! OMFG! Does she not get it!? Four days off two months and I'm still so so so affected by it. And I'm past the grace period where friends etc. want to be hearing about it. Must preserve my shiny happy positive image to the world. Keep my grumpiness and depression secret. Viva the internet, and you guys, my secret grumpy buddies. I don't know where I'd be without you

 

I'm just sitting there at my desk, trying to decide whether international trade is good for the third world or not, and instead of thinking about the mechanics of currency markets, all that's going through my head is what I would be saying to her if she was here. I've got so much stuff bottled up. It's just not healthy! She was so repressive it's insane! WTF?! Either you're a doormat and accept more and more of her irrational accusations, or you answer back to them and it all goes crazy because she can't handle anything other than total obedience. What a control freak! And it seems like this girl is like a leather boot. You can clean her by spitting on her. Oh how I wish I had been less reserved and expressed more primitive male emotion. Guns and bombs, anger, jealousy, rage..... just what she needed.... Instead, I tried to be some f***ing mother teresa, and look where that got me?! She seriously does think that she can just treat me like shi+ and that it's ok - that I'm some subhuman turd that can and should take this from her?! For God's sake!

 

I don't need that. I don't need to be told I'm a goofball, that I don't love her, that my efforts at showing her that I care aren't good enough. I don't need to be told that she thinks I'm "fun" but not "loving", and that she was saying so with her friends. I don't need to be made to feel inadequate. I don't need to be told about how "really nice" her new boyfriend is. I saw his picture - looks like a geeky doormat.... her cider T. Mr. Beta. FFS!? And I don't need to be kept living in guilt. I hate that. How I put up with it is beyond me. Sure I dumped her before her exams. I could have been more patient. But FFS, is it not frustrating to be told that someone wants to break up with you after you've tried extra hard for two weeks with all the means at your disposal?! Isn't it unfair to be put through the stress of your partner telling you they want out?! And even if they change their mind, is it unreasonable to be pushed over the edge?! I don't think so. Stupid bi+ch. I punished myself over that for months. Apologized for it no end. Hated myself for it. Hell, I even wanted to give money to charity to make up for it. Glad I didn't. I should give with better motives than guilt. Enough enough enough!

 

AAAAAAAAAAARGH!!!!!!!!!! NC is so hard when all you want to do is pick up the phone and unleash hell with a torrent of verbal abuse.

 

And she texts me an apology after I wouldn't pick up... and that's it. I ignore a few phonecalls and tell her I want to keep my distance, and then, after all the terror she put me through, she says, ok and that's it. Gives up? FFS! She put me through hell. Ignored my calls. Wouldn't read my letters. Was rude to me. Wouldn't accept my apologies for not calling her when she was ill (asthma attack, really not a big deal, two days after the airport incident). She made me feel so so so bad about myself. She didn't deserve any attention. She deserved every pain of that illness, even though it wasn't anything of a big deal. Well, maybe that's harsh, but she certainly didn't deserve any TLC from me. And she wouldn't read my email asking her to stop being mad at me.... so I printed it out and put it in the post to her in a printed envelope so she wouldn't realise it was from me until she opened it. All this after she'd been a TOTAL COW to me. Cheated unrepentingly. It's all in my Nasty Story thread. It's not like this girl cheated on me and came back begging for my forgiveness etc. No. She cheated on me, left me for another guy, and thinks I deserved it. What a complete f*****g whore. What a horrible specimen of humanity. EVIL EVIL person. And she gives up after a text message?! FFS! I'm not trying to test her, but I'm not exactly seeing that she's keen to make up for what she did to me. She almost wants me to give up on her. Wants me to abandon her. Will go to any length to drive me to it. What a cheapass attempt to mend things. I believed in my friendship with her so much that even when she blatently didn't want to hear from me, I wouldn't believe it. I had so much faith in her. I kept trying. Not to a stalkerish extent, but there is such a thing as not giving up, at least for a while. She's so terrible. I hate her so much for what she's done to me. Yet she's constantly on my mind and I miss her so much! This is so hard.

 

Right, I feel better having vented all that frustration. Whew.... this is almost as good as when I wrote that abusive email I never sent.....

 

Keep smiling...

 

B

[Greensleaves]

Oh dear B, that does sound pretty bad. Jeez, I don't even know what to say. She does sound super bad.

I mean not alone does she try and control you but she also did the whole cheating bit.

And of course it is hard missing somebody knowing that one shouldn't because it is not healthy and a waste of time.

She is not worth any effort and obviously she isn't even interested in taking any extra efforts herself, so yepp, all in all not worth it, but of course you all know that already anyways.

 

So hope that the venting helped somehow.

 

Well, she for sure does sound like a handful and who knows how long Mr Beta is up for that despite being a cheap cider....

[Tormented]

GRAAAAAAAAARGH!!!!!! I am so so pissed off right now. GRRR!!!! RANT RANT RANT!!!!

 

::::cautiously peers out from under the bed:::::

 

Pssst...somebody tell me when the coast is clear!!

 

Wow. Certainly sounds like you got a lot off of your chest there, my friend. Well good on you! Feels great, doesn't it? Leaves you feeling just a wee bit lighter....wee? Hell...more like TREMENDOUSLY lighter. Sometimes, B, we've got to tear off our oh-so-composed mask to let the beast of rage roar. Because if we don't, the roar will break through anything we try to mask it with...pouring out onto our friends, family, work, and all else we desperately try to hide it from.

 

Believe me, I know. I do the same thing...everyday. And there are days it takes every ounce of discipline/energy I can muster to keep my "act" in check.

 

And the kicker?

 

I've got everybody fooled. To look at me, to work or play with me, you'd never guess the rage/hurt/fear that dwells within. I laugh, sometimes a bit too much to overcompensate for my pain. I tell jokes, bringing laughter to all around me. I smile, I'm courteous, I mind my manners, I'm pleasant. All day, everyday.

 

But at night, when I'm alone in my bedroom...sitting here in front of my computer...I tear off my self-imposed mask and lend the beast free rein. I have to. It's what keeps me sane.

 

I cry, I lay on my bed and stare at the ceiling...sometimes for an hour or better. I play back scenes of "us" in my mind...sometimes leaving me sad and lonely, and I hate to admit it, but missing him.

 

Sometimes it incites pure rage, to the degree I felt it the day our relationship came to an explosive end. The shock, the disbelief that he could do that to me...followed by the deep anger. And in my comforting privacy, I sometimes grit my teeth and say outloud..."I hate you. I hate you for what you did to me and I hope someday you get your heart torn out of your chest and stomped on. Just like you did to mine."

 

I've no doubt that if somebody peeked into my window, they'd decide that I'm a flaming nut! Well, hell. Why not? What was done to many of us on this board is enough to drive ANYBODY nuts.

 

You know, there are so many times I wish I had gone off on him that day...just let the rage within jump out of my mouth and onto him...where it belongs. And to be honest, I really don't give a damn what kind of effect it would have had, or how I would've appeared to him. Screw him! It would be for ME, for MY benefit. I wonder...had I done that, would I feel better about it today? Would I be carrying as much rage as I am now? Oh, I know that giving it to him full barrels wasn't going to rid me of all my anger, but perhaps it would had lessened it, if just a little?

 

I don't know. I said few words...threw our pics, his cards and letters to me, the ring he gave me, and his pajama bottoms in his truck...then pointed at him and said..."Don't ever call me again!" With that, I walked away.

 

End of story.

 

Not a word to him since. Ohhhh...but I've got SO much more to say. And sometimes I don't think I'll ever be able to get rid of these demons until I've had my full say...no hold bars...and to his face. He created this rage within me. Only seems right that it's thrusted upon HIS shoulders rather than mine.

 

As you know, he's tried to contact me but I refuse to answer. But you know, a BIG part of me WANTS to answer so I will finally be given my chance to tell him, up close and personal, EXACTLY how I feel - my deep hatred for him as a result. It's as though I want to dehumanize him...bring him down to the small size he actually is. I want to verbally cut him to shreds.

 

Okay, okay...I admit it. I have actually had visions of me planting my fist right square in his face! No, I'm not a violent person. But pain like this drives one to do (or WANT to do) things they don't/won't ordinarily do.

 

Because...when it comes to the human heart. The human soul. The human love...these are the vulnerable core of our being. We are tough creatures by nature, can (and have) endured every hardship imaginable. Physical ailments/deseases, horrible human conditions...you name it, the human race has survived it. But not so when it comes to the heart/soul/love of a human. It is through these channels that the human can be destroyed.

 

That's why the human is so protective of these vulnerable departments. Why we guard them with our life. And why we react so harshly/irrationally/strongly when we've been dealt a blow to this area. To allow another to enter these very delicate and vulnerable areas of our life takes great trust and courage. And when we give these precious gifts to another, we basically empower them to hurt us in a way that can cause potential harm...sometimes permanently so. We believe in the person we've given these gifts to, and when they betray us, abuse this thing we hold so dear to our heart, we naturally react in shock/disbelief/rage.

 

Is it any wonder that it's taking us, and most on this board, longer time than we had expected/hoped it would?

 

My God...what we sustained was a brutal assault to our core. And by one that we trusted, we loved, we held dear.

 

I do understand what you mean about your pity-party ticket "expiring" with friends and family. People are so sympathetic at first. And they remain sympathetic...for a short while. But then they grow tired of hearing it. They expect you to be "over" it. And their unrealistic expectations make us feel like "failures." As though we are weak.

 

Bullsh*t!

 

We HAVE to work through it. ALL OF IT. Because if we don't, we'll get stuck here. And it will bleed in to our future relationships. Not good. And really, is it fair for your future mate to pay for the sins of your ex?

 

Nope.

 

So...gotta do what you gotta do NOW to get rid of it.

 

And that's what we're doing here...getting rid of this crap so we can move on and be healthy...to live happy...to excorsize our demons, per se.

 

I'm glad we're here for each other, B. You guys are my secret little "rant" buddies as well. Nobody that knows me personally would ever believe that I go home at night and bang out posts of pain/anger in a desperate effort to free myself.

 

Coming here...looking oh-so-forward to seeing you g uys is what's keeping me functionable. I gain a lot of strenght here...strength I need to carry on.

 

This board has become like a battery charger for me.

 

And I am so grateful...

 

I got a kick out of your description of her new boyfriend. Yep...I know the feeling.

 

I look at my ex's Borderline-pycho of a girlfriend and find myself in wonder at WHAT he see's there. I'm honestly not trying to undermine her, nor speak this out of jealousy, but rather, out of fact...not just my fact, but fact that others have spoken.

 

She is short, overweight (by quite a bit), lacking intelligence, style, social graces and tact. She has no job skills nor talents to speak of. She can not offer loyalty (as displayed by her past behavior with both my ex and her husband..who she has left 5 times before), and is a bit of a slob. She has been diagnosed with BPD and ADHD, and must take psychotropic medications to maintain. She will cheat in a hot red minute if she thinks doing so will gain her a better position in life.

 

Honestly, B...I don't get it. And you know what? I think my ex realizes the mistake he made but doesn't know how to fix it. He keeps trying to make contact with me, but the minute I answer, he seems to lose his nerve and either just sits there or hangs up.

 

But really, after what he did...what CAN he say to me? I've no doubt he's in a bad place, but he has only himself to blame.

 

He and I...what we once were...what we could have been...is gone for good.

 

There is no going back now.

 

It's final.

 

And it hurts.

 

~T~

[Tormented]

GRAAAAAAAAARGH!!!!!! I am so so pissed off right now. GRRR!!!! RANT RANT RANT!!!!

 

::::cautiously peers out from under the bed:::::

 

Pssst...somebody tell me when the coast is clear!!

 

Wow. Certainly sounds like you got a lot off of your chest there, my friend. Well good on you! Feels great, doesn't it? Leaves you feeling just a wee bit lighter....wee? Hell...more like TREMENDOUSLY lighter. Sometimes, B, we've got to tear off our oh-so-composed mask to let the beast of rage roar. Because if we don't, the roar will break through anything we try to mask it with...pouring out onto our friends, family, work, and all else we desperately try to hide it from.

 

Believe me, I know. I do the same thing...everyday. And there are days it takes every ounce of discipline/energy I can muster to keep my "act" in check.

 

And the kicker?

 

I've got everybody fooled. To look at me, to work or play with me, you'd never guess the rage/hurt/fear that dwells within. I laugh, sometimes a bit too much to overcompensate for my pain. I tell jokes, bringing laughter to all around me. I smile, I'm courteous, I mind my manners, I'm pleasant. All day, everyday.

 

But at night, when I'm alone in my bedroom...sitting here in front of my computer...I tear off my self-imposed mask and lend the beast free rein. I have to. It's what keeps me sane.

 

I cry, I lay on my bed and stare at the ceiling...sometimes for an hour or better. I play back scenes of "us" in my mind...sometimes leaving me sad and lonely, and I hate to admit it, but missing him.

 

Sometimes it incites pure rage, to the degree I felt it the day our relationship came to an explosive end. The shock, the disbelief that he could do that to me...followed by the deep anger. And in my comforting privacy, I sometimes grit my teeth and say outloud..."I hate you. I hate you for what you did to me and I hope someday you get your heart torn out of your chest and stomped on. Just like you did to mine."

 

I've no doubt that if somebody peeked into my window, they'd decide that I'm a flaming nut! Well, hell. Why not? What was done to many of us on this board is enough to drive ANYBODY nuts.

 

You know, there are so many times I wish I had gone off on him that day...just let the rage within jump out of my mouth and onto him...where it belongs. And to be honest, I really don't give a damn what kind of effect it would have had, or how I would've appeared to him. Screw him! It would be for ME, for MY benefit. I wonder...had I done that, would I feel better about it today? Would I be carrying as much rage as I am now? Oh, I know that giving it to him full barrels wasn't going to rid me of all my anger, but perhaps it would had lessened it, if just a little?

 

I don't know. I said few words...threw our pics, his cards and letters to me, the ring he gave me, and his pajama bottoms in his truck...then pointed at him and said..."Don't ever call me again!" With that, I walked away.

 

End of story.

 

Not a word to him since. Ohhhh...but I've got SO much more to say. And sometimes I don't think I'll ever be able to get rid of these demons until I've had my full say...no hold bars...and to his face. He created this rage within me. Only seems right that it's thrusted upon HIS shoulders rather than mine.

 

As you know, he's tried to contact me but I refuse to answer. But you know, a BIG part of me WANTS to answer so I will finally be given my chance to tell him, up close and personal, EXACTLY how I feel - my deep hatred for him as a result. It's as though I want to dehumanize him...bring him down to the small size he actually is. I want to verbally cut him to shreds.

 

Okay, okay...I admit it. I have actually had visions of me planting my fist right square in his face! No, I'm not a violent person. But pain like this drives one to do (or WANT to do) things they don't/won't ordinarily do.

 

Because...when it comes to the human heart. The human soul. The human love...these are the vulnerable core of our being. We are tough creatures by nature, can (and have) endured every hardship imaginable. Physical ailments/deseases, horrible human conditions...you name it, the human race has survived it. But not so when it comes to the heart/soul/love of a human. It is through these channels that the human can be destroyed.

 

That's why the human is so protective of these vulnerable departments. Why we guard them with our life. And why we react so harshly/irrationally/strongly when we've been dealt a blow to this area. To allow another to enter these very delicate and vulnerable areas of our life takes great trust and courage. And when we give these precious gifts to another, we basically empower them to hurt us in a way that can cause potential harm...sometimes permanently so. We believe in the person we've given these gifts to, and when they betray us, abuse this thing we hold so dear to our heart, we naturally react in shock/disbelief/rage.

 

Is it any wonder that it's taking us, and most on this board, longer time than we had expected/hoped it would?

 

My God...what we sustained was a brutal assault to our core. And by one that we trusted, we loved, we held dear.

 

I do understand what you mean about your pity-party ticket "expiring" with friends and family. People are so sympathetic at first. And they remain sympathetic...for a short while. But then they grow tired of hearing it. They expect you to be "over" it. And their unrealistic expectations make us feel like "failures." As though we are weak.

 

Bullsh*t!

 

We HAVE to work through it. ALL OF IT. Because if we don't, we'll get stuck here. And it will bleed in to our future relationships. Not good. And really, is it fair for your future mate to pay for the sins of your ex?

 

Nope.

 

So...gotta do what you gotta do NOW to get rid of it.

 

And that's what we're doing here...getting rid of this crap so we can move on and be healthy...to live happy...to excorsize our demons, per se.

 

I'm glad we're here for each other, B. You guys are my secret little "rant" buddies as well. Nobody that knows me personally would ever believe that I go home at night and bang out posts of pain/anger in a desperate effort to free myself.

 

Coming here...looking oh-so-forward to seeing you g uys is what's keeping me functionable. I gain a lot of strenght here...strength I need to carry on.

 

This board has become like a battery charger for me.

 

And I am so grateful...

 

I got a kick out of your description of her new boyfriend. Yep...I know the feeling.

 

I look at my ex's Borderline-pycho of a girlfriend and find myself in wonder at WHAT he see's there. I'm honestly not trying to undermine her, nor speak this out of jealousy, but rather, out of fact...not just my fact, but fact that others have spoken.

 

She is short, overweight (by quite a bit), lacking intelligence, style, social graces and tact. She has no job skills nor talents to speak of. She can not offer loyalty (as displayed by her past behavior with both my ex and her husband..who she has left 5 times before), and is a bit of a slob. She has been diagnosed with BPD and ADHD, and must take psychotropic medications to maintain. She will cheat in a hot red minute if she thinks doing so will gain her a better position in life.

 

Honestly, B...I don't get it. And you know what? I think my ex realizes the mistake he made but doesn't know how to fix it. He keeps trying to make contact with me, but the minute I answer, he seems to lose his nerve and either just sits there or hangs up.

 

But really, after what he did...what CAN he say to me? I've no doubt he's in a bad place, but he has only himself to blame.

 

He and I...what we once were...what we could have been...is gone for good.

 

There is no going back now.

 

It's final.

 

And it hurts.

 

~T~

[Tormented]

Green...quick question. Are you British or American? I ask because I noticed in your last post you used the word "whilst." That's a word the British use alot while writing.

 

Because, if that's the case...I had to laugh when I thought to myself..."my, my...would you look at this? Two Brits and a yank pulling together for survival." :::laughing:::

 

Well, I guess you can say B and I are having a real go of it right now. Kinda like undergoing an emotional enema to rid ourselves of the muck within. It's hard. About the time you think you've got the bull by the horns, the bull decides to shake loose and knocks you on your ass.

 

That's alright, though. Just means we have to get back up, wipe the dust from our butts, and grab hold of those horns again.

 

Sooner or later, the bull is going to get tired and lay down. And THAT'S the day I, and many here, look forward to.

 

Any job prospects on the horizon? I've no doubt you'll land one soon because you have such a strong will to obtain one. At least you're not caving in to self-pity and giving up. I know I said this once before, but you honestly NEED to pat yourself on the back for this. It really is quite an amazing feat considering all that you're dealing with.

 

Drove by my ex again today. I didn't even look up at him...not even a "sneak" peak like I usually do.

 

This is SO damn hard, ya know?

 

Love sucks.

 

~T~

[Brokenheartt]

Girl you can do so much better then this dude,

thats not love hunny, he dont love you! thats not right. if that dude was willing to put his cock in her unfaithful pussy(Once Again!) must be a real animal! think of it this way, well no actualy dont think, just listen to what my soul speaks, we are all animals in the animal kingdom weve just evolved more intelligent somehow through a revolution more then others, men will always try to be the dominate ones. Be the ones that **** any female they can( be the innocent ones, oh please) and still keep em around. things dont change. ive only met one "man" in my life and hes proven me everything of a"man" quality.

 

Theres a few actual"men" out there.only one i know. How about you? think deeply in your heart and soul and find out, can he repair your broken heart? your heart that has been shattered into pieces because of this"man". can you really sleep in the same bed with this "man" when he has been unfaithfull with you, and most likely continue his ways? mm i think you better reconsider your desision to keep this animal around.

peace love;)

[B-3128]

Well, she for sure does sound like a handful and who knows how long Mr Beta is up for that despite being a cheap cider....

 

 

Thing is, I really do hate myself sometimes for seeing him as Mr. Beta. I feel like if I think that, I am being overcome by dark emotions of jealousy. I don't like to think of people as lower than me. Handling my pain badly etc. Sure, he looks like a nerd in the photo, but I feel bad about judging on appearance. Still, whatever floats her boat I guess. You know, I stole this girl off someone in the very beginning... the xbf she would go to every holiday when we weren't at uni together. That's a lesson learned: once cheating scum, always cheating scum. Well, that was a fun time in itself if compartmentalized, ie. viewed separately from the rest of it... So let's leave Mr. Beta out of it. I don't think I'd punch him in the face if I met him. In fact, I empathise with him more than I do her. Today I'm the victim. Tomorrow, he might be. Nevertheless, I'm sure he's not without his visually concealed qualities. I'm making a big judgement about someone just because he's chinese and wears big specs.... hehehe

 

Well, I'm in a better mood than I was two days ago. I'm still not ok. Quite disaffected with a lot of things. I'm not sure.... I've been thinking a lot that the point of life is that there is no point, and all of it is a big quest to realize just that. To stand back, take it easy, and realise that it's not a big deal. Maybe I'm becoming all zen about things... more likely, it's some sort of manifestation of depression. Not suicidal or anything... I'd only self harm as a means to getting antidepressants. Doctors here only take you seriously if you self harm. They don't believe you're depressed otherwise. God... sometimes it pisses me off that people of composure are seen to have fewer feelings than those who lose it and behave like children. She used to throw tantrums and be a psycho... and me... mr. calm, who therefore has no feelings.... jeez.... people are stupid - they piss me off sometimes...

 

You know guys, despite my angry post, I do, like T, miss it all. I really really miss her. I can't choose my feelings. I wish I could, but I can't help it. Still, by doing things like NC, I can try and channel them in the right direction (ie. into the busom of some other chick ). Busom is such a funny word. Very Shakespeare. This is obviously a metaphor. Contact with mammaries belonging to another girl is obviously not the whole answer. Still, perhaps going for someone else, like all the bad feelings that must be felt, is just another step on the way through it all. Another move towards the emotional self sufficiency we seek but never arrive at, but can paradoxically only ever get closer to by bonding with other people. We humans are funny creatures.

 

And although I can post all sorts of philosophical nuggets of wisdom and alcoholic metaphors, and although it will make you think that I've got my head screwed on because I'm not hysterical, it's catch 22. You remember what I was saying about people of composure? Despite all this, I hurt just as much as someone hysterical does. I just have the bull by the horns. The bull has them by the testicles. And because of that, we get left in the cold. Nobody feels like a hero talking to a troubled someone who's not in trouble. What is there to gain? They don't even understand that you can be so troubled and yet have a lot of things going well for you. I think that I'm the best person at feeling sorry for myself. Is that because I'm self-indulgent, or is it because they're blind? I'll never know.

 

Despite her horridness. Despite my best efforts, I still really feel for this girl. "What a fool" you say. Well, you guys don't. You love your human turds just as much as I love mine, despite their stench. Still, sometimes I think I'm just cursed with the ability to see the gourmet meal in the piece of shi+. A magic power I wish I was without.

 

Not a day goes by where I don't think about trying to help her etc. But I can't. It's a horrible position. And I bet she thinks I'm a traitor for abandoning her. She probably expects me to come apologizing. I have 6 weeks or so till her birthday. I think about it every day. I want so much to give her something I know she would love. It's not even something expensive. But then I think, it might just be a cheap gift with none of the sentimental value it would have had before. Then again, I could just mail her a bland card. That'll be quite a symbol of the failure of our friendship and our relationship. But you know, while she was busy sucking Beta's giblets, she found time to write me the blandest of bland postcards. One of those "Went there, did this, weather was x y z". So maybe I owe her something similar. But then I hate myself for being vengeful. She used to call me vengeful alot. Perhaps it was her way of trying to extract my complete subordination. Being a person can be tough sometimes. If only I could measure these things with litmus paper or something... Only thing I can really do is wait for the day, see how I feel, and put my feelings into action. Sounds simple eh? And there I was, going on about how life isn't a big deal. Feelings into action... who would have thought it was that difficult!!!

 

What a mess.....

 

B

[Tormented]

Well guys, I was told some things a few days ago about my ex's g/f that should had given me the satisfaction of knowing that he truly IS stuck with a using loser (like I didn't already know that), but instead, it has stirred a fresh streak of anger. I really haven't slept well the past 2 nights since my new discovery, and to be honest, I was so upset about it I couldn't even bring myself to post here.

 

But now, here I am, wide-eyed at 2:15 am. Looks like I'm in for another restless night. I'm so tired of this...I truly am.

 

A co-worker and I were talking this past Thursday, and she mentioned the name of my ex's g/f's husband. In fact, she knows him well. I told her that the man she moved in with is my ex, and one thing led to another.

 

Turns out she knows my ex's girlfriend quite well, in fact, use to live next to her a few years ago. She told me that she (ex's g/f), was heavily in to drugs, had men in and out of her apartment day and night, and according to her, the police were over there frequently.

 

But here's the kicker...

 

Turns out she had 3 small children, one was only a month old. These children were taken away from her for abuse and neglect. Things were so bad that a neighbor called the Child Protection Services Department who took the children out of the home and placed them with her mother. According to my co-worker, she never fought for them, doesn't want them...is suppose to be attending substance abuse meetings as a step to get her kids back, but can't even be bothered to attend these meetings.

 

What in the hell kind of woman, or man, for that matter, could turn their backs on their own children??? But worse...what kind of person could abuse/neglect their OWN kids???

 

Further more, according to the co-worker, she uses men...always has, and says she's using my ex because apparently she and her husband were being evicted from their house they rented.

 

NOW I understand WHY she re-appeared in my ex's life. She needed a place to stay. She needed a man to take care of her because apparently her husband wasn't doing it to her satisfaction.

 

I wonder if my ex knows all of this?

 

I don't know, you'd think I'd take some pleasure in knowing that sooner or later, he's gonna get his. This woman will once again tear his heart out. Well, of course she will. She's a hard core BPD if there ever was once.

 

Instead, if anything...the pain that was beginning to dull some has returned. It's not easy knowing that you were put on the back burner for a woman who has NO loyalty to ANYONE...not even her children. Who has repeatedly hurt people, used people, a past and present drug addict, and has NO morals whatsoever.

 

I honestly don't know what to think anymore. I say that I was placed on the back burner, but I don't know if that's completely the case or not. A part of me thinks he never meant for me to find out that he was in contact with her, and when I showed up unexpectly and found her at his house that day...well, the cat was out of the bag and he was now stuck with her because I walked away. I honestly don't know if he planned to move her in and break it off with me or if he was going to send her down the road and hope I never found out she was there that day. I don't know anymore...

 

It's GOT to be horrible living with a woman you can't trust, and I know he doesn't. I can't count the times he's said to me in the past that he could never trust her again. My ex has some major trust issues as it is...can you imagine what he's going through living with a woman who has proved to him from past history that she can't be trusted? I honest to God can't understand how he can live with that. I know I couldn't. There's no damn way I could live with, or have a relationship with a person I know I couldn't trust.

 

He did try to contact me several times...not this past week or so, but he has tried. And I can't help but wonder if he knows he's made a horrible mistake. If he knows that he lost a decent woman who loved him, who he could trust by his deceit. Does he know that? Does he think about it? Does he miss the security he had with me? I don't know...

 

But even if he did make contact with me, what could he say for himself? Is that why he calls and falls silent or just hangs up? Does he believe I hate him now, will never talk to him again? Does that make him sad? Does he truly regret his actions?

 

I don't know....

 

I know my ex VERY well. Hell, you can't spend as much time as we did together, spend hours upon hours talking, sharing, dreaming...and not come to know that person well.

 

But THIS...well, I just can't understand it. For the life of me, I can NOT understand where his head was at when he got involved with her. Yet...he continued to try to contact me, even when I told him to never call me again the last day I saw him.

 

I'm having a REALLY hard time, guys. I really am. There are so many unanswered questions, so many things I don't understand...but NEED to. And only he has the answers.

 

I know it would be unhealthy to talk to him...yes, I know. But on the flip side, I need some friggn' answers! I don't know that he'll be able (or willing) to provide me with what I need because it seems to me he's confused as well. And after what he pulled, I don't trust him enough to be honest with me.

 

So...I'm torn, you see. I need some answers, yet...I don't trust him enough to provide them.

 

Yeah, I know...I'm rambling. Just typing random thoughts as they enter. Thoughts that are keeping me awake at night. Thoughts that are constantly haunting me...and I need some relief.

 

I've thought seriously about contacting him, telling him I want some answers...that he OWES me THAT much.

 

But at what cost? Is it worth risking another heartache to get some answers? Will seeing him to get the answers screw my head up even more than it already is?

 

I don't know...

 

And there it is....I TRULY don't know anymore.

 

~T~

 

Turns out she knows

[Amour77]

Wow!

I have read all of this thread and it is so moving!

Tormented and B, I do feel for you guys!

I totally see where you are coming from as far as the anger is concerned. I have recently found out that my ex had been seeing a guy for at least a month and a half and had started to see him before we actually broke up. I was actually away from home to visit my family (who I only see a couple of times a year) when she met this guy and started to date him. How sweet of her! She waited to have this guy in reserve to then say "bye bye".

When we broke up about 5 weeks ago, I tried to convince her as hard as I could that I loved her with all my heart and that I wanted us to stay together. We had been together for almost six years. We had been through a lot of things together during that time, had faced a lot of difficulties together, built a life together. We had been through good times and also bad times.

However, she had cheated on me last year with a random guy she had met at a course she had taken to gain extra qualifications so that she could follow me and have a job if I had to move for professional reasons. A big sign of committment to me, but at the same time, a big betrayal. How could she do both? How could she go through the efforts of further training, etc... as a sign of committment to me but at the same time, use this opportunity to meet a random guy and cheat on me? She only pretended she had kissed that guy, but she had a big lovebite in her neck that she had had to conceal for days. My guess is that they had probably slept together, but she would not admit it. At the time, probably to find a way to excuse herself and get rid of the guilt, she had written a letter to me and all was my fault. She had drawn a kind of table about what was wrong. The section about me was huge, hers was very little!

 

A few weeks ago, when she did say she wanted to break up, all was my fault! I had made her unhappy and I was depressing and she was sick of me! BS! I did recognise I had had a bad year or so (which was not helped by her cheating) and committed myself to improve things 'cause I loved her so much. She had none of it. "It is too late", she kept on saying! Three weeks before the break up, she was saying she loved me and missed me so much (when I was away) in our bed, that she could not go to sleep and had to keep the light on, etc.... but within the same few days, she went out to meet a new guy! How cool! Then, when I came back home, it all started to be very cold and distant!

She wanted to break up because she wanted to live life by herself and find out a little bit about herself. She wanted to do her own things, etc.... Fair enough! I thought maybe it is time to go apart for a while and reconsider this whole thing and see if we could come out of it stronger. We had been through some rough patches in the previous couple of months (both our faults) and it was maybe time to think about it on our own (Since the break up we have been living under the same roof).

To that, she added that she wanted to remain good friends, she really liked me, she thought I was a nice and attractive guy, she wanted to keep in regular contact, etc.... At the same time, I started to have suspicions about her seeing another guy as she had cheated on me last year (exactly at the same time of year).

First she had mentioned that her friend had met a guy and that they were going to see him again.

She then also started to spend a lot of time on her mobile phone texting. She changed her PIN number and her email password. Before she did that, I had read an email she had send to a friend saying that she had met this guy who is 4 years younger than her (she is 27.5) and that he was ugly, but she fancied him! She was also meant to have a boyfriend (me) and that she was going through some life crisis! She then started to go out all the time, saying she was going to friends', etc....Always wearing make up, perfumed, showered, legs shaved, etc.... I thought: "Oh well, she is trying to fell good about herself". She also started to spend nights away and stuff. Very quickly, I started to have suspicions (I am not stupid) and asked her if she was seeing someone. She said no. I asked again. She said no again! OK, I thought, she is not usually a liar and maybe I am becoming a little bit paranoid with all these signs). I kinda gave up this idea. In the meantime, she kept on telling me how much she wanted us to be friends, that she liked me, etc... She also said a loving word to me twice, a word she only says to people she loves. We were well and truly separated, but I thought that she was really torn apart, but going through all that break up to proved something to herself or something. Then, recently, she also started to say that it was very hard for her to go through this, that she found it hard to keep it all together, that she was stressed, not sleeping well, etc....She even burst into tears a couple of times. I thought "Oh, she is having a rough time, she is thinking about us a lot, etc... this whole story is really stirring her!"

As mentionned earlier on, all this time we have been living under the same roof. We were also talking about selling the house, or her buying my half of it. Right from the start, she has shown a big interest in keeping the house. She had once blackmailed me that if I wanted to sell the house to a third party, she would not be friends with me anymore and that she would not talk to me anymore. I thought about it and finally realised that at the end of the day, if she wanted to keep the house, it made sense after all as I do not want to stay in it forever! So we had agreed on that and things were on their way (slowly) to get sorted out. However, she kind of let me know that she would have financial difficulties, etc...

All the nice exchanges continued, all the small talk, etc.... Some nasty crap coming from her as well from time to time, but overall, nice atmosphere, although a bit tense at times.

Recently, She even started to get all jealous on me and say things like "Where have you been last night, do you have a girlfriend?" or "Who are you texting, is it your girlfriend?" She insisted several times. I just kept my mouth shut, but just to let you know, no I don't see anybody right now. As you know Tormented, one has to heal first. I thought again, "good sign, she might be realising she is losing me, etc..."

 

Let's come to the conclusion now. All this time, as you know she had been seeing that other guy. How did I find out about it all? Well, one morning, she had let her phone on and I looked at it. Scores of text messages from this random guy....! Things seem quite advanced between them and they have been at it already many times probably. From all these messages, I also worked out that all the nights she had spent away had been with this guy (who is much younger than her) and not at her friends.

 

There is a triple betrayal:

1) She cheated on me again and had this guy in reserve before telling me we were breaking up. Very handy for her!

2) All this time, she lied to me and said she was not seeing anybody else. She kept me hoping there could be a possible future reconciliation (in maybe a few months) and kept being nice to me, saying nice things, offering to help, etc....

She gave me all that crap about being stressed, finding it hard to keep it all together, not sleeping well, etc..... No wonder she was not sleeping well! She was spending all her nights getting ......

3) I have now realised that her ultimate goal in doing all that nicey nicey crap was to keep me on the smooth side so that I would sell her my half of the house and not chnage my mind. Also, she probably was trying to get as cheap a deal as possible.

 

I AM SO ANGRY right now, and I do echo your feelings, Tormented and B.

The last couple of times I saw her in the house, I have just given her the biggest ever verbal abuse you can think of. I have been so nasty to her verbally, it is unbelievable. I know it does not solve anything, but I just felt like I needed to pour all my hate on her. I don't feel better for it, but I could not help it! I think that it might just be a natural reaction, at the end of the day. I am going to try to control myself from now on, and not giving in into this nonsense. If I continue to pour all my anger on her, it will also give her another excuse to say that I am an idiot, that I was not worth it, etc... Also, by talking to her like this, I am giving her too much attention, too much credit. Silence and ignorance is the worst thing you can treat people with! However, I am still raging inside and I can't get rid of this feeling. I had to cope with a break up a few weeks ago, and now, I have to cope with that anger and feeling of betrayal. I am so ANGRY!

 

Just to tell you guys, that you are not alone, and feeling angry and peed off is a natural thing. Do not let it burn you (I will try to follow my own advice here )

 

Keep your chin up and try to let go of the losers!

 

All the best

[B-3128]

Well guys, I was told some things a few days ago about my ex's g/f that should had given me the satisfaction of knowing that he truly IS stuck with a using loser (like I didn't already know that), but instead, it has stirred a fresh streak of anger. I really haven't slept well the past 2 nights since my new discovery, and to be honest, I was so upset about it I couldn't even bring myself to post here.

 

So this must mean that you're feeling marginally better now because you're posting...

 

But now, here I am, wide-eyed at 2:15 am. Looks like I'm in for another restless night. I'm so tired of this...I truly am.

 

I can imagine! Wish you could press fast forward eh?

 

A co-worker and I were talking this past Thursday, and she mentioned the name of my ex's g/f's husband. In fact, she knows him well. I told her that the man she moved in with is my ex, and one thing led to another.

 

Turns out she knows my ex's girlfriend quite well, in fact, use to live next to her a few years ago. She told me that she (ex's g/f), was heavily in to drugs, had men in and out of her apartment day and night, and according to her, the police were over there frequently.

 

But here's the kicker...

 

Turns out she had 3 small children, one was only a month old. These children were taken away from her for abuse and neglect. Things were so bad that a neighbor called the Child Protection Services Department who took the children out of the home and placed them with her mother. According to my co-worker, she never fought for them, doesn't want them...is suppose to be attending substance abuse meetings as a step to get her kids back, but can't even be bothered to attend these meetings.

 

This is very bollywood....

 

What in the hell kind of woman, or man, for that matter, could turn their backs on their own children??? But worse...what kind of person could abuse/neglect their OWN kids???

 

psycho

 

Further more, according to the co-worker, she uses men...always has, and says she's using my ex because apparently she and her husband were being evicted from their house they rented.

 

NOW I understand WHY she re-appeared in my ex's life. She needed a place to stay. She needed a man to take care of her because apparently her husband wasn't doing it to her satisfaction.

 

I wonder if my ex knows all of this?

 

yes.... he does... wine and cider, wine and cider...

 

I don't know, you'd think I'd take some pleasure in knowing that sooner or later, he's gonna get his. This woman will once again tear his heart out. Well, of course she will. She's a hard core BPD if there ever was once.

 

Instead, if anything...the pain that was beginning to dull some has returned. It's not easy knowing that you were put on the back burner for a woman who has NO loyalty to ANYONE...not even her children. Who has repeatedly hurt people, used people, a past and present drug addict, and has NO morals whatsoever.

 

I honestly don't know what to think anymore. I say that I was placed on the back burner, but I don't know if that's completely the case or not. A part of me thinks he never meant for me to find out that he was in contact with her, and when I showed up unexpectly and found her at his house that day...well, the cat was out of the bag and he was now stuck with her because I walked away. I honestly don't know if he planned to move her in and break it off with me or if he was going to send her down the road and hope I never found out she was there that day. I don't know anymore...

 

You don't know, but what I think is really frustrating you is the fact that you want to know, rather than the fact that you don't. We can't pick our feelings. You still care about what he thinks and you really don't want to and know you shouldn't. It's a struggle between your old mind and your new mind. Remember, that's not him anymore. It's a zombie. And think about where you want to be. To me, it seems like you want to be in a state where you are over it and his opinion of you is insignificant. If that is your goal and you are set on it... and I mean truly set on it... 100%... then I don't think you will let the side of you that wants to contact him win. You're running a race and your feelings for him are a pebble in your shoe. Stop to take it out, and sure, you'll be more comfortable, but don't lose sight of the big picture. You have a race to finish, and you don't want to lose time. Just keep running. Run and run and run, no matter how much it hurts. Crossing the finish line matters so much more.

 

It's GOT to be horrible living with a woman you can't trust, and I know he doesn't. I can't count the times he's said to me in the past that he could never trust her again. My ex has some major trust issues as it is...can you imagine what he's going through living with a woman who has proved to him from past history that she can't be trusted? I honest to God can't understand how he can live with that. I know I couldn't. There's no damn way I could live with, or have a relationship with a person I know I couldn't trust.

 

He did try to contact me several times...not this past week or so, but he has tried. And I can't help but wonder if he knows he's made a horrible mistake. If he knows that he lost a decent woman who loved him, who he could trust by his deceit. Does he know that? Does he think about it? Does he miss the security he had with me? I don't know...

 

Yes, and he's probably quite miserable about it. And if he isn't, he will be. You know it. I know it. Green knows it. What does it matter if he does? It's your thoughts and feelings that are priority uno at the mo. Let's stick to them before we go saving the world...

 

But even if he did make contact with me, what could he say for himself? Is that why he calls and falls silent or just hangs up? Does he believe I hate him now, will never talk to him again? Does that make him sad? Does he truly regret his actions?

 

I don't know....

 

I know my ex VERY well. Hell, you can't spend as much time as we did together, spend hours upon hours talking, sharing, dreaming...and not come to know that person well.

 

But THIS...well, I just can't understand it. For the life of me, I can NOT understand where his head was at when he got involved with her. Yet...he continued to try to contact me, even when I told him to never call me again the last day I saw him.

 

I'm having a REALLY hard time, guys. I really am. There are so many unanswered questions, so many things I don't understand...but NEED to. And only he has the answers.

 

No, we have the answers here... The answer is to get through this, and posting will help you do that.

 

I know it would be unhealthy to talk to him...yes, I know. But on the flip side, I need some friggn' answers! I don't know that he'll be able (or willing) to provide me with what I need because it seems to me he's confused as well. And after what he pulled, I don't trust him enough to be honest with me.

 

Run run run!!!!!!!! KEEP RUNNING!!!! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD DON'T TALK TO HIM!!!!!!

 

So...I'm torn, you see. I need some answers, yet...I don't trust him enough to provide them.

 

Yeah, I know...I'm rambling. Just typing random thoughts as they enter. Thoughts that are keeping me awake at night. Thoughts that are constantly haunting me...and I need some relief.

 

Then ramble. Here to support you. The whole point is theraputic rambling. It's what will save us all from eternal damnation

 

I've thought seriously about contacting him, telling him I want some answers...that he OWES me THAT much.

 

But at what cost? Is it worth risking another heartache to get some answers? Will seeing him to get the answers screw my head up even more than it already is?

 

I don't know...

 

And there it is....I TRULY don't know anymore.

 

And if you really really are set on contacting him for answers, why don't you give yourself 14 days. Draw a chart and tick yes or no each night. Make sure it's what you truly want. You owe it to yourself not to make any decisions on a whim.

 

~T~

 

Turns out she knows

 

 

I really hope you pull through this lapse...

 

B

[B-3128]

Wow!

I have read all of this thread and it is so moving!

Tormented and B, I do feel for you guys!

I totally see where you are coming from as far as the anger is concerned. I have recently found out that my ex had been seeing a guy for at least a month and a half and had started to see him before we actually broke up. I was actually away from home to visit my family (who I only see a couple of times a year) when she met this guy and started to date him. How sweet of her! She waited to have this guy in reserve to then say "bye bye".

When we broke up about 5 weeks ago, I tried to convince her as hard as I could that I loved her with all my heart and that I wanted us to stay together. We had been together for almost six years. We had been through a lot of things together during that time, had faced a lot of difficulties together, built a life together. We had been through good times and also bad times.

However, she had cheated on me last year with a random guy she had met at a course she had taken to gain extra qualifications so that she could follow me and have a job if I had to move for professional reasons. A big sign of committment to me, but at the same time, a big betrayal. How could she do both? How could she go through the efforts of further training, etc... as a sign of committment to me but at the same time, use this opportunity to meet a random guy and cheat on me? She only pretended she had kissed that guy, but she had a big lovebite in her neck that she had had to conceal for days. My guess is that they had probably slept together, but she would not admit it. At the time, probably to find a way to excuse herself and get rid of the guilt, she had written a letter to me and all was my fault. She had drawn a kind of table about what was wrong. The section about me was huge, hers was very little!

 

A few weeks ago, when she did say she wanted to break up, all was my fault! I had made her unhappy and I was depressing and she was sick of me! BS! I did recognise I had had a bad year or so (which was not helped by her cheating) and committed myself to improve things 'cause I loved her so much. She had none of it. "It is too late", she kept on saying! Three weeks before the break up, she was saying she loved me and missed me so much (when I was away) in our bed, that she could not go to sleep and had to keep the light on, etc.... but within the same few days, she went out to meet a new guy! How cool! Then, when I came back home, it all started to be very cold and distant!

She wanted to break up because she wanted to live life by herself and find out a little bit about herself. She wanted to do her own things, etc.... Fair enough! I thought maybe it is time to go apart for a while and reconsider this whole thing and see if we could come out of it stronger. We had been through some rough patches in the previous couple of months (both our faults) and it was maybe time to think about it on our own (Since the break up we have been living under the same roof).

To that, she added that she wanted to remain good friends, she really liked me, she thought I was a nice and attractive guy, she wanted to keep in regular contact, etc.... At the same time, I started to have suspicions about her seeing another guy as she had cheated on me last year (exactly at the same time of year).

First she had mentioned that her friend had met a guy and that they were going to see him again.

She then also started to spend a lot of time on her mobile phone texting. She changed her PIN number and her email password. Before she did that, I had read an email she had send to a friend saying that she had met this guy who is 4 years younger than her (she is 27.5) and that he was ugly, but she fancied him! She was also meant to have a boyfriend (me) and that she was going through some life crisis! She then started to go out all the time, saying she was going to friends', etc....Always wearing make up, perfumed, showered, legs shaved, etc.... I thought: "Oh well, she is trying to fell good about herself". She also started to spend nights away and stuff. Very quickly, I started to have suspicions (I am not stupid) and asked her if she was seeing someone. She said no. I asked again. She said no again! OK, I thought, she is not usually a liar and maybe I am becoming a little bit paranoid with all these signs). I kinda gave up this idea. In the meantime, she kept on telling me how much she wanted us to be friends, that she liked me, etc... She also said a loving word to me twice, a word she only says to people she loves. We were well and truly separated, but I thought that she was really torn apart, but going through all that break up to proved something to herself or something. Then, recently, she also started to say that it was very hard for her to go through this, that she found it hard to keep it all together, that she was stressed, not sleeping well, etc....She even burst into tears a couple of times. I thought "Oh, she is having a rough time, she is thinking about us a lot, etc... this whole story is really stirring her!"

As mentionned earlier on, all this time we have been living under the same roof. We were also talking about selling the house, or her buying my half of it. Right from the start, she has shown a big interest in keeping the house. She had once blackmailed me that if I wanted to sell the house to a third party, she would not be friends with me anymore and that she would not talk to me anymore. I thought about it and finally realised that at the end of the day, if she wanted to keep the house, it made sense after all as I do not want to stay in it forever! So we had agreed on that and things were on their way (slowly) to get sorted out. However, she kind of let me know that she would have financial difficulties, etc...

All the nice exchanges continued, all the small talk, etc.... Some nasty crap coming from her as well from time to time, but overall, nice atmosphere, although a bit tense at times.

Recently, She even started to get all jealous on me and say things like "Where have you been last night, do you have a girlfriend?" or "Who are you texting, is it your girlfriend?" She insisted several times. I just kept my mouth shut, but just to let you know, no I don't see anybody right now. As you know Tormented, one has to heal first. I thought again, "good sign, she might be realising she is losing me, etc..."

 

Let's come to the conclusion now. All this time, as you know she had been seeing that other guy. How did I find out about it all? Well, one morning, she had let her phone on and I looked at it. Scores of text messages from this random guy....! Things seem quite advanced between them and they have been at it already many times probably. From all these messages, I also worked out that all the nights she had spent away had been with this guy (who is much younger than her) and not at her friends.

 

There is a triple betrayal:

1) She cheated on me again and had this guy in reserve before telling me we were breaking up. Very handy for her!

2) All this time, she lied to me and said she was not seeing anybody else. She kept me hoping there could be a possible future reconciliation (in maybe a few months) and kept being nice to me, saying nice things, offering to help, etc....

She gave me all that crap about being stressed, finding it hard to keep it all together, not sleeping well, etc..... No wonder she was not sleeping well! She was spending all her nights getting ......

3) I have now realised that her ultimate goal in doing all that nicey nicey crap was to keep me on the smooth side so that I would sell her my half of the house and not chnage my mind. Also, she probably was trying to get as cheap a deal as possible.

 

I AM SO ANGRY right now, and I do echo your feelings, Tormented and B.

The last couple of times I saw her in the house, I have just given her the biggest ever verbal abuse you can think of. I have been so nasty to her verbally, it is unbelievable. I know it does not solve anything, but I just felt like I needed to pour all my hate on her. I don't feel better for it, but I could not help it! I think that it might just be a natural reaction, at the end of the day. I am going to try to control myself from now on, and not giving in into this nonsense. If I continue to pour all my anger on her, it will also give her another excuse to say that I am an idiot, that I was not worth it, etc... Also, by talking to her like this, I am giving her too much attention, too much credit. Silence and ignorance is the worst thing you can treat people with! However, I am still raging inside and I can't get rid of this feeling. I had to cope with a break up a few weeks ago, and now, I have to cope with that anger and feeling of betrayal. I am so ANGRY!

 

Just to tell you guys, that you are not alone, and feeling angry and peed off is a natural thing. Do not let it burn you (I will try to follow my own advice here )

 

Keep your chin up and try to let go of the losers!

 

All the best

 

You can't bypass the anger. You have to let it out at her, or let it out in a gym/forum like this. Actions have consequences, and hers is the altering of your feelings to a state where you are going to turn nasty. Free yourself and always do what you feel. Don't try to feel what you don't. Buddha and Mother Teresa aren't calm and peaceful because they're good at repressing their feelings. They're like they are because that's what they're like in their free states. So don't try to conform to a model of angerlessness. I feel for you... being stuck with her in the same house! Terrible!

 

B

[Tormented]

Ahhhh...B, there you are! I'm having a hard time, my friend. A very hard time. I have absolutely no idea where this has come from, why all the emotions have raised their head to bite me in the ass now. I was doing so good, thought I had it all under control. I feel like a mountain climber who was nearing the crest and somehow lost my footing...sliding down towards the bottom. Well, at least I'm not at the bottom, but it's frustrated losing the ground I fought so hard to gain, ya know?

 

I understand what you're saying, that I should avoid talking to him at all cost. I know...I know. Damnit...I DO know, so why the tug-o'-war within? This is hell, B...pure hell. He's bad for me...bad, bad, bad. And I could never go back to him, because to do so means paying the heavy price of losing respect for myself. Nope, won't do it. Can't do it.

 

I think, more than anything else, I want to purge all the rage, pain and hatred I have inside onto him. Bloody Hell!!! Why not? Why should he get away scott free after what he did to me? Why the hell should I keep what he created within, just suffer silently while he goes about his daily life as though nothing has happened?

 

PRICK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

And then has the nerve to call me, never leaving a message or saying anything the few times I answered, as though he expects me to be jubilant to hear from his sorry ass!! Screw him!

 

I hope when she's done with him, he's left in a heap of human waste! He's got it coming, B....ooooh...he's got it coming. And my biggest fear? That I won't get to see it or know about it.

 

Oh, B...I sound so hateful, so bitter, and I feel evil for how I feel. To wish such horrible things on a fellow human being. So not like me. I don't like what this is doing to me...don't like what's happening to me.

 

My God...what's going on inside me? Why now?? It's been 5 weeks now, more than enough time for me to be further along in my healing process than this.

 

I can't kick it, B. God help me, I'm trying...but I can NOT reach the top.

 

I'm running, B...I AM running but I'm getting weak. I started out so well, and I'm about half-way there. But I've taken a helluva tumble and I'm having a hard time picking myself back up.

 

Sh*t...I feel like I'm back in the intensive care unit, and this board has once again become my life support. Especially so for you and Green. Where would I be without you guys?

 

Speaking of Green, wonder where she's been? She hasn't posted for a few days now. I hope everything is okay with her.

 

You, she and I have become like the 3 musketeers and I worry when I don't hear from you guys.

 

 

 

I really hope you pull through this lapse...

 

Me too, B...me too.

 

~T~

[Tormented]

Hello Amour...

 

Yes, B and I know exactly where you're coming from. Yep, we know the spot you're at quite well.

 

Funny, you regret your verbal outburst to her, and I regret not doing so to my ex. Had I done so, I don't know...I might be kicking myself in the butt about it today, but then, maybe not.

 

Right now, today...I wish I had. Instead, I kept it bottled up inside and now it seems to be growing in intensity. It's hurting me, not him! Hardly seems fair seeing as how *I* wasn't the lying, piece of human dung that cheated!

 

So, if I were you, I'd rethink your regret for your verbal lashing on her. Sometimes, you have to dismiss your concern for what they think, as B wisely pointed out, and be more concerned with what is best for you. At least you got it out...at least you got to hit the appropriate target. B and I never got the chance...instead, we took the "dignified" road and kept our composure. But do you see the rage in our post as a result? Thank God we have each other, and this board. It's been a life-saver for sure.

 

Honestly, I don't know how you live with her...having to see her everyday like that. Don't think I could do it. I see my ex drive past me almost on a daily basis, and believe me, just seeing him for those few seconds is enough to push me over the edge. I grit my teeth everytime I see his truck heading my way.

 

Like B said...don't hold your anger in. Let it out at every opportunity you get...provided it's not something radical or illegal! <grin>

 

Keep posting here...looks like B and I will be around for awhile, so we'll be here should you need us.

 

Hang tough, my friend. We'll make it through this.

 

~T~