My God...I hurt SO bad!!!

[B-3128]

But of course, you're supposed to dismiss those who talk like I do...

[Greensleaves]

But of course, you're supposed to dismiss those who talk like I do...

 

That's ok, I am not that spiritual yet and I guess it is more general spiritual (or maybe even esoteric, but researched by scientists) I talked about and not so much linked to any specific confession.

 

However, I do believe that in general there are less breakups in winter because people feel like staying in and with their partners whereas in summer they feel like reclaiming their freedom. I am sure there has been some research on it and I won't be too upse if it proves me wrong, but it better has to be a convincing piece of study

[kandi r]

Hey you doing the right thing by letting out all emotions on here and at your house. The bottom line is he loves this woman he is with. No matter what they may do he does not walk away from her. No matter what anyone does he chose her. Your doing the right thing by trying to move on. You deserve better and in time you will find MR right. Let him and his dramas go. He loves her no matter what she does. He only may call because they argue. But he still is by her side through it all. Don't turn back. Keep your head up and your day of happiness will come.

[Tormented]

Thanks, guys. I want you to know how much I appreciate your support...just being here.

 

I've been struggling hard this past week. But it's not all related to my ex, although the added BS doesn't help things!

 

Life right now sucks...guess we all go through a slump now and then. Found out last week that my mother's retina detached and will need surgery. She can't see out of her left eye at all, and because her husband died last December, she's alone and lives about 450 miles from me. I'm worried sick about her. My sister will fly in to be with her tomorrow and I'm trying to get time off from work to be with her during her surgery...but my supervisor is being a total jerk about it, saying that our patient load is too heavy for me to take time off. I've about had it with my job...getting sick of the "snaky" politics there and all the political BS. Problem is, it's hard to find a good job in a small community like this.

 

In the meantime, I'm doing everything in my power to avoid seeing my ex. I've stopped coming home for lunch to avoid driving past him. But sometimes...I miss him terribly. Especially when life isn't going so well.

 

And dating is really a drag...it truly is. So far, I've gone out with a logger/biker who started making ridiculous demands on my time...so things between us have come to a halt. I met the Lawyer I told you about last Thursday night and couldn't WAIT for our "date" to be over. He completely turned me off! His favorite subject? HIMSELF. He did nothing but talk about himself, HIS accomplishes, HIS opinions, HIS goals...and asked very little about me. I found him to be somewhat obnoxious and VERY boring!

 

Strike two!

 

And then....there's a co-worker who has made it clear that he'd like to get "friendly" with me. He hangs around my office...and I have a hard time getting my work done. He frequently touches my arm or back when he talks to me and doesn't seem to take the hint when I shrink away from him.

 

Now here's the kicker....he's got a girlfriend who he's moving in with next month! Jeesh....

 

I don't, guys. The thought of dating, of meeting new people, of starting over with somebody new just turns my stomach. It's as though I haven't the interest or strength for it.

 

And why is it that whenever I do go out on a date, or meet somebody new...it only makes me miss my ex more? This sucks...

 

And, of course...the hang-ups continue. Got a call Friday night at about 9pm and when I answered, the person just sat there silent. I said "hello" 3 times, but nobody on the other end spoke. So I hung up.

 

I don't know if it's him or not, but I honestly can't think of who else it could be. I don't know if he's playing head games, or if he's trying to work up the nerve to talk to me.

 

We hit the 2-month breakup point on the 25th of this month. And I still miss him...not as much or as often, but it's still there. And even now, with 2 months behind me, I STILL want closure...want to know why he did what he did.

 

Dumb? Yeah, probably.

 

But then, whoever said love was smart???

 

~T~

[theadventure50120]

 

And, of course...the hang-ups continue. Got a call Friday night at about 9pm and when I answered, the person just sat there silent. I said "hello" 3 times, but nobody on the other end spoke. So I hung up.

 

I don't know if it's him or not, but I honestly can't think of who else it could be. I don't know if he's playing head games, or if he's trying to work up the nerve to talk to me.

 

~T~

 

I got the samething , for me it happened 4 days in a row and someone signed into my msn twice one night before i changed the passwords , i have had a fake myspace profile adding me and asking certain questions and then deleting the profile soon after.

 

So yeah probably is him.

[Tormented]

I got the samething , for me it happened 4 days in a row and someone signed into my msn twice one night before i changed the passwords , i have had a fake myspace profile adding me and asking certain questions and then deleting the profile soon after.

 

So yeah probably is him.

 

Hey, Adventure....been following your thread and I want to tell you that I think you did yourself proud Friday night at the bar. Seems to me she doesn't like the taste of her own medicine, does she??? Guess she doesn't find it so amuzing when SHE'S ignored! Good on you! Let HER wonder about YOU for a while now!

 

Yeah, I think it probably is him. Don't know what he thinks will happen by doing this, or the purpose for it. I don't have call-waiting so I can't see from what number the call is being made from.

 

We've been broken up for 2 months now, and although it's been hard because I have so many questions that only he can answer, I have stayed strong with N/C.

 

He now lives with his ex before me, so I don't know why he continues to attempt contacting me...trying to stay in my line of sight, etc.

 

Sometimes...I just get so damn sick of the games.

 

Love sucks.

 

~T~

[Ruff Ryder]

First and foremost theaventura GREAT GOING MATE your the man well done.

 

Second thing is YES its the ex doing all that stupid stuff. Wierd but its him.

 

Tourmented- Whats up with you? You all good? Love sucks? Are you ok?

 

Peace all

[Tormented]

Second thing is YES its the ex doing all that stupid stuff. Wierd but its him.

 

Tourmented- Whats up with you? You all good? Love sucks? Are you ok

 

Well, I've seen better days, Ruff. Just going through a rough time is all...I'll pull out of it, I always do. Thank you for asking...what a sweetheart you are!

 

For some odd reason, I've been missing my ex more than usual this past week. Maybe because I've been out on a few bad dates lately? Maybe because there's other crap going on in my life right now? Maybe because he and I have NOT spoken for 2 months...he's tried to contact me but I completely ignored him. Maybe because I NEED to get the answers I need from him to completely move on? Maybe because I'm still in love with him? Maybe all of the above...hell, who knows. But the pain sucks and I'm tired of it.

 

Why, Ruff, would he continue to try to talk to me, to call here and sit in silence, to attempt remaining in my line of sight when he's got his ex girlfriend (the ex before me) living with him?

 

How in the hell does he expect me to talk to him after he moved her in? I don't know if he's trying to contact me for closure, or if he's realized he's made a horrible mistake and wants to see where I'm at in my feelings for him BEFORE he breaks it off with her.

 

It's all so screwed up.

 

*sigh*

 

~T~

[theadventure50120]

Hey, Adventure....been following your thread and I want to tell you that I think you did yourself proud Friday night at the bar. Seems to me she doesn't like the taste of her own medicine, does she??? Guess she doesn't find it so amuzing when SHE'S ignored! Good on you! Let HER wonder about YOU for a while now!

 

~T~

 

Thanks , i really wasn't ready for it , i had to react quick (really hard when drunk haha) and it seems i reacted well.

 

If she didn't care she wouldn't have sent that comment to me.

[Ruff Ryder]

I know what you are saying love,

 

Its hard and the answers to your questions are some thaey I dont have. If I could answer them i would. But I can tell you this yes he has screwed up... he let something walk out of his life that he will never find with someone else. you on the other had have something to offer someone else and therfore you will be happy again that Im convinced of.

 

He wants to contact you maybe casue he feels guilty or maybe he doesnt want you to move on. You will miss him hell, I tried to sleep now but cant the ex is on my mind too. But that said its better day by day and you will stop. When people share something unique and speciall you cant just forget and move on it takes time.

 

You see strong willied and very sensible (for a lady lol) but in the end emotions are hard to deal with and that makes life great but complicated..

 

You will be fine I prmis you people like you always end up happy at the end of the day. Time is all you need and you will be smiling again in no time...

 

Thats my 2 cents... xxx

 

Peace out all......

[theadventure50120]

You think people find it hard to move on because they spent time and built something with this person and they can't be bothered or doesn't want to start all over again with someone else from scratch?

[D-Lish]

Hey Tormented...

 

You're doing the right thing by ignoring him. How could he expect you to go back when he's moved another woman into his place? For me, that would be the final straw!

 

Just recognizing someone isn't right for you doesn't make it easier to move on...and it doesn't mean the pain will subside.

 

I have good days and bad days...days when I miss the companionship, then days when I'm happy to be alone rather than partake in a one sided relationship.

 

It sucks when they won't leave you alone and let you heal. It's quite unfair actually. It's funny how after I went into ignore mode that my ex reached out to me. I had been waiting for that for so long- the contact...and when it finally cam, I was really thrown off balance.

 

I mean, what do they want?

 

I'm at my wits end with the waiting and the games.

I just want to have this be over and done with! I also want to meet someone who is right for me.

 

You seem to be holding out really well.

It just takes time.

Take care,

D

[B-3128]

Hey T,

 

Sorry to hear you're finding it tough. You know, I think he probably just misses you. People aren't replaceable. We are capable of loving more than one person. And we are capable of missing someone we lost, even if we love another. He's probably finding it tough too and that's why he's behaving weirdly. I bet he doesn't know what he's doing and is confused. And you know, the sad thing is that you, with all your troubles, with all your pains, are probably in the better position. This guy has problems. Mind you, this is not to say that you should take pity on him and relieve him of some of that burden by talking to him. Respecting the decisions of others is imperative. That's why doctors don't operate on people and save their lives, even if the people are irrational and refuse the operation. So he made the decision to cheat, and that's essentially a choice to opt out of the tacit deal he had with you as his gf. You're on your own now so look after #1.

 

Things are tough for me at the moment. I am keeping so so busy, but it seems that no amount of distraction can keep her off my mind. Three months on and still! She broke NC last week and sent me a note. Wanted to meet up for a coffee and start again (presumably just as friends). I posted her one back thanking her for the invite but saying that I would rather not see her. I was very polite. "Always keep your dignity" I was taught. Anyway, that was weird. Her birthday is ever approaching. There's still a side of me that wants to go all out and get her something amazing. Then there's the side of me that thinks she's a vile specimen of humanity. If anything, that she's not human. I cycle around town cursing and swearing to myself so much. Going through the horrible things I want to say to her. I am cut T, and my wound is infected and not healing. I am full of poison. You know, when she was going out with me, she would go for coffee with her ex. He would tell her that he loved her and wanted her back etc. She wouldn't tell him she was with me because she knew he would walk out on her as a friend. I don't want to be cast as cafe company. What the hell. That's a sh** role to play. If I meet her, there will be drama. And I don't want to forgive her. I can't. I am still so so so so so angry. I will have nothing but verbal poison to offer. And then I will finish. And I will feel overwhelmed with self-disgust. Why the hell would I want to put myself through that? I think that sometimes I need to be hard on myself. Another three months? She's the last thing I think about before I fall asleep, and the first thing I think about when I wake up. It's terrible!

 

B

[Greensleaves]

Dear Tormented,

 

was away for a few days as I had to get out, which was good. Uh, gosh, sorry to hear about your mother. Hope your sister can help her until you manage to get some days off. It is a tough choice and I am sorry to hear that your supervisor won't let you go. That's even worse given that he should know about how important it is for sick people to have their relatives around. Of course it doesn't help that it is such a long distance. Hope you get that sorted somehow and your supervisor will give in...

 

I understand that despite what happened you miss your Ex. I guess that is somewhat normal when loving a person full heartedly. I hope you will get your answers one way or another: either by fulling making sense of it all or by him explaining them, latter probably is only desirable by mail and therefore might not happen, but you know what I mean.

 

Gosh it sucks, that all the dates you had weren't nice. I mean one doesn't expect to find a new love at first sight but still one can hope to have a to least a good time. I completely understand, my breakup is more than two months now and I don't feel like dating at all. Too much effort, too much pain.... Good you got rid of the egocentric lawyer. Hope the coworker won't be too bothersome, but you really wonder why he is moving in with his GF.

 

I do agree with B, your Ex most likely misses you which is why he does the hang up thing, of course it doesn't help at all; in fact he won't accomplish anything with it as he always hangs up...

 

Hope this week is going to be better for you.

 

Green

[Tormented]

If she didn't care she wouldn't have sent that comment to me.

 

Maybe. Maybe not. Could very well be that she said it through hurt...which indicate she cares. Or - it could be nothing more than a sick game she's playing.

 

Who ever knows what motivates people...what their TRUE agenda is.

 

You know, Adventure, sometimes we tend to read "meaning" into everything our exes say and do because we're desperate for answers. I know I'm guilty of it...I've no doubt many of us here on this board are.

 

Many times, we misinterpret our exes words and actions as a signal that they care...and sometimes they DO care, but far too often they don't. But, when your heart is bleeding, when you hurt down to your soul, when you just can NOT accept that they don't care, our misinterpretations serve to help cushion the pain of rejection. And that's okay, just as long as we eventually realize that they do NOT care and it's time to move on. If they DO care, I'm sure they'll let us know.

 

So, the BEST thing you can do right now?

 

You MUST maintain N/C...no matter how hard it is. It truly is your best shot at winning her back. But more importantly...it is the best way to regain your damaged self-esteem and dignity. No amount of begging and groveling will win her back, in fact, it will only serve to push her away in disgust. NO woman (or man) is worth that heavy of price. If she never comes back...at least you walk away with your dignity and self-pride in tact. And in time, you WILL heal and ready to love again. And you will have a new confidence in yourself for the strength you showed.

 

And IF she does come back - something you MUST let her do on her own - she will do so with a new respect for you because you DIDN'T cave in....in fact, proved to her that you can get along just fine without her.

 

Point is, if you love and value YOURSELF, then she will. Don't "ask" for respect, DEMAND it.

 

Do this, and you walk away a winner either way.

 

Chin up, my friend.

 

~T~

[Tormented]

He wants to contact you maybe casue he feels guilty or maybe he doesnt want you to move on. You will miss him hell, I tried to sleep now but cant the ex is on my mind too. But that said its better day by day and you will stop. When people share something unique and speciall you cant just forget and move on it takes time.QUOTE]

 

Ruff...thank you!

 

Well, I got some of my answers today, not from him, but from the husband of my ex's girlfriend.

 

Apparently, my ex never invited her to move in. When the husband found out she was over at my ex's house (something she did when she use to live with my ex...cheated on him with her now husband, and is now cheating on husband with my ex...yeah, I know...VERY twisted story), the husband packed her crap up and dumped it on my ex's doorstep. This is a VERY needy-type woman. She's been diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder AND Attention Deficiet Disorder, and last time I knew, was on psychotropic medications. She's unable to hold down a job for very long and depends on men to take care of her. And because she has no impulse control, she frequently cheats on her mates.

 

All this time I thought it was HIS idea to move her in. Now I find out he's bascially stuck with her. And now I understand why he tried to call me, to contact me. Doesn't matter, though. He STILL screwed around with her...and I think he did it to hurt me because I broke up with him...but seems to me he got caught up in his own web. And now he doesn't know what the hell to do!

 

I was also informed that he doesn't come home until late. Strange...when we were together he always came home early. In fact, he didn't like me doing ANYTHING without him...some of the reason I walked out on him. Too possessive, too controlling, too accusatory. Finally, I couldn't take it and walked out.

 

My ex can be a very stubborn man. And he can be extremely vindictive. He sets out to "punish" those who have hurt him, or those he feels have "wronged" him. I remember the many times he took pleasure in telling me how he "evened the score" with those that pissed him off.

 

His ex, the one who now lives with him, has always been a sore topic in our relationship. I always felt he was still in love with her...something he repeatedly denied. He said he could NEVER trust her again, would NEVER take her back, and basically called her everything BUT human. Still, though...I was never fully convinced of this.

 

I think, though, that he probably was still in love with her when we met and as time went on, he fell in love with me. We have a lot of memories together, a lot of laughter, playing, inside jokes, heart to hearts, and even tears. We met each other at a time when we both just came out of bizarre relationships, and in that sense, we helped each other through. I think we started out as rebounds for each other...and then somewhere down the line, we quit being rebounds and ended up loving each other.

 

We use to dance in front of the fireplace to old rock songs, and laugh like 2 kids as we stepped on each other's foot. I had a CD of Herman's Hermits....now how's THAT for OLD rock songs!!...and he loved their music. Nothing like groovn' to OLD classic rock! lol... But that CD became a special thing to us. In fact, during the last conversation I had with him, he said..."I will NEVER be able to listen to Herman's Hermits again...ever. It would kill me."

 

That's what I'm talking about when I say we have "history" together.

 

And now, the man who was my lover, who was my best friend, who I danced with, laughed with, played with...cried with, is a stranger in a logging truck who zips by me on the street and we don't even speak. We have become strangers...alien to each other.

 

And it hurts.

 

I think we both hurt.

 

But it's too late. Too much damage done.

 

What we were can never be again.

 

God...I'm starting to cry.

 

~T~

[Tormented]

Hey Tormented...

 

You're doing the right thing by ignoring him. How could he expect you to go back when he's moved another woman into his place? For me, that would be the final straw!

 

Did it for me as well. And he knows it. And I think he's in a place that he doesn't know what to do. He's now caught in a situation he doesn't want to be in, and from what I've heard today, he's NOT a happy boy these days. But hey...to every action there's a consequence. And apparently he's paying the piper now. Problem is...HIS actions hurt ME as well. Just sucks, ya know?

 

Just recognizing someone isn't right for you doesn't make it easier to move on...and it doesn't mean the pain will subside.

 

No, it does NOT make it easier...not at all. I get so tired of the war between my brain and my heart. And somewhere in the middle, I'm being pulled back and forth like a rag doll. One day, I'm feeling strong. Standing firmly by my conviction that I'm much better off without him, that life will improve for me and I'll feel better in the long run. On other days, I'm a crying mess! I think about him, I miss him, I FIGHT to keep from contacting him. And when I say fight, I mean minute to minute...all day long. I go to bed with thoughts of him. I awake with thoughts of him. And there are days I feel as though I'm going to die of a heartbreak. The pain is absolutely unbearable. I want SO badly to hear what he has to say...how he REALLY feels about our breakup. If he thinks about me as much as I do him. If he misses me as much as I do him. Did I mean as much to him as he did (does) to me? And I want to know WHY he did what he did, and if he now regrets it. But, of course, none of it matters now, does it? What's done is done. Too much damage has been done. We could never recapture what we once had. And what we once had WAS beautiful. "Was" being the key word here.

 

 

I have good days and bad days...days when I miss the companionship, then days when I'm happy to be alone rather than partake in a one sided relationship.

 

Yep, I hear ya. I chose being alone rather than dealing with somebody I feel I can no longer trust. But God...how I miss him sometimes, D.

 

It sucks when they won't leave you alone and let you heal. It's quite unfair actually. It's funny how after I went into ignore mode that my ex reached out to me. I had been waiting for that for so long- the contact...and when it finally cam, I was really thrown off balance.

 

You know, my ex has tried to contact me in several different ways. He tried calling my cell phone, but never left a message. And, of course, I never called him back. He has called me several times and just sat there when I answered. I think he very much wants to talk to me but loses his courage when he hears my voice. I think he knows he screwed up majorly, but doesn't know what to say for himself. And I think he fears my reaction if he DID speak up. In other words, he fears rejection. I'm at a point now where I can talk to him, but I honestly don't know how I'll react or feel if we did make actual contact. I've thought about how I THINK I'd feel or act if we come face to face, but who knows? I just may freak out, or become very angry and hostile. I mean, this guy has caused me MAJOR pain and turmoil. How can I NOT be angry with him? I think I've been avoiding contact with him for fear of what *I'LL* do if we meet up more than what he'll do. And, of course, I fear that seeing him again will only bring me more pain.

 

I mean, what do they want?

 

You know, D, I don't think they know what they want. I think they're just as confused and screwed up as we are. And I think they hurt as well which is why they do these random, out-of-the-blue things. They have weak moments, just as we do. They have constant thoughts of us, just as we do them. And it chips at them until they act on it. And in doing so, it leaves us scratching our heads saying..."What the hell does he want???" They want us, but they fear us....and back and forth they go with these emotions....just as we do. Why do men have to be so damn problematic???

 

I'm at my wits end with the waiting and the games.

I just want to have this be over and done with! I also want to meet someone who is right for me.

 

Here, here!! I second that one, sista! The other day while I was driving, an old song by Pat Benatar (sp?) called..."Love is a Battlefield" came on. I've heard the song several times before, but I never really HEARD it like I did this day. The words rang SO true. In one of the verses, she asks..."Why do we hurt each other so bad?" That's what she's talking about...the "games" a man and a woman play in the name of "love." I'm with you...I'm tired of it and I want it over with! I want the pain to stop. I want to smile and REALLY mean it again. I want to go to bed with something else beside HIM on my mind. I want to wake up with a pleasant thought, instead of my lost love. I want to ACTUALLY feel happy instead of "pretending" to be. I want to love again. And I want to be loved back.

 

You seem to be holding out really well.

 

Thank you, D....but I'm not doing so "well" tonight. I know I will eventually...someday, but NOT tonight. Probably not this week, or the week after. But eventually...I will. And so will you.

 

Thank you, D, for responding. I very much appreciate it.

 

~T~

[Tormented]

Hey T,

 

Sorry to hear you're finding it tough. You know, I think he probably just misses you. People aren't replaceable. We are capable of loving more than one person. And we are capable of missing someone we lost, even if we love another. He's probably finding it tough too and that's why he's behaving weirdly. I bet he doesn't know what he's doing and is confused. And you know, the sad thing is that you, with all your troubles, with all your pains, are probably in the better position. This guy has problems.

 

Well, B...I talked to the Borderline's husband today. Found out many things. To begin with, it wasn't my ex's idea to move her in. It was something that was basically thrusted on his shoulders. But you know, he deserves it! When the husband found out that she was over there screwing my ex (as she did with husband when she was living with my ex before I entered the picture), he took it upon himself to pack up her crap and dump it on my ex's door. He told me he is relieved to be rid of her. In fact, he's got a new girlfriend and is actually happy....and I'm happy for him. So, my ex is now stuck with a needy, cheating Borderline who he doesn't trust.

 

I also found out he doesn't come home till late at night. I can tell you that when he and I were together, he came home early everyday. So, he's NOT a happy camper these days. But, oh well! This is a choice HE made and now he's got to live with it. Life can be a b*tch sometimes, eh?

 

But I now have some insight as to why he's been calling here, why he's been trying to make contact. But what the hell does he EXPECT from me? He hurt me deeper than I have EVER hurt before. Right down to my core...do you know what I mean? God...I can't get him out of my mind, B. I can't! I've tried....I've tried EVERYTHING I can think of, and what others have suggested, but to no prevail. Why, oh WHY can't I just STOP feeling for him? I want it to stop, B. I want peace back!

 

Mind you, this is not to say that you should take pity on him and relieve him of some of that burden by talking to him. Respecting the decisions of others is imperative. That's why doctors don't operate on people and save their lives, even if the people are irrational and refuse the operation. So he made the decision to cheat, and that's essentially a choice to opt out of the tacit deal he had with you as his gf. You're on your own now so look after #1.

 

Exactly...and that's something I tell myself over and over again. That HE made the choice to cheat, even if it was to hurt me, he STILL did it. He went to far, and now it's too late. And I think he knows it, and he struggles with it. But then, I don't know that for sure, and THAT'S what gets to me...the not knowing for sure. Does he think about me as much as I do him? Does he regret what he did? Does he miss me? Does he still love me? And when he does try to contact me, but looses his courage, what, exactly, does he want to say?? Oh...thoughts like this go on in my head constantly and there are days I think I'm gonna lose my mind. I'm hurting so bad, B...so bad.

 

Things are tough for me at the moment. I am keeping so so busy, but it seems that no amount of distraction can keep her off my mind. Three months on and still! She broke NC last week and sent me a note. Wanted to meet up for a coffee and start again (presumably just as friends). I posted her one back thanking her for the invite but saying that I would rather not see her. I was very polite. "Always keep your dignity" I was taught.

 

As was I. And you know what? It's a good thing to hold close...keeping your dignity. Because years from now, when they are but a memory, we will STILL have to live with ourselves. If we sell our dignity down the river, will we come out of this with our pride intact? No. So, the best we can hope for is to walk away with our heads held high, and self-satisfaction that we remained TRUE to ourselves. I can't blame you for declining the "coffee" invite. Who in the hell wants to be "coffee mate" with the one you love? That's BS! It's like they want to toss us a few crumbs just to see if we're grateful for their "generosity." Screw that!!!

 

Anyway, that was weird. Her birthday is ever approaching. There's still a side of me that wants to go all out and get her something amazing. Then there's the side of me that thinks she's a vile specimen of humanity. If anything, that she's not human. I cycle around town cursing and swearing to myself so much. Going through the horrible things I want to say to her. I am cut T, and my wound is infected and not healing. I am full of poison.

 

Oh, B...you have no idea how close to home that is for me. The back and forth between "fond" thoughts to vile ones. Back and forth...back and forth....

 

One day I am engulfed with pure hatred for him. The next I long for his arms around me. God, this is hell. I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy. Some days I feel I'm making progress towards moving on. Then, for no particular reason, I find myself missing him...breaking down in tears. Naw, it surpasses tears. More like sobbing...and oh, how tired I am of using makeup and eye drops to conceal my puffy and red eyes.

 

And I completely understand what you're saying about that cut, B. Mine is infected as well, and although it APPEARED to be healing, somehow, someway...the scab fell off and it started bleeding again. I'm just so damn frustrated, B. I miss him SO much, yet...I will NOT contact him. I'm more stubborn than I am anything else. And although stubborness has gotten me in trouble at times, it has been my source of strength throughout this hell. But the pain I feel keeps chipping at my resolve....slowly but surely. I feel like I'm standing on two wobbly legs, although I fight to keep my balance.

 

You know, B, I thought TIME was suppose to heal, was suppose to make it easier. But that's not the case here. If anything, time is weakening me and I'm desperate to find a way to remain strong. I come here to you guys because I can NOT talk about this to my friends, family, or co-workers. I have to put up a "strong" front for them. I have to pretend that I'm A-Okay with the breakup and with life in general. If I were to say how I really feel, the extreme pain I'm still in, how I miss him and still love him...they'd think me as a weak fool. I'd lose respect from them. So, day after day...I have to "act" like I don't care about him, that I'm over it, that I'm just ducky....doncha know! But I'm living a lie. It's a sham. I'm dying inside and nobody even notices. So I come here because it's safe for me to take off my "amazon" woman mask and show the REAL face behind it...the sad, devestated one. And I can do so without the fear of being judged. I am amongst friends here, who understand how I feel. And B, you and Green have been there for me since the beginning...when I was in need of intensive care....when I was in complete ruins. And I love you both for it.

 

If I meet her, there will be drama. And I don't want to forgive her. I can't. I am still so so so so so angry. I will have nothing but verbal poison to offer. And then I will finish. And I will feel overwhelmed with self-disgust. Why the hell would I want to put myself through that? I think that sometimes I need to be hard on myself. Another three months? She's the last thing I think about before I fall asleep, and the first thing I think about when I wake up. It's terrible!

 

That's EXACTLY what I fear, B. I fear what *I* will do if we were to meet up face to face....not what he'll do. I fear that I will verbally annihilate him, or worse...and then regret it later. I'm just so engulfed with mixed emotions, STRONG emotions, that I honestly don't trust how I'll react. And, OHHHH...how I understand what you mean about going to sleep with her on your mind, and waking up to find her still there. Night after night after night I go through this. I am now taking Benadryl to knock myself out because I could no longer sleep and it was effecting me in every aspect of my life. I was snapping at people, couldn't concentrate at work, didn't want to answer the phone, was losing interest in things I once had a passion for. I didn't like who I was becoming and I knew the severe lack of sleep was a big part of it. With the aid of Benadryl, I can now sleep. But I look forward to the day I can sleep on my own again...and to wake up WITHOUT him in my brain.

 

You're right...this IS terrible!

 

Will it ever end, B? Will it?

 

~T~

[Tormented]

Dear Tormented,

 

was away for a few days as I had to get out, which was good. Uh, gosh, sorry to hear about your mother. Hope your sister can help her until you manage to get some days off. It is a tough choice and I am sorry to hear that your supervisor won't let you go. That's even worse given that he should know about how important it is for sick people to have their relatives around. Of course it doesn't help that it is such a long distance. Hope you get that sorted somehow and your supervisor will give in...

 

I'm glad to hear you got away for a few days. I hope it did some good and you're feeling better. Sure wish I could get away for awhile...would do me some good!

 

My sister contacted my mother's doctor, and until he can sort out a date for surgery with the surgeon, we won't know. I hope it's soon as my mother is in a panic that she can't see out of that one eye. I spent some time with her on the phone this evening and she was in tears. She fears she will lose her independence with this handicap and doesn't want to become a "burden" to her family. I assured her that if it came to that, none of us (my sisters and I), would deem her a "burden." I told her we love her too much to EVER think of her in such a way. I told her this in hope that it would cheer her, but it made her cry even more.

 

*sigh....*

 

I understand that despite what happened you miss your Ex. I guess that is somewhat normal when loving a person full heartedly. I hope you will get your answers one way or another: either by fulling making sense of it all or by him explaining them, latter probably is only desirable by mail and therefore might not happen, but you know what I mean.

 

As I stated to Ruff and B, found out many things from the husband of my ex's girlfriend. Guess my ex never asked her to move in. Instead, it was forced on him when the husband found out and decided to dump her junk on my ex's doorstep. If you ask me, this is a fine example of poetic justice, wouldn't you say? Apparently, he is one miserable man these days. But you know, what goes around comes around...and it's come to rest on HIS head.

 

But yeah...this has been HELL for me, Green. I don't know what the hell is the matter with me, or what brought this new bout of missing him on, but it hurts like hell and I'm really struggling with it. It's been 2 months now, you would think I'd be WELL on my way to recovery by now. But no...instead, I'm a crying mess. I was doing so good, Green. I THOUGHT I was getting stronger, was healing nicely. And then, this relapse. I don't understand it, I truly don't. I thought time was suppose to help ease the pain, heal the wound. Instead, it has dealth me a harsh blow and I'm in a lot of pain. I'll get past it....eventually...but right now, I feel like my heart will NEVER heal. God...when does it STOP???

 

Gosh it sucks, that all the dates you had weren't nice. I mean one doesn't expect to find a new love at first sight but still one can hope to have a to least a good time. I completely understand, my breakup is more than two months now and I don't feel like dating at all. Too much effort, too much pain.... Good you got rid of the egocentric lawyer. Hope the coworker won't be too bothersome, but you really wonder why he is moving in with his GF.

 

Yeah, having sucky dates doesn't help at all. I don't know, maybe they weren't so bad as it is I'm missing my ex. Maybe I'm just not ready to date and I'm trying to force it because I THINK it's the healthy thing to do. If that's the case, ANY date or man I meet right now will be a failure because I'm just not ready for it. Think I'll refrain from dating for a bit until I heal a little more.

 

I do agree with B, your Ex most likely misses you which is why he does the hang up thing, of course it doesn't help at all; in fact he won't accomplish anything with it as he always hangs up...

 

Oh, I suppose he does. I can't know for sure...and THAT'S the thing that bothers me the most. Not knowing. I have no idea where his head is at, what he's thinking, IF he thinks of me and if he does, are they good thoughts? I guess I'll never know. But it's SO hard, ya know?

 

Hope this week is going to be better for you.

 

Yeah, me too. I pray that I get through this...that the pain starts to lessen some. Because, quite frankly, I don't know how much more of this I can take.

 

I hope things are better for you, Green.

 

Did getting away help you?

 

~T~

[Ruff Ryder]

Well Im in my office for the last time in history for me. Its been a great run and I've loved it. Today is the last working day for me in this country. I get to leave all my memories and experinces here and go to a new place and make new ones with new people.

 

Tourmented you are doing well, you will be fine. You will find someone else to dance with cry with and love. The best part is he wil love you the same way and that is what you want.

 

Im sure of that much.

 

Peace out.

[B-3128]

Yes indeed T. Three months on, nobody wants an earful about how hard the breakup is! More still, you don't want to give it either! This place is such a lifesaver. Today, I have managed to relax some of my tensions. It took an 11 hour session of really trying hard to relax in bed, but I woke up more placid. I really just want to let go of all that aggression. And there's no reason why I can't. One thing I realise is that all of it is between me and myself. It has nothing to do with her. If I had fuller self control, I would have forgiven her by now and wouldn't be so angry all the time. I need to look within. And you know, I might just get there... without SSRIs... lol Will post more later. Lectures now! B

[Greensleaves]

Tormented, hu, lots of news this week; well the only good that can come out of waiting for the surgery appointment: maybe by then you know whether you can get off a few days and see you mum after surgery...

But for sure it doesn't help having to worry about these things now too. Good that your sister is sharing it with you.

 

 

 

As I stated to Ruff and B, found out many things from the husband of my ex's girlfriend. Guess my ex never asked her to move in. Instead, it was forced on him when the husband found out and decided to dump her junk on my ex's doorstep. If you ask me, this is a fine example of poetic justice, wouldn't you say? Apparently, he is one miserable man these days. But you know, what goes around comes around...and it's come to rest on HIS head.

 

You know what? I think there are a few good things in what you found out from the Ex husband: first; your Ex most likely didn't intend any of it; actually by the sounds of it he didn't want her to move in and who knows if he really wanted her visiting his house that badly and didn't just get sucked in by her action and when the Ex husband dumped all her stuff, he didn't know how to get out of it. He might not even have or at least intended cheating with her and just got sucked in, too. Don't get me wrong, I am not trying to find excuses for him but you know it sounds as if the whole event gained its own momentum and he didn't know how to stop it, not then, not now. So, it is super likely that he actually really misses you and wished the whole thing had not happened. You wrote that you didn't believe him that he was completely done with her even though your rebound turned into real love. Maybe he wasn't completely, but that doesn't mean that he really wanted her back. (In fact it is very hard to believe that anyone wants her back: not even her Ex husband) Why he let her in, we can only guess, but for sure it all sounds much better than before. So we wouldn't know how much, but we know for sure now that he does miss you and his hangups are attempts to get in contact and yes, he knows he screwed up and just has no idea how to communicate it because he fears being rejected.

Second you were always so angry, but maybe you can bury some of the anger now realizing that your Ex despite causing you lots of pain and screwing everything up might not be that mean and did defnitely not intend it all to happen that way it happened. That's at least something.

Maybe you will be able to talk to him eventually (if he continues his strange attempts that is) and maybe you will get full clarification on his actions)

But yeah...this has been HELL for me, Green. I don't know what the hell is the matter with me, or what brought this new bout of missing him on, but it hurts like hell and I'm really struggling with it. It's been 2 months now, you would think I'd be WELL on my way to recovery by now. But no...instead, I'm a crying mess. I was doing so good, Green. I THOUGHT I was getting stronger, was healing nicely. And then, this relapse. I don't understand it, I truly don't. I thought time was suppose to help ease the pain, heal the wound. Instead, it has dealth me a harsh blow and I'm in a lot of pain. I'll get past it....eventually...but right now, I feel like my heart will NEVER heal. God...when does it STOP??

 

When I had my breakup a friend of my Ex who liked me and whose marriage was failing told me: "You think it is bad now, but I tell you it will get worse 2,3 months down the line." And I have to agree. I don't know how he is doing now (it should be around six months with him) but for sure I feel worse now then in the beginning. So maybe that is kinda normal?

 

 

Yeah, having sucky dates doesn't help at all. I don't know, maybe they weren't so bad as it is I'm missing my ex. Maybe I'm just not ready to date and I'm trying to force it because I THINK it's the healthy thing to do. If that's the case, ANY date or man I meet right now will be a failure because I'm just not ready for it. Think I'll refrain from dating for a bit until I heal a little more.

 

Hmm. That might be it, though it sounds as if the lawyer would have been a pain under any circumstances

 

 

Did getting away help you?

 

Hmm. A little, but not too much. I do know exactly what I want and visiting my friends has just confirmed that, but I have no clue how to get there; not even half way. Nothing new on the job front either. And I must say, I feel like running away, far away. That feeling gets stronger every day. Unfortunately I don't know where to run to. Preferably to my last home despite the fact that it holds memories of my Ex, but I'd need a work permit to stay there

 

Green

[Greensleaves]

That's EXACTLY what I fear, B. I fear what *I* will do if we were to meet up face to face....not what he'll do. I fear that I will verbally annihilate him, or worse...and then regret it later. I'm just so engulfed with mixed emotions, STRONG emotions, that I honestly don't trust how I'll react. And, OHHHH...how I understand what you mean about going to sleep with her on your mind, and waking up to find her still there. Night after night after night I go through this. I am now taking Benadryl to knock myself out because I could no longer sleep and it was effecting me in every aspect of my life. You're right...this IS terrible!

 

Will it ever end, B? Will it?

 

~T~

 

I couldn't sleep in the beginning and had to take heavy dosis of sleeping pills. By now I can but I sleep too much, way too much, and don't want to get up in the morning and given that I don't have a job end up getting up really late and really have to force myself to do it. Of course I also fall asleep with thoughts of him and then I dream nice things-strangely enough I do that frequently by now- and I am always ever so dissappointed to wake up and realize that the mess is still the same.

 

I have been contemplating on the pride question, Tormented. I do agree, in the end you have to live with your actions and up to your principles and throwing them down the drain might cause severe problems later as you have to love yourself. However, I think I would swallow my pride for my happiness. What I mean? Once when my previous boyfriend and I were on a break I did swallow my pride and contacted him and fought for him (he was with another girl) because I knew there was a good chance and that I would be so much happier if he stayed in my life. I never regretted it. We got back together and stayed together for another five years until we broke up for good.

A good friend of mine once told me that his mum threw his dad out for good when she found out he was cheating. However, he thinks she could be happier in life if she had at least contemplated on forgiving her husband and trying to save the marriage, but she sticked to her principles and was miserable for years (the kids too, of course).

Don't get me wrong, I am not telling anybody to throw principles overboard, in fact everybody needs to have them, but I guess sometimes evaluating them can't hurt, especially in relationships. I try to be as good as I can, but for sure am far from perfect and same applies to most other people. However, if the trust is gone and one is certain that nothing can repair it, of course then there is nothing to hold out for.

 

 

Green

[Greensleaves]

I like Herman's Hermit. Good choice.

 

I am trying not to listen to music the past months on purpose because the songs will be so tinted.... Having said that there are of course some songs that make me cry straight away.

Won't mention them right now because I have to drive home in a sec and it would make me look suspicious

 

Gosh, life can really be a lemon, as we all know. <sigh>

 

Green

[Tormented]

I've started a thread on this because I'm climbing the wall with worry right now!

 

There was a horrible accident yesterday involving a logging truck and word has it that the truck was blue, same color as my ex's truck, and belongs to the company he drives for. Oh God, you guys! What if it's him???

 

Word has it the driver had a heart attack....my ex has had 2 already...then it was suggested the driver fell asleep at the wheel, and another theory is that the driver had been drinking, and as you know, he drinks! I don't think he'd drink while he was working, but you never know. He called here again Thursday night shortly after I got home from work, and as always, just sat there silently when I answered.

 

Also got word from the Borderline's Husband that she's been calling the husband so much, asking the husband to go back with her - which he is refusing to do - that he finally had to change his phone number. Also, according to the husband, she follows him around town and leaves notes on his truck. So, she's up to her old tricks again. I don't know if my ex knows about this, or if he even cares, or if he and she is even together anymore...I don't know. Haven't talked to him, so I'm in the dark as to what's going on in his life. Who knows what hell he's going through? All I know is he continues to try to contact me but seems to loose his nerve when I answer.

 

His life is a mess right now so it seems, and I fear that the driver yesterday WAS him. I don't know...can just feel it in my gut. I don't know if anybody would contact me if it was him because the breakup was over 2 months ago now and things were bad when we broke up.

 

I honest to God don't know what to do, guys. If it wasn't him and I call his sister or friend, he'll take this as a green light to start contacting me which I don't want...I've worked too hard to get where I am in my healing and I still have a long way to go.

 

But - if it WAS him, I NEED to know!! God, I don't know what to do!!

 

~T~