Guest Posted August 26, 2006 Share Posted August 26, 2006 I am married with four small children. I am certainly no Pam Anderson, but I do get a lot of comments wherever I go that I look good and do not look like I've had kids. This bothers my husband. On one hand he feels pride, on the other he feels insecure. Everytime I leave the house, he suggests that I am meeting another man ( and yes he has accused me of meeting women too ) and looking to replace him. It's to the point where his voice has become like nails on a chalkboard! I have never been unfaithful to my husband. I don't want to be. I'm not looking to hurt him or destroy my family. I respect my marriage vows. I am insulted by his constant accusations and badgering. I have become a prisoner in my own home because I don't want to deal with the backlash if I go out. Now I have a bigger problem. I am becoming so disillusioned with my husband that I am starting to notice other men and have inappropriate thoughts!!! I have tried to talk with him, but he doesn't hear me. Any suggestions? Link to post Share on other sites
JadeStar Posted August 26, 2006 Share Posted August 26, 2006 First question, have you noticed any other changes in your husband besides these accusations he is making? It can mean he is insecure and thats al it is. However insecurity alone can destroy a marraige if not delt with. The only other thing I know to tell you, other than the fact he might be insecure, is SOMETIMES the one doing the accussing is the one doing. I'm not saying thats the case at all, but saying its possible. Do you see anything else going on with him right now? Jade Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted August 26, 2006 Share Posted August 26, 2006 He has put on a noticeable amount of weight. I do not comment because it is really of no consequence to me. I didn't fall in love with his belly!!! I tell him that, but he blows me off. I work out a lot and he hates it. He'll say he is proud of how hard I try to keep myself up then he'll sigh as I go to get on my treadmill. I know this may sound naive, but I don't see how he would have time to cheat on me. It would seem that he is either at work or at home with the family. However, I do find myself getting suspicious of the "wrong numbers" that ring his cell phone. I don't pursue it because I'm not jealous and I don't really suspect anything. ( I hope it's not that I don't care - that would be a red flag for me! ) Knowing him as I think I do, I don't think he would have an affair. I just wish he would get his head out of his ass and stop pushing me away! Link to post Share on other sites
JadeStar Posted August 28, 2006 Share Posted August 28, 2006 Well maybe since he is the one that has put on some weight that makes him feel even more insecure about himself. Maybe he feels since you take care of yourself that someone else might come along and take notice. However, thats not your problem. If he wants to better himself or feel good about how he looks then he needs to do something about it and not let accussations fly. You asked you didn't know when he would have time to cheat? I'm not saying he is, but its possible. If someone is going to cheat, they will find a way and make the time. If he is getting calls on his cell, that you don't know who they are, is HE the one telling you they are wrong numbers? How long has that been going on? Thats possible too, but don't turn a blind eye either. If they continue and you see a pattern I would check it out. Even if it were to put your mind as ease. JMO. Jade Link to post Share on other sites
ritamae Posted August 28, 2006 Share Posted August 28, 2006 What if you did it back to him? When he gets a wrong# call accuse him of cheating on you - perhaps he just needs a taste of his own medicine. Or maybe he is hurt that you are not reacting to the wrong#s. Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted August 31, 2006 Share Posted August 31, 2006 Here's the latest. I was invited to go to "ladies night" with some girlfriends. It was$.25 drink night - woohoo!! I discussed it with my husband and he said I should go because I am trapped in this house with the kids 24/7. I was hesitant because I knew what could happen with his Jekyll & Hyde personality later. But I went. As I was leaving he was already commenting that I should "save some" for him. HOW INSULTING!!!! When I got home he grilled me and yelled at me. He said he did not trust me. Good Grief!!!! I asked him about the "wrong numbers" ringing his cell and all he said was that I should call them if I want to. Link to post Share on other sites
JadeStar Posted August 31, 2006 Share Posted August 31, 2006 Here's the latest. I was invited to go to "ladies night" with some girlfriends. It was$.25 drink night - woohoo!! I discussed it with my husband and he said I should go because I am trapped in this house with the kids 24/7. I was hesitant because I knew what could happen with his Jekyll & Hyde personality later. But I went. As I was leaving he was already commenting that I should "save some" for him. HOW INSULTING!!!! When I got home he grilled me and yelled at me. He said he did not trust me. Good Grief!!!! I asked him about the "wrong numbers" ringing his cell and all he said was that I should call them if I want to. I really don't know if he is the one cheating or not, but his accusations are very odd. I would say bring up marriage counseling to him. Be very nice when you explain how you feel about things. Make it clear to him that you don't appreciate the comments he is making and it comes across as him being insecure. He either wants to work on himself/marriage or he doesn't. Jade Link to post Share on other sites
littlepiggy1 Posted August 31, 2006 Share Posted August 31, 2006 It does sound like he's got major insecurity issues. You need to talk to him and try to get him to recognize this. He could end up becoming quite defensive about it. Counseling would probably be a good idea. Ultimately, he has to decide whether he wants to work on the core issues or simply keep berating you for things that are not your issue! Some insecure people can be so insecure that they simply won't recognize the problems within themselves. Hopefully your husband is not one of those people. And I don't blame you for becoming disillusioned with him. Insecurity (and subsequent accusations because of it) is not an attractive trait in someone. Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted August 31, 2006 Share Posted August 31, 2006 dont cheat you will feel sooooooooooooooooooo guillty trust me im only 18yrs old and i slept with a 35yr old married man with 2kids and i regret evry single second!!!!!!!!! Link to post Share on other sites
Sal Paradise Posted September 1, 2006 Share Posted September 1, 2006 Your husband has jealousy issues (thats stating the obvious) but no one is driven to cheat. If you cheat on him its because you wanted to sleep with someone else. Don't use his bad behavior as an excuse to commit your own bad behavior. Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted September 1, 2006 Share Posted September 1, 2006 I'm not planning on cheating. I'm just trying to figure out if this is his way of passive-aggressively trying to get out of our marriage. He claims to love me and can't live without me, but then he treats me like a slut who is out trolling for a replacement. I've never been one to believe in counseling. Honestly, I was one by trade and I saw how people just try to manipulate the situation. What it comes down to is if a person wants to be there, they'll take ownership of their actions and try to improve. If they don't want to be there, they'll find a plethora of ways to check out. I realize that I attract a fair amount of attention. But my husband needs to realize that there is a difference between being noticed and acting on it. He needs to trust me and stop insulting us both. I'm going to be very honest and blunt here - I am starting to wonder if we haven't just grown apart. Am I cheating myself by sticking around and trying? I'm no spring chicken - I'll be 40 in a few years. I think I just want what a lot of people want - a loving respectful relationship. Someone to sit on a porch swing with and watch the grandkids play. Not someone who throws the swing across the yard and accuses me of asking the guy down the street to fix my walker as a way of flirting! Jenna Link to post Share on other sites
brickaney Posted September 2, 2006 Share Posted September 2, 2006 Do you tell your husband what other men say to you? How does he know that you're being hit on so much? You could have made him more insecure by telling him about each time a man has hit on you. Sure it's essential to be open in a relationship but maybe he feels mocked when you tell him those things. I know it makes you feel good to be complimented so much and you probly have the urge to tell someone about it. I think you should tell a girl friend about it instead of your husband who's feeling attacked. You're both pushing away from one another because of some words other men said. It doesn't make sense if you think about it that way. You need to ask him to talk with you when he's comfortable doing so and then tell him how concerned you are. If you know he's insecure in the first place, you should be encouraging him, not boasting in your own confidence around him. And of course cheating isn't the answer in any situation. There's no excuse for it and it's only going to hurt people. But you know that so there's no need to get into it. Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted September 2, 2006 Share Posted September 2, 2006 I have no intention of cheating. I respect my vows. I'll leave the marriage first. yet it seems that this may be my husbands passive-aggressive way of pushing me away. He claims to love me and want me so who knows. I absolutely do not tell him or anyone else what other men say or do in my presence. I'm embarrassed by it and I do not think it is flattering. Of course it's nice to know that, at my age, I can still turn a head, but that's about all I get out of it. When my husband is with me, he sees men turn around to look, yell things at me, etc. His co-workers tell him he is out of his league and they think I'm hot. That doesn't help - at all!! So it's not me telling him - I'm not that stupid or cruel. Link to post Share on other sites
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