Parents who have affairs

[TheSilentType]

I'll admit, I sometimes read the OW/OM threads because they're like a trainwreck....can't but help look.

 

As much as I hate those threads, they do offer some information. But it mostly provides the perspective of the cheaters or the spouses.

 

I have a couple of questions that I would really appreciate if someone could answer. I'm very curious about how affairs are perceived from a child's perspective. For those of you who have been in the rather sad position of a child who parent was going through an affair, I'd appreciate it if you could answer my specific questions...

 

1. Which parent cheated?

2. What happened to your parent's marriage? Did your parents divorce or did your parent take back the cheating spouse?

3. What were your feelings on what was happening?

4. Did you ever know about the affair before it was known to your parent who was not cheating? What did you do? Did you tell your betrayed parent or did you keep silent or did you confront your parent?

5. Did you forgive your cheating parent or not?

6. If you are married now, have you ever had an affair?

 

PM if you'd like to instead of posting. Thanks.

[Roo]

I'd love it if someone would be willing to post in response I have a 3 yr old neice who will be having to deal with her parent's divorce that I believe was largely due do H having an EA for sure and more than likely a PA, it would be great to hear how the children of situations like this cope.

[TheSilentType]

Yes, that's why I posted. I would love if someone posted, but I could also understand them not wanting to...it must have been very painful. But if anyone does post, thanks much for the insight...and sorry for what you went through.

[Pink Amulet]

1. Which parent cheated? Father.

2. What happened to your parent's marriage? Seperated. Did your parents divorce or did your parent take back the cheating spouse? She kicked him out the day she found out. I helped her pack his stuff.

3. What were your feelings on what was happening? I hated my father for what he did.

4. Did you ever know about the affair before it was known to your parent who was not cheating? I heard the answering machine message from his lover as it was playing. What did you do? Did you tell your betrayed parent or did you keep silent or did you confront your parent? I ran down stairs and told her to listen to it.

5. Did you forgive your cheating parent or not? No.

6. If you are married now, have you ever had an affair? I would never do it. If I wanted someone else, I would leave the marriage, and find my happiness without destroying another life.

 

I lost a lot of respect for my father. He will never earn this back...

[TheSilentType]

Thank you for be brave and posting Pink Amulet. I never knew you had a parent that had an affair! I'm sorry

 

And wow it was your dad? I thought you have a close relationship with your dad...isn't he the one that climbs mountains all the over world and invites you to come?

[Pink Amulet]

Haha yes. That is about the only relationship we have. I have said before I think of him as a friend more than a father.

 

He wasn't around much, and I don't mind. My mother and my nanny did a good job

[TheSilentType]

It must have been a traumatic experience for you to pack your dad's bags with your mom! I don't know how old you were, but if you were kid as opposed to an older teen it must have been really hard.

 

And its good to hear that your mum raised you well. Glad that she didn't turn into some bitter person that took everything out on everyone else.

[Pink Amulet]

I wasn't a teenager yet. But I knew what was going on, and I knew why.

 

The message was pretty sexy. As soon as I heard her voice, I just got this horrible feeling in my stomach.

 

I am not traumatised by it at all. My mum is a very successful, independant, and powerful woman. She eats men like my father for breakfast. She always has. Her stength in this instance just instilled the right values in me...

 

She didn't ask me to help her pack. I just did it. I was a pretty take-no sh*t, fiesty little girl anyway... I survived boarding school, I had to be

[LittleWingedOne]

1. Which parent cheated? Mother

2. What happened to your parent's marriage? Did your parents divorce or did your parent take back the cheating spouse? They stayed together, because I know they really are in love.

3. What were your feelings on what was happening? I was a junior in high school when it happened. I remember being so sad, and drinking a lot. I ended up crying in my best friend's room to her. Not a good way to deal with it, but we all make mistakes.

4. Did you ever know about the affair before it was known to your parent who was not cheating? What did you do? Did you tell your betrayed parent or did you keep silent or did you confront your parent? I knew before my dad. My mom didn't even know that I knew. I remember it was because I was using instant messenger and it logs conversations. I accidentaly (it really was an accident, I didnt even know my mom used AIM) clicked her screen name instead of mine, and was about to close it when I saw something she said to this man. They were talking about meeting (he was married too) and all this stuff. I couldn't stop the tears. I kept wondering how she could do this to my father who is the nicest man I've ever known. I knew they were going through a rough patch, but I didn't know how rough. I kept quiet until they had a bad fight and my mom left. I didnt know where she went but when she came back I asked her. She didn't say anything to me, but told me to get out. A day or two later I heard them fighting again, but this time I knew my dad had found out. I didn't know what was going to happen, but I was at an age where i realized that divorce isnt' the end of the world and it might just make things better, because I love my parents and I want them to be happy.

5. Did you forgive your cheating parent or not? For awhile I resented her. After I found out (and before my dad did) the man came over to pick up work stuff (they worked together). I was at the kitchen table eating cereal, and I looked at him like I wanted to kill him. I want to scream "Get the f**k out of my house and away from my mom!" But I just stared. I think he noticed because he walked outside to wait for her. I held in so much anger for a long time. It made me wonder about monogamy. It messed with my mind and I ended up cheating on a guy I was dating for awhile, and while I don't blame her for that since It was my action, I felt like the situation def. pushed me there. As I've gotten older, she's reached out to me, and sometimes when we're having a heart to heart she'll almost imply what happened, but never ever say it out loud to me. It did make me realize that she is human too, and has all the same feelings I do. At the time it happened I wanted to hate her, but in the long run it made us closer. Her and my dad have gotten so much better too. They hold hands and laugh a lot and Ive even heard them having sex a few times! I know that would gross most teenagers out, but It made me happy because I knew they loved each other. It especially makes me happy to hear my mom and dad talk about how they met and how they both knew instantly that they were for each other. There are rough patches for everyone, and affairs hurt, but if you truly love someone, I believe working through it is possible.

[TheSilentType]

I remember being so sad, and drinking a lot. I ended up crying in my best friend's room to her. Not a good way to deal with it, but we all make mistakes.

 

Why do you feel bad for crying to your best friend? I can only imagine how difficult it must be. In fact, for me...finding out about a parent's affair would be worst than having a parent die. I can accept a parent dying as part of a natural occurrence of life....but I would have a harder time accepting an affair.

 

Anyways, I'm glad there is a happy ending to your story. I too would not want to know that my parents were having sex ...BUT if I knew they were really distant or one had gone through an affair and they were now patching things up, then yeah I would also be glad...but I'd still jump in my car and drive to the beach so I woudn't have to hear them

 

Thanks for sharing. You don't really get to see the kid's perspective on here...mostly the OW/OM/spouse's side...so I like to hear what its like for the child..

[LittleWingedOne]

I don't feel bad about crying to my best friend, I just think that drinking was not a good way to deal with the pain.

[TattooedPrincess]

 

1. Which parent cheated? Father

2. What happened to your parent's marriage? They stayed together.

Did your parents divorce or did your parent take back the cheating spouse? refer to answer line 2

3. What were your feelings on what was happening?

Lets see I was about 14 years old when this was discovered. I was really mad, I went from crying to anger. I had a hard time connecting with my father as a child it seems we had nothing in common. I even got interested in watching football games just to have SOMETHING in common. I grew up around horses through out my dad side of the family and got my first horse when I was 11 years old and it seem like we connected there for a while. I had always wanted to barrel race but never got to take classes in it or anything of a sort. We bred my mare when I was 13 and I really thought we at least had something to do together, father daughter thing and then one day he came in at my mother and told her she needed to pick up the responsiblity with the horses with me , he just could not do it anymore because he supposably worked to much. It was maybe a at least a year down the road he was caught messing around with this woman and apparently had been with this woman at the time he came up with that sorry excuse that he had no time to deal with me and the horses. It was one of those things were mine and his relationship twittled on a very thin line. As a child I felt traded off. It was more important to poke some other filly then to spend any time with his own child. All and all this woman got mad. She wanted him to divorce right then and there to be with her but he wouldn't do it. So she slapped a restraining order on him, then week or so later invited him to the tralier house that he supposably bought for her to live in. She had invited her exhusband over to the trailer also and the exhusband and my dad got in a fist fight over the ol heifer, then she turn around call the cops and had my dad picked up and thrown into jail.

 

I think as a child I stayed pretty messed up over this for a long while.

 

4. Did you ever know about the affair before it was known to your parent who was not cheating?

No I did not know about the affair but my mother expected it just didn't have the proof at the time until this one showed up.

What did you do? Did you tell your betrayed parent or did you keep silent or did you confront your parent?

I think this doesn't apply to me considering I wasn't the one that found the affair.

5. Did you forgive your cheating parent or not?

No I did not forgive. I think he had others as well.

6. If you are married now, have you ever had an affair? As of today I have never married. I am thinking thanks to my past I am overly cautious about who I go out with and the worthiness of most men doesn't even reach my list to make it to marriage. Have I ever cheated on a long term relationship with a boyfriend? NO!!!! never...

 

 

PM if you'd like to instead of posting. Thanks.

 

I also roam the OW/OM board for the hell of it. Mainly I guess to get some kind of understanding though most of it tends to piss me off. I have a two way street on this and that is because of my past and because I had at least twice ran into men who tried to date me or meet me and they showed up being married. Of course they always lie saying they are single. As soon as I find out they are married I dump there a$$-s quickly. As far as I am concern people like that don't deserve to be around me. I guess since I am so conscience about the idea that most guys will lie as long as they can get into your pants, I am not so quick to moving into doing things. I make sure there is a long wait and a comfort zone to doing things and I watch for red flags before I get deeply involved with someone.

[fishstar]

By the way I'm 27 and female.

 

1. Which parent cheated? Mother - for 20 years. It is still going on.

2. What happened to your parent's marriage? It is a shambles Did your parents divorce or did your parent take back the cheating spouse? Parents did not divorce although I wish they had. Life was a living hell. Father takes her back time and time again.

3. What were your feelings on what was happening? I had nightmares about her lover for many years because he had invaded my family and destryed it right in front of me. He also tried something on with me which was very disturbing. My father did nothing about it. I failed my GCSE's (significant highschool type exams in uk), but retook,did ok in my A-levels, and luckily got into an excellent uni anyway. Almost failed my finals of uni due to the problems but managed to scrape through and then get a masters and good job. I have suffered intense internal and external hatred, anger, despair, depression, insomnia etc.

4. Did you ever know about the affair before it was known to your parent who was not cheating? Yes, I am the one who found out about it when I was around 8 years old because the guy gave me the creeps and I saw a lot of disturbing things. What did you do? Did you tell your betrayed parent When I told me dad repeatedly he did not believe me but shouted at me and sent me to my room. This went on for about 6-7 years! Then he finally found out when I was about 15 when he finally realised himself that that they had gone to a hotel in America. My brother also did nothing to support me or did you keep silent (no i was very vocal about it for many years as i knew it was wrong)or did you confront your parent? Also confronted parent who was very passive about whole thing.

5. Did you forgive your cheating parent or not? Took me many years to talk to her as a human being. I hated her for many years. Could not come to terms with everything and they have stayed together. Then when I was about 21 we began to get on a bit better. I recently moved home after a break of 9 years and have realised why she did it. Having my first sexual relationship and first experience of a broken heart, and being cheated on, has made me realise why she did what she did, and how easy it is to cheat. But why they have stayed together is beyond me. They both suffer still. I know she is still having the affair with the same guy. If anything, I hate my dad for not ending the relationship with her and putting me through what he did. I think they are both idiots and immature and I cannot wait to leave their presence for good which is hopefully by the end of 2006.

6. If you are married now, have you ever had an affair? I have vowed never to get married due to what I have witnessed and experienced through my life. I will never cheat on a person and I do feel unhappy in a relationship I will talk to the person and leave rather than cheating. There is no thrill in cheating. There is only pain.

[TheDiva]

1. Which parent cheated? Father

 

2. What happened to your parent's marriage? Did your parents divorce or did your parent take back the cheating spouse?

 

My mother took him back once. He continued with the same OW. Then they got seperated. He fought the divorce all the way because his OW was also married and refused to divorce her H. My mother continued on with the divorce and never looked back.

 

3. What were your feelings on what was happening?

 

I was young (around 4/5 years old) and it was easily hidden from me at the time. I was a bit confused about why my parents didn't live together anymore. Only later in my teen years did I fully realize. I cannot stand my father now. I eventually realized that all those times he took me out on "playdates" it was to use me as a legit excuse to be at OW's house. She had a son my age. We would be sent outside to play. HUUMMMM I wonder what they were doing locked inside the house??????

 

4. Did you ever know about the affair before it was known to your parent who was not cheating? What did you do? Did you tell your betrayed parent or did you keep silent or did you confront your parent?

 

Nope

As stated above I didn't realize what had went on until much later. My mom was good at keeping us children out of it.

 

I did, however, get into a fight with my father when I was 15. He called my mother and cussed her out for taking me to see him. I called him back when I got home and his wife answered. Yes, the one that was his OW. Her H had since died, God rest his soul, and she and my father married. He refused to speak to me. I let everything fly at the both of them at that time. His wife apologised for their past and HIS current behavior. She did put him on speaker phone so I know he heard me. On a side note, at one point in time my mother and this woman had been good friends. My father to this day states he did nothing wrong, was not having an A, blah blah blah. It's all hot air to me. I very rarely see him, and I won't let him have anything to do with my children. The last time I saw him and my children were around I refused to call him dad, father, sperm donor etc. I simply called him *John Doe* the look on his face was priceless. I also dared him (with my eyes) to defy me and tell my kids he is their grandfather. He actually thought I would introduce him to them as such! He never did get to have the son he so badly wanted.(awww too bad for him:rolleyes: ) I had great satisfaction in seeing the surprise on John Doe's* face upon seeing my oldest son. My son resembles him a lot.

 

(*John Doe* is of course not his real name I do have a little itty bitty teensy weensy speck of respect for his half of my DNA.)

 

 

5. Did you forgive your cheating parent or not?

 

Not really. There was/is a lot more than the cheating though. IE: above..and more still.

 

6. If you are married now, have you ever had an affair?

 

I am married now. I have not cheated, but I did get pulled into an A early in my adult life.

[Guest]

I am in fact in the middle of this right now and is not yet a thing of the past. I'm 16 meaning I've been told more details than I want to know which is certainly not what I want to hear.

 

1. Which parent cheated? Mother (apparently). Although I always suspected my dad more. Maybe it was both.

 

2. What happened to your parent's marriage? Did your parents divorce or did your parent take back the cheating spouse? The marriage is certainly out of the window now. They are arguing over who keeps what. My dad claimed he would take it back (as apparently my dad did do a similar thing just after I was born. And that is another detail I didn't want to know with this break-up.)

 

3. What were your feelings on what was happening? Well this needs a lot of explaining. I was little shook up at the time. This was about 3am. At first I heard them shouting. I thought "Just leave it. It's no biggie. They always get over it in a week or 2". Soon my mum started screaming for my brothers help as my dad got violent. So we both ran down the stairs from our seperate rooms to hear all this face to face. The police soon barged in and my dad was put in a cell for the night. My dad only talks about this stuff in a joking way whenever its brought up as if I'm not a victim. This all happened just before my GCSEs (end of school exams in the UK (these exams decide everything)). Now I fear it has spoiled my chances of reaching sixth form which was my goal ever since 5 years ago when I hit highschool. For the past few weeks I've barely seen my mum so I dont know what to think of her. My dad is one of those disgraceful people who fit about perfectly in the description of "chav" (if you do not live in the UK chances are you dont know what one of these are. Give it a quick look.) He is already going out with several women (none of which I have met but he admits to it) which I expected of him and is frankly quite sickening to think what impact that will have on me. My brother found this out before me as he tends to poke his nose in stuff not wanting to be known. He has moved out and says that I'll be forced out in a matter of time (and personally what I think he's saying is believable unfortunatly). With him he also took the pet dog which I miss a lot now. The results of all this is that I try to avoid talking to any of them now so I hardly go out as much as I used to and stay in my room as I clearly don't want to hear some of the pointless things they say but they say them anyway. I did just say a big summary but I wasn't too shocked as I noticed years ago it would be only a matter of time. It just couldn't have been worse for my GCSEs which could decide what my career options are. My parents wouldn't understand. My mum always pushed me to be perfect at school in full knowledge that she never went to school herself and my dad was too much of a "chav" and therefore he was kicked out of school. Its horrible to know.

 

4. Did you ever know about the affair before it was known to your parent who was not cheating? What did you do? Did you tell your betrayed parent or did you keep silent or did you confront your parent? As already said I did suspect them but I had no solid proof and didn't want to find any proof either.

 

5. Did you forgive your cheating parent or not? I am still unaware what my mum thinks and I usually live by not being too judgemental (which is often a problem in the end). I think they are both to blame but I don't know who to blame more. My dad treated us all like *******s for a very long time.

 

6. If you are married now, have you ever had an affair? I'm 16. Little young for a normal marriage. If you hadn't already guessed my parents are not the type of people to have as a role model. It didn't take rocket science or a long time to figure that out. This being said I had a lot of time to have much different mindset from them both. To sum that question I won't. I am always told I am good at self control. Some of the people that found out said I was good at hiding it and the way I'm takig it is extremly well. This could be truth or flattery for my bad times. Sometimes when I feel like I'm missing out on doing bad things because a lot people do bad things to me. It almost makes bad things look not so bad to do. But I know that know better. Even better than my parents.

[the_alchemyst]

Ah, I can't believe I didn't see this one. Well, okay--I did but I was too lazy to click on it. Eh, well. Better late than never, right, Silent?

 

1. Which parent cheated? My Mom

 

2. What happened to your parent's marriage? Did your parents divorce or did your parent take back the cheating spouse? Oh my. My Mom cheated on my dad with my brother's Dad. (This is skewed: I have several siblings, (and close to none) but they are all my half-siblings, sons and daughter of the same man). She did it once a long time ago, then did it again, and again, and I presume she is doing it now. My Dad was very crushed when learning this, and was never the same man afterwards. They filed for divorce one, but didn't go through with it. Did it again some times later; didn't go through with it, either. They are trying to divorce again at the moment, because they just well, are bad together. Who knows if this one will fall through. As a result of the cheating, alcohol abuse, physical abuse, and emotional abuse ensued. My Mom got the worst of it, but I also got a good deal. Now, my Mom is currently lost, with "someone" whom we all think and know it is Him (who I hate!), and my Dad is lost, too, presumably sulking in alcohol and sadness. And now I am here, lingering between the land of the living and the land of the dead. And this is just the jist of it. Oh well.

 

3. What were your feelings on what was happening? I was sad, hurt, angry and ashamed. I could not believe my Mom was doing this! And I could not believe my Dad was doing what he was doing, either. It was hard, and still is, to say this to anyone. I never really had anyone over at my house because of this warped family-style. It was too hard to tell anyone what kind of parents I had, and what kind of family I lived with. It was worse when I came back from a short-lived boarding school program. Everything was worse, and I became worse. I grew increasingly sad and depressed, and became even more shy, closed, and quiet than I naturally was. I was deeply traumatized, in a way, thinking that I would never trust anyone because everyone was a big selfish hypocrite, anyway. I disassociated myself from the world, pretty much, until I met a good friend and my exbf, who showed me that there are some people whom can be trusted, loved, and counted on . . . for a while at least. I guess I'm pretty messed up, eh? And maybe the thoughts I had back then weren't all that far from the truth.

 

4. Did you ever know about the affair before it was known to your parent who was not cheating? What did you do? Did you tell your betrayed parent or did you keep silent or did you confront your parent? No, not really. I found out after my Dad found out, and I went into a type of schock and went a bit crazy because I was disgusted at my Mom.

 

5. Did you forgive your cheating parent or not? It's not my place. I don't think I can nor will ever hold an eternal grudge or feeling of resentment towards my parents. They will always be my parents after all. Yes, they are not all that great, but I guess they gave me what they could, for the types of persons they are. Sometimes I get angsty and say that I will never trust or believe in them again, and other days I believe that. In a way, I don't think I will ever be able to fully rely on them, but that's it. I think forgiveness towards others whom have harmed you is the first step to inner peace, and I really need that, especially at this time. I honestly don't seem to be able to hold grudges/resentment towards people I love/once loved.

 

6. If you are married now, have you ever had an affair? No, I am not married and who knows if I will ever be. The only thing I know is that if I ever do wed another, I will never do this. I know a lot of people, if not just about everyone, says this, but I really mean it. I just wouldn't be able to. I don't have the heart to deal that high amount of damage to anyone. Why would I want to purposely hurt another person? I wouldn't, and I personally believe that cheating is an act that is done on purpose, that is--consciously. I just wouldn't be able to. I know what it's like to be hurt and battered by the people you love most, and it is a horrible feeling; one that I wish upon no other. This world needs more love, not more sadness. If things ever got to the point where they just cannot be worked out (in a marriage), then I would be upfront about it. A divorce will always be the better and most ethical and humane choice, I think.

 

In my opinion, if I were ever to get divorced, it would be ONLY after I knew I gave it my all in order to make it work. Once I have, then what else can I do but let them go and allow them to be happy in the choice that they have made.

[superconductor]

1. Which parent cheated?

My dad

2. What happened to your parent's marriage? Did your parents divorce or did your parent take back the cheating spouse?

They never split, though they came very close.

3. What were your feelings on what was happening?

Irrelevant. What I thought about it had absolutely no impact on it whatsoever.

4. Did you ever know about the affair before it was known to your parent who was not cheating? What did you do? Did you tell your betrayed parent or did you keep silent or did you confront your parent?

I didn't know until dad broke the news to me.

5. Did you forgive your cheating parent or not?

Yes and no. Forgiveness is a process, not a result. I have to make an effort to forgive him every time I see him. Usually I succeed, but not always.

6. If you are married now, have you ever had an affair?

Not married now, but never had an affair when I was married.

[Ripples]

There's no option for not finding out until after the affair was over, but anyway:

 

1. Which parent cheated?

Both of them. My father before I was born (I'm the youngest of five), my mother when I was about 10.

 

2. What happened to your parent's marriage? Did your parents divorce or did your parent take back the cheating spouse?

They stayed togther because of us children, the social stigma and their religious beliefs. My father is now 82 and my mother is 70. Despite everything, they have become best friends.

 

3. What were your feelings on what was happening?

I wasn't born when my father had his A. I suspect his affair was purely physical and he had no intention of leaving my mother. I felt I should be pretty cross for Ma when I found out, but, as she said, as I hadn't been affected by it and if she had forgiven him, I didn't really have the right to be angry.

 

I didn't know about my mother's affair until many, many years after it had ended, I must have been about 20. When I found out about it, I felt really very sad, for both my parents. My mother was truly in love with the man she had an affair with.

 

4. Did you ever know about the affair before it was known to your parent who was not cheating? What did you do? Did you tell your betrayed parent or did you keep silent or did you confront your parent?

No.

 

5. Did you forgive your cheating parent or not?

Yes, I wasn't affected by them and also because they forgave each other.

 

6. If you are married now, have you ever had an affair?

Not married now, but never cheated.

[November-Rain]

1. Which parent cheated?-Father

 

2. What happened to your parents marriage? Did your parents divorce or did your parent take the cheating spouse?- My parents marriage almost fell apart, due to the fact that my mother literally tried to kill the other woman-My mother caught my father and other woman in bed and put a knife to her throat and almost slit her throat as my sisters and I waited in the car. Thankfully my father was strong enough to take away the knife. The affair lasted 3-4 years and produced a half brother whom my mother raised along with my father, becuase other woman ended up leaving my dad for yet another married man. She ended up moving to another state leaving behind my brother at the age of two. My mother has forgiven my father and has raised my brother and loves him dearly as if he was her own.

 

3. What was your feelings on what was happening? I was 16 at the time, I was devasted that my father could hurt my mother, my sisters, and I. My father would even bring the other woman to our home with the excuse that she was a family friend, of course within time we figured she was more than just a friend. I could see the rage my mother had towards my father, and the head games my father played on my mother. He tried to blame her for his affair. I eventually became numb to the drama, and decided to hurt myself instead by drinking, partying, and becoming promiscuous. I eventually came to my senses and dealt with all my anger and resentment towards my father on my own.

 

4. Did you ever know about the affair before it was known to your parent who was not cheating? Yes, I had strong feelings that something wasn't right with my father.

What did you do? I distanced myself from my father and became my mothers eyes and ears she aslo suspected he was cheating , but with work and all she couldn't quite catch him in the act, so my sisters and I would follow him to see if he was going to see her, and 9 times out of 10 he was with her.

Did you tell your betrayed parent or did you keep silent or did you confront your parent? Since my mother already suspected my father was cheating, we all confronted him and of course he denied it.

 

5. Did you forgive your cheating parent or not? Yes, I did. he has expressed remorse over and over again. He is a better grandfather to his grandchildren than he was as a dad to my sisters and I. He now tries to do kind things for us to make up for the past.

 

6. If you are married now, have you ever had an affair? yes I am married, and yes I have dangerously been close to an affair, but the hurt and pain I would cause my children and husband has superceded any selfishness on my behalf.

[TheSilentType]

The affair lasted 3-4 years and produced a half brother whom my mother raised along with my father, becuase other woman ended up leaving my dad for yet another married man. She ended up moving to another state leaving behind my brother at the age of two. My mother has forgiven my father and has raised my brother and loves him dearly as if he was her own.

 

5. Did you forgive your cheating parent or not? Yes, I did. he has expressed remorse over and over again. He is a better grandfather to his grandchildren than he was as a dad to my sisters and I. He now tries to do kind things for us to make up for the past.

 

6. If you are married now, have you ever had an affair? yes I am married, and yes I have dangerously been close to an affair, but the hurt and pain I would cause my children and husband has superceded any selfishness on my behalf.

 

I simply don't understand how your mother could have forgiven your dad, even after she came to close to committing attempted murder. Had your father not pulled the knife away, your mother could have killed that woman and would have spent the rest of her life in prison. Meanwhile, your dad would be free and probably go around screwing another married woman.

 

Nevertheless, in spite of your mother's actions and my feelings that she must be a little crazy to have stayed with your dad, I think she is a great person for raising the child of an affair. Or maybe she didn't have much say in it? Maybe your dad wanted to raise the child and she had to just accept it? I don't know...

 

I also don't understand how you could forgive your father as well. It's just so amazing. Both you and your mother let this guy get off easy. He had both his fun and he has been forgiven!

 

If either of my parents did something like that, or even worse if they didn't admit it but I suspected it, they would become person non-grata in my life....essentially they would be dead to me.

 

As much as I think people like you are a bit crazy for forgiving, I have to give my hats of to you for having that ability. I don't.

[TheSilentType]

If you are married now, have you ever had an affair? I have vowed never to get married due to what I have witnessed and experienced through my life.

 

I totally sympathize with you Fishstar. I can understand why you would feel this way. Heck, after reading all about this kind of stuff...I'm jaded myself and kind of scared of getting married.

 

I really don't understand why your dad would not leave your mother! How could he tolerate such a horrible situation for years? I don't know if he's very religious or if he just has such horrible self-esteem that he is scared he won't find someone else, but I couldn't do that.

 

Both your parents seem really selfish. I hope your able to move out and have a more stable life than them.

[TheSilentType]

I make sure there is a long wait and a comfort zone to doing things and I watch for red flags before I get deeply involved with someone.

 

Never stop being like this TP.

 

And I am sorry that your dad made you feel traded off. I'm glad he got beat up.

[TheSilentType]

I eventually realized that all those times he took me out on "playdates" it was to use me as a legit excuse to be at OW's house. She had a son my age. We would be sent outside to play. HUUMMMM I wonder what they were doing locked inside the house??????

 

 

Completely shameless. This is really the behavior of scumbags. I am just amazed at how some people underestimate what children are aware of.

[TheSilentType]

2. What happened to your parent's marriage? Did your parents divorce or did your parent take back the cheating spouse? They filed for divorce one, but didn't go through with it. Did it again some times later; didn't go through with it, either. They are trying to divorce again at the moment, because they just well, are bad together.

 

 

 

5. Did you forgive your cheating parent or not? It's not my place. I don't think I can nor will ever hold an eternal grudge or feeling of resentment towards my parents...I think forgiveness towards others whom have harmed you is the first step to inner peace, and I really need that, especially at this time. I honestly don't seem to be able to hold grudges/resentment towards people I love/once loved.

 

 

I simply don't understand why people can stay in situations like this...am I not seeing the bigger picture or something? Anyways, now I understand your situation better and as painful as it is to you, I'm glad your dad wisened and finally left. Don't be so hard on him...it must really hurt...and its good that he's moving away.

 

And unlike you, I could hold a grudge forever. Again...my hats off to people like you....I am simply amazed at how you can just let someone off the hook so easily for something like this.

 

I'm beginning to wonder if some kids who have gone through situations like this have a kind of Stockholm Syndrome, where they forgive the person harming them.

[Guest]

I don't believe either of my parents cheated, although in the last four years or so my dad has claimed that my mom had an affair and that was the basis of their divorce... they have been divorced since I was 4 or 5, They are both remarried so I don't see what the point of my dad telling my brother and I that was. I don't know that I believe what he says, I just brushed him off because it is none of my business, and at his point it makes no difference at all. If his accusations are true I don't think I want to know.

 

My other perspective is that my boyfriend's dad cheated on his mom about two years ago, I have known him for three and a half years and we have been dating for a little over two, little to say I have been the person that he went to when his parents marriage started going down hill. His mom also has basically considered me the daughter she never had, since she met me, I feel like I am part of their family. I can answer the questions origianlly posted from what I saw and what my bf told me...

 

 

 

1. Which parent cheated? His Father.

 

 

2. What happened to your parent's marriage? Seperated and divorced within a month, they got back together a year later, they tried to work things out for a year and then this summer called it quits for good. Did your parents divorce or did your parent take back the cheating spouse?

 

 

3. What were your feelings on what was happening? He was upset with his dad for a few months, then he started spending time with him and he dad was completely honest about what happened, he was incredibly happy when they decided to try again to make it work, they often talked about getting married again in vegas, when his dad told him that they were seperating for good I was there and my bf was very upset and took out his anger yelling at his father, assuming that he had cheated again... although we don't know if that was the case or not.

 

 

4. Did you ever know about the affair before it was known to your parent who was not cheating? No he didn't, his dad told him What did you do? Did you tell your betrayed parent or did you keep silent or did you confront your parent?

 

 

5. Did you forgive your cheating parent or not? He has started to forgive his dad again, I know that they talk once every other week or so.

 

 

6. If you are married now, have you ever had an affair? He has been dating me for for a little over two years and he has not cheated, I don't think that he ever would especially after watching his parents for the last two years, he gets very upset when I have mentioned a friend of mine getting cheated on.