Parents who have affairs

[November-Rain]

I simply don't understand how your mother could have forgiven your dad, even after she came to close to committing attempted murder. Had your father not pulled the knife away, your mother could have killed that woman and would have spent the rest of her life in prison. Meanwhile, your dad would be free and probably go around screwing another married woman.

 

Nevertheless, in spite of your mother's actions and my feelings that she must be a little crazy to have stayed with your dad, I think she is a great person for raising the child of an affair. Or maybe she didn't have much say in it? Maybe your dad wanted to raise the child and she had to just accept it? I don't know...

 

I also don't understand how you could forgive your father as well. It's just so amazing. Both you and your mother let this guy get off easy. He had both his fun and he has been forgiven!

 

If either of my parents did something like that, or even worse if they didn't admit it but I suspected it, they would become person non-grata in my life....essentially they would be dead to me.

 

As much as I think people like you are a bit crazy for forgiving, I have to give my hats of to you for having that ability. I don't.

 

I know it must seem like we are crazy for letting my father off that easy. We did not forgive him as easily as it might of looked like. It took years of not speaking to him. Many attempts on his behalf to make things right between all of us. A lot of anger and resentment clouded our lives. It was affecting me in more ways than you could ever imagine, especially in relationships with other men. Fathers's do not realize how they can severely damage a daughter's self worth when infidelity is involved. As I got older and made my own life with my husband and children is when I decided to forgive him. My thoughts were that if he was sincere enough to want to set things straight and be a part of our lives, he deserved to be forgiven. It was either that or letting that bad part of our lives poison us. Now that doesn't mean I have forgotten the pain he inflicted upon our family, I don't think that ever goes away, but it does get easier with time.

 

As for my mother, she is a bit looney. The affair did take a toll on her. She suffered many years of mental abuse from my father, he denied and always blamed her for his affair but for some reason she found it within her heart to love my brother unconditionally. He has only seen his biological mother a few times in his life, all he knows is us, he is actually doing quite well. I think he was a blessing in disguise. We love him very much. My father and mother are together still, for I don't know what reason really. They are older in age now and I guess my mother truly loves my father despite the betrayel and mental abuse, I don't think she knows anything better but the life she has chosen for herself. We tried unsuccessfully to have her come live with one of my sisters or I, but to no avail. She is content with the cards that have been dealt for her.

[britchick]

1. Which parent cheated? Father, many times. Mother, once.

2. What happened to your parent's marriage? Did your parents divorce or did your parent take back the cheating spouse?

My mother tolerated this for donkeys years before having an affair of her own. They still lived together but had separate rooms and lived separate lives for about 5 years until my mother had an affair. We moved to bigger and bigger houses over the years, all done by my mother, so that when they split they would both be OK financially. They were together 25 years in all.

3. What were your feelings on what was happening?

The atmosphere at home was terrible. I suffered bad depression as a teenager and into my early twenties, although part of this I think was my genes. My father suffered extreme depression and was a (functioning) alcoholic.

4. Did you ever know about the affair before it was known to your parent who was not cheating? What did you do? Did you tell your betrayed parent or did you keep silent or did you confront your parent? I found out about my father's affairs through my older sisters (I'm the youngest), who had already left home. When my mother had an affair, although I can completely understand why she did, I used to go along to his house and even went on holiday with them, I was about 13. I found this harder to deal with than my fathers affairs, because when we went home he would ask me if I'd had a nice day etc and I felt that I had to lie about who we had been with. I didn't want to hurt him. I told my mother about this but she just said, you can tell him where we've been, I've got nothing to hide.

I'm sure my father knew what was going on, but it was never spoken about. I wish he had told me he knew because as time went on I avoided my father and that damaged our relationship for many years. In fact I first told him I loved him 2 years ago (I'm 37) and he cried. (Oh ****, now I've started:( ). My mother was always came across as a strong, confident woman and I felt completely safe with her, so I didn't really worry about her as much as I worried about my dad, even though he had treated her terribly. Apart from this she was a fantastic mother.

5. Did you forgive your cheating parent or not?

I forgive both of them and I absolutely adore them both. My mother left my father a long time ago now, both have new partners. In fact they are friends now and meet up for lunch, give each other Xmas presents and birthday cards and are also friendly with each others partners. When I had children (I was living abroad) they would rent a villa together so that the whole family could come and visit.

My mother forgave my father a long time ago and told me if she could forgive him then so could I. She spent years telling me he loved me and trying to improve our relationship. She made mistakes too but they're both only human and were damaged by their own childhoods. The misery has to stop somewhere!

6. If you are married now, have you ever had an affair?

I live with my partner of ten years, no I've never had an affair, but I can understand why people do, as a teenager I was never faithful to a single boyfriend, but I seem to have got over that.

 

 

Well, Silent Type, that's put a downer on the whole day! Only kidding, it was quite cathartic. Thank you.

[TheSilentType]

Well, Silent Type, that's put a downer on the whole day! Only kidding, it was quite cathartic. Thank you.

 

Thank you for sharing....actually thanks to everyone for sharing.

 

What amazes me the most from reading a lot of these stories is peoples' ability to forgive and let things go inspite of the deep hurt they've felt ("I suffered bad depression as a teenager and into my early twenties")

 

Anyways, I'm glad your story has a happy ending...and that everyone managed to get along in the end.

[Pink Amulet]

When I have been climbing I have often wanted to push my dad off ledges, and in to crevasses.

 

Does that count as forgiveness?

[lovelorcet]

1. Which parent cheated?

 

my dad

 

 

2. What happened to your parent's marriage? Did your parents divorce or did your parent take back the cheating spouse?

 

He got caught cheating twice (same girl) and my mother took him back both times. It was then 15 years later that she left him. Things were just never the same.

 

 

 

3. What were your feelings on what was happening?

 

I was deeply hurt and betrayed when I found out. I was like 10 but I understood what was going on and I saw how it hurt my wonderful mother.

 

4. Did you ever know about the affair before it was known to your parent who was not cheating? What did you do? Did you tell your betrayed parent or did you keep silent or did you confront your parent?

 

Nope..

 

5. Did you forgive your cheating parent or not?

 

I tried to but as an adult I have come to realize what an awful person he is and I no longer have contact with him.

 

 

6. If you are married now, have you ever had an affair?

 

I was with someone for 10 years (married 3) and I never cheated and I never would. I knew what is felt like when I was 10 and could never inflict that kind of pain on another human let alone one I care for.

The funny thing is my Ex turned out to be a cheater. 3 As (that I know of) over the course of the 10 years. I had thought that I had found a loving, balanced woman but I was so wrong. The funny thing is I don’t hate her at all; sure I still get angry and stuff but I do not wish her anything bad. I actually feel really sorry for her now she has a hard time accepting who she really is.

When she told me about the 3rd A I was very hurt but offered to take some time and some counseling to find out what was going on with us. She said no and said she wanted to leave. I think she couldn’t stand watching my pain (again) and couldn’t even look at herself in the mirror anymore.

 

I already hate one person in my life (my father) and I have no intention to add anymore names to that list. It take some much out of me to hate him but I can't change it either...

[SARose61]

I'd like to share an interesting situation with you. My husband's father had an affair when my husband was in his early 20's some of his siblings were teenagers. His mom discovered the affair which was with one of his father's coworkers. She actually went to the place of employment confronted him and the woman, made the father quit the job. Woman called and talked to her later swearing that they had all been acquantances since high school days and that it was an innocent friendship. My husband and his siblings actually went with their mother to the confrontation! Parent's marriage remained rocky for a while, but they did not divorce. My husband said it was very uncomfortable at home for a while and he just didn't know how to treat his dad. His mom became very bitter. Now here's the interesting twist folks. Fast forward about 20 years, my husband's mom died in 2004, not more than 3 months after she passes, who is my father-in-law dating!? You guessed it, the woman with whom he had an affair 20 years ago. At 1st my husband and his siblings were angry and shocked. But within a few months they all realized that the relationship survived for decades (probably behind their mother's back) so they'd better get use to it. Now this woman is even invited to family gatherings. One more, even weirder twist. She herself is still married (to a man who is supposedly a real jerk and they are just waiting and hoping that because he is chronically ill, he will die soon)!!! She see's my father-in-law on the down low. Her own children know about the affair and they have even come to a couple of our family gatherings. This is all way too twisted for my liking, but what can ya do. As my husband says, he's his dad and he already lost his mom. Now has my husband cheated on me, because of what his dad did? Hmmmm I certainly hope not, and God help him if I ever catch him...lol. Honestly I truly can say that because of the pain and suffering his mom went through I dont think he has it in him. Also his mom was a stay at home mom with 5 kids, never worked, didn't graduate high school. I am sure this is why she chose to stay in the marriage. His dad more than likely also felt a sense of responsibility to stay because he was the bread winner. These days it is much easier to consider divorce, women are more independent, self-sufficient. This is not my 1st marriage and I did divorce my previous husband because of 2 discovered affairs.

 

Rose

[Stardust06]

My dad cheated on my mom when I was in my teens. My mom was a June Cleaver stay-at-home mom. She cooked full meals daily, cleaned house, catered to my dad and had no life other than being a mom and wife and raising three kids (and a grandchild).

 

She had no way of leaving him when she found out he cheated - where would she go? She had no job skills, no means of supporting herself, etc. So she was better off staying with him.

 

She was in her late 40's when she found out he was cheating with his secretary. From that time on she was extremely unhappy. Her misery turned into cancer - she died at age 62. She never forgave him - he made up for his bad behavior by taking care of her during her "cancer" years before death.

 

The way my dad treated my mom has affected my views towards men. And after working with alot of men in the workplace I have to say - most men cheat!

 

That's why I'm not married - I don't want to be cheated on or have to put up with that behavior. Very few men are faithful.

[TattooedPrincess]

My dad cheated on my mom when I was in my teens. My mom was a June Cleaver stay-at-home mom. She cooked full meals daily, cleaned house, catered to my dad and had no life other than being a mom and wife and raising three kids (and a grandchild).

 

You and I can almost relate. My mother was mostly a stay at home mom but I think she gave it a few trys to get a job. Back in the 80s she landed a great job with good pay and my dad acted sore about it. said some unsupported words about her getting the type job that she did. Said something on the line I guess you think you are so smart! He had stare so much trouble about her not being there for me, that the 3rd shift hours was a problem even made her miss a day of work over his petty stuff and caused her to get wrote up for it. When it came to laying off she was the first few that they prune to go.

 

She had no way of leaving him when she found out he cheated - where would she go? She had no job skills, no means of supporting herself, etc. So she was better off staying with him.

 

This is exactly how my mother felt. She didn't have much skills and at the same time my dad was menipulateing her mind about if she left she would lose custody of me. He said that she wasn't going to take any of the newer cars that he would give her a 12 year old car to drive and that she would have to walk away from the home and accounts if she wanted a divorce or else he will make it messy if she doesn't just walk away.

 

She was in her late 40's when she found out he was cheating

My mother was also in her late 40s when she found solid proof he was cheating.

 

with his secretary. From that time on she was extremely unhappy.

Exactly how I felt about my mother.

 

Her misery turned into cancer - she died at age 62.

My mother misery turn as cancer as well. This was her second battle. She was a 20 year survivor. This time around it took her life back a few years ago. She was 56 when she died.

 

She never forgave him -

I don't think she forgave him as a matter fact she was under asumption there was others.

 

he made up for his bad behavior by taking care of her during her "cancer" years before death.

Not my dad. I was the one the whole time taking care of my mother. I had done everything I could do to make her comfortable and keep her happy. She even told me that I was the one thing that was worth living for and I made her world go around. Every time my dad would get back from him trip he did enough to upset her during her sickness and I felt like I was fighting the devil to level her pain. I think he did it on purpose thinking it would speed up the cancer.

 

The way my dad treated my mom has affected my views towards men.

I know where you are coming from here also.

 

And after working with alot of men in the workplace I have to say - most men cheat!

It seems like from my last work place I seen a whole lot of that going on at its worse.

 

That's why I'm not married - I don't want to be cheated on or have to put up with that behavior. Very few men are faithful.

 

 

 

I have always blame that part of having no trust. I don't trust a whole lot of people. I have levels of trust but it's not complete trust. My mother is the only person I could say I had complete trust in and I haven't felt that level of trust in anyone since then.

[Stardust06]

WOW! After reading these posts again for the first time in my life I don't feel so alone. It's been 10 years since my mother died - my father died a couple of years ago but when he died I never shed a tear. Every day I think of my mom and her life and what she put up with staying married to my dad and all I can say is that it's made me one fiercely independent woman.

 

I had to leave my last relationship because he wanted a more subserviant "wife" - yet he wanted to be able to oogle other women and keep up his porn addiction. He loved me and wanted marriage.

 

Unfortunately I don't play Betty Crocker and put up with that behavior!