spinningmywheels Posted August 27, 2006 Share Posted August 27, 2006 I'm new here but have been lurking for a bit. You all seem like thoughtful people - not sure if this is the right place to post this but I'm curious: When is it time to end a long distance relationship? Are there any telltale signs (I would consider cheating one, but that's just me)? Do you rely on your gut? If the other person says they want to be with you, etc., but the actions don't bear it out, do you go with words or actions more? If you do everything you can to improve things, and nothing sticks, what then? Does that mean it's time? Thanks in advance.... Link to post Share on other sites
ShoeGirl Posted August 27, 2006 Share Posted August 27, 2006 Are there any telltale signs (I would consider cheating one, but that's just me)? Cheating would definently be one, others could include one person is getting distant and not wanting to talk as much, having other things to do at the times you usually talk, there are many signs. Do you rely on your gut? Yeah you should rely on your gut, our gut usually has a good point! If the other person says they want to be with you, etc., but the actions don't bear it out, do you go with words or actions more? Both actions and words are important, if your bf/gf is telling you that they love you and want to be with you and want to marry you or whatever, but at the same time they are not wanting to talk as much or as often then there is something up. If you do everything you can to improve things, and nothing sticks, what then? Does that mean it's time? Maybe that thinks that you will always be there and s/he can do whatever and you will not leave... maybe you need to take a break for a while, let that person see what life is like without you, that should take a lot of thought on your part as there are many pros and cons to taking a break. I don't know what your situation is... but I can tell you that I have been in a LDR for the better part of 2 years... you go through hard times, the most important part of any relationship is communication, and that is even more important in LDRs because you can see eachother's body language and what you are doing while you are talking. If you want to post more about your situation I will try and give you more specific thoughts, if you don't want to that is fine. Good luck with your relationship! Link to post Share on other sites
Author spinningmywheels Posted August 27, 2006 Author Share Posted August 27, 2006 Thanks ShoeGirl. I'm definitely interested in a survey type thing here, I'm curious about what the collective experience here has to say. I've been with my b/f almost 7 yrs, last 3.5 is LD (about 2 hrs away - I do the majority of the visiting, mostly b/c he always seems to be working). I just feel like things are trending worse, not better - like we communicate frequently about our issues and agree to work on them and then, nothing. He says he wants to be with me, that I'm the one for him, but not only does he not seem to care when we go weeks without seeing each other, lately I've noticed small personality changes; I also recently caught him in a lie (bedroom related but not cheating or anything like that as far as I can see). He agreed to counseling and I tried to find one, to no avail (logistics). I suggested taking a break. He always says no - I would make an effort to get a new job and move closer if I really felt like he was putting in equal effort to our relationship. So, I'm just wondering: when is it time to pull the plug? I love him, but I'm so frustrated... Link to post Share on other sites
tipoux Posted August 28, 2006 Share Posted August 28, 2006 Hi Spinning, I have been in a LDR for almost 4 years. (he lives 3 hours away).It is very difficult, since you can't share all aspects of your life with your significant other. It suits me fine for now since I have two children, so it gives me the flexibility that I need. I January 2006, I left him because I thought his actions did not reflect his words. He came back for me in June of that same year. All I can say is that now, I have a different perspective, I take that time aways from him as a way to take care of myself and my family. I think communication is essential and you have to trust as well. Follow your gut feeling. LDR is harder to work at than a "normal" relationship, some days, a phone call does not quite cut it, but then again, I do have a choice to move there with him...I just don't want to move my children away from their father, who is a great dad and very involved in their lives. Is moving with him a possibility for you? Have you talked to him about these issues? Can you take a step back and take a "time off" to see if that is what you really want? Hope this helps Best of luck Link to post Share on other sites
Author spinningmywheels Posted August 28, 2006 Author Share Posted August 28, 2006 thanks, tipoux, I'm glad to hear that even though you took a break you guys were able to get back together, it gives me hope. And I can totally understand why you wouldn't want to uproot your family - that's a lot of lives to disrupt. We've talked ad naseum about these issues. He definitely doesn't think there's as much wrong as I do - but I think he just buries his head in the sand (as in work work work and more work) and doesn't really pay attention. My gut says he's probably not cheating, but that his workaholic tendencies will never change (especially since he doesn't really seem to want to address the issue) and that I'll always be 3rd in his life (work, his dog, then me, if I'm lucky). If I really think hard about the facts and ignore my paranoid tendencies, I think it's a situation where he just takes me for granted and takes for granted that at one point he'll only have 1 job (instead of 1 fulltime job and 4 parttime ones) and magically, his life will be different. I think it's a question of priorities and how you structure your time... Then again, there was this very recent lie, and small personality changes plus the fact he seems very into this myspace page and wouldn't you know? after nearly 7 yrs I don't know who most of those people even are, let alone have i met them (he's since told me who they are, b/c I asked). He did try to get a job near me, we both thought there was a good chance of it happening and it was very emotional and upsetting for both of us when it didn't. Problem is I feel like I love him more than ever in some respects... even when he's thoughtless or doesn't pay basic attention to my life and stuff. I never thought I'd be one of those girls!! Link to post Share on other sites
tipoux Posted August 28, 2006 Share Posted August 28, 2006 Spinning, Could your issues be more than the LDR ? Maybe you could try distancing (emotionaly) yourself a bit. Try and find hobbies and other things to do. If you are anything like me, I was waiting by the phone and was litteraly putting my life on hold for him. I think it was too much of a burden for him and it was only making me more upset. So I changed my way of handling this by living my life instead of always feeling like I was putting it on hold. We still have our difficulties, sometimes he can't make it out here and I can go for 3 weeks without seeing him. I know its not because he does not love me, I think he is doing overtime to take me on a trip. He has 3 daughters too, so I know and want him to take care of them as well. Remember, being in a LDR is a choice we make and even if it is a hard one, we can always bail out, or move together (in the same town). After 4 years, I know we are closer to being together, or if we chose to continu in a LDR, I'm ok with it...for now. I my feelings change about it, I will let him know and see if we can come up with another solution. Link to post Share on other sites
LittleWingedOne Posted August 28, 2006 Share Posted August 28, 2006 The only tell tale sign for me would be, being bored with them, or the realization that its never going to be not-long distance. Or finding someone else, etc Link to post Share on other sites
Author spinningmywheels Posted August 29, 2006 Author Share Posted August 29, 2006 Oh, I have friends, and hobbies, tipoux. I work full time. Heck for a while I was working a lot more than full time and right now I'm looking for a part time job as well. I'm close with my family. I'd go out more in general, if it weren't for my financial issues. It's just that at some point - you need to see them, need to know they miss you too, ya know? And after reading these message boards for a couple of weeks I really get the sense that my 2hr separation is so manageable - if only I wasn't the only one doing all the heavy lifting. Yeah, I think our issues are definitely more than LDR, but the distance has made me feeling like i'm stuck (hence the name spinningmywheels. creative, huh? ) Like we can't really work on anything (or at least that's how it seems) The weird thing is that when we're together, the last 6 months to a year, i'd say, it's been better than ever... Link to post Share on other sites
RecordProducer Posted August 29, 2006 Share Posted August 29, 2006 I'm new here but have been lurking for a bit. You all seem like thoughtful people - not sure if this is the right place to post this but I'm curious: When is it time to end a long distance relationship? Are there any telltale signs (I would consider cheating one, but that's just me)? Do you rely on your gut? If the other person says they want to be with you, etc., but the actions don't bear it out, do you go with words or actions more? If you do everything you can to improve things, and nothing sticks, what then? Does that mean it's time? Thanks in advance....Well LDRs are specific in their nature and diffrent from regular relationships. If he spends many hours every day talking to you then yes, he loves you and you have a perspective. If he avoids you but talks sweet then it's probably bullsh*t. Also if he does some sacrifice to see you once in a while, it's a good sign. If you talk on the phone every day, it's also a good sign. Link to post Share on other sites
MickieJ Posted August 30, 2006 Share Posted August 30, 2006 Over the years I have posted in here, encouraging others to keep trying with the LDR's. For the last two years, I was in an LDR, after living with my significant other for 6 yrs. During the LDR things were pretty good and we traded off traveling monthly to be with each other. Two yrs back we pledged monogamy as he prepared himself to leave for a better job. We are only 3 hrs apart. We used email and phones to stay in contact. During the last 6 mos my time was zapped with family issues, but those are solved, and it it at last time for me. I have 5-6 yrs before retirement and he has about 14. This last week-end visit saw it all crash. I found out...he wouldn't admit to it....that he has been seeing other ladies. Finally in an email he fessed up that it was only for dinners and nothing more. OH PLEASE. Honesty has to be number one in any relationship, but certainly in an LDR. He prescribes to the idealogy of "what she doesn't know won't hurt her". I prescribe to the idealogy of "karma....bites back eventually." Still I think LDR can work...but my bottom line for both parties....hey, be honest. When, if your emotions start to change, then talk about it. Deal with it, and make a decision you both can live with. Link to post Share on other sites
Author spinningmywheels Posted August 30, 2006 Author Share Posted August 30, 2006 Oh MickieJ, that's horrible! Especially after having lived together and being together for so long (if I read your post right). I hate it when people subscribe to the "what they don't know won't hurt them" communication model. it's such bull. If there was nothing wrong with it, why not say so in the first place? Why hide it from someone? And the fact that he "admitted" it in an e-mail makes me agree with you that there's more going on than he said. Why not just call you and talk it out, ya know? That's so, so sucky. I hope you find someone you deserve... why do people do that? I'm in a milder version of the same thing: just caught the b/f in a lie, a bedroom related lie, and was stunned and hurt. Saw several small personality changes, was stunned. Had some very intense conversations in which I begged for honesty and nothing more, only to find out that even when I ask him a direct, specific question I still don't get a straight answer... yet he insists he loves me and that I'm the one for him,that he doesn't want space... Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts