An "I miss you" thread

[KittenMoon]

It's so often touted here that love, a person is an addiction. No one criticizes an alcoholic for wanting a drink as long as they don't take it. No one criticizes a drug addict for wanting a hit as long as they don't do it.

 

So can't we have a safe spot here just to say that you miss someone? Most of us are not calling them, etc anymore.

 

I miss him, and I will until I don't- his feelings and everyone else's be damned.

[KittenMoon]

No darling I am not asking this question out of any colored opinions of my ex. You are holding onto my past...I let it go. what I asked was a direct question. I am quite happy for my past adversity because I overcame it. And I see that it takes effort to not dwell over hurt to get through that.

 

My point simply was it's easier to let go of a difficult past than a good one. It's a longer process. Where are you at anyway? 10 months or so now?

[In Sync]

My point simply was it's easier to let go of a difficult past than a good one. It's a longer process. Where are you at anyway? 10 months or so now?

 

I'm not picking on you, but quite frankly despite the fact that I have never seen your face over a longer period over this threads I have come to deeply think and care about you and others who supported me. So I feel for you when you write that you still miss him. I know that my opinion means nothing and my opinions are to be damned ...and yes I'm much better and healtheir because I had your support. Sorry that I want that for you too. It'll be a year.

If you want to miss them do so, it just seems like a self destructive place to be.

[Teacher's Pet]

I recently wrote the following to my ex, but never mailed it. It felt good to get it off my chest, but as I'm typing it on here, I really feel like crap again. But again, it's theraputic, I guess.

 

------------------------------------------------------------

"B",

 

It's been over 2 months, and I still miss you. I think I'm over the actual "hurt" of the breakup, but I miss you more than I generally want to admit.

 

I sat down today to evaluate our relationship. I came up with 2 lists. A list of things I miss about you, and a list of things I don't.

 

Please bear with me, consider this closure for me.

 

"What I Miss About You"

 

1. Tons of text messages just saying "I miss you" or "I want you".

2. Going out for Monday Night Football with your friends and never really watching the game.

3. Shooting pool with your cousin on Thursday nights, knowing just sometimes, you let me win.

4. Playing Trivial Pursuit in bed, knowing sometimes, I let you win.

5. Renting DVD's and ordering chinese food and just snuggling on your couch.

6. Making fun of your ex-roommate's loser boyfriend, sometimes with him IN the room, using our "private jokes"

7. Watching, sometimes helping you grade papers, even though you know I'm totally clueless about math.

8. When you'd cook dinner for me, and let me at least microwave something so I felt like I was "helping mommy" (lol)

9. Going to Devils games with you, and seeing who can be the more obnoxious fan.

10. Playing "name that tune" with the radio, and always losing!

11. Running into your students when we are in public, and seeing how much they adore you, and feeling proud to be YOUR man.

12. Spending time at your parents house, feeling part of a family for once in my life.

13. You sneaking into bed with me at your parents house in the middle of the night, knowing devout Catholics would frown on their unmarried daughter getting in bed with her Jewish boyfriend (who isn't so bad, for a Jew lol)

14. Going clothes shopping with you, and letting you pick out my clothes, because if I had my way, I'd wear jeans and t-shirts to a funeral.

15. Checking out women in clubs together, since we BOTH like women.

16. Fantasizing "What if?" about said women, but knowing that we'd probably never really do it anyway.

17. Everytime you call me "baby".

18. Being able to listen to certain songs, and knowing that those songs were written ONLY for us. "Hello" by Lionel Ritchie, especially, since it was the first song we made love to.

19. Going to clubs to hear bands neither of us really like, but going anyway to support our friends who are into them, anyway.

20. Not going 10 minutes without slipping a Honeymooners, National Lampoon's Vacation, or Mel Brooks reference into conversation.

21. The time when you yelled at your dog for licking my face while you were .........., and then we both laughed about it for hours.

22. The way you'd do the total unexpected to seduce me.... Coming out of your bathroom wearing ONLY beads for Mardi Gras.....assaulting me on the couch while watching TV during the commercials.....

23. The way you'd wrap your leg around mine while we slept together. You probably don't know it, but I always woke up when you did, and never felt more loved at any other time in my life when you did it.

24. The way you'd wake me up if I was snoring to loud, and then "shush" me, and gently kiss me back to sleep.

 

(25 and on are various sexual things, which I'll refrain from posting, for purposes of modesty)

 

Now, sweetie, with that said, our relationship was far from perfect, and even though I rarely said anything, there are a lot of things that bugged me, that I DON'T miss about you.

 

1. Letting "T" (her ex-roommate/girlfriend) enter the conversation, reminding me of your past.

2. The way you'd bring work home with you, emotionally. Whatever happens at work should stay at work. I come to you with love in my heart, and I deserve the same.

3. How you let your friends influence your choices about US.

4. How you hide so much from your family (your bisexuality, and your financial ties to "T", which you've been hiding forever)

5. How when things weren't "perfect", you'd find an excuse to break up, only to come back running the next day, batting your eyes, and shaking your ass at me. I'm a man. We need affection at all times, and you know that, and use it against me. At least I know the "imperfections" were NOT my fault.

6. How text messages have become an acceptable method of making major announcements, such as breaking up with the man whose proposal you had recently accepted.

 

And last but certainly not least: How you have no regrets about anything you've done to me, and have just been able to walk away from this with no remorse, while me, a decent guy who loved you, cared about you, would go to the ends of the earth for you, would willingly risk his own life just to keep you safe and secure, suffers, feels alone, and has lost his way in life completely because I gave you my heart and you crushed it with your bare hands.

 

Since our breakup, I've practically vanished from the comedy scene, and even passed up some opportunities to advance my career. Why? Thanks to you, I don't "feel funny" anymore. The last time I got on stage, it took everything in my power to "recite" my act. I didn't even "perform it", I just recited it from memory. I've lost my edge. In time, the hurt and frustration I feel will turn to satire, as it as in the past with me, and I'll move on, but I didn't want it to happen this way.

 

Since our breakup, I stopped going to therapy. I started when we were dating because I wanted to fix a few things within myself, and one of the reasons was so I could be a better, more attentive boyfriend to you, and one day, be that perfect husband I promised to you on March 30th, or have your forgotten? Yes, I was doing a lot of things for ME, but part of MY happiness came from the happiness I gave to you, or at least THOUGHT I did.

 

Since our breakup, I've stopped going to the gym for the most part. Even though I actually enjoy working out, it always seemed like you were "with me in spirit" at the gym, coaxing me on, being "the coach" to me, like you are to your track team. I always loved telling you about my workout, and you replying with things like "Well, you sweat this morning, now I'm REALLY going to make you sweat" - and meaning it.

 

Since our breakup, the hurt of my past, which you had NOTHING to do with, is back, and worse than ever. I was a horrible boyfriend to "H" (my gf from 1995-2000), and I always promised myself if I got a chance to again be with someone special, I'd go out of my way to do things the RIGHT way, which I really did with you. With "H", I lost a child. At least with you, all I lost was 10 months (including the 4 when we were "just friends") of my life, but the pain is still great.

 

Since our breakup, I've truly lost my way in life. Maybe it's because I'm not getting the help I need, or because I give too much of myself to people who hurt me, but the "way" I found for myself over the last couple of years has come to a grinding halt.

 

As much as I can't stop thinking of you, I know you are wrong for me, but I can't convince my heart of that.

 

All I wish is to be more like you and learn to "turn off my heart" the way you did to me. All I ask is that you release my heart from your grip.

 

I will always love you, because for a time, you let me BE me. You let me love in MY way, and I know you DID love me, even if that love didn't last as long as mine did for you.

 

As much as this hurts me to say it, I wish nothing but the best for you in the future. I hope that any man who is lucky enough to be with you treats you at least half as well as I did, because you know I made you a priority in my life, and you deserve that much.

 

I just hope you learn from your shortcomings so the next man who comes along and treats your well fares better than I did.

 

Please give my regards to your parents, and best wishes to your cousin on his upcoming wedding.

 

Take care,

 

Me.

 

------------------------------------

 

And before anyone asks, YES, "21" is exactly what you are thinking it was, and "25 and on", well, a gentleman never tells. (Unless you really wanna know lol)

 

I actually feel a bit better now.........well, until the next Lionel Ritchie or Bon Jovi song comes on, then I'll be a wreck again, but for now, I'm cool.

 

-tp

[KittenMoon]

I'm not picking on you, but quite frankly despite the fact that I have never seen your face over a longer period over this threads I have come to deeply think and care about you and others who supported me. So I feel for you when you write that you still miss him. I know that my opinion means nothing and my opinions are to be damned ...and yes I'm much better and healtheir because I had your support. Sorry that I want that for you too. It'll be a year.

If you want to miss them do so, it just seems like a self destructive place to be.

 

I sort of think it's therapeutic. I've stopped trying to deny myself I want that drink, y'know? So I want him, or rather I want what we had back because lord knows he's not there anymore, but I can't have it. So I ask myself- how do I deal with that?

 

In Sync- your opinions do matter- I just think there are a lot of different roads to recovery- unfortuantely some are just longer than others.

[In Sync]

I sort of think it's therapeutic. I've stopped trying to deny myself I want that drink, y'know? So I want him, or rather I want what we had back because lord knows he's not there anymore, but I can't have it. So I ask myself- how do I deal with that?

 

In Sync- your opinions do matter- I just think there are a lot of different roads to recovery- unfortuantely some are just longer than others.

 

 

honestly KM. If I wrote you saw me writing on his this thread tha I was still missing my ex. I can imagine what you would tell me. I know you wouldn't let me go back to anywhere near that place I had been. But as you said if your way to deal with it, but I still stand by my original question I posted earlier in ths thread.

[KittenMoon]

honestly KM. If I wrote you saw me writing on his this thread tha I was still missing my ex. I can imagine what you would tell me. I know you wouldn't let me go back to anywhere near that place I had been. But as you said if your way to deal with it, but I still stand by my original question I posted earlier in ths thread.

 

From your posts, you've said your ex was verbally abusive and didn't respect you much. So I certainly would never say stay in that place- when it comes to abuse, I would definitely say "just move on". But it also helps to just be honest. I am sure there is part of you that still misses the good times with him, if you can ignore the bad.

 

I've just found the most helpful thing my therapist has been having me do (and it costs me enough that I'd like to impart a little here as well) has been to force me to stay on the "feeling" thing. Whenever I try to shy away from letting myself feel anger, sadness, etc, she gets me back and basically forces me talk about why, what at that moment exactly is causing it. And it really helps to be able to admit it out loud instead of bottling it up. Instead of making excuses for those feelings, FEEL them.

 

For instance, today I miss him because I dreamed of him last night. I miss him because I couldn't block the picture of him in the produce section at our grocery store smiling at me. Because I saw some books I wanted to buy him at the flea market and I couldn't.

 

It sucks, but it hurts to have to avoid it as well, which is why I wanted this thread to be a "safe place", y'know?

[Ariadne]

Hi,

 

So I want him, or rather I want what we had back because lord knows he's not there anymore, but I can't have it. So I ask myself- how do I deal with that?

 

Be his friend.

 

You have to.

 

Ariadne

[KittenMoon]

Hi,

 

So I want him, or rather I want what we had back because lord knows he's not there anymore, but I can't have it. So I ask myself- how do I deal with that?

 

Be his friend.

 

You have to.

 

Ariadne

 

Ariadne- sometimes your responses scare me a bit.

[Winfield]

Hey! Did I not specifically say no judgments at the beginning of this thread?!!!!

 

Can we just have one spot where it's ok to say "I miss you"?

 

Well pardon me for thinking different...

 

It wasn't a judgement, it was more of an observation, that's all...

[LaraV]

Can I ask you guys on this thread a serious question....and this is not in any way meant to be antagonistic...but how would you feel if your ex's saw all that you had written here...still missing them. what do you think their reaction would be if they knew you were still hankering or missing them?? Do you think they are going through this amount of grieving for you??

 

Nope. I don't think he's "suffering" the way I am, nor do I think he's "grieving" over losing me. So what? I do. I think Johan had a point. Missing someone is a feeling, and I really can't just *turn off* that switch, you know. Yes, it's true that to a certain extent you can control the intensity of one's emotions, and I've been good in the sense that I'm not calling him, e-mailing him, knocking on his door, etc. Because I know that will set me back. But I do miss him; doesn't matter how good or bad he was for me. Point is I miss him, and that will stop whenver it has to stop. I'm not one to repress my feelings. I'd rather just plunge deep into them and then from that work through it.

 

I very much admire the place you're at In Sync, and you're one of my favorite posters here. But I think there's nothing wrong with expressing my feelings about missing him. It's a fact. I feel it. I just can't deny it, or say, "oh heart, stop missing him." I'm sure my heart will get there eventually. But I ain't gonna rush it. It will take however long it takes, you know?

[In Sync]

I know it's hard for you to believe it but no I don't miss my ex. I hurt I grieved and I made an effort overcome. Once again you are hanging on to my past. Not I. There is nothing unsafe on this thread because an opinion that is opposite from yours. That's being paranoid. There's no threat coming from me or anyone that asks why are you doing this to yourself.

[Winfield]

I didn't realize missing someone was a choice. I guess you're saying that feelings can be switched on and off at will.

 

Not at all - but by reminding yourself of all the wrongs in a past relationship, etc...obviously it's going to re-open old wounds, hence making "moving on" more difficult?

[KittenMoon]

I know it's hard for you to believe it but no I don't miss my ex. I hurt I grieved and I made an effort overcome. Once again you are hanging on to my past. Not I. There is nothing unsafe on this thread because an opinion that is opposite from yours. That's being paranoid. There's no threat coming from me or anyone that asks why are you doing this to yourself.

 

WHoa. I didn't mean to stir anything up. If you miss nothing, that's good. Excellent in fact.

 

And I didn't mean to give the impression that I thought your opinion was wrong. I don't even think it's opposite. But I do think some people are threatened when people say "Why are you doing this to yourself?" It can make them feel like they are doing something wrong. Like they are being accused of something. And that's not a good feeling, even if that's no where near what you meant it to be, which I know it isn't. That's all I wanted to get across.

[LaraV]

Also, In Sync, cut KM some slack. She was with her ex for years. One cannot seriously expect someone to just move on that quickly after a few months. That is a big chunk of her life she spent and invested in someone. Honestly, if she wasn't missing him still, I'd be worried that there's something wrong with her. Seems to me her feelings are very normal. She's also strong enough to not have those feelings control her life. She has expressed time and again how tiring it is to sometimes put on a "happy" face to the rest of the world because it seems that when it comes to break ups everyone expects you to be over it so soon. I understand where the sentiment comes from. It hurts to see those we care about suffering, especially over someone who might not have been that good for them. But the point is that it takes so long to build a relationship of trust and love that one can't possible expect the emotional goodbye to be that quick to come. It takes time to build a relationship and it takes time to say goodbye. So let her say goodbye as much as is necessary. Because it IS necessary, but more imporantly, as KM I'm sure already knows, it's not going to be on anybody else's timetable but hers.

[In Sync]

Nope. I don't think he's "suffering" the way I am, nor do I think he's "grieving" over losing me. So what? I do. I think Johan had a point. Missing someone is a feeling, and I really can't just *turn off* that switch, you know. Yes, it's true that to a certain extent you can control the intensity of one's emotions, and I've been good in the sense that I'm not calling him, e-mailing him, knocking on his door, etc. Because I know that will set me back. But I do miss him; doesn't matter how good or bad he was for me. Point is I miss him, and that will stop whenver it has to stop. I'm not one to repress my feelings. I'd rather just plunge deep into them and then from that work through it.

 

I very much admire the place you're at In Sync, and you're one of my favorite posters here. But I think there's nothing wrong with expressing my feelings about missing him. It's a fact. I feel it. I just can't deny it, or say, "oh heart, stop missing him." I'm sure my heart will get there eventually. But I ain't gonna rush it. It will take however long it takes, you know?

 

Of course there is nothing wrong about missing him. Basically I'm pointing out that this missing them thread is tantamount to misery loves company. That's why there is so much opposition to my post. Because that means someone is saying get over it. Take control over your emotions and direct them to a positive outlook.

[KittenMoon]

Not at all - but by reminding yourself of all the wrongs in a past relationship, etc...obviously it's going to re-open old wounds, hence making "moving on" more difficult?

 

Who said there were necessarily wrongs? Like LaraV said- every person is a unique presence in our life we will never be able to replace. It's ok to miss that (unless that unique presence was abusive of course ).

[Ariadne]

Hi,

 

Ariadne- sometimes your responses scare me a bit.

 

I know it is scary to be his friend.

 

Very scary, but is your only choice at this point.

 

Ariadne

[KittenMoon]

Of course there is nothing wrong about missing him. Basically I'm pointing out that this missing them thread is tantamount to misery loves company. That's why there is so much opposition to my post. Because that means someone is saying get over it. Take control over your emotions and direct them to a positive outlook.

 

I think it's positive to be able to say "I miss this" or "I miss that". That doesn't mean someone isn't taking on a positive outlook.

 

I just thought people might find strength in the fact that other are "missing" too, outloud, without guilt or shame at their feelings.

[KittenMoon]

Hi,

 

Ariadne- sometimes your responses scare me a bit.

 

I know it is scary to be his friend.

 

Very scary, but is your only choice at this point.

 

Ariadne

 

Actually, I've chosen to keep my distance. I am his friend, in a very distant, non-communicative, for emergencies only sort of way.

[LaraV]

That's why there is so much opposition to my post. Because that means someone is saying get over it. Take control over your emotions and direct them to a positive outlook.

 

Ah, c'mon In Sync. I'm sure you know there is a fine line between taking control of your emotions (which is very adviseable sometimes) to repressing and just stuffing down emotions that need to be expressed.

[In Sync]

I think it's positive to be able to say "I miss this" or "I miss that". That doesn't mean someone isn't taking on a positive outlook.

 

I just thought people might find strength in the fact that other are "missing" too, outloud, without guilt or shame at their feelings.

 

OMG...who said you should feel guilt or shame? How does guilt move anybody to a better place. You clearly don't want to see my point. And I can't be anymore clearer. It's also about obsessive thinking.

[Ariadne]

Hi,

 

but how would you feel if your ex's saw all that you had written here...still missing them.

 

I hope he is reading what I write here...

 

He knows about this place.

 

And if you are, you, T, I miss you!

 

(But you know that already)

 

Ariadne

__________________

♥ ~ ♥ ~ ♥ ~ ♥ ~ ♥ ~ ♥

[KittenMoon]

OMG...who said you should feel guilt or shame? How does guilt move anybody to a better place. You clearly don't want to see my point. And I can't be anymore clearer. It's also about obsessive thinking.

 

Geez- In Sync you are taking this way more harsh than I mean it. I totally see your point! Don't hang onto the past. Look forward, with a positive light. Honestly, I do get it. ANd honestly, I personally try to. But my past will always be there, which is a big thing to deal with in itself.

 

Can you understand that by asking people "WHY are you thinking about your ex/missing them/etc" that they could take it as accusatory and it could possibly cause feelings of shame or guilt?

[Ariadne]

Hi,

 

Actually, I've chosen to keep my distance. I am his friend, in a very distant, non-communicative, for emergencies only sort of way.

 

Yeah, but he is your soulmate...He is not just any guy.

 

Some other people here I'd say they are better off forgetting. But in your case, he is your soulmate, you don't abandon a soulmate just like that.

 

You have to reach out. Even as friends.

 

Or you'll be missing him forever,

 

Ariadne