why is she not in love with me anymore

[mikebama]

Sorry for the long post

 

My wife of 12 years has asked me to move out and told me that she wants a divorce.....She told me on Monday night 8/21....for the past week or so she has been ignoring me or blowing me off and since last Sunday she would leave and be gone for 3-5 hours at the time with excuses like I was going to the storer etc etc...Well Monday night the crap hit the fan....We had planned to go and work out together and when she gets home from work I am talking to her about it....and she says sorry I have made plans to go workout with my girlfriends from work.....and she was like it totally did not matter...then I asked her to come and watch some Tv with me until it was time for her to go..she was online..and said ok let me email my fiend back and I will...welll 5 mins turned to 10 and 10 to 30 so I came upstairs and asked her if she was coming down....and she said no that she had to go to the store....I completely lost it and asked he not to go..we got into a huge arguement and as she was leaving I slammed to door and screamed i was so mad...well she is gone for like 4 hrs and I am worried sick calling her cell phone and leaving vm's and still no reply....finally she pulls up and I rush out to the car to give her a big hug and tell her I am sorry and she says get away feom me I have had it with your anger and temper and smothering.....we had another huge fight because I refused to go to bed I felt we should have talked about it ....finally I went to bed hardly slept the entire night...i woke her up for work Tues and tell her I thik we should both stay home from work today and talk it out and she tells me that their is nothing to talk about she is done and does not want to go to counseling.....I was devasted.....then she tells me that she has been having these feelings for a long time...and was scared of being alone so she did not tell me....Well it turns out that she has met a man online and has been talking to him all night long on the computer and phone and that have a special connection....and that she loves him......but she told me that he was not the reason she did not love me anymore and that she has only been talking tohim for a week....I knew that we have had problems for the past year or so but not to this extent....Know she talks to this guy online all the time and stays up all night long on the phone with him....I am so devasted I still love her as much as I did the day I met her even though she is putting me through hell......I am hoping once I give her her space when I move out she will realize that she misses me and still is in love with me..... mean while I have not eaten since monday night and have not slept more than 4 hours a night.......I have lost 13 lbs in 4 days and I don't care about anything anymore....We have a 11 year old son and we have told him we are splitting up and he says he understands I need help and advice What should I do?

 

Thanks

sad and depressed

[Ladyjane14]

.....I am hoping once I give her her space when I move out she will realize that she misses me and still is in love with me..... mean while I have not eaten since monday night and have not slept more than 4 hours a night.......I have lost 13 lbs in 4 days and I don't care about anything anymore....We have a 11 year old son and we have told him we are splitting up and he says he understands I need help and advice What should I do?

 

First things first. You need to eat, sleep and rest like a normal person. I know it's hard, but you HAVE TO. If you can't do it for yourself just now... do it for your son. It's important that you take a little extra care of yourself during times of stress. A healthy body will help you keep your mind sharp, right?

 

Remember this too... If you are not in control of your emotions, your emotions are in control of YOU. No more outbursts. Nothing positive can by accomplished be losing your cool. (What's worse... you don't want to give her an excuse to call the cops and get a restraining order.)

 

Now.... Why are YOU moving out of the family home?

Your wife is the one who is having an affair and wants to end the marriage, so why isn't SHE the one moving out? Why should you lose your home and daily contact with your kid just because she flaked out?

 

One of the very first things that needs to be accomplished here is that REALITY intrude on your wife's fantasy affair. The reality of life is that we don't always get what we want just the way we want it. She wants you to move out. Fine. But that doesn't mean you have to do it.

 

See an attorney instead. And start introducing REALITY into the equation. Chances are, she won't be able to keep her lifestyle the way she imagines. You'll feel better when you know your options too. Your priority should be to stay in the home and to keep your son there too.

 

She's going to be angry when she doesn't get her way. No doubt about it. But don't respond to that and don't let her 'yank your chain'. She'll try to manipulate you with threats of immediate divorce.... but don't respond to that either.

She'll insist that the ONLY way this can be worked out is if you give her "space". It's a feint, used in order to manipulate you into compliance. Don't buy into it.

 

See an attorney, and then start working on YOURSELF. Identify and address any problems that YOU brought to the table. Get into IC (individual counseling) if you need help with that.

 

Be pleasant. Be sweet. Be attractive. .... But don't back down.

[Guest]

My husband left me after 12 years of marriage for a woman he found on the internet. We separtated and he was POSITIVE our marriage was over. We even told our children (9&11) that things could not be worked-out between us. One month later after he moved into an apartment. Finally I felt confident enough to move onand give up on reconciliation. He then realized his internet affair was not realistic and he was afraid he would lose me. He claimed he still loved me and wanted to move back home. At first I was happy, but soon realized how angry what he had done to our family.

 

Six months later we are still separated, but he still wants back. I am not sure how my story will end, but if I could go back to the day he left me I would not have begged and let myself panic like I did. I also lost 15 pounds in about two weeks feeling depressed. Hang in there and let her come around. If she feels you may not be waiting around for her to come back ande she realizes the Internet relationship is really just a fantasy, she will probably come around.

[Gunny376]

Why should you move out? About the only thing moving out is going to get you for sure and certain is a set of divorce papers. Once you move out, the chances of reconlcilation or statistically almost non-exsistent. You're done! Its over! DOA! All that's left is to get a mop, a bucket, and a preacher to say the last rights.

 

What you do need to do is just ~ chill! In the meantime, I would sugguest you get into some counseling to learn how to gain the self discipline and self control over your emotions ~ especially the anger. If you're not in control of your emotions ~ they're in control of you!

 

Meanwhile other than the day to day ~ just leave the wife alone and let her be. That's right ~ just let her come and go as she wants. Absolutely no controlling, guiding, directing, telling, ~ zilch, nadda. That's a short term answer to a long term problem. But that's what you need to do at this particular moment in time.

 

What you need right now is time to get your head together and to get your act together. What you need right now is time to come up with a plan A and a plan B. What you need right now is to be working on you!

 

Don't make this hard on the wife, but don't roll over like a dog either. What you need to do right now is acquire gazzelle intensity and focus on yourself ~ not the wife, not the marriage. Its not complicated ~ but it is difficult. What you need to be working on right this particular moment in time is patience, balance, and disconntecting the buttons that the wife can punch. She starts pushing your buttons, ~ she gets zero response, or at least a calm one.

 

If this thing does go to divorce ~ you're screwing yourself big time by moving out of the house. She can calim you abandoned her and the DS. And, what they say about possession is 9/10th of the law is very true. So just from that aspect, you shouldn't leave the house ~ unless the situation has deteriated to the point where the two of you are getting physically violent. But, for right now, just stop and refuse to fight anymore! Anything curve balls she throws at you ~ you become an Zen~Tao Monk.

 

Keep posting

[superconductor]

Remember this too... If you are not in control of your emotions, your emotions are in control of YOU. No more outbursts. Nothing positive can by accomplished be losing your cool.

you get into some counseling to learn how to gain the self discipline and self control over your emotions ~ especially the anger. If you're not in control of your emotions ~ they're in control of you!

Exactly. Reason #1552 why men should keep their emotions to themselves.

[Gunny376]

To help you with your mood and sleep.

 

Go to WalMart, the vitamin and herbal section, get some SAM-e (its a natural hormone your body produces) and take 400 mg x 2 for a week. It'll take about a week to kick in. It'll help with you being more positive and seeing things more positively

 

For sleep, get some Melatonin (another hormone your body produces to regulate your sleep ~ its what sets your biological clock ~ airline pilots who fly the coast to coast redeye use it) I use the 3mg, and take two a half hour before you go to bed. It won't knock you out. But, it will make you sleep, and you won't lay there obsessing, tossing and turning.

 

Both are over the counter, non-perscription, and non-addictive.

[Gunny376]

Sorry for the long post

 

My wife of 12 years has asked me to move out and told me that she wants a divorce.....She told me on Monday night 8/21....for the past week or so she has been ignoring me or blowing me off and since last Sunday she would leave and be gone for 3-5 hours at the time with excuses like I was going to the storer etc etc...Well Monday night the crap hit the fan....We had planned to go and work out together and when she gets home from work I am talking to her about it....and she says sorry I have made plans to go workout with my girlfriends from work.....and she was like it totally did not matter...then I asked her to come and watch some Tv with me until it was time for her to go..she was online..and said ok let me email my fiend back and I will...welll 5 mins turned to 10 and 10 to 30 so I came upstairs and asked her if she was coming down....and she said no that she had to go to the store....I completely lost it and asked he not to go..we got into a huge arguement and as she was leaving I slammed to door and screamed i was so mad...well she is gone for like 4 hrs and I am worried sick calling her cell phone and leaving vm's and still no reply....finally she pulls up and I rush out to the car to give her a big hug and tell her I am sorry and she says get away feom me I have had it with your anger and temper and smothering.....we had another huge fight because I refused to go to bed I felt we should have talked about it ....finally I went to bed hardly slept the entire night...i woke her up for work Tues and tell her I thik we should both stay home from work today and talk it out and she tells me that their is nothing to talk about she is done and does not want to go to counseling.....I was devasted.....then she tells me that she has been having these feelings for a long time...and was scared of being alone so she did not tell me....Well it turns out that she has met a man online and has been talking to him all night long on the computer and phone and that have a special connection....and that she loves him......but she told me that he was not the reason she did not love me anymore and that she has only been talking tohim for a week....I knew that we have had problems for the past year or so but not to this extent....Know she talks to this guy online all the time and stays up all night long on the phone with him....I am so devasted I still love her as much as I did the day I met her even though she is putting me through hell......I am hoping once I give her her space when I move out she will realize that she misses me and still is in love with me..... mean while I have not eaten since monday night and have not slept more than 4 hours a night.......I have lost 13 lbs in 4 days and I don't care about anything anymore....We have a 11 year old son and we have told him we are splitting up and he says he understands I need help and advice What should I do?

 

Thanks

sad and depressed

 

If you go back and read your initial post ~ taking your time, to take in and give conisderation to each and every word ~ you can see that the two of you are caught up in this down-ward spirial, like a fighter plane that is spiraling down to the grond, about to crash. You've got negative energy, words, and actions feeding upon itself. Pretty soon it takes on a life of itself.

 

One or both person has to recognize this and dogginly refuse in any shape, form or fashion to contribute ~ that person is going to have to be you.

[ilmw]

To help you with your mood and sleep.

 

 

For sleep, get some Melatonin (another hormone your body produces to regulate your sleep ~ its what sets your biological clock ~ airline pilots who fly the coast to coast redeye use it) I use the 3mg, and take two a half hour before you go to bed. It won't knock you out. But, it will make you sleep, and you won't lay there obsessing, tossing and turning.

 

Yup it works.... I probably did not have a decent night sleep for about 4 months.. took these... and I actually woke up feeling refreshed.... That in itself can make what you are going through easier... cause all this crap can/and will wear you down..

 

PS thx..Guns..again;) More good advise.

[mikebama]

Well the reason I am moving out is because I cannot be around this house any longer especially when she is talking to this guy ALL the time....I heard how telling him how much she loved him today and I broke down in front of her and begged and pleaded with her to go to counseling with me...and she told me no and that its over and that she has not been in love with me for 6 months or so...and that she was scared of being alone and then she met this guy( who I found out is still married living with his wife and in the process of going through the same things) that he gave her the confidence to tell me its over....Thanks for all the advice I do realize that I need help with my anger and control issues and I am in couseling for these things...I am willing to do anything to make this work.....I just dont know if that matters anymore....

[Ladyjane14]

.....this guy( who I found out is still married living with his wife and in the process of going through the same things)

 

Great. Now.... you expose the affair to the other guy's wife.

Don't tell your wife you're doing it either, and certainly don't negotiate with her about it. Just do it.

 

This is going to accomplish two things for you. One, it's going to cause the OM to have to expend some of his energy in putting out his own fires on the homefront instead of frittering his time away with your wife. Two, it's going to take some of the glamour out the affair.

 

Affairs are fun for the WS (wayward spouse) because of the FANTASY element. When REAL LIFE starts intruding... they aren't quite so much fun anymore.

 

You are making a mistake in moving out of your home before consulting with an attorney. I want you to be aware of that. You're responding to your emotions.... and you're not thinking clearly. You're leaving your wife with the high ground, and you'll be PAYING her child support with which she can continue to fund her affair unabated. You're establishing precedent before you go to settlement on the divorce.

 

SEE AN ATTORNEY NOW. Don't move out of your home until you have taken this step. No joke.

 

Read a copy of Surviving An Affair by W. Harley, and read through the Basic Concepts section and the How To Survive Infidelity section over at marriagebuilders.com. Pay close attention to the article, What Are Plan A and Plan B down at the bottom of the left inset box on the HT Survive Infidelity page.

 

Call your health insurance company and get a list of preferred providers as well as an overview of any mental health benefits you might have. Then arrange counseling on your anger issues. You will feel more emotionally supported when you're receiving detailed advice.

[Ladyjane14]

Well the reason I am moving out is because I cannot be around this house any longer especially when she is talking to this guy ALL the time....

 

p.s. Do NOT respond to her behavior. Treat her like a room-mate. Be courteous, but don't engage her in discussions of your relationship.

 

Here's a list of Michelle Weiner Davis's 180's. You can get more info on her website. Start utilizing this list NOW:

 

 

 

1. Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or

implore!

2. No frequent phone calls

3. Do not point out good points in marriage

4. Do not follow him around the house

5. Do not encourage talk about the future

6. Do not ask for help from family members

7. Do not ask for reassurances

8. Do not buy gifts

9. Do not schedule dates together

10. Do not spy on spouse

11. Do not say "I Love You"

12. Act as if you are moving on with your life

13. Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive

14. Don't sit around waiting on your spouse - get

busy, do things, go to church, go out with friends,

etc.

15. When home with your spouse, (if you usually start

the conversation) be scarce or short on words

16. If you are in the habit of asking your spouse his

whereabouts, ASK NOTHING

17. You need to make your partner think that you have

had an awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you

are going to move on with your life, with or without

your spouse

18. Do not be nasty, angry or even cold - just pull

back and wait to see if spouse notices and, more

important, realize what he will be missing

19. No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show

your spouse happiness and contentment. Show him

someone he would want to be around.

20. All questions about marriage should be put on

hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which

may be a while)

21. Never lose your cool

22. Don't be overly enthusiiastic

23. Do not argue about how he feels (it only makes

their feelings stronger)

24. Be patient

25. Listen carefully to what your spouse is really

saying to you

26. Learn to back off, shut up and walk away when you

want to speak out

27. Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh &

focus on all the other parts of your life that are not

in turmoil)

28. Be strong and confident and learn to speak softly

29. Know that if you can do 180, your smallest

CONSISTENT actions will be noticed much more than any

words you can say or write

30. Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you

are hurting more than ever and are desperate and needy

31. Do not focus on yourself when communicating with

your spouse

32. Do not believe any of what you hear and less than

50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in

absolute negatives because he is hurting and scared

33. Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad

you feel

34. Do not backslide from your hardearned changes

[mikebama]

Great. Now.... you expose the affair to the other guy's wife.

Don't tell your wife you're doing it either, and certainly don't negotiate with her about it. Just do it.

 

This is going to accomplish two things for you. One, it's going to cause the OM to have to expend some of his energy in putting out his own fires on the homefront instead of frittering his time away with your wife. Two, it's going to take some of the glamour out the affair.

 

Affairs are fun for the WS (wayward spouse) because of the FANTASY element. When REAL LIFE starts intruding... they aren't quite so much fun anymore.

 

You are making a mistake in moving out of your home before consulting with an attorney. I want you to be aware of that. You're responding to your emotions.... and you're not thinking clearly. You're leaving your wife with the high ground, and you'll be PAYING her child support with which she can continue to fund her affair unabated. You're establishing precedent before you go to settlement on the divorce.

 

SEE AN ATTORNEY NOW. Don't move out of your home until you have taken this step. No joke.

 

Read a copy of Surviving An Affair by W. Harley, and read through the Basic Concepts section and the How To Survive Infidelity section over at marriagebuilders.com. Pay close attention to the article, What Are Plan A and Plan B down at the bottom of the left inset box on the HT Survive Infidelity page.

 

Call your health insurance company and get a list of preferred providers as well as an overview of any mental health benefits you might have. Then arrange counseling on your anger issues. You will feel more emotionally supported when you're receiving detailed advice.

 

Well his soon to be ex already knows about them...We are trying make this as easy as possible for my son...and neither one of us are getting a lawyer we are both agreeing to joint custody...he will stay with her during school days and me on the weekends during the school year...and in the summer we will take him every other week...could she still go after child support and alimony?

[Ladyjane14]

....could she still go after child support and alimony?

 

I don't know, kiddo.... that's what the lawyer's for.

I imagine that if she keeps the family home and is making less money than you are.... then yeah, she can probably get financial support from you. Could be just child support, but depending on your fiscal history together, maybe spousal support as well.

 

If you're going the amicable divorce route... my best suggestion to you is to get on board, get it done, and move on with your life. Even so.... see an attorney and make sure you're not going to find any unpleasant surprises further on down the pike.

[Gunny376]

amicable divorce route, yea I've heard of those, I've also heard of the Loch Ness Monstor, Bigfoot, and the Yeti, but I've never actually seen one.

 

Me? I get an attorney. You keep rolling over like a dog, your going to end up hanging on a lover's cross. The one that cares the less ~ is the one that controls the relationship ~ and that's not you Pal.

 

I'm from Alabama (I assume by your handle you are as well) and I also assume you currently live in Alabama. You don't need a lawyer ~ you need a lawyer like yesterday. Without one or using hers, your setting yourself up to be seriously screwed for many a year to come. If you use one attorney, you in essence are using hers, and he or she is not going to represent you in your best interest. I could sit here all night and tell you of the horror stories of men that get azz-raped in Alabama divorce court.

 

I wouldn't leave ~ she'd be the one leaving. She's the one that's having an affair. And, she wouldn't be taking my son with her when she's goes either. Not if I had to put him and the bathroom and bar the door with my body. No Sir! And, I wouldn't be beggin her to spit on me if I were to suddenly catch on fire, let alone stay! Forget her! She's disrespecting you, Man! She's disrespecting your family, your son, your home. You'd get fighting mad if I did half of what's she doing to you. You need to serioiusly man-up. I khow that hurts, but I'm telling you that for your own good. I'm telling your this as if you were my own son. I've been down my own personal version of this merry road before ~ and its not going to be pretty, and its not going to be fun.

 

She could be having sex with the SOB in my own house and I wouldn't leave! You need to listen to what you're being advised here ~ Lady Jane knows her stuff. You think things are bad, and can't get worse ~ guess a damn 'again".

 

The OM's wife knows? Give her a call! Take her out to lunch. Seems like to me that the two have a LOT in common! I'm sure she would be very motivated in talking with you!

 

If I were you, I'd be talking to an attorney about an "alienation of affection" lawsuit. That'll fly all day long in North Carolina ~ I don't know about other states. But, its worth looking into. Just the threat of it, should take the wind out of that fantasy ballon a little.

 

Even if what she's saying is true, its over! That's fine ~ even more reason to get ye to an attorney's office. Can't afford one? Dude, you seriously cannot afford to hire one. You think its bad now, you don't want to find yourself the otherside of this with your azz hanging in the wind.

 

I was where your at sixteen years ago. I was the best thing that ever happened to my XW and her third husband. I did everything that Lady Jane is telling you not to do, and didn't do everything she's telling you not do! She's giving you outstanding advice. Your azz needs to follow it ~ for real.

 

I know I'm coming down hard on you, but I'm speaking from hard earned experience. So is Lady Jane. You go "in-country" and into combat, forget what they taught you in boot camp, and infrantry training school, ~ listen to the guy that's on his second or third combat tour, and you might go home in something other than a body bag.

 

You come here looking for answers to the questions, and solutions to the problems, and when you hear them ~ you come back and say, "That square peg doesn't fit my round hole" WTF?

 

Go ahead! Do it your way! The hard way! And, when you DW is living in your house, with another man, eating meals off your plates, cooked in your pots, weaing your slippers, and has your son calling him Daddy, while sleeping in your bed.............................then you come back and talk to us. Ok!

[Gunny376]

Yup it works.... I probably did not have a decent night sleep for about 4 months.. took these... and I actually woke up feeling refreshed.... That in itself can make what you are going through easier... cause all this crap can/and will wear you down..

 

PS thx..Guns..again;) More good advise.

 

Better than a fifth of Jack Daniels whiskey! Yea! Its a life~saver!

[ilmw]

Better than a fifth of Jack Daniels whiskey! Yea! Its a life~saver!

 

In my case... Rum or tequila...(gotta love them margaritas)!!

 

just kidding... the booze route was not an option... I did not want to make a fool of myself... and harm the kids.. or burn bridges by acting and saying anything distructive.. which we all know we can do when... pisshed and emotional....

 

Its hard to act like a man when we are acting like a slathering idiot:p

 

Booze...bad... sleep, healthy food and exercise...good;)

 

Be smart..

ilmw

[robkris8079]

I am going through almost the exact same situation. I don't have that much wisdom being only 26 myself. I left my house when my wife said she needed a break. She started making some bad decisions that could affect the baby. I went back up and took my house and daughter back. Best thing I ever did. I didn't kick her out or anything. Though she will tell you otherwise. I just said to her that if she needed space she should find another place to live. Take your power back. Do what's in the best interest for your child and for you only. If you do that you will come out on top no matter what happens. Stay strong and talk to people.

[Gunny376]

In my case... Rum or tequila...(gotta love them margaritas)!!

 

just kidding... the booze route was not an option... I did not want to make a fool of myself... and harm the kids.. or burn bridges by acting and saying anything distructive.. which we all know we can do when... pisshed and emotional....

 

Its hard to act like a man when we are acting like a slathering idiot:p

 

Booze...bad... sleep, healthy food and exercise...good;)

 

Be smart..

ilmw

 

 

Redneck, THANK YOU VERY MUCH!

 

I've got some really bad memories involving me, a buddy, and two fifth's of tequila down in Tijuana, Mexico back in my younger days.

[mikebama]

amicable divorce route, yea I've heard of those, I've also heard of the Loch Ness Monstor, Bigfoot, and the Yeti, but I've never actually seen one.

 

Me? I get an attorney. You keep rolling over like a dog, your going to end up hanging on a lover's cross. The one that cares the less ~ is the one that controls the relationship ~ and that's not you Pal.

 

I'm from Alabama (I assume by your handle you are as well) and I also assume you currently live in Alabama. You don't need a lawyer ~ you need a lawyer like yesterday. Without one or using hers, your setting yourself up to be seriously screwed for many a year to come. If you use one attorney, you in essence are using hers, and he or she is not going to represent you in your best interest. I could sit here all night and tell you of the horror stories of men that get azz-raped in Alabama divorce court.

 

I wouldn't leave ~ she'd be the one leaving. She's the one that's having an affair. And, she wouldn't be taking my son with her when she's goes either. Not if I had to put him and the bathroom and bar the door with my body. No Sir! And, I wouldn't be beggin her to spit on me if I were to suddenly catch on fire, let alone stay! Forget her! She's disrespecting you, Man! She's disrespecting your family, your son, your home. You'd get fighting mad if I did half of what's she doing to you. You need to serioiusly man-up. I khow that hurts, but I'm telling you that for your own good. I'm telling your this as if you were my own son. I've been down my own personal version of this merry road before ~ and its not going to be pretty, and its not going to be fun.

 

She could be having sex with the SOB in my own house and I wouldn't leave! You need to listen to what you're being advised here ~ Lady Jane knows her stuff. You think things are bad, and can't get worse ~ guess a damn 'again".

 

The OM's wife knows? Give her a call! Take her out to lunch. Seems like to me that the two have a LOT in common! I'm sure she would be very motivated in talking with you!

 

If I were you, I'd be talking to an attorney about an "alienation of affection" lawsuit. That'll fly all day long in North Carolina ~ I don't know about other states. But, its worth looking into. Just the threat of it, should take the wind out of that fantasy ballon a little.

 

Even if what she's saying is true, its over! That's fine ~ even more reason to get ye to an attorney's office. Can't afford one? Dude, you seriously cannot afford to hire one. You think its bad now, you don't want to find yourself the otherside of this with your azz hanging in the wind.

 

I was where your at sixteen years ago. I was the best thing that ever happened to my XW and her third husband. I did everything that Lady Jane is telling you not to do, and didn't do everything she's telling you not do! She's giving you outstanding advice. Your azz needs to follow it ~ for real.

 

I know I'm coming down hard on you, but I'm speaking from hard earned experience. So is Lady Jane. You go "in-country" and into combat, forget what they taught you in boot camp, and infrantry training school, ~ listen to the guy that's on his second or third combat tour, and you might go home in something other than a body bag.

 

You come here looking for answers to the questions, and solutions to the problems, and when you hear them ~ you come back and say, "That square peg doesn't fit my round hole" WTF?

 

Go ahead! Do it your way! The hard way! And, when you DW is living in your house, with another man, eating meals off your plates, cooked in your pots, weaing your slippers, and has your son calling him Daddy, while sleeping in your bed.............................then you come back and talk to us. Ok!

 

Actually I was born in Alabama and have been living in Wisconsin for 2 years.....and the man she is talking to on the internet lives in Oklahoma so I know for a fact she has not cheated on me yet...We talked yesterday and are both going to file Pro-say and ahve no lawyers involved and both agreed to aks neither one for child support or alimony..as far as telling her to leave..I could not afford the place we live in know on my own...she makes more $ than me....We had a really civil talk yesterday and both agreed to do what was best in interest of our son...We want to make this as easy on him as possible God knows it will be hard enough.....So we agreed to reamain civil and keep it as less messy as possible for our sons sake. She is GREAT mom and she cares more about our son than anything in this world and I know she would never neglect or do anything to put him in harms way for ANY reason.. so as of right know this is the way we are going to do it unless things change..thanks for all the advice it really helped me to think about a lot of things.....First step for me to move on is to get out......maybe that will bring closure and possibly maybe that will make her realize how much she does love me and how much she truly misses me...but I am not getting my hopes up...

[DieselPWR]

I second everything that has been said before. The funny thing about divorce is that no matter what is said verbaly before the paperwork; no matter how civil you think it may be, and no matter how friendly the two of you are, there will come a point where all that ends. Suddenly things that you "Agreed" on are now nowhere to be seen or heard from; unless it is in writing, it can still come back to bite you in the butt.

Take my situation: Wife left me, all the bills, and dissappeared on me. She told me that she would pay half the rent for one month to give me a chance to get on my feet. When she saw that she couldn't get another lease without me releasing her from the one were in, she changed her tune. I suddendly "kicked" her out, left her with no place to stay, etc.There were a few things like that, that showed me that she was out for blood, no matter how clean I thought the break was.

So, my advice, as with all others, is at least consult with an attorney; They can tell you the ins and outs of your states particular laws, etc. Also, as others said, don't leave the house. You are just setting yourself there, not only on the abandonment thing, but that gives her more ammo to try and keep the house, etc. Do what you have to do, but just know that without an attorney, you are flying blind. I know, cause I went the first month without an attorney, until I got hit with some bills I didn't know I had.

Above ALL else, do not vent on her, or friends of hers; use us as impartial sounding boards. I will tell you that some people will not tell you what you want to hear( Gunny ) But I will guarentee you hear what you NEED to.

Best of luck man, stay strong, and take care of you.

Me

[Mz. Pixie]

You're getting good advice here-

 

but you're not listening.

 

Do not make any decisions now.

 

Right now, she's being nice to get what she wants- an easy divorce.

 

Don't let her tear your son's family apart so easy. If she wants to be free make her earn it!

 

There is no such thing as easy divorce!!!

 

I think you think that if you go the easy route you'll be out of the pain sooner than later- but it's not true- you won't. You still have to deal with this person for the rest of your son's life.

 

If she's up chatting all night with this guy- how does that work- having to work a full time job?? How can she be caring for her son when she's putting all that energy into a on line romance??

 

Right now you're in a battle for what's right for your son. Don't assume that you can give her custody and she will "Let you have him whenever you want" She won't.

 

DO NOT believe anything she says- she is not your wife- she's an alien who has no clue what she's doing.

 

DO NOT believe that the OM"s wife knows too. This is a online relationship for goodness sakes- the cheater always says that the other spouse knows- they have either been told that or made to believe it's true. It's usually not.

 

Have you visited marriage builders?? If not I encourage you to do so. Search for posts by Papa of 3. He is a guy who divorced too quickly and made poor decisions regarding custody and child support that he is now regretting horribly. Which is resulting in him having to go to court and refile- costing more money.

 

Besides, you still love her?? Don't move out. If you do then she's lost to you.

 

You say you can't listen to her talking to this OM?? That's a small price to pay to perhaps keep your family together for the sake of your son wouldn't you say??

[Gunny376]

You're actually are marrying three different people ~ potentially four

 

The one you think you're marrying

 

The one you're actually are marrying

 

And, the one that comes about as a result of having married you

 

And then there's potentialy the fourth person that you marry ~ the one that you meet in divorce court. Many a man has set in divorce court and thought "I can't believe that's the same woman I've been married to all these years!"

 

I know a guy who started going the amicable divorce route. By the time it was over he ended up shooting all of his cattle! LOL!

 

I also knew a First Sergeant in the Marines who intially went the amicable divorce route. By the time it was all over he ended up doing 19-1/2 years in the Corps without retiring.

 

Take a Fool's Advice and at least cousult with an attorney. The thing about Fool's is that you don't see to many old fools ~ that's because you don't get to be old consistently being a fool!

 

Everything that Lady Jane and I and others have been telling you ~ is what I was told when I went through it sixteen years ago. I rolled over, and tried to make the landing as soft as I could for my children. And, I thought it was all said and done when the divorce papers were signed, sealed and delivered. The games had just begun, shall we say. After the divorce papers were signed It was ON! Its taken me thirteen of the last sixteen years to get that HEX's meat hooks out of my back! I'm still buying all that stuff that I had already bought ~ over again. (Its the craziest things you wished that you had kept? Mine was that damned Rainbow Vaccum Cleaner) I gave my XW everything except my personal belongings, an artificle ferm plant, a Coke Cola Crate Wagon, and the music. Everything else she got, and she was PO'ed because she didn't get the damn fern plant, and wagon and music?

 

It tore me up when I was where you find yourself now. Now? There's not a day that goes by I don't THANK GOD and the poor bastard she's married to now (No.#3) that she's out of my life.

 

A lot of this is nothing more than a George Jones Song.

 

"Its not because you've got 44DD's"

"Its not because you're the daughter of the richest man in town"

"Its not because you own a chain of liqour stores for four states around"

 

"Its just because I've grown accustomed to just having you around!"

[flowerpot]

Yep,

When my wife left me in March she did'nt want anything either. I now have had to file to keep the lawyers out of this. I ended up giving her almost 100 grand, almost half of it is already spent.GOOD LUCK & TAKE CARE!!