poll for males.. kind of

[megnog]

okay, just out of curiousity...

 

how important is physical attraction in a relationship? is it important to have a pretty face, a good body, both, neither?

 

i don't know, i see it everywhere - girls with these perfect little bodies. its really getting to me. my face, i don't mind most of the time. but i can't stand my body. its creating all these jealousy in me and i just wonder what guys think.. if they are with their not so hot girlfriend and see a girl with a really hot body.. do they compare? do they wish they had that? are they embarassed by what they do have?

i'm so lost and i just think i'd be better off NOT being in a relationship because its really going to drive me into a mental house. i hate what this world has become.

[Walk]

First off. Stop watching that damn TV!!! It'll drop your self-esteem in a heart beat. You can't EVER compete with those women. Not unless you have your own personal trainer, dietician, and comsmetics person. So stop beating yourself up for not looking like them.

 

Second.. A majority of men, don't want to have sex with a bag of bones. It's not comfortable. You'll probably get responses saying beauty is as necessary for a relationship as personality (from men), and it is... but beauty in a man's eye is not necessarily what "women" define as beauty. So if you ask if attraction is important, then define what would be attractive in a very specific sense.

 

Like weight for instance.. most men will say they don't want a heavy woman. But what's "heavy" or fat to them? The men I've dated had vastly different opinions of what "over weight" meant from what I did.

 

I weigh about 125-130 and I'm about 5 foot tall. I've never been called "fat" or overweight by a guy. I feel like I'm fat for my height/weight ratio. And "society" seems to pressure me into believing I should weight 95lbs if I'm to be considered "attractive". If I watch too much tv.. I feel like a whale! My bf loves how I look though. I'm not obese, I have some fat rolls, but overall, confidence in myself is far more attractive then "my weight". When I stop caring what "society" thinks, then I'm happier. And happy people attract people. Not beautiful people. Happy people.

 

Try not to be so critical of yourself. The women I know who think they look the worst, are the most attractive women I've ever seen. Yet they don't see it.. They spend their lives hating their bodies instead of just enjoying being alive.. Don't waste your time in self-hate like that. We have precious little time in this life as it is.

[Outcast]

Someday go search some 'reality' porn sites. Ones where people post photos. You'll see men posting photos of 'my beautiful, sexy wife'. The photos will be of regular-looking people. With wrinkles, fat, every flaw you can imagine. Love makes a person beautiful to the person who loves them.

[stoopid_guy]

Darn! Walk put it perfectly! I especially agree with "happy people attract people. Not beautiful people. Happy people."

[Green]

I have to be atracted to a girl but she doesnt have to be skinny. But fat girls are a real turn off

[stoopid_guy]

I have to be atracted to a girl but she doesnt have to be skinny. But fat girls are a real turn off

But even the term "fat" doesn't say much, it's very subjective. Personally, I'd say I'm not attracted to "fat" women, but one of the best lovers I've ever been with was about 5'6" and probably 175 lbs. Some would call that "fat." I'd call that "cuddly."

 

(Climbing on soap-box) Assuming a woman's healthy, there are three reasons to be concerned with her body shape.

 

First: Aesthetics. Personally though, I'm going to spend more time looking at her face than any other part of her anatomy. A cute face is very important (and very few faces aren't cute when they're smiling.) Unless a woman is HUGE, I just don't care. (Now, too skinny is ugly to me.)

 

Second: Sex. A heavier lady has the same anatomical features as a skinny woman. Her skin is just as soft (or softer,) it tastes just as sweet, and there's more of it!

 

Third: Ego/confidence boost. A slender woman is more in line with what the mass media likes, so might be a better "trophy." Personally, I don't need to show off, I don't care what others think of her. That's simply not a factor.

[mental_traveller]

IMO physical attraction is pretty important. Without it, a relationship will tend to fizzle out into the sort of "friendly companionship" that characterises so many marriages & long-term relationships. However, I don't think physical attraction has much to do with how "nice" someone's face or body is. It's more animalistic than that, it's more a case of chemistry, how someone acts. It's the difference between a frigid beautiful woman and a plain-looking but very sexual one.

[lovestruck234]

All of the comments so far have seriously made me go "Awwww!"...

 

Meg, I have dealt with you in the past....I know you have some insecurity issues....I really don't see why you would have these issues...

 

You have a bf....and if it's still the same bf as a couple of months ago and he has stuck by you....doesn't that count for something? He MUST be attracted to you....

 

Over the years dealing with this sort of thing....ahem....

 

Girls are CAPTIVATED with what they see, and tend to disregard what they HEAR. I have listened to some GREAT self-confidence speeches etc and have found myself walking away from them going "Hmmm...don't really feel any different...still feel kinda grose.." but the trick is to really listen to those comments....listen when someone tells you how beautiful you are, although it may not be very often....make that time count. And build from that...

 

When someone tells you they love you...build from that as well. When someone gives you any sort of compliment or reassurance in any way, build from it.

 

There is absolutely NO point sitting there going "But look at HER skin...but look at HER boobs...but look at HER tummy" sob sob, cos trust me...you just fall deeper.

 

I'm a sort of "call a spade a spade" person, I see things how I see them, and I don't pretend. So that goes for the way I look as well. I have FINALLY realised that this is the body I was given, these are the set of boobs I have been given, this is the package I have been givent o work with...may as well start working with it.

 

If you're constantly trying to be better and better...you are soon going to out-run yourself and realise it was a waste of time.

 

We are ALL very lucky and were gifted with one amazing thing...a beautiful soul. Sometimes it's hard to see in some people, but it's buried there somewhere and what you need to do is find it, and let it shine.

 

Confidence is VERY hard to build, I know, I'm still working on mine....have been for the last...hmmm....8 years? ha, it's not easy, but I know one day I will find complete happiness and acceptance in who I am...for now...i am on that road and am charging towards the light at the end!

 

Until then, I will still sit there poking and prodding at myself...ha...it's life, I guess. Everybody craves more.

[destination_unknown]

There is always going to be someone hotter than you! (Ok, anyone who is really rational and into statistics I'll rephrase that - unless you are the hottest person in the world there will always be someone hotter than you.) And you know what - like the others said, whats hot is subjective. I remember a girl posting, and apolgies but I can't remember her username, she was dying her hair a different colour / changing her look every other week to emulate whatever girl she saw *or thought* she saw lher boyfriend ooking at in the mall. The dark haired girl with the tanned skin was *the hottest* this week, the blonde haired pale skin girl was *the hottest* the following week. I think alot of these issues stem from the concept of control. Can you control if your boyfriend will cheat on you or leave you for someone he considers *hotter*? No, you cant. No matter what you do, you cannot control that. But like Walk said, you can sure waste alot of your life feeling panicky and miserable about it.

 

We ALL have insecurities - correct me if I'm wrong here but didn't Tyra Banks show her celulite on TV a while ago? [Didnt see it, i'm not in the US but was told about it]. Don't worry be happy! At the end of the day, you CAN be happy even if you aren't in a relationship and at least then you would be free of all this insecurity about how you look.

[megnog]

okay, thanks for the replies guys..

 

i guess i know that my bf is attracted to me.. but thats not really the case. i just figure he compares me to other *hotter* girls, and i guess thats what bothers me. and i'll try real hard not to let it bother me because i know its getting the best of me and i know i have some problems and i think my life would be so much greater if they would just go away. its just so much easier said than done. ..

and i know other people have problems too but its like.. when i'm talking to my friends about our problems they all have problems that are significantly better than mine. like i have every problem in the book.. cellulite, stretch marks, spider veins, you name it - i have it. and THATS what kills me. really, if i was just my weight and thats it i would be SO GRATEFul. but thats not the case.. i have all these other problems with my body.

 

and i've tried creams, i've tried lots of stuff. but nothing works. and i've even paid like ..what was it.. 150? for breast enlarging pills. nada. i should have known. and i've done exercises for my butt because its not "up to par" with todays society.

UGH

i just let myself get so consumed. i need to stop. i just want to relax and not care and just be loving life. but i'm not, i hate life. i actually HATE it. everyday is a problem for me. everywhere i look are gorgeous girls. and i feel bad that my bf is even with me. because not only do i look bad, i get all jealous and he has to deal with it and .. sometimes its just not worth it.

 

anyway thanks again for help. i know i'm a little bit crazy.. i just hope i can get fixed.

[lovestruck234]

like i have every problem in the book.. cellulite, stretch marks, spider veins, you name it - i have it. and THATS what kills me. really, if i was just my weight and thats it i would be SO GRATEFul. but thats not the case.. i have all these other problems with my body.

 

and i've tried creams, i've tried lots of stuff. but nothing works. and i've even paid like ..what was it.. 150? for breast enlarging pills. nada. i should have known. and i've done exercises for my butt because its not "up to par" with todays society.

UGH

i just let myself get so consumed. i need to stop. i just want to relax and not care and just be loving life. but i'm not, i hate life. i actually HATE it. everyday is a problem for me. everywhere i look are gorgeous girls. and i feel bad that my bf is even with me. because not only do i look bad, i get all jealous and he has to deal with it

 

*shakes head at you*....you silly silly girl.

 

You are OBSESSED with the way you look. You are being totally irrational in this case.

 

Everybody has insecurities, but to let them get a hold of you and especially your wallet in this case, is just plain dumb.

 

You are lacking confidence, there is no doubt there. And I'm sure there are plenty of people out there who will tell you you should go and see someone about it....but you know what? The only person who can change the way your thinking right now...is YOU.

 

I don't believe you truly want to be happy. I don't believe you truly want to stop this jealousy...cos you know why? IF you wanted to, you would have stopped a long time ago. If you truly want to stop something, then you make sure you try in every way shape and form to stop.

 

You obvioulsy haven't tried that.

 

Believe me meg, I've been down that road of insecurity, jealousy, self-loathe, the whole lot.....and I know how much easier it is sometimes to just let go. To just let it get a hold of you. Well, it's time to stop sitting there thinking "Oh, but...sob sob"....you will get NOWHERE.

 

And as you stated, it's not only hard on you, it's even harder on the people around you. Like your bf. When I was going through that jealousy stage, my bf and I we're fighting probably...hmmm....10 or so times a week?? Everyday the same thing again and again. I nearly lost him, Meg. I nearly let all this sh*t I was carrying on with, get in the way of us.

 

The fact that it scared me so so much, I decided to stop. I figured...you know what? I'm never going to be like that girl on the cover of Cosmo, I'm never going to be like that girl on the shampoo ad on tv...I'm never going to be FAKE! These people you compare yourselves to, Meg, are non-fiction, fake, not real, bogus, cartoon, whatever you want to call it....and that's where I draw the line.

 

Everybody is different. And no-body is perfect. These girls you say you see walking down the street....who wants to be like that? I know I don't. Too much maintenance for me!! They are constantly trying to be someone they're not, trying to fit in, just like us....they're not happy...although you think they are...they'll NEVER be happy.

 

The people who don't try, the people who have bounds and bounds of confidence in their OWN REAL skin...they're the ones I usually see walkign down the street and look at and go "Wow, isn't she amazing? Look how happy she is?"...

 

Acceptance is a big leap here, but it's time to stop being so hard on yourself. So WHAT if you have cellulite? So WHAT if you have spider veins? BIG DEAL!! I saw a photo in a gossip mag of Mischa Barton with cellulite.... can you believe even the "perfect" people have it too? I have cellulite, I hav a little bit of a gut on me....but that's why my bf loves me. He knows that I accept myself for NOT being perfect. And the hottest trait someone can have is confidence!

 

You are well on the way of turning your bf off you, and you obviously don't want that. Then stop being so insecure! Confidence is such an appealing thing...if I meet someone that gives me a half-heartedly "hey" and has their arms crossed...pfft....I think "What's up your nose?" I don't waste my time on those sorts of people.

 

You are the only one that can change you. Time to stop sitting around and get to it, girl.

 

 

No-body deserves to be un-happy....what makes you any different?

[Guest**]

As a guy, I will say... and this will go for every guy and girl out there; We are all very visual when it comes to the opposite sex, it's hardwired into our nature. But looks only go so far; I would think that what is under the hood plays a big part in the matter also.

 

Happiness comes in all shapes, sizes , colors. Different strokes for different folks.

 

Meg, be comfortable with yourself. Most important, be true to yourself and your boyfriend. If he wasn't attracted to you, he wouldn't be with you-right?

 

**

[Jake809]

As a guy i sometimes do look at "hot" girls, but I never compare them to my girlfriends. I love the girl that I am with because of who she is on the inside. If your boyfriend makes you feel like you have flaws and that you should work on perfection, then forget him.

[Guest]

HI Meg~

 

Oh.... Honey!

 

I am so sorry to hear the state you are in.. WHen you said I feel sorry for my BF for even being with me, I cringed. Knock it off woman!! It sounds like you are a very sweet sensitive person and Im sure your boyfriend sees that too.. I know how hard it is to stop that negative thinking.. but seriously you don't deserve to beat up on yourself like that!

 

and just like everyone else said, we all have something! Mine is stretchmarks and no matter how great my body looks THAT is all I see.. and I think if only I had cellulite instead .. LOL

 

Years ago, I had serious body issues,, food restricting, bulimia.. anything you name it.. I was nuts! and one day I made a conscious decision.. I said ok, do I want to be THAT girl.. with all the crazy food issues.. or do I want to learn to just accept who I am in this world and start working on being ok with me, and appreciating what I DO have! :) Which includes a huge heart..

 

It's all up to you, and it's not about changing the way your butt looks in jeans.. it's about changing your thinking...and you can do it! Change really is possible.. and you will be amazed at how quickly it can happen..

 

Best wishes to ya!

[Spectre]

Heres the thing girls need to keep in mind, theres always going to be someone better looking. The question is, are you enough for your bf? My gf is a beautiful girl with a nice body. It isnt some model type body all toned no, shes curvy, she isnt fat or even chubby, she has a nice ass and breasts. I'm sure there are girls out there with nicer bodies, but those girls aren't mine. This girl is, I love her and I love her body simply because its hers. It turns me on and its her I think about when I fantasize etc. I love it cuz I know every inch of it, cuz she isnt shy to show her body to me.

 

The point is the cliche perfect body is a point of view, different guys like different things. But unless youre grotesquely fat or deformed, your bf probably loves your body. My gf's body isnt perfect when compared to others, but i like her phat ass, etc. However I'll be honest, if she gained a significant amount of weight, I wouldnt be that attracted to her, and the relationship would suffer. I used to think this was a shallow way of thinking, but it isnt. Sex is a part of every relationship, and her letting herself go like that shows it isnt important to her. I guess im just afraid lol..I love my gf, but you always hear horror stories of when a girl gets married she just lets herself get fat, im not saying all girls do this, im just saying it worries me

[pricillia]

okay, just out of curiousity...

 

how important is physical attraction in a relationship? is it important to have a pretty face, a good body, both, neither?

 

i don't know, i see it everywhere - girls with these perfect little bodies. its really getting to me. my face, i don't mind most of the time. but i can't stand my body. its creating all these jealousy in me and i just wonder what guys think.. if they are with their not so hot girlfriend and see a girl with a really hot body.. do they compare? do they wish they had that? are they embarassed by what they do have?

i'm so lost and i just think i'd be better off NOT being in a relationship because its really going to drive me into a mental house. i hate what this world has become.

 

 

I would not worry some of the most beautiful women are single. Just be the best that you could be... Be confident and you will be all set

[littlepiggy1]

Attractiveness is more than just physical. Sure, there's a certain degree of physical attractiveness that needs to be there. But attitude is important as well. I have actually noticed myself become less attracted to a woman simply by how she is behaving and vise-versa. So I wouldn't put all your stock in the cover. The book underneath is pretty damned important, too.

[SwayLady]

Inititally, looks do attract people to one another. But looks alone won't and don't form loving and lasting relationships.

 

In the long run, it's what's inside that counts.

[megnog]

okay thanks again guys for the advice.. everyone here is so accepting.

 

theres nothing else i can really say here because walk is right.. i need to do something about it. infact, i read in this book.. a long time ago.. "soup for the teenage soul" (something like that) that overweight girls that never lose weight could just subconsciously NOT want to lose weight because then they will have nothing to complain about it. they put it in better words in the book but... i understand whats going on.

 

i know i need to work on stuff and i'm really PRAYING that as i get older, things will be better. i don't WANT to compare myself to every girl i see. its like i f=cking check out these girls.. its sick. and i do this without even realizing it. and i feel so stupid.

and i just have to say one thing - i've GONE to waterparks and i look at girls and see if they have stretch marks as visible.. or as bad of cellulite as me and THEY DONT.

i'm sorry.. and i'll stop.. i just have these problems, i just wonder why i have to have everything.

and its weird because sometimes i'm relax. i'm cool.. i don't mind things so much. i feel like maybe i need to be put on medication. like i've got two people living inside of me. i hate to say this, but i'd rather be numb to this world than how i am now. does anyone know about medication i could take so i could be a better person??

 

other than that, i will work. i will try not to view life as a competition for looks. i will try to enjoy beauty in other people. i really want to be the "cool" girlfriend who trusts and is beautiful.. i'm working on it..

 

thanks again guys, i didn't expect so many replies

[burning 4 revenge]

Megnog just don't drink too much egg nog

[megnog]

alright i'll try not to! thanks

[Rooster_DAR]

Attraction is very important for me to initially start dating and relationships. I mean, you don't have to be perfect (although it does help ), you must not be a slob, or overweight to the point you can't get through a doorway. Average looks and weight work best for me, the bigger part is your personality and values.

 

Regards