Control Freak Family! AAAAGHH!

[MissSenorita]

I'm starting to realize how different I am from a lot of (or most?) people and its really scaring me. I used to have a lot of friends in high school but when I went out of state to college I felt so alone and strange, fat and ugly and awful, with a high pitched nasal voice, I just knew I didn't fit in and never really made any friends. It didn't help that school was very competitive, and that my family would fly over to visit and stay over and humiliate me the whole time. It felt perfectly normal to me, but I knew somehow that other people in college didn't have their family fly 7 hours only to spend a week cleaning my dorm room and making comments about how filthy I am because I had stinky clothes in my hamper and oh my god had they ever seen such filth before today (well what do you expect to find in a hamper? clean clothes?) and if I happen to come in the door with snow on my hair "oh good god why don't you ever brush my hair?" and why do I eat so much and why am I an introvert with no self confidence and etc etc

 

Its embarassing when my roommates hear that and don't know what to say. I really didn't want to talk about it to anyone because its so pathetic - not like a boyfriend problem that everyone can relate to and has an opinion about, I am so ashamed of myself and my family, I just shut myself off, and I think I've been that way ever since high school.

 

Mostly its my grandmother. No one in my family goes to visit her because she criticizes without end, humiliating us in front of strangers and then tries to make things better by giving you a 5 dollar bill or a ring or something stupid like that. And my mother criticizes too, if I make it on the Dean's list, well, why am I so fat?

 

I just dropped out of grad school and have never felt better. My resume is something only a freak would have - dean's list, honors, four languages, double major, founder of a club to help disadvantaged people, but the truth is, every one of those things I thought would FINALLY convince them that I was worthwhile and not a filthy, stinky, brat who is fat and too short with a big nose and poor clothing choices and ugly nails. But NONE of these things made even the slightest difference! And for once, rather than blaming myself for needing to "try harder to get it right", I just decided to quit and stop talking to my grandfolks. I feel better than I have in years, even though they are gossiping about me non-stop I'm sure, but I don't even care and I'm glad it hurt them. They would brag to their friends about their wunderkind grandkid then treat me like relentless **** anyway.

 

I wish I could get those years back, I'm 26 and would give anything for a happy, loving family. It means more to me than school or career or adding one more stupid hoity-toity thing to my resume. My dad left when I was 11 and nothing I've accomplished has earned me love or respect. Maybe that was my own fault, thinking that it would.

 

I'm so angry though. When I was younger my mom would sabotage any relationship I made, and repeat ad nauseum no boyfriends until after high school, no boyfriends until after college, you have to go to law school. No boyfriends, you have to go to law school. Don't get married, you'll never finish, you have to go to school. There was a man I loved very dearly when I was 19, and he was 32 and a lawyer, and she did everything she could to keep him away from me. Then she would even flirt with him, and he didn't know how to react or what to say, he would tell me later. I went out of state to college and he got married a year later. What the ****.

 

Now I'm out of school and free, but not quite, because my mom is inviting herself over to my apartment (7 hours away!) and being such a ****ing nag its unbelievable. She sends me 5-6 emails a week and acts terribly hurt and wounded if I go a day or two without writing back. She is also very jealous of my two bosses who I love very much because they are very positive and encouraging to me (something totally foreign and unbelievable). She says they are taking advantage of me and will toss me away any minute and my director is jealous of my success and will try to backstab me at work. I feel so alone. Has anyone else been raised like this and made it through allright? Is there a light at the end of the tunnel??? I really want to hear something positive. I'm scared, to be honest.

[Outcast]

Your family is a batch of people with issues. You've already realized that it's healthier to stay away from some of them. Now it's time to draw boundaries with the others. Tell your mom that her attitude is not helping and that until she changes it you will limit your contact with her.

 

You know intellectually that their problem is not you. It's them. You could probably become President and they'd find fault. A lot of people think that criticizing is helpful and they mean well but are totally clueless about how much harm it does. However you are still in need of their approval emotionally and that's hard for you.

 

I think you'll need to either see a counsellor or do some work on your own. It's called 'self-parenting' and, essentially, it's about you giving yourself the approval you never got from the people you needed for support.

 

Most of all, you'll have to realize that they are unable to be the parents you need them to be and that you'll have to work on understanding them as they are and dealing with them on a different level - as a bunch of muddled up but well-meaning individuals. If you want mentors and advisors you'll either have to seek them out elsewhere or do a lot of reading and keep your own counsel.

 

It's not impossible to fend for yourself in life because your family isn't the ideal model of family. It'll just mean you'll have to learn to be strong to manage without a family to lean on for wise counsel.

[MissSenorita]

Thanks, its very hard for me though. I mean, for most of my life I've been trying to make things right, to get them to admit (to ME) that they're proud of what I've done, but... I give up. It's not gonna happen.

 

I'm trying to do the best I can with student loan debt and all, although it is sooo weird, now that I'm not doing things to "make family happy", when I just look around at the world and at people, I feel such relief that average people aren't judging me on my failures on an hourly basis, and actually support me for staying away from the family. Maybe I was my own worst enemy the whole time by letting my family have that power over me... since I've stopped talking to my grandparents, its like they've disappeared, and I've finally gotten my revenge or retribution or whatever by taking away their last hope of the "family lawyer" who would continue the family tradition. I wish I could tell my baby cousin, she is miserable and forced over to their house to visit even though they call her a whore. They call my other cousin a pervert because he is dying with AIDS. But the truth is that is part of my aunt's attempt to get at my grandparent's inheritance. It's a sick sick triangle.