I'm confused

[radioactivegirl]

I met him about 4 months ago. We fell for each other hard and fast. We have much in common and had a great time together. He told me he loves me, wants to have a baby with me and this has been the best time of his life. He bought me an expensive dvd player for Christmas and told me he wants to take me to Vegas. I've met and spent time with his family and all the important people in his life and he with mine. We see each other mainly on weekends and talk on the phone a couple of times a week. I thought all was going VERY well. On 2 or 3 occasions I told him I'd like it if he called me more and let me know what he was up to. Like if he was going out with the guys or had other plans just to let me know. Last week we talked on the phone on Wed. I said where are we going to watch the game on Sat.? He said I don't know yet. So he calls on Sat. we went out & had a GREAT time together. Later I said I would have liked to hear from him on like maybe Fri. to know what was up for the weekend and he freaked. He said he dosen't want to be held accountable to me and he doesn't want to have to call me all the time. He said "I may be making the biggest mistake of my life but I can't do that" and he broke up with me. I am so confused. He gave me MANY signals that I was important to him and now he won't even take my calls, I've tried to contact him many times, but he has turned his answering machine off. I thought we were VERY close and had a GREAT thing going and he just gave it up so easily. Should I keep trying? I really love him and he has said so many times that he loves me.

[Tony T]

You are a very lucky woman. This guy is an insane, inconsiderate, unstable nutcase. I know you lovED him in the past but love happens because you love someone's behavior so there is simply no way you can be in love with him after this...you are just running on the past now. It does hurt nevertheless. It hurts because that which you loved has disappeared...no, that's wrong...more like NEVER existed.

 

I'm sorry I can't explain this guy's behavior but it was totally bizarre. If I were a woman, I would insist on the respect of a man who said he cared about me and would want at least two or three days notice of plans, no matter how informal our relationship had become. That's just simple manners. There is simply no reason he couldn't have done that.

 

You were totally right to have told him your desire to be called and kept up to date on plans. Dating is for the purpose of each person learning about the other, what makes them happy, what upsets them, interests, etc. You were completely right in letting him know that you preferred more notice about those Saturday plans.

 

If this guy doesn't have the consideration and respect to do you just this ever so tiny favor of calling you in advance of plans, he isn't worth the time of day.

 

Now that you know you were in love with a fully certifiable madman, unstable and insane by every definition and inconsiderate and unthoughtful on top of that, it will be ever so easy to forget this guy.

 

Call your friends this weekend and all of you get together and celebrate getting rid of this man. He would have caused more damage to your life than you could ever comprehend. Your life would have been miserable.

 

I can't tell you when the last time was I heard about any behavior quite this bizarre.

 

I'm sorry if you were looking for advice on how to get him back. I'm happy as hell for you that he's out of your life. If I knew where he was, I'd get some of my friends to transport him blindfolded to a remote mountain region a thousand miles from you. You'd be better off.

 

It won't take you long to get over this butthole. Just remember, you are in love now with an illusion...something that never existed. It's a tragic loss, nevertheless, perhaps more painful than if you lost someone who really had his head on straight because of the hurt of being conned, fooled, disillusioned...having been dead wrong about somebody. It's almost spooky. It's frightening.

 

But it was very painful when I had my wisdom teeth pulled (frightening too)...but wow did I celebrate a few days later...when it was all over.

 

Have a party this weekend for sure. You are the luckiest girl alive!!!

[midori]

When someone comes on strong & fast you can be pretty sure that he's going to crash and burn sometime. Be glad that it was sooner rather than later. Step back for a moment and think about it: this guy, whom you've known for all of four months, knew you well enough to know that he wanted to have a family with you? That's quite implausible in this day and age, where people believe that everything must be just so and are unwilling to compromise on even minor things. Sure, a couple of generations back people could agree to get married after just a couple of meetings: because their expectations about what married life would be were very very different, their notions of personal obligation & responsibility were very very different. In today's world I think it's a safe bet to say that instant love-at-first-sight ought to be taken with several grains of salt and a whole lot of caution.

 

So what to make of someone who literally went overnight from being gung-ho committed & in love to wanting to have nothing further to do with you? I'd guess that he's dabbling with love without really knowing what he wants from it, and without having any sense of what he's willing to give to it. I'd guess that he has not a clue about how to handle his emotions, about how to deal with being vulnerable in love (which we all are if it's really love), or about how to face up to the reality of commitment. Which means that as far as love goes -- mature, meaningful & lasting love that is -- he's just starting out on a road that you're perhaps much further along on. He's got a lot of terrain to cover before he'll arrive at the spot where real love & commitment are options.

 

You could wait, sure. It would be a huge gamble, because you have no idea who he'll meet along the way (even if he's "with" you), you have no idea how long it will take him to traverse the distance -- one year? five? ten? -- and most importantly, you have no way of knowing if he'll ever actually arrive at the point where he's ready for real love and commitment. I don't know how many people actually do reach that point, but I'm sure it's not everyone.

 

I've been exactly where you are, in fact I've only just extricated myself from that painful limbo. I know how hard it is to really hear what other people are saying -- hear it in your heart that is, when your feelings are strong and hope flourishes. I could tell you every day for the next two years that you're wasting your time, and some part of you would probably not hear me. This is the kind of thing we all have to learn for ourselves I think. But I will say this and maybe it will help: think about what you want. Is that a relationship which exists at the whim of your partner, one that is constructed to suit him & his schedule, one that can't even accommodate your very reasonable wish to know a couple of days in advance what your weekend plans will be? Or is it a relationship of mutual respect and regard, one in which you have an equal voice? The kind of passion that accompanies the hard-and-fast approach to love is intoxicating, I know, but over time its cost will drain more and more out of you if what you're really looking for is stable, nurturing, fulfilling love. Think about what you want to have in a relationship. Write it down. Tack it up somewhere in plain, regular view. Look at it everyday and ask yourself if your current situation is providing it. No? Then you need to find a different situation. Waiting for someone to change into the person you wish they were is all too likely to be a fruitless endeavor and a waste of your time. It shouldn't just be this guy who's saying "no more relationship for us," you should be saying it too. Unlike him you have a clear reason that you can articulate: he's not giving what you need. If you bear that in mind you'll find it much easier to navigate the murky waters of mixed messages and fragile hopes that confuse and torment you.

 

Good luck. It took me such a long time to see things for what they really were in my own relationship with a confused man. I hope it won't take you as long.

[radioactivegirl]

Thank you. You made me laugh for the first time in a week, and you gave me some much needed perspective.

You are a very lucky woman. This guy is an insane, inconsiderate, unstable nutcase. I know you lovED him in the past but love happens because you love someone's behavior so there is simply no way you can be in love with him after this...you are just running on the past now. It does hurt nevertheless. It hurts because that which you loved has disappeared...no, that's wrong...more like NEVER existed. I'm sorry I can't explain this guy's behavior but it was totally bizarre. If I were a woman, I would insist on the respect of a man who said he cared about me and would want at least two or three days notice of plans, no matter how informal our relationship had become. That's just simple manners. There is simply no reason he couldn't have done that. You were totally right to have told him your desire to be called and kept up to date on plans. Dating is for the purpose of each person learning about the other, what makes them happy, what upsets them, interests, etc. You were completely right in letting him know that you preferred more notice about those Saturday plans. If this guy doesn't have the consideration and respect to do you just this ever so tiny favor of calling you in advance of plans, he isn't worth the time of day. Now that you know you were in love with a fully certifiable madman, unstable and insane by every definition and inconsiderate and unthoughtful on top of that, it will be ever so easy to forget this guy. Call your friends this weekend and all of you get together and celebrate getting rid of this man. He would have caused more damage to your life than you could ever comprehend. Your life would have been miserable. I can't tell you when the last time was I heard about any behavior quite this bizarre. I'm sorry if you were looking for advice on how to get him back. I'm happy as hell for you that he's out of your life. If I knew where he was, I'd get some of my friends to transport him blindfolded to a remote mountain region a thousand miles from you. You'd be better off.

 

It won't take you long to get over this butthole. Just remember, you are in love now with an illusion...something that never existed. It's a tragic loss, nevertheless, perhaps more painful than if you lost someone who really had his head on straight because of the hurt of being conned, fooled, disillusioned...having been dead wrong about somebody. It's almost spooky. It's frightening. But it was very painful when I had my wisdom teeth pulled (frightening too)...but wow did I celebrate a few days later...when it was all over.

 

Have a party this weekend for sure. You are the luckiest girl alive!!!

[radioactivegirl]

Thanks. Ahh so true, so true. I have such a hard time breaking up even when things are bad, but your advice has given me a new more cautious way of approaching my next relationship.

When someone comes on strong & fast you can be pretty sure that he's going to crash and burn sometime. Be glad that it was sooner rather than later. Step back for a moment and think about it: this guy, whom you've known for all of four months, knew you well enough to know that he wanted to have a family with you? That's quite implausible in this day and age, where people believe that everything must be just so and are unwilling to compromise on even minor things. Sure, a couple of generations back people could agree to get married after just a couple of meetings: because their expectations about what married life would be were very very different, their notions of personal obligation & responsibility were very very different. In today's world I think it's a safe bet to say that instant love-at-first-sight ought to be taken with several grains of salt and a whole lot of caution. So what to make of someone who literally went overnight from being gung-ho committed & in love to wanting to have nothing further to do with you? I'd guess that he's dabbling with love without really knowing what he wants from it, and without having any sense of what he's willing to give to it. I'd guess that he has not a clue about how to handle his emotions, about how to deal with being vulnerable in love (which we all are if it's really love), or about how to face up to the reality of commitment. Which means that as far as love goes -- mature, meaningful & lasting love that is -- he's just starting out on a road that you're perhaps much further along on. He's got a lot of terrain to cover before he'll arrive at the spot where real love & commitment are options. You could wait, sure. It would be a huge gamble, because you have no idea who he'll meet along the way (even if he's "with" you), you have no idea how long it will take him to traverse the distance -- one year? five? ten? -- and most importantly, you have no way of knowing if he'll ever actually arrive at the point where he's ready for real love and commitment. I don't know how many people actually do reach that point, but I'm sure it's not everyone. I've been exactly where you are, in fact I've only just extricated myself from that painful limbo. I know how hard it is to really hear what other people are saying -- hear it in your heart that is, when your feelings are strong and hope flourishes. I could tell you every day for the next two years that you're wasting your time, and some part of you would probably not hear me. This is the kind of thing we all have to learn for ourselves I think. But I will say this and maybe it will help: think about what you want. Is that a relationship which exists at the whim of your partner, one that is constructed to suit him & his schedule, one that can't even accommodate your very reasonable wish to know a couple of days in advance what your weekend plans will be? Or is it a relationship of mutual respect and regard, one in which you have an equal voice? The kind of passion that accompanies the hard-and-fast approach to love is intoxicating, I know, but over time its cost will drain more and more out of you if what you're really looking for is stable, nurturing, fulfilling love. Think about what you want to have in a relationship. Write it down. Tack it up somewhere in plain, regular view. Look at it everyday and ask yourself if your current situation is providing it. No? Then you need to find a different situation. Waiting for someone to change into the person you wish they were is all too likely to be a fruitless endeavor and a waste of your time. It shouldn't just be this guy who's saying "no more relationship for us," you should be saying it too. Unlike him you have a clear reason that you can articulate: he's not giving what you need. If you bear that in mind you'll find it much easier to navigate the murky waters of mixed messages and fragile hopes that confuse and torment you. Good luck. It took me such a long time to see things for what they really were in my own relationship with a confused man. I hope it won't take you as long.