ImInPain Posted August 28, 2006 Share Posted August 28, 2006 My wife at the time moves out to be with another man. I start dating a younger woman. My wife and I get divorced and she moves back to her house. I leave and move in with the younger woman. This lasts 1 year. The younger woman and I have small issues but I find her to be young and very much like my first ex. I tell her we need to move out and I am going back to see if there is anything between my ex and I. This never happens. My ex asks whats up and I always tell her I am too emotionally attached to the younger woman. I sleep in my own room and bed mind you. We also work different shifts. All the while I continue to see the younger woman every chance I can. This goes on for almost three years. Things start to get weird with the younger woman and she asks for a title and such. I say I cannot do that right now. 2 weeks goes by and much soul searching and I realize she is the woman I love more than anything I was just to afraid to commit. My ex goes away for 2 weeks and during that time I purchase an engagement ring and ask the younger woman to marry me. She says no the timing isn't right. Then says maybe. One of our problems was because she was once a student at a college where I worked we had to be carful. SHe came there and was very proud to show of the ring and appeared to be saying we were engaged. Everytime we get close to being together she pulls away for two or more weeks. She says she loves me more than anything and there is no one else. She also is having a problem telling the parents as the age issue was big in the begining and now they will wonder where I went for three years. I love her more than anything and I know that after almost three years she is shocked and confused. I am moving out of the ex-wives house on Friday and I hope this will help her as she hates the fact that I went back here. She has kept the ring but is very non commital to me and treats me kind cold. DO I have a chance. I give her time and no pressure and tell her I love her and am there for her all the time. Any help would be appreciated. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ImInPain Posted October 12, 2006 Author Share Posted October 12, 2006 I got no comments to this at all and 2 thursdays ago she ended it. I am lost confused and can't figure out what the hell happened. How does someone go from I support you and love you with all my heart and soul to leaving in a couple of months time? Is she just afraid and lost and confused, or did someone get in her head? Link to post Share on other sites
hopelessly_naive Posted October 12, 2006 Share Posted October 12, 2006 I doubt that someone got in her head, she might have just been tired of the ups and downs when it came to your relationship status. Also, although this may not be what you want to hear, the fact that you moved back into a house with your exwife probably confused and hurt her a great deal. That said, you have my sympathy. Hopefully you'll find someone who you can love and who can truely appreciate you. Link to post Share on other sites
Jodie Posted October 12, 2006 Share Posted October 12, 2006 You left her to go back to your wife and that didn't work out so now you want her. Then you kept her hide? Is this correct? For three years you lived with your ex. If so why would she want to spend her life with you? I get she is second choice here. Not saying you don't love her. Everyone woman needs to be number 1. Not a man's life just the most important part and I don't think she feels that she is. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ImInPain Posted October 13, 2006 Author Share Posted October 13, 2006 I left her because I was afraid she would leave me. We are 14 years apart. So I cut it off to save myself the pain, plus I was scared. I never worked on things with my ex and the GF knows that. She also was the one who kept asking to be FWB. I have moved out of the ex wifes house and have no contact. We had no children and it was a clean break. The GF claimed to have waited for me the whole time and that was the only reason she didn't move away. I understand her hurt and confusion but why tell me all summer we were working on us and that she loves me with all her heart and soul to totally ending it with no real explanation. She even bought Brides magazines and brought them to my work. She had the engagment ring sized. She talked about the future and moving in, not right away but in several months. She picked out furniture and would call me 5 and 6 times a day. What could change a woman so much in so little time unless she found someone else? Now she says she just wants to be single for awhile and then she claims to need to do some soul searching. And that she is "not leaving forever" those words really have me confused and I would love to understand what that means. I love her soooooo damn much and I know she loves me but she is extremely confused and probably a bit scared. I know she felt like second best for the whole time but I have made her first and she does not see it. Will she ever realize? I am a really good person and never meant to hurt her and the FWB thing was not easy for me. I swear she was the one who wanted that. I have written her and cried to her and now I just leave her alone and hope she will wake up and realize that I have offered to dedicate my life to her. Please give me some insight or thoughts on what I should do. I will wait forever for her.. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ImInPain Posted October 13, 2006 Author Share Posted October 13, 2006 She also had a death of a very close family member in April and is having a hard time with that. She is also very immature for her age as she has lead a very sheltered life and she has emotional issues and is depressed. She has finally gotten out on her own (was living with her sister) and I feel she just may need some time to feel out the world and get herself straight. She got her own place in May not long after the death of her GrandFather. She also has another GrandFather who is in and out of the hospital right now and that is causing her stress. There is a guy she hangs with all the time and she claims there is nothing there but I just feel he has gotten in her head that I will go back to my ex again and that she should be with him. Maybe that is her confusion. Although she loves me he has never hurt her and she may feel safe and comforted by him. I am sooooo lost and sad. Sorry to keep bugging you all. Thanks for any insight. Females please try and help me understand. Thank you all sooooo much. I would be really in the crapper without your support. By the way MOVING ON IS NOT AN OPTION.... I love her and have been divorced twice. She is the one. Not obsessed either. Link to post Share on other sites
dgiirl Posted October 13, 2006 Share Posted October 13, 2006 Have you ever lived alone? To me, you lived with your wife, things go rocky, so you found a gf to live with, then things got rocky with the gf, and you moved back in with the wife, then things get rocky with the wife, so you propose to the gf. Sounds like you're scared to be alone so you setup exit strategies so you dont have to face that fear. And in the meantime, you get yourself into dysfunctional relationships and mess with these women's heads and hearts. Why dont you leave both women alone, and live completely by yourself for one single year. No new gf's, no women to take care of you. Live like a monk for one single year, then determine your feelings towards both women. The time alone will be a great learning experience and build a lot of character. You'll become a lot more independent and wont settle for just anyone who's currently available. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ImInPain Posted October 13, 2006 Author Share Posted October 13, 2006 I in fact did live alone for most of my relationship with my ex wife as she worked second shift. I also lived alone for the year she left and was only dating the GF. I have lived alone many times and that is not the issue. I can be alone and don't have a problem with that. I love this woman and trying to understand what changed in the last several months. Maybe for closure or maybe to clear my head. Link to post Share on other sites
dgiirl Posted October 13, 2006 Share Posted October 13, 2006 Your wife doing second shift, and dating a gf does not qualify as completely by yourself I requote my advice live completely by yourself for one single year. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ImInPain Posted October 13, 2006 Author Share Posted October 13, 2006 It in fact does as for the last 5 years we were divorced and I slept in my own bed and room. My ex gf knows this and knows that the reason for my divorce was lack of intimacy on my part. She knows that I have slept with no one but her for the past 5 years. I understand where your coming from but being alone doesn't have to just be physically it can be mentally too. That I have been. I agree I need some more time alone to heal me but I would like a woman in my life for companionship and what not. I told the GF we didn't have to get married right away and forget the whole engagement thing until she was ready. Lets start slow and date and work on us as a couple. I guess that wasn't good enough either.... Link to post Share on other sites
Jodie Posted October 13, 2006 Share Posted October 13, 2006 How old is this girl? And were you her first relationship? Where is her father in all of this? Is she close to him and did you play the role of father figure? Link to post Share on other sites
Author ImInPain Posted October 14, 2006 Author Share Posted October 14, 2006 No the guy before me screwed her over and she is very close with her Dad and he kinda liked me. I was not a father figure per say but maybe as he is a music person and so am I. The girl loves me she is just confused and I screwed up. She does not love this other guy like me she just needs to get over the fact that I went back to my ex wife in that way. I wish she would realize I LOVE HER and only her. Th eex wifes house was a safe place. She is 27 but lived under her older sister and is very sheltered and her father and her are very close. Link to post Share on other sites
Jodie Posted October 16, 2006 Share Posted October 16, 2006 In Pain, I don't know what to tell you. Maybe she heard your words, saw your actions and decided that wasn't a road she wants to travel. Does she want kids? Do you want kids. I also think as a person gets older, it's not about love anymore. There is so much more to relationships and marriage then love. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ImInPain Posted October 17, 2006 Author Share Posted October 17, 2006 She soooo wanted a child and so did I with her. Thats why I asked her to marry me. I wanted to start a life with her. This guy she is hanging with already has a child. We had everything and I just am not willing to believe that she no longer loves me as 5 years is a long time and you do not get over that over night. Link to post Share on other sites
Jodie Posted October 17, 2006 Share Posted October 17, 2006 How long have the two of you been apart? This guy that she is with maybe giving her all the things that she wanted from you but didn't get. When was the last time you spoke with her? Link to post Share on other sites
FELIZE Posted October 17, 2006 Share Posted October 17, 2006 Is what it sounds like, With much compassion........ (Although unintentional) You got with the young lady & used her in the first place to help you get over your issues with your wife. Im sorry ImInPain, what goes around comes around. She's younger than you, and probably does want to get out and experience life, So if you love her as you say you do, then let her "be" and leave-well-enough-alone. You rushed into EVERYTHING... " I leave and move in with the younger woman" ......(Where is the time for you to concentrate & focus on you?) Then: "I tell her we need to move out and I am going back to see if there is anything between my ex and I" (What a reck!) Then all of a sudden: 2 weeks goes by and much soul searching and I realize she is the woman I love more than anything I was just to afraid to commit......(Emotional Roller Coaster?) For her to still want to be in a relationship with you? Probably not! Instead of trying to win her back...Try & Stay Focused on you, it sounds like You are Unstable and really dont know what you want. Take another 2 weeks Go do Some MORE Soulsearching.........because you're not finished! Link to post Share on other sites
Jodie Posted October 17, 2006 Share Posted October 17, 2006 Felize It was three years he stayed with his wife after moving back. Quote: This goes on for almost three years. Things start to get weird with the younger woman and she asks for a title and such. I say I cannot do that right now. 2 weeks goes by and much soul searching and I realize she is the woman I love more than anything I was just to afraid to commit. And I do agree with you, it think it might be a case of "too late". Link to post Share on other sites
FELIZE Posted October 17, 2006 Share Posted October 17, 2006 Felize It was three years he stayed with his wife after moving back. Quote: This goes on for almost three years. Things start to get weird with the younger woman and she asks for a title and such. I say I cannot do that right now. 2 weeks goes by and much soul searching and I realize she is the woman I love more than anything I was just to afraid to commit. And I do agree with you, it think it might be a case of "too late". That's what im saying Jodie: 3 years doesnt make a difference in this situation...... Quote: "All the while I continue to see the younger woman every chance I can"......... It's an Emotional-Roller Coaster, who wants to go thru that? Jodie Quote??? "You left her to go back to your wife and that didn't work out so now you want her. Then you kept her hide? Is this correct? For three years you lived with your ex. If so why would she want to spend her life with you? I get she is second choice here. Not saying you don't love her. Everyone woman needs to be number 1. Not a man's life just the most important part and I don't think she feels that she is." I see you understood here....... Link to post Share on other sites
Author ImInPain Posted October 25, 2006 Author Share Posted October 25, 2006 " I leave and move in with the younger woman" ......(Where is the time for you to concentrate & focus on you?) I was alone in the house for close to one year and started dating the younger woman. Then we moved in together for 1 year. Then: "I tell her we need to move out and I am going back to see if there is anything between my ex and I" (What a reck!) She had issues and maybe I did too but I really felt that she needed to grow up. Then all of a sudden: 2 weeks goes by and much soul searching and I realize she is the woman I love more than anything I was just to afraid to commit......(Emotional Roller Coaster?) This was after three years and she was the one who requested FWB and wanted to see me all the time. Not saying I didn't enjoy it. I was totally emotionally attached and couldn't get over her. I never slept or did anything physical with my ex wife for the whole 3 years. She is never coming back she hasn't contacted me in any way shape or form in almost 1 month. I think she has moved on with the guy she was hanging with. How can someone turn off thier feelings like this after 5 years. Come on 2 months ago she is buying brides magazines with me and picking out furniture to total nothing. She must be really screwed up in the head. I love her more than anything and hope she will think of what we could of had at some point. I am just going to continue to leave her alone and keep my faith that she knows that I am a good person and will want to be with me again. Link to post Share on other sites
dgiirl Posted October 25, 2006 Share Posted October 25, 2006 She must be really screwed up in the head. She must be. She put up with this for 5 years. You simply do not get it. Your relationship was dysfunctional to put it mildly. You bounced back and forth between women like a yoyo and now when both are lost, you want to point fingers at how SHE could lose love for you and how she must be screwed up. You simply dont see your own actions. You played on her emotions! It doesnt matter if you were not sleeping with your exw. You were still living with her! You still CHOOSE to live in the same place as your exw over this girl. Not everything has to do about sex. It's a simple matter of priorities and you clearly put her at the bottom of yours. You put your exw too at the bottom. You need some serious alone time. Reflect on yourself mate, because what you did was wrong. Plain and simple, wrong. And then you wonder how she could move on? You treated her like crap, and then want to play victim? It dont work like that. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ImInPain Posted October 25, 2006 Author Share Posted October 25, 2006 Dysfunctional I agree. I played with her emotions, I think not. I was honest and did not jerk her around. I was more noble than most men and told her I was going back and why. She was the one who wanted the FWB and I agreed because I did love her. I wanted her to get out on her own and grow up some. Your right that she did feel as though she came second and for that I was wrong and for me to be afraid and run when she got to clingy was wrong. But for her to accept my ring and tell me we would work on things all summer and call me everyday numerous times, purchase bridal magazines, look at mini vans for a child we would have and so much more was wrong. She sure was confused I guess. I would never have lied and jerked her around like this. I was always honest. I love her soooo much and she knows that I was not in love with my ex wife like I am with her. It was my safe zone. I am not proud of what I did and I have apologized immensly. How does someone tell you they love you with all their heart and soul and never talk to you again? I just wonder if she ever thinks about me or misses me like I miss her. This is soooo painful. How could I ever make it up to her? I tried... Maybe time? Link to post Share on other sites
dgiirl Posted October 25, 2006 Share Posted October 25, 2006 How does someone tell you they love you with all their heart and soul and never talk to you again? Once again, the exact same thing can be said about you? How could a man who claims to love a woman decide to leave her and move in with his exw? I dont care how you explained the situation to you or her, facts are facts. You changed your mind. She changed her mind. She's moved on. It's time for you to do that too. I know you are hurting, and I can empathize a little, but seriously what did you expect? You still dont get it. All you see is your own pain, and how she could do this to you. How could she NOT do this to you? What did you give her, what did you do, that would cause her not to do this? It seems she met a more stable man, and she jumped at the occassion. What sane person wouldnt? Link to post Share on other sites
Author ImInPain Posted October 25, 2006 Author Share Posted October 25, 2006 Gee not very judgemental are we. I offered this woman everything and tried to make my wrongs right. We would not have lasted in the relationship had it continued on the path it was on back then. I did it for many reasons. I never denied loving her and I always will. She has moved on to what will be a rebound guy as he is certainly not more stable than I and SHE KNOWS that. I have a good job and alot going for me. He is a complete loser. Based on what other people have told me. She will see and I am sorry for her. You are right that I am venting my pain and that's all I can do. I don't know and will never realize the true extent of the pain I caused her. I never meant to do it. I know if it is at all like the pain she has caused me it hurts more than anything and I dont know how she dealt with it. I just wish she would have given me the chance that she promised she would. I know in her heart of hearts she loves me and she will miss me and want to be together someday. I will move on, I have no choice but it is not fair to any other woman because I will always love this one with all my heart. True and for real..... Link to post Share on other sites
dgiirl Posted October 25, 2006 Share Posted October 25, 2006 You see it as being judgemental, I see it as being very frank with you. You did not offer this woman everything. You actually LEFT her because she was too "immature" for you, yet you kept her on for 3 years while you lived with your exw. You are not a victim. You made this mess. Put yourself in her shoes! You fall in love with a woman, and after 2 weeks of living together she leaves to go live with her exh. And for 3 years, she professes to still love you, yet she's still living with her exh, and makes no real effort to put you first. I dont quite understand why you have trouble comprehending why she would do what she did. You can continue to wallow in self pity and keep feeling like crap, or own up to what you did and admit that you treated her very badly and this is what happens when you dont treat people properly. C'est la vie and pick your ass up off the floor and keep walking. Hard lesson to learn, but you either learn it, or keep living in missery. It's your choice. But you'll get absolutely nowhere if you keep seeing yourself as a victim. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ImInPain Posted October 25, 2006 Author Share Posted October 25, 2006 Sorry but her and I are both victims and that's sad. I did not live with her for 2 weeks it was a full year. We dated for almost a year before moving in together. I have admitted to treating her badly and told her I never realized how much pain I put her through. I also tried to stop the FWB but she would always beg me to come over. I know it takes 2. Im not wallowing in pity but I miss her and love her and that will not go away. Have you never truly loved someone and made mistakes? Don't you wish you could make them right? Is that so wrong that I wish I could be with her in the right way. That I would do anything for her because I love her from the bottom of my very being. NO BS but real love. Is that so hard to believe. Or should I pay and suffer for the rest of my life for my mistakes? She knows I never meant to hurt her and someday she will forgive me, not forget the pain but she will forgive. There are many reasons I don't comprehend but why people lie is not something anyone should have to comprehend. I never lied or cheated and it would have been much easier if she didn't either. Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts