luvstarved Posted August 28, 2006 Share Posted August 28, 2006 I started the "despondent over sexless marriage" thread and working to save my marriage. My husband and I had a long talk yesterday (and sex today, progress already) but as a result of the conversation I have new thoughts and questions. Quite a few,really but I don't want to go on for too long so I will just ask about one area (for now, at least) First of all, after ten long years I realize my husband is wicked uncomfortable talking about sex. But anyway...in the conversation he said some things about oral sex that I wasn't sure how to interpret. Unfortunately the conversation was kind of staggered due to his obvious embarrassment even having the conversation but three comments stuck out in my mind. I did ask what he meant and tried to get further explanation but he just got kind of evasive, saying he wasn't really sure what he meant, etc 1) "some guys have trouble with the 'mother of their child' thing" I asked him if he meant not wanting mommy to do that,but rather a slut and he said that wasn't really what he meant but could not elaborate. I will say that the nature of our activities did change a lot after our daughter was born 2) "guys tell me that women do not like to give oral sex and stop giving it after they are married" When I assured him that I did not feel that way, he acted sort of surprised. I have no idea why as I have never refused to do it. and certainly no idea why he would bring up this stereotypical notion as though "guys" were a prime source of information... 3) (on giving oral) "I don't remember how I used to feel about it, but I feel differently about it somehow now" I just said he didn't have to do that if he didn't want to and I forget what he said but it gave me the impression that he didn't want to ask for it if he wasn't willing to give and he kind of didn't want to give. In our early relationship he never minded so don't know what's up with that...anyway here we are ten years later and these are the kind of things we're saying? And only because I forced the issue? In retrospect, it is true that I was always the adventurous one, although he seemed to enjoy it. He would be kind of reticent about things, but I guess back then I didn't mind pushing more but heck, he still likes to make little references to some of our more brazen escapades... Anyway I am wondering if I should try showing him just how willing I am and try to reinject adventure into our lives? Or should I take things more slowly. He knows how painful this has all been for me but I don't want to scare him. BTW, we did have actual sex today and I started with oral which he responded to VERY well, but he did seem to want to move on to the main event even though I offered to just finish what I started. I am out of practice to be sure but was definitely not doing a terrible job... Is he just hung up? Or what? He also seemed to think that things should be different "at our age' (mid-forties) and I was like, are you kidding me??? Well any thoughts appreciated... Link to post Share on other sites
Roo Posted August 28, 2006 Share Posted August 28, 2006 IMHO, I'd take it piece by piece I've HEARD that many men do have this trouble relating to their wife/ mother of their children quite the same way after the babies arrive don't they call that the Madonna/whore complex or something?? Perhaps if you go slow he can realize you can be both the Mother and the Tiger in the bedroom? Or perhaps something like role playing would work?? That might be too much for him, but maybe it would allow him to detach it from the MOMMY role a bit more?? Link to post Share on other sites
Author luvstarved Posted August 28, 2006 Author Share Posted August 28, 2006 Thanks Roo, yes that's the name of it! Madonna (but not THAT Madonna lol)/whore... It would be a tremendous relief to learn that our whole problem all this time is just some stupid hangup. We did do some role playing in the past and it worked great but that was like 8 years ago now! I am so hungry that I am ready to pull out all the stops but with his obvious hangups and the depth of the rut we have been in, I do think I had better take it slowly or it all might backfire... Jeez, why is sex such a difficult and delicate issue? Link to post Share on other sites
lovelylady1234 Posted August 28, 2006 Share Posted August 28, 2006 The Madonna/whore complex is very serious and can lead to infidelity on both parts, but I am not 100% sure that's what's going on here. Does he seem sexually disinterested as a whole or just with you? (meaning does he look at porn or masturbate frequently) The true M/W syndrome will have the H hold the wife to standards that he would hold his mother to but still be sexually attracted or active with others he doesn't love, just lusts for. There is a recent pop song that reminds me of this "He wants a lady in the street, but a freak in the bed" Men can be very confusing about all this but your situation all depends on if he is relating this way about all sex or just sex (oral or "regular") with you. Link to post Share on other sites
norajane Posted August 28, 2006 Share Posted August 28, 2006 2) "guys tell me that women do not like to give oral sex and stop giving it after they are married" When I assured him that I did not feel that way, he acted sort of surprised. I have no idea why as I have never refused to do it. and certainly no idea why he would bring up this stereotypical notion as though "guys" were a prime source of information... 3) (on giving oral) "I don't remember how I used to feel about it, but I feel differently about it somehow now" I just said he didn't have to do that if he didn't want to and I forget what he said but it gave me the impression that he didn't want to ask for it if he wasn't willing to give and he kind of didn't want to give. To me, this sounds like he is projecting his disinterest in giving oral to you. Instead of "guys tell me that women do not like to give oral sex and stop after they are married", I think he was telling you that he didn't like giving oral. I think he was hoping that you wouldn't mind not getting oral if he told you he didn't expect oral from you. And maybe was surprised when his plan to reduce his guilt wasn't going to work. Link to post Share on other sites
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