Desperate!!!

[velvet]

We met at high school. After graduation he became involved with my familys company. We were very good friends, we spent all our free time together and we secretly wanted to have each other but did not attempt it.

 

A few years went by,I moved on with my life moving a thousand miles from home. He continued his work with the Co. During the four years I lived away he and I never spoke directly. My family kept me up to date about him. Spoke that he had impregnated his g/f and felt he had to marry her.

 

So the first of 2000 I moved back home, back with the family business. I saw him my first day on the job. He had grown into a beautiful,smart,successful man. As we met all over again he told me he was going through divorce and had moved in with his mother till he was up on his feet again.

 

Months went by and he was always on my mind. I felt extreme attraction for him. So I called him one evening asking how he would feel about a more intimate r/s. He said yes. After seeing each other for a month he backed off and started seeing other people. His reply was he did'nt want to be tied down. It was difficult to accept. So we both saw other people and yet still had sex together occasionaly for a year. Than he said he did not want us to see other people. From that point on he put me through a series of cycles of pushing me away and bringing me back. Over&Over again. He told me on several occasions he loved me, afterwards pushing me away and saying he didnt want to be tied down.

 

I grew tired & told him I was not going to pursue any further. He later called me to say I'm his bestfriend and wanted another chance. I quickly gave in as I always had done in the past year. My attraction for him is always at an extremely severe level so I would give in again&again.

 

He has said he loves me & told me to listen to my heart & he would catch me if I fall. But when I fell I crashed & burned over&over.

 

A month ago I told him I wanted him out of my personal life. Hard because I have had a relationship some how or another with him for a decade now. We now see each other on only at work. Go our seperate ways afterwards. I often run into him at my fathers house. He is tight with my family. When I visit them I see him there almost everytime. My parents say that he has said he doesnt want to see women & that he is a women hater. I recall one time him telling me that Im not like other women because I dont bitch.

 

He is wishy/washy. I have these feelings for him still.

 

Im going to give him some more time to figure out what

 

he wants. Im desperate and confused. Things are so

 

straight at work I fear hes no longer attracted to me. At times I reasure myself we have deep roots for each other and other times Im insecure and wonder if his flame for me is out. He had bought me breakfast one morning and brought it to me. I had asked him to buy me a box of tic tacs one day and he brought me two. Alot of times when we have to talk to each other at work we start raising our voices and pick on each hard till we laugh. But it doesnt go anyfurther. I believe its because I told him to respect that I didnt want him outside of the work area and also his hate for women and wishy/washy mentality.

 

I would love some advice on how to improve our relationship so that he wont fear being close to me.

 

How & when do I lay my cards out on the table.

 

Any advice?

[Tony T]

You want advice on how to improve what relationship???

 

This guy has jerked you back and forth, up and down, chewed you up, spit you out, picked you back up, chewed some more, spit you out over and over and over for ten years and you expect it to change???????? There is NO relationship at all.

 

It ain't going to happen. I don't know what your attraction to him is. Most likely it's very physical because there is simply no way you can love a guy who treats you this bad, who leads you to him, pushes you away, then dates other people, then comes back to you, get another pregnant, marries, divorces, comes back, etc. A lot of this is your fault for contacting him.

 

I wish I could tell you how to make this better but it will take two important things. First, he will have to change in some very important ways and I don't think that will happen. You are going to have to develop a deeper respect for yourself and a healthier self esteem so you won't let yourself get jerked around by this guy for all your precious life on this planet. You only get one trip, you know.

 

I don't care how much you love or care for him, this thing has gone really bad for so long I don't see how it could possibly correct itself.

 

See a professional, licensed therapist or counsellor. Maybe they know some secret tricks for situations like this. If I were you, I'd be moving to another city from this guy.

[velvet]

Weve been seeing each other a year and a half. Not over ten years. We have been friends since the age of 15. I believe our attraction came from our long term friendship. I think his wife changed his outlook on women. So he fears them. I want him to be comfortable around me.

 

You almost sound like a basher yourself. Are you sure YOU dont need the counseling. I bet you too could go together.

 

Im not trying to come down on you but you didnt listen one, or my post didnt make sense to you. Im talking about how to manage the situation when he is afraid of a relationship but yet wants one. I felt I had to push him away BACK until he can make up his mind. Im asking for advice not therapy.

 

 

 

You want advice on how to improve what relationship???

 

This guy has jerked you back and forth, up and down, chewed you up, spit you out, picked you back up, chewed some more, spit you out over and over and over for ten years and you expect it to change???????? There is NO relationship at all. It ain't going to happen. I don't know what your attraction to him is. Most likely it's very physical because there is simply no way you can love a guy who treats you this bad, who leads you to him, pushes you away, then dates other people, then comes back to you, get another pregnant, marries, divorces, comes back, etc. A lot of this is your fault for contacting him. I wish I could tell you how to make this better but it will take two important things. First, he will have to change in some very important ways and I don't think that will happen. You are going to have to develop a deeper respect for yourself and a healthier self esteem so you won't let yourself get jerked around by this guy for all your precious life on this planet. You only get one trip, you know. I don't care how much you love or care for him, this thing has gone really bad for so long I don't see how it could possibly correct itself.

 

See a professional, licensed therapist or counsellor. Maybe they know some secret tricks for situations like this. If I were you, I'd be moving to another city from this guy.

[yes]

if it felt right for him to be with u, he wdnt have fears, he wdnt jerk u around, he'd simply be with u. u've given him nuff chances + a zillion extra... forget him!

 

if at some point in future he realized yr worth, he might come back to u. but be careful b4 taking him back... until it's his own decision - u cant help him in any way. maybe he simply needs to date around more.

 

thats my opinion.

 

best of luck

We met at high school. After graduation he became involved with my familys company. We were very good friends, we spent all our free time together and we secretly wanted to have each other but did not attempt it. A few years went by,I moved on with my life moving a thousand miles from home. He continued his work with the Co. During the four years I lived away he and I never spoke directly. My family kept me up to date about him. Spoke that he had impregnated his g/f and felt he had to marry her.

 

So the first of 2000 I moved back home, back with the family business. I saw him my first day on the job. He had grown into a beautiful,smart,successful man. As we met all over again he told me he was going through divorce and had moved in with his mother till he was up on his feet again. Months went by and he was always on my mind. I felt extreme attraction for him. So I called him one evening asking how he would feel about a more intimate r/s. He said yes. After seeing each other for a month he backed off and started seeing other people. His reply was he did'nt want to be tied down. It was difficult to accept. So we both saw other people and yet still had sex together occasionaly for a year. Than he said he did not want us to see other people. From that point on he put me through a series of cycles of pushing me away and bringing me back. Over&Over again. He told me on several occasions he loved me, afterwards pushing me away and saying he didnt want to be tied down. I grew tired & told him I was not going to pursue any further. He later called me to say I'm his bestfriend and wanted another chance. I quickly gave in as I always had done in the past year. My attraction for him is always at an extremely severe level so I would give in again&again.

 

He has said he loves me & told me to listen to my heart & he would catch me if I fall. But when I fell I crashed & burned over&over. A month ago I told him I wanted him out of my personal life. Hard because I have had a relationship some how or another with him for a decade now. We now see each other on only at work. Go our seperate ways afterwards. I often run into him at my fathers house. He is tight with my family. When I visit them I see him there almost everytime. My parents say that he has said he doesnt want to see women & that he is a women hater. I recall one time him telling me that Im not like other women because I dont bitch. He is wishy/washy. I have these feelings for him still. Im going to give him some more time to figure out what he wants. Im desperate and confused. Things are so straight at work I fear hes no longer attracted to me. At times I reasure myself we have deep roots for each other and other times Im insecure and wonder if his flame for me is out. He had bought me breakfast one morning and brought it to me. I had asked him to buy me a box of tic tacs one day and he brought me two. Alot of times when we have to talk to each other at work we start raising our voices and pick on each hard till we laugh. But it doesnt go anyfurther. I believe its because I told him to respect that I didnt want him outside of the work area and also his hate for women and wishy/washy mentality.

 

I would love some advice on how to improve our relationship so that he wont fear being close to me. How & when do I lay my cards out on the table. Any advice?

[Tony T]

Well, like you said, you've "crashed and burned over and over" (your own words) with this guy. You can continue. That's your choice. There's no advice to give here, I guess. I'm not the kind of person who would recommend that a person live like that.

 

I also don't tell people what they want to hear. But if you come back later, perhaps someone else will tell you what you want to hear.

 

Aside from that, there is nobody on the planet who wants this to work for you more than I do. If I could mix some magic potion, I would.

 

I read your post a second and third time and my opinion is the same. You're right. I probably didn't understand a word of it. I'm not the sharpest knife in the drawer.

 

Yes, I may need counselling for some things. My reading comprehension is pretty good though...but I'm very poor at reading between the lines.

 

We don't need to go back and forth anymore. Let's just hope somebody turns up who understands better what your needs are.

[velvet]

Well, like you said, you've "crashed and burned over and over" (your own words) with this guy. You can continue. That's your choice. There's no advice to give here, I guess. I'm not the kind of person who would recommend that a person live like that. I also don't tell people what they want to hear. But if you come back later, perhaps someone else will tell you what you want to hear. Aside from that, there is nobody on the planet who wants this to work for you more than I do. If I could mix some magic potion, I would. I read your post a second and third time and my opinion is the same. You're right. I probably didn't understand a word of it. I'm not the sharpest knife in the drawer. Yes, I may need counselling for some things. My reading comprehension is pretty good though...but I'm very poor at reading between the lines. We don't need to go back and forth anymore. Let's just hope somebody turns up who understands better what your needs are.

[new guy]

quoted from yes

if it felt right for him to be with u, he wdnt have fears, he wdnt jerk u around, he'd simply be with u. u've given him nuff chances + a zillion extra... forget him!

You know, he's right. Obviously I'm new to the board but looking at your original post could almost send me into a backward spiral because of your absolute willingness to give this guy multiple chances, if I hadn't recently been smacked across the face by reality. Myself, and I'm sure most of the other males on this board didn't even get a second chance when it was requested, much less three, four, five, six, etc. This guy has wronged you every time you've tried to be with him. You said it yourself "you crashed&burned crashed&burned" when he said he'd "be there to catch you when you fall" Most of the guys on this board that want their x's back, including myself, would be overjoyed if their x's were like you simply because you seem to take this guy back whenever he feels like it, time and time again. I'm not trying to be harsh, because I know at a time like this you need support, so try to see that's what everyone who has responded is trying to give you. I believe Tony is right when he says this guy needs to have some serious changes occur that don't seem likely to happen. I'd love for it to work out for you because I know you want it so badly, and I know how that feels, so I really hope it does, just be real careful.

[Ed]

This is one of the best follow up responses I have seen. It was very humble and very concise.

 

There are a lot of people who appreciate it. Especially me!

 

Ed

Well, like you said, you've "crashed and burned over and over" (your own words) with this guy. You can continue. That's your choice. There's no advice to give here, I guess. I'm not the kind of person who would recommend that a person live like that. I also don't tell people what they want to hear. But if you come back later, perhaps someone else will tell you what you want to hear. Aside from that, there is nobody on the planet who wants this to work for you more than I do. If I could mix some magic potion, I would. I read your post a second and third time and my opinion is the same. You're right. I probably didn't understand a word of it. I'm not the sharpest knife in the drawer. Yes, I may need counselling for some things. My reading comprehension is pretty good though...but I'm very poor at reading between the lines. We don't need to go back and forth anymore. Let's just hope somebody turns up who understands better what your needs are.

[Lilly]

So you believe this man really does want a relationship with you but in your eyes that's not happening because he's just afraid (based on his past)?.

 

Seems to me you've got more evidence saying he DOESN'T want a relationship with you than you have saying he does. He's said he doesn't want to be tied down, he's backed off many times, he's gone out with other women, others have said he simply doesn't want to see other women and he's a woman hater.

 

Where's the evidence that he does love you, he does want a relationship with you?... seeing others and having casual sex with you does not count, saying your his best friend, he loves you, he'll catch your fall then going right ahead and pushing you away for the umpteenth time doesn't count, saying you don't bitch like other women isn't saying he loves you (what a compliment!), buying you breakfast or two boxes of tic tac's when you asked for one certainly doesn't count as love or really wanting a relationship with you either. It's an old saying but it holds much wisdom... actions speak far louder than words.

 

I know it hurts but this man has never really been interested in anything more concrete with you right from the start. When he has made up his mind and says yes it's back on again this time and you go back for more, realise that the patterns of a realtionship are established very early... this tossing you out and reeling you back in is a recurring pattern, no?.

 

It is up to him to manage his past emotional baggage when and if he's ready... no amount of improving on your end is going to yield you the results you want now. You availed yourself to him intimately when he was still going through his divorce, still dealing emotionally from his past. Before you jump into another relationship with both feet, wait until the other person is well and truly over their last relationship. This guy was still in the wash-up mode which is always wish-washy in the wake of another ship's departure. Best to wait until the waters are very calm again.

 

I'm sorry you've allowed yourself to be treated like this for so long. He does not love you, he does not want a relationship with you... these are the facts. Stop putting your spin on things and look at reality which does bite. I can't tell you what you want to hear either nor can I give you advice on improving something that was doomed from the start.... feel free to have a go at me.

[velvet]

I appreciate the advice from you all.

 

I agree with each one of you, though its painful trying

 

to understand why this came from someone I have felt so close to for so many years.

 

In the start of our romantic r/s I fell fast because we had a GREAT past & I believed it was enough to build a good r/s.

 

I feel angry. Angry because I dont understand why he cant stop in place just for a second and jsut look me in the eyes and appologize. Does he know what he's done to me or is he in denial?

 

All people have emotions and feelings. He acts like he has no heart, no cares. I know he does but its all about himself.I just want to get close to his face and SCREAM "WAKE UP".

 

I would feel so much better if he could appologize and tell me that if he could he would take all the aggravation and pain away. I just wish I knew how he feels about himself, me, and what he loves in life and what he doesnt. I dont know him anymore he has so many faces and so much anger.

 

I cant help him, I just have to help myself.

[Lilly]

Velvet,

 

You sound like a wonderful girl with the compassion, empathy and patience of a saint who gave her heart to the wrong person.

 

Many people treat their partner with more jealousy, expectations, demands and ownership - and with less appreciation, respect and sensitivity - than they would a friend. He treated you great as a friend but very poorly in an intimate relationship, it's not unusual. I had the misfortune of hooking up with someone for a brief time who treated me like crap yet to his friends he extended all the respect and understanding which should have also gone to the lady in his life.... I remember telling him "if only your friends knew how you treated women they wouldn't think the sun shone out of your ass as they do", he agreed.

 

Unfortunately no, his self-centeredness and "the world revolves around me" mentality does not allow him to see beyond his own nose to feel for another... otherwise he wouldn't have treated you as he has, do not expect him to wake up to himself now. Blame is the calling card of these types of men. My guess is he painted his ex to be the most god awful person under the sun (you sympathised right?), it's called projection... he is in fact the one that is damaged (women do not bitch and nag when they are being treated with respect and love).

 

I can understand and relate to wanting an apology, believing that will take the pain away. It will not end your pain though, it will perpetuate it. Try and let go wishing you knew how he feels about things... what's going on in his world, it is no longer relevant and will only keep your energy pouring out to him... haven't you given enough of your power to him?. Hold your head up high and walk away physically and mentally. If you need to do anything to release your anger and negativity, write down your hurts, thoughts and feelings... then burn or destroy them. Then get on with your life. Stay true to yourself.

[velvet]

We had the talk. You may have not taking a liking to me. And I could be talking into air.

 

But here it goes:

 

Saturday night I had a date. My ex was working on a rental house up the road from me. I stopped in to check things out. Invited him over for a drink before my date. I told him straight up that I was going on a date at 9pm and the person was to pick me up.

 

He came over and I had one drink with him. After an hour and a half I told him that I was still is pain that our r/s didnt work out. He changed the subject immediately. So I said Im still intensely attracted to you. He got up and said were just friends and walked out the door.

 

The next day he came by twice and hung out with me for a while just to have normal & freindly chit chat.

 

Monday afternoon at work. All the office staff left for the day and he came in and told me that he is not interested in the responsiblity of a r/s and that he had an affair on his wife. And also said that he was not looking for a r/s or to get La**. But would take where ever and from who ever would give it. He said that he is a dog. And wants sex with no strings attatched. He also mentiond that my father doenst want us dating. He has said that for over a year. I dont believe that my father would stand in his way, if he wanted me so.

 

He is so wishy washy I fear that tommorrow he will want a r/s and the next, well, not.

 

So I have to let him be. It hurts like I lost my best freind.

 

In the mean time Im dating and just taking care of me the way I should be taking care of.

 

Thanks for listening

[Tony T]

It's best that you do take care of yourself. If this guy was interested in you in any meaningful way, he would show it.

 

You're likely to get more attention from him once you stay our of his face and out of his life.

 

You deserve better anyway.

[yes]

i read your message abotu the police guy ..... my god - so many guys ruin their image but calling too much!...

 

i think what you could do is simply tell him that you're busy doing this and that and that, so u will call him back when u'r free. that way he won't call u 5 times a night, yet u'r in contact ... If he does call again even though u said u'd call back - tell him exactly that! - "i said i'd call back when i can and i will... talk later" ...

 

That's the only thing i can think of!

 

best of luck.

 

PS u'r SO right about letting 'em wait n think b4 seeing u again.. just gotta remember to do that even if u like the guy!

[Tony T]

You got it right...there!!!

[velvet]

I dont recall ever giving anyone the impression that Im really sooo interested in the person. I thing I give everyone the same impression. A couple weeks ago I went on a blind date and even though I realized that I didnt want to go out with him a second time I didnt act any different with him than I would the person I would be more interested in. After the date he asked if he could have the pleasure of calling me later and I just smiled and gave him a good excuse not to call me. He smiled back and that was that.

 

I feel that its the mans duty to ask me out again or call me if he is interested. I think if a women calls to show interest than it can turn the man off because he already knows that he can have her.

 

 

 

i read your message abotu the police guy ..... my god - so many guys ruin their image but calling too much!... i think what you could do is simply tell him that you're busy doing this and that and that, so u will call him back when u'r free. that way he won't call u 5 times a night, yet u'r in contact ... If he does call again even though u said u'd call back - tell him exactly that! - "i said i'd call back when i can and i will... talk later" ... That's the only thing i can think of! best of luck. PS u'r SO right about letting 'em wait n think b4 seeing u again.. just gotta remember to do that even if u like the guy!