I'm at my witts end and feel empty, need advice,

[McWilly]

This is so insane. I am married to my husband for 14 years. We married when I was 22 and he 27. I had been on my own for a year with my best friend when we met on vacation. I was 21 then. He still lived at home. He said he was saving his money for the future. When we engaged, we were madly in love. He asked me to move from my hometown in NYC to NJ where he lived all his life and just secured a good job. I had been seeing him for 2 years and his folks were kind to me, however, after uprooting myself to an apartment in the town where he lived, it quickly became apparent to me that future mom and dad had too much to say, including that their son wasn't ready for marriage.

 

He would never stay overnight because mom frowned on this. OK, I came from an Irish/Catholic background too, so I understood this. Here comes the insane part. We married, moved to another town about 15 minutes away and before I knew it, my husband was going to his mom's house for lunch. His office was 5 minutes from there and 20 from his new home. Two years later, I was home with my first child and quite lonely. I resented his going to his mom's for lunch more than ever. My feelings were met with the reply that I was trying to tear him away from his family. Meanwhile, my family was an hour away. I could only see them about every 2 weeks or so. My husband began traveling extensively for his job when I was pregnant with my 2nd child. I was so lonely and stressed out. His mother asked what was up and made her feelings known to her son and I that I should be supporting his career. Why wouldn't I just travel with him. I tried this for a year and it was so horrible to be stuck in some unknown state in a condo where nothing was childproof. I began staying at home again right after my son was born. The entire pregnancy was a nightmare because my mother-in-law began instigating that my state-of-mind was harmful to my 3 year old. It was so bad that I began keeping myself and the kids away from the in-laws. I wrote mom a letter trying to explain that she was way out of line and ruining my marriage. The letter I got back said "someday I would understand when my son grew up and I looked at that little boy and didn't want to see him unhappy". That little boy, my husband, was 32 years old at the time. I began trying to stop fighting a loosing battle. My mothem-in-law has done things like call my husband at 6am to say don't forget to pack warm clothes because where he is going is cold. She continued to buy him socks and underware for years when she was at the outlet stores. When they come to my new home, 10 minutes further away than the last one, they comment about how much money we are spending on fixing it up. They say I forced us to get us into a money-pit in so maney words. Today I have 3 kids, number 3 came along not planned after a night out and my guard was down. She's a wonderful child. I have tried every which way to get my in-laws out of our marriage. My husband refuses to see the dire importance. The latest is that instead of taking a company limo for business travel. His dad comes at the crack of dawn to drive him to the airport and they both go pick him up. Every time they bring him home, I am subjected to derrogatory comments. I have begged my husband to stop this, I have threatened him that I am starting to despise him. Nothing works. I need to keep this marriage together for my 3 wonderful children. However, how can I live with this terrible emotional abuse. Help, Help, Help.

[Totally Confused]

What is that saying, "Never get involved with a man who is married, gay or still attached to his mother." You are fighting a losing battle. You are married to a momma's boy. The umbilical cord is still attached and it's not going to be severed any time soon. The mother doesn't want it to and neither does your husband. She'll never let go of him and he will always resent you if you try to tear them apart. He won't understand, he's had this for way too long and would feel empty w/o his mother. Elvis Presley was the same way with his mom. After his mother died, his music career went down hill and he fell into a deep depression. The same will happen with your husband. The only way this will change is if he wants it to. The only way way a person wants change is when they hit a pain threshold, which he has never hit. You are supposed to be the most important thing in his life. You and the kids, not the mother. He's never grown up. and sacrifice goes both ways. He should also be sacrificing things for you and the children. His selfish mother should also be thinking of you and the children, but she's only thinking of herself and her son. There are so many movies on TV that are similar to the situation you are going through. Rent the movie "Hush". It's a terrible movie and it's slightly different, but it's the same jist. Also there was a movie on TV about an Italian mother, that tried to get rid of and chase her two sons wives away, which is actually more similar to the situation you are experiencing. I'll try to figure out what it's called, it could be very helpful to you.

 

Anyway, what these women ended up having to do, is what you're going to have to do. You're going to have to leave him and take the kids. If he loves you, he'll come back to you and he'll hit his pain threshold and realize he has to make some changes or lose you forever. His mother will hate you, but who cares. That's one person you want out of your life. How you're living is no way for someone to live. A constant ache and loss of control over your family and life. The constant manipulations. If you can get him into couples therapy, that would be great, but sometimes difficult. All I know is you have to do something, and crying about it isn't going to get you anywhere. Talking to him about it will only make you feel insane and crazy after a while, he won't listen. You are in last place and you are fighting a losing battle. You can't make them change, so you're going to have to change. You can't sit around waiting for her to die (Please don't kill her) hoping things will change once she's gone, and you can't live like this anymore. So take the necessary steps, when you're ready. I hope things work out and I hope you find the strength to walk away.

[McWilly]

What is that saying, "Never get involved with a man who is married, gay or still attached to his mother." You are fighting a losing battle. You are married to a momma's boy. The umbilical cord is still attached and it's not going to be severed any time soon. The mother doesn't want it to and neither does your husband. She'll never let go of him and he will always resent you if you try to tear them apart. He won't understand, he's had this for way too long and would feel empty w/o his mother. Elvis Presley was the same way with his mom. After his mother died, his music career went down hill and he fell into a deep depression. The same will happen with your husband. The only way this will change is if he wants it to. The only way way a person wants change is when they hit a pain threshold, which he has never hit. You are supposed to be the most important thing in his life. You and the kids, not the mother. He's never grown up. and sacrifice goes both ways. He should also be sacrificing things for you and the children. His selfish mother should also be thinking of you and the children, but she's only thinking of herself and her son. There are so many movies on TV that are similar to the situation you are going through. Rent the movie "Hush". It's a terrible movie and it's slightly different, but it's the same jist. Also there was a movie on TV about an Italian mother, that tried to get rid of and chase her two sons wives away, which is actually more similar to the situation you are experiencing. I'll try to figure out what it's called, it could be very helpful to you. Anyway, what these women ended up having to do, is what you're going to have to do. You're going to have to leave him and take the kids. If he loves you, he'll come back to you and he'll hit his pain threshold and realize he has to make some changes or lose you forever. His mother will hate you, but who cares. That's one person you want out of your life. How you're living is no way for someone to live. A constant ache and loss of control over your family and life. The constant manipulations. If you can get him into couples therapy, that would be great, but sometimes difficult. All I know is you have to do something, and crying about it isn't going to get you anywhere. Talking to him about it will only make you feel insane and crazy after a while, he won't listen. You are in last place and you are fighting a losing battle. You can't make them change, so you're going to have to change. You can't sit around waiting for her to die (Please don't kill her) hoping things will change once she's gone, and you can't live like this anymore. So take the necessary steps, when you're ready. I hope things work out and I hope you find the strength to walk away.

Thanks for taking the time to answer. You are right, however, walking away with 3 kids who have no clue anything is wrong would probably screw them up big-time. I am thinking of leaving perhaps for the entire holiday with my kids and not letting on to them why. My mammas boy will know why. We shall see what happens. I really do feel stupid for an intelligent young woman. Love really is blind.

[Totally Confused]

Walking away from your husband may not be good for the children, but staying in the situation with them is not any better. They can see the mental anguish you're going through. I know you are thinking of the kids, but this is not a healthy situation for you or anyone to have to be in. You don't have to shut them off from their father. You don't have to say anything negative to your children about him, but I think that it might be a good idea to explain it to the children. Explaining a situation won't screw them up big time, negative actions or situations w/o explanations, will screw them up bigtime. If a child is in a terrible situation, for example a parent divorcing, if a parent or councelor or someone doesn't explain what's going on and take the time to make sure the child understands, the child will draw up their own conclusiions. Usually they'll blame themselves. Maybe if you slowly explain things to your children before you take any action to leave, just to see how your kids handle it. The only thing I can tell, is you've got to do something. I hope you are able to find the strength to figure it all out in the end. In the end, we've got to do what's we think is best and I'm sure whatever decision you make will be the right one for you. I hope everything works out.