SIGNALS??

[scotch]

I have been talking to this guy for the last couple months. We went out a few times alone, a lot with a group, and he calls me and I call him.

 

His ex gf is coming into town from a different state AND she is staying with him. He dated her for 8 years. I am not naive in the sense I KNOW something is going to happen between them, and I would not believe him if he said nothing happened. I find it a turn off BUT we arent together. I dont expect anything from him.

 

He called me last night and was telling me he wishes she wasnt coming, he will be babysitting, why drudge up old feelings, he doesnt know why he said she could stay with him, etc.

 

Now, I am thinking he is trying to tell me something BUT cant come out and say it- BUT that does not make our situation any better....

 

He wants to have his cake and eat it too....He wants me hanging around!

 

Let me know what you think.

 

Thanks!!

[Tony T]

A lot of bonds are made during an eight year relationship that are not easily severed. Depending on the nature of their relationship, they may have formed at least a lasting friendship.

 

YOU WRITE: "I am thinking he is trying to tell me something BUT cant come out and say it- BUT that does not make our situation any better...."

 

What he's trying to tell you is that he wishes she wasn't coming, he will be babysitting, why drudge up old feelings, and why he agreed to let her stay with him. No, it doesn't make your situation any better but you don't have a situation. You've only gone out with him alone a few times and you talk on the phone. Do the math...you've gone out with him two times, he dated her for EIGHT years...let's see now???

 

2. "He wants to have his cake and eat it too....He wants me hanging around!"

 

He doesn't consider you cake at all. You're a nice girl who he's gone out with a few times and has seen along with other friends. You're a nice gal he's called on the phone and perhaps hopes something may happen in the future.

 

He has no idea how you feel about him and, in his mind a girl who he's seen a few times on dates couldn't possibly be disturbed by him having a visitor he used to date.

 

So all that being said, you would make an absolute fool out of yourself if you told him this ex's visit bothered you because you just don't have enough going with him at the moment to justify that.

 

You have no business speculating that the two of them may have a sex marathon while she's there because he may very well find her quite repulsive at this time. I know of many situations EXACTLY like this where the guy really wished he hadn't made the invite. A lot of feelings change when people are apart. Unless he is the horniest guy in town, the sex thing is in limbo. Even if it does, it is not your place to be suspect. You have no intimate ties to him whatsoever.

 

I do understand what you're feeling, though. You think of this guy a whole lot and are looking forward to things getting better in the future, obviously. You need to communicate that to him. Had you done that, he wouldn't have invited this gal to stay with him, perhaps out of guilt. People do a lot of strange things they regret later.

 

So I hope you will be the kind of girl that every man dreams of...don't read anything into stuff; communicate your feelings; refuse to get unjustifiably jealous; move at a decent pace, etc.

 

If you continue to see him after his visitor leaves, you better start talking to him and letting him know you are hoping this leads somewhere. If he invites her again, dump his butt...but don't make in threats in advance. If after you tell him where you hope the two of you will go he invites her again, that's a major statement.

 

Right now, you have nothing to say about how he lives his life.

[Scorpio]

...there's no particular reason why you can't ask for clarification, if the subject comes up again before she arrives. I don't think it's prying to ask what he thinks his ex-girlfriend has in mind (by that I mean is she coming to town for some other reason and just staying with him, or coming for the purpose of visiting him specifically?) or similar general questions. He's the one who raised the subject with YOU, so he can hardly blame you for being curious. It sounds like he called you specifically to talk about this.

 

Yes, it IS possible he wants to have his cake and eat it too (which I took to mean "keep me in reserve while he pursues something with his ex"). There are also about 10,000 other possibilities which fit the limited facts, and until he tells you something more specific (which may not happen until you ask him) there isn't much point in speculating.

I have been talking to this guy for the last couple months. We went out a few times alone, a lot with a group, and he calls me and I call him. His ex gf is coming into town from a different state AND she is staying with him. He dated her for 8 years. I am not naive in the sense I KNOW something is going to happen between them, and I would not believe him if he said nothing happened. I find it a turn off BUT we arent together. I dont expect anything from him. He called me last night and was telling me he wishes she wasnt coming, he will be babysitting, why drudge up old feelings, he doesnt know why he said she could stay with him, etc. Now, I am thinking he is trying to tell me something BUT cant come out and say it- BUT that does not make our situation any better.... He wants to have his cake and eat it too....He wants me hanging around! Let me know what you think. Thanks!!

[Sue]

Hi-

 

I wanted to respond to give you a different perspective on things. I'm actually in the position of the ex. Your bf's ex that is. To be honest with you, your post sounded like you are acting like you are his gf. I agree with Tony in that simply because you hang out and talk to him does not in any way mean you should be questioning him about his time and who he spends it with. If you do this, I guarantee you will drive him away. There are alot of factors that we do not know about here- perhaps she wants him back, perhaps they are really just friends, and perhaps he's holding on to her. We don't know. Either way time will tell. In many situations I have seen like this, the guy is usually holding on to the ex as a safety, but more times than not, ends up going back. I get the feeling like you are a person with whom he is kinda rebounding with. Someone who has been in a relationship for 8 years is going to need to test out the waters- and I think that is what he is doing with you. If you want things to go further I suggest you speak to him about this, but in no way pressure him. This seems like a very tricky situation and I can say if he continues to keep the ex around it is for a reason, and it's better you get out now versus way down the road when your in over your head.

 

Best of luck !

I have been talking to this guy for the last couple months. We went out a few times alone, a lot with a group, and he calls me and I call him. His ex gf is coming into town from a different state AND she is staying with him. He dated her for 8 years. I am not naive in the sense I KNOW something is going to happen between them, and I would not believe him if he said nothing happened. I find it a turn off BUT we arent together. I dont expect anything from him. He called me last night and was telling me he wishes she wasnt coming, he will be babysitting, why drudge up old feelings, he doesnt know why he said she could stay with him, etc. Now, I am thinking he is trying to tell me something BUT cant come out and say it- BUT that does not make our situation any better.... He wants to have his cake and eat it too....He wants me hanging around! Let me know what you think. Thanks!!