At what point do I lose myself in someone else?

[Guest]

I've read these forums for the last couple weeks, looking, searching I guess for answers to my own problems. Thanks to all, if only so that I can see I'm not alone.

 

Feel free to comment on my situation if you like, though I hope just writing it out to a bunch of random people might help me some.

 

6 months ago, I met a wonderful women. It wasn't instant attraction, but 5 minutes after talking to her, I was stunned by how incredible she was. The rest of that evening we talked and flirted and got to know each other a little bit.

 

A couple weeks passed before we talked again, and that soon began a few months of talking for 2 hours a day, calling over lunch etc. Of course after a while, there was really nothing left to say, but that didn't matter, we would just

"be together" on the phone. ( I realize my time lines might jump around a little bit here, my apologies ) we would also see each other once or twice a week.

 

Very soon after we met, she was very upfront with me that she had ended a long relationship 6 months prior, and that she was not ready for a relationship with anyone. I accepted that at the time, and we continued to be very close.

 

Our first two months were filled with alot of happiness, and closeness. While our relationship was never overly sexual, it was very, what's the word??? sensual? I dunno, we were intimate with each other.

 

During this time, I knew that she had a difficult past, and I tried my very best to be the best friend I could to her. There was, and suppose there still is, nothing I wouldn't do for her.

 

But she obviously has a fear of commitment, and will not allow herself to let go while she deals with her current relationship troubles. She would mention it from time to time, however her actions were never of the same conviction. I was losing myself in this relationship. I wanted her to be the one for me.. After the first two months I had fallen in love with her.

 

And while I knew we had a struggle ahead of us, I figured she was worth the wait...the last 4 months however have been a downhill spiral for us. Where we used to talk for hours ever day turned into 10 minutes, which turned into missing a few days. Our intimacy dwindled, and IMO we became less then friends. We both share 2 or 3 commitments in our lives that we both enjoy and share together, however I've started to feel like a warm body to attend these things, instead of someone that she wants to do these thing with.

 

I've mentioned a few times, in a very poor and akward manner I might add, that I've been thinking about things between us. She never wants to talk about it, and says I think things are fine, same as they've always been. You're making too big of a deal about all this.

 

So during those earlier times, I sort of agreed, hey I have my own issues, maybe I am making a big deal out of nothing. But I can't explain my feelings of lonliness even when I'm with her.

 

I have no doubt that she loved and cared about me once, but I don't think that is true today.

 

This weekend, I mentioned it again, 6 months later, I asked if she would be better off with out me.. I told her that after all this time I hadn't quite realized that she was not ready to be with anyone, myself included. In typical fashion, she had little to say other than things are fine.

 

Things are not fine. She is always in my mind, she can't even ask if I'm ok when I get hurt.

 

I went thru a long while being angry with her when she treated me with little regard, or caring. While I have been everything she needed from me, she has been very little of what I needed for her.. all the while thinking that when she's ready, it would have all been worth it.

 

I'm not angry at her anymore. You can't make someone care about you. If you asked her, she would swear up and down that she does, but it's the little things that tell the real story, and perhaps I need more then she has to give to prove it to myself.

 

With all she's dealing with, me laying it out this weekend no doubt made things worse between us, but was I wrong to do that? do my feelings not count? should I have to suffer while she leans on me?

 

What's that quote from the movie Singles... in another life we would have been a smoking couple.

[vi_pn]

You're not wrong for having "self-respect"...so feel good that you stood your ground.

 

But at this point...I believe it would be best to move along. If she really wants something more with you...she'd let you know.

[norajane]

I was losing myself in this relationship. I wanted her to be the one for me..

 

A healthy relationship isn't one where you lose yourself in another. It's one where both of you give 100% and create something more together.

 

What triggered the downward spiral after the 2nd month when you fell in love with her? Did you start calling more often while she called less? Did you ask her out more often? Did you tell her your feelings?

 

She may have realized that you were far more into her than she was ready for, so she started backing off. The more you pressed her, the more she backed off...someone who isn't ready for a relationship is likely to back off if she's feeling pressure to be in a relationship even if you don't think you are pressuring her.

 

At this point, you've expressed your feelings and she doesn't want to really discuss hers. You have two options. You can continue to try to be friends with her and let her 'lean on you' or you can back way off and stop contacting her so much. If you want to get over her and stop thinking about her, then you back all the way away and don't contact her at all.

 

Usually when people say they can't handle a relationship or don't want to be in one or aren't ready, you are better off if you believe them and don't think you can change their mind, or think you can wait for them. While you're trying to change them or are waiting, you're passing up the other people who might be ready to be with someone.

 

I'm sorry, sweets. I know you're hurting now. Best thing to do is focus on yourself and on doing things that make you feel good.

[Guest]

I don't believe I did anything differant then I ever did before. As for calling, she always called me, I very rarely called her. I would ask her do things from time to time, and in the beginning she would agree, but lately she either says no, or bails on our plans.

 

I was upfront with my feelings from the very beginning, though I have not actually told her I loved her. I would like to, but I know it would make things worse then better right now.

 

I value her friendship, and while it's torture sometimes knowing that, at least for the next while,if ever there will never be anything more, I'm no debating whether I should call her to say hello. I keep repeating to myself "it's better this way" and maybe it is, but why am I trying to convince myself of that?

 

 

Thank you for your responses. I appreciate it.

[Mary3]

Quote : " I don't want to be in a relationship " really means " I don't want to be in a relationship with YOU :"

 

Its all there really. Everything she said. You wished for more. You got zero.

 

Believe her when she says something that she does not want.