yousaveme Posted August 28, 2006 Share Posted August 28, 2006 while here it is. I met a great guy on a dating. He is married with two kids. I was in a realtionship at the time we met. We basically were looking for the same thing friends with benefits. It took another direction, We fell in love. And hard. We talked all the time. Any chance we got , even if it was for a quick I LOVE YOU. i broke off my relationship and we grew so close. We talked about having kids, and what our wedding would be like. And even when we argued there was so much passion. He always told me that i made him feel alive. The thing was he did the same for me. we talked about him leaving his wife and it always came back to the same thing the kids. He basically grew up in a fatherless upbringing and wanted the best for his kids. Even if it meant he would have to suffer. Well , 8 months passed. With everyday being the same. We love eachother like no other. The day finally came she overheard him talking to me in the bathroom we were arguing but it was basically over. I txted him after like i had normally did with and I LOVE YOU. She found it, confronted him and called me. Yelling, cursing. I'm sure you can imagine it. I got intouch with him the following day, he was nervous, scared. Didnt want to hurt the kids. She flipped out but not like we had both expected we thought she would throw him out the door no chances no questions. While she didnt wanted him to stay for the best interest of the kids. Try and work it out and talk more openly. He asked her several times if she wanted a divorce him to leave she said no , even though she knew he was staying for the kids and not her. She said she that it would have been more easier if it was only a sex thing, but knowing that we are in love hurts her more. She wanted him to call me and tell me he lied never loved me and doesnt , she wanted me to hurt as bad as she was. I had changed my number so he said he was happy he didnt have to do that since he just couldnt say those words to me. We ended it again for the best interest of his kids. We try and talk as much as we can. She watched his every move. We do talk just about everyday and our feeling havent changed for one another. He tells me he loves her because she is the mother of his kids but that he is in love with me and because he loves the kids and wants the best for them he has to put aside what he wants. I hurt so bad ...My insides are empty..I cant sleep.. Think or anything. Its been 3 weeks. We still say our feeling are the same , we still say i love you. He tells me he cant make promises but hope we can be together again. Am i going insane? I had surgery recently and he was worried about me. She knew it and made her comments or his feelings for me. How can things work with them two when his says i'm in his heart? And he loves me? I just wish my heart didnt hurt so bad....What is with me? And what is going to happen to us? It feels like its not over , i mean it does and is doesnt. Does that make any sense? HELP Link to post Share on other sites
LuvStruck Posted August 28, 2006 Share Posted August 28, 2006 You must realize that there's no gain from being involved with a married man, especially one with kids. He may care for you but he may not neccessarily love you. His 1st priority and committment will be and has been to his family. I've never seen when these situations result in a happy ending, only more heartache, resentment and of course insanity. The real definition of insanity is, 'doing the same thing over and over, expecting a different result....'. You see you expect his situation to change but it won't, not as long as he's married and stringing you along to have his cake, icing and candles to go along with it. My advice would be for you to take an assessment of yourself and determine whether or not your insanity and dignity is worth jeopardizing for some spare part. You're more valuable than being someone's stepping stone...... Good luck! Link to post Share on other sites
Author yousaveme Posted August 29, 2006 Author Share Posted August 29, 2006 i guess at somepoint i should blame myself for this heartache. Link to post Share on other sites
Author yousaveme Posted August 29, 2006 Author Share Posted August 29, 2006 i so confused....Should i stop communication with him? I really didnt know what i'm doing here or what he is doing... Sometimes i wonder if we can just be friends and at others i'm wondering if we are staying close so if things dont workout that we will have eachother. I have heard alot of stories with the bad endings and then i have heard of the happy endings. I guess i just keep hoping for the happy ending. Its also been hard since we live about 3 mins from one another in the same town. I talked with him twice yesterday and he wants me to call this morning. I also dont understand how SHE (the wife) can just hang on knowing what he feels for me. I have been wondering if she just doesnt want to lose him to me. ( god , i sound full of myself). But i do wonder that...If he just left would she hang on? Or is it because we love each other and she doesnt want to lose. She continues to mention to him that she knows he has feelings for me. Why does she do that if she wanted him to stay for the kids? I have never felt like this....Why is this so hard? Link to post Share on other sites
silktricks Posted August 29, 2006 Share Posted August 29, 2006 You know, of course, that what he says to you and what he says to his wife are probably far differnt. He probably tells his wife that he loves HER, and that you are just a little on the side, don't mean anything, etc. etc. The best thing for YOU is to have no further contact with him. Cut him out of your life, totally. It will hurt - just as any wound hurts. But if you cut him out, then you have a chance to heal. Otherwise, keeping in contact you are just re-injuring yourself over and over and over. The MM will complain, will try to contact you, will tell you he loves you, can't live without you, etc. etc. If all those things are true, and you totally cut off contact with him, then he will resolve the issue. But the odds are truly high that you will in time move on to someone else and he will stay with his wife, and find someone else to have on the side. Link to post Share on other sites
lostsoul66 Posted August 29, 2006 Share Posted August 29, 2006 It's my belief that love is the single most emotion through which any and all other emotions may be experienced. Depending upon which way the love goes, you can experience the full gamut of emotions from the highest of soulfilled joy to the deepest black hole of dispair. That is what makes situations like yours, mine, and many others on these posts so difficult. They elicit so many emotions at one time that it is almost impossible to cope with. And unfortunately for us, we tend to rely on the actions of the other person in the situation to determine outcome thereby the resolve of our jumble of emotions. So I guess my point is, at some point "you have to get busy livin' or get busy dyin' " because you can't spend your life in between. Your OM has descisions to make regarding his life and you can't be waiting around for that to happen because you could wait forever and still not get what you want or deserve. I'm not saying that he won't leave his wife and family someday to be with you. There is always a chance for that. And I'm not saying that it wouldn't work out like all the statistics say. I'm just saying that right now, it is probably best to get on with living your life or you may just be stuck waiting and that's no way to live. Sorry for the long-winded reply. Good luck to you. Link to post Share on other sites
BUTAFLY Posted August 29, 2006 Share Posted August 29, 2006 Well, you know where you went wrong, so I will leave that be. He was more wrong because he created this fantacy with you and coaxed you into believing it. The talk about marriage and weddings was just cruel becasue like you mentioned, he said he doesn't want to leave his kids in a broken home. Right their tells you he will never be with you.(I have issues w/that excuse, but anyway..) Please cut off all contact with this guy. Take it from me who went through the gammet of confused emotions- should we stay friends?, do I end it? Do yourself a favor and end it. The relationship is not going any further than what it is, he already gave you a 'clade tight' excuse by using the kids as his way out. He never intended on doing those things or progressing the relationship. I know its hard to believe, I know the things he said seemed sincere, I know your pain is real:(, but this is all part of the deceptive web these liars spin to keep you close and the wife even closer. Stay strong we're here when you want to vent. Link to post Share on other sites
Author yousaveme Posted August 29, 2006 Author Share Posted August 29, 2006 I know ....Its my fault for falling for him in the beginning. Ive asked him so many questions the past few weeks its crazy. Just wish i didnt fall so damn hard.. Why was i so weak? And why am i so weak now? My stomach is in knots knowing i am supoose to call him in a bit. Ive said it to him before that maybe we shouldnt talk and then i go back on my word and he of course tells me he loves me. That word LOVE such a strong word that i feel i will never find anything because of him. I cant even look at another guy without thinking about HIM. He says he wants me happy. "Happy, I cant even stop crying" Link to post Share on other sites
BUTAFLY Posted August 29, 2006 Share Posted August 29, 2006 I know ....Its my fault for falling for him in the beginning. Ive asked him so many questions the past few weeks its crazy. Just wish i didnt fall so damn hard.. Why was i so weak? And why am i so weak now? My stomach is in knots knowing i am supoose to call him in a bit. Ive said it to him before that maybe we shouldnt talk and then i go back on my word and he of course tells me he loves me. That word LOVE such a strong word that i feel i will never find anything because of him. I cant even look at another guy without thinking about HIM. He says he wants me happy. "Happy, I cant even stop crying" He know those words mean somthing, thats why he says it to you and to his wife. He's using it to brake you down/ make you weak and it works like a charm doesn't it? This man doesn't know what love is and if this is his version of love then you don't want it! Ha..call him for what?...so he can whisper more sweet nothings? So he can pacify you with more lies? Don't do this to yourself...DON'T CALL HIM Link to post Share on other sites
Author yousaveme Posted August 29, 2006 Author Share Posted August 29, 2006 well, like an idiot i answered the phone when he called. I tried to be calm , that lasted all of 15 mins. We talked about the whole thing. I told him I dont think he would ever leave even if we didnt get caught. We argued for awhile. Problem is we know eachother so well. I have surgery tomorrow and we talked about that. I feel like a broken record. I blame myself for this. I knew he was maried , I knew he had kids. I knew he always wanted better for his kids then he had. I should have left the situtation. This is my fault. I should have stayed in my relationship worked it out and forgot about HIM. Now i'm here. Feeling like crap, but still in love with him. My ex has tried to get back in the picture and has said that he will deal with how i feel. I have to try and take care of myself. Part of having my illness is taking care of myself and hoping for the best outcome. Like a fool i told him if things goes wrong tomorrow i want him to be happy. And the I LOVE HIM. Of course his answer to me was that i need to wake up from the surgery tomorrow and that would make him happy. I'm a hopeless cause. I'm holding on to what? Was or is this love or have i just been a joke? Link to post Share on other sites
lovelorcet Posted August 29, 2006 Share Posted August 29, 2006 This may seem hard, but this story is a dime a dozen and to think otherwise is making a joke out of yourself. Learn something from it and move on with your life. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted August 29, 2006 Share Posted August 29, 2006 Ive said it to him before that maybe we shouldnt talk and then i go back on my word and he of course tells me he loves me Yes, he is going to tell you what you want to hear so he can keep you in his life...Not in a malcious or mean way, but in a selfish way...Why would he want to give you up? I mean, he has his wife at home, his family, friends, inlaws, the house, a life built already...Then he has you to fulfill more needs that maybe his wife can't or isn't giving him. WHY on earth would he want to give that up?? Please, think about it...Take a step back and realize, that he is lying to his wife, so don't fool yourself into thinking he is completely honest with you! Again, it's not malcious lying to you, but he is manipulating the situation so it suits him best. He obviously cares about you and has feelings for you, but it isn't enough for him to end his marriage, change all that he knows and is comfortable with to be with you... Your emotions are clouding your judgement when it comes to him, and he knows exactly which buttons to push with you so you'll react the "right" way...He gets what he wants...You, but on his terms. You deserve more than this!! Even though you love him and want him, he hurts you, makes you cry. Is he worth it??? Is putting in 100% and not getting back what you need and deserve enough for you?? Personally, I don't think it is, you want more, rightfully so...But when you involve yourself with a MM, you cannot expect much back because he can't give you what you want. End it! Tell him what you two are doing is wrong, it's killing you and you can't put up with it any longer. Then, walk away. Get therapy if you need it to help you cope through the pain and loss of him. Link to post Share on other sites
Author yousaveme Posted August 29, 2006 Author Share Posted August 29, 2006 your right my emotions have been clouding my judgement. I have gotten sick again and i havent been focusing on my health. He has been telling me to get healthy and that i need to focus on getting healthy. I do have to say that coming here and venting to all you has been making it easier. Just to let it out Link to post Share on other sites
BUTAFLY Posted August 29, 2006 Share Posted August 29, 2006 I'm a hopeless cause. I'm holding on to what? Was or is this love or have i just been a joke? Going into surgury with this on your heart is not a good idea, and i'm sure your doctors would agree. Is this love? well in your mind it is and that shows in your greif, but to him, who knows. How can you(or his wife) trust a decietful liar. That part you may never know and thats the part thats hard to get over. Just do yourself a favor and no more talking to him. Yes we know its hard. I've done it too, watch the phone as it rung and picked it up on the last ring just to hear his voice, hoping he would say something to make me believe in us again. But he never did. I was addicted to him, he was my drug and a hard habit to break but everyday is a test of will and strength. I still vent, get weak, have relapes, but I will never let him know that. Thats what these good people on LS are for. keep coming here whenever you feel weak, what to curse him out, or share something with him as you use to. Talk to us about it...do not contact him. Keep the faith and talk to you when you get out of surgery Link to post Share on other sites
Author yousaveme Posted August 29, 2006 Author Share Posted August 29, 2006 thanks, coming on here has helped. This whole situtation has never been easy , the only easy part was allowing my heart to go the direction it went. I have no choice to get the surgery tomorrow but do agree this hasnt helped me in getting better. I have been telling myself to fight. the doctors has said i need to fight, so the cancer doesnt win. I'm hoping for the best and hope things go well tomorrow. But part of me wishes he was there when i wake up. Sorry im weak Link to post Share on other sites
Author yousaveme Posted August 31, 2006 Author Share Posted August 31, 2006 well, i tried being strong. I dont know if its me or the situtation. Yes i know everyone has said break contact with him. I have talked to him. He called and i answered. He wants me to call when he is at work today. He called to tell me he loves me and wanted to see how i was feeling after surgery. Link to post Share on other sites
reneet Posted August 31, 2006 Share Posted August 31, 2006 well, i tried being strong. I dont know if its me or the situtation. Yes i know everyone has said break contact with him. I have talked to him. He called and i answered. He wants me to call when he is at work today. He called to tell me he loves me and wanted to see how i was feeling after surgery. LISTEN TO WHAT YOU ARE TELLING US!! YOU'RE HAVING SURGERY (FOR CANCER) & HE'S TELLING YOU TO CALL HIM WHEN YOU WAKE UP. MISSY, HE SHOULD BE THERE WITH YOU IF HE CARES AS MUCH AS HE SAYS HE DOES. ANOTHER THING, GOD FORBID SOMETHING HAPPENED TO HIM, WOULD YOU BE ABLE TO GO TO THE HOSP TO BE THERE FOR HIM? THE ANSWER IS ---NO--- BECAUSE HIS W WOULD BE THERE. Link to post Share on other sites
Author yousaveme Posted August 31, 2006 Author Share Posted August 31, 2006 LISTEN TO WHAT YOU ARE TELLING US!! YOU'RE HAVING SURGERY (FOR CANCER) & HE'S TELLING YOU TO CALL HIM WHEN YOU WAKE UP. MISSY, HE SHOULD BE THERE WITH YOU IF HE CARES AS MUCH AS HE SAYS HE DOES. ANOTHER THING, GOD FORBID SOMETHING HAPPENED TO HIM, WOULD YOU BE ABLE TO GO TO THE HOSP TO BE THERE FOR HIM? THE ANSWER IS ---NO--- BECAUSE HIS W WOULD BE THERE. Knew he couldn't come to the hosptial . Kids are home. And the W works 5 mins from home. He has been calling and staying in touch with my family for updates. Link to post Share on other sites
reneet Posted August 31, 2006 Share Posted August 31, 2006 Knew he couldn't come to the hosptial . Kids are home. And the W works 5 mins from home. He has been calling and staying in touch with my family for updates. If his W was in the hosp., he would've gotten a sitter for his kids. He wouldn't have to call for updates. Are you really OK with this situation? Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted August 31, 2006 Share Posted August 31, 2006 You are not weak, but you MUST get your priorities straight, and fast. This stress that the MM brings into your life is NOT helpling your recovery for cancer. I'm so sorry that you have it and I hope you fight through it all. Problem is the MM! Anybody who is going through surgery, cancer treatments needs a very simple and no stress life. For your mental health, this man is no good for you right now...I hope you see that. The heartache and pain, you DO NOT need that at this time in your life. Stay close to friends and family. Let them in and let them help you. As much as your heart is pulling for the MM, you somehow have to not let him be your main focus, atleast for now. Link to post Share on other sites
Author yousaveme Posted August 31, 2006 Author Share Posted August 31, 2006 If his W was in the hosp., he would've gotten a sitter for his kids. He wouldn't have to call for updates. Are you really OK with this situation? I honestly dont know what im OK with. I only know how i feel. And what he tells me. Call me an idiot Link to post Share on other sites
reneet Posted August 31, 2006 Share Posted August 31, 2006 I honestly dont know what im OK with. I only know how i feel. And what he tells me. Call me an idiot Obviously you aren't ok with it. That's why you are here on this forum. As am I. I'm waiting for him/her to file for divorce. This is another area that needs to be dealt with. There are sooooo many stages to go thru to make a relationship like both of ours work. What he tells you & what he actually does has to jive. It doesn't sound as if he makes any attempt to be with you exclusively. And FOREVER... I hope you are doing well!!! Link to post Share on other sites
Author yousaveme Posted August 31, 2006 Author Share Posted August 31, 2006 Obviously you aren't ok with it. That's why you are here on this forum. As am I. I'm waiting for him/her to file for divorce. This is another area that needs to be dealt with. There are sooooo many stages to go thru to make a relationship like both of ours work. What he tells you & what he actually does has to jive. It doesn't sound as if he makes any attempt to be with you exclusively. And FOREVER... I hope you are doing well!!! I do see what you are saying. There are many things that he has said and done that does jive. Thats why i have hung on. Trust me if it didnt i would have said BYE. As for doing well, i'm trying to get well. Its a process. Link to post Share on other sites
reneet Posted August 31, 2006 Share Posted August 31, 2006 I do see what you are saying. There are many things that he has said and done that does jive. Thats why i have hung on. Trust me if it didnt i would have said BYE. As for doing well, i'm trying to get well. Its a process. Well keep hagin' in there! You deserve to be HAPPY!!! 100% HAPPY. I WISH THAT FOR YOU IN HEALTH & IN YOUR RELATIONSHIP! Keep me posted. OK ReneeT Link to post Share on other sites
Author yousaveme Posted August 31, 2006 Author Share Posted August 31, 2006 Well keep hagin' in there! You deserve to be HAPPY!!! 100% HAPPY. I WISH THAT FOR YOU IN HEALTH & IN YOUR RELATIONSHIP! Keep me posted. OK ReneeT i have to laugh your name is that of the W. Alex Link to post Share on other sites
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