I'm going insane - (long)

[reneet]

 

Yes i can im him back. He usually checks his im's when she isnt around.

 

Well then you don't have to wait til tomorrow;)

[yousaveme]

 

Well then you don't have to wait til tomorrow;)

 

 

I just left him an im. Saying thank you and i love you 2. And i will get better.

 

Am i crazy part of me feels bad... That he is there worrying and concerned about me and she (W) is there. Im losing my mind

[reneet]

 

 

I just left him an im. Saying thank you and i love you 2. And i will get better.

 

Am i crazy part of me feels bad... That he is there worrying and concerned about me and she (W) is there. Im losing my mind

 

You make me sad ya know. You should be able to call him at any time, see him at anytime so on & so on. I was in your situation for 2 years. That's too long!! Please don't make yourself sick!!!!!!

[yousaveme]

 

You make me sad ya know. You should be able to call him at any time, see him at anytime so on & so on. I was in your situation for 2 years. That's too long!! Please don't make yourself sick!!!!!!

 

 

I'm sorry if i made you sad.... Your right i should be able to call him anytime and see him. I would have much more liked giving him a hug and kiss for that. Then leaving an im.

[Meaplus3]

You must realize that there's no gain from being involved with a married man, especially one with kids. He may care for you but he may not neccessarily love you.

 

His 1st priority and committment will be and has been to his family. I've never seen when these situations result in a happy ending, only more heartache, resentment and of course insanity.

 

The real definition of insanity is, 'doing the same thing over and over, expecting a different result....'.

 

You see you expect his situation to change but it won't, not as long as he's married and stringing you along to have his cake, icing and candles to go along with it.

 

My advice would be for you to take an assessment of yourself and determine whether or not your insanity and dignity is worth jeopardizing for some spare part.

 

You're more valuable than being someone's stepping stone......

 

Good luck!

 

Luvstruck you truely struck a cord for me here! The MM I have fallen for is NOT going to change! He is the perfect defination of a cakewalker. I have felt the insanity that you have described! "Doing the same thing over and over expecting a diff result", the root of the definition of insanity. What I have learned from this is that not only does it appy to my unhappy marriage but to the MM that I have been invloved with. Yes, I do still love this MM but my Goodness, he will not leave for me, he's to happy in a comfortable passionless marriage. His kid's and wife are first. What I have come to realize is that I am more valuable and neither of these men deserve me. Where to go from here? Have NO clue!

[Rooster_DAR]

I start with some serious questions about your choices in life, and some good long term therapy.

 

roost

[yousaveme]

I start with some serious questions about your choices in life, and some good long term therapy.

 

roost

 

 

I dont need therapy. And you might not like my choices but they are my choices. Im in love with my MM and know he feels the same way. No its not a relationship i was looking for , but i'm hoping the status will change sooner then later. Until then as long as the feeling as the same and as strong as they are im going to give this a chance i feel its does deserve.

[yousaveme]

While we talked today..And for the first time in awhile since she found out we talked about us and the future. We talked about the kids and him coaching my nephew next year. It was a great convo.

 

We even talked about how my ex has been bashing him lately. I asked him what can you do about it. He said there will be plently when we are together.

 

I can tell he has been really putting alot of thought about us moving forward. Alot of it is his attitude ans things he says been saying lately.

 

Part of this does makes me sad to think here we are making plans and by the sounds of it moving in a forward directions, when she ( W) thinks he is trying to make the M work.

 

I didnt push too hard ...asking questions etc.. since i need not to stress today and he has to work tonight and study for a test.

[Green]

You are so screwed up that even though you recognize it you dont relize just how much so you are. This guy is a big doosh of a man. You are almost just as bad but not quite because its more his responsibility not to pull crap like this. If he ever did leave his wife to be with you, he would do the exact same thing to you where he secretly or unsecretly dates another women you'll just be the main woman. I bet ontop of cheating on his wife with you he bangs street walkers on the side. Do you think you could handle an available guy who looked at you as his only woman the world may never know...

[serial muse]

Part of this does makes me sad to think here we are making plans and by the sounds of it moving in a forward directions, when she ( W) thinks he is trying to make the M work.

 

i don't know this man, it's true - but this alone should give you pause. it makes me sad for the both of you, that he would be telling you both what you want to hear. how can such a situation end in a positive way? what kind of person would knowingly hurt other people like this?

 

it's not like i'm naive. and it's not like this sort of thing doesn't happen every single day, or hour, or minute. but again and again i am shocked at how well this tactic works, for those who are willing to use it (which is a special subclass of people) - only and precisely because it taps directly into what the objects of their storytelling so desperately want to believe anyway.

 

it's amazing, how long a person at the fulcrum of this kind of balancing act can keep multiple people suspended, people with fundamentally opposing needs and desires. for the balancing act to last, everyone involved has to be willing not to move. and somehow, they are! and so the act lasts and lasts, and goes on lasting until the person at the fulcrum starts to crumble under the weight of his own lies. which sometimes happens.

 

or until one of you steps off the seesaw.

 

and so i hope that happens soon, for all your sakes. i hope someone steps down and lets the seesaw land with a thud without her. because why put your life on hold indefinitely, waiting on his pleasure to lower you gently to the ground? it makes no sense.

[Guest]

i don't know this man, it's true - but this alone should give you pause. it makes me sad for the both of you, that he would be telling you both what you want to hear. how can such a situation end in a positive way? what kind of person would knowingly hurt other people like this?

 

it's not like i'm naive. and it's not like this sort of thing doesn't happen every single day, or hour, or minute. but again and again i am shocked at how well this tactic works, for those who are willing to use it (which is a special subclass of people) - only and precisely because it taps directly into what the objects of their storytelling so desperately want to believe anyway.

 

it's amazing, how long a person at the fulcrum of this kind of balancing act can keep multiple people suspended, people with fundamentally opposing needs and desires. for the balancing act to last, everyone involved has to be willing not to move. and somehow, they are! and so the act lasts and lasts, and goes on lasting until the person at the fulcrum starts to crumble under the weight of his own lies. which sometimes happens.

 

or until one of you steps off the seesaw.

 

and so i hope that happens soon, for all your sakes. i hope someone steps down and lets the seesaw land with a thud without her. because why put your life on hold indefinitely, waiting on his pleasure to lower you gently to the ground? it makes no sense.

 

what a wonderful post!

 

And thank goodness for it, because the last few about IM's and house phone calls (when the wife isn't home) made me really sad. They are such a perfect example of how OW accept the leftover CRUMBS of a relationship rather than holding out for a real one, where the man in their lives belongs to them, is all theirs, will drop anything to be there for them.

 

I think your story is so touching because it involves surgery, one that is likely to happen without your main support system, and so it illustrates how little you truly have as an OW.

[Passingby]

for the balancing act to last, everyone involved has to be willing not to move. and somehow, they are! and so the act lasts and lasts, and goes on lasting

 

I agree with that. On one hand we have every single individual involved in the triangle willingly taking part on this balancing act, either by making or by believing the lies that flow everywhere… but on the other hand, there is no way that any of the participants of the act really want to hurt each other:

 

W knows his H doesn’t love her anymore and doesn’t want to be with her, but she wants to believe when he says that he wants to work things out;

 

MM doesn’t want to stay in his M, and would go running to Yousaveme, but there is some powerful unknown hidden force keeping him in his M, so he feels he must lie to W in order to stay there AND to Yousaveme in order to not lose her;

 

Yousaveme feels that MM loves hers and chooses to believe in whatever he says and so she can keep hoping in a good outcome.

 

There is nobody innocent here and there is no victim.

 

I don’t want to look like I am defending that specific MM, but I think any person with a neutral point of view can clearly see that he is the one who is suffering most pressure among all the persons that are taking part in this act.

 

A man can only be unfaithful if he doesn’t love his gf, wife, etc… no discussion about that. IF the guy loves Yousaveme and IF one day he breaks up with his W by himself the balancing act (it’s not the same if he is pushed to do so or if he is caught), then I don’t see why he would be surely seeking another new woman on the next corner. Any human being is able to fall in true love and that experience can change a life.

[BUTAFLY]

You are so screwed up that even though you recognize it you dont relize just how much so you are. This guy is a big doosh of a man. You are almost just as bad but not quite because its more his responsibility not to pull crap like this. If he ever did leave his wife to be with you, he would do the exact same thing to you where he secretly or unsecretly dates another women you'll just be the main woman. I bet ontop of cheating on his wife with you he bangs street walkers on the side. Do you think you could handle an available guy who looked at you as his only woman the world may never know...

 

There is no doubt that this MM is a major doosh as KMT put it. Can mm possible be capable of loving anyone? Can he possiblely love his wife and do this to her? Can he love Yousaveme and do this to her?

[BUTAFLY]

serial muse you post is Sooooo right on. This is what these type of people are all about -the ride and how long they can make it last. Its all about telling both parties what they desperalty want to hear And both wanting to believe.

[Guest]

Its funny how at my age i feel like a hopeless teenager. We joke sometimes that we fight like his son and girlfriend on the phone.

Who knows what the future holds ...

 

 

And you sound like one too. Between you and ReNeet, I don't know who is in the worst situation. Stop listening to her. She hates her situation with the MM that's not D yet or even trying. Sure she has him, but she is not a part of his life.

 

Grow up. Move on. Make better choices, you latest ones have been doosies. Hopefully, I won't have to come back to say "I told you so". But I probably will.

[reneet]

And you sound like one too. Between you and ReNeet, I don't know who is in the worst situation. Stop listening to her. She hates her situation with the MM that's not D yet or even trying. Sure she has him, but she is not a part of his life.

 

Grow up. Move on. Make better choices, you latest ones have been doosies. Hopefully, I won't have to come back to say "I told you so". But I probably will.

 

You're a saint????

[yousaveme]

You are so screwed up that even though you recognize it you dont relize just how much so you are. This guy is a big doosh of a man. You are almost just as bad but not quite because its more his responsibility not to pull crap like this. If he ever did leave his wife to be with you, he would do the exact same thing to you where he secretly or unsecretly dates another women you'll just be the main woman. I bet ontop of cheating on his wife with you he bangs street walkers on the side. Do you think you could handle an available guy who looked at you as his only woman the world may never know...

 

 

coming home to your comment, was something i didnt need. Im sure that most MM are like that. Since i do know him well enough no he doesnt do those things. And yes i do believe if or should i say when he leaves i do believe it will just be me.

[yousaveme]

i recently came home from the hospital and things seemly went well. I wont know for sure until the next two weeks after blood work. I came on here just to see what was going on. I cant get over the amount of negativity.

 

Ok yes im the OW involved with a MM who got caught and still we remain close and have feelings for each other.

Im not a monster and mental patient or an idiot. Like i have said in the beginning i was looking for FWB deal and so was he. We both were going to willingly cheat on the other people in our life. We didnt count on having this feeling or should i say falling in love with one another.

 

I talked to him last night and yesterday. we were fine. He seemed fine. This morning before surgery we spoke i could tell something was wrong with him. I kept at him and at him. I asked what is wrong i know you something is up.

 

He said he just wants everything to be ok with the surgery and hopefully after the procedure everything will be ok with me. I told him i have a feeling its more. Is it the kids, your parents, work what? Then i asked is it her? He said yes. But it has nothing to do with us. I said i thought you told me things were getting better. He said as a family doing things with them yes. He said he has been thinking about us and being together alot.

 

Of course this made my mind wonder ...Is he thinking about making the move to leave?

 

He told me to stop and not worry and think about anything but the surgery.

 

I told him i need this procedure to work to get better and healthier for me a alot of other reasons. He said this is true in more ways then you know.

 

I dont know what is going on. He sounded so down. Last few times we had talked things with us sounded to be moving in a forward direction.

 

I told him i loved him and everything will be ok. He said to me you know i love you , your my heart. Please call me and let me know your ok tonight.

[lighthouse]

That is all. She isn't going to change her mind or listen to reason. I hope that the cancer turns out OK and I hope that the cancer makes her realize she doesn't need this idiot - because that is what he is, an idiot. But it takes two to tango.

Of course there is something else. He loves his wife, or atleast loves her enough to not leave her (and it is not just the kids because as ReneeT said they adjust). Why would you find a MM who wanted FWB, but then you did the same thing. As for having your ex get mad and wanting to talk to him here is my question (which you will probably ignore) what soap opera are you on so I can tune in and watch.

As for him coaching your nephew - well that sounds like lots of fun doesn't it? I wonder what his WIFE will think about that one.

Please think rationally - finally.

Good luck with the cancer - and I truly mean it as I have just been informed (yesterday) that I possibly have cervical cancer).

I wish you the best of health but you need counseling - not just because of him (although that is a big part of it) but because of the cancer.

LH

[Guest]

You went through yet another surgery ALONE on Friday, would that be correct? I mean 'alone' as far as this married paragon of virtue having yet another excuse not to be there for you.

 

And you're still making excuses for this loser deserting you yet AGAIN during a tough time in your life, aren't you? Justify it all you want, I guess it helps you sleep better at night.

 

What was his excuse this time for not being there, pray tell? The family dog needed his flea bath? He had to sweep the garage? Maybe he needed to clip coupons for his oh-so-horrible wife? Yeah, I can understand how important his life is that he can't find the time to be with you during a serious surgical procedure. It all makes sense to me, now. Let's see...he claims he's leaving his wife one day for you - which is certainly a monumental life decision that requires a TON of effort - yet he couldn't make the effort to be at the hospital ONE DAY for you. If the sissy can't even make the effort to get away from the big bad wife for 8 hours, how is he EVER going to make his break from her for good so you can all have your happily ever ever?

 

The pathetically lame emails and text messages from him wishing you luck for your surgery the next day just warmed your heart and were all the support you needed, I would guess? Maybe if you're REAL lucky next time, he'll find a way to sneak over under cover of night and leave a HANDWRITTEN card on your back porch instead of an IM or text message. Boy, that would certainly be upping his game, wouldn't it?

 

And all the while this snake is sending his cheesy and smarmy IM messages to you about your surgery the next morning, out of the other side of his lying filthy mouth he's telling his wife how much he wants to stay married to her and is doing everything he can to gaslight her into thinking she actually has a CHANCE for a future. Gosh what a gem he is.

 

This is truly a great guy. I can certainly understand why you've continually sold off small pieces of your soul just for the chance of possibly bagging this prize one day in the very distant future. Because it ain't gonna be anytime soon. But, if He*ll actually does freeze over and he actually does desert his wife and family (because that's what you want him to do), I wonder how long it will be before he starts lying to you and gaslighting YOU when he finds his next 'soulmate' on AdultFriendFinder - while you're blissfully thinking what a great marriage you have. Kind of the same thing he's done to his wife from Day #1. Aww heck, you know the drill. You'll get used to it just like she did and still is. Why, I'll bet before long you'll be saying the same things to him that she's saying to him now - asking him if he's thinking of his OW and wondering why he's staring off into space. Don't worry, you'll get used to it real quick.

 

What a complete piece of garbage this guy is. A total, complete, and utter piece of human filth.

[whichwayisup]

I hate to say it, but I agree with "guest" above.

 

And all the while this snake is sending his cheesy and smarmy IM messages to you about your surgery the next morning, out of the other side of his lying filthy mouth he's telling his wife how much he wants to stay married to her and is doing everything he can to gaslight her into thinking she actually has a CHANCE for a future. Gosh what a gem he is.

 

That's the thing, what is HE really doing here. If he knows his marriage is more or less over, and he's just trying for the sake of his kids, he's certainly not trying hard enough - He's still having a full-on affair, meanwhile making sure his wife thinks him and yousaveme are over and not in any contact. He's making a complete fool of his wife, his children too, by still hiding and lying. And he's leading yousaveme on big time! Just giving her enough so she'll continue having hope...

 

How long are you going to let this go on? I've re-read this thread and it seems he has no intention of doing anything...Things will stay this way until HE wants to change. He has the comfort of home, his children and a wife who keeps on trying to work on the marriage and then he has you, who wants him, and you keep letting him come back to you.

 

He isn't a lovely, deep and caring man. He may be a 'nice' guy to his kids, his friends, but he certainly is a pig when it comes to you and his wife.

[eliss]

Do not punish yourself so much. First thing I did after reading your post was to laugh, not making fun of you but for being in the same situation, you know, the wife, the kids etc... What I tell you is this; live, enjoy and think of yourself, this conflict we have will never end, it is constant, it is something we go through everyday. we have two choices; either we break it of or we just keep on fighting. We are not fools, weak or stupid, we just fell in love and it happened to be with a married man. So my friend, live and enjoy life, it does not matter how. If its meant to be, it will happen. and our conflict, when it comes to mind just brush it off. dont torment yourself. I am in love and very happy but when these thoughts come to my mind I just say "I´ll think about it later".

[yousaveme]

Well here i am again. Im tired of defending so im not going to do it anymore. I need to put my health first, that is most important here. As for things with the MM things arent looking good at home with the W. As far as i know things got pretty heated ( in a negative way) friday. The last convo we had was that night. Im not sure what is going on, but like i said i need my rest and take it easy and listen to my doctors.

[whichwayisup]

One thing - Your MM should NOT be discussing what goes on at home with you, putting you on that rollercoaster ride - Things are good, things aren't good, etc, etc...He leaves you hanging, not knowing what is going on. YOU do need your rest, and you don't need that stress. Sorry if my post(s) are stressing you out. It just bugs me that you're going through all this and he isn't making it ANY easier on you. The last thing you should know about are HIS stresses. He really ought to BE a friend to you and just make you laugh, make you feel better...Not stress you out and make you worry about things at his home...

 

When my friend was going through her cancer treatments she couldn't handle and didn't want to handle anybody else's problems, issues...She focussed on herself 100%.

[yousaveme]

One thing - Your MM should NOT be discussing what goes on at home with you, putting you on that rollercoaster ride - Things are good, things aren't good, etc, etc...He leaves you hanging, not knowing what is going on. YOU do need your rest, and you don't need that stress. Sorry if my post(s) are stressing you out. It just bugs me that you're going through all this and he isn't making it ANY easier on you. The last thing you should know about are HIS stresses. He really ought to BE a friend to you and just make you laugh, make you feel better...Not stress you out and make you worry about things at his home...

 

When my friend was going through her cancer treatments she couldn't handle and didn't want to handle anybody else's problems, issues...She focussed on herself 100%.

 

 

Your posts arent stressing me out. Thats just me , i have always been a person that will put myself second , third or last on the list and worry about everyone else first. He has been there making me laugh and trying to tell me to put myself first and NOT WORRY about him and what is going on. To be honest we have had plenty of arguments over this. I'm the one who pecks at it , to find out what is wrong with him. When we did talk friday night he told me to do what i need to do about getting healthy and not worry about what going on at home with him.

 

I cant handle much. Ive been resting and relaxing and trying VERY HARD not to think about whats going on a few mins away from me.

 

Dont get me wrong , my feeling havent changed for him. I love him very much. I'm just very exhausted and i need to get health before i can deal with any drama right now.

As bad and off the wall this sounds. If she threw him out Ive prayed it wasnt now. Im tired and dont want to deal with her or him. Dont get me wrong i want him here with me now. To help me and take care of me...I just dont want the drama at the moment.