My boyfriend said to me "we need time apart"

[soft heart]

What should I do? He says we need time apart?

 

I have just come back from a weekend spent with my boyfriend. We spent a nice weekend but today we argued a little. I started to cry and he got really upset with me and told me that these kind of situations makes him hesitate to be sure about us. He told me that he thinks we need time apart. He reassured me he is not breaking up with me but he needs time to think about us, his life, his career plans. What do you think I should do? I wanted to find out from him today if he sees me in his future and he said that he feels like I am always pressuring to talk to me about us and he says our fights and my cries do not make him feel too convinced about us. When I was leaving today, he kissed me and said to me " see you ok?". He said he does not want anybody else, he just wants time on his own as he feels exhausted with everything. He said that we will not plan our next meeting now as he felt forced to meet me last time.

 

I was very sad to hear that but he said that he could not say no to me when I suggested to meet last weekend. I am starting to worry what his intentions really are with me as he seems to prefer not seeing me. He said he will miss me even if we won't see each other but he will not die. He also told me that he has enough stress with his own job, he does not need stress from me. What do you think about this? Should I worry that it's over between us and he just doesn't know how to tell me? But knowing him, he would have told me honestly if it was over. It scares me though that he does not need to see me so much like I do?

 

What do you suggest I should do?

[norajane]

You're in a LDR and he needs space? Seems like he already has plenty of space.

 

Frankly, it sounds like he wants things his way, and his way is to be in a relationship where it's 'easy' meaning he doesn't want to deal with your needs, just his. I'd be pissed off if I were you - a guy who says he felt forced to be with me is not a guy who'd be getting much of my attention any time soon.

 

Back off for a while. Don't suggest getting together, let him call you instead of calling him, don't aks about the future. Give him the space he says he needs. Perhaps if he gets a taste of how things would be if you weren't in his life at all, he'll realize catering to his own needs means he'll be alone. He may decide he prefers being alone, in which case, you'll be free to move on and find someone who looks forward to seeing you rather than someone who finds it a chore.

[spinningmywheels]

soft heart, oh that sucks! Has he said this to you before or asked for time apart before?

 

There's just one thing about your description of the event, it stands out for me but I can't quite put my finger on why

 

He said he will miss me even if we won't see each other but he will not die.

 

I agree with nora jane that it seems (in some part at least) like he wants his way with things and that's it.

 

But I also wonder when he says something along the lines that he'd survive if things between you ended: I wonder if he's trying to convince himself?

Like he's been thinking about it but might not really want to, but is trying to tell himself he'd get through it if it happened?

 

I say that because I sometimes feel like that myself - meaning I don't want to break up with my b/f, but I'm frustrated with the status quo and need to remind myself I'd be OK if things ended.

 

I dunno. seems more convoluted now that i've typed it all out.

 

Give him space, then. Maybe it'll give him time to stop being frustrated and feeling pressured and realize how much he wants to be with you! The trick of course is taking care of yourself during that time and not spending it focusing on him.

[sao2]

It can be easy to get caught up in how hard the ldr is for you forgetting how hard it is for him. It happens to the best of us. The advice I can give you, is the next time you have contact with him, rather than worry or ask about the future concentrate on making that moment the absolute best for both of you. Be genuinely glad to be with him, in whatever form that might be.

 

He has alot on his plate and he looks to you as an escape from that, give that to him rather than start asking about what you need. Concentrate more on the present and less on the future. More on what you two have than on what you two don't have.

[directx]

he wants to look for other girls but wants to keep you on the side just in case. This is the beginning of the end. The relationship will experience a slow, slow death.

 

Break it off and find a guy thats into you

[soft heart]

Today is my first day where I have not contacted him. This silence between us is making me uncomfortable and it makes me feel like I want to break it and ask him what is on his mind and what is he feeling and if he still wants to be with me and why is he silent but something is telling me that if I do that, he might find my questions annoying? It's only one day and I am finding it hard. I have had a busy day where I was very busy so no time to think about it, however, now it's an evening, I am alone in my room and I am getting scared that I might have pushed him away from me and I am sad as normally he would have send me a small message.. I guess I should just continue being silent though. It's hard when I have absolutely no idea what he thinks? Is it something I should really worry about? He is a very honest guy so I think he would have told me if he wanted to break it off with me. He said we need time apart... it's so hard not knowing what the right thing is to do. I just don't want to loose him?

[Mary3]

Today is my first day where I have not contacted him. This silence between us is making me uncomfortable and it makes me feel like I want to break it and ask him what is on his mind and what is he feeling and if he still wants to be with me and why is he silent but something is telling me that if I do that, he might find my questions annoying? It's only one day and I am finding it hard. I have had a busy day where I was very busy so no time to think about it, however, now it's an evening, I am alone in my room and I am getting scared that I might have pushed him away from me and I am sad as normally he would have send me a small message.. I guess I should just continue being silent though. It's hard when I have absolutely no idea what he thinks? Is it something I should really worry about? He is a very honest guy so I think he would have told me if he wanted to break it off with me. He said we need time apart... it's so hard not knowing what the right thing is to do. I just don't want to loose him?

 

Your * questions * you want to ask him will be the Death Blow to whatever you have left, which is not much. I think its over. Let this go......

[brickaney]

OK well Mary 3 was right about the fact that you still need to leave him alone. Even when you get back together you need to avoid asking him those questions or he'll push you away again. I can't tell you exactly how much time, just until you know he's comfortable again.

Also, I don't believe your relationship is over at all. Mary 3 must not understand men. It is normal for a guy to need space, even this type of extreme space. If he wanted to end things then he would've told you right away. Let him contact you when he's ready. In the meantime you need to find friends to help encourage and uplift you so you can go back to him in a stable state of mind. I've spent weekends without talking to my boyfriend, because I screwed up in the first place by imposing on many times when he needed space. Those weekends were difficult, very depressing without any friends. I found friends, stabilized myself, and when my boyfriend contacted me he became very loving and affectionate. I know it varies a little with different guys but the basic concept of giving a man space is essential in a healthy relationship. He's not cheating on you. Stop telling yourself crazy things and stop listening to people who don't know what they're talking about. I wish you and your man the best. Please find a friend to just vent to and get outside and do something before he calls you.

[Mary3]

OK well Mary 3 was right about the fact that you still need to leave him alone. Even when you get back together you need to avoid asking him those questions or he'll push you away again. I can't tell you exactly how much time, just until you know he's comfortable again.

Also, I don't believe your relationship is over at all. Mary 3 must not understand men. It is normal for a guy to need space, even this type of extreme space. If he wanted to end things then he would've told you right away. Let him contact you when he's ready. In the meantime you need to find friends to help encourage and uplift you so you can go back to him in a stable state of mind. I've spent weekends without talking to my boyfriend, because I screwed up in the first place by imposing on many times when he needed space. Those weekends were difficult, very depressing without any friends. I found friends, stabilized myself, and when my boyfriend contacted me he became very loving and affectionate. I know it varies a little with different guys but the basic concept of giving a man space is essential in a healthy relationship. He's not cheating on you. Stop telling yourself crazy things and stop listening to people who don't know what they're talking about. I wish you and your man the best. Please find a friend to just vent to and get outside and do something before he calls you.

 

. I started to cry and he got really upset with me and told me that these kind of situations makes him hesitate to be sure about us. He told me that he thinks we need time apart. He reassured me he is not breaking up with me but he needs time to think about us, his life, his career plans. What do you think I should do? I wanted to find out from him today if he sees me in his future and he said that he feels like I am always pressuring to talk to me about us and he says our fights and my cries do not make him feel too convinced about us. When I was leaving today, he kissed me and said to me " see you ok?". He said he does not want anybody else, he just wants time on his own as he feels exhausted with everything. He said that we will not plan our next meeting now as he felt forced to meet me last time.

 

I was very sad to hear that but he said that he could not say no to me when I suggested to meet last weekend. I am starting to worry what his intentions really are with me as he seems to prefer not seeing me. He said he will miss me even if we won't see each other but he will not die. He also told me that he has enough stress with his own job, he does not need stress from me. What do you think about this? Should I worry that it's over between us and he just doesn't know how to tell me?

 

I may not know much about men apparently but this reeks of someone who wants * space * and that space is away from you. Sorry but this DOES look like a pre empt to a Break Up . I am a realist...

[brickaney]

Did I not make it clear that it's natural for any man to want space? If not then let me explain: Men need space in any relationship. The better you are at maintaining that need, the more loving and reassuring he'll come back after he's had it. I believe in looking at the positive side of things. Plus if he was going to break her heart he would've done it off the bat. I haven't encountered any dramatic men that would make their woman linger like that.

Also it means a lot that he felt he was able to share with you his worries and concerns about being unsure. Everyone has doubts in any kind of relationship. I can even admit that my boyfriend once told me the same thing soft heart's man told her. My boyfriend needed space at one point (this was prior to my knowledge of a man's needs in a relationship) and he said he was unsure about our relationship and that he needed time by himself to think about it.

Honestly, I think softheart needs advice that could help her relationship. No stranger can say that she needs to give up because it's pretty much over, a stranger isn't justified in that opinion at all. I believe the best advice comes from people who have been through similar situations. How is you opinion valid in this situation Mary3?

[Mary3]

What should I do? He says we need time apart?

 

I have just come back from a weekend spent with my boyfriend. We spent a nice weekend but today we argued a little. I started to cry and he got really upset with me and told me that these kind of situations makes him hesitate to be sure about us. He told me that he thinks we need time apart. He reassured me he is not breaking up with me but he needs time to think about us, his life, his career plans. What do you think I should do? I wanted to find out from him today if he sees me in his future and he said that he feels like I am always pressuring to talk to me about us and he says our fights and my cries do not make him feel too convinced about us. When I was leaving today, he kissed me and said to me " see you ok?". He said he does not want anybody else, he just wants time on his own as he feels exhausted with everything. He said that we will not plan our next meeting now as he felt forced to meet me last time.

I was very sad to hear that but he said that he could not say no to me when I suggested to meet last weekend. I am starting to worry what his intentions really are with me as he seems to prefer not seeing me. He said he will miss me even if we won't see each other but he will not die. He also told me that he has enough stress with his own job, he does not need stress from me. What do you think about this? Should I worry that it's over between us and he just doesn't know how to tell me? But knowing him, he would have told me honestly if it was over. It scares me though that he does not need to see me so much like I do?

What do you suggest I should do?

 

He needs time because what he has right now in the relationship is suffocating him and he is not sure what he wants.

 

You can't pressure a man and get positive results. The pressure usually causes him to retreat .

 

He seems to prefer not seeing you : meaning he wants his freedom and feels better when he is not around you. This is the pre empt to a break up as I stated before. All the signs are there . They are too busy or don't want to talk as much , they create distance, they are confused , the list goes on..

 

He has alot of stress. Everytime you want to * talk * about the problem you are driving him into further stress. The only reason it has not happened is because he is confused , feels guilt and cares about you.

 

He does not know how to tell you so he will do his *exit* out in his own way. Whether it is to put distance between you or become an absent boyfriend which causes you to say you have *had enough*.

 

I suggest you prepare for whatever happens. I won't say break up but if it were me I would take those signs as meaning something significant in the future .

 

May I suggest NOT having the * talk * with men. The talk of *where* you both are, along with your anxiety ~well : Its usually the last nail in the coffin when you are having some resistance. I wish I could say your fighting the resistance will help but in most cases this has been swirling around in his head for a LOT longer than you know. ...and he needs time alone. This could work to your advantage but all of that depends on many factors.

[Guest]

Hi, please don't worry that he is not interested in you anymore. It may or may not be. Pushing him won't help.

 

I am in a position similar to your. My boyfriend is great and I have never, or will probably never, meet anyone as kind, understanding and supportive as he is. Still, I am not sure where we are going, if this LDR is worthwhile and what the value is. So I need time to think about it.

Give him time and yourself too. Think about it over. When he calls, ask him what is it that makes it him want to have more space. Ask him if there is anything about you that he finds difficult to change. Just have honest conversation not based on what you want, but what is best for both of you.

[soft heart]

I have not contacted him since Monday. Today is Thursday. It's really strange that we are silent like this. I feel quite confused actually. I know that he sometimes does this to me when he gets stressed but each time I get so scared because I worry this time it might mean that it's over? Anyway, he is a pretty honest guy even if it hurts sometimes and I think he would have said so if he wanted to finish it or if he wanted to play the field? I know that he is extremely unhappy in his job and it stresses him out too much. He said he needed to look for a new job and he said that my upset feelings towards him do not support him. He is going on vacation with his best buddy next Thursday for 2 weeks so I wonder if he contacts me when he comes back or before that. To be honest, I would prefer if he did after he comes back because he would have a lot of time to think but I just don't know. The only thing I know is that I will not be the first one to contact him. I am not sure if it's the right thing though because he might think that I am not intersted in him anymore? I just don't get how we could go from calling each other honey and texting each other almost every day last month to this silence.. I guess I am trying to trust him when he said to me that he is not breaking up with me, he needed time to think about situation as it is a long-distance and we need to come up with some kind of solution for that. I just don't know...

[ellie2006]

Dear SoftHeart,

 

I am so sorry you're hurting right now. I feel your pain.

Your situation was almost identical to mine; my ex (yes, he's my ex now and has been since two weeks ago) said exactly the same thing to me: that it would hurt terribly if we broke up but he'd survive; that he loved me but he was stressed about the LDR, job hunting, etc; that he wasn't sure if we were "compatible." Instead of the LDR, he thought we should take a break and reassess "us" when we can be geographically together again. I couldn't understand what he needed a break from: didn't the physical space itself give him enough space to think about "us," I thought to myself. How much more space does he need? When I suggested that we break up a while back, he totally freaked and didn't want to back then so we didn't. But he did say that he needed some more time to think about where we're going so I gave it to him and totally backed off but still, this, unfortunately, is how things turned out: with us breaking up.

 

I hope your story turns out better than mine. I truly do. Because break-ups suck!

Give your bf a benefit of the doubt. Maybe he just needs some time to think, like he says, and the lack of contact from you will jolt him back to his senses! Good luck and hang in there!

[soft heart]

Please help me, I made a big mistake and we might be now broken up

 

So I stayed strong for a week but on Monday morning I could not go on anymore and I texted him. I asked him how he was doing and what does his silence mean. I said I worry. He texted me back a couple of hours later and he said "Hello my dear, don't be surprised, you know that I told you I need time to think about us as you want me to be sure about you and our relationship and I am not now so I cannot help." I wish I left it at that. I texted him back and I told him that I respect his wish for taking his time but how long does he need for that? He replied and said to me that he does not like how I put pressure on him and that it does not work this way. I told him that I think it's only fair for me to ask as I already waited for him 2 months ago and I don't feel comfortable when we are silent. He said to me that I always look for a problem in each situation and that I am pushing him. I then asked him to call me and so he did. However, we ended up arguing and he said that he asked for time to think as I got us into this situation as I was the one who brought up the subject of the future and where our relationship is going and as I wanted him to be completely sure about me if I am the one girl for him. He then told him if I want a solution now, he will leave for good as I am pushing him. I started to cry and he said that that's the last thing he wants to hear. He said that he has been so stressed with everything and I only bring him troubles. He said that this is what makes him think that I might not be the girl for him. He then told me that it seems to him I am asking for break up and he said if that's what I want, he will leave. He said that he is too upset as I never support him and he always has to spend his time making me feel better and he said he was exhausted from that.

 

Anyway, he then told me that he is leaving. I called him back and I told him that I don't want to break up at all. I said that I want to be with him but I just find it hard how he always asks for time away from me. He said he is doing it because I am never happy with he has to offer and I always ask for more and he said he can't give me that. He said to give him a break and to leave him alone. He is going on a vacation with his best friend tomorrow. He said he may call me after but he may not. I was so hurt. I could not sleep at all. In the morning I apologised for being so emotional and I told him if he could forgive me that I will give him the time he needs and I appreciate that he is taking time to think about us. He replied and he said that he has problems at work, his grandma who he is closed to is in the hospital, he had a job interview, he hasn't been on holidays for a long time so he is exhausted and he had to think about us. He said now when I pushed him too far, I want him to think about us again. He said he will not forgive me this time as I am bringing more and more troubles to him and I am bringing our relationship more and more down. I told him that I will give him the time alone and I love him and I care for him and I was sorry to hear about his problems and I told him that I only cry because it hurts to think I could loose him. He replied and said to leave him alone as we agreeed. I texted him today and I told him that I wished him good holidays as he is leaving for 2 weeks to Asia and a safe flight and that I hoped he was ok. He did not reply I am so scared.

 

Is it too late? Please help me

[soft heart]

Please help me, I made a big mistake and we might be now broken up

 

So I stayed strong for a week but on Monday morning I could not go on anymore and I texted him. I asked him how he was doing and what does his silence mean. I said I worry. He texted me back a couple of hours later and he said "Hello my dear, don't be surprised, you know that I told you I need time to think about us as you want me to be sure about you and our relationship and I am not now so I cannot help." I wish I left it at that. I texted him back and I told him that I respect his wish for taking his time but how long does he need for that? He replied and said to me that he does not like how I put pressure on him and that it does not work this way. I told him that I think it's only fair for me to ask as I already waited for him 2 months ago and I don't feel comfortable when we are silent. He said to me that I always look for a problem in each situation and that I am pushing him. I then asked him to call me and so he did. However, we ended up arguing and he said that he asked for time to think as I got us into this situation as I was the one who brought up the subject of the future and where our relationship is going and as I wanted him to be completely sure about me if I am the one girl for him. He then told him if I want a solution now, he will leave for good as I am pushing him. I started to cry and he said that that's the last thing he wants to hear. He said that he has been so stressed with everything and I only bring him troubles. He said that this is what makes him think that I might not be the girl for him. He then told me that it seems to him I am asking for break up and he said if that's what I want, he will leave. He said that he is too upset as I never support him and he always has to spend his time making me feel better and he said he was exhausted from that.

 

Anyway, he then told me that he is leaving. I called him back and I told him that I don't want to break up at all. I said that I want to be with him but I just find it hard how he always asks for time away from me. He said he is doing it because I am never happy with he has to offer and I always ask for more and he said he can't give me that. He said to give him a break and to leave him alone. He is going on a vacation with his best friend tomorrow. He said he may call me after but he may not. I was so hurt. I could not sleep at all. In the morning I apologised for being so emotional and I told him if he could forgive me that I will give him the time he needs and I appreciate that he is taking time to think about us. He replied and he said that he has problems at work, his grandma who he is closed to is in the hospital, he had a job interview, he hasn't been on holidays for a long time so he is exhausted and he had to think about us. He said now when I pushed him too far, I want him to think about us again. He said he will not forgive me this time as I am bringing more and more troubles to him and I am bringing our relationship more and more down. I told him that I will give him the time alone and I love him and I care for him and I was sorry to hear about his problems and I told him that I only cry because it hurts to think I could loose him. He replied and said to leave him alone as we agreeed. I texted him today and I told him that I wished him good holidays as he is leaving for 2 weeks to Asia and a safe flight and that I hoped he was ok. He did not reply I am so scared.

 

Is it too late? Please help me

[Guest]

send a text to this bastard telling him that the only reason your getting so upset is because hes ignoring you. Tell him you suspeect its his way of ending the relationship without him feeling guilty, citing your response of his rejection as the reason. seriously what a **** you deserve better. dont get emotional and dont cry. just tell him straight, either he starts talking to you or its over, why should you wait for him to make up his mind about you while you sit at home crying and twiddling your thumbs? find someone who cares about your feelings. this guys probably off to play the feild on this holiday with his bang buddy. once he gets his wild time he'll probably want you back. screw him.

[Josalina]

I am totally in the same situation, it is horrible i know. There is nothing i can say because if i knew, i wud be doing the same thing. I have decided to leave my now i think ex alone after two and a halfs years because one day he woke up lost and confused, long story i have a new thread about it titled 'my ex is lost and feels he doesn't know himself'.

I figure if he still loves me like he says he done or maybe still does he will contact and that way i haven't done the chasing because i don't want someone who doesn't know if they want me, however it is hard i won't lie i feel for you. chin up and show him what his missing.

[Josalina]

i have read your last tread soft heary and i am sorry to hear that. i think maybe he needs time to live a little, i am as i said experiencing the same kind of prob, my thread is on breaking up if you wanted to hear a similar situation, the love of my life want to move abroad to work, its so hard, but at least yours is coming back, give him the space he wants, he knows u still care and let him miss u. i found some comfort from reading 'compilation of best s on how to win som1 back' by thekhris again in the colum Breaking Up. take care

[norajane]

Is it too late? Please help me

 

All you can do is back off, as he requested. I think he's being an ass in the way he's dealing with you, but he does have some issues that he's been very honest with you about that I think you need to really consider.

 

Fact is, guys don't want to be with women who are always unhappy with them, who are a stress when they already have a lot of stress, who don't listen to what they're saying when they do talk about how they're feeling. They want to be with women who are happy to be with them, who support them when they are stressed even if that means they need to be left alone, who don't pressure them about their feelings or about the relationship.

 

And that's pretty much what your guy has been telling you for a long time. You let your insecurities and your desire to have more of him lead you into behavior and into saying things that were guaranteed to make him feel even more pressured by you.

 

So now, all you can do is let him give things some thought. I know that's hard, and I'm not unsympathetic. You should be with a guy who know how he feels and who is crazy about you and lets you know you're important! Maybe this would be a good time for you to consider whether YOU want to be with HIM. What does he do for you that makes you feel good? When was the last time he was supportive and complimentary of you? When was the last time he made you feel loved? If it's been a long time, you need to figure out what you're trying so desperately to hold on to.

[Josalina]

norajane is right us ladies deserve respect and to be treated like ladies.

treat others as you expect to be treated and all that, remember if you would do it to someone else then there is something wrong with them, dont lower yourself to be wanted that, respect yourself and when the time is right we will see everything is done for a reason.

He may realise what he has done but if you move on and enjoy life he will be the loser because you may then turn round and say you dont wanna know now.

its all very well me telling u this and some of it may be what dont want to hear at the mo but it is hard and i do feel for you, but u respect yourself more than someone who doesnt know if they want you.

let nature take its course and keep busy as everyone tells me, their right dont sit around put yourself first then if he does contact your attitudes on life will have changed and he may realise the happy lady u were when he first met u, i dont mean this will be easy but let him see what his missing. take care

[Josalina]

sorry if some of that didnt make much sense lol i am tired and my typing is getting lousy i meant if u wouldn't treat someone like that then you know he has the problem lol soz

[Island Girl]

Maybe this would be a good time for you to consider whether YOU want to be with HIM. What does he do for you that makes you feel good? When was the last time he was supportive and complimentary of you? When was the last time he made you feel loved? If it's been a long time, you need to figure out what you're trying so desperately to hold on to.

 

This is so true. I know it sucks. I know you are hurt but you have been acting out of desperation and that is never attractive to a man.

 

The only thing you can do is back off. Completely back off. He knows, believe me he knows, that you want to be with him. But he is one of those guys that likes strength and independence. I'm sure when you met him you weren't clingy. Yet you have become that way.

 

Perhaps there were things that happened in your relationship that made you feel insecure.

Perhaps there are other things in your life that aren't great and instead of focusing on those you turned a microscope on this relationship.

 

Whatever it is you need to become you again. You feel so lost because you haven't stepped back from this for even a moment. Going over it all again and again won't help. You need to get out with friends, redecorate a room, something! Do something for yourself and then something else, etc.

 

So sorry but you have to wait it out and while you are waiting work on making yourself satisfied right now. If it is over, remember not to lose yourself so much next time.

[Rooster_DAR]

Once again, if you hear the words "I need my space" it's all over people. Very seldom do things work out for the better, but I guess there is a remote chance it could happen.

 

[Mary3]

All you can do is back off, as he requested. I think he's being an ass in the way he's dealing with you, but he does have some issues that he's been very honest with you about that I think you need to really consider.

 

Fact is, guys don't want to be with women who are always unhappy with them, who are a stress when they already have a lot of stress, who don't listen to what they're saying when they do talk about how they're feeling. They want to be with women who are happy to be with them, who support them when they are stressed even if that means they need to be left alone, who don't pressure them about their feelings or about the relationship.

 

And that's pretty much what your guy has been telling you for a long time. You let your insecurities and your desire to have more of him lead you into behavior and into saying things that were guaranteed to make him feel even more pressured by you.

 

So now, all you can do is let him give things some thought. I know that's hard, and I'm not unsympathetic. You should be with a guy who know how he feels and who is crazy about you and lets you know you're important! Maybe this would be a good time for you to consider whether YOU want to be with HIM. What does he do for you that makes you feel good? When was the last time he was supportive and complimentary of you? When was the last time he made you feel loved? If it's been a long time, you need to figure out what you're trying so desperately to hold on to.

 

So well spoken !