My boyfriend said to me "we need time apart"

[soft heart]

Hello all,

 

thanks for your replies.

 

So my boyfriend has gone travelling with his best buddy for a couple of weeks. I could not tell him to have a safe flight as they have been so many accidents and I obviously care about him too much not to say anything. So on Thursday I sent him a message and I told him that I wish him a good trip and a safe flight. He replied and said thanks for that. I asked him if he could tell me if we are still together or if he has broken up the relationship and he replied and said "yes we are" and he put kisses... I said to him I thanked him for the message as it made me feel better. I have not heard from him since and I have not attempted contact with him. I am now going to leave him alone and let him enjoy his holidays that he has been waiting so long. He should be back in about 2 weeks. I am scared he may not call me again but I am hoping that time away will help us to be ok again. But he reassured me so I hope we can meet again but I will not suggest anything about our next meeting. I will try to leave it up to him.

 

I just worry that if he is so far away now, he is in Asia, he will all forget about me and he won't think about me. I remember when he went to Canada with his friend last year, I did not hear from him for a few days and then he sent me a sweet email from Canada and when he got back, he was calling me all excited to hear me and see me. But now we are emotionally so distant, I am sad to think that the same thing could happen to us again..

[Rooster_DAR]

Just don't pressure him, and give him time and space. If you keep pushing, you are going to be in a much worse situation.

 

I know it's hard, but just keep doing things for yourself right now.

 

[soft heart]

Hello everyone,

 

I am feeling really low today. I am feeling scared and I am feeling really confused. It's been exactly 10 days since I heard from my boyfriend. He has been away on holidays with his best friend and he is not coming back until 25th September. I know that we kind of agreed that until he comes back, I leave him alone to think but I cannot help thinking that he might not be coming back? He has not sent me any message at all or email from his trip so I assume he forgot all about me and is having fun and does not even think about me.

 

It's been very hard at times not to hear from him. I have not made any contact with him even though I have moments where I feel like I would like to send him a small message just to ask how his holidays has been but I am afraid to do that.

 

I am feeling pretty sad worrying he might not call me again. Before he left for his holidays, I told him that he has to make decision and let me know when he comes back and if he does not call, it means he does not want to be with me anymore. He told me that it's not the best way to help our situation by making ultimatums but I just couldn't imagine waiting here again for him. We are in a long-distance relationship so I cannot see him frequently and when he asks for time away from me, it makes it harder for me. I know I probably pushed him away but I couldn't accept his doubts about me after so long.

 

I just don't know what else to do. I have been very busy this last week, focusing on myself, working, meeting friends, going out but his silence is making me feel worried. I am just really scared that we are not together again. I did ask him before he left if we are still together as his reassurance would make me feel better and he replied and said we are but I just don't feel his love and I actually feel like he is so much happier just to be with his friends without me and he does not need me in his life. I am so disappointed and I am starting to feel hurt about this.

 

Thanks for listening and for all your help!

[Rooster_DAR]

Your relationship is over plain and simple. I doubt anything can be done to bring it back, so that leaves you with two choices. Either you can continue to waddle in sorrow, or you can pick yourself back up, chalk up the loss as experience, and move on with taking care of you.

 

I don't mean to sound pessimnistic and caloused, I understand it hurts really bad and I've BTDT several times. You need to cut all contact with anything that relates to him, don't call his family, don't chat with his friends, stay away from him.

 

Give it another month of doing this and let us know how you progress. Of course, post back if you need to talk.

 

roost

[Mary3]

Hello everyone,

 

I am feeling really low today. I am feeling scared and I am feeling really confused. It's been exactly 10 days since I heard from my boyfriend. He has been away on holidays with his best friend and he is not coming back until 25th September. I know that we kind of agreed that until he comes back, I leave him alone to think but I cannot help thinking that he might not be coming back? He has not sent me any message at all or email from his trip so I assume he forgot all about me and is having fun and does not even think about me.

 

It's been very hard at times not to hear from him. I have not made any contact with him even though I have moments where I feel like I would like to send him a small message just to ask how his holidays has been but I am afraid to do that.

 

I am feeling pretty sad worrying he might not call me again. Before he left for his holidays, I told him that he has to make decision and let me know when he comes back and if he does not call, it means he does not want to be with me anymore. He told me that it's not the best way to help our situation by making ultimatums but I just couldn't imagine waiting here again for him. We are in a long-distance relationship so I cannot see him frequently and when he asks for time away from me, it makes it harder for me. I know I probably pushed him away but I couldn't accept his doubts about me after so long.

 

I just don't know what else to do. I have been very busy this last week, focusing on myself, working, meeting friends, going out but his silence is making me feel worried. I am just really scared that we are not together again. I did ask him before he left if we are still together as his reassurance would make me feel better and he replied and said we are but I just don't feel his love and I actually feel like he is so much happier just to be with his friends without me and he does not need me in his life. I am so disappointed and I am starting to feel hurt about this.

 

Thanks for listening and for all your help!

 

I am very sorry to say but your actions are killing your relationship and the love your boyfriend formerly had for you.

 

This is not a temporary bandaid where you don't talk to him for two weeks. You can't just honor his wishes and then start the insecurity all over again when he gets back.

 

You need HELP. You need to get some therapy to learn so much more so when you do heal from this you can DO better in your next relationship. But in your condition thats a longgggggggg ways away !

 

You can't force a man against the wall with ultimatums and conditions . YOU will LOSE ! ALways. Unless you are pregnant( for instance ) and force him to pay CS or marry you ( as an example )

 

But the " are we still a couple " ? " are you leaving me ? " all of that.....I know you WANT to say those things but you must LEARN NOT to say those things with your next man. You will always be on the losing end when you suffocate a man with decisions he does not want to make.

 

Love could be simple but it isn't. A man could easily slide into your arms and be content with your insecurities but the ONLY man that will put up with that is a man who is INSECURE himself or controlling and does not mind your whimpering ( not trying to be mean ) Try to think like a man from now on. They don't like emotional scenes. Watch how they interact with one another. Its going to do you justice later on when you are not so overly emotional and having the man scamper away because they can't handle it.

[soft heart]

I understand you what you are trying to tell me but would it be a mistake to just send him a message to aks how his holiday has been? I have not heard from him for almost 2 weeks and I think that's worrying me as it is very unusual? Or should I leave him completely alone and wait here for him when he gets back? I am just sad that he has not even sent me a small message to say hello from his holidays even though before he left, he said we are together...

[norajane]

I understand you what you are trying to tell me but would it be a mistake to just send him a message to aks how his holiday has been?

 

No, actually, I don't think you really do understand what the posters AND your bf are telling you. If you understood, you would know that sending him a message would be a mistake. Reread this whole thread and then reread it again. And then think about what people AND your bf have been saying to you.

 

I have not heard from him for almost 2 weeks and I think that's worrying me as it is very unusual? Or should I leave him completely alone and wait here for him when he gets back? I am just sad that he has not even sent me a small message to say hello from his holidays even though before he left, he said we are together...

 

I never contact ANYBODY when I'm on vacation. That's the whole point of vacation - getting away. I'm happy to see them when I get back, but when I'm away, I want to be AWAY.

 

The only reason you want to hear from him is get reassurance. However, if you contact him, you won't get reassurance. By contacting him, you'll reinforce is belief that you're too insecure for him to want to deal with and you'll push him away even further. Just relax - if he wants to be with you, you're worrying for nothing. If he doesn't want to be with you, worrying isn't going to change that fact.

[sao2]

Just relax - if he wants to be with you, you're worrying for nothing. If he doesn't want to be with you, worrying isn't going to change that fact.

That statement should be tattoed on everyones body sometime or another . . .

[soft heart]

I know that you all advised not to contact him and I appreciate your advice. Please don't think that I was ignoring it. However, after 16 days of not hearing from him, I decided to send him a message. I asked myself this morning if I was contacting for reassurance. In a way yes but I think it was mostly because these days planes crash down so often and I just really wanted to make sure he was ok. So I sent him a short message asking him how he is and told him that I hoped he was enjoying his holidays. I thought to myself that he may not reply and I said to myself that I will be ok with that even though it will be hard to accept. However, he did reply an hour later. He told me that he was good and he was having good holidays and that he is flying back tomorrow night and then he asked me how I was and he put three small kisses behind the message.. He did not call me "my dear" like he usually does so he has definitely pulled away from me but at this point I don't expect anything from him than knowing he is fine and I am happy he replied.

 

 

 

I sent him one back and said that I am glad he was ok and that he was having a good time and I told him that I am good and that I am enjoying my weekend. I said to him that I am wishing an enjoyable rest of his holidays and a safe flight back.

 

 

 

I know that it's not easy knowing that he is distant but I guess at this time it's not a good idea to discuss anything like our relationship or our situation. I just wanted to show him and proove myself that I can just send him a light-hearted message without being heavy or demanding.

 

 

 

What do you think?

[aikim]

I think since both of you are young he feels a lot of responsibility and pressure to make things better or solve problems everytime you go to him crying or upset. I think it's too much on him and he doesn't know yet if he can handle those kind of situations right now because he is young. When I was with my bf, I went to him everytime I was feeling upset because he was supposed to be my emotional support. But I went to him so often and I cried so often that he couldn't really handle it anymore because he felt like I was putting my burdens on him.

[Island Girl]

I told him that he has to make decision and let me know when he comes back and if he does not call, it means he does not want to be with me anymore.

 

Hopefully -- all women out there can learn a lesson from just this little part if nothing else:

 

Do not leave the ball in the man's court when it comes to this decision. You come off as weak and clingy. Even if he LOVES you -- don't ever do this -- this kind of statement makes you a doormat. Completely unattractive.

 

Make up your mind about what is going on. Ask yourself, "Can you live with the situation as it is with modifications?" If the answer is yes, YOU tell him YOU need some time to think and it is probably a good idea for both of you so you will talk to him in a week, in a couple of days, whatever. It is implied that you'll call him when you're ready. That way you don't sit around wondering if he is going to call or not or is it over or not in some nebulous in between world that you stuck yourself in.

 

---- And -- ultimatums DO work.

 

At the very start of a relationship. You lay down the ground rules of how you expect to be treated or they don't get you or your time and energy. Make them work initially and they do not forget it.

 

And, when there is a major problem. When this ultimatum is given, it is with the preparation that the relationship as far as you are concerned is over. Meaning you will live with the outcome either way. If the relationship changes, it continues. If it doesn't you are fully prepared to walk away.

Accomplish this by saying "I will not be treated this way anymore and if your intention is to keep doing so, I see no reason to continue being in a relationship with you."

It doesn't have to be those exact words -- I like them but you get the drift. Substitute 'I will not be treated' with situations, etc. It can be customized.

 

The only way ultimatums do not work is if you are attempting to orchestrate a single outcome. Then it is a move coming from desperation and neediness. THAT doesn't work.

[soft heart]

So my boyfriend sent me one text message and he called me today I was so worried he will not call me but he did. We talked about his holidays, my job, his job, my new house. The conversation was calm, which I am happy about. I did not mention anything about us, our relationship, our argument before he left, I did not question his feelings and I did not suggest our next meeting. I thanked him for the phone call and wished him a nice weekend.

 

The conversation was calm but I felt like he is closed up. I felt that we both were a little nervous, especially he sounded a little uneasy. I want to take it easy as he told me that he feels fed up with his job and he is feeling tired after coming back from his trip.

 

I want to see him but I want him to suggest it. I am worried that he will not? But I am happy he called. What do you think?

[Island Girl]

Glad it made you happy he called.

 

Yes, you should let him suggest seeing eachother and the best thing you can do for you and your hope of your relationship is to back off of the whining, constant pestering, and questioning of his commitment to you.

 

You really need to work on your insecurity that lies within you. And you need to take a step back from the value of the relationship to you.

 

Yes, it is important but you do not live and die by it. THAT attitude is attractive to men. Insecurity and weakness are the opposite.

 

So work on your happiness for yourself wht do you do for yourself that makes YOU happy.

 

Trust me it will show in your manner in talking with him and then you have hope.

[Mary3]

Glad it made you happy he called.

 

Yes, you should let him suggest seeing eachother and the best thing you can do for you and your hope of your relationship is to back off of the whining, constant pestering, and questioning of his commitment to you.

 

You really need to work on your insecurity that lies within you. And you need to take a step back from the value of the relationship to you.

 

Yes, it is important but you do not live and die by it. THAT attitude is attractive to men. Insecurity and weakness are the opposite.

 

So work on your happiness for yourself wht do you do for yourself that makes YOU happy.

 

Trust me it will show in your manner in talking with him and then you have hope.

 

Awesome Advice !

[Steff_a_nie]

You're in a LDR, how much more space does he need?

 

...I hope all works out for you, God Bless.