a very painful decision leave/stay?

[misty]

hi i have a very big decision to make, one that is very painful and so very hard to decide.

 

here is a little background, we have been together for over four years now, we are recently engaged.

 

i love him very much and that is why it is hard to make this decision. the problem is that he is very moody and stressed with his job.

 

he will not quit his job, he is in sales, and makes very good money. the problem is that he wants to go on vacation every 2-3 months to keep de-stressed.

 

while we both can afford to do this, i just don't want to do the traveling. i will not get in an air plane so we drive everywhere.

 

i don't mind the drive but once or twice a year is enough but not this every 2-3 months so he can de-stress.

 

this is really upsetting me now, it's like i have to choose or decide which is worse, putting up with his stress from his work which causes us both stress or putting up with some stupid trip every 2-3 months causing me more stress.

 

this is really hard on me, we just came back from vegas where we had a nice time. he is now relaxed and back at work and so am i.

 

i have tinnitus and while we were gone it was hardly noticeable, but the same day we arrived back in town it was back almost with a vengeance.

 

i don't know if it has to do with the elevation difference or stress or what.

 

so i don't know what to do now. i feel like i just can't pick up and leave him because i love him alot and this is killing me right now.

 

i just don't know what to do. i have told him that he needs to do something about his out bursts or i'm not going to stay around and put up with it, and that is why he came up with this idea of leaving town every few months or so.

 

i'm not about to let him go off on these trips by himself, i don't think that would be good for us, if i'm going to be alone like that then i may as well leave anyway.

 

so what can i do? does anyone have any alternatives for either of us?

 

thank you all in advance for any help you can give me.

[Tony T]

YOU WRITE: "it's like i have to choose or decide which is worse, putting up with his stress from his work which causes us both stress or putting up with some stupid trip every 2-3 months causing me more stress."

 

Stress is not produced by outside events or influences. People produce THEIR OWN STRESS based on how they handle things. There are doctors who work 18 hours a day in emergency rooms overrun with patients whose lives must be saved quickly and those doctors remain cool and calm through it all. They are trained on how to handle situations that could otherwise be stressful. They are trained to have power over their own minds' decisions on how outside stimuli are interpreted.

 

The solution is to sit with your guy and help him understand his work is not stressful at all...his reaction to it, how he handles is, is what is creating the stress. It is 100 percent HIS ownership and the stress exists ONLY in HIS brain.

 

There are numerous stress reduction, relaxation and other workshops available for those who came from neurotic families where parents weren't calm and the kids took on that inability to react rationally. There are also excellent relaxation tapes available which, if listened to for just 20 minutes each evening, can have a very calming effect. Any good bookstore will have these tapes or you can order them online. I downloaded some great ones off Napster but, of course, that's all over.

 

There are many people in jobs that could be extremely stressful who can't afford to take trips every two months. But they learn they need not escape their own mind but they can simply control how they react to situations and remain cool and calm despite what is happening.

 

It really works. Even if your guy doesn't learn relaxation techniques, in time he will mature and realize that it just isn't worth it to live life like he's living. As we all know, life is very delicate and each day could be our last. Does he really want his last day to be one in which he is needlessly running around like a chicken with its head cut off?

 

Call some mental health care professionals and see where the workshops are. There may even be stress management courses at your local university or hospital.

[misty]

thank you tony,

 

our trip helped him to realize that he needs to get away and de-stress.

 

i have actually told him in the past that his job is not that important that he has to bite mine and other people's heads off, his reply was that "it pays the house payment, doesn't it"

 

while that is true, i would much rather live in a nice little apt. and let someone else worry about the house payments and everything that goes with them, and i have told him that as well, but he will never do that again.

 

we were listening to these motivation tapes on our trip and he was very excited about them, so i know that he will try some relaxtion tapes as well.

 

i think after work today i will head to the book store and find some, thank you for the idea.

 

i know my alternatives suck, to either keep putting up with this stress/mood crap or put myself through stress with trips or leave him.

 

what alternatives huh? i don't like any of them, but i do love him, so for now, i will try what ever it takes, but i'm not going to go through the trips nor the stress of his actions.

 

i fully understand that only "I" can bring on my own stress, or how ever you said it, i will re-read it but it just don't work that easy.

 

thank you for such a in depth reply, i really appreciate it.

YOU WRITE: "it's like i have to choose or decide which is worse, putting up with his stress from his work which causes us both stress or putting up with some stupid trip every 2-3 months causing me more stress." Stress is not produced by outside events or influences. People produce THEIR OWN STRESS based on how they handle things. There are doctors who work 18 hours a day in emergency rooms overrun with patients whose lives must be saved quickly and those doctors remain cool and calm through it all. They are trained on how to handle situations that could otherwise be stressful. They are trained to have power over their own minds' decisions on how outside stimuli are interpreted. The solution is to sit with your guy and help him understand his work is not stressful at all...his reaction to it, how he handles is, is what is creating the stress. It is 100 percent HIS ownership and the stress exists ONLY in HIS brain. There are numerous stress reduction, relaxation and other workshops available for those who came from neurotic families where parents weren't calm and the kids took on that inability to react rationally. There are also excellent relaxation tapes available which, if listened to for just 20 minutes each evening, can have a very calming effect. Any good bookstore will have these tapes or you can order them online. I downloaded some great ones off Napster but, of course, that's all over. There are many people in jobs that could be extremely stressful who can't afford to take trips every two months. But they learn they need not escape their own mind but they can simply control how they react to situations and remain cool and calm despite what is happening. It really works. Even if your guy doesn't learn relaxation techniques, in time he will mature and realize that it just isn't worth it to live life like he's living. As we all know, life is very delicate and each day could be our last. Does he really want his last day to be one in which he is needlessly running around like a chicken with its head cut off? Call some mental health care professionals and see where the workshops are. There may even be stress management courses at your local university or hospital.

[quankanne]

you've written that you refuse to consider him making his get-away trips alone, because if you're going to be alone like that you may as well leave.

 

Don't knock separate vacations, because they help you to see just how independently you can operate without someone constantly at your side -- it's not really a matter of him abandoning you if you're mature enough to consider it in that light. By letting him go off on his own to pursue some peace and quiet, you get some of that peace and quiet, too.

 

While it's nice to be able to share free time or fun time with the one you love, too much can be just that -- too much. Learn to enjoy your private times alone, believe me, it helps cut out some of the stress you feel around your partner.

[misty]

I REALLY would not mind him going off alone once in a while if worse came to worse, like to california to visit his brother and the ocean, he loves the ocean, but not every time, that would be too much.

 

i think tony has the right idea though that he needs to learn to relax and not so much run away. i am going to buy him some tapes and have us both do them together.

 

we both like listening to motivation type tapes like we did on our trip to vegas and we both enjoyed them very much!

 

to some people maybe it sounds like i have nothing to complain about, but it's not like that, i really don't enjoy traveling that much anymore.

 

i'm getting older and i just can't handle the long drives. i think he needs to find a more productive way to handle stress from his job without spending alot of money traveling and leaving home.

 

we also have an old dog (15) i don't like spending alot of time away from him either and it is hard to travel with animals, i don't think it is fair to them if they have to stay in hotel rooms or the car.

 

maybe if it was not for our dog i would not mind as much either. i actually worried about him alot when we were gone.

 

he is on heart medication and has some other health problems and i worry about him when i'm just at work let alone hundreds of miles away.

 

thank you for your response and i know exactly what you mean and i do agree that time alone is good for each other.

you've written that you refuse to consider him making his get-away trips alone, because if you're going to be alone like that you may as well leave. Don't knock separate vacations, because they help you to see just how independently you can operate without someone constantly at your side -- it's not really a matter of him abandoning you if you're mature enough to consider it in that light. By letting him go off on his own to pursue some peace and quiet, you get some of that peace and quiet, too. While it's nice to be able to share free time or fun time with the one you love, too much can be just that -- too much. Learn to enjoy your private times alone, believe me, it helps cut out some of the stress you feel around your partner.

[yes]

why does a vacation have to consitute traveling? can't u just hang out at home, relax, go out a lot, etc?

 

if i were u, i'd suggest he do that every 2-3 months, and 2-3 times a year u guys can take a trip.

 

if u dont do airplanes, there's still trains btw.

 

good luck

hi i have a very big decision to make, one that is very painful and so very hard to decide.

 

here is a little background, we have been together for over four years now, we are recently engaged. i love him very much and that is why it is hard to make this decision. the problem is that he is very moody and stressed with his job. he will not quit his job, he is in sales, and makes very good money. the problem is that he wants to go on vacation every 2-3 months to keep de-stressed. while we both can afford to do this, i just don't want to do the traveling. i will not get in an air plane so we drive everywhere. i don't mind the drive but once or twice a year is enough but not this every 2-3 months so he can de-stress. this is really upsetting me now, it's like i have to choose or decide which is worse, putting up with his stress from his work which causes us both stress or putting up with some stupid trip every 2-3 months causing me more stress.

 

this is really hard on me, we just came back from vegas where we had a nice time. he is now relaxed and back at work and so am i. i have tinnitus and while we were gone it was hardly noticeable, but the same day we arrived back in town it was back almost with a vengeance.

 

i don't know if it has to do with the elevation difference or stress or what. so i don't know what to do now. i feel like i just can't pick up and leave him because i love him alot and this is killing me right now. i just don't know what to do. i have told him that he needs to do something about his out bursts or i'm not going to stay around and put up with it, and that is why he came up with this idea of leaving town every few months or so. i'm not about to let him go off on these trips by himself, i don't think that would be good for us, if i'm going to be alone like that then i may as well leave anyway. so what can i do? does anyone have any alternatives for either of us? thank you all in advance for any help you can give me.

[yes]

If you have a pet who needs your care ... I'd definitely let him travel alone. I would never leave my sick 15-year-old pet alone at home either, believe me.

 

Doesn't HE worry about your dog at all?

 

Good luck w/ those tapes.

I REALLY would not mind him going off alone once in a while if worse came to worse, like to california to visit his brother and the ocean, he loves the ocean, but not every time, that would be too much. i think tony has the right idea though that he needs to learn to relax and not so much run away. i am going to buy him some tapes and have us both do them together. we both like listening to motivation type tapes like we did on our trip to vegas and we both enjoyed them very much! to some people maybe it sounds like i have nothing to complain about, but it's not like that, i really don't enjoy traveling that much anymore.

 

i'm getting older and i just can't handle the long drives. i think he needs to find a more productive way to handle stress from his job without spending alot of money traveling and leaving home.

 

we also have an old dog (15) i don't like spending alot of time away from him either and it is hard to travel with animals, i don't think it is fair to them if they have to stay in hotel rooms or the car. maybe if it was not for our dog i would not mind as much either. i actually worried about him alot when we were gone. he is on heart medication and has some other health problems and i worry about him when i'm just at work let alone hundreds of miles away.

 

thank you for your response and i know exactly what you mean and i do agree that time alone is good for each other.

[misty]

wow! that is also a very good idea! now that is also something i can bring up to him.

 

we can just go for a weekend get away, it don't have to be for a week or two or 800 miles away.

 

in september we have to travel 800 miles to a wedding so that can be a vacation for him too.

 

next xmas we can go to california to visit his brother as well, he has been wanting to do that.

 

that should help and in between he/we can do some

 

mini-cations, thank you and excellent idea!

why does a vacation have to consitute traveling? can't u just hang out at home, relax, go out a lot, etc? if i were u, i'd suggest he do that every 2-3 months, and 2-3 times a year u guys can take a trip. if u dont do airplanes, there's still trains btw. good luck

[velvet]

hi i have a very big decision to make, one that is very painful and so very hard to decide.

 

here is a little background, we have been together for over four years now, we are recently engaged. i love him very much and that is why it is hard to make this decision. the problem is that he is very moody and stressed with his job. he will not quit his job, he is in sales, and makes very good money. the problem is that he wants to go on vacation every 2-3 months to keep de-stressed. while we both can afford to do this, i just don't want to do the traveling. i will not get in an air plane so we drive everywhere. i don't mind the drive but once or twice a year is enough but not this every 2-3 months so he can de-stress. this is really upsetting me now, it's like i have to choose or decide which is worse, putting up with his stress from his work which causes us both stress or putting up with some stupid trip every 2-3 months causing me more stress.

 

this is really hard on me, we just came back from vegas where we had a nice time. he is now relaxed and back at work and so am i. i have tinnitus and while we were gone it was hardly noticeable, but the same day we arrived back in town it was back almost with a vengeance.

 

i don't know if it has to do with the elevation difference or stress or what. so i don't know what to do now. i feel like

 

Does your man know that you have tinnitus. Can your doctor treat it. Is your man addicted to vaca. or what? My ex had problems with flying because his ears would bother him bad.

 

But I would overdose him with over the counter allergy remedies. We flew about every 3 months. Your situation could possibly be more extreme. So if your doctor cant help than who can?

[misty]

well yes and no

 

this is not something new, his outbursts and moods.

 

i have talked to him several times in the past about this

 

really to no avail.

 

now i know that he trying to do better and i give him credit for it.

 

he has posted up little sayings around his desk to help him, some religious, some just common sense like to "breathe and relax".

 

still when things start getting out of control and get hectic he forgets about all that and just lets go!

 

the worst of it i seem to be the target when he explodes, seems i have the knack for calling at the wrong time or saying the wrong thing at the right time.

 

today i did not talk to him at all i figured since it was his first day back and he had a ton of paper work to do and some deals to repair from when we were gone that he would not be fun to talk to.

 

so that helped out alot. maybe that is just the thing to do, to not talk to him during the day either.

 

still i should not have to do that, he needs to learn to be in control of his temper and not be controlled by it.

 

tonight i talked to him about the tapes ideas and he said we will look at some tomorrow but he wants to look at some other kind, not so much relaxation types but more motivation types i guess.

 

well maybe that will help too cause the one's we listened to on our trip were had affirmations and controlling your self kind of stuff, so that should help.

 

so this is nothing new to him. when he asked me to marry him i said yes, at the time things were going fairly well and he was doing so much better.

 

maybe he can only do good for a while i really don't know, all i do know is that i don't want to keep yo-yo-ing, that drives me crazy!

 

it's like some days i just don't know what kind of a response i will get from him about anything.

 

some mornings he wakes up and we lay in bed and talk and he is so sweet and loving and always says such sweet things to me and he is good to me for the most part, but as soon as his feet hit the floor his whole personality changes, really, i've never seen anything like it in my life!

 

so it really does not matter how good someone treats you or how much they spend on you, or how much they love, if they have one problem that ruins it all then all the good stuff really means nothing. do you agree?

 

thank you for asking i'm getting real good ideas from this board and i think that is so neat!

 

i also did mention the mini vacations to him and he looked at me like i was weird, but he is thinking about it. i told him i don't want to go on trips every few months, so when the time comes when he wants or needs to go again i will tell him we should just get out of town for the weekend, hopefully he will agree.

 

so he does know, sorta cause he knows that i will not put up with his bashing me anymore when he gets in his mooods.

Does your man know that you have tinnitus. Can your doctor treat it. Is your man addicted to vaca. or what? My ex had problems with flying because his ears would bother him bad. But I would overdose him with over the counter allergy remedies. We flew about every 3 months. Your situation could possibly be more extreme. So if your doctor cant help than who can?

[quankanne]

something possibly fun for a mini-break, but close to home -- has he thought maybe about hanging out at a state park or some place like that? if he doesn't like swimming, he can take books to read, go hiking or stuff like that. Sometimes, just being away from the hustle and bustle of a place makes a ton of difference.

 

I hope you guys are able to work out a compromise, esp. since you've got a dependent animal to take into consideration ...