The fated call finally came.....now what?

[Prettyinblack]

My relationship ended poorly about 2 1/2 months ago after 1 year of on again off again. We had been together for about four years, talked about living together etc. We decided to give it a good shot in the spring, but my idea of a good shot and his were different, so, no go.

I am doing well.....focusing on myself, joined a gym(thanks to whoever suggested that! on this site), just returned from a 1 week vacation at a great cottage, have started my own private practice, re-modelled my basement for a new office, got a pool, and have to say, I'm doing good. Most of all these enterprising ideas came from not wanting to sit around and mope as I was deffinitley in pain and was trying to keep my chin up.

Ok, now the scoop.....he has called me 4 times from his work since Friday, not left a message, but called again about an hour ago, and I picked up. He said, "Hi Trace, it's Marty"......

I said "hi",

he said, "how are you?"

I said, "I'm with a client and I can't talk right now."

He got flustered and said...uh.....ok....

ANd I said "K, talk to you later"

and then I hung up. I am soooooooooo rattled! Should I call him back or wait for him to call me again.......should I not ever call him back......I don't want to e his friend...he was the love of my life and I am still in agony......I don't want him to know I'm in agony and I don't know why he's calling/

What would you guys do? Ya know, we wait for the call and then cave when it actually happens......Help!!!!!!!!!!

[Prettyinblack]

Update:

He called after he got off work tonight and I answered. He talked about how he bought a new truck, asked how my summer was, had I taken holidays.....I told him I had rented a cottage for a week, he never asked with who. He never went anywhere, (we usually go camping so I guess that's good), blah, blah, blah.

I told him I noticed 3-4 calls on my call display from his store and thought it was one of his co-workers and he said no, it was me. I asked him why he was calling and he said that he hadn't talked to me since June and wanted to know how I am doing.....I said fine..........I then said, "I'm not looking for a buddy to have idle chit-chat with, Marty....". He paused and said he wanted to say 'hi' and see how I was doing...I said that I am doing the same as I was in May....fine. He said "Ok, well, I guess I'll say good-bye." And I said "good-bye". That was the conversation.

SO I hang up and I wonder "Why the Hell would he CALL ME>...I told him 3 years ago that I am not friends with my exes, that if we were that good of friends when we were together, we would STILL be together."

So, I guess it's over?????? Or was he testing the waters to see what kind of reception he would get? After 4 years????Jeez...I am a mess tonight. It's 1:18 in the morning and I alternate between crying and cussing at him.// I was doing fine not speaking to him.

[garnet]

actually, I'm surprised that he called back so soon after the earlier call, because it sounds like you were pretty abrupt with him. After calling all of those times without leaving a message too, it sounds like he must have really wanted to talk to you but may have been really unsure of the response he would get.

 

I'm not really buying his "just calling to see how you are". If it were that simple, why not just leave a message one of the other times? I have to say that if he was hoping to approach you on a deeper level, I think you made that difficult for him by cutting him off though. It sounds like there is definitely some anger on your part, but I don't really know much of the background story. Did you get the impression from the sound of his voice that he was nervous at all or any other vibe like that?

[Prettyinblack]

Thank you so much for responding back.....I've hardly slept.

I am angry at him.....really angry. I am angry at the 'back & forth' thing.

He sounded very chatty as though to keep the conversation going where usually, it's been me. He is friends with all his 'formers' but like I said in my previous post, I have told him I don't do friendships with exes.

He sounded more nervous when he called me from work and he was taken back when I said I wasn't looking for a buddy to have idle chit chat with....I'm not.

I guess what I want to hear is "Trace, I screwed up......forgive me.....give me another chance..." That's what I want to hear.....not some sort of resemblence of ..............whatever.

I still love him.

[LaraV]

I guess what I want to hear is "Trace, I screwed up......forgive me.....give me another chance..." That's what I want to hear.....not some sort of resemblence of ..............whatever.

I still love him.

 

Pretty - I think you're doing the right thing, and it takes a lot of courage and guts to do what you're doing, especially since you love him, still. I wonder if it's hard sometimes for people to say those words after they've realized their mistake - "I'm sorry, I want you back." I wonder if first they feel like they have to test the waters. I have no experience in that department, so I really don't know what he's trying to do.

[garnet]

yes, I can't imagine that it would be easy for someone to say the words that they made a mistake, especially when they have no idea where you are at with things.

 

If you made it clear to him in the past that you're not friends with exes, then I doubt that's why he was calling. He may have been too scared by your reaction to try to contact you again, I'm not sure.

 

I'm not sure how to best advise you at this point. Try to sit with it for a few days and then see how you feel and what (if anything) you want to do.

[Guest]

I am a guy. This dude is definitely testing the waters and wants back in. My suggestion is that the next time he calls you may want to let that festering anger take a vacation and let him say what he needs to say. It may take him a little while (chit-chat) to finally spit it out, but he will....trust me.

[SwayLady]

I guess what I want to hear is "Trace, I screwed up......forgive me.....give me another chance..." That's what I want to hear.....not some sort of resemblence of ..............whatever.

 

You were quite abrupt with him on the telephone and cut him short, perhaps he was going to apologise, you didn't give him a chance to say what he perhaps wanted too. If I recieved the reception from an ex, that he's recieved from you, then I wouldn't call back again, nope not even to apologise, even if I'd wanted too. I know that you said that you don't remain friends with exes, but being civil to him when he called wouldn't hurt. Just because you are being civil with someone, doesn't mean that it has to evolve into a friendship. You can be civil, but still keep your distance.

 

I'm unsure also, why you say that you are curious as to why he's calling and you are full of anger? Why are you curious, why be full of anger? I feel that if this was an ex who you truly didn't give a damn about, then you wouldn't be curious as to why he's calling and he wouldn't be able to raise your anger....you wouldn't give a damn, period! And you'd probably bar his calls to your phone, or get a friend at work to pick up and say you are unavailable, so that you don't have to speak to him.

[Prettyinblack]

Swaylady, I was civil to him....I spoke to him for 20 minutes about his new truck, his band, what is going on in his life. I told about my recent vacation, that I am working on my house etc.. I was civil.....I didn't have a 'tone' in my voice when I told him I wasn't looking for a buddy.....I was just stating a fact.

Why am I angry? Well, I have spent four years with this man, loved him, supported him (emotionally), spent christmas' with his family, was considered the favourite daughter in law (He's the only son) and was thinking we were going to spend our life together, and then 'whammo!' Fear of committment when the time was drawing near. I am angry and I believe that I ahve a right to be.

Why am I confused? Well, I am trying to move on with my life yet I still love him. Those two things do not go together. I still have hope for him and I, yet it requires a step forward in a large way from him or my fear is it will resume back into 'the way it was'.....

So, that's the story.....no cutting remarks to him at all.....just the way it is. I hope for the best with us, together or apart.....I just can't be his friend.

[scrybe74]

Swaylady, I was civil to him....I spoke to him for 20 minutes about his new truck, his band, what is going on in his life. I told about my recent vacation, that I am working on my house etc.. I was civil.....I didn't have a 'tone' in my voice when I told him I wasn't looking for a buddy.....I was just stating a fact.

Why am I angry? Well, I have spent four years with this man, loved him, supported him (emotionally), spent christmas' with his family, was considered the favourite daughter in law (He's the only son) and was thinking we were going to spend our life together, and then 'whammo!' Fear of committment when the time was drawing near. I am angry and I believe that I ahve a right to be.

Why am I confused? Well, I am trying to move on with my life yet I still love him. Those two things do not go together. I still have hope for him and I, yet it requires a step forward in a large way from him or my fear is it will resume back into 'the way it was'.....

So, that's the story.....no cutting remarks to him at all.....just the way it is. I hope for the best with us, together or apart.....I just can't be his friend.

 

He's probably just having a case of the wishy washies. You said he's been friends with his exes??? You're right to not be his friend in the future. All it does is relieve him of any accountability in his part in the breakdown. The more you are available to him the less energy he will spend looking inward at what went wrong with you two.

 

It hurts and it sucks but you are one of the FEW people on here that has handled it the right way from the jump. In the long run it'll be best for you ....the short run it sucks. People usually do it the opposite....short term relief for long term pain down the road.

 

Keep your chin up hon!

[Prettyinblack]

Thanks for the support guys...........i mean that....this is really hard....

[SwayLady]

Prettyinblack, yeah, sorry about that. For some reason, unsure how though ?? I missed and failed to see your second post in this thread *one where you'd mentioned talking with him about his truck, etc). So I apologise for my posting.

 

Now that you've explained a lot more about your R with him, then yes I can understand where your anger comes from. I too was in a long term R with my ex (9 years) and he too was a committment phobe. I still loved him at the time, still do and years after we seperated, fool I am. I know how hard it is to still love someone and try to move on (twice over, with the ex and my ex H actually).

 

Perhaps though and in time he will come forward with apologies. My ex did anyway, but I waited a long time for that to happen, like 10 years after the breakup! LOL. We didn't remain friends when we broke up, no communication whatsoever, we split, I moved away and that was that, PERIOD....until recently.

 

I agree with scrybe74's post anyway. Sometimes this being 'friends' only serves to relieve them of their guilt.

 

So now I know more of the detail, keep doing what you are doing

[Prettyinblack]

Thanks Sway...........

[LaraV]

I am a guy. This dude is definitely testing the waters and wants back in. My suggestion is that the next time he calls you may want to let that festering anger take a vacation and let him say what he needs to say. It may take him a little while (chit-chat) to finally spit it out, but he will....trust me.

 

Again, is it really that hard to say, "I'm sorry, I messed up, I want you back"?

[Prettyinblack]

Last night, a guy that my ex works with called me.....he has been calling me on and off since the break-up but I have never spoken to him.....just friendly e-mails and the such. I have done business in the store where my ex works for 20 years so I do know this guy from being in there over the years....he;s a little weird and eccentric but relatively harmless.

ANyway, last night he called......I asked him why he was calling and he said "just a social call"..........said he and Marty had the same luch hour on Saturday and Marty had asked him if he had talked to me lately......the guy said no, not really....just e-mails.....he then said that Marty had said "I haven't spoken to her since June....." This was after he started calling me on Friday.

THis guy said that he didn't want to interfere or push between us or anything...it was just a social call but if I was going through a hard time, he was all ears.....I replied with a "hmmmmmm". I didn't talk to him about anything but think it's strange that this dude is calling me.....I am so confused.

[Prettyinblack]

Hi all,

We spoke tonight....I called him back and said that I was more open to speaking with him(left message),and that I would like to talk to him.

He called me back and then we talked for a bit.......I said to him that I can't be his friend.....I would like to be but I can't be his friend and he said that he thinks about me all the time and doesn't know how it would be if we saw eachother in public or ????? does he say hi or not????

I asked himif he really wanted it to be over because a call after 2-3 months does nothing but F*** me up and if it's over, then say so, but don't call after 3 months. It isn't fair to me. He couldn't give me an answer.......that YES or NO isn't that simple and that we are in conflict alot of the time and I said that all relationships have conflict: doesn't matter who the relationship is with. He laughed and said that was true.

I said to him that it has never been a question as to whether I wanted to work it out, but rather him......he asked me if I could turn the page.....'it wasn't like we could forget all that has happened' and then asked "could you?" I said I didn't know, but I needed to know where he stood and he just skirted around the issue. I siad that maybe he wasn't understanding me, (Maybe I'm not understanding him>????????), but that I needed to know.....that we were both getting older and I didn't want to be "here" one year from now. I also said, "maybe you've met someone and are involved and if that's the case, ok, but I just want to know." He went silent and I said that i would take his silence as a "yes" and he said "no, I'm not with anyone, I think about you all the time."

So the conversation ened with me saying that we both need time to think and the next call is his.....he laughed and said OK......talk to ya later.....I said ok, Bye....

So that was it......don't know what to think.......

[garnet]

wow, that sounds pretty interesting. I think it's good that you were so open with him, it must feel good to get that off your chest. I'm sure it couldn't have been easy to make that phone call.

 

It sounds to me like he wants to give it another shot but he's too chicken to come right out with it (and we know that most men are chickens, after all!)

 

Look forward to hearing what happens next.

[princessa]

Heh, drop the pride, people