So lost.

[FoxxieFatale]

I'm sorry this is very lengthy...

 

Until just the past few months, I would never had seriously suspected my husband of cheating. We have been together for five years, and married for three. We have two children, 2 years and 8 months old. Our sex life, to me, is great. I can't get enough of him, and for awhile now, out of worry that it may become to bland for him, I have been trying my best to spice things up, doing things I used to shy away from.

 

A few months ago he went became extremely depressed and withdrawn, and finally confessed that he thought our marriage was falling apart. I had no idea he felt this way, and I was upset that I could be so blind. We agreed to work things out. He continued to be withdrawn from me, so I hunted for evidence of what may be going on in his head. I searched his cell phone for any confidences he had given others, and I found text messages to and from an unknown person suggesting mutal interest in a romantic relationship. He referred to me as his "soon-to-be ex-wife" and said he was "in a bad marriage." At first he said he "didn't know who she was", and then told me the messages were a prank he and his buddy pulled on me to make me jealous.

 

I did become insanely jealous, and beagin going through his emails and myspace account. I found an email he had saved from XMatch.com. It was his username and password for the site, sent May 1, 2006. The photo on the email looked pretty suspicious, so I logged into his account there. It is a XXX dating community. He filled out a profile describing himself right down to his "endowment." He stated that he was married and he was "seeking a mature woman for a discreet relationship." He said he didn't remember when he did it, but it was a long time ago and he was just curious. It had only been two months when I found out about it.

 

Since this I have caught him oogling scantily-clad girls on MySpace.com, doing suspicious searches on MySpace (searches for "sex," "****," "dawn" and "dawns place"). He lied about looking at them at first, then made up lame stories about why he was looking. I then found out "dawn's place" was a porn site that he later visited. I confronted him, and he lied about it being him, then made up another lame story. I told him I was uncomfortable with him looking at porn, especially with two young children in the house, and he said he understood and would cease doing so.

 

Last week I went out-of-town. Every day while I was gone, he had been downloading and watching porn videos on Limewire, even while each day he'd tell me on the phone he wasn't looking at porn. When I confronted him about it, he once again denied doing it. then came another lame story.

 

Yes, I am very uncomfortable with my husband looking at pornography, or even PG-13 photos of girls in lieu of porn.I don't want to get into whether or not it's okay for guys to look at porn; I feel it's wrong for a married man to use porn, end of story. I approached the subject several times before, and he always denied having any interest in it. I let him know I did not approve of it; I thought we were in agreement.

 

What really gets my goat is the lying. The lyig had been a major issue for at least a year now, and his omitting details even longer than that. I discussed how his lying was eroding our relationship, and he agreed to stop lying and hiding things from me. But it continues. I fear that the things I am finding lately are indicating infidelity or that infidelity is in the near future. Other than the lies and the secrecy, he is a wonderful man. I love him so dearly that the thought of leaving him kills me. I know he loves me too, but I'm not sure if it's enough to keep him faithful.

 

I guess the point of this post is to ask for reasons this may be happening. What you would do if you were in my position. Suggestions on how I could handle this. Whether you think I'm overreacting.... I don't want to let him lull me into complacency again, just to end up the silly wife he comes home to after going out with some other woman. I also don't want to throw away my marriage and my children's chance at the unbroken family I never had.

 

Just any kind of feedback would be nice.

[brickaney]

No offense to you but he sounds pretty immature, lying all the time. I'd say ask him to get a marriage councelor with you and if he refuses then end it with him. I understand that you don't want your children to grow up having divorced parents, but it's better than having your children grow up with disfunctional, unloving parents. Your husband sounds like a jerk and I don't understand how he's convincing you to stay with him. Maybe he's tapping into your fear for your children's health. If he doesn't want to make the effort to get counceling to work out your problems then the issues you guys have are just going to get worse. When it comes to infidelity I believe a couple can't work through the jealousy and loss of trust alone, they need outside, professional help. Your children deserve to see their parents happy and grow up in a loving household, even if that means two separate loving households. I've seen my share of traumatized children, stuck with disfunctional parents who stay in their unhappy marriage. Also, you need someone you can trust. Your husband has mentally abused you lying and making up excuses to make you stay with him. He doesn't sound like a real man to me, especially since he's trying to hide everything from you. You're supposed to be his WIFE not his MOTHER. Please don't stay with him out of fear of the unknown. Let him make the decision to get help and if he refuses then leave him and take care of yourself. I can't even begin to imagine what kind of pain you must be going through just thinking about your marriage ending. I am deeply sorry for that. I wish the best for you and your children.

[Becoming]

He doesn't want to grow up and probably feels overwhelmed by the responsibility of having two small children when he's such a child himself.

Which leaves you with being the responsible one.

 

His lying is intolerable. He's at least having an emotional affair in his head (with porn) if not in reality with txt messenger. He's withdrawn from the marriage, and there's not much you can do about that except lay down the law, telling him his behavior is unacceptable and if it happens again you will be taking his children and leaving. Sometimes in order to get him to wake up, you have to do such drastic measures. But make sure you mean what you say and do what you say or he won't believe you and chalk it up to venting without taking you seriously. And if you do leave or ask him to (better), you're gonna have to be ok with that scenario.

 

Right now, it sounds like no one has the power in this situation. He's acting like a powerless child, and you're afraid he'll just let you go, so you've given all your power to him when he can't even handle his own.

 

Both of you--not just him--but you too--need to grow up and look at what's going on here. If his behavior is unacceptable, then what are the consequences going to be? Ask for what you want, and when you don't get it, then ask yourself why you're staying with this man. If it's out of fear, then how can love grow?

 

I think what you're going through is quite common with children your ages. It's men who've been displaced as the children they are, not being able to handle the sibling rivalry with their Wife-Mommy they know shouldn't be their Mommy. So they exert their manhood outside the relationship like the little children they are with such childish actions as your H is doing.

 

I don't mean to sound harsh. My H had an email fling when our children were your ages. I threw him out and changed the locks. After a week he came back saying he wanted to be in the marriage, and things were repaired. But you need to take a stand here if this is truly unacceptable to you. And be prepared to take the consequences. I'd garner all the proof you need for a potential court case deciding custody before telling him he has to go. He's already stepped over your wishes and nothing happened. He thinks you're bluffing. Are you? If not, then do something to show you mean business.