User ???

[Cherokee21]

HOW CAN YOU TELL IF A GUY IS A USER?? THAT IS MY QUESTION !!

 

See, I met this guy about 4 months ago at a new hardware store where a lot of college kids work. I was just getting out of an abusive relationship, he had just gotten out a four year with a kid and LOTS of drama. We agreed on a booty call, because we both had too much going on.

 

Everything was fine for the first month or so. Just very casual, We were on a very good friendship level. We could joke around about everything. I was very emotional through the breakup with my ex, but I still wouldn't let myself cling to a new guy. He was being sweet, visiting me at work. He warned me at first not to fall for him, but it seemed like all he was trying to have me do was just that. He would tell me I was beautiful and that he loved me, and that he wanted to meet my parents. I didn't fall for it, until I started to believe that he actually had fallen for me. He looked me in the eyes, and said that he wanted me to see that I deserved better than my ex and other guys who treat me like he did (abusively). His friends and my friends at work already told me that I was too good looking for him, but then I lost a bunch of weight, started tanning, etc and basically tried to look really hot... because I thought it would help me find a good guy?? And they were telling me that I was out of his league and that I shouldn't even mess with him if he was playing games.

 

Well, I ended up believing him, giving into him, actually thinking that I was in love. I was not sticking up for myself as much anymore. I became more sensitive, I was always overcompensating. But even though these were all of my flaws from my past relationship, I thought it was what he wanted. He seemed to feel more confident, yet he also felt guilty. And I could tell he was less attracted to me, even though I had gotten better looking. He knew I was emotional with my recent breakup and all the stress in my life, so it was always like he would look into my eyes just to try to sense how emotionally attached I was getting day by day even though I would NEVER tell him.

 

He ended up throwing me to the curb. I lost my job so I never saw him there anymore, plus he quit. He still acts sweet, but SO distant. He used to send me texts saying 'I still love you' etc. until about 2 months ago, and it has been about 3 months since I have seen him. Over the summer, he found another girl, who he basically just used for sex and always told that he didn't want a relationship as he kick her out of his place almost every night (this is what I have heard from outside sources). I owe him a laptop that I spilled a drink on about 3 months ago (the warranty is expired) and I send him texts alot to try to keep in contact with him. I am desperate to see him again, but I try not to let it show. He now has a girlfriend and I am back with my ex.

 

My bf and him have a class together. They almost got into a bar fight over the summer because of his friends trying to holler at me while I was out with my bf, so they DO NOT get along. His girlfriend is also in there with him. I cannot determine what he type might be, but I do know that she is very clingy (from what I sense and what I've heard), and not exactly the most physically attractive person...But I pick my bf up from class every day, and I always see him, with his girlfriend. It always looks like I knock him off his feet when he sees me since I have tried to work on my appearance even more since I've seen him. But I can tell that he tries to stall so he can walk behind me with his girlfriend. When I make eye contact with him, He looks at me like he misses me. Like that kind of ashamed look.... its hard to tell though.

 

Its a tense situation, my boyfriend knows about our history and his girlfriend does too. So its very awkward when they all walk out of the classroom and we glance at each other. But this guy stares at me and checks me out and tries to read me still, all while I am with my bf and he is with my gf. So I tried to contact him with a text about his computer, and I won't lie this had been one of the many texts I have sent him over the next 3 months...........and this is what I get in response.......

 

"Look no offense but my girl nos our history n its botherin her that u r textin me al the time SO STOP agt" !!????

 

Basically the biggest diss I've ever gotten....

 

So what is going on and why do I let this get to me???....I miss him like crazy, But I'm back with my man. I am just so heartbroken. Its a terrible thing when someone just drops you for no reason. People say he is crazy because I am a lot better looking, and I have "better" personality than that girl. But they have no right to be saying that in my opinion, altho it does stay in the back of my mind because of how much I hear it.

 

Should I get him his computer and just leave him alone? I have a hard time being rejected, obviously. I just can't let things go. I don't even want him back necessarily, I just want an understanding as to why he just DROPPED me like I am nothing. I know that I need more self respect in order to be treated right, but I knew exactly what I was getting myself into, just not to this proportion.

 

It also bothers me that he has a GIRLFRIEND now who is insecure, and needy from what people who know her say??? I would like to say that I think he has more respect for her, but I hear that she will do just about anything for him, and that they had sex before they met.... AND the ironic part is that his BM (babys mama) has a new boyfriend...and I guess he is not too happy about that. He needs a lot of rides to places, and basically I think he needs her to make him feel better about him self??? I can't judge their situation I guess...... But I think he could just be a USER, the biggest USER I've ever known..... or I am just crazy???

 

But what do you guys think? Could he have actually fallen for me??? Is he just using his new girl? I feel like I really care for this guy, and I send him very nice texts just to get no reply..... What can I do to make this situation better. I would like to say that I will just let him go, but I can't. I atleast want him to remember me.....

[destination_unknown]

Cherokee, this is, i think, the fourth thread you have on this guy. You were advised no contact but you haven't done that. That's why you are still hung up on this guy.

 

The guy has told you in no uncertain terms to leave him alone he is happy with his girlfriend and does not need to justify to you why he is with her, even if you consider yourself better looking.

 

Yes, thats painful but you will be fine. Go NC, pick your boyfriend up a little bit away from the classroom so you don't see him. Don't text him, you are harassing him when he has a girlfriend. Whatever connection you two had it is now over.

 

If I remember correctly your current boyfriend is abusive, why are you back together with him? Get rid of him too.

[typical]

But I think he could just be a USER, the biggest USER I've ever known..... or I am just crazy???

 

But what do you guys think? Could he have actually fallen for me??? Is he just using his new girl?

 

 

Why should it bother you whether this ex who has moved on with his life, (clearly WITHOUT you in it) is a user or not?? WHO CARES? He doesnt, why should you??

 

Dont waste another thought on him or his character defects or flaws.....

 

 

You started texting him again based on "looks" or "signals" which you percieved was a green light to start something up again....

 

Doesnt that make you just as tacky as your opinion of his GF? (read below):

It also bothers me that he has a GIRLFRIEND now who is insecure, and needy from what people who know her say??? I would like to say that I think he has more respect for her, but I hear that she will do just about anything for him, and that they had sex before they met....

 

With one look from him, you were trying to start something up with him again, and that is why you texted him....because if he fed into it, and admitted feelings for you too, you both would now be cheating behind your boy/girlfriends backs.....and you know it...so he cant be that much of a user or using her for doing the noble thing and texting you this:

"Look no offense but my girl nos our history n its botherin her that u r textin me al the time SO STOP agt" !!????

 

How do you know that he wasnt giving you those "secret looks" (that could quite possibly be all in your head, judging from the severity and nastiness of the text) because he knew you were going to start texting him or attempt to rekindle something again, and was giving you those "secret looks" to make you do this, so he could make his GF more jealous?? How do you know he wasnt just "using" you to make her jealous??

 

 

but I hear that she will do just about anything for him

Kinda like you?? read on:

 

It always looks like I knock him off his feet when he sees me since I have tried to work on my appearance even more since I've seen him.

 

combined with all the text messages and signals you are sending out, doesnt that make you just as needy and clingy?? Do you think he doesnt notice that?? Do you think others dont notice that as well??

 

Dont romanticize this guy anymore. There is no "secret agenda", he is not "secretly pining" over you, you are not his muse, he doesnt have plans for you, he is not hoping to secretly get you one day, no matter how tan, skinny or desperate you get.

 

This comment:

and not exactly the most physically attractive person

was very shallow indeed....you know what they say:

beauty is in the eye of the beholder.

 

Why dont you try to start working more on your inside instead of your outside?

 

Look, I am not trying to be cruel, I am just tired of women wasting their time and potential on scumbags all the time. Groom and culture yourself. Become more aware of who YOU are and what YOU represent in this world. Let him pass you by. Chances are, even if you do end up "winning" him back, he will only do the same thing again in the future. Do you really want a man that weak??

 

The fact is, you are suffering more from a bruised ego, rather than a shattered heart. Pick yourself up again, get ahold of your dignity and pride, and dont look back. The future is yours, do something useful with it instead of pining away for a guy who doesnt pine for you.

[Mary3]

Why should it bother you whether this ex who has moved on with his life, (clearly WITHOUT you in it) is a user or not?? WHO CARES? He doesnt, why should you??

 

Dont waste another thought on him or his character defects or flaws.....

 

 

You started texting him again based on "looks" or "signals" which you percieved was a green light to start something up again....

 

Doesnt that make you just as tacky as your opinion of his GF? (read below):

 

 

With one look from him, you were trying to start something up with him again, and that is why you texted him....because if he fed into it, and admitted feelings for you too, you both would now be cheating behind your boy/girlfriends backs.....and you know it...so he cant be that much of a user or using her for doing the noble thing and texting you this:

 

 

How do you know that he wasnt giving you those "secret looks" (that could quite possibly be all in your head, judging from the severity and nastiness of the text) because he knew you were going to start texting him or attempt to rekindle something again, and was giving you those "secret looks" to make you do this, so he could make his GF more jealous?? How do you know he wasnt just "using" you to make her jealous??

 

 

 

Kinda like you?? read on:

 

 

 

combined with all the text messages and signals you are sending out, doesnt that make you just as needy and clingy?? Do you think he doesnt notice that?? Do you think others dont notice that as well??

 

Dont romanticize this guy anymore. There is no "secret agenda", he is not "secretly pining" over you, you are not his muse, he doesnt have plans for you, he is not hoping to secretly get you one day, no matter how tan, skinny or desperate you get.

 

This comment:

 

was very shallow indeed....you know what they say:

beauty is in the eye of the beholder.

 

Why dont you try to start working more on your inside instead of your outside?

 

Look, I am not trying to be cruel, I am just tired of women wasting their time and potential on scumbags all the time. Groom and culture yourself. Become more aware of who YOU are and what YOU represent in this world. Let him pass you by. Chances are, even if you do end up "winning" him back, he will only do the same thing again in the future. Do you really want a man that weak??

 

The fact is, you are suffering more from a bruised ego, rather than a shattered heart. Pick yourself up again, get ahold of your dignity and pride, and dont look back. The future is yours, do something useful with it instead of pining away for a guy who doesnt pine for you.

 

AMEN ! ! ! ! !

[Cherokee21]

I don't think anyone is being cruel. I put it all out there, and I'm glad that you all did the same. It is actually very helpful to hear this. Thank you.