Valgio Posted August 29, 2006 Share Posted August 29, 2006 First of all I'm very glad to have found this community. Ive read many posts and many are similar to my situation. Ill start by saying that my wife and I have known each other for a long time and were best of friends before any feelings of love. I was going through a divorce and she was dating a guy who was secretly planning his wedding to another woman. (All her previous boyfriends were caught cheating on her too.) We spent allot of time together repairing our feelings and after about two years she said to me one night. "Your the man I'm supposed to be with" This changed my outlook on her and I began to see her in a total different lite and began to fall in love with her. We started dating a few months later and moved in together a few months after that. Not long after I was laid off from my 11 year job and suddenly we had to make changes. This was a major blow for me and I think i sunk deep in depression (but didn't know it) We had a few run ins early on behind trust. I was chatting on-line with someone a few states away who's boyfriend was beating her and I was trying to convince her to move out and protect herself. My problem was I gave her my cell number which she called one time and my then girlfriend saw the number and thought I was possibly cheating on her which i was not at all. This was her history smacking me in the face. We worked that out or so i thought. She really was still dealing with this history. I think she felt safe with me and this hurt her. Few years of living together and we were married. A year later we had our first baby girl. This was the beginning of our real issue. Her being tired all the time and sleeping all the time made my life full of dead time. Well I started playing on-line games IE. Everquest , WOW etc. I began to spend time in my office more and more and it became an obsession of sorts. She viewed that as me not wanting to be with her even tho I felt that I only played when she was in bed sleeping. This really hurt her. What i didn't realize was that my depression was taking over my life and I was pushing my wife further away from me. She pulled back from me romantically and my next chat session on-line included some flirting emailing. I was not looking for anyone else or to meet with someone but I enjoyed someone telling me that I was nice and special. This happened a few more times with about 4 women who all at some point wanted to meet up and the thought of this really turned me off to the chatting with them and always ended the conversations on my part. Well to get to the point. Over the last year or so we've been distant from each other, sex when i basically begged for it every couple months. In February my wife found about 5 flirty emails and asked me to leave saying she really couldn't see me right now and wanted me to move out for a while. When i moved out i thought she just needed some time and i moved in with a mutual friend (so she would know where i was and exactly what i was doing) Her whole family all the sudden was all over her helping her with everything money, cutting the grass it was unbelievable that those same people who never were around to babysit were now all over the place. Well i began going to counseling and actually started breaking down what my issues were. She went once. Its been since Feb 06 and Ive been going to counseling every 3 weeks. Ive been staying over there every few weeks on the weekends and Its really killing me because she doesn't say its over but says that either she doesn't trust me and more recently that she doesn't know if she loves me enough to go through all it would take to work this out. I know Ive listed a very long post but I'm feeling that she never really loved me enough and maybe i was the safe one and that i may be paying for others mistakes. I know i did wrong by chatting but my intentions were not to ever hook up but i missed someone telling me that i was special. How the hell do i get her to take me back Many have done much worse things and made it through. Sorry for the long post but this is really driving me crazy. Ive been sitting in my friends room they let me stay in since Feb. I love and have always loved my wife and don't know what i need to do to fix this. I keep saying to myself that theres a chance because if she were finished with all this she would have filed for the big "D" by now. Help. Link to post Share on other sites
my_dream_love Posted August 30, 2006 Share Posted August 30, 2006 Well, in this case, you can't say that she doesn't love you enough. You're the person that should ask yourself that question. You know deep down how hurt she was with her previous bf. What make you think she isn't with you? She loved you otherwise she wouldn't married and have a daughter together. If I were here, I would do the same thing. For years, I had problem my husband and his chatty girl(friends). Your intention was to cheat, plain as that, no but or maybe in women's mind. If you have problem in some ways with your wife, you should go to her, that is marriage is all about. Turning to some other women is the biggest mistake men can do. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Valgio Posted September 6, 2006 Author Share Posted September 6, 2006 Ive beat myself up over and over about this. I can truly say that my intension was not to cheat. I think i was allowing others to tell me good things. I love and have always been deeply in love with my wife. Being depressed I think I allowed on line games and friends to creep deeper into my life. Ive been in therapy now for 7 months (something I thought I would never do) and have identified so many areas where I was being selfish. I come from a family where my mother handled the home totally. Dad worked and just came home to chill with us till time to go to work again. I think i secretly thought this was how my life was gonna be too. Work all day to come home to a smiling and loving wife no matter what reality held. Boy was i wrong. Any way Ive been spending time at the house with my wife and girls and we have a great time. Still there isn't any real affection or personal attention coming from my wife. Its almost like were friends and nothing more. How can i get her to understand that Ive taken this seriously head on and need her to put forth some effort to get this back on track. When I talk to her about it she says she knows what i want but just doesn't know. As I said this is going on seven months now. Am i being impatient or is it really done. I'm so confused now that I'm letting my feelings out to myself and others. Hurting everyday is not something I'm used to. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Valgio Posted September 26, 2006 Author Share Posted September 26, 2006 Well this weekend on saturday my wife called me over to the house and said she feels shes been being very hard on me and blaming me for things I really didnt have anything to do with.... All in all we have decided to work things out. All i have to say to all my friends out there looking for inspiration is ... Its been 7 months of separation and were gonna work it out so stick to it if you love your partner and if you stay true to your feelings all things may work out... Good luck and ill update later... Link to post Share on other sites
Fun2BMe Posted September 26, 2006 Share Posted September 26, 2006 Don't repeat the same mistakes. It's wrong to be chatting to all those women and giving out your phone number to strange women across the country who need a shoulder. You're married so I can't blame your wife for kicking you out. Now that she's giving you a second chance, make sure you apologize and tell her to feel safe and trust that you won't do those things any more. Don't blame it on your depression either. Try taking anti depressents. That's not an excuse to flirt and try to hook up with other women. Don't blame it on your wife being tired either. Tell her how you feel instead of trying to find comfort with other women. Good luck. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Valgio Posted October 5, 2006 Author Share Posted October 5, 2006 Your right I used every excuse i could to try to justify my actions. I must say that after 7 month of biweekly therapy Ive found that communication is really the key. It took me a while to finally realize that i was not a super hero as i thought but just a confused man running from responsibility. I think I'm on the right path now, If i need to talk.... i talk to my wife. Thanks for the straight and blunt responses. Were working on the relationship now and have a couples meeting with our therapist where we will lay out the plans for me moving back in and to make sure were both on the right path before that happens. This has been a wake up call like no other in my life. Link to post Share on other sites
mental_traveller Posted October 6, 2006 Share Posted October 6, 2006 I don't think this is quite so desperate as it seems. First, you never met anyone. So yeah, you did go behind your wife's back, but you immediately drew the line every time one of these women wanted to meet with you. I think that demonstrates that you just had a kind of escapist need for reassurance when your wife was (not intentionally) neglecting to be with you. So yeah, it was wrong but I think it's one of those somewhat understandable wrongs that didn't go beyond the pale. In other words, something that, if confessed to, apologised for, and rectified (and not happening again!) could be genuinely forgiven. Second, your wife's harsh reaction surely is the result of her past. What you did reminded her of her unpleasant history of being cheated on, so of course she is going to react much more harshly than someone secure in themselves. I think she may have thought oh no, he's another one of *them*! But you aren't, and I think she can realise that once she calms down a bit. So here I think she basically needs reassurance that you are who she thought you were, not who she fears you might be (based on her history). You have to be honest and cut the crap, stop these ways of escaping from her & escaping problems. Learn to confront you problems more instead of hiding with them, and try to be more open. Prove to her that you do love her and are trustworthy, I think she will come around and you have a good chance of getting back. Also, this time should be better because you will both be much more honest & knowledgeable about each other. Well, good luck! Link to post Share on other sites
ImInPain Posted October 6, 2006 Share Posted October 6, 2006 I think as others have posted here you need to turn to your wife to talk and support her instead of other women on the internet. You need her to be your primary focus. That is why you got married right? To many people take what they have for granted and don't see what they want is right there in front of them. Link to post Share on other sites
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