why do taken men look at porn??

[WoWaddict]

my bf looks at porn. For a long time it really bothered me because it started crossing personal boundaries with me (was starting to affect our sex life, and it was starting to involve real girls, not porn stars). He had a lot of insecurity issues because of a past bad relationship (the first, and only other girl besides me that he fell in love with f*cked him up pretty bad), and in the process of trying to feel good about himself, ended up repeating the vicious cycle by making me insecure.

I would get really really upset and i would just hate myself. It look a long time for him to want to change his behavior. One day I just broke down, and he saw what it was actually doing to me.

 

We're both constantly working on communication and our self esteem. We're lucky to have each other, because when one of us trips up, the other is right there to help. It's an ongoing process, and I can honestly say, there has been a huge improvement.

 

So working on your insecurities doesn't necessarily have to be something you do on your own... especially when the situation is similar to mine.

 

 

Now porn become a healthy part of our relationship since things have been sorted out. We cant really see each other during the week because of work/college. I would rather him look at porn than hook up with another girl when we cant be together. Porn makes me uncomfortable, and he's suggested watching it together, but I'm not ready for it yet. We also send webcam pics/movies back and forth during the week and we make dvds.... just in case he's missing the real thing during the week. I don't tell him not to look at porn... I just give him a pretty damn good alternative. lol

He also uses porn as a way to spice things up in bed. Every once and awhile he has a trick up his sleeve, and I know he's getting it from somewhere lol

[rainfall]

Funny here I was thinking my f had a serious problem with porn. But then again I got to thinking...At least he's not cheating!! We have a huge collection. We even have fun watching them together. I know TMI..lol. But he has had a thing for porn ever since we started dating. I'm not going to say that it never bother'd me. I just kind of got use to it. What I can give for advice is try watching one with him. It might be something you might enjoy doing together and then you wont feel left out. I know the first time we watched one together I was so embarassed. Now I have fun with it. Nothing like being hot and bother'd and him feeling the same...and me being the one he takes it out on!!!!

 

Can I ask you a question? If you know that he got turned on by some other chick not you, how can you really be ok with him just using you as a way to get off........

[Moose]

Then the majority of 'you men' are liars. Despite what most people say on the surface, in their deepest, darkest most private fantasies, if they had the choice then they'd chose to be with their 'perfect' partner. This partner would, in all likelyhood, be absolutely stunning looks-wise. I mean, why would you chose/fantasise about someone ugly? It just doesn't make sense!

Well, guess I'm living my, "deepist, darkest most private fantasy", then because Mrs. Moose IS the perfect partner who happens to be absoutely stunning.

And you say that you wouldn't want a porn star because shed be "too much slut for my taste". Well, who said it's based on her behaviour? I was under the impression that the thread was focussed mostly on looks. Okay, so if you ran into your favourite porn actress in real life, and she was totally not slutty, but sweet, intelligent, faithful, kind and had a great personality, would you still think the same??

Let me clarify something, I don't have a favorite porn star. And it's not because I like all of them, it's because I have no clue who they are......

 

Secondly, when you a have a wife like mine, who pleases me in every way possible, (sex included), I don't have to fantasize about anyone but her....

[Woggle]

 

 

Women like that are rather silly. It’s a perfect example of the feminist movement gone too far. There’s no need to put men down or rub it in their faces. IMO, women who do that are trying way too hard to prove themselves in what is still very much a man’s world. I’ve known women like this, and behind the bravado there lies deep insecurity about their abilities and self-esteem. Anyway, despite what they say, they most likely wouldn’t need to think twice if given the opportunity to be swept off their feet by Prince Charming and carted off to his crystal castle in the sky.

 

 

 

By this you obviously mean that they aren’t good looking?? What is it exactly that you want in a female? Obviously not someone who has a mind of her own and can argue a point! No offence, but you do come across as being a male chauvinist pig. If that’s your attitude then its no friggin wonder you’ve crossed paths with females who’ve tried to assert themselves in the manner you previously stated!

 

 

 

I hate to break it to you, but guess what? Modern women have feelings!!! Does that come as a shock? If it’s too much trouble to accommodate the emotional needs of your SO, then you’re much better off alone with your porn.

 

Maybe it is the feminist movement gone too far but since many men have gotten tired of hearing it and are deciding that a porn image is better than the real thing some women are whining. If they invented machanical wombs that needed no egg women for the most part would be utterly useless.

 

I am not even talking about looks. Truth be told looks are about 3rd on my list but many women have have horrible personalities and a horrible outlook on life. Porn is much better than a woman that nags you to death, demeans, divorces you because she decides she settled for you then denies you a relationship with your children. Since most women have horrible personalities these days all they really have to offer is sex and when you can whack off to a porn image any time you want and don't have to put up with all the drama tell me which choice is better.

 

Modern women do have feelings but so do modern men yet women these days care very little about how men feel. We are lower than dirt in their eyes and worthy of hatred and contempt because we commited the crime of being born male. I am not directing this towards all women and I have a great woman in my life but this is the truth about mordern day gender relations. I will only commit to a woman and mean it if it is less drama than porn.

[Carbine]

And then on the side they want to bang "dirty girls", but to them these girls are just whores and sluts, not worthy of marriage ever, just for 5 minutes of sex and to use them as a sperm depository.

 

Well, I'm saying they probably look at porn the same way. They probably feel like those women only serve the purpose of being a visual aid to help them reach ejaculation and nothing else. Only worth to use while reaching orgasm, but NEVER marry because men have double standards! It's ok for THEM to jack off to pornstars, but the pornstars themselves are considered "dirty" and NOT marriage material, only boning material. Trust me, a lot of men think this way. To them these girls are nothing but whores. However they feel they themselves are superior and somehow exempt from whore status cause they are males.

 

Yeah I pretty much agree with what you're saying. I guess a lot of men do think this way. My ex - well, maybe he's a little different? I'm not too sure...I'm not sure if I've already mentioned it in this thread, but he told me (after I badgered him a bit) that he respects strippers/porn models/hot women simply because they are hot! I could tell from the look on his face that he felt bad about admitting it, but he was being honest. I've observed him in social situations, and it's apparent that the better looking girls get more of his attention. He treats them much more respectfully than the uglier girls in the group, who tend to cop a lot of his teasing and hurtful (playful) comments. I don't even know if he realises how he's acting. I once worked with his mother and she told me point blank one day that "X expects women to look a certain way". That really hit home for me. So obviously if a woman looks the way he expects her to look, then he's more likely to treat her properly, because she fits in with his beliefs, values and ideals. It's a sad but true fact that if I was better looking, I'm almost positive that he'd treat me better and would be more in awe of me. As it is, I just seem to get the distinct impression that he feels I'm second-rate and thus, treats me as such

 

Well, guess I'm living my, "deepist, darkest most private fantasy", then because Mrs. Moose IS the perfect partner who happens to be absoutely stunning

 

Well, you must be in the absolute minority then. Hey, congratulations if that's how it is, I still think most men would step over their own grandmothers just to be in your position, despite what they say.

 

Secondly, when you a have a wife like mine, who pleases me in every way possible, (sex included), I don't have to fantasize about anyone but her....

 

Hmmm...so if what you're saying is true, then this basically goes and negates the general consensus that 'even if a man was with the most beautiful woman on earth, he'd still look at porn and fantasise about other women'. That's actually very interesting...

 

since many men have gotten tired of hearing it and are deciding that a porn image is better than the real thing some women are whining. If they invented machanical wombs that needed no egg women for the most part would be utterly useless.

 

Well dont bother with women like that, if you know what they're like. Anyway, you're the only guy i've ever heard say that porn is better than a real woman. I seriously think you'd be hard-pressed to find many men who'd agree with you on that one!

 

many women have have horrible personalities and a horrible outlook on life. Porn is much better than a woman that nags you to death, demeans, divorces you because she decides she settled for you then denies you a relationship with your children. Since most women have horrible personalities these days all they really have to offer is sex and when you can whack off to a porn image any time you want and don't have to put up with all the drama tell me which choice is better.

 

I can't actually figure out if that comment is meant to be a heated stab at women in general, or if it's actually how you feel. Regardless, i do agree with some of what you're saying, which you may find surprising. Yeah, in my experience, women are pretty awful to deal with. That's why I recently gave up trying to have female friends, and never will again. However, u say that modern women only have sex to offer and be that as it may at the current point in time. But what happens to you when loneliness kicks in? Like it or not, companionship is a basic human need, some people can live without it, most cannot. Are you still going to be happy to come home to a pile of playboy mags and your right hand then? I know you're with someone at the moment, but for argument's sake, say you're not down the track for one reason or another.

 

Modern women do have feelings but so do modern men yet women these days care very little about how men feel.

 

I think that's a very broad generalisation. I don't think modern women care little about how men feel. I do however think (speaking from my own point of view) that a lot of women are caught up in furthering their own lives, careers etc due to having more opportunities now than in the past, and maybe guys have been a bit overlooked. Maybe some have jumped on the equal rights bandwagon a bit prematurely, and gotten caught up in what they believe are feminist politics and the like. Still, I don't think that men have been permanently downgraded on the foodchain by these women.

 

We are lower than dirt in their eyes and worthy of hatred and contempt because we commited the crime of being born male

 

I disagree. I think it's more an expression of the resentment that comes with the curse of being born female. Despite all the hullabaloo over equal rights and all that crap, it's still very much a man's world and can be a difficult and confusing place much of the time. *shrug* maybe some women see it as the obvious choice to lash out at men.

[cutegirl]

Yeah I pretty much agree with what you're saying. I guess a lot of men do think this way. My ex - well, maybe he's a little different? I'm not too sure...I'm not sure if I've already mentioned it in this thread, but he told me (after I badgered him a bit) that he respects strippers/porn models/hot women simply because they are hot! I could tell from the look on his face that he felt bad about admitting it, but he was being honest. I've observed him in social situations, and it's apparent that the better looking girls get more of his attention. He treats them much more respectfully than the uglier girls in the group, who tend to cop a lot of his teasing and hurtful (playful) comments. I don't even know if he realises how he's acting. I once worked with his mother and she told me point blank one day that "X expects women to look a certain way". That really hit home for me. So obviously if a woman looks the way he expects her to look, then he's more likely to treat her properly, because she fits in with his beliefs, values and ideals. It's a sad but true fact that if I was better looking, I'm almost positive that he'd treat me better and would be more in awe of me. As it is, I just seem to get the distinct impression that he feels I'm second-rate and thus, treats me as such

 

In your ex's case it's just a character flaw, not all men think that way but for those that do, that's pretty messed up. He just happened to be really superficial in your case. You can't change a guy but you can weed out the bad ones during the stage when you're getting to know them. As for me, I can tell when a guy is superficial or places too much emphasis on appearances when I start talking to them, so just weed out those type of guys out way in the beginning. He must have given you some signs that he was like this from the beginning.

 

Also you can weed out the guys that watch porn, just pretend you're nonchalant about it and pretend like you don't have a strong opinion about it and see what their reaction is. It's always best to find out these things about a guy BEFORE you get in a relationship with him, while you're still in the "getting to know each other" stage. Cause once you're together it can be hard to let go.

[Jersey Shortie]

Funny here I was thinking my f had a serious problem with porn. But then again I got to thinking...At least he's not cheating!!

 

Good lord, this is a most hideous arguement lacking any self respect. "At least he isn't cheating". So you are saying porn is an aid that keeps your boyfriend from cheating? I don't think you are giving yourself much credit or men that much credit for that matter if you honestly believe this.

 

Lets see, what are women's options here when she is in a relationship with a man that she care for? She either doesn't let him look at porn and he cheats, or he does look at porn having his fill of x-amount of other women PLUS her there to service him and be there for him to emotionaly unload on. Do men not ever understand the disrespect and lack of love this makes women feel? Or do they not care? Seriously. Because when you get down to agruements such as " at least he isn't cheating", I loose a little hope that men are capable of being faithful at all and can be trusted and respected themselves.

 

Nothing like being hot and bother'd and him feeling the same...and me being the one he takes it out on!!!!

 

Yes and he is hot and bothered not because of you but because of another woman he was getting turned on from. And you are just the thing that is there for him. So you got your legs spread for him and he is hot from the girl he saw in the video. Now that is special! It is this kind of stuff that makes me wonder if men even care about women.

 

 

Porn is much better than a woman that nags you to death, demeans, divorces you because she decides she settled for you

 

Too bad women don't have something equal to porn where they can also escape the reality of what men are as you are using porn to escape the reality of the woman you had in your life. No one tells little girls that when they get older and "fall in love", something most little girls wait their whole life for, that their white knight is going to ride in with his cock in his hand and a playboy in the other drooling over implanted 18 year olds with fake eye lashes, fake tans, who would spread their legs for the Hunchback of NoterDame.

[georgina]

me fiance looks at porn when im not in, why is this?, i find out because he doesnt think to delete the downloads off media player, i mean, we have sex every day so why does he do need to look at all this, am i right to feel hurt by this and not good enough or do men look at this in a diffrent way to us. i dont no how to feel but its making me feel sick and insecure.

Hi im in the same boat! All men are dogs, he loves you not them but he should respect your feelings

[rose45]

hey

 

I have a thought..why do they do it? Why not? Its sooo easily available..you type in sex in the seach engine you can probably come up with 1000 sites related to porn..its on tv just flipping through the channels..what guy is gonna come across it and TURN IT OFF..maybe some..but the majority...NO.

 

My b/f got a lap top which is his first computer..and now i am thinking..is he going to these sites..is he checking this stuff out? He thinks its ok of course to watch it or look at a magazine.

His friend sent him a pic of supposedly this hot girl on his cell..it didnt work for some reason..i went on his lap top like a few days after he got it and he was already looking for that picture..and he said yeah he was curious what she looked like and then he said he was getting more annoyed that it just wouldnt work and that is what was making him try to find it more..it made me mad he put in SOO much effort to see this picture.

[Grinning Maniac]

Men like anything with boobs...

 

Except their own girlfriend. *lol*

 

Never satisfied.

 

And any woman who objects to a man sleeping around on her is just "insecure."

 

Unless the point you're making is that sex is as meaningless to men as shopping is to women. If you have a couple of hours to kill, you go have sex? what is your girlfriend so upset about, it's just sex?

 

(Masturbation is that meaningless. Sometimes I'll just be sitting around, suddenly get horny, and feel like quickly rubbing one out. Bing bam boom, ah that's better. Now I can get some work done. THAT'S ALL THERE IS TO IT. Kevin explained it flawlessly.)

 

I'll bet even Brad Pitt watches porn. :lmao:

 

I wouldn't be surprised. And oh wow...get this...he probably farts sometimes too. Sometimes I'll bet his nose gets runny.

 

Men like hookers, too.

Oh do shut up. Could you be more cynical? Beating off and buying prostitutes. There's a biiiig gap between the two. And for the record... I'd never buy a hooker. Yuck. Not my cup of tea at all.

 

Yes but I do not have to date someone who disrespects me like this.

 

Beating off to porn occasionally...means you have no respect for your woman? Okayyy...glad I don't date chicks with that mindset.

 

So if guys want to be selfish why can't thet tell their women, "Hey I am tired and gonna lay here and not do anything." Every single women I know would prefer that then to having their man jerk-off to porn.

 

Porn hurts me because I work my butt of to look good for my man. I deserve better then to be just some wet hole he uses.

 

Reading this thread has made me see why some women stop caring about how they look in relationships. Really there is no point in trying if you will never be enough for your guy.

 

About us laying there...that's bull****. You can't speak for all women, in the first place. Somehow I doubt all women would appreciate being told "Hey I'm horny. Drop whatever it is you're doing and ride my dick until I come, at which point I will be done with you, and you may go." (Because that's about as much consideration as I give to porn)

 

And how many women have griped/dumped/cheated on guys because they're lazy in bed and only think about their own pleasure? But now you're saying that's better than them masturbating? Clearly not everyone agrees with you. Further, you're inconsistant from the very beginning. First you say that you'd be happier with your boyfriend using you as a soulless cum dumpster than with him looking at porn...and then you say you resent the idea of being "just some wet hole he uses". Pick a position and stick with it.

 

Speaking of which... I would say with 95% certainty that you are the only person in your relationship who thinks that you are just a cum dumpster and that you will "never be enough" for your man. You're projecting your own paranoia and self-esteem issues onto your boyfriend. That must be fun for him.

-----------------------------------------

 

[AND NOW FOR THE ACTUAL RANT]

Jersey, catgirl, and (especially) rainfall...get a grip on reality please. You three are insane. I swear to god you aren't even listening to what people are saying to you. You're just twisting things around to mean whatever you want them to mean, and then writing sarcastic responses to it. Do I have examples? You bet your ass.

 

1) Someone says that they love their girlfriend fully... they point out that porn chicks are more physically attractive, but that they don't give a **** because those girls ARE NOT REAL, and specifically point out to you that they choose their girlfriend far over beating off, and to compare the two is rediculous...and what do you say?

 

"OMG YOU ARE SO MEAN! YOU JUST ADMITTED YOU LOVE PORN MORE THAN YOUR GIRLFRIEND OMG! YOU TOTALLY JUST SAID YOUR GF WAS YOUR 100TH CHOICE YOU JUST SAID YOUR GF WAS AN UGLY TROLL AND YOU'D DUMP HER FOR JENNA JAMESON!!!"

 

 

2) Guys make posts admitting that they think of all kinds of things/people/scenarios when beating off... and what do you ladies say?

 

"OMG YOU FANTASIZE ABOUT PORN STARS WHILE HAVING SEX WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND?! YOU ARE SUCH A CREEP!"

 

 

I swear I kept seeing great points and hoping the discussion would go somewhere, only to see one of you broads completely shove words into the person's mouth and miss the point entirely. R-E-A-D. It will save us all a lot of time. Stop replying to things that we haven't said. I think that might be why your lives are so complicated. You get offended by default, even when there's nothing to take offense at.

 

I've read tons of posts by women utterly convinced that if a man occasionally masturbates, it means that his girlfriend "isn't good enough" or that he's "not satisfied"....EVEN WHEN EVERY GUY IN THE ROOM IS TELLING THEM THE OPPOSITE! How ignorant do you have to be to disregard information coming from the source? Ladies, I think we know our own motives for wanking just a little better than you do.

 

Your crazy theories about male sexuality are way off. You girls are the only ones who think that you're "not good enough" or that we don't want you. You are letting paranoia and media-fueled image complexes screw up your relationships. CHILL OUT. We can't save you from yourselves. The girl (rainfall?) posting about the huge fights over self-pleasure that the neighbors hear? The demands that she get alllll the guy's attention even when he's asleep and ****? That was ****ing sad, and yet I couldn't stop laughing. There was also some chick a few pages back who moaned about how women have to "compete with each other"...NO YOU DON'T. You are the only ones who give a **** about it. God that line always sounds so damaged. The hilarious part is that in your frenzy to "be better" than all the pretty images you see, and demand that your mate never look at a picture of another breast again because it's cheatingandwhydon'tyouloveme...you all become VERY unattractive. I don't think I could stand to be in a room with some of you for an hour.

 

I remember this one thread where some girl said she habitually altered her looks to match girls she saw her boyfriend looking at. Pfff...and you tell me dames aren't crazy? Right.

[Toni_no12002]

grinning maniac- no there not crazy.I had this problem abit back really bad so i know exactly how it feels to be in this situation.It isnt nice.I have more confidence now but back then i felt crap.You cant understand it from a womans point of view.

 

As for the media thing yes its true!How many times a day do people see skinny size 0 women in magazines and on the tv.Theres arguements saying these women are crazy to be so skinny but still they use them to display fashion.

 

Maybe some of these women are too paranoid about the porn thing.If all this porn thing isnt important why do so many people write to defend thereselves about using it?

[Krytellan]

Wow, thank you Grinning Maniac, for saying it so well.

 

I read this thread and I just look up to the sky and sigh. If you women had any idea what "really" went through a guy's mind when he masturbates... you'd laugh. I am so incredibly grateful I have a girlfriend who masturbates regularly and looks at internet porn. The sex is absolutely fantastic and we both are with the only person we have any desire to be with.

 

It's so simple. It means nothing. I just wish that you all could realize that because you are putting yourselves through some serious stress that does not need to exist. Aren't there so many other important things to worry about?

[rainfall]

Few things.....

 

1. No I was not the chick who got into a fight with her boyfriend so loud over this that the neighbors could hear. I also never said I must get all his attention when he is asleep.

 

2.I am not ok with being a cum dumpster. That is one of the reasons I dislike porn and fantasy. It makes women into that. All I said was ONCE IN AWHILE I would be fine with my man laying there and I do all the work. I said this because someone said men use porn because they don't have to do anwork.

 

3. My dislike of porn has nothing at all to do with me being insecure. I am very secure and think I look good. It has to do with the fact that I do not respect the porn chicks in anyway. If my boyfriend chooses them over me that is wrong.

 

4. If porn means nothing to you then why look at it? If you could care less then why not just give it up and have sex with your gf when you have the desire to masturbate?

4.

[Krytellan]

If I just had sex with my gf every time I wanted to masturbate, wouldn't that be using her as a cum dumpster? I respect my gf too much to expect her to have sex with me every time I feel like I want to get off. She means more to me than that so there I some things I can take care of myself. Besides, should I have her come over at 6 am because I need her to take care of my morning wood. Geez, come on.

[amerikajin]

Jeez, this thread's still around?

 

.....2.I am not ok with being a cum dumpster. That is one of the reasons I dislike porn and fantasy. It makes women into that. All I said was ONCE IN AWHILE I would be fine with my man laying there and I do all the work. I said this because someone said men use porn because they don't have to do anwork.

 

Well, if women in porn vids are cum dumpsters then men are cum dumpers, if that's how you choose to look at it. I agree that it's very raw, but I don't think it makes "women" into anything other than what they are, and it's not much different from what their male counterparts are for that matter. Women like to express their sexuality and some women individually like to express themselves rather freely, as do some men - though most men I know wouldn't actually appear in a porn either. You're forgetting something: it's two people, one from each gender, in the porn video. It's not really any more debasing women than it is debasing men...or do you automatically put women on some sort of pedestal where men don't belong? Is that it - real ladies aren't free to express their sexuality?

 

Rainfall, I don't think people are really saying you're necessarily wrong for your opinions with regard to porn. If you take exception to porn, it is your prerogative to make it clear to a guy that you find porn to be unacceptable. I think where you're losing people here is this idea that you can go inside another man's head and prevent them from fantasizing about other women sexually, which in my experience as a male, is absurd. I wouldn't hold any woman I date to that standard because I know I couldn't follow it myself. I would definitely expect my mate to exercise great discretion and to be respectful of my feelings, and that I can totally understand. But to say outright if that you ever learn about your guy fantasizing about some girl he barely knows or not at all, that's a bit unrealistic. I know you've said before that your man is a gentleman and that he loves you, and that you are certain he'd never fantasize about another woman. It is not my intention to make you feel insecure about your relationship with him, for as far as I know he probably does hold you in high regard in just about every aspect. I guess what I'm saying is, if, hypothetically speaking, you came home and barged into the bedroom and caught him spanking it in front of the computer, I would not fly off the wall like Lucille Ball. I would definitely find it within your range of rights to confront him about it, talk to him about it, find out what's up, and see if you can't get an open dialog about it. But I would not pound him into submission over it.

[rainfall]

If I just had sex with my gf every time I wanted to masturbate, wouldn't that be using her as a cum dumpster? I respect my gf too much to expect her to have sex with me every time I feel like I want to get off. She means more to me than that so there I some things I can take care of myself. Besides, should I have her come over at 6 am because I need her to take care of my morning wood. Geez, come on.

 

Well I guess it is a little different for me since we live together.

 

I really don't see how it is unrealistic to not want my bf to fantasize about other women. I personally NEVER EVER have to fantasize. If I did it would be because there was something missing in our relationship.

[Toni_no12002]

Well I guess it is a little different for me since we live together.

 

I really don't see how it is unrealistic to not want my bf to fantasize about other women. I personally NEVER EVER have to fantasize. If I did it would be because there was something missing in our relationship.

 

 

It doest mean there is anything wrong with the relationship.If people didnt have imaginations we woulnt have half he things we have now.

[Starman]

Well I guess it is a little different for me since we live together.

 

I really don't see how it is unrealistic to not want my bf to fantasize about other women. I personally NEVER EVER have to fantasize. If I did it would be because there was something missing in our relationship.

 

You sound just like my wife, utterly ridiculous concepts of which I don't know how they come about. Some women want their "man" to stop looking at porn or other women once they are in a relationship. OK, but everytime I close my eyes I can picture every girl I've ever fantasized about and play out the fantasies in my head, no porn or other woman in eyeshot to provide the image for me. I don't understand why some of you can't grasp the concept of fantasy. Did you not play make believe as children? Our imaginations are one of our greatest gifts, why are you threatened by that? Do you not think that your current b/f or husband fantasied about you and probably still does?

 

Why some women feel the need to control the men in their lives, even their every thought is beyond me. You are not endearing yourself to them by engaging in such behavior, just makes you appear to be childish and selfish.

[Carbine]

Jeez, this thread's still around?

My thoughts exactly!!

 

 

I've been avoiding this thread like the plague for the last few weeks following my traumatic split with my bf. (For those of you who aren't in the loop, his decision was largely due to my severe jealousy and insecurities - not just with porn but in general). I've decided to rejoin this thread because I'm feeling a bit more stable than in previous weeks.

 

Basically, my attitude towards the whole porn thing got me nowhere in the end, and for a few weeks he wanted nothing more to do with me. Its only recently that he's softened up a little, and has led me to think that there may be a chance for us in the future (IF I change my attitudes, IF I stop being such an insecure b**** etc etc). It would be unfair of me to imply that he chose porn over me, and I don't think he even considered his decision in the sense of chosing his freedom. I think he just simply believes that porn fulfills a 'need' for him and men in general, and for me to deny him that need would be like asking him to stop breathing or eating.

 

So, in a nutshell, he's won. It's a win-win situation for him, because if we don't get back together, he's free to have his porn, and free to find a girlfriend who's happy for him to look at it. And if we do get back together, he knows that I'm so determined not to lose him again that I'd do anything to keep us together - i.e. put up with his porn. It's a lose-lose situation for me, because I can't bear to be without him, and that this is as bad, if not worse than the pain his porn puts me through. And if we get back together, I'm going to have to bow my head and allow my self-esteem to keep being eroded because I'll have to accept that I'm never going to be beautiful enough for him.

 

My feelings towards porn haven't changed a bit. And f**ked if i'm going to pretend to myself or anyone else that in time I can learn to enjoy it. If my bf and I do get back together, I will grit my teeth, put on a fake plastic smile, and lie point-blank to him that I don't give a s*** if he looks at porn or not. But deep down part of me will always resent, hate and despise him for putting me through this.

 

Anyway, I'll continue to post in this thread, if and when I feel I have a valid point to make. But in terms of my personal situation and this issue, I guess things have been resolved (bad choice of words - maybe 'come to a standstill' is more like it). I wish things had turned out differently, but they haven't, so what more can I do? I lose - plain and simple.

 

 

And so down into the history books goes yet another story entitled 'How Porn Destroyed my Relationship'.

[Guest]

Jeez, this thread's still around?

 

 

 

Well, if women in porn vids are cum dumpsters then men are cum dumpers, if that's how you choose to look at it. I agree that it's very raw, but I don't think it makes "women" into anything other than what they are, and it's not much different from what their male counterparts are for that matter. Women like to express their sexuality and some women individually like to express themselves rather freely, as do some men - though most men I know wouldn't actually appear in a porn either. You're forgetting something: it's two people, one from each gender, in the porn video. It's not really any more debasing women than it is debasing men...or do you automatically put women on some sort of pedestal where men don't belong? Is that it - real ladies aren't free to express their sexuality?

 

 

I could not disagree more. Porn is not about expressing sexuality. Do you really, honestly think that's what the pornstars are doing? It's about selling their bodies and sex for money.

 

Furthermore, yes porn is degrading to men as well, but _in general_ it is more degrading to women. The average porn video has a female to male ratio of 5:1, is made from the male POV, and treats women as objects. As a female, I take alot of offense to that, and take offense to my BF treating other women (because the porn girls are real women) as objects. It is disrespectful. Yes, it is disrespectful to treat men or look at them the same way, and guess what, I don't.

[rainfall]

Why some women feel the need to control the men in their lives, even their every thought is beyond me. You are not endearing yourself to them by engaging in such behavior, just makes you appear to be childish and selfish.

 

 

No it doesn't. Why do men defend the pron in their life so much. They even defend it over their SO feelings. I do not want to control my man except when it comes to something that has to do with me. He is free to do alot of things if he chooses. They only thing I do not want him doing is having fantasies about screwing other women. Since I have been with this man I have never had to have a fantasy.

 

Fantasy for me means I am unhappy with what I have and wish I could have this because it is better then what I have now. It is selfish for my man to expect me to accept that I will never be enough for him and that he is free to think about screwing abyone he sees or meets.

 

It does mean something is wrong in the relationship if you gotta think about screwing other people........

[Grinning Maniac]

No it doesn't. Why do men defend the pron in their life so much. They even defend it over their SO feelings.

 

Most aren't defending porn so much as defending a right to get themselves off if they so choose. Permission to bust a nut, maam?

 

I do not want to control my man except when it comes to something that has to do with me.

 

Actually, it doesn't have anything to do with you. I know that most women think that it does...but it doesn't. Now, when several men tell you this, and also explain that occasional masturbation is in no way some "red flag" as to their feelings for their SOs, or their level of happiness in the relationship...and you choose to ignore all of that... what more can anyone do?

 

Fantasy for me means I am unhappy with what I have and wish I could have this because it is better then what I have now.

 

Alright. That is what fantasy means for you. Why are you presuming that it means the same thing for other people? Personally, I don't see fantasy that way at all. For me, fantasy is just a way for my imagination to explore things. Sometimes some rather weird things. It doesn't mean I want to trade up.

 

If you only fantasize when you're unhappy with your current situation, that's fine. But it's wrong to judge other people and put accusations upon them, based solely on what something typically means in your life.

 

It is selfish for my man to expect me to accept that I will never be enough for him and that he is free to think about screwing abyone he sees or meets.

 

Again you're taking your perceptions of what fantasizing implies, and placing them onto someone else. For god's sake, you're calling your man selfish because of what something means in your head. Has he ever said that you're not enough for him and that you should just accept that? If he has, say so, and I'll stand corrected.

 

But otherwise, you're just jumping to a wild conclusion because you feel hurt. That's pretty illogical. I mean, damn, you're basically insulting yourself and then acting like he did it.

[Guest]

Most aren't defending porn so much as defending a right to get themselves off if they so choose. Permission to bust a nut, maam?

 

 

 

Actually, it doesn't have anything to do with you. I know that most women think that it does...but it doesn't. Now, when several men tell you this, and also explain that occasional masturbation is in no way some "red flag" as to their feelings for their SOs, or their level of happiness in the relationship...and you choose to ignore all of that... what more can anyone do?

 

 

 

Alright. That is what fantasy means for you. Why are you presuming that it means the same thing for other people? Personally, I don't see fantasy that way at all. For me, fantasy is just a way for my imagination to explore things. Sometimes some rather weird things. It doesn't mean I want to trade up.

 

If you only fantasize when you're unhappy with your current situation, that's fine. But it's wrong to judge other people and put accusations upon them, based solely on what something typically means in your life.

 

 

 

Again you're taking your perceptions of what fantasizing implies, and placing them onto someone else. For god's sake, you're calling your man selfish because of what something means in your head. Has he ever said that you're not enough for him and that you should just accept that? If he has, say so, and I'll stand corrected.

 

But otherwise, you're just jumping to a wild conclusion because you feel hurt. That's pretty illogical. I mean, damn, you're basically insulting yourself and then acting like he did it.

 

I'VE DONE ALOT OF THINKING AND RESEARCH ABOUT THIS AND it does matter to the person you are with - i think one of the problems is simply lack of communication about these things. i found out many things about this subject and my gf and i can tell you this - YOU BETTER BELIEVE IT EFFECTS YOUR PARTNER MEN. i for one understand EXACTLY what this is all about and anne and i are on the same page. we rawk man. and if you were not sure about the IMPORTANCE OF THIS TO WOMEN just look at the total 375 hits on this topic - THAT SAYS it all. frankly, i just want the same things we told each other because the winter madness setin in - i don't need or want anything but you - YOU ARE PLENTY of woman enuff. i am completely and fully satisfied. always have been - wink. hey, babe, thanks for being able to open up and tell me all this stuff, point me in the right direction and for hanging in there all this time. this has been an amazing journey with you. kisses

[Grinning Maniac]

Did someone force their SO to read all 24 pages of this before letting them have sex again? When I saw someone quote my post, I had an expectation of what would come next...and that expectation was not "You're schmoopy!" "No, you'rreee schmoopyyy!!"

 

I mean...I don't even get the connection with half of what this guy is talking about, or what grand revelation he and his gf (whoever that may be) came to. Was anyone unaware that girls really care about this issue? I thought it was already pretty obvious.

 

That wasn't the point though.

[amerikajin]

My thoughts exactly!!

 

 

I've been avoiding this thread like the plague for the last few weeks following my traumatic split with my bf. (For those of you who aren't in the loop, his decision was largely due to my severe jealousy and insecurities - not just with porn but in general). I've decided to rejoin this thread because I'm feeling a bit more stable than in previous weeks.

 

Basically, my attitude towards the whole porn thing got me nowhere in the end, and for a few weeks he wanted nothing more to do with me. Its only recently that he's softened up a little, and has led me to think that there may be a chance for us in the future (IF I change my attitudes, IF I stop being such an insecure b**** etc etc). It would be unfair of me to imply that he chose porn over me, and I don't think he even considered his decision in the sense of chosing his freedom. I think he just simply believes that porn fulfills a 'need' for him and men in general, and for me to deny him that need would be like asking him to stop breathing or eating.

 

So, in a nutshell, he's won. It's a win-win situation for him, because if we don't get back together, he's free to have his porn, and free to find a girlfriend who's happy for him to look at it. And if we do get back together, he knows that I'm so determined not to lose him again that I'd do anything to keep us together - i.e. put up with his porn. It's a lose-lose situation for me, because I can't bear to be without him, and that this is as bad, if not worse than the pain his porn puts me through. And if we get back together, I'm going to have to bow my head and allow my self-esteem to keep being eroded because I'll have to accept that I'm never going to be beautiful enough for him.

 

My feelings towards porn haven't changed a bit. And f**ked if i'm going to pretend to myself or anyone else that in time I can learn to enjoy it. If my bf and I do get back together, I will grit my teeth, put on a fake plastic smile, and lie point-blank to him that I don't give a s*** if he looks at porn or not. But deep down part of me will always resent, hate and despise him for putting me through this.

 

Anyway, I'll continue to post in this thread, if and when I feel I have a valid point to make. But in terms of my personal situation and this issue, I guess things have been resolved (bad choice of words - maybe 'come to a standstill' is more like it). I wish things had turned out differently, but they haven't, so what more can I do? I lose - plain and simple.

 

 

And so down into the history books goes yet another story entitled 'How Porn Destroyed my Relationship'.

 

Your experiences made me think of relationships in general in our society. I don't pretend to know everything about humanity as a whole, but having lived outside the North American/Western sphere for more than 4 years, it changed the way I view things. I think we tend to lack pragmatism when it comes to our relationships. We tend to stress the importance of romance a bit too much. Romance can be a beautiful thing, and for those who are able to keep those flames aburning, I salute them. But over the course of my life and my experiences, I've come to the conclusion that the great majority of people just can't remain fulfilled forever in that way by one person. That's why Arabs have harems, it's why most Asian societies look the other way when men cheat (and why most Western societies, including American, did the exact same thing until only recently). The 19th Century (ca. Victorian Age), for example, is mythically romanticized by moralists as a Golden Age of European and American virtue when in fact most cities had booming red light districts and men frequently had sex and even children out of wedlock - it was only immoral and scandalous if women strayed from the marriage. However, if you read Kate Chopin, you'll know full well that while women didn't cheat, that didn't mean the thought didn't cross their minds from time to time. The reason they didn't cheat is because the economic and social consequences were enormous if she were to be exposed. But up until recently men wandered from marriage, and did so with impunity. The main difference now is, two can play that game.

 

Where am I going with all of this? I think the ideal that we try to attain in a romantic relationship is often a bit unrealistic, and while I understand things like porn are destructive to a woman's self-image and confidence, I think that a woman has to understand that men (whether it's conditioned or innate) develop into visually-oriented sexual creatures and require a certain amount of stimulation. I'm not really advocating that a woman should just shut up and accept a man's porn habit, but I am definitely saying that rather than attack and humiliate him for it, try to understand what it means and where to place it in context of the relationship. Don't be a wallflower, but be flexible.