What is she thinking, I wish I could read her mind

[SickAndTiredOfIt]

I dont want her to go, but maybe I should.

 

This is our 3rd seperation and I am scared its our last, but hoping we get back together.

 

Its been 4 weeks since she moved out.

 

I am 30 born in America, she is 33 and born in the Philippines and a US Citezen. She has been in the US for 10 years. We have a 4 year old son. I met her in the US. We are not married.

 

1st two times we seperated was because of my drinking and smoking weed. That has stopped and now a 13 months clean and sober. This time she has moved out and says she is just not happy. She said in anger one night that I am too controlling. Last time we went to counselling. It did a lot of good. After the 1st of the year she didnt want to go back. I always wanted to go, but she got mad when I pushed.

 

I see that I am only controlling on 2 points, not wanting her to go out dancing with girlfriends until 2AM and spending every penny we have. Within the last 1.5 years she met friends who like to go dancing, she loves dancing. I dont like her going out, because guys are always hitting on her. I trust her, but get very jealous. She says I am to insercure. She cheated on her last 2 husbands, I think I have a reason to worry a little.

 

Anyways, she has moved out and for the benifit of our son we are trying to be nice to each other. She said we will see what happens with us, who knows this might make us more in love and get back together in time. So I have been real nice to her. We have had no bad words. We talk almost everyday, sometimes real short and only about our son. 2 Sundays ago we went to the California State fair and spent 10 hours together. She held my arm 4-5 times and still always calls me hun. Last Sunday all 3 of us went to see Superman Returns at the theater. Yesterday before soccer practice she came by 1.5 hours early and hung out, then after soccer we went clothes shopping for me. She is nice, but still distant. She gets mad if I try asking her too much about her personal life.

 

I have read that usually the person who leaves is usually 4-6 months farther along in the emotional state and is has an easier time with this.

 

Is it possible she just wants to be friends. She seems so happy. Could she possible be thinking of coming home or am I just desperately hoping. I dont know if I should just stop seeing her and move on or keep trying to fix this. I really want to have our family together. I can see if I was mean, drunk or imature but I am not. If we didnt have a son, ya leave. But we have a son and I though a happy family.

 

Also I was pretty caught off gaurd about this. I thought we were pretty happy. O ya. When we are going out and doing stuff we get along great. We went to Disneyland, Yosemite, camping and had the best time together. It seems she really gets bored and depressed when we dont go go go and spend spend spend. She doesnt understand how hard I work to make the money stretch. Now she will on her own.

 

I am also playing it cool, because we are in the middle of child custody stuff and she has agreed to 50/50 custody. I dont want her to freak and demand more. I can not live without my son. Also after child custody I am going to try and buy her off the house. She is going to be shocked at how little I am going to offer her. She has some fantasy that our house is worth a lot more. She has mentioned she wants $50k, I told her before probably around $10-$15k. If we sell now I am thinking we might get $2-$5k each.

Sorry for such a long story.

Thanks for any advice.

[Ladyjane14]

I'm not sure how your objections to your wife staying out partying until 2am and spending all the family money qualifies as "controlling".... but maybe I'm just SANE.

 

She has a history of cheating on not just one... but TWO husbands, and she thinks you shouldn't be anxious about her fidelity? Also... she's bailed on you THREE TIMES over the course of the marriage. No wonder you're insecure in the relationship.

 

Just curious.... but why is it that you want this woman back anyway?

She doesn't sound like someone who is capable of a committed, loving, monogamous relationship.

 

My advice to you would be to consider IC (Individual Counseling) as opposed to MC (Marriage Counseling) and spend a little time trying to figure out what's best for you and for your son.

 

You might also read a copy of Love Must Be Tough by Dobson or DivorceBusting by Weiner-Davis. I think it'll help you build some confidence in setting your boundaries because it'll require you to 'open up the cage door' for you wife.

 

Bear in mind... that I don't perceive what you've written here as "controlling"... but I think maybe YOU bought into the idea that it is. These resources will help you straighten all that out in your mind.

[SickAndTiredOfIt]

"Just curious.... but why is it that you want this woman back anyway?"

 

I have thought about this alot too. I love a lot of who she is and we have a son. I am willing to take her back, but I have told her she needs to change this time.

 

She has told me her 2 of her friends said if you are not happy then leave. You cant live life unhappy. If we didnt have a son, ya take off. But this is bigger then just us. If it is fixable, I think we should try. I am willing to fight for our family. Life is hard and there is going to be a lot of times we are not happy. I was willing and still am, for a little longer, to make it work.

 

I am seeing individual counselling now. Tomorrow is my 3rd appointment. She is the same couunseler we saw last year together. It does help a lot.

 

I will look into the book, thanks for the recommendation.

 

Just want to add this, since she is from the Philippines we spend lots of money supporting her family. We spent $300 a month, plus holidays and birthdays and we sent packages back. She has gone back twice since we have been together, costing about $6k plus each time. Last year she got 2 bridges replaced. The Dentist said next time she will need dentours or implants. Costing up to $20k to fix her teeth. I do feel this is in my best financial interest to let her go. I can see spending $150k over the next 20+ years on her and her family. $15k house buy out and $250 a month for the next 14 years for child support is taking the easy way out.

[Roo]

sounds like she is very immature I don't know why you'd want to continue to do so muchfor someone who just wants to take take take and spend spend spend?

[CryingCanuck]

$150k over the next 20+ years on her and her family. $15k house buy out and $250 a month for the next 14 years for child support is taking the easy way out.

Are you kidding? You're going to be spending a heck of a lot more than that my friend.......... Not sure where you came up with the $250.00 a month, more like $500.00 -$800.00 depending on your income to start with and they don't care if YOU starve...

 

It's the money the kid would need via the MOM, (guess who decides where it's spent) AND it goes up as your income rises............

 

Good luck, sounds like you have your hands full.

 

See a lawyer, record EVERYTHING you can remember, where she goes, what she does and those TWO PREVIOUS HUSBANDS she cheated on,,, you have proof.. USE IT ! ! !

 

And Go for full custody...................

 

Again good luck

[dgiirl]

How did she act when she was cheating on her previous husbands? Did she want to remain "friends" with them too?

 

First thing you need to do is protect yourself. See a lawyer and close any joint bank accounts/credit cards. You definitely do not want to be held responsible for any debt she accures after she leaves.

 

I think you have every reason to expect your partner to be home and not out partying with friends. Yes, she should be allowed to go out periodically, but why to a club and why so frequently? And if that's what she really wants, then it should be something you both share together. Based on her past history, she's probably doing the same thing now. I would have given her the benefit of the doubt after cheating once, but twice? It's a pattern she's not interested in fixing. She doesnt sound too stable.

 

I understand you want to save things for the sake of the child, but she's not a healthy role model, and what would you be teaching your child if you stayed? Let her go and deal with the situation if she comes back. You deserve a lot better than her treatment. You even know that! So start standing up for yourself

[Gunny376]

If you're so much into pain, suffering, misery, and humilation ~ wouldn't it just be easier and cheaper to dump the wife and hire a dominatrix? At least you'd still have your self-respect!

[Guest]

CryingCanuck --> Just had it verified that I will be paying less than previous calculations --> At the most - $203 a month with 50/50 custody. This is if I keep the house and claim him on taxes. If not about $60 less.

 

dgiirl --> She did not want to be friends with others. 1st treated her as a slave, I can believe this, because she was basically a mail order bride. A lot of times these guys have issues. 2nd was rough with her, I saw bruises before she cheated.

 

Gunny376 --> I dont think I said all of that, but I get your point.

 

Just saw the counseller last night, she sure helps. I have used 3/5 appointments, after that its $90 for 50 minutes -- ouch.

 

I am going to finalize child custody this weekend -- using a paralegal. Went to 2 lawyers and they are tooo much. We are agreeing so far -- after that I am giving her a month with no contact, only high/bye when dropping off son. This is my goal atleast. I am afraid I will give in if she wants to hang out. I am so week. If all goes well in a month I will talk to her about buying her off of the house. After that, goodbye baby. I am so sad.

[Gunny376]

My point is and was ~ move on! You can do better, and you can trade up. Life's to freaking short!

 

And, you know what? You can do better!

 

I know about the Fillpino Bride business! You marry one and you marry the entire damn clan! I've been to the Phillippinnes. I've done Manila, and Subic Bay. I've done the "I love you NO ****, take me to the land of the Big PX! Buy me Mercedes Benz, and Air Conditioning, and washing machine" Well, not me actually, but a lot of Bro's in the Corps!

 

And, I've done the "Girls Night Out" bizz! A year from now, let alone three years from now her so called best friends that she's partying with won't even remember her name! They wouldn't spit on her if she cuaght on fire, let alone pee on her!

 

I'm telling you! Forget this broad!

[Ladyjane14]

She did not want to be friends with others. 1st treated her as a slave, I can believe this, because she was basically a mail order bride. A lot of times these guys have issues. 2nd was rough with her, I saw bruises before she cheated.

 

What knight in shining armor can EVER resist the 'damsel in distress' routine?

 

I'm kidding... at least I'm half-kidding. While it's certainly possible that your wife was abused in her previous two relationships, do take some time for yourself to ponder it over. I'm not talking so much about the truthfulness of her story, but rather what (if any) effect it had on you.

 

Unfortunately, alot of guys respond to troubled women because it feeds their own self-esteem. Afterall it makes us feel pretty good about ourselves when we can 'fix' something for someone else.

 

Whether you eventually reconcile your marriage or move on, take an earnest look at everything that's happened up 'til now. Make sure you're not responding to "damsels". It leaves you wide open for future manipulation.

[SickAndTiredOfIt]

Thanks for everyones advice.

 

I am still stuck. I still have hope for us.

 

About 3 weeks ago I asked her to go to dinner with my son and I. She did, and we talked and laughed for 2 hours. We talked not about are seperation, but just stuff. She then went out with 2 girlfriends that night and one spent the night. Next day she didnt want to talk at all. Monday samething. We met up Monday at paralegals office to discuss Child Support cost. (This still hasnt been resolved.) On the way out of office I asked to talk to her. What she said really hurt me. She didnt say anything mean about me, just to never talk to her again unless about our son. Dont write cards, do ask her out for dinner, dont ask about her life, nothing. I need to move on. I am assuming she had a good time at dinner and friends told her to push me away, because she maybe missed me.

 

So I told my self to let her go. She went camping with a family that weekend. Lady in family always said bad things about me. So I figured she was going to come back even colder after trip. So I had 8 days of thinking she hated me. The days she picked up son, she was cold.

 

Last Tuesday, day after camping, we talked for 15 minutes about trip, if she like the trailer (we were going to buy a trailer) how fun it was, the campsite. I was amazed. Then that evening she called me about 5 times asking about buying a digital camera. She said she wished she had one on the trip. She asked me to meet her at Bestbuy to look at some. Of course I did. We looked and talked for 2 hours. She never asked me to buy it for her. Never talking about us. I made her laugh a lot. Everyday since she called me. 2 nights we talked for about 10 minutes each.

So this Sunday she came by to pick up son and wanted to know if I wanted to wash our cars, go shopping and go to dinner. Of course I said yes. We had a very good time. We laughed a lot. All 3 of us were together for about 8 hours. When we were driving, out of no where she said, "I was talking to Dusty the other night, and said If I cant go clubbing once a week, I am miserable." I was like ok.

 

Sorry for long story.

 

I never ask about getting back, I am just trying to see. We always got along good, only really argued about clubbing. She seems to love that life. Why is she now being so nice, and still making so obvious she wants to not be with me, but hang out some times. Can she really only want to be friends.

 

I have to think that she will realize that the clubbing will have to stop someday. She is 34 and has a 4 year old son.

[Lor]

You need to read UKSurfer's threads posted on here....

 

A common thing that keeps popping up in your posts is how, everytime she's away from you and around family and friends, she comes back cold. That is an eye-opener. She's getting a lot of advice and it doesn't sound like all of its sound. While you've been hearing some "dump the broad" comments, she's hearing "dump the jerk".

 

Financially, tie up all loose threads. Of course you'll help her out for the sake of your son but don't let anything else be within easy reach.

 

sounds to me like she's confused; she loves/likes you, wants to spend time with you...and not just for your son...but yet she doesn't want to give up her independence. sure, its scary to trust someone knowing that she's cheated in the past, but are you gonna keep hanging that over her head? People can change--I don't believe in once a cheater, always a cheater.

 

How about some good ol' fashion communication and compromise? She gets one night a week clubbing? And you take one night a week to golf, go clubbing yourself, whatever. Seriously read UK's threads--I think they would help you a lot....